April 28, 2008

Get Over Yourself

I was on a message board this morning and a post gave me pause as the original poster although claiming experience but woefully ignorant of basic couple life and many posters who once again took a topic and made it about how cool they are.

Basically the topic was two proposed questions to submissives. 1) How can one deal or get over if your dominant is disappointed in you? 2) How does a submissive deal with the times we get upset with our owners for something and/or communicate it with them while still being and feeling we are property?

Now of course there are many healthy and respectful ways to do these things but the point of this post is to address the thought or myth that somehow 1) All screw ups are or should be devastating to a slave and 2) being a slave and a healthy human being proactive in our relationship do not contradict each other. I have written about this area in my Perspective post and in parts of other but thought this is something worth its own post.

Difference between a healthy and unhealthy relationship

The answers to these questions are actually simple. For those of us in healthy relationships with both people being fairly mentally healthy is the fact we are being ourselves, do not base our relationship feelings on the last emotion and words our other has or we have and do not question our other’s devotion day in and day out.

For those in an unhealthy relationship or have unhealthy personal issues then you will see words and actions that can be almost viewed as life and death drama within their relationship.

Get over yourself dominant


For the dominants who use emotional blackmail or find themselves often questioning, often in passive aggressive manner, your slaves obedience and devotion when they do something not of your liking the issue becomes about you not them. Slaves are human they will screw up and/or do or fail to do things. As a dominant you must be able to separate the human who will not be perfect and the slave who screws up for reasons within the dynamic or their ability to serve in that way toward you.

In terms of having issues with a slave pointing out one’s possible mistakes, short comings and asking questions you feel are judgment based, if you think this is a poor slave act no matter how the slave approaches you then you could very well have self esteem issues.

Get over yourself slave

We are going to feel bad when we do something our owner thinks was wrong or causes them undue burden. But there is a big difference in thinking about what we did or did not do, take our punishment if that is in our dynamic and learning to TRY not to do it again then needing to destroy ourselves and let the whole thing become about us.

When we beat ourselves up so much to where we need our owner to calm us and make us FEEL positive they have forgiven us then it ceases to become about the issue and becomes about us and our self esteem. If we did something that was our fault that needs to be the focus of our thoughts and not turning it into making our owner feels guilty and burden them by how we handle it.

Emotional Blackmail

When it comes to these types of thoughts in the end it is good or bad depending on the intent. To use emotional blackmail by guilting your other into a desired action or emotional place is just going to blow up in our face at some point. There is a difference between pointing out and discussing a screw up with your slave and using emotional wording because you either like to see them squirm or you have taken a screw up by your slave and turned it into an indictment on your personal perfection as a dominant. There is a difference in beating oneself up over a screw up if you are a slave and beating oneself up in such a manner in order to control the situation and get what you want out of your owner.

There are two levels of beating one self up. There is the unavoidable one when we just get pissed at ourselves and hopefully for most of us we can manage that one. Then there is the beat ourselves up that I described in the above paragraph. Both the owner and slave need to recognize and deal with which one it is.

We do not role play in healthy relationships

I am not perfect let alone the perfect slave. My Master is not perfect let alone a mistake free master. I am a human being who identifies as a slave and live an extreme power exchange dynamic. I will screw up and will beat myself up on some things and others not at all. I will speak my mind but in a respectful way when I do not like something my Master did or said whether about our dynamic, life or our relationship in general. This speaking up can be done in a respectful way and has zero reflection on my love, obedience and devotion to my Master or the agreed upon dynamic.

My Master does not need to use emotions as conditional in order to control me. He never makes me feel he does not love, care and is devoted to me and our dynamic to me when any screw up he thinks I may have done happens but deals with the screw up and moves on. My Master knows he is not perfect and would never expect me to try to make him feel he is perfect by never speaking up or pointing out things that would cause him reflection.

One must be who they are and the dynamic is a way to live and not a way to change or hide another person’s personality and brain.

April 26, 2008

The Words We Hate

Master: “What do you want?”
Slave: “Whatever you want.”

These two phrases or anything similar for most if not all dominants and submissives to be the least favorite phrases to be uttered in all of human language and in the perfect world would never be uttered ever. But the fact is both the question and answer are founded in truth for many as a loving couple let alone combined with a power exchange dynamic these thoughts will be in our head.

Why does a dominant bother to ask this question in the first place?

Because all dominants are clearly morons! Wait a second… that cannot be right. The reason why they ask this is because they actually want to know!

Great dominants are great people and they are concerned about making sure their other is happy. Is that not a key part of love? They are also not mind readers and combined with hopefully the elimination of passive aggressive words, actions and body language from the slave with the dynamic they can be left with minimal indicators on what we are thinking or our preference/desire for the thing they actually will spring this question on us.

A dominant asking this question probably generally wants to see their slave have something they want specifically or at least wanting to seriously consider it.

Why do most slaves answer the question the exact same way each time?

BECAUSE THAT IS THE FUCKING TRUTHFUL ANSWER!

We have submissive personalities. This simply means ANYTHING that involves our owner in some way means the top thing with nothing a close second is doing what will be pleasant to them and not cause them any undue burden. For example, I may be craving a good pounding of my pussy but if I know or my Master tells me he really wants a blow job then that desire of intercourse ceases to matter in the moment. In fact, if I even think he is only doing something because he thinks I want him to, regardless if it is true or not, will make that act unpleasant for me.

We get that when the question is posed to us by our owner they do not want the “whatever you want” answer back. But we are also not suppose to lie and dominants need to understand that when wanting a person who puts their other’s needs and pleasures ahead of their own comes with this mindset.

Where to avoid using these phrases:

For dominants:

1) Never regarding sex, discipline/punishment or any of the kinks. Anything done to me in the moment will become an icky feeling if I think it is being done only because. For example, I love oral done on me as much as the next person but it is never enjoyable if I think the person doing it to me is down there for any other reason then enjoying it or wanting to hear and see me react sexually.

2) When you have already expressed an opinion on what you want. This is pretty self explanatory because if a slave says something different and that is your choice our doubt will make it not what we wanted anyway.

3) As a training tool. There are some idiots new to a power exchange dynamic that will just love hearing the “whatever you want” when starting out as it is so different to hear that without strings then often in regular relationships. But that will wear off and you will inevitably actually want to know a different answer so do not encourage that answer as some automatic reply.

4) Being lazy. Very simple, an owner needs to be as proactive as they can. To use a question as a lazy crutch instead of making an effort to be in tune with your slave’s feelings, emotions and needs is a recipe for disaster because it turns into topping from the bottom.

For submissives:

1) When they clearly have communicated they want a different answer then the standard one. Self explanatory and sometimes we just have to go to our second want and leave it up to them how they treat that information.

2) As a cop out. Your owner should make it clear they want a different type of answer. It is one thing to use “whatever you want” as truthful it is another to keep using it to avoid the truth if you do in fact have a strong preference or opinion. Give the information to your owner and let them handle it. If they handle it in a manner that is not comfortable to you then that is something to talk about.

