Profiles On Personal Sites

Edited and updated from a post from my former short topics blog. For some that are already in a relationship this post is useless but the things written in here make up some of the very most frequent questions and rants on any personal power exchange site I have ever been on. If one is looking or gave up looking and had frustrations I think in all hubris there is some great advice here. I also think there is a lot of advice in here that can get taken out of cyber and be put to use if one is looking in their local community as well.

Will get back to a totally original post next time, the topic of which will be watersports so those not into that or care to try to understand people who are might not want to check in for several days. I have started it but not finished and I am worn out this morning by what my Master put me through this weekend in the most pleasant way.

Finding your other online is possible. More often then not people have already shot themselves in the foot with how they go about writing their profiles. Here are some tips that are not only from my personal experience but from reading more posts then I can begin to count of people complaining about not finding a good person and the almost unanimous replies to those posts in what people are looking for when searching for one on an online personal site.

These tips are good for all roles and genders

1) Positive is attractive and negative repels. Avoid rants, bitches and bad attitude.

2) Write specifically to who you want to attract. Way too many just go on and on writing about all the people they do not want. Do you not want to find the person that is compatible? Why write about all the ones who are not?

3) Effort translates into sincerity. If you are looking for your long term other do you think that particular cause deserves more then a few minutes? Before you even go on to a site to set up a profile sit down and type out your essay section. Write who you are and what you are looking for both for the regular life and the power exchange life. Take several or many days to add and edit your profile. Reading something a day later you often see it in a different light. People who have profiles that basically look like they took a couple of minutes to write just makes it look like they are on the site on a lark.

4) Write the profile based on the person is a stranger. Do not assume you are going to get the benefit of the doubt. Way too many people write profiles subconsciously that come off like you should know them on some level already.

5) Do not waste space or time giving yourself qualities that everyone thinks they have. It is unoriginal and horrendously boring! You may think writing you are real, sincere, honest, safe and experienced makes you special or attractive. Think again and browse profiles of people like you. You will find everyone else has those same qualities and not one person has written they are fake, insincere, liar and dangerous. These are qualities you earn with the person and not something that puts you at the top of the list or separates you by just writing those words.

6) Do not get carried away. Women, a man is a man and not going to be perfect specimen from your fantasies. Just because they might be your Master does not mean they will be perfect. Too much listing of qualities in away that makes you look like you will never meet anyone who is not truly a perfect human being will convey to the more real and sincere man not to bother with you. This is just some time killing fantasy fun for you.


Men, online is not some order form to pick out a woman from an online catalog. Write for a woman you are compatible with and not just your perfect vision. If you go trolling for young women in their twenties by stating you prefer 20-25 then do not be surprised when you write women older they will not touch you. It is far easier to read a message from a woman who you are not attracted to because of age or physical appearance and a quick reply of thanks but no thanks then eliminate someone because you listed your IDEAL woman. A woman even in your age limit and height/weight preference can still be turned off by the mere fact you list something like that. Us woman do think about when we age or gain a few pounds if we will still be attractive. Listing a narrow and utopian preference will make most women wonder even if they fit that when they get past your age preference or gain a few pounds will they get kicked to the curb.

7) At the same time do not be too vague. Too many males write not to eliminate anyone. All this does is eliminate everyone. Write to your target. Dominants: submissive people want a decisive take charge person who inspires and has a strong vision. We want to imagine what life will be like with you. Submissives: dominants want to know in fairly direct ways if you are going to be a fit in the power exchange areas or not. Flowery prose and information on your regular self is fine but do not go looking for your other on a power exchange site and then play that aspect of compatibility down by dismissing it for a later time.

8) Get over yourself! I repeat, GET OVER YOURSELF! No stranger cares about your baggage, issues and bad experiences. This is exponentially true about your attempts to find your other online or even in your local community.

Women, just because you get a ton of messages when you create a profile does not make you special. You will get a ton of losers. Deal with it by deleting them and move on. Complaining about them in your profile just makes you look like a negative person.

Men, you create a profile you have agreed to being a normal person and you should not expect special treatment. Complaining about fakes, women who disappear and ones who never reply back only causes you harm. No women will ever be attracted to a man who whether directly or indirectly assumes she is guilty of being insincere before she is innocent.

FOR BOTH GENDERS IF ALL YOU HAVE DEALT WITH IS “LOSERS” OF VARIOUS NATURES IT IS OFTEN BECAUSE YOU HAVE MADE YOUR PROFILE INTO A SELF FULFILLING PROPHECY BECAUSE ONLY LOSERS WILL HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU!

IF YOU ARE NOT GETTING THE PEOPLE YOU ARE AFTER, LOOK IN THE MIRROR, WHO YOU SEE IN THE MIRROR IS THE MAIN REASON. TRY A DIFFERENT APPROACH.

In addition to watching your attitude, get over your self importance. Manifestos on how a dominant, slave and a power exchange relationship should be like this is absolute fact are a big negative. The life is a big tent and failure to understand with that there are no such things as one true ways will put you in a poor light even if the other likes your way.

9) Do not have your profile be dominated by what you think the other dominant/submissive should be like you are teaching a class in power exchange relationships. For the most part they know who they are and will be a fit or not a fit. They want to know about you not about a theorized utopian version of them. Write how you would want to read if you were the other role. Do you really think it is really a good idea to have a profile made up entirely of a theoretical slave should be? Do you really think a potential slave just wants to know that?

10) Do not write your fantasy image of yourself let alone lie about anything. Remember you goal is to find just one person not to impress cyber strangers. Do not risk destroying trust if you find someone and they catch you in a lie. They will find out your ex did not leave because of some great career opportunity you guided them to or that your former slave who you had for years left to take care of a sick family member eventually. Do not post pictures that were you ten years and thirty less pounds ago. Do not claim you are a business owner because you get some extra cash by cleaning gutters beside your main job.

11) If you post pictures most people prefer normal ones in normal settings. Women, those who post nude and provocative pictures I doubt the men mind but also understand it will be even more vital to have a good profile. You will get attention but many of the more sincere will also be skeptical of your sincerity for a real time thing. Men, will avoid the cock shot cliché gripe, but understand not any picture will do. You drunk, unkempt or acting like a child in the picture you might think twice about posting it.

Remember women are not as visually stimulated as you men. A picture for us can often be way more important with the clues it gives. For example, a picture of a guy who is physically top notch but looks drunk, horribly dressed and clutter and filth all around him is far less appealing to most women then a man who is not the classic stud physically but is nicely groomed and dressed and the background is clean and/or thought to where the picture was taken. Also a man all decked out in dominant gear with a sneer on your face comes off more funny then attractive.


12) Do not make gross generalizations about others who are online. Even if you think an abnormal amount on a personal site are “losers” of some nature the fact is it comes off as negative, obnoxiously self-serving and incorrect. No matter how high the percentage there are still a lot of honest and sincere people. A person who can make a strong case for themselves without needing to tear down others to build themselves up is attractive. Basically ripping on others to make a case for yourself is going “please pick me as I am the only thing left over”, just not attractive let alone inspiring at all.

13) Spelling and grammar do count. Even the ones who proclaim it does not for them are lying. At the minimum a profile with misspelled words and bad grammar will have a negative effect on a person’s mind subconsciously. If you have competition in getting a person’s attention then why would you immediately start off with a disadvantage? Poor grammar and spelling also shows lack of effort, sincerity or too much self involvement. It is the equivalent of showing up at a bar smelly and dirty.

14) You are not more important then anyone else. Nobody from any gender or role wants anything to do with a person who thinks they are above other people let alone them. Avoid idiotic phrases like “my time is valuable” it makes you look stupid and is unattractive. Everyone at the minimum thinks their time is valuable why is yours more? In fact it could be said if you are so busy or have such trouble with judgment on who to take time for, that one can easily infer you might not have anytime for a real relationship or are a very poor judger of people for us to trust your own opinion and how it actually relates to you.

15) Admit and deal with the facts. Most men know women are not at a loss for men contacting them on a personal site. At the same time though most men seem to not put two and two together and understand your profile and message will not get the benefit of the doubt or automatically get intense consideration just because. You are competing with every other man who has written that woman, understand, accept and deal with it. Only dismissing others you have never met as losers only makes yourself look like a loser when trying to get a woman to notice you.

16) No shortcuts! Online is not a bar and all you need is a good opening line. The sincere other who is sincerely looking is wanting to find another who is sincere and sincerely looking. They do not want to have to strike up conversation with everyone to see how sincere they are. It is literally not possible for a woman inundated with messages to do so.

Avoid self serving justifications because strangers do not give a damn. A stranger does not care if you are better in person then writing. A stranger does not care that you think a written profile is useless. Only a fool comes to play golf dressed in a baseball uniform and wearing a mitt. You are online for a reason and you have to deal with it or do not bother to begin with.

17) Before anything else get to know yourself.

It is all good to want to think you want or be in a power exchange relationship. It is another to not make a serious effort to look at yourself and try to honestly figure out what you need or would be compatible with. You owe it to everyone who you will be in contact with regardless of role or gender not to mislead them even if it is subconsciously. You also need to respect what others are about and just expect another to sacrifice to your desired levels in the power exchange areas.

Dominants there is nothing wrong with wanting a normal relationship with a submissive kinky porn star when in bed. There is nothing wrong with wanting a traditional role relationship. There is something wrong though if you go looking for a person who wants 24/7 type power exchange relationship when not wanting or able to provide that and expect them to fit your limitations and desires.

Submissives there is nothing wrong with just wanting bottom things done. There is nothing wrong with not wanting 24/7 in any of this. There is something wrong though when you lead a dominant on that you might want this or think another can change you into wanting this but still expect a dominant who expresses to want this to change their desires when you figure out just what they are.

Your profile is the first impression you are giving someone. Now if finding your other is important is it not? For something this important being negative in general, accusatory, condescending and showing up in dirty jeans and a T-shirt while on a first date is not consider a good strategy. Why do that version with your online profile?

Stay positive, be patient and never forget you are writing for one person who fits you and not running for some popularity contest or some law person who can change the Internet by calling out all the people who have done you wrong.

Faking Who We Are

Small part of this post lifted from a post in my former Short Topic Blog.

I use the “Role Play” a lot in my postings so I thought I would expand on what I mean and the dangers this type of action can cause. First and foremost I have zero problems and in fact embrace people who are into role play or seek out power exchange aspects and/or BDSM type activities through role playing. I am all for a fun time for all.

When I mention more often then not the phrase “just role playing” when writing in context is that I am stating one or both people in the relationship are donning masks and creating false characters. That the person(s) are not being themselves but some theorized version they have fantasized about being or think the other is expecting.

