Natural vs Object

The not so fine line between these two wrong ways 

When we seek our other for a Master/slave relationship often these two concepts collide and can doom the most promising of starts. On the one hand we have the human tendency to try to satisfy needs and strong desires that we will often rush or push others into situations to get them satisfied. The potential dangerous result being that we can objectify the other person in the equation. On the other hand we as humans also tend to not want to make a conscious effort in often the things that mean the most to us. We often then rely on letting things unfold in a “natural” way. But this is really more code for what we really do and that is be passive and react hoping things work the way we want them to in the end. 

The best example I can use is sex and how people go about deciding when to have it in a relationship. Some people want it as soon as possible to satisfy their sexual desires while other people like to wait until they have very genuine feelings for the person they are seeing. The fact is there is no right or wrong answer to which is the best way. The sex before feelings can be an objectifying experience for example one might feel do they like me for who I am or that I am giving them orgasms. The other way is to spend a great deal of time with someone that our time and emotional investment is so great that between the pressure to then make sex work for both or to find out that the two people together are not sexually very compatible and a bad breakup is inevitable. 

The reality from my eyes is most human beings never give any of this any serious thought or effort. That most human beings let their personality, past experiences and the personal issues that result from those two things and let those things blindly go about how they seek out relationships and try to live them. This is where you get the age old issue that is a huge problem in power exchange dynamic relationships and we get the “this is what I want” that then gets worked back into “this is how it should be/will be”. Far too often we do not want to work for what we truly desire and want in our power exchange relationship but at the same time we do not want a relationship that is false and blows up because we objectified the other and the roles we played at more then felt. 

In the next two sections I am going to point out to me the issues when we have defaulted too much to one of these things that can create a big problem when striving for a power exchange relationship in a long term and loving one. 

“Human beings default to vanilla” 

In probably the past five years this quote that I read on a message board, and I apologize for not remembering where or who, was the shortest pure truths I have ever read about people and power exchange relationships. 

The word natural that gets tossed around when discussing this life is 99% of the time used as a code word for two things. 

1) Cool Factor Disease – as a person thinking they are a better slave then others the more they proclaim themselves to be more natural at their core then others they see and hear call themselves slaves. 

2) A term used to run away from personal responsibility in these types of relationships. You will often see many people claiming themselves a master or a slave in a significant power exchange relationship then literally at the same time sprint away from what we discuss in specifics about this life. Things brought up like control, obedience, rules, rituals, punishment, active leadership and others many when faced with the specifics of these will use the phrase “I am a natural dominant/submissive” and therefore do not need to do these things. 

But the truth is we are not natural anything when M/s is our dynamic. Yes we have to have personalities and be drawn to this life in a natural strong way but that only gets us to the door. We in the end to default to vanilla and the vanilla in us acts in a way that makes our preferences and wishes to be whatever is the easiest and most convenient for us. We as human beings do this everyday. We judge our wishes and preferences as right or better and anything that is different or goes against ours as wrong or worse. For example, we pass a car on the highway that car is going too slow but another car passes us that car is going too fast. 

Trying to let the power exchange dynamic in a new relationship develop in a natural way by time and feelings is doomed for failure if that is all that is going to happen as we humans default to vanilla. All this is going to do is make each person just be themselves and expect the other person in their relationship to turn into their perfect vision of a master or slave. This will never happen and bitterness and frustration will slowly build and erode a once promising relationship. 

Objectify to the point of not knowing 

When we rush into power exchange and/or doing kinky things we often do this because our strong desires for these things have built up after too much time without and instead of learning about each other and walking down the path together we sprint without thought to the other. The end we end up objectifying the other person or feel objectified by the other and many times both and then everything is so artificial the relationship has nowhere to go but to collapse. 

We as human beings are born natural role players. But also for all of us playing roles drains us of energy that will eventually burn us out. We see this and often do this all the time when we first start seeing someone and like them that we will present a fairytale version of ourselves that is not really the actual version. A slob home will be cleaner when the other visits then normal. The meals fixed will be better and made with pretend joy of cooking for many. But over time the act cannot be kept up and we revert to how we are. The person comes over to a pig sty and the meals cooked become few and far between with no joy to do so communicated. 

The problem in doing this with power exchange is that we objectify the other person to become an act or expect them to be an act and fail to work with them how they are and what they need to be the role we both desire them to be. The dominant who after a few dates hands over a slave contract in essence is asking the other to take on a role. A submissive wanting to be bossed around after the same amount of time is asking a dominant to take on a role. Out of desire one or both eagerly accept the situation and then we have one or two people playing roles that drain them of energy as opposed to being themselves in power exchange roles that fit and feed them energy. Then one or both eventually stop playing the role and the other is left wondering what happen or blame the other as being a poser. 