3) When discussing significant things. Fairly self explanatory as certainly anything big like major purchases, finances and general dynamics of the relationship is not the time to not have a personal opinion or desire that is strong enough to at least be close to the normal answer. There are also still other things that require a different answer even though a slave may not feel like communicating it. Discussing vacation plans that might cost serious money for example, as “Do you want to go here?” by the owner. The owner is just like other people and is going to know if your heart is in the right place or not eventually. If they pick someplace that will just suck for you no such feeling of I will just then be there for my owner will make it all ok. The owner will get the vibe and probably get mad or ruin the experience for them.

Ways to go about avoiding the hated question or answer

The fact is it is vital in a good relationship that a owner is going to want honest reactions, opinions and preferences in various things. While in some or many of these things the truthful answer is “whatever my owner wants”, that what the owner wants is constructive feedback.

Here are just a few things to think about when communicating with a slave in order to get the feedback an owner wants when the common answer is unacceptable even if it is the truth.

1) Watch the tone! Slaves will pick up on the littlest tone and use that as our guide. If an owner’s tone conveys “I am just asking because I think you would not like what I am thinking” might get a completely different answer then a tone of “I really have no opinion and really want some input from you”.

2) Limit the potential answer in the question. Instead of going “where do you feel like going out to eat” an owner can go “Where do you feel like going to eat between a or b and your answer can only be a or b”.

3) Potential punishment. To go along with #2 if the slave still tries for not an a or b answer then that is being disobedient and subject to a punishment.

4) Avoid as much as possible question to immediate decision. Keeping the where to eat example a better time to ask them a question would be hours before you inform them where you have decided to go.

5) Along with #4 change how you go about asking the question. Maybe hours before start a quick casual conversation about what each is craving and take that response as what they probably would choose for dinner.

6) When possible do something to get a read from their reactions. This is not good for all things, say picking a place to eat but can be good in certain things and done in a certain way. For example, which hole the Master is going to use to get his sexual relief. If the Master wants to know if the slave has a preference do not ask straight out but maybe tease her with the options and see which gets the biggest reaction from her.

This dreaded question and answer is always going to come up. But there are ways and a conscious effort to try to avoid using them from both sides. Understanding and accepting the motives of each and not to rely using them as a crutch or a cop out is important in order to not breed problems.

April 25, 2008

Common mistakes starting out

Below are some of the most common mistakes I see people make when they start going from thinking about a power exchange relationship into trying to get into one and this can be either an regular couple changing or finding your dominant or submissive.

No particular order of frequency or importance outside of #1 and #2 which are the most common in my opinion.

1) Ill thought out plans.

Too often I see new submissives that have no concept of what type of power dynamic and kinky desires or ability to handle things of that nature that are looking to find themselves but at the same time only looking or willing to do anything submissive with a person they think might be Mister or Misses forever.

Power dynamic is not just an optional dessert to most people that are searching for anything more then top/bottom play and even to many who it is all top/bottom play. Often the I love and care for the person so we will find mutual ground in the power exchange dynamic is thrown out but that is not an honest or accurate thought. Often what happens is after the people fall for each other one or both start role playing their part to fit the other’s desire in this area but that can only go on for so long before they get weighed down by this and revert back to their normal selves.

You will see this a lot when you talk or read about people who had someone but the other lost interest or stopped playing with me and things of that nature.

2) Dominants are not one size fits all.

In the excitement or desperation of having someone in some type of power exchange dynamic a dominant will often pursue anyone who might be interested in them. This of course is doomed because how we are and need in a power exchange dynamic is a major compatibility issue and like number one not just assumed two people who get along in other things will fit in a power dynamic part.

As a dominant you have interests, desires and are wired how you are. A slave like me who is into being dominated without concern or brings pleasure from my lack of pleasure in suffering for my Master will never fit a sensual sadist who will only do impact play if the other enjoys it for example. Or if you are wanting a more natural relationship without any rules, rituals, punishments and disciplines you are going to look for a submissive that appeals to and not because the other needs them do it for them because as I wrote in #1 that never works.

3) Not continually discussing the power exchange dynamic you want, think you are about and the reasons why with your potential other.


It is unfortunate but a truth that for a solid percentage of people what they think they are and want in theory is not what they really are about and capable of doing. But whether it was lost in the fantasy, wishful thinking or communicating to another only what they think the other wants to hear then once they are with the person whether any power is exchanged or any kinky play the person demonstrates whether in words or actions that they are not remotely going to be or want what they originally communicated.

This is the one I personally experienced in my two pursuits of being owned. People would clearly communicate originally they were this and wanted that but then whenever the topic was discussed multiple times in a live setting it would become very clear that none of that was ever really a possibility with them.

The danger of course in not to continue talking about the dynamic is because as two people become closer whether any thing of this type is being done the two people should be finding out they are on the same page and drawn to the other in this way. Exchanging some Emails and phones calls at the very beginning and then only discussing regular couple stuff is a recipe for making sure both of you are not on the same page.

Take a normal example like a person saying they want children. But then being with them awhile you hear many comments that would not be the case at all. Same with power exchange aspects can happen so do not assume what they say originally is the absolute truth even if they are honest and sincere in your dealing with them.

4) Focus too much on the kinky and power exchange dynamic.

Basically the opposite of #3 and pretty much self explanatory to most but I will throw this aspect of it that is not so obvious.

Often if all the focus is on this aspect in developing the relationship that there is a much higher risk of falling into the delusion that somehow power exchange relationships are drastically different then regular relationships in most things and that people are different as well. They are of course not, but what does happen is everything can become blamed or thought through the relationship dynamic when often it is just something between the two people.

5) Lose focus too easily.

I have seen this in two areas. One is where the two people are apart by some distance that a bulk of their communication is done with phone, IM and Email. They then often try to have some sort of power exchange dynamic through this communication. The problem is real communication and heading for an actual real time relationship can take a back seat to this type of play and/or grand judgments on each other’s behavior in this particular dynamic can be very bias toward what either or both are like in a real time live relationship.

The other area is I saw was my time in local communities that a new person coming in to learn about themselves and hopefully finds their other will lose their bearings. So instead of taking what you see and learn from the people of the local community and actively searching out another it quickly becomes about hanging out with friends and adopting their views which may or may not work for them personally. In all honesty in the three local communities I had the pleasure to be active in there were always group(s) of people that seem to form an unofficial mutually assured failure group. What I mean in that is like some cool clique from high school who just knows everything but no one had seen any of them do anything. In these groups are all perpetually single people who knew everything about everything in the power exchange and top/bottom life but none ever dates anyone as all the other gender and role were all conveniently deemed losers. They made the life their whole social life but had forgotten they were originally there to find a personal life.

6) Failure to comprehend the other person you are interested in is a human being like you.

There are two polarizations that often can muck up the possible meeting of the middle to form a great relationship. On the one hand you have often a female submissive moving very slowly and very cautiously out of anxiety for the potential pitfalls. Then you have the male dominants who trying to be all dominant like and men behaving like they do often pushing for things before a woman are ready.