For example that new submissive you have started to see bounces all giddy like whenever you order her to do anything and just seems that all she wants to do is wait on you and your orders when you are together and you never see her dragging or going through the motions. Or that potential owner who always has decisions already done about the things you will be doing and has something extra in him whenever he does something that is dominant centric.

These people are role playing. This in fact does not mean they are not or will never be spectacular owners or slaves because they certainly can be. But there is also a chance the act is all they have and it will wear off and bye bye the power exchange dynamic.

Often in real life people try to become their fantasy image instead of be who they really are and see where that leads them. Dominant or submissive it does not matter when entering into a power exchange relationship you have to be you if the relationship is going to work.

What is so wrong with this as long as they are/can be good in a power exchange relationship?

I will be the first to say in every relationship ever on earth people have donned a mask or two to project them in the brightest light possible based on expectations and hopes. There is something to be real about that in almost every relationship there is an aspect of faking it until you make it. But for healthy people we lose these masks very quickly and when these masks are used to explore a power exchange relationship between two people the dynamic is so different with so many natural obstacles wearing of a false mask can be also just devastating/aggravating to the person who the performance was meant for.

Acting out a role is extremely tiring

The key to anything that brings a benefit to us is that it will bring along energy. Laughter makes us happy or a great vacation that was exhausting physically will still leave us feeling refreshed for example. But when we wear a mask and role play we drain ourselves of energy and no matter what enjoyment was gotten out of the event this energy gets used up at a far faster pace then any of the pleasure refueled us.

Most of us have probably dated a slob or are slobs. We all have probably at one time experienced going over to their house the first few times and seen a relatively clean house but over time we come over to see a pig sty. This is a classic role play situation. The person wants to impress the other and put their best foot forward. But it is not them and eventually they fall back to who they truly are.

This is the same way with power exchange. Many of course wait until strong feelings have begun for each other before power exchange elements are brought into the relationship. At this moment might be the most tempting time to try to please the other person and without any active thought we can slip on a mask and play a character to please the other.

There are plenty of people who have plenty of experience that are both victims and perpetuators of role playing. It is a bottom who only enjoys the kinky acts for their direct pleasure who keeps on trying to be in a power exchange relationship because the people who will do kinky things to them want this. They cannot or will not put two and two together and realize they can be two separate things. It can be a person wanting a traditional role woman who claims being dominant and willing to do active domination things hoping there is some sort of final destination.

Often when I hear about submissives who met a wonderful dominant but what appears to be no reason they stop being all dominant like/play with them but other aspects of the relationship are fine that my thoughts simply go toward they were just role playing and ran out of gas.

Role Playing takes away from reality of the life

One of my biggest pet peeves in how many people discuss this life is how the penchant to indulge in the cool factor and promote their relationships as utopian at all times. Well they simply are not and what is so awful by this false presentation is it gives off such the wrong impression. One of the biggest obstacles to a healthy and happy long term 24/7 TPE relationships is for a dominant to stop worrying so much about doing things to their slave when the slave will not like it or is not in the right “mood”. Or a submissive expecting their owner to be perfect in the power exchange part of the dynamic or reading them so they are always magically in the right mood when orders or other active domination happens. These are simply not realities when the days start becoming months let alone years when in a 24/7 TPE relationship.

But life and the human brain are not that simple are they? A slave cannot always be giddy with happiness obeying every order, rule and ritual. There is achieving an overall love of one’s life and satisfaction when doing things such as keeping the house spotless, proud in how well you obey, being there for our beloved owners and things in that general. But that is a far cry from specific happiness when from doing anything in service to one’s owner. We are going to be tired, have not the best moods and other issues that obeying is not difficult to do but not described as always some wonderful pleasure. Cooking meals, cleaning and doing laundry into the thousands of times will just not get us all worked up every single time.

A dominant cannot have every answer, always know what they want and have an interest in or the energy to “play” every time their slave has an itch needing to be scratched. They are on occasion wanting to turn their brain off and not lead and make decisions for both of you in moments. They are not going to thank you after you fulfill an order or give out love after every time their slave might do something that would be construed as suffering.

I will leave this section with an example that happen to me last Sunday. I was busy running around getting stuff done that needed to get done, I was tired and not in a great mood trying to recover from a bad shift at work. In a period of an hour my wonderful Master wanted something for dinner that we did not have so I had to drop everything and go to the store to pick up the necessary ingredients and then when I got back he ordered me in the tub to piss on me and something else on me. Sorry but in my state running to the store was not a thrill and I did not get all wet and orgasm when Master used me in something kinky.

Certainly not an ounce of me was upset or wishing my Master had not done these things. I certainly felt love toward him and how my life is by being able to serve him in these ways and feel the active domination of the events. But sorry if you had a window in our life last Sunday you would have seen a respectful slave serving but not some slave in orgasm bliss wanting to shout to the world that her Master is the most perfect human being on the planet ever.

That is a peek into moments of real life and serving as a slave. When done 24/7 in a long term relationship doing things that are required of us have the same range of emotions as things people can do in other relationships and not everything is naturally a great high. Does not make the others times bad times at all but just simply done as part of our life.

We must accept the dynamic for what it is not what we wish it will be like

When we role play the way we think or our other thinks we should be all we do is use up valuable energy, create false expectations and if it is done consciously it is a betrayal of trust to our other. We have to strive, and as soon as possible, to be ourselves in any relationship and certainly when our goal is a 24/7 power exchange one. It is only when two people being themselves when together can they find love. Role playing in hope it turns real or super duper feelings will last 24/7 forever can only spell trouble for any relationship let alone the power exchange dynamic.

TPE: What is it actually?

I am not going to get into an endless sub versus slave type debate that almost always has a subset debate of what is a total power exchange relationship. What I am going to do is obviously give my opinion and puncture holes in the cyber theorists and chest thumpers out there.

First let me start by giving what is to me the two big constraints when discussing pretty much anything but needs to be highlighted when these type of things come up. The following two things are needed to be there and presumed to be there in a total power exchange relationship (TPE):

1) BOTH people are fairly mentally healthy.
2) They live in a country that has solid human rights laws and enforces them.

Everything that follows is based on both of these things being present.

My view on what is TPE

To me you are talking about a severe control 24/7 relationship that boundaries and limits are clearly agreed upon but in general few in nature. The fact is most people can discuss and get close on the literal things. But to me it is once this has been established and mutually agreed to live like this is to me where you get at the heart of what the relationship is going to be.

For a slave: Being in a TPE relationship means being totally committed and dedicated to truly with one’s utmost intention and effort living it. This is accepting that many what, when, where and how’s are now not in one’s control. This is not just about accepting it and wanting it but truly in one’s heart being able to live like this. This is about living 24/7 and always giving your owner the chance it will work then having to believe it will work. You have to let go of judging individual actions and just concentrate on overall things.

For a dominant: I believe some ancient philosopher wrote “with great power comes great responsibility”. A slave has given to their owner their needs and desires to feel safe, cared for and to try to be overall happy in life to their owner. A slave is not a toy or some accessory to treat like a programmable robot. The slave wants you to be the kid in the candy store but the heart of the matter is this, owning a slave 24/7TPE is not just about you but accepting and wanting control of another and enjoying the work that comes with that.

A peek into my world

Here are my actual limits and boundaries that are in my life as an owned slave.

Limits and boundaries include breath play, no tattoo(s) until we have been together three years, poly relationships, allowed to work at the minimum to keep up my qualifications to work in my chosen area as an RN, nothing in public that disrespects my family, keep in contact with my family and close friends including visiting them, any intercourse between other people by each of us is done with condoms, and of course the usual ones that I find either amusing or disturbing people have to communicate like children, permanent damage and any illegal acts that they prosecute. I am sure I missed a few things as well.

So one might view this as not total power exchange at all since I have the nerve to list anything but it is not about how many limits or boundaries as long as they are within reason for an owner that to me defines TPE. What defines TPE is within these things I live my life in zealot obedience as best as I can for my Master. Anything less to us is for me to be disrespectful and show I do not care not only for our agreed upon dynamic but my Master personally. There are no negotiations or adding to things just because I find them unpleasant or think they have no reason.

One caveat!

I do have one thing that drives cyber theorists up a wall and the more mentally diseased to hate someone like me. It is simple; I have the right to try to be happy. Within the boundaries if things are happening, being done or one or both of us change in some way that leaves me miserable then there is a problem(s) that need to be addressed. My rights as a human being do take precedent over an agreed upon way to live with someone!

The trick though for a slave like me is not to abuse this concept as a way to, for example if my Master tonight orders me to shave my head I will do so with little hesitation. I know I will hate it in the short term and maybe even longer but also know it will have to take months of keeping it shaved to see how it really will impact me for the long term.

If on our upcoming honeymoon my Master decides not to have sex with me and orders me to stay in the room while he hooks up with another woman that will of course not be a thrill and totally suck but I also know long term for me it will just not be a big thing and proud I could handle it for him.

Here are the following things I see many dominants mention that as a slave raise a huge red flag with me in context with TPE relationships:

1) Pushing limits: First I am all for dominants to bring up agreed upon limits and seeing if their slave is willing to try to push them within reason. There is a ton of examples of slaves who have listed limits then you talk to them six months later and one of those limits is there favorite thing to do in the whole wide world (except for pleasing their Master of course).

But there is an honorable way to try things with a slave and a defective way. To me it just reeks of mental issues if a dominant needs to try to push limits when the main motivation is just to push limits and not because there is a limit they would really like to do or at least try. If a dominant is obsessed by the desire to believe in his head his slave is a no limit slave that is simply a big red flag. TPE is about a relationship between two people and not some mythical destination.

2) Slave has one right and that is to leave: This is a cyber theorists and chest thumpers ultimate delusion. Any dominant who truly feels this get some mental help and certainly to any slave out there who thinks they are seeing a dominant who truly believes this you have been warned.

This statement can only be taken in two ways literally. 1) The slave has only one right to leave as a last resort but the owner is going to respect and care about the slave right to try to be happy. Therefore the slave has more then that one right and the statement is more chest thump then honest. 2) The dominant actually believes this which therefore they might not give a damn about any issues that a slave might have and there only way out of not being able to be happy is to leave them. Now is that just a fucked up thought when you have been in a relationship measured in years! Wow, what devotion and loyalty an owner like that is going to show another person.

3) Absolute Submission: This is a term because people like me bash cyber theorist’s version of TPE and no limit slave so this term sprouted up. Again run away from any dominant or slave who actually thinks this is possible. Wishing it to be possible does not make human rights laws become void or another’s attempt to follow this to make it actually so. No matter what unless you get a mentally sick submissive all you dominants out there you cannot eliminate the chance they will just leave you! These types of thoughts are a sign of your own non mental health.

