April 7, 2008

Foundation: Part Four-Passion

I moan and roll my eyes every time people start listing qualities of a good dominant/submissive or what is the foundation of power exchange relationships. The reason why the list is always qualities that are important in any good person or in any good relationship like trust, honesty and communication.

This is not that. I believe there are four important qualities that are critical to highlight as they are ones that get more emphasized in power exchange relationships. The reason being not that they are more important compared to other relationship dynamics but they are more radically different or require more conscious knowledge and effort then in other dynamic types.

To me there are four: Structure, Atmosphere, Consistency and Passion.


I want to write about them in four separate posts. So this post is dedicated to:

Part Four: Passion

When the word passion is mentioned it usually drums up thoughts of the romantic nature. The truth is regardless of a couple’s dynamic there are perfectly contented couples living in relatively passionless relationships when it comes to romance and sex so that type of romance is not anymore required in power exchange relationships as any other.

The passion I am writing about in this post is the passion for the power exchange life. If it is not in you and you fail to nourish it or have it drained from you it can be quite difficult to keep the dynamic a healthy one for you and therefore put your relationship in jeopardy.

Be careful to avoid or understand these situations:

Avoid control just for control sake: There are certain things a dominant cannot avoid or slack off in. As a leader you have to be proactive and accept and embrace that you will be making most of the decisions in the relationship. Most of the time that is not an energy drainer and with some understanding many decisions are easy or automatic.

On the other hand when having what must be intoxicating the power to control a slave it can be easy to over indulge or just set up so many things that require an owner’s attention and effort that it can wear on a dominant. This is no good. Ideally control and/or attention/effort in doing things in the power dynamic should feed us energy most of the time so it may be great pressing all the buttons at first but maybe at some point the dominant becomes enslaved to those buttons.


The classic example is many new dominants think picking out all their clothes for their slave would be cool. But the reality of doing it day in and day out can quickly turn it into a chore.

A slave needs to communicate what drains them and what feeds them: A key part of a life of a slave is doing things that if it was up to us without thought to our owner we would not do. Now I am not just talking about acts of domination but anything that is in our life that our Master expects to be done and done with the proper attitude. Not 24/7 forever do we feel happy and get pleasure from suffering for our owner, doing our duties and following our rules and rituals.

As a slave we have an important and vital duty to communicate what things or what situations can drain us energy wise and also good to communicate what things and situations energize us. The reason for us to communicate this with our owners is not so they will eliminate the drain and increase the ones that energize us but in order for them to manage us better. With knowledge of how we are wired an owner can keep us fresh and this will also keep our passion up.

For example it took my Master a long time to understand there was a big difference in what constitutes a bad shift for me at work. I work in an ER and there are bad shifts like most people’s bad shifts and bad shifts because of some bad shit that occurred with patients. It was important he understand when the latter happen that he had to ease off the pedal on doing things he may have wanted to do. I can handle routine while dealing with a bad shift but it really can have a negative effect on me if my Master indulges in things while I have yet to process.

For both dominants and submissives make sure you do your best not to get run down from regular life things: Obviously there are many times that regular life is going to get in the way or drain us of energy from stress or just energy used and there is little we can do about it. On the other hand, we can sometimes self inflict ourselves with energy wasting regular life things that will leaves us tired and wanting to turn our brains off for awhile. When either of these situations occurs it will take potential time away from doing things or restoring energy that is needed to feed the power exchange dynamic.

For example it may have been fun to go out to the bar two nights in a row or thirty-six holes of golf was better then just eighteen but all of a sudden you find yourself exhausted and not wanting to do anything but crash. That is fine but what if because of other circumstances you have not done really anything in your power exchange dynamic in a week and one or both is in real need to feed that aspect of the relationship. It is important to respect the extra energy and effort these relationships often require to keep them in the passionate desire range.

Things to be careful of when looking for your other:

The brutal truth is there are a lot of people trying to get into power exchange relationships and/or who have had a string of short-term power exchange relationships who just do not have the passion to succeed in one. Often they are drawn to a fictional end result or on demand desire but are unable to comprehend what the whole picture entails.

Generally things to look out for are people who think everything should be natural, there is an end product then little work, focused too much on the kinkier or sexual aspects and taking personal issues and baggage and using power exchange as a way to self medicate. Often they give great emphasis to the word natural. Not in terms of having a dominant or submissive personality but their natural is not wanting to lead/follow, order/oblige and do take or administer punishment or any discipline. The word natural to them is equal to I am dominant or submissive when I feel like it other then that leave me alone.

Things to think about or do to keep the passion for the life in a healthy place:

Be honest with each other: Communicate what drains you and what energizes you both the submissive and the dominant. If a zeal for something or preference has changed from the dominant, then that is fine but do not feel pressure to continue one specific aspect just because you have in the past. If something drains a submissive it is not a fault or means you are less submissive it just means it drains you. Tell your owner so they can factor this in instead of struggling to deal at times.

Dominant do not obsess over your other’s pleasure: Perhaps one of the most common mistakes dominants do with slaves. They want their slave to enjoy the kinks for their own merit, they want them to always have an orgasm during sex or they want every order to be pleasurable to their slave. Slaves are not built like normal people. We are feeders off of our owners. The last thing almost any slave wants is for their owner to do something only because the owner THINKS that is what their slave wants. To do something like this when all it does is drain energy from the owner is a very bad thing. Your slave will get the vibe and even if it is something they always love to endure they will hate it and lose energy as well.

Do not be afraid to indulge dominants: This goes with the one I just wrote. A slave number one enjoyment is seeing their dominant happy, content or getting off. If we can directly be the cause of that whether doing something or enduring something that is awesome and gives us energy so a dominant should not be afraid to partake in things that recharge their batteries. Being in a power exchange relationship means throwing away the instruction manual of when and how many times type thoughts. Another common submissive saying, “care about my overall happiness but just do not care about it in the moment”.

Do not be afraid to take a day off: There are just times when we are run down or do not have it in us to be on a high dominant or submissive level that we are use to being. Nothing wrong with that and to communicate to your other the situation so the other can adjust expectations for that day. Does not mean abandon the dynamic, forget about rituals and rules or other of the day to day things but does mean not to ask for your owner to make decisions or be more proactive. It means maybe no heavy stuff and making sure the slave has some me time for the dominant when the slave is feeling this.

Now obviously if there is a string of days or this happens frequently then there is a bigger problem but sometimes it is just best to see or hear our other needs a mental day off.

We need to be honest when in a total power exchange relationship it requires additional work and effort then that of a regular relationship. This requires a passion in order to be committed to the dynamic and keep it consistent. For many of us who have that passion in us this does not mean it will never disappear. Think of passion like a battery there are things that will drain it and things that can recharge it. We need to remember the big picture and not let the details cloud it up.

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