The problem is both these groups tend to unfortunately become so tunnel vision on themselves that they lose track that they are dealing with another person. So even some of the nicest and coolest male dominants can end up looking like jerks when they jump into a transactional mode of “if I do this then you will”, putting the head before the heart and not accepting they move a two different speeds and making idiotic demands that sound dominant but turn out are great reasons to get dumped. Then there are perfectly sincere and serious submissive women that move so slowly that defy any sort of time limit they would impose on any other type of relationship and/or dynamic that they frustrate the dominant into making stupid demands or get dumped by ones who grow weary.

These are relationships just like any other but just with a different dynamic. Being greatly looser or conservative by how the relationship develops or thinking trust is earned differently based solely on the dynamic is power exchange is often a recipe for not being in tune or respectful of the other.

April 23, 2008

The Doormat Issue

The phrases “I am not a doormat” or “I do not want a doormat” in this life has become so casually tossed out that they really are useless when people mention the word, doormat.


Unfortunately between role and gender miscommunication and people using the phrase as an ultimate vague qualifier have caused quite a bit of confusion. Submissives that use the phrase to run from any actual power exchange but just want to be submissive when and how they feel like it and dominants that use the phrase whenever they communicate something severe and want to calm a submissive’s nerves.

There is though in important compatibility issues that get lost because this term is so popular to toss out that often confuses people when they are in the beginning stages of a relationship.

What is a dominant getting at when they talk about not wanting a doormat?

Most are simply stating they do not want a black hole for a submissive. They want 24/7 of an obedient slave but they want the person along with that. They want someone who can carry in interesting conversation with, have reactions and opinions to things whether good or bad/in agreement or not and have some degree of self sufficiency and can be proactive in various areas.

What they are not wanting is basically a helpless robot requiring non stop orders and attention. What they are not wanting is to only hear “What do you want me to do?” or “How can I please you?” come out of their slave’s mouth.

What is a submissive getting at when they talk about not being a doormat?

Most are simply stating that along with obedience and identifying oneself as a slave comes a person. They need their other to treat them like a person and not as an object or purely a piece of property. That as a human being that comes with multiple needs and wants, a personality, brain and emotions and that the dominant a slave submits to has the power in the relationship but that does not eliminate caring and making sure the slave does have their needs and strong desires met.

What they are not wanting is an owner who thinks a slave is 24/7 only about pleasing their owner and an owner who does not think the person matters or is not “slave like” for it to cause the owner thought and effort.

Slaves do require doormat qualities

Everyone hates to admit this but being a slave in a total power exchange relationship requires elements that can be construed to being a doormat.

As a slave we are required to be able to be obedient at all times and the simple fact of the manner this life requires us to do things we would not do just on our own and when to do them on another’s time frame. This does in fact require for us often to put our other needs, wants and desires temporarily on the back burner while we attend to our number one need and commitment to the dynamic and that is caring for and being obedient to our owner.

So this can mean fixing a meal they ask that we do not feel like making or eating. It means putting out sometimes when we have zero desire or energy to do so. Calling yourself a slave and agreeing to a severe power exchange dynamic means agreeing to do things the other wants not doing things you want to do for them when you want to do them.

Sorry dominants but slaves are people

This dynamic is consensual slavery with a human being. This requires that an owner be proactive in making sure your slave is getting their needs and strong desires met and this will include sacrifice on your part both in time and energy.

This will require you to do things that show you love them and sacrifice time and energy when the slave has things that all human beings have to interfere with your preferred way of life. This will mean having to attend parties and weddings you would prefer not to. It will require recognizing your slave is tired or not in a good frame of mind to do something you would like them to do and sometimes not then making them do it.

This dynamic is not some drawn out role play

To me when I see the doormat issue come out in a power exchange relationship is because the people involved are not being themselves but are being actors in their idealized view of how they want to be and what they think the Master/slave dynamic is “suppose” to be about.

Whether just misdirected intention or a severe symptom of some unhealthy mental issues the role players will inevitably return to who they truly are and often the power exchange dynamic along with the relationship will come crashing down. A slave cannot be a 24/7 empty vessel awaiting direct orders on what to do. An owner does not become all knowing and wise by calling themselves a Master and for owning someone willing to call them that.

If the people in the relationship are not real and acting real the relationship is doomed.

The doormat issue is not a power exchange issue but a compatibility issue

In the end when people harp in the area that the doormat phrases get tossed out they are really not communicating about what power exchange dynamic they are wanting but are talking about what type of person they are wanting for their other.

Any power exchange dynamic regardless of the level is based on commitment to the agreed upon dynamic and for the dominant and submissive to be strictly faithful to the dynamic agreed upon. Power exchange is a relationship dynamic and not a personality or general human being changer.

If you are a dominant the slave is not a poor slave because they speak their mind on issues or will question something you will say. A slave can still be totally committed and perfectly obedient and still have their own mind. A slave a Master can demand respect and proper attitude when communicating with them but this does not mean you are limited in anyway from getting information and your opinion to them expressed.

An owner is not doing something wrong from the power exchange dynamic if they never concern themselves with what their slave might like in things like places to eat, movies to see and things of that nature. They are just a crappy significant other. A slave is not poor at being a slave if they only do things directly ordered that please or carry out orders with poor attitude. They just might be selfish and not into their other.

Conclusion

In the end we will only end up being who we are and nothing more. The dynamic cannot change that. For those of us who thrive in a power exchange dynamic it means that this particular dynamic gives us the greater chance of being happy and to flourish as ourselves.

When looking at our other we have to accept them for who they are and not to confuse power exchange concepts with compatibility such as personalities and what works and what does not work with those personalities inside the power exchange dynamic.

April 21, 2008

Getting Started

Where or how do I go about getting into this way of life?

This question is asked all the time with people from both roles and genders that have been drawn to read up and create a profile but not sure how to get active. Almost all the answers when this question is posed on a message board is to become active in your local community or read up as much on it as you can.

I feel those are too quaint and are like handing a paint brush, paint and canvas to a person who asks how to be a painter. So with my ability to be long winded and show off a know it all attitude I will dive more in depth here.

Get to know yourself

This is it. This is what will separate a good chance at success from certain failure ranging from short term to long term. There are many things that are needed to know one in order to truly get to the place you want to go in some sort of power exchange relationship. Here are the things that often are not well thought out or more importantly we have thought about ourselves.

What are you meant to be power exchange wise?

Congratulations something has called to you to want to get into this way of life. I say the more the merrier personally and do not think it cheapens me in any way to have more people in the life. But this life is actually a huge tent and not one size fits all. What you are about within this life is critical in knowing.

Now I am not saying you will need to pinpoint yourself down to exactly what you are about or wanting but you should have a pretty good idea of what you think you are and wanting if you having giving it some serious reflection. To me there are three areas that depending on how you are drawn to them or if you are drawn to them that can go a long way to finding what you want to pursue.