Disclaimer for those with issues aka think no limit is possible here is my view instead of rambling on.

TPE is a relationship dynamic not a destination or fool proof dominant does not get hurt situation.

People when discussing concepts like TPE and limits often get caught up in specific acts and ego stroking. What TPE is more about is the commitment the two people have to truly live within the boundaries of sanity and basic human rights, needs and strong desires. It is a slave accepting a roller coaster ride and things done that will not always be happy times in the moment but overall life is a good one. It is about a dominant embracing what they have and not obsessing over what they do not.

Random Musings 6/24

Perception of others

I was going to include this in my last post but what I thought was going to be a short and straightforward post became longwinded mess and not one of my better efforts.

Observing other people we are often quick to view them through our own values. The problem in this of course is that these values might not be theirs. Growing up in two different cultures I have seen how this can play out in some of the more extreme ways.

For example, my Mom often rushes home from work to cook dinner for my Dad and has done it the entire time they have been married. She also does all the laundry and use to all the cleaning. Often when I was growing up I would hear from Westerners and even still today she will tell me people still tell her just how oppressed she is by my Dad like he is a Master jerk. But if you looked inside our home and through my parent’s eyes you would see a husband that would love to take her out to dinner often but cannot out of respect of her beliefs that she insists on cooking dinner most of the time. You would see a husband who spent twenty plus years begging her to get a maid service and when she finally did it took her another two years not to clean the house just before they would come out and clean it.

So now who is exactly calling the shots in the relationship? But yet back in Taipei she is considered a radical because she chose to have a career of her choice and interest despite having zero need to contribute to the family economically.

Take me for another example; I get into disagreements with other women on an occasion by insisting if a woman loves a man, that it is important to consistently make a fuss (spoil) over them to show our love and how great they are and to always have a warm bed. Personally I do not think this directly translates at all to being submissive to them and therefore oppressed traditional roles but many times that is what I am accused of preaching.

But yet back in Taipei I am considered quite abnormal as I am thirty-three and not yet married or have a child despite no obvious defects. In fact a common phrase used to describe me with my father’s family basically translate to “my mother’s child”.

Perception and reality can be two such different things when it involves other people.

Reason #10,225 on why I love being owned

Sunday I was fretting over one of the dresses I was to wear at my wedding ceremony. Now Master, like most men wish, basically ordered he wanted nothing to do with these types of things but when he saw me going nuts from talking to my Mom he inquired and picked the dress in two seconds. Done!

My passive control issues

Like most people and probably especially us females we like variety in our life and this includes in our sex life. But I must write I just simply love having sex before sleep time. I just love going to sleep knowing I helped get my Master off and give him happy and loving feelings as he drifts off to sleep.

There is that passive control of wanting and enjoying doing something so I know the person (my Master) is hopefully happy and thinking nice thoughts about me. If I am truly a control freak by these types of thoughts and actions then I am guilty as charged!

An example of a quick ritual that brings active domination by physical manifestations

People often want specific examples on things people do in this life and often most of us do not really go into much detail for various reasons. But I thought I would share this one as it is a great example of active domination that takes little effort and time but works awesomely for us at least.

Before Master leaves for work/morning bedroom time is done if a weekend morning I am dressed how I will be for what is next for me that day. I am then without word or eye contact to go over to a chair and bare my ass where he then gives me five pretty hard slaps on my ass with his bare hand. Then sometimes he will order me to stand up where I then automatically put my hands behind my head and he might seek out my nipples and pinch them just for fun.

I remember when he first told me of this ritual he wanted before I was owned I thought it seemed a little cruel and time consuming. But it takes no time at all and I must say it has been a great pleasant surprise just how much I get out of it every day and can no longer imagine not having it in my life.

Traditional Roles Versus TPE

What we have here is a failure to communicate.

This is certainly a gross generalization but in my years in this life I strongly believe that at least 50% or more people drawn to the thought of Master/slave are not remotely interested in a significant power exchange relationship at all. What this group of people want is a traditional role relationship with good attitude and acceptance of the role by the other along with some or a lot of or give up of control and/or kink in the bedroom.

Now you might think I just bashed these types of people but that was not my intention at all. These people have every right to call whatever relationship works for them whatever name they want to call it. My problem is not the people or the dynamic they actually want but because I believe it is such a high percentage of people and they wander into the significant power exchange area to try to just get the desired perceived end product that it people often confuse “traditional roles” with power exchange relationships.

Traditional Role and the Myth for the Male Dominant sees for the submissive woman

The role is pretty straight forward whenever anyone talks about this. It is the woman doing most or all of the domestic work, primary caregiver to the children and supports her husband by often if not always deferring to him and consciously at times trying to make his life easier when he is home.


The myth of this life that power exchange people promote is that a woman like this obsesses over their male’s preferences and pleasures. That literally a traditional role wife was in fact a slave in terms of being controlled by their husband. This is of course a complete fantasy as a role is just duties that were done. That even being the “man of the house” did not ever mean doing what they wanted or ordering people to do things they did not want.

What many dominants go looking for in a slave is a woman who fully accepts the traditional role with a healthy attitude but also want the fantasy of traditional role woman. The one where the women is a cook in the kitchen only thinking about making something he would like, the maid who always keeps things clean and spotless, dressed to what pleased 100% of the time and his personal whore in the bedroom ready and willing to do anything he desires. But the fact is not anywhere close to being the norm in a historic traditional role relationship as women will not be cook to order gourmet cooks, dressed liked Victoria Secrets Models while serving dinner and they certainly were not all capable of making a porn star blush in the bedroom

Traditional Role and the Myth for the female submissive sees for the dominant male

The role of the male in a traditional relationship was one who was personally responsible and takes it very seriously for his family to have what they need, house, food and clothes and are happy. Even if the woman worked it was HIS responsibility to provide and this was first and before anything else in his life. This is not just about finances but about being responsible and carrying out all things that can cause worry or take away from their wife’s ability to do hers. Because of this heavy responsibility the male can have many final says in things not out of personal preference but out of factoring these important responsibilities for what is best for their family.

The myth of this that power exchange people promote is that the men like this are in fact super responsible and unselfish human beings. That they were and are in such tune with their other that their family’s health and happiness was always a thought on their brain and that their woman in fact did not worry about things ever because of loving and being totally confident in their man.

What many female submissives go looking for a male dominant they go looking for this super responsible I will worry about these things and darn well provide them for us. In addition they want a strong man capable of communicating what they want and be active in decision making that goes well beyond just the big picture stuff that few traditional males would even think of.

Traditional role relationship reality

I grew up in a strong Eastern culture home where traditional roles are taken very seriously. I was taught it is a woman’s duty to do the domestic work not an order. I learned to clean and cook from the time I could walk while my older brother never had to. My Dad it would be a huge insult to him if my Mom drove a car that was not good enough, her clothes were not nice enough and on and on based on not his opinion but their social status group’s opinion.

My Mom even now will rush home from work to fix dinner for her husband out of love and pride even though my Dad would probably prefer to eat out because she is going to make him eat healthier then he wants. He does not dominate his traditional wife with orders based on personal preference. My Dad will obsess anytime my Mom brings a problem up with her because for her to bring it up must mean it is important to her and love and responsibility make it important to him.

What is missing in what I described is what is missing when most talk about traditional roles and especially when power exchange people talk about them. What is missing is that traditional roles are almost always defined and monitored by one’s society and family/social group. That traditional roles do not equate to individual desires but common values, actions and responsibilities of a larger group.

Then is that not what the power exchange brings when one is looking for the traditional role but with personal preference?

Power exchange is a large part of one person wanting to control another person and the other person wanting to be controlled. Generally with control one will then assert their preferences. It is this element that makes a huge difference between traditional and power exchange. The control and making one’s preference on the other is the power exchange.

Why severe power exchange is so different then traditional role with power/kink in bedroom?

The reason why I see such a difference in people in the power exchange life primarily just looking for their mythical traditional role relationship and why it is quite different then something along the lines of total power exchange are as follows:

People just look at what they want the other to be like. Too many regardless of the role or gender when thinking about and especially when go looking for become tunneled vision on what they want not what they will need to provide. People just love to focus on what the other can provide them that they often fail to comprehend what the other is going to expect back in return.

People want additions to their life not change their life. Total power exchange relationships require changes, adjustments and effort from not only the slave but from the dominant as well. Most people who I see looking for primarily traditional role are not looking to change their ways but most are just looking for enhancements to their life by what the other is going to bring.

Too often you get a woman wanting a traditional husband but does not want to match up by being a traditional wife and vice versa. Roles have to fit each other (Yin/Yang). What you discover is a huge group that wants something but not willing to sacrifice for it. What you get are people who are obsessed on the term natural. The dominant wanting a 1950’s kink friendly wife that will turn on or off power based when the dominants needs to exercise it to get their way. The submissive wanting a super responsible man who will cherished them and take active responsibility in keeping them safe and happy. They shun things like punishments, rules and rituals and other things many TPE relationships have as being not natural or needed and that kinky things are for pleasure only.

Nothing wrong with this and certainly attainable as long as you accept the one limitation that power is essentially not remotely total but strictly based on two people agreeing to a strict assigning of duties and responsibilities in their life and not significant let alone strict obedience.

The difference in the end is the will of one becoming the will of the other and not just a mutual match up.

Total power exchange is the consensual forcing of obedience. It is not about what society’s expectations neither of how to live life nor about but what the two people agree on dividing up duties. It is not about the end product of the other person and what that provides but the day to day and minute by minute interaction between the two people. It is not about having one take care of all the domestic work and give you all the sex you want. It is not about a super responsible take charge person making you feel safe and cared for.

A traditional role woman throughout history just did not greet their husband at the door after spending an hour on her appearance and wearing nothing but high heels just because it was expected of her. A traditional woman did not cook every meal obsessing if their husband would like it let alone to his specific orders. A traditional woman did not put out anywhere, anyway and anytime their husband wanted.


A dominant man who wants control and things done his way does not want things done only when the woman cares to do them. He does not want to have sex only when the woman is also in the mood. The dominant male does not want something that was easy to make but does not care for because his woman was not in the mood to do anything that extravagant or wanted to go to the store to be able to make something he would like.

Nothing wrong with looking for a relationship that is basically a traditional role with maybe a few twists. But just understand the difference between that and total power exchange is different requiring much different things if you are actually wanting to control/power in the hands of one primarily in a relationship.

Needs Versus Being Too Needy

Occasionally when I post on a power exchange message board or get some private emails from the posts on this blog I get messages from dominants who will rip on me for being too needy. Now of course I expect this from the cyber theorists and dominants who cannot handle a submissive that can speak their mind with confidence and not bow down that dares to demand anything from a Master but his pleasure. But the truth is being too needy is in fact a curse slaves can in fact bring on their owner.