This objectifying tends to hurt power exchange relationships when one or both jump into the kinky sex aspects and ignore the power exchange connections to these acts. People end up getting their sexual needs taken care of but now have come to associate kinky sex as always mutual fun. When often many of the kinky things done in master/slave relationships are strong physical manifestations of power being exchange critical of keeping the mindset and atmosphere of the relationship a power based one. That rushing too fast into kink and too specifically just for pleasure we have not only objectified the other person but we have objectified the acts themselves that will potentially damage the journey toward a power dynamic. 

Middle ground and accepting we will need to get out of our comfort zone 

The fact is somewhere between the extreme of just natural or too fast we objectify the person, acts or the dynamic is the key to building the foundation to a great and healthy master/slave relationship dynamic. We have to accept just being ourselves and expecting the other to rise up to our fantasy version of the other role is a ludicrous idea. We have to accept that feelings for another does not make us change into a role. We have to accept playing a role will not transform us into being happy playing that role permanently.   

The reality is that either role master or slave means working at times in an unnatural way specifically on our role in the relationship. This does mean for a slave things will be done we will not enjoy or want to do often on a daily basis but still the overall life of a slave makes us happier then if we are in a regular relationship. It means as a dominant that being actively assertive and in charge comes with making decisions and leading when you are not feeling like it or do not see the point. The more you wan the other to be less vanilla like the more we must accept that we cannot act in a vanilla way ourselves. 

The reality means that rushing to the fun things can make us role players that burn out one or both. That working hard with mutual effort to have our fantasy version of the other takes time, constant communication and working outside are comfort zone of us defaulting to vanilla all the while expecting the other to not be vanilla. In a long term power exchange relationship we cannot just turn on the dynamic no matter how much time together and feelings developed between us and think the danger of role play burnout has been minimalized. 

The dynamic takes work and commitment from the start and each and everyday we live it. It has to be within us but we also need to make sure we feed the other what they need so they can feed us in return. We need to make sure we do not role play out of wishing for what we want or from our feelings we have developed for our other and we need to keep our eyes open that our other is not role playing as well. 

People succeed in things in life because they are motivated, focused and willing to put in the work to do so and this includes people in relationships.

Fear of Subjugation

In the end the title of this entry is the base of every happy and loving Master/slave relationship. But for many of us who this wonderful relationship dynamic is the best fit for us and one we dream about to outright crave. But the fear of actually having the actions of such control, domination and enslavement or be enslaved for both roles is often our own personal thrown up road block that prevents us from having what we seem to desire so much.

Being paralyzed by either the fear of living a relationship dynamic so different then the ones we more commonly see or the fear of ignoring or being judged by traditional society values weighs so many down not only in being able to take the leap but being able to find the person to take the leap with. Now closing in on fifteen years in being involved in the life and most of that time living as a slave I have found this to be a cruel ironic fate that plagues the dynamic I am so fond and zealot about.

The fog of the fine line

My path in this life was one that slave does fit the best for me and always has. I am all about being in a severe power exchange relationship that is strongly sexual with kinky things. I doubt that would ever change. But what interests me when I seek out to reflect about my interests and learn more about myself and this type of dynamic has. I have ventured more and more away from the places where M/s is discussed and kinky things mentioned and I find myself more and more getting those needs met by going to places where taken in hand is openly discussed. Now again I am not meant for taken in hand nor do I like some of the rationale that some of the people into this dynamic use. But what draws me to spend more time reading about those relationships as opposed to Master/slave relationships how most embrace the subjugation of the woman that is getting more and more difficult to find in the BDSM/power exchange community.

I have always thought that it was some cruel joke how the people who embrace taken in hand and those who embrace Master/salve go about their mindset and hurdling their barrier to live the actual dynamic. In my opinion here are how the two groups go about communicating and stressing in their dynamic:

Taken in Hand – Most taken in hand people who openly discuss the life have little trouble with the concept of the man controlling his woman in an actual real and severe way. The word domination is rarely mentioned but the man controls the world in which the woman lives and he is the center of that world. It is rare to find a woman discussing her relationship or desire to be in one running away from being controlled and dominated but more often then not openly expressing their love for their man that does this to them or wanting to find such a man.

But at the same time they ignore, in denial or run away that in this world the female’s sexuality and openness to be their man’s personal sex dream of femininity and devotion to give him his perfect sex life is a big part of the relationship. They run away from how the punishment dynamic aspects and maintenance spankings are way more similar to kinky things and the turn on of the physical manifestation of the power (leadership) the man has over his woman.

Master/slave – Most in this life at the drop of the hat will talk about all the kinky things and sex stuff. In fact sometimes with passionate and veteran local community people you can get the impression that this life is just scenes. But most sprint from anything that power exchange of any significance outside of broad generic descriptions.