1) Control – You should have some strong idea if either giving up control or controlling another person appeals to you and how much. It is either going to appeal to you specifically to give up control or take control of certain or many things especially decisions that involve the other in our life. For a submissive does it appeal to you to have a person tell you where we are going to go eat and would rather go someplace we hate then go someplace where we love but know our other would just prefer not to go. As a dominant can you make decisions easily without much input or factoring too much where the decision is based on what you think the other would like.

Many people often think of control in terms of in the moment examples of thought about power exchange situations but the truth is without one day of experience you should have some idea if you are a person who needs to give control or wants to take control of a situation WITH a person you care for. This is not just about the other person being happy with what you have done but wanting to know you are doing what they want you to do.

Obviously the more control you want to give over or have over someone the more severe power exchange relationship you are looking for and vice versa.

2) dominations/submission – On some level do you enjoy one or both of these aspects.

Domination and submission are two very different things. So a person must understand if they are into one or both. Domination is about forcing or being forced in some way doing something that you or your other may not have done if it was totally up to them. It is an active thing a dominant can bring to a power exchange relationship.

Submission is about enjoying or seeing your other enjoy doing things for the dominant. This is more of the day to day obedience type aspects of a power exchange life. It is about things rarely talked about once set up but is just done in the relationship. Yes, we submit to being dominated but submission is a much larger part of the day to day life.

3) Motivation for the kinky things – Why have some of these things turned you on?

This should be rather clear if you think about it. Does the pure physical nature of the kink the actual draw or the intensity of doing the kink to or for the other the draw? Obviously they can be both but there should still be some clear thought on what your thought of doing those things does for you. For example for me sensory depravation is awesome because it prevents feedback to my Master so I know he is doing things to me solely for his enjoyment and this relaxes me greatly and gives me pleasure knowing he is having fun with my body. There are plenty of others that love sensory depravation purely from the increased intensity of how it directly feels.

Basically if all of your interest lies in what you directly get from kinky play then you are more of a top/bottom and to pursue a more significant power exchange relationship just in order to get this is foolish on your nature. Same with a person who gets more from these things by feeding off the dominants pleasure/reactions or a dominant who gets off on seeing a person helpless and suffering just out of love and devotion to you that to be paired with just a top/bottom will not be good.

Without thinking these things through often you can get into any relationship or spend too much time with other compatibility factors and find out you are not compatible. Not knowing and being upfront what you are about can only cause problems. This is where you see dominants wanting a significant power exchange complain about do me subs and submissive looking foe severe control complain about dominants who are passive wimps.

Need to know how you are in being with people

This is fairly straightforward. Generally there is going to be two types of people.

1) No problem with casual relationships. Generally a person that will does not have to be deeply in love or be with a person in general that could be our one in order to be in a relationship. If you are like this then it gives you the option to explore more directly in figuring out what type of power dynamic is best for you.

2) You can only dominate or be submissive to someone you love and think could be the one. This is self explanatory and will require you to be as sure as you can in what you seek out power exchange related. What dynamic and how severe is a compatibility factor in a relationship. Investing months in falling for someone then finding out you are not compatible in the power exchange dynamic can and has happened a lot. This is why it is critical to have some solid understanding of what you are about and not do see where this takes me adventure like attitude if you are only going to dive into it in a serious and possible long term relationship.

What is the best way to go about things FOR YOU!

Everyone will love to give you an opinion, me included, of what they think is the best way to do this or go about it but in the end the journey is a personal one.

Maybe you are an outgoing hands on learn by seeing talking and doing type then you are pretty much then going to be interested in getting active in your local community. Maybe you are shy, very private and/or not close to a vibrant local community then learning and pursuing on the Internet is the best way for you.

In my FAQ blog I wrote about these posts on the good and bad of both local communities and the Internet if you want to read more of my know it all words.

I will just expand on a few things there are no one size fits all steps in power exchange relationships. They are like any other type of relationships and you will see all types with all kinds of people. Some you will scratch your head and wonder and some you will identify with strongly. Some go running in blind others go in at a glacier pace and anywhere in between. Some can do long distance until it is time and can move others cannot handle being farther away from the other by ten miles. For some it might work to start out as just fun bottom play and progress from there and for others it is 24/7 total power exchange or bust.

Each of our paths is different in life and this includes our journey into the power exchange life. The best way is the way that works for you and not someone telling you this is how you should go about it.

April 19, 2008

Attracted to what you hate

How can a person who has no masochistic bone in their body be drawn to a sadist? How can a person claim to not enjoy watersports but crave them done to her like an addict?

If you ever want to separate out the dominants full of hot air from the very few who get, accept and enjoy how a majority of submissives who identify as slaves ask them a questions like this.

The answer is domination is the draw to this life for a slave not just a submissive personality that likes kinky things. Power is the fetish. The physical manifestations of my owner truly using me for their pleasure and amusement knowing but not caring about my immediate pleasure or even enjoying just because of my non enjoyment are the spice of the life.

The often screwed up ideology

For many in this life including many M/s relationships kinks can partly or always be about mutual enjoyment. Certainly for me when I am sexually objectified that my enjoyment in that area is partly from the direct aspect of what is happening and not just from power being exercised over me for example. But this belief as a driving force in a total power exchange dynamic is where many dominants really get themselves in trouble.

Basically this is the carrot and the stick approach. Why it is so flawed when it comes to Master/slave TPE relationships is in essence the dominant is basically basing obedience on some level as reward based and that a submissive is some sort of drug addict needing a kinky fix. Take a step back and what do you have… Topping from the bottom which is just as yucky from a slave’s point of view as a dominant’s as why would a slave enjoy a dominant going I will do a kink if you are good?

First a quick rehash of one of my major themes in this blog

Before I explain the mindset of a slave like me first a reminder I write often in this blog. A person with a submissive personality does not need the power exchange life to be happy. People with submissive personalities can live happily in the real world and spoil a regular person(s). A person who has a submissive personality and wants to live in an M/s TPE life wants to be dominated.

What is domination? Well that is the active part of the relationship where control and what is done or being order to be done is in the hands of the dominant and NOT what the submissive would do if it was up to them on their own accord. A submissive personality will cook a meal the other likes regardless of the dynamic while a dominant telling them exactly what to cook for dinner is domination for example.

A slave can make decisions for themselves, they just really enjoy getting decisions taken away from them. A slave has the ability to be happy and in control of their own life but enjoys it way more to give up control to a person who relishes in taking it. Now back to the topic of the post…

The sweet addictive dichotomy

So what is then the dynamic that can make someone like me who hates pain but simply adores then a sadist? Because it offers up some of the most intense and intimate acts of domination that I can experience.

When I am being dominated in the kink/sex area this is what is happening. I have my Master who I love and trust completely doing something to me or making me do something that I do not want to do at that moment or at all and I get no direct pleasure. It is the dichotomies of my suffering combined with seeing the person I love and serve take pleasure in the whole thing. It is the physical manifestation of my owner clearly demonstrating that they truly have not only no problem in making me suffer but can take great enjoyment in it.

So when you throw in this intimate/sexual and intense type domination acts and throw in as a submissive personality I am a feeder and to see my Master enjoying himself let alone getting off on doing this to me then you are talking about an incredible experience that just never gets old. I can go from crying intensely with not one ounce of me turned on to an intensely pure sexual animal on fire in a micro second and this feeling can last a very long time.