Before I go long winded and dive into the topic I want to answer this question for all the cyber theorist dominants and with low self esteem that cannot handle submissives communicating they have other needs besides serving their glorious Master. The difference is… MENTAL HEALTH and REALITY!

Ok since I have been bashing dominants lately time to level the playing field and bash slaves.

What’s the difference between a need and too needy?

I would define a need, without looking up the dictionary term, as something you require in your life that you just have to have or a strong desire that can be realistically and historically can be met by one’s circumstances, abilities and decent effort. For example we obviously need food, water and air. A strong desire might be something like have sex a certain amount of times a week, live a certain lifestyle like living in a house and having a car and many things like that. Technically we do not need sex, a car and can live in a tent but realistically if a person really wants those three things they can get them and a dominant just cannot blow off the needs and strong desires of their slave.

Too needy to me is when a slave burdens their Master by mentally drain energy and passion for the dynamic, brings unnecessary or unrealistic expectations and tries to transfer personal responsibilities that cannot be transferred to their owner let alone anyone else. Here are some examples of each:

Draining the owner of mental energy – An example I would use is if a slave does things like non stop asking what they can do, needs feedback after doing nearly everything and questioning to just asking for reasons to an order too much instead of just obeying.

Unnecessary or Unrealistic Expectations – As a slave suppose you have a strong desire to have sex a normal amount of times, say 2-3 times a day, just kidding… unfortunately. That is just not realistic and therefore too needy. As a slave think the life will be a 24/7 kink fest or how you feel in the infatuation stage of the relationship when after you have received a discipline session is how you want to feel 24/7 is an unrealistic expectation.

Personal Responsibility – Anything a normal person let alone a slave knows better specifically that goes into deeply personal things and situations and expect your owner to now have total burden of responsibility is too needy. To me this is something like a slave needing their owner to deal with life situations like work issues, family and friends.

Can “too needy” be tangible to point out?

The answer to that is a big no!

Too needy when between any two people and certainly between a Master and their slave is simply a huge compatibility issue based on the personalities of the people involved. Certainly if we all judged the same sample of people we would probably judge many the same if looking for too needy but the fact is outside of the blatantly obvious people it is a to each their own.

Another problem is what area is based so highly on compatibility. For example I have basically no need to hear the words “I love you” or “thank you” come out of my Master’s mouth for emotional lift and support. When he is traveling I am more concerned I am taking too much of his time when he calls me then bugging him to call me more. I also will almost never question orders or punishments put on me. I am pretty low maintenance in my needs for emotional support. At the same time though I have a strong sex drive and really need sex more then once or twice a week. Is that too needy, I do not think so. So a Master with little or no sex drive but gives off a ton of emotional support is just not compatible in this case but a Master with a high sex drive but offers little emotional support might be.

So a slave who needs the dominant to actively control most things in her daily life would be too needy for most dominants but for a control freak might be a perfect fit.

How can a slave within reason avoid being too needy?

1) Obey – For all that entered into your 24/7 total power exchange relationship except maybe the ones who rushed in and/or leaped before you looked you must of cared for and agreed to the relationship dynamic. Obey a four letter word that is quite simple in meaning. If you find yourself questioning orders or reading deeper meanings into things without any known facts these meanings are there is often how too needy takes root. Focus on the actual obeying and less of the things flying around in your head. Typically most dominants are driven crazy by having a slave who rarely just accepts and follows orders without making any drama out of it. Often we are going into the too needy for the other when we do not let go of things.

2) Listen – It is the owner’s responsibility to communicate to you about their issues and feelings. It is a slave’s fault and quite hubris to assume there is a problem when none was communicated or they wanted something but you are not sure but they never said anything. Often we are going into the too needy for the other when we too often make mountains out of molehills.

3) Communicate – Look an owner who relies on a slave to speak up for anything they need or want is lazy and going to fail. But as a slave we must be able to communicate issues and specific things that we are having trouble or need/need more of or less of in our lives. Often too needy comes out not by amount or the type of request but from the false emotional attachment we have worked ourselves up in a fervor because of failing to be direct about it and using our emotions and other tricks to try to get the need taken care of. It is this try anything but direct approach work ourselves up to an unfair emotional state that puts us in the too needy stage.

4) Think – Issues with needs one must actually think if it is in fact a need and strong desire or is it merely something less let alone a byproduct of needless social conditioning. This is again up to the individual but every thing whether in the moment or long term that we think is a need might not be a need at all.

In the end basic compatibility for basic needs and strong desires are just up to the two people and whether they are a good fit or not and there is simply no right or wrong. One’s too needy can be another’s dream. But we as slaves can minimalize many things that appear as our needs but in reality are not needs at all. Doing so will make a happier less stressful relationship and bring better focus and seriousness of more vital needs that we cannot fix internally.

Active Domination

What a Master/Mistress need to bring to the table in a total power exchange relationship

I have used the phrase “active domination” an awful lot in this blog and especially in bashing a specific group of dominants in my last few posts but outside of a quick explanation of it I have yet to really go into what I am writing about. I hope this is obvious for most and for some who are new or for some who have had trouble keeping a slave that this information is of some use. Active domination is specific actions within the power exchange relationship and not to be confused with qualities of someone. Basically one’s qualities will create actions.

So you have this hot woman into you greatly and both of you are want a Master/slave 24/7 total power exchange relationship. You cannot believe this woman is going to do domestic things with a smile on her face for you. You cannot believe this woman will blow you every day like it is your birthday and smile while taking that cum facial you might desire to give her even if some gets in an eye of hers. You cannot believe this woman would rather spend hours making something from scratch just because of a slight preference of yours from something store bought. You cannot believe that this woman will suffer the great pain you inflict on her just to show her love and devotion to you.

All this because she likes you and has a submissive personality! Oops do not blow it by thinking merely your presence and natural personality is all it takes for your needs and any desire to be her number one desire. She wants a lot of things in return for her to want/need this way 24/7 and not just when the mood strikes or right after some play. What she now wants from you is to dominate her in a 24/7 way.

This is what I call active domination. These are the things that a dominant will bring to the table in some compatible combination in order for a person with a submissive personality, who has developed strong feelings/love for that dominant with the passion for being dominated that is wanting/needing to have that 24/7 TPE relationship.

Here are some of those things that make up active domination in no particular order or any guarantee I have all of them listed.

Leadership: Dominants lead and slaves follow. Get it and live it. This does not mean 100% of everything after all everyone reading this is human after all or keeping a really big secret. A slave hopefully should not need and especially should not expect 100% in this area but they are certainly expecting and needing leadership in most things involving you and certainly if it affects both of you.

Leadership is making decisions, setting goals and expectations, communicating in a proactive manner and taking responsibility personally and for your slave.

Better be Decisive: Not many people calling themselves Master or Mistress last long by not being able to make decisions, not knowing what they want and looking to their slave for ideas and what they want too much. A slave simply hates this and wants these things as little as possible and is one of the big draws of this life to not have to look too often into the eyes of other and see blankness or indecisiveness.


Direct Communication: Please stop reading erotic literature on M/s or buying into the cool factor of a slave who always anticipates your needs and desires. It sounds so cool and awesome no wonder many act like this is attainable as a way to brag. Guess what? A slave will be proactive to a certain extent but near total will never happen. Your slave will not be a mind reader nor can spend 24/7 exclusively staring at you trying to. You are probably going to want her to not be a mindless zombie and mentally healthy. This requires energy and brain thoughts to not always be about trying to read their Master’s brain.

A big reason a slave is drawn to the power exchange life is they want their other to TELL THEM DIRECTLY what they want and not having to guess at it like in a normal relationship.

Be a taker not a facilitator: A 24/7 TPE slave actually does need to put their owner’s wants and desires, especially short term and immediate ones, first and will take pleasure and happiness from seeing their owner happy and pleasured. Most slaves are simply hypersensitive in sensing and certainly wanting to know if their owner is specifically doing what they want or are doing something ONLY BECAUSE they think their slave wants it.

A slave who has entered into a 24/7 total power exchange relationship has actually given their owner the power to control them within the scope/hard limits for selfish reasons. There is an actual reason why it is called 24/7 TPE and that is that the slave wants to give up control to her owner. The slave wants/needs pure actions from their Master. This simply means we know damn well many times people suppress, change or sacrifice what they want because they know the other for some reason would not want or like that and we do not want that crap in our relationship from our other.

So if as a dominant do not worry or try to mimic a regular couple but you are just taking the lead. If you are horny in the middle of the night wake me to take care of it. It is your right in the relationship. If you want beef stroganoff five nights in a row and makes me have to go to the store each night to get the ingredients then tell me to make it each of those nights. It is your right.

If you as a dominant need your slave to be ok or wanting everything you order her to do or do to her then that is not domination as that is facilitating. A slave gives away our immediate desires and pleasures and cherishes giving them away because our long term desires are being met by having our Master behave in a pure way.

If the dominant is naturally a selfish inconsiderate ass then they will be no matter the dynamic and no power exchange relationship dynamic can fix that. A slave wants a taker and this will mean that things done to make us happy are from our owner’s heart and not payment for services rendered.

Physical Manifestations of the Power Exchange: As a slave I want and need to not just live in a TPE relationship but I need to feel it, taste it, hear it and have it overwhelm my senses.

Here is the deal. Making a slave suffer in some way by making them do something they would not choose on their own is vital as long as the motivations are legit. I want to suffer for the one I call Master because he wants to see a strong show of my love and devotion to him and our TPE dynamic. I want to suffer if he gets pleasure from it, gets him off or just helps him out in some way with a need, want or desire.

I also though need to suffer to know my Master will make me suffer as this is an incredibly strong need of mine. I need to know he has zero problems in making me suffer because if I know this I will feel so much more comfortable that all his other actions are pure from his mind and heart. That if he can make me suffer then him taking me to a nice restaurant is from his heart not from his mind of thinking he better suck up to me.

Physical or verbal manifestations of the power exchange can be but not exclusive to just the kinky things. Kinky things can be done for mutual direct pleasure or done just for the dominant. Plenty of way to do this with out the standard kinks we often focus on. Here is a perfect example of a quick physical manifestation that goes a long way.

Conclusion

Slaves need to be dominated in our life with the one we care/need to serve. The dominant needs to be conscious that this does in fact take effort in thought and many times actions. For those who just want a 1950’s traditional role relationship without any drama or attitude along with an on demand nympho kinky porn star that is simply not a TPE total power exchange relationship.