We as a group tend to hide from the control and domination that is there in actual Master/slave relationships. Sure we here the generic a slave “obeys” and “puts their masters desires above her own” but anything deeper is rarely talked about in any realistic or in depth fashion. Instead we get fantasy fiction of a slave of twenty years being giddy about doing laundry and every order and action is practically orgasmic. Men run from talking about the enjoyment and desires to control and dominate a woman they care for and replace it by trying to steal good qualities most strive for and all think they have and act like they are special and that is what a dominant is. Dominants instead of showing themselves as actual leaders with visions and passion for such a controlling dynamic instead act like they are life coaches and used car salesman promoting that heaven has been the destiny of all women that they have touched.

Rock and a hard place

To me this is where way too much of the public communication of M/s has ended up. We have two wrongs discussed in black and white and neither represents the reality of a Master/slave total power exchange relationship and the happiness and pleasure for those drawn to one feel. We have the devil promotion of look out for all the dangerous abusers and the mentally insane or not dealing with their issues that quote the definition of a slave out of a book or think a woman in the modern world can be really treated like chattel as the rock. Then as the hard space we have the men that describe a life of sheer perfection where the master knows all and everything he does is a benefit of his slave and slaves acting like they have never not done anything order by or done by their owner that was not a sheer joy to do.

But all of this is not reality in terms of day to day life. More importantly to this entry it is does not communicate anything that inspires and draws people into the life and for which I mean people already drawn to the life but for some reason not able to hurdle their own fears and try to go for a real Master/slave relationship. The communication of this life from the Internet, the learning of how to attract a top/bottom to do a scene in the local communities that is promoted as how “real” people in the life should do and be like and the fear mongers trying to scare everyone out there, we have made this life so uninspiring that it might have made it far more difficult to inspire someone to make the leap.

It is in a lot of my blog entries and is quite common in all forms of communication even the romantic fictional stuff but:

Dominant is a leader and leaders lead. Submissive is a follower who follows one they cherish and are inspired to.

But the communication of this life you can be hard pressed to feel many dominants as true leaders. Most come off as boring clichéd addicted and uninspiring beggars wanting a slave. Women who do have deep desires and a slave life would be so great seem so scared of actually admitting they are a follower and desire enslavement that it is tough to tell if they are trying to fool themselves or others.

This is at what the heart of my message in this blog. People drawn to Master/slave severe power relationships are actually drawn to actual subjugation which is actual things like control/being controlled, dominated/dominating and being enslaved by or lover/enslaving their lover. But between regular society pounding it into our heads that this is wrong and the local community addicts telling everyone this life should be just like negotiating with an acquaintance at a local dungeon to do a scene too many run away from communicating what attracts/draws us to wanting an M/s relationship in the first place. It is the far too common societal passive aggressive self inflicted mortal wound that prevents too many from the leap to find their other and live in an M/s dynamic relationship. The failure to leap is a problem with both roles and genders and not just one.

Taken in Hand shows not all are afraid of this type of communication

I do not agree with a lot of their justifications and they have plenty that communicate self esteem issues just like people in this life. But many are not afraid to embrace and talk on topics that may be sometimes light on powerful words like control and dominate but the communication is often way more direct and powerful in actual support of those words. But far too often people in the M/s life run away from those words. Control gets shot down by people sprinting toward not wanting “micromanagement”. Domination gets shot down by not wanting or being a doormat. Reality mixed with what inspires us to want an M/s dynamic relationship gets shout down by romantic dribble that this life can be a true fairytale experience.

Making the leap often will mean for many if the possibility of getting what they ache for out feels their fear of the unknown and societal judgment

The man who can come off as sane but dominant and has a vision for what they want in their life that is inspirational to a woman whose best destiny is living life as a slave can make a woman to take that leap. But unfortunately too many men choose to display their peacock feathers in ways that are simply uninspiring and often quite submissive in their communication. While adapting local community public protocol as “the way” or running away from words like control, domination and other strong vision inducing words they become quite submissive in their words and actions. The unfortunate byproduct of these dances is not to draw a woman to leap like they want but just the opposite and to repel them from leaping as the possibility of getting what they ache for seems like a long shot.

The woman that can come off as sane but deeply submissive and is not afraid of communication that can show this to prospective dominant can get exposed to far more dominants that will inspire them. Dominants are not super human or perfect human beings. They do not like being rejected or labeled a bad thing like anyone else. If they feel fear in expressing their true desires or think that is not the way to lure a woman then they will not do so and a woman will not get the rewards.

We can choose to dance in an honest and direct way or we can choose to dance in fear and misdirection. Those who choose the path of honest and direct from both genders are far more likely to find their special someone and live the dynamic they have probably dreamed about for a long time.

People that were meant for being a master or a slave in a severe power exchange relationship do not run away from words such as control, power, domination and enslavement but are drawn to and inspired to have them in their life.