A dominant that understand this and is the compatible opposite is a much sought out commodity for a slave like me.

Not all dominants who want a 24/7 TPE relationship are suited for it

What I just wrote above was something I put great emphasis in my profile when I went looking for my new owner and something I write a lot on the message board I sometimes contribute to. I cannot begin to tell you how many dominants that are looking for slaves for a TPE whiff on this concept. I can also tell you I have had at more women than I could count write me after reading my profile and all writing nearly the exact same thing. They comment on this specific part of my profile and go that is just like me and are there any dominants out there that get that and can do that.

That is the problem. There are dominants out there that get it but just as there is a big difference in submissive levels of bedroom bottoms all the way to 24/7 TPE slaves there is differences in dominants. But unfortunately this is not something admitted, promoted and talked about in this life all particularly often. It is unfortunate but dominants often deem themselves one size fits all and often those wishing for a 24/7 TPE few limits slave are either not capable/do not enjoy the domination aspect of owning one or worse have no understanding of what domination is truly about.

So instead of actual domination you get the ramblings and theories that leave slaves like me with a cold feeling. You get the “I will only inflict pain if you deserve it or as a reward”. You get the “I do not like anything more then others and can supply whatever you need in the kinky areas”.

A Master to a slave is a leader and taker not an administrator and/or order taker.

For me bring on the sadist!

The owner I submit to has my love, trust and devotion to him and our dynamic and I believe he loves, cares for me and is devoted to me and our dynamic. I will be dominated in order to be happy and in a deep enough submissive level to flourish in a 24/7 total power exchange relationship.

With that base I not only need to experience the physical manifestations of being dominated I crave that dichotomy of the Master I love causing me such suffering and loving and getting off on the fact that he can do it to me. So that is why a woman like me without a masochistic bone in her body seeks out a Master who is a sadist. Because that intense domination is the drug that drives us crazy!

April 17, 2008

Serving Two Masters

A cyber friend wrote me a few days ago reminding me of the profile I had for finding my Master when I was available. I had a paragraph stating I insisted on working full time in my chosen profession and would only consider something different if I was to be legally protected by marriage and would take years not months.

Well funny how time and love changes things. When Master and I are married in August we will have known each other for two years and one plus of 24/7 TPE. This week also was the first week of me reducing the number of hours I worked which I did without too much guilt or hesitation and to the shock of everyone who knows me.

This got me thinking about a dominant on the message board I read that has used the phrase “serving two masters” to describe a submissive who works and the reason he refuses to let his slave work. His personal view is when a slave has a job then that job has quite strict demands that must be met that can come before his own and that is not acceptable. Now normally I would read a phrase like that and toss it off to a cyber theorist but since I respect this man’s words I understood IN HIS LIFE that had merit but does not mean it has merit for everyone.

But to make this a little more then a submissive who works I want to expand the serving two masters theory to reflect on the reality of a total power exchange relationship of the limitations of reality and personal preferences.

Reality of life

For most people whether a slave works or does not work has little to do with the personal preference and everything to do with the ability to pay the bills.

But besides a job there are other things that happen, whether on a day to day basis or here and there, that prevents a slave being truly there for their owner or the owner having to sacrifice control or desire by something that real life will throw at a couple.

Obviously the biggest one is children. Others, like family needs and limitations of a slave because for whatever reason they are not at their best physically or only so much time in the day types things will often put an owner in a place where what they want in the moment, let alone what they are use to, is being controlled by influences other then their own.

Preferences in life will also cause multiple masters being served


The old cause and effect of life, the be careful what you ask for and the ying and the yang of it all. We are human contradictions and often or every single time what we want and what we can have is two different things.

There is a common phrase spoken by dominants and in particular poly couples looking for a third. “I want my slave to have a complete life and have interests and friends as long as it does not interfere with her duties as a slave.” This line or it’s many variations is pure cyber theorist speak as the truth is another human being will no matter how severe the power exchange level interfere with their owner’s preferred way to live day in and day out.

My future mother in law said to me that Master and I were the perfect confused couple when discussing me working. He prefers I do not work but does not care for women who do not want to work and just live off their husband. I love to work but hate when it interferes with being there for my Master. Middle ground works best for us because neither is comfortable with one way.

That is the thing with preferences they often set up occasional mini masters that have to be respected. It is easy to want your slave to have a social network so they do not need you to be their entire source of mental stimulation or entertainment. But this will require the slave to have to do things and at times that are not best suited for their owner as friendships come with responsibilities.

Tricky thing called life

The fact is we all serve multiple masters. To think one does not is quite foolish at best and very dangerous at worse. In a power exchange relationship it is not about only serving one master but to minimalize what you can and want to that causes the small masters to creep into our day to day lives. Our Master is on top and separated by miles from all the other masters in our life and the goal in a good power exchange relationship. But this takes work and logical thoughts when planning our lives together.

It is easy for an owner to try to design a life with a slave or a slave looking to keep what they have and add to their life by being owned but often this approach will not add up. Try too hard to pound it one way and a slave might easily lose focus who their true Master is or a Master might not recognize the slave they fell for.

April 15, 2008

Perspective

Often when people who are interested in becoming a 24/7 slave either from no power exchange experience or one of lesser time or power exchanged there often can be thoughts and fears expressed that tend to take the daily life of a slave out of perspective.

The fact is regular life still dominates our day. I have family and friends to communicate and do things, a job to go to and maybe in the future of some ideal world all free time is spent on sex and kink with my Master but now there is still way more time doing what normal couples do as well. That is not to say other things done like the domestic things, how I am dress and even how we watch television together do not have their own power dynamic bent to them but even then they are always going to become habit after awhile. This is not to say boring but also not cannot wait I am so excited about it either.

Here are some things off the top of my head I often have heard or read about people who are nervous about becoming a 24/7 slave and the reality of it from my experience:

1) No we are not having sex all the time. Often people read about dress or lack of dress codes, other requirements that appear to be solely for sexual purposes and small kinky things being done on a daily basis and think everyday is wall to wall sex.

Being a 24/7 TPE relationship is very different then any other dynamic. In previous dynamics most people who engaged in specific clothes that were sexually motivated, any kink play and anything else that the first and only thought was sex was exactly that because the end result was for when these things were done was sex.

In a 24/7 TPE most of these things done are often just to create and maintain a sexual and power exchange atmosphere in the relationship. It is actually taking these things we normally do to get sex or in power exchange play moments and taking away the cause and effect direct connotation they have had but to understand that effect is now a possibility 24/7.

For example, a regular night of sitting in front of the TV with my Master I will be wearing or not wearing something that is easy for him to get to all of me. We may just watch TV, my Master may play with me sexually in a light way or he might play with me by inflicting pain lightly on me. Might do one might do a combination. Might build into something bigger and might not mount to anything but just wasting the time. The key is it is available to my Master and both of us are reminded of that fact not that just because I am dressed or situated in a specific way that something is suppose to happen.