Disclaimers for the last few posts:

1) Suffer does not equate being miserable. A slave is not looking to be miserable most of the time let alone enjoys the feeling of being miserable. A slave like me suffer a lot with love and pleasure if there is something positive/pleasurable going on for our other or our relationship together. Just making a slave miserable for the sake of making them miserable is not domination. That goes down the slippery slope of abuse.

2) Huge difference between a good dominant and a good significant other and likewise for bad. A person can have all the great qualities of a good dominant and be wonderful in the active domination aspects of the relationship. It though does not automatically make them a good person.

If the dominant is selfish and never does anything considerate and especially out of caring and love this is not a defect in the dynamic and it is simply you probably made a bad choice in whom to fall for. When in a complete relationship regardless of the power dynamic or other has to fulfill things for us. Things like intimacy, sex, support of many types and willingness to sacrifice time and energy for their slave in what life brings with it like family and obligations these are not optional. ANY dominant who either tells you a slave should not need things like this or they have no responsibility to provide them is simply not worth serving! Any dominant who only “tries” to provide these things like they are a reward or payment for services rendered is also simply not worth serving.

Never confuse mistakes in the dynamic or ability of a Master and slave to be “good” with the distinct possibility the person is just not worth it. Power exchange still means there has to be equal effort just that effort is not equal in all things but just on the whole.

Myth of Slaves and Servitude

I was talking to one of my first owners yesterday and she mentioned that a Mistress that we both know from being in the same local community had gotten a book about the power exchange life published. Now this woman has been in it over twenty-five years and no one including myself who know her or have listened to her in a class/seminar would say she has no clue. My former Mistress was upset after reading her book as just promoted the usual stereotypes of submissives being weak and incomplete human beings.

I took a look at her website which had a brief synopsis and right there in that synopsis was the theme that upsets me and runs rampant with dominants. The theme that slaves are all about selfless serving and just care about their owner’s needs being taken care of. It sounds great and it fits both the ego of a dominant (I must be great if this person does these things just for who I am) and a submissive (I am a heck of a slave to be so selfless). The problems being that it is a lie both directly or indirectly and this blatant and rampant promotion that a slave just basically equates servitude causes more problems when one goes looking for a total power exchange relationship from all roles and both genders.

Servitude is not a personality trait or an independent need!

I would never want to mislead one into thinking that serving your owner is not a big part of being a slave because it is and it is a huge one. But the direct and maybe more the indirect promotion that being a slave is about serving and very little or nothing else and this is hard wired in our DNA is not.

Slaves are human beings with other needs, desires, egos, expectations and on and on. But servitude is not one of those needs. Servitude is a byproduct of a submissive personality and other things in us that want and need to please or other and put their needs and desires as are number one need but not only need or even not the only main need. As I write throughout my blog and have especially recently a submissive personality by itself HAS NO NEED to be in a power exchange relationship. To be owned/serve an owner at the level these clueless wonders talk about requires the domination element and that is what an owner must bring to the table and this is way more then “good” character, desire to be spoiled and knowing about toys and using them as rewards for service.

Why the promotion of a slave basically just serves is so bad

1) It is insulting. I am sorry but I am just more of a complete human being and also simply more complicated. To be portrayed like that is the only thing I am about is an actual very dim opinion of a human being that gets broadcasted. Most slaves’ lives are simply more complicated and the desire and ability to serve so unconditionally for another should be acknowledged as a mixture of things and not just some trait along with the great dominant that makes us who we are. In all honesty if all or mainly I am to a perspective owner is expressed by my servitude and you want me 24/7 in a TPE, Fuck you!

2) It is phenomenally misleading. This life is not simply in someone and all they need is some instruction manual and they are good to go. It is especially damaging when people promote the slave serves and lives to please their owner. Again, the reason why is if someone who is capable and fits best as a slave only reads this type of garbage they are going to be confused and maybe make bad decisions or not try severe power exchange when maybe it could give them the best chance of happiness. Because no mentally healthy submissive person out there is dreaming of serving for serving sake as they are really dreaming of finding another person who the will care for greatly/love and with being dominated will need to put this person above themselves as the byproduct.

3) It hurts many experienced and potential owners who could be exceptional owners but shoot themselves in the foot with promoting this both looking for and keeping a slave. For those looking someone like me read this as your philosophy and from past experience will automatically assume you are guilty before innocent of thinking you are a very selfish person wanting more to be spoiled then be in an adult relationship. For those who get a slave and have trouble keeping them, it is not because they are all fakes or turn out to be just “do me” subs only in it for kinky things. It is because you might have mistakenly fooled yourself into thinking serving you makes your slave happy when it is the happy slave who needs to serve.

Why is this myth such a monster?

Two things come into play.

1) EGO!!!!!!!!!

I think by far this is often the thing that gets in the way. Way too many dominants are unprepared to admit to personal failings and sometimes relationships were just not meant to be. These are for the weak not the strong. Often you will read the more lame ones, slave left to care for a sick family member or the slave got a once in a lifetime job out of state because of all the things the owner taught them for example. These we can have a good chuckle over.

But the more common excuses that people often eat up are the turns out the person was a big fake or the always good one “turned out to be just a do me sub”.

Well guess what that do me sub might have been an exceptional slave but left the dominant because they were simply not getting what they needed from the dominant. That the slaves begging for more kink was them trying to simply communicate they needed more active domination in their life and the owner was bringing nothing to the relationship.

There is no shortage of people who are selfish and basically just want to be spoiled calling themselves dominants. These are usually the ones promoting this myth.

I will not let us slaves off so easy as well. We also have a tendency to promote this myth because lets face it; it is quite cool to project this image as it does make us look good. That selfless image of anything anytime for my other no strings attached. Certainly short term there are no strings but the fact is they do something to us that has our submission level high and why we truly want and are willing to serve in such a way.

2) We mirror what we want.

In all relationships we tend to do this. In the short term/beginning of a relationship we tend to do and act out in a way that we want ourselves or our relationships to be. These feelings are real but they are just not the true feelings we are hoping they will become. There is nothing sinister about as it is human nature 101.

For example for many of us we have had flings/no strings sex relationships. Maybe a hot weekend in Las Vegas or at spring break with a person you met there and it was over when you came back home. If you were to see just the sex and compared it to a honeymoon or some great weekend away when in total love sex you would probably not see too big of a difference visually but of course emotionally the sex feels much different and probably better.


We humans do this all the time. It can look the same but in reality it is quite different. For example when I started seeing my Master whenever I visited him I always wanted to clean his house and cook for him. It was not because I had the need as a slave to serve but because I liked him and wanted him to like me and for me to show what I was all about and can offer. Now that he owns my mind, heart and body I need to do all the domestic things at least up to his level and hopefully more like I am a drug addict.

The problem is when we mirror it will only have a short time frame where it needs to turn into the real thing or it simply will not continue. This is where many people get confused. Because often the people calling themselves dominants but are just really wanting to be spoiled, ego stroked and are selfish in nature. They want the byproduct of a slave who is getting what they need and has true emotional feelings for that person so they obsess over the sample goods not realizing it is just a sample and the slave has a big say if to buy and is looking and hoping the dominant is going to step up.

So the dominant has the slave jump through these hoops not realizing they are only getting the sample. They get their house cleaned, meals cooked and what not but for the ones who are not willing to bring active domination to the table in the relationship they will fail. This is how no one can never really tell from the outside if the slave failed to an owner because they were just a do me type or the owner was bringing nothing to the table.

Dominants must bring something to the table other then their wonderful character and “natural” “dominant” personality

Slaves do not live to serve or even mainly serve. It is simply a powerful byproduct of our submissive personality, falling for our owner and that owner’s active domination over us mixed all together that makes us need to serve our owner and make their needs and desires be our number one need.

Slaves are not like dogs and can get trained to serve and obey by being rewarded by kinky things. A person calling themselves dominants who basically use kinks as payments for being spoiled are not having many successful long term relationships.

Remember the Mistress I mentioned at the top of this post who published a book and in it preaches slaves are mainly about servitude. Well did you know she has never had a relationship last more then nine months in her life?

Just a reminder to filter anything you read or hear, including my junk, through your own brain for reality and common sense. There is a huge difference of wishing something or someone is and what they are. The successful people do not wish but work in reality to make it happen.

Mentors

Reposted from my FAQ blog because I read something that miffed me and this was better then a more long winded thing I would have written.

Is there value to mentors?

Mentors are a controversial topic in power exchange life as there are many possibilities.

In my opinion there are two ways mentors add any value:

1) The common view of a mentor is a person who you can learn, respect and bounce questions and opinions and get an OBJECTIVE opinion back. A mentor like this is NOT going to play with you or want any power given over to them. They are just their as a friend.

2) Many use the word “mentor” as a euphemism for a short term or casual relationship that may or may not have sex involved but will have power of some type and level given over and probably some kink things.

So if one is in the exploring stage and wants to find out what they are attracted to and want in a power exchange relationship before looking for the one often people love the term mentor as it seems more noble and less tainted then fling, short term or words of that nature.

Now the bad things that mentor can really be a bad term.

1) Giving power over, especially decisions or controlled communication, to basically a stranger is seriously fucked up.

First and foremost even calling yourself a slave and in the most total power exchange relationship has any person in a free society abdicated their personal responsibility or their right to pursue being happy. If you want or even think it is a good idea to give someone else power over major decisions in your life that is not your love one but some person who wants to be thought as a mentor you need to step back and get some help.

People do not do things just for the good of their heart. Friends and family who have known you for years care about you. A relatively new person to your life is not caring about you but wants something from you.

People who “enjoy” mentoring another by taken the “broken” submissive and fixing them into someone who flourishes is just as devoid of self esteem as the submissive who agrees to follow them. They are relative strangers and their drug is feeling superior to others and a submissive looking for a mentor to show and protect them from this new strange world is their drug of choice. They will not help that submissive by being independent and getting them the help and support they need in order to work on their self esteem issues but instead feed on it by re-enforcing the thoughts that the submissive cannot make good decisions for themselves.

How is someone going to “fix” someone when they have an absolute need to feel superior to anyone close to them to begin with? Mentors like this are all hot air. Remember someone looking out for another’s best interest is going to only be concerned about trying to get the other person the tools so they can make good decisions for themselves and not shield them from the big bad world.

2) One true way

If interested in having a mentor avoid anyone that has one true way type thoughts whether just being friends with the person or playing with them in some way. If your goal is to explore and find yourself then being told to you have to do this or do that is just a giant waste of time and can give you a bad impression if that one true way is not your way.

3) Fear mongering

There are just too many, even good experienced people, who need to chest thump to make them feel better about themselves and this is often expressed by promoting the classic “every dominant but me is a loser and an abuser”.

It is very simple if you could not make good choices in others in the regular relationship world you will struggle in the power exchange world. Of course there are losers and abusers in this life but they are the same types in the regular world and if you are all there easy to spot.

This life for someone new can be scary and seem more extreme and therefore might feel it is completely different the regular relationships and therefore the people must be completely different. They are not. A friend/mentor would be someone who helps calm your fears and educate you and not someone who hides you from exposure and stokes your fears and hesitations about this life.

Emphasized Qualities of a Slave

I will make this introduction short so not just to be too repetitive in my words from my last post on emphasized qualities of a Dominant. Just a short refresher, I will be listing qualities that may or may not be qualities that any good person should strive for but in a total power exchange (TPE) relationship are qualities a slave should have a lot of.

So anyone from any role who thinks like trust, patience and honesty are something different or more important or special because one calls themselves Master or slave or one is in a TPE relationship sorry it is not. I would hope in ANY good relationship things like trust, patience and honesty are there in us and our other otherwise they really would not be good relationships.

Here are some qualities that should be emphasized in a slave:

Obedient- Let us start off with the most obvious and therefore most boring one. This word gets tossed around in this life maybe more then any word but few really think about it outside of it being a literal action. So what is exactly obedience in terms of a quality to have?

In my know it all opinion it is a level significant enough that the often never ending human brain judging of every action and words being right or wrong and/or this is better then that does not interfere with following orders, rules, rituals and just in general the dynamic agreed upon. For me this something you will probably have or not but does not mean on the level that one can get to with concentration and effort.

A slave must be able to drop the often needless and now useless thoughts that a brain naturally thinks of and for them not to interfere with being a good slave. This does not mean that one cannot or will not have thoughts like this because surely we will and do, but this quality needs to be in us enough. The level is pretty easy to determine, if one can have thoughts of right or wrong and/or better or worse and still carry out our duties and orders then that is good enough. If one has to process and convince themselves that many let alone everything they do should or needs to be right or the “better” way then obedience will always be tricky.

Nonconformity – This is often a sister trait to obedience in that rarely will one have the obedience quality but not have this one. This is also different then what many people picture nonconformity with more out there expressions often based on a need for attention or to feed unhealthy self esteem.

While obedience is about the ability of one to lose or ignore self internalized/experienced thoughts of how something should be nonconformity is being able to ignore what our cultural, societal, friends and family expect or judge things and being able to not be a slave to those things. It can range from breaking away from only a few things to nearly everything but on your terms as a couple.

For example, one must not mind calling one’s Master to ask permission to go out with some friends from work and not having a problem if he says no and have no trouble when your friends tease you or worse think you need help.

For example, one must overcome “good” girls do this and “bad “girls do that and realize as a slave there is just being a slave no good or bad.

Unselfish – Again a noble trait for anyone to have and an obvious one for a slave but the reason I point this one out is again think past the obvious and more to how a person is wired which makes it less about individual acts and more about the person as a whole.

Acts done can be and often are for selfish reasons even from the most selfless slave or any person for that matter. Just the fact that I intentionally sought my other for a total power exchange relationship and look for certain qualities was all about me being selfish and thinking what is best for me to put myself in the best situation to experience happiness in my life shows I am not selfless.

So sorry for all the dominants who think a slave should be selfless and even slaves you enjoy thinking they are selfless because nearly all of you are not. Like the female dominant looking for a man to do all domestic work, build her a new kitchen and give her most of his money while not doing anything intimate/sexual with them. Like the couple wanting a woman to do all the domestic work, personal hand maiden to the wife, baby sit the kids or older parents, maintain a outside job to help support “the family” all without any intimacy/sex and inconveniencing them. All three are looking for a selfless human being and that is a needle in the haystack situation.

So at the end of that mini rant you get the picture that selfless and unselfish are two very different things. Unselfish as a quality in a slave is about a slave who can truly take enjoyment and maybe more importantly deal with things not going the way you would prefer without judgment and for the pleasures they are for themselves and not about what did I get out of it.

Going out of the way to do certain things for one’s Master and enjoying and taking pride in doing those things is unselfish. Going out of the way to chase compliments or desired specific actions and reactions of your Master is selfish. My Mom has a great example in regular world stuff. Trying to get a five year old to read the card to a gift you gave them, appreciate how you wrapped it and expecting them to be interested in how you went about buying it is selfish. Enjoying them tear open the wrapping without a thought to you in the world is unselfish.

Passion for the dynamic – I wrote this quality in the Master section and it is equally important with a slave.

Forget other qualities if a person wants this life because of what they think it will give them in terms of some sort of end products and not for the actual power exchange life and all that it goes with then that person will probably fail.

For prospective slaves this often is about thinking they will get certain things by calling themselves a slave. Often these are the people looking for things like an out going take charge man who wants to be personally responsible for their other and their family. They want a man who will fuck them when they are horny by taking/claiming them sexually and not some permission seeking was it good for you wimp for example. But sadly, their goal of getting just this and thinking some kink and agreeing to some domestic work or all based on their work goals is power exchange and of course it is not.

A slave must have passion for the actual life. This includes obedience, truly putting our Master above ourselves and doing things on another’s terms and way. It is dedicating oneself to 24/7 this way and not about what we are feeling in the moment.

Relinquishes active control easily – There is a woman on the message board I mention often who often writes that submissives are control freaks. I often would write a rebuttal to her words not that I disagreed with her because I agreed with her 100% but the fact the word control freak was very misleading in this case.

When we think of control freaks we think of active control freaks wanting to know what is being done is going how they exactly want it that they are often dismissive of other human beings. A slave is a control freak but in a passive way. We want to eliminate as much uncertainty with other human beings, especially our significant other as possible. So our way of controlling this always wants to know what a person says, asks or does is as pure and honest as possible. This is at the heart of our motivation when any dominant wonders why we answer “what ever you want” to the question “What do you want”.

For example I have never or will never have an issue with my Master going golfing on Saturday morning no matter if he spent a week away from me on business. I know he loves to golf and it is his standard time with his friends. For me to do anything to get him to stay with me instead (active control) just is not going to happen. But occasionally he does stay home and that is a wonderful thing as it was 100% his choice (passive control).

To be a slave in a TPE relationship one has not much desire for active control. With active control come expectations, disappointments and expectations that a slave not only puts on her Master but also takes away from the passive control she might crave. For example, I knew a woman who could express great desire for a M/s relationship and that Domestic Discipline was heavily involved. But she would also talk about having no desire to be punished by her Master on his terms but thought it would be best if she thought she deserved a punishment or a maintenance spanking that she would do something overt( act out playfully) so he would then have a clear signal that it was ok to punish her. With the lack of ability to relinquish active control she had no chance to get into a healthy M/s relationship and have the passive control she craved.

Conclusion

Slaves are not selfless human beings but at the same time must have certain qualities in them that they can serve someone on their terms and not the slave’s and that there is a huge difference between big picture getting what we want and in the moment. It is easy to think and communicate that we are obedient and put our other above ourselves but quite different when it comes not on our terms, time frames and learned right/wrong and/or better/worse mindset. A slave must have the qualities as a base to overcome the difference. We may not be at a level needed or desired from the start but if they are there we can get to that level. Those qualities do have to be there and can not be learned.

Emphasized Qualities of a Master

This is not going to be some all consuming stereotype list where qualities like trust, honesty, communication and on and on get listed or written in such an overblown way. Sorry, but when ever you start to list qualities for anyone or any group to have they will in fact be almost all the same. The simple reason being the qualities that are always listed are simply qualities that both genders regardless of any roles strive for to be a good person.

Sorry dominants, but Calling yourself and even other’s calling you Master or Mistress does not mean your qualities such as your word, trust, experience and on and on make you better people or dominants. Master or Mistress does not mean you have or do not have those qualities and ESPECIALLY you have them over other people like it is some competition.

Sorry submissives, your dominant and especially if you are looking for one is no different then any other human being on the planet. Waxing romantically about a perfect human being as a starting point for your ideal Master ranges from setting oneself up for failure to just delusional as a dominant is a person like everyone else and there is simply no official licensing test to claim they have perfect character.

The fact is we all want to be and search for good people. Good people have these qualities that are so routinely tossed out. We cannot give ourselves qualities and think that is that nor can we pat ourselves on the back if some friends give us those qualities as well; even the biggest losers have friends that will testify that they have great character.

So until we start hearing and reading people searching out “good” dominants and submissives but do not care if they have “good” character these qualities that are often mentioned are to be proven on an individual basis and are not qualities that separate a Master just because he utters them as a way to look better then others.

What I am though going to list are qualities that I think a dominant should have but should have it in a large scale. These qualities can or do not have to be qualities that make up a good person but are just ones through my personal history and communicating with others are qualities that go a long way when factoring in the power dynamic and the two people running smoothly. Again this is from the eyes of a total power exchange slave and I am not forming an opinion on lesser power exchange dynamics.

So after finding a “good person” a slave might want to see if the following qualities are also in their dominants.

Decisiveness – This may be hands down the honey that can draw a slave to a perspective Master. It is probably the one quality that before any power is exchanged can and should be shown within the potential Master.

Generally slaves hate uncertainty and being constantly looked at for an opinion or ideas. A Master who cannot make up his mind let alone make a decision and lead is not long for a 24/7 TPE relationship. Decisive is not only a needed quality but simply for many people like myself it is a quality that flat out is attractive to us on many levels.

Example when starting to see someone:

Not hot: “Where do you want to eat? What time is best for you?”
Hot: “I will pick you up at seven and we will be going here for dinner.”

Example in a scene:

Not hot: “Would you like me to use this toy on you?”
Hot: “I want to see what I can do to your tits with this toy”

Show me a naturally decisive Master that knows it is different from being demanding or rude and I will show you a Master that can have slaves drooling over them.

Considerate – The word screams duh and is not that one quality any good person should have but there are levels to being considerate and that is what I want to point out here.

How people normally go about communicating with people and particularly with their significant other is on a personal basis and a compatibility factor. Consideration for other people can range from always thinking about them to only considering them when they are yelling at us.

As slaves we are generally not very good at or wanting to have to speak up for ourselves sometimes let alone always when needed. I do not mean we should never or that there is not a strong difference between cannot or tough/do not like to as never speaking up for ourselves is not something a Master can fix as they cannot be mind readers. So because we tend to want to keep expressing our desires to the minimal it is important to find a Master who has enough consideration in them to think about and read their slaves and just not thinking about them at all unless they speak up.

For example, there is a huge difference between a Master always picking the restaurant that may or may not take their slave’s preferences into consideration from time to time and one who always picks but never thinks about what their slave likes.