2) I do not walk on eggshells worried about breaking a rule, screwing up a ritual or anything else that might get me punished.

I like, looked for and found a strict disciplinarian for a Master. I get consistent judgment and punishment applied to me. I am a human being I am going to make mistakes. Too many rules and rituals that cannot make you breather or relax is just not a good way to live this life in my opinion as it causes you strain and drains our passion for the life. At the same time though adhering faithfully to these rules and rituals day in and day out is important to show the commitment to the dynamic and your other and over time they simply become habit and require little thought.

Think of it this way if you or when you have worked you had a rule to show up at a certain time. Did that play with your mind or did you just deal with it with little or no thought?

3) With #2, I do not always feel like falling on my sword or my Master is always “disappointed” when I do something that causes a punishment.

This is not to say that if I do or fail to do something I do not beat myself up if I caused my Master an inconvenience or deprived him of something by my screw up. The point is not every thing that might get me punished is that big or some comment on my ability to be obedient and my devotion to my Master and the dynamic to be questioned. I am human. I will screw up.

This is one of the areas that people who practice Domestic Discipline have the perfect way of dealing with punishments. They have a procedure that takes some or all the emotion out of it and it is a penance ritual where learn, take it and move on. It is something I certainly bonded with my Master when we started seeing each other and think many M/s relationships would be wise to embrace like we do.

For example, last week I forgot to pick something up from the grocery store my Master specifically asked for. I just forgot, it happens and I took my swats on my ass how a slave should and we moved on. My Master got it was just a screw up did not over think the situation. Now if I repeatedly do the same thing then it would be a different story.

4) Just because your owner can does not mean they are going to.

This is probably the biggest fear mongering theory out there that people use as a reason why they are not ready or wanting to live in a 24/7 TPE. They take the possibility of something or some things happening and make them dominate the life or into worse case scenarios.

One of the common quotes of a slave “Care about my overall happiness but just do not care in the moment." Well common sense has to be as well thought out what a dominant is going to want. Look at it this way, we are all looking for a mentally healthy well adjusted other who cares for us. Just how stupid, dangerous or selfish of a person are you going to serve?

For example why would you be with someone who decides to forbid you from talking to any friends or family. Why would you be with them? Why would the man you love that is mentally healthy and well adjusted want that? I seriously think my Master would go running for the hills if I relied totally on him for my human interaction.

Take an extreme example; I do not have a monogamous relationship. My Master can have sex with whoever he wants and can make me have sex with whoever he wants, with a few safety restrictions. This does not mean though he goes around chasing other pussy in his spare time. I would not be with someone who does. This also means he is not going to decide to prostitute me out full time either as he know I would not accept that and why would he do that to me anyway? Just because they have the power to do something does not mean they will ever do it.

5) Always be ready for sex.

Actually I always thought everyone got this but this was a post on the message board I am on and was blown away that at least two thirds of the people took this in a way I have never heard a real person in a power exchange relationship actually describe it.

This just means for a slave to understand that they might have to put out anytime. It means maybe in the middle of folding laundry or watching a program on TV for example. It is just a simple statement that unlike what most women in relationships where they will put out they have the final say in the matter in a TPE relationship the owner has that say.

What this does not mean is what I read that this meant a slave should always be wet in the pussy, keep their assholes lubed, mouths emptied and be aroused enough that in a few thrusts be near orgasm. It also does not mean, just like my point in #4, your loving owner is not going to be considerate of you when deciding when to do something sexual. Of course they can also not be considerate sometimes and that can be a very good thing as well for some of us. ;)

Sometimes it can be too easy to take one aspect of something and blow it up failing to factor in the rest of our lives and slaves and owners in good relationships are often sane, mentally healthy, well adjusted and in love with their other.

April 13, 2008

Embracing I am a sex toy

One of the great things my journey in life with being a slave has brought me was great peace and enjoyment with my sexual desires and drive. It is one of those endless debates of people in terms of how much this is about sex. I have always found that hilarious as when dealing with power exchange it generally consumes most things about a couple and sex is a big one for most.

The answer is it is solely based on the people involved and their sex drives. People with high sex drives are going to highlight it their relationships and people with low or no sex drives are of course going to minimalize it. I was very fortunate in my journey in sex to learn early on not to be scared or confused because I just happen to have a high sex drive.

We love to muck up sex in a relationship

Now granted I tend to be way more analytical then emotional when observing human behavior, probably the byproduct of being raised by a medical doctor and a doctor of sociology for parents. Add this to my biggest pet peeves, blatant hypocrisy, my culture and having a strong submissive personality has always had my thoughts about how most people seem to make sex so complicated and drama ridden.

For example talk to any person and they will take pride and want people to know them very separately as good at their profession, being a parent, a spouse, a friend and maybe a hobby or two. All these things being allowed to be thought of separately, but then so many people, especially us women, separate them in a sexual way is not acceptable unless of course they are in the mood. The bizarre requirement of your opposite must communicate somehow magically that when thinking about you in a sexual way they are at the same time not only thinking of you that way. I have never understood this. We separate ourselves but then often hate if others do it to us. Well we are parents, spouses, friends, and our profession everyday separately and that includes being a sex object as well.

One of the draws to power exchange relationship

It the potential of a total power exchange relationship to simplify and embrace our sexuality that was a major draw for me. I compare it often to what I see in regular relationships as an opposite way to get to the core of things but in a faster less stressful way.

What I mean by this is most of us just do not want to only be a sex object or even mainly. In regular relationships this is something active in the minds of many people and they need reassuring or worse uses some concept of “normal” to feel their other is not just with them for sex. But in power exchange relationships the giving of your body to your owner for them to indulge sexually to their hearts content actually you can find out quickly if that is all they think of you as.

So to me in good relationships in any dynamic the finish line of accepting our other thinks more of us then just a sex object is the same but for me the power exchange way just is a faster and more direct approach.

Embracing our sexual being as slaves

I can only speak for myself, and in terms of a sex drive I have a very high one, but part of a good sex life and a good relationship if both people have high sex drives is coming to grips and accepting you are a sexual object and that is no better or worse then being a good spouse, friend or nurse.

If your owner has a high sex drive/sexuality you will more often then not be required to have your sexuality nearly always on or right near the surface. As a slave you will most likely be often dressed or undressed to please and tease and to have the taste of cock and cum in your mouth permanently from how often it will be used that way among just the few of the things and feelings.

This personally makes me happy. It is both a show of how my Master loves me to use me this way but enjoyable for me selfishly because I love sex and was extremely fortunate to accept and embrace my sexual being by the exposure, experiences and teachings of the people I have met along my path.

My journey of accepting I am part sex toy

I was blessed to start with a Mom who was open minded. Not to say I was not raised in a typical home because I was. Sex was not discussed actively but my Mom was proactive in discussing it and not promoting it as bad or any other negative way. From my first sexual experience I decided this sex thing was all good and I was never to answer I rather shop then fuck in some sex survey for the rest of my life.