Passion for the dynamic – I talked specifically about this in one of my foundation posts. I though wanted to write a short thing here.

There is a big difference between a person calling themselves a Master or a Mistress that want a total power exchange dynamic and a person calling themselves that and are just basically wanting to be spoiled and catered to. The many aspects we talk about like control, discipline, kinky things, domination and so on are active day to day things that a Master must have a passion for doing. Being spoiled and catered to is not power exchange.

For example many of the do not get it types wish to have that 1950’s wife. I call these people the time warped ones. The reason why is because their view of a 1950’s actual wife is just plain delusional. Traditional gender role relationships (1950’s) had females responsible for the domestic work and the man was the final say in many things but there was very little power exchange going on. In other words the 1950’s did not have the wife dressed or undressed to their husbands liking greeting him with his favorite beverage on her knees blowing him before dinner then go finish preparing and serving dinner that she made with great effort and consideration to his liking and approval.

So a Master needs passion for the actual power exchange dynamic and not just wanting an end product of being spoiled, catered and deferred to.

At least a touch of domineering personality – First and foremost domineering does not mean asshole or abusive. It pretty much means overbearing. A good Master will have an aura about him that to his slave makes her fall deeper into feeling more submissive when interacting with her Master.

I like please and thank you from my Master as much as the next slave even though both of us know it is an order but I would not want them with every thing that is asked of me in our communication. Same with tone as all unemotional like without passion would just flat out suck. The fact is at least some domineering personality goes a long way in helping create a healthy power exchange environment and flat out bring good things and feelings to a slave like me. Now personally I do not like a little domineering personality but I like a ton but I also know this is not normal. But at the same time those Masters who get a thrill out of saying how they never do anything with passion(a voice raised or not polite) which includes actively controlling their slave and come across as dispassionate professors as their personality I can guarantee you have trouble holding onto a slave in a 24/7 TPE relationship.

For example, I am the answer to the question of who would go out with an asshole like that when you would see my man have my coat and tell me we are leaving in an absolute tone and prefer that over him asking, even if we know it is an order if I am ready to leave. The latter I follow but the former literally gets me sexually excited.

At least a touch of sadism – There has to be a better term and would take suggestions but I am not necessarily referring to liking to give pain to another when I use sadism. What I am trying to get across is a quality in a Master that can enjoy making their slave suffer in some way.

What I repeat often in this blog is simple. People with submissive personalities do not need a Master or any agreed upon power exchange dynamic to be happy. They will spoil and defer to whoever is their significant other. People who identify as slaves have submissive personalities who enjoy, desire and crave being dominated. Domination is what the Master brings to the table in forcing their will and control on their slave. By definition this has to be some things that a slave would not want to do otherwise there would be no need to be in a power exchange relationship.

So a Master who can only order and control knowing that their slave gets direct pleasure in the act is not really dominating but facilitating and will lose respect from the slave as they are not getting the fuel they need which is being truly dominated.

So in some way a Master or Mistress must enjoy making their slave suffer which is dominating and controlling them in a way which they do not want or enjoy for the actual thing itself. It can be actual sadism of enjoying inflicting pain and seeing tears and hearing cries and other direct action things to making your slave do things and taking great pleasure that they suffer purely out of love and devotion to their Master but there has to be a strong element of pleasure received by the dominant doing something(s) that are in fact active domination.

Conclusion

When talking about qualities toss off the qualities that every one should have. A dominant a slave will serve should be a good person and therefore have those qualities. Basic qualities that all human beings should strive for does not make one better or special because of a title or thinking one has a “code” that includes these basic human qualities.

The qualities I mentioned and certainly others that slipped my mind can be qualities everyone should have but at least for a total power exchange relationship one is wise to find a Master or Mistress that has these particular qualities oozing out of them AS WELL AS being a good person.

Are Asians more kinky/dirtier?

Originally posted in my short topics blog and edited for easier read and some additional content.


I have a pretty strong opinion on this but have been reluctant to share it over my sensitivity to promote a negative (to some) stereotype and in general my common answer for almost all questions of “are they more” are almost always no they are the same just like everyone else. I decided I would take the plunge and share my opinion.

I do not believe for one second that a person with Asian genes in them makes them more prone to be kinky and specifically into dirtier (degradation/humiliation) sex. I do though think though that Asians raised in Eastern culture that are prone to be into those types of things to be probably a significant higher percentage then from other cultures. My two reasons are:

1) Eastern culture through its biggest influence in spirituality is based greatly on understanding and acceptance of reality and connections or lack of connections between things. What this might have to do with it is that I just feel that it might be easier to process our desire for it and/or not have to fight the societal preaching stigmatism of thinking we are not suppose to be into this. Specifically from my communications what often appears to be the biggest road block of if I do something degrading does that actually make me or make the other person think lesser of me.

2) I think by far though the biggest reason is it can be a tremendous outlet based on Eastern culture obsession of strict formal behaviors and obsession like dedication to being respectful of others and our appearance and actions to non family is always a reflection on our family.

Eastern respect(face) is a novel in itself to explain but for this purpose it is not only to present yourself properly in public, adhere to family principals and to strive for a level of excellence. This obviously includes do not to do anything in public that is not considered proper but also plays a large role within the family dynamic. This is especially driven home that everything you do is a reflection on your family so that only amounts to a certain pressure/stress in areas of our lives.

So for a blow of pent up stress in this area an outlet like intentionally doing humiliating or degrading things in private helps relieve the pressure for some and in my opinion why Asians probably indulge in humiliation and degradation play at a higher percentage, but certainly not all and obviously still a small minority.

To me this is not uncommon. Look at many of the Japanese game shows that you have seen in humor segments on news shows that almost all of them have to deal with public humiliation but it an acceptable setting. Look at how many normally conservative appearing women slut it up for Halloween parties or have little problem wearing revealing bikinis on a beach. Why do many act quite differently when on vacation, say Las Vegas? I think what is common to all of these things is letting out some pent up frustration of having to hide ourselves a little bit and these are all venues where they are considered acceptable behavior.

I do not think Asians have it in their genes I just think because of our culture there is more stress that can get released by humiliation and degradation play. I also believe our culture does not tie in sex with spirituality like Western culture does and in the privacy of our own homes allows the potential to accept exploring this avenue.

It Is What It Is

The human brain is complex not linear

Often in life we tend to make gross generalizations. Often ones having to do with other people and/or some one size fit all type statement are particularly bad and offensive that deserve any beat down they get when heard or read. Then there are statements and thoughts about a specific topic or ourselves that appear simple and straightforward but the truth is they too can be gross generalizations that with more thought are usually not so absolute.

We often like to make our beliefs and personal preferences and thoughts as logical facts. The fact is the human brain controls us and it is not a logic/fact machine but one that throws in the spectrum of thoughts, emotions, experiences and the kitchen sink into everything we do. Therefore most things might have a common thought for most people and some things can very from person to person. The big factor is our own brain. The classic example to me is does penis size matter. The logical scientists always want to point out about where the nerve endings in a woman’s vagina are. But the fact is a woman’s pleasure with sex also has a lot to do with their brain and if their head thinks size matters then all the nerve endings at the end of the vagina in the world will not matter.

I got thinking about this after some conversation where I work and then stumbling upon a few of the usual type questions and statements the power exchange life love to debate. The answer for most of the example that follow is that it may be one thing/thought primarily for one person but can be a different one thought primarily for another and be completely a different thought to both when altering their thought parameters.

It often about context

One of the more common questions of this genre that I have often heard is people trying to define oral sex as a submissive act or not. Often this is played out in terms of is oral sex itself submissive or the stupid debate of should a dominant even give oral sex to their slave as it is not a dominant act.

Again it depends on the person and the situation; certainly being ordered to give a blow job when one is not thinking or particularly in the mood would be a submissive act to most people. But I would think for most people initiating oral sex in a no strings/reciprocal way would not be submissive. Then there is the often communicated desire for a submissive woman who is in a domestic discipline relationship that strongly wants to suck the cock of her man after a spanking and/or corner time has happen. Certainly our submissive feelings are strong in that moment but at least for me this desire to want to do that to my man has less about our dynamic and more about my stroked desire to show my love by an performing an intimate act of pleasure. So I do not necessarily equate it as a submissive act for myself but could see why one would.

Then it can just be a constant

Sometimes context does not control the feelings one has but at best merely might lighten or deepen the feeling. A good example with me is anal sex. This always feels submissive to me no matter what context. Even when I have done this without any power exchange aspect around with or without people in the life anal sex always feels submissive for me personally. Certainly and I think obviously there are many people within the life that anal sex gives off no submissive feelings as well.

Again our human brain is tricky and unique. So for me and my example my initial reaction to being penetrated is a that is not natural and not as pleasurable as regular intercourse while others on the opposite end might be thinking pleasure time has begun. Then there are the ones in between where context will mean everything.

Even if something to the person is a constant does not mean to believe everyone has that same feeling constantly for that thing.

For consideration and communication

My reason for what I have written is for both roles in the power exchange dynamic to understand themselves and the other person in terms of these feelings from an individual level and not from a theoretical level and maybe more importantly be accepting of the answers you get.

It may be nice to think a slave just naturally gets direct pleasure by doing their domestic duties for their dominant but if the slave only gets the overall pleasure of pride and caring that they create a good home for their family and loved one then that needs to be respected. This is also why it is actually easy to administer a spanking to a masochist for a punishment in which they do go through the stages of punishment as the context is completely different then if for pleasure.

Understanding the other’s feelings and if context is important or everything in certain acts can go a long way in making a power exchange relationship go more smoother and maximize the good feelings. Accepting the human brain can treat something a way you do not think is “normal” or logical is an important and way more beneficial then preaching how it should think.

Successful Long Distance Courtship

There are many who say that internet dating or long distance relationships cannot be done but here is not one but both a success story.

Background

I am more move friendly then most. I have moved seven times and lived in two different countries, two different cultures, and five states before I turned thirty. The current state I was living in I had only been there a few years and no family was there so my ties were just not there outside of my enjoyment of where I worked.

Career wise as an RN I am extremely fortunate to have opportunities pretty much everywhere so finding a job was not a problem. Overall, I just was not anchored and for that reason alone made my journey to move to another state to be with my Master easier then most.

Early contact

We met on my site of preference where he wrote me a beautiful and fairly short message which I have saved and look at often still today. It was three paragraphs long and summed up me and what I was all about like he just got me. It was creepy and exciting all the same time.

After that it was exchange Emails and telephone calls for a little over three weeks until I traveled to him to meet the first time.