When I was sixteen I had two major sexual events occur that shaped my path and I am not sure without them happening I would be a slave or this happy and content in my life. The first event was getting caught having sex with a girlfriend of mine to which the whole world within hours was to know. Outside of the pain of public embarrassment and hurting my family the other affect was now being out about my bisexuality to the world.

This lead to the big event and that was a woman who sexually completely objectified and dominated me. After it happen my mind kept thinking that I was suppose to hate what was done and be mad about it. But my body was on fire sexually for days afterwards and my mind could only think of the experience and thoughts of future things that could be similar that I swear I must have set some masturbation record.

After that I basically spent the next four plus years trying to live out similar situations until the greatest event to determine my future life happen and that was to meet a couple who would introduce me into the concept of total power exchange, hedonism and to become a slave as the way I was meant to live.

With them and in particular my Mistress I learned to not separate sex from other aspects of me or feel that it was wrong to want it a lot but was encouraged and trained to embrace it and that I can be and am a sex object. But all the while being shown this can live easily with all other aspects of my life. That you can be sexual and do normal things at the same time like for example, study while naked and with dildos in my ass and pussy. That a lot of sex did not distract or cause neglect in other areas if you plan it right and maybe most importantly I could be loved and thought of as a complete person while being a pleasure toy dominate the relationship aspect.

Sometimes I sometimes get emotional just thinking how lucky I was to be found by them and what I might have missed in my life.

I am proud of what I am

I am a good daughter, aunt, nurse, friend and other things. I am also proud and try my best to be a good partner and slave for my Master. Plus with all these things I am also proud that I accept and embrace that I am my Master’s fuck toy, slut, cheap whore, cum receptacle and my Master’s favorite nickname for me, holes.

April 11, 2008

Degradation Play from a Fan’s View

I want to warn anyone that this post is about degradation play that many have hard limits on or certain acts that even more have hard limits on and therefore might not be for everyone and does mark somewhat of a departure from my previous posts. I will probably use watersports as my example throughout as it is my favorite and what always pops into my head.

Degradation play often has as many if not more words against it or warnings about doing it and cool factor people pointing out the risks of many of the things done in this area without perspective. I thought I would just write a post from an unapologetic fan that not only is not harmed by this play but truly craves it.

My view of what type of play it is

I consider degradation play to be things that is an independent observer saw them being done they would clearly think that the other person truly does not care about their slave, does not remotely think of them as equal human beings and the slave is only their for the pleasure or betterment of their owner. It can be verbal or physical, direct or indirect and often goes into areas of objectification and can combine or cross over from humiliation (embarrassment) play.

Why I love it

I love this play for two reasons:

1) My true fetish is power exercised (domination) over me.

Obviously certain things that my mind has attached sexual notions to or that is just how I react will be much more prone to get a sexual response from me. So I am not saying being grabbed thrown into a room and handed paint and a brush while being told I am useless except for a painter is going to get the same affect from me in a sexual manner then being dragged into the bedroom being told I am only useful for my holes and get wham bam as hard and quick as he can then tosses me aside might.


Power exercised over me in an active sense that it would not be something I would do on my own. This gets into the difference between domination and submission that I wrote about here but we are talking about enduring or ordered directly to do things that are or are tied into sexual area in my mind. I love cooking my Master’s favorite dinner, giving him a massage and all the blow jobs he will ever want. This can make me happy and horny without a problem. But being dominated by doing or enduring things I do not like can drive me insanely aroused while often not while in the acts themselves but afterwards in processing it and sometimes this can last not only hours but days.

Degradation play is enjoyable to me because it offers such a stark contrast both mentally and physically to me. Because of the huge gap of what I am experiencing and who I know I am and how much I care for my Master is so great. There is no mistake we both know I would rather not be doing this or outright cannot stand it but the power he uses over me to be this dominant is so pure and that just destroys me in a very delicious way.

2) It is great suffering to endure for my Master to show my love and devotion to him and I enjoy that and it certainly strokes my ego and sooth my insecurity somewhat.

I wrote about the needs and benefits of suffering for our owners in this post in detail and mention it elsewhere a lot. We do not show our love, devotion and dedication to the total power exchange dynamic for our owner by doing the easy things let alone the things we want to do and enjoy. We show it in doing the things and having things done to us that give us trouble, hardship and no pleasure.

I have found in degradation play to be very intense in this aspect when done for an owner into this type of play. It is always mentally challenging and whether just in my mind or has some credence I have found in my experiences that lowering oneself to being degraded my owners past and present truly understand and love that I will do these things only because I love them.

The last two paragraphs may sound like a contradiction but they are not. My pleasure is the domination not the acts. Degradation play is extremely domination over me specifically because I hate doing these acts every single time. For example, I am a toilet for my Master. I cannot stand it and even after years of doing this I have yet to build any significant tolerance for it. I can handle it and therefore is not a limit as I would never want to limit my Master’s use of me by what I like or dislike. I have never wanted to or have asked my owner to use me in this way.

The act of being a toilet for my Master is awful. The fact my Master makes me be one knowing and not giving a damn is intoxicating to me and that is my craving.

Don’t you worry about emotional abuse or feel you Master thinks less of you?

These are the classic arguments you here when degradation topic or individual play types are discussed. To me this is a vacuum question in terms of it only makes sense from the eyes of the person asking it who is not being very open to different strokes for different folks.

For me only I am a big girl and would not suffer abuse. If I did not love, respect and trust my Master I would not be with him. If I did not think he loved, trusted and respects me in all aspects I would not be with him.

Do we not still love our other when we have a disagreement? Do we not still love our other when they do something selfish? Of course we do so why would we not love our other when two people are doing degradation play when both people are perfectly ok with it?

For me personally but I hope for all, regardless of the relationship dynamic, I would hope we love and respect our other is done with long term thoughts, feeling and experiences and not random snapshots in time.

Conclusion

I did not write this post as cool factor fodder like look how cool I am I do degradation play. Nor did I do it to promote others that they should try it. We all have are things and this is just one of mine. I cannot do breathe play for example so you will never see a post on breath play in my blog.

But I did write this to show that there are slaves in fact into being sexually and other ways degraded by their owners and that we are neither damaged or abuse victims. That doing degradation play is not going to turn a healthy person into an abuser or victim and destroy our self esteem if we have it in the first place.

Degradation play is not for everyone but for me bring it on!

April 9, 2008

Our Own Worse Educators

First this post refers to dominant and submissive in terms of male dominant and female submissive. I just do not want to type out the genders constantly.

Local communities, Web sites, blogs, message boards and probably even chat rooms all do the job of promoting two of the biggest problems with learning, discussing and maybe most importantly of all understanding of the power exchange life and/or the kinky things done. What are these big problems?

1) That often what is communicated in this life is that dominant equates strong and wise and submissive equates weak and naïve. 2) Look out you poor defenseless females for those big bad dangerous dominants.

Now for most of you reading I pray that you are thinking that what I just wrote is completely stupid. I am not here to write the poor confused people probably in need of mental health help who buy into statements like those. But I am going to write how many of us who do not think that at all will though still promote these ideas subconsciously when we talk about this life.