First Meeting

Despite the erotic fiction out there and maybe a more power exchange romantic thought of a first meet I did not meet him nude in my hotel room. I did not take orders from him on our first date. We acted like any other couple on a first date, of course three weeks of incredible dialog and so much in agreement it did not feel like a first date after the first fifteen minutes or so.

Rest of the Weekend

Did normal couple things and no orders or anything construed as kinky and every second becoming better then the next. We did have sex; hey if you read this blog you can get an accurate picture I have said no to sex very few times in my entire life.

Next weekend

He came to visit me and more cool couple stuff, sex and yes are first foray into the kinky things. Everything went awesome and the morning before he left we had our first serious sit down discussion mapping out and agreeing to how we wanted to proceed and agreed to give over power when in his presence.


Must add we had also talked and we had both talk about and agreed to the need to build up from scratch and not dive deep in. So giving power over was not a situation where he would do something outrageous or not in context with where we were in the relationship. But both of us had zero desire, bonding point, to have our relationship be anything but power exchanged based. In other words we were not trying to establish a regular relationship and then move into a power exchange one.

What happen next

To quickly finish the timeline we spent the next six months slowly progressing into our relationship until he asked me to move in with him which by then was just a simple statement of fact as far as I was concerned. A little after six months I became his 24/7 slave in real time.

Our dealings with the distance

One of our bonding things were neither was interested in trying to keep up the dynamic through telephone and Email. When we were not together he did not control my life or give orders unless just for his fun.

I worked nights he works normal hours. Often during the work week there were some days any phone calls let alone long lasting ones were impossible. We simply agreed not to worry about this and never had an issue with one avoiding contact. In fact if William was writing this he might tell you that one of the things he liked best about me was that I did not require daily phone calls lasting hours. In fact he might rank that higher then I would be comfortable with. ;)

We were also fortunate because of or jobs flexibility and income levels that money was not an issue. With that we were able to never go more then ten days and usually a week or less without seeing each other. So this was six months with a lot of human contact and not just six months and three real time visits for example.

What I think we did right I have not read about a lot

1) We saw each other as much as possible and based it on our time together in real time then time spent overall together.

2) We made sure pretty much early on to make a conscious effort to try to make are time together as “normal” as possible. It could be so easy to just spend most of the time in bed for the few days we would have but we consciously avoided that temptation. I spent time cooking and cleaning for him and much to my stubbornness he would do the same too much. Because of my job I would have days off in the middle of the week and allowed the great opportunity to be with him for “mundane” days and not just “special weekends”.

3) We did not burden one or the other with trying to maintain the power exchange and M/s level when we were a part. Not saying people cannot do that but my belief it is different and not the same and if this causes one or both to get drained or drown over the pressure to do then that can be a major problem.

4) We only had our relationship be power exchange. To each their own but to me when trying to deal with long distance relationship is really tough then to throw in establishing a regular relationship and then transitioning into a 24/7 total power exchange relationship there is a ton of extra stuff there along with a different set of compatibility issues to just move without that already working as best as it can.

What I think we did wrong

Nothing my Master is perfect and by default that makes me perfect. ;)

1) Did not make enough effort establishing relationships with other people in the new city. This is difficult for me to do in general but the early months would have been way better if I had spent more time with his family and some of his friends. I would have been more comfortable when he was away so much that part was a struggle.

2) We assumed that we had everything covered. We did not both in the dynamic, feelings and our general self. If I was to do it all over again I think we would have had several sit down serious conversations early on so we both were on the same page.

So there you have it one successful long distance relationship into a total power exchange relationship. Granted our circumstances were more ideal then most to give us maybe a better chance at success but still those who say it cannot be done here is my tongue sticking outside of my mouth!

No on/off switch

No enhancements

When discussing Total Power Exchange (TPE) relationship it seems quite obvious that with the word total it is assumed almost most or all power is giving over to the dominant. But what can be a problem is from both ends truly understanding and maybe more importantly the complexity of living truly this way.

I got myself in trouble again by not being able to skip reading a profile on my way to reading my messages and it was from a man who proceeded to want a slave for a TPE and then listed what he wanted like he was ordering from a made to order robot catalog. What I mean he clearly just wanted his life now and for a woman to fit in while still being 24/7 TPE slave for him. To use just how he wanted and pretty much a typical woman outside of when he wanted to engage and I do not mean just on kink and sex, in other words, a slave with an on/off switch for his convenience.

If you want another person to commit to you fully you have to commit to the other fully

What I just wrote sounds like me warning dominants that they must also fully commit but I wrote it as an important reminder for both roles. It is very simple, if you enter into any type of relationship where you expect the person to be 100% committed, as in this person is only to be with you for all things we normally constitute as what we get and expect as couples, then we have to supply the same things back to them. Dominant or submissive this goes as it is quite simply the way it is.

What I am next about to type should be the most blatantly obvious thing I have ever written in my life. When someone commits to us part of the deal is they will from need through just want some or many things they can only get with being with another person now are responsibilities for us. We are talking about basic companionship, sex, financial, emotional and physical security off the top of my head.

Theorized quicksand

Here are some stereotypes of people calling themselves dominants or submissives who fail to comprehend such a simple and obvious fact.

1) Dominants who want a completely regular relationship except for on demand total obedience, the proverbial slave with an on/off switch.
2) Submissives who want a dominant to have an on/off switch so they can do basically what they want and want to give up power on their terms and especially their time table.
3) Couples looking for a third basically for domestic duties.
4) Dominants, primarily females, who will not or very little do any sexual/intimate let alone sex with their slave but still expect to find a slave to be totally dedicated to them in a major and exclusive relationship.

All these people have one thing in common and that is they do not want to accept responsibility and owe time to the needs and strong desires of the people they want total commitment from. I called this section “theorized quicksand” because this group and others not thought of off the top of my head are the world leaders of the crime “cyber theorist”. Life does not work in their favor to get the perfect set up so they make things up that go against logic and basic human beings 101 and get on their pedestal to preach it. In the end these people either find their needle in the haystack person or never find another or find but never can hold onto another.

This also very much includes the mindset of another

Getting back to my original example of the guy only wanting a slave to be slave like when he needed it, he was very honest and I commend him for that. He clearly communicated a desire to do what he wanted in life which was to hang out with the boys and come home to a nice house without any responsibility on his end while still, again on his absolute terms, have his slave do anything at anytime but outside of all this the woman would be free to be herself.

Why this is he does not get it is simply because he wants total committed servitude but only randomly all the while clearly communicating no responsibility of effort on his part for his slave. The part though I want to comment on is the be on your own except when I feel like it then it is 100% total as this is an impossible mindset.

A slave cannot be deeply submissive without any consistency let alone go from being a Sex in the City woman to slave on demand. The mind and personality just does not work that way. What we do that is slave like is not about on demand in the moment but an overall personality and attaining and maintaining a submission level that is compatible for all the people in the relationship.

Slaves I will not let off easy

Since I have bashed dominants more I will bash slaves a little here.

Most women and certainly slaves are attracted to men who are leaders/take charge type people. Slaves we are also particular to men who can communicate what they want and can easily take charge of a situation and especially our relationship with them. Like the section above a dominant that has these qualities that we want there is a mindset in those qualities that we as submissives must accept that they do not want or have the ability to turn this on and off at will.

The fact is if you want a TPE relationship this simply means as a slave you must accept that your life is going to revolve around the dominant and not treat it as simply an addition to your current life but is in fact a life changing thing. There is a difference between a dominant not stepping up to the plate for real life things as well as your needs and strong desires they are called poor significant other. But it is a slave’s duty to comprehend and understand the difference of sacrifice of life being once basically just being about you and life now being more about the dominant.

Simply put a dominant looking for TPE is not looking to become a glorified mind reader and willing to turn his dominance on and off based on your own desires and whims.

The good comes with the bad

TPE relationships are not some magical cure allowing one to live their life perfectly and use the dynamic as a power tool that can be turned on and off when convenient for one person in the relationship. To get to that level and maintain it requires sacrifice from both parties and acceptance that it will affect all aspects of the relationship and the individual to a certain extent and to accept complete responsibility for the other person’s needs and strong desires period.

Is sex separate?

Reposted from my FAQ blog as I thought it was a good companion piece to the post above. In some way you could substitute sex with any other thing we rely on our significant other to give us that would fall to us as a need or strong desire but sex is the one that certain cyber theorist love to think is irrelevant drive for a submissive.

Is sex separate from BDSM and other kinks, D/s and M/s?

I am absolute in my belief in this issue and will write soon about sex and power exchange in a large post but want to get this down now.

Sex is a drive that goes up to the line between strong desire and need. Most human beings have zero desire not to try to have a satisfying sex life. Sex is also something that in many of us driven to heighten desire with intimacy with a person we love. Wedding nights and anniversaries couples are not making the effort to be alone together so they can break out a nice private card game.

When doing BDSM things with our other they can and often tend to be intimate experiences on some level. So even when not done for sexual pleasure the mind is often still going in areas where sexual desires will come spilling out. It is like giving your other a massage in your bed while naked. It does not have to be sexual, it can be totally sexual and it may or may not directly lead to sex.

So do any acts or pure power dynamic it is always about sex. Certainly not none of it has to be. The overwhelming odds though are if you are doing these acts and only with the one person you love that these acts and sex will intertwine in potentially a variety of ways.

Why do some then promote this life has nothing to do with sex?

Because they are extremely selfish human beings or in self denial to themselves and others involved with them period!

Again sex is a drive for a human being and one where most of us will insist on trying to be satisfied in this area. The ones who preach this garbage do it for various selfish reasons.

1) People with abnormally low or none (asexual) sex drives. They use power exchange as a way to try to find love and commitment but with little sex or none as possible.

2) Married people who wander outside their marriage to get their BDSM/kinks desires satisfied. They do not have sex with the people they play with (they already have a sexual outlet) and like to promote no sex so potential partners who this has a sexual factor will not try anything sexual.

3) Couples or even single people who only want parts of another human being but not the whole of a person and use power exchange to try to get that. They want the submissive to be totally dedicated to them but they do not want the responsibility of the other side of the equation. These are the people looking for free maids, cooks, babysitters, personal assistants and general free laborers. As you can probably tell by my words I find this particular group to be quite disgusting because of just how ignorant and selfish they truly are.

Now of course there are submissive people who are more then happy to be treated this way and not have sex or it is very limited. They may also have low or no sex drives and other perfectly good reasons. But these people are like finding a needle in a haystack.

Why I particularly hate this group of people is because they refuse to acknowledge what they are looking for is very rare but instead try to convert everyone to the belief power exchange does not have to include sex. That submissive’s really only need to please their others to be happy and any other needs/desires means they are fakes and losers. That somehow submissives are less human because that can be the only logical conclusion why they think we are such incomplete human beings.