What do you mean subconsciously?

I am going to list just a few examples that often when we discuss the power exchange life with or without kinks or just talk about the kinks and show you the common way they are mentioned and the actual reality. Before I do that I just want to mention that I am going to discuss topics, phrases, and types and individual kinks but I am not going to every single time write what is subconsciously being promoted.

I will be using negative tones and too much gross generalization but when reading these things ask yourself that if you were a normal person in a normal relationship would you want to be treated or thought of this way by others or when they think this is happening to you.

Abuse

How we lightly throw around this word is quite alarming to me. I work in an ER I see almost on a daily basis abuse victims including children and their abusers at their lowest of the low. Understand something; these are people with very low to non existent self esteems from both the abuser and the victim. It is forged in their childhoods, their whole adult life and with a string of very poor decisions.

I am sorry for anyone who was crushed when their other cheated on them. I am sorry for anyone who got injured by a dominant going too far. I am sorry for anyone who had a very poor reaction to a kink because it brought up past abuse issues in you. But these things do not equate being abused.

Dominants that screw up once or cannot mind read what the submissive is feeling does not make him an abuser. A submissive that has low self esteem and has trouble dealing with real life is not representative of the average submissive. Are there dominants that are abusers of course just as there are submissives that are enablers but they come into the life that way. The life did not make them that way.

I will leave you with this thought on the abuse topic. It is so easy to throw this word out when discussing other people, kinks you do not partake in and commenting on isolated incidents but what if it was directed at you or your loved one. Think about that so next time you equate degradation play to abuse realize someone thinks you getting or giving a spanking is abuse as well.

Submissive wants to be protected and feel safe.

We women will use these words all the time but they often get misinterpreted by men and the way we word this often makes us look like we are afraid of the world and need protecting from it. This is of course not remotely true.

What a woman means when she uses words like wanting to feel safe or protected is that we want to trust our other enough to give up control in how we normally protect ourselves from the real world. Giving our Master severe control is a scary/nervous thing even for the most experienced as it puts us in a very vulnerable position. A slave has given over most of her defenses of day to day life to their owner. It is not that we cannot protect ourselves from the world but we have given over our power to the owner to do so. So when women talk about being protected and safe we really mean can I trust my owner with that responsibility.

I think too often dominants infer this to mean we cannot or do not want to do this for ourselves from our own words communicated. What submissives really need to do when communicating on this topic is to be clear that we are perfectly capable of doing so but in order to live a total power exchange relationship that gets handed off to our owner. Just communicating that we want to feel safe and protected subconsciously comes off as I am weak and need protecting from the big bad world.

Mind play often involving humiliation and degradation play.

It is not for everybody and in fact not really for most from my observation. But just because it is not for someone or someone has a problem with it does not mean it is any more dangerous then any other type play.

I am sorry for all those who have been abused verbally and emotionally in your past and cannot handle this type of play but for many of us who have not it is just not very dangerous especially when it comes to the physical things done. Because you were susceptible to being abused and staying does not mean anyone who gets something done in the realm of kink is getting abused or will become susceptible to becoming abused.

There is a huge difference to this type of play when it is done with love and for fun then when someone is abused out of sickness and anger. When all people do is write “look out” to anything it once again paints an inaccurate picture that a submissive is weak and any dominant could very well be an abuser.

Over romanticizing our journey into submission.

It feels absolutely incredible to find that perfect fit that we went through life without feeling when we first enter our power exchange relationship with our beloved other. So many things are different and pretty much everything has a new, better and more intimate feeling about it. As a submissive we love to communicate this as it is a huge change in our life and very much for the better.

But that does not mean we have been changed or transformed. It just means we have found the right fit with the right person and it has allowed ourselves to flourish. But so often submissives love these types of words but once again they get mangled in wrong interpretations. Too often dominants interpret this as a weak person needing to be rescued and other submissives who are miserable think the only thing they need to do is find a dominant and they will be instantly happy that there is little or no work on their end.

What can be done that we in the life communicate a more positive, healthy and realistic way about this life?

1) Stop throwing around the words safety and trust into everything that we do not like or have had a bad experience with or to protect ourselves from a non threat.

If you do not like a kink that is fine and you are welcomed to your opinion but whenever the kink is discussed all you have to offer is a worse case scenario and the health risks without any perspective then all you are doing is fear mongering and painting the picture of this life to be dangerous along with the people in it. We do not like it when regular people or people not into things we are do that and we should always be careful not to do it as well.

Trust is important but do not cheapen the word by using it as a catch all excuse to stall or the reason why a relationship failed. Throughout time men have pushed women faster then most of us have wanted. We all have dealt with this and communicating not ready or something similar is been good enough. But in this life often submissive’s use trust as a way to present a nobler phrase for not ready or destroyed my trust as the clichéd excuse. Of course there are plenty of times when trust is the reason and that is my point, it is an important thing in relationships so we not need to water it down or emphasize it so much that other important factors are ignored.

2) Stop giving super powers to our dominants and painting pictures of submissives being wrecks before being owned and transformed into incredibly happy 24/7 aroused orgasm machines once owned.

Sorry dominants out there who get off on the fix./rescue/transform vibe of power exchange. These are relationships just like any other and in the right relationship BOTH people flourish and are happier in it and both people work hard in the relationship for this to happen. I would shout from the world about how awesome my Master is for me as well but if that is all we communicate it leads to a very wrong impression that we the submissive are not bringing anything to the table.

3) Communicate better

We need to when communicating our lives and our opinions to be conscious of what we are projecting. Often we project without realizing the submissive weak and naïve while dominant is either perfect or an abuser with nothing in between. We need to stop doing this.

We need to communicate “feel safe with our owner to give up power and make ourselves vulnerable” instead of “to feel safe”. We need to call out dominants who take all the credit for anything good their submissive does or becomes or communicates that a submissive is somehow weak or broken in some way whether subconsciously or consciously.

Conclusion

Many of us who are active in blogs, local communities, web sites and message boards can be quite hypocritical in how we communicate this life. Most if not all of us have been in a situation or at least fear a situation of a regular person judging us or our other in a severe negative light from the way we live and/or the activities we do. We do not like that judgment and think it is not fair. It demeans us as being unhealthy and stupid or even worse abuser and victim. Our legitimate defense is of course they do not get it, I know what is best for me and this is very much consensual. But yet we often judge others in this life but doing things differently or things we might not do in a similar fashion without thinking of how we feel when people do that to us.

We owe it to all the people in power exchange relationships, people looking into it for themselves and for people just wanting to get a better understanding to communicate in a more accurate and open minded way how this wonderful life is. We need to communicate that these are like any other relationships and a good one involves two mentally healthy people who are personally responsible for themselves. We need to communicate the risks involved in doing things but in a perspective that is less judgmental and hypocritical.

It is easy to want to stroke our own egos whether directly or indirectly. It is easy to revert back to a high school mentality and want to think the fewer people who are able to live like this in a healthy way makes us somehow more special. But when we indulge in such things all we are doing is giving others freedom to do the same thing and being judged is something no one wants.