Foundation: Part One-Structure

I moan and roll my eyes every time people start listing qualities of a good dominant/submissive or what is the foundation of power exchange relationships. The reason why the list is always qualities that are important in any good person or in any good relationship like trust, honesty and communication.

This is not that. I believe there are four important qualities that are critical to highlight as they are ones that get more emphasized in power exchange relationships. The reason being not that they are more important compared to other relationship dynamics but they are more radically different or require more conscious knowledge and effort then in other dynamic types.

To me there are four: Structure, Atmosphere, Consistency and Passion.

I want to write about them in four separate posts. So this post is dedicated to:

Part One: Structure

Structure is critical to focus on from the simple fact it probably is the biggest tangible change that occurs when we enter into a power exchange relationship.

Structure gives us the boundaries of the relationship. Without boundaries creates uncertainty. Uncertainty leads to anxiety and stress. Anxiety and stress turns us to the dark side and causes our true love to die for no actual medical cause and to name our daughter Leah which had to be torture for her in school. Ok, I may have taken the last thing a couple of steps too far but you get my point. Structure helps us contain many negative thoughts and questions that feed of the fear of the unknown.

What is structure to a power exchange relationship?

Well to me there are two types; the overall and handbook. Overall this is the big picture agreement and the baseline to keep focus on. Some might call it a mission statement. The handbook is more about how things are going to work in order to live like the overall goal is.

The overall in the power exchange is the great debate of how much power, control and impact the relationship will have on the two people. All relationships have a structure to them but are almost always not really firmly established. When couples talk about where they want to live, how they want to live, how to raise children and things of that nature. That is what is also being done when two people seek out a power exchange relationship. Two people are discussing how they want to live in general theories as well.

The handbook type structure is setting up the structure of how to turn the overall structure of the power exchange into the actual day to day part. Again all relationships have structure like this in them. Take any regular couple and even if not verbally discussed and agreed on the structure is there. Take if a couple want to have as nice as home as possible, nice cars and save money. So basically they want to earn as much money as they can. This dictates that their handbook structure is both of them will not only work but both will probably establish careers. But there is also more detailed structure as most if not all couples settle into routines for many things in life.


This is the same thing that happens with handbook structure with power exchange. Structure is set up that gives us how we are going to live in the day to day life. It is giving the slave duties and responsibilities specifically. It is things that may or may not be discussed about just like regular couples. Take punishments for example. Probably most of us did not talk specifically how an infraction would be punished or what type was how severe. But after being together for awhile a pattern should emerge and that pattern is in fact structure in the relationship.

The reason why this structure is important and why one of my key foundation points is because this can be highly flexible and it is important that once the two people start fitting together it is important that structure in this area is more firm then regular handbook structure.

The positive effect of having a well thought out, discussed and agreed upon structure

This goes back to eliminating uncertainty from the relationship between the two people. With good structure both people can focus on life, including the power exchange specific things, and not wondering where this is going or why this was done things. It allows a dominant to not worry about surprising their slave or a slave wondering what is next. What ifs do not come out of the blue but feel more natural because structure has addressed things.

Does this mean every couple needs to have set up some massive amount of detail about everything that goes on in their life and how they are dealt with?

No I am not talking about some detail instructions of what is to be done with this or that and whether it should be written down, directly communicated ahead of time or talked to death in detail whenever something comes up.

I am talking about addressing the big picture in a rational way so both are on the same page and more importantly have clear communication in the specifics so both people know what to expect both in general and in day to day life in order to eliminate uncertainty in the area of how we live.

For example, from a slave’s standpoint it is much easier and relaxing to know my Master from the start told me he was not going to pick out individual outfits for me to wear but he would be active in this area. Master gave me a guideline of what to wear and informed me he could at times pick something out or make me change type statements. This gives me structure that in this area of my life I have an understanding with my Master that he wants overall control but does not want to be bothered with the details but he still can if he wants. It gives me structure in this area so I am not lunging at unknown expectations.

This is not about details. A Master if they want can make the guidelines as detailed or generic as they want. The important factor is this area has communicated expectations.

What is the affect of poor structure?

I want to use the clothes example to show poor structure.

Now say as a couple in a severe power exchange relationship which what a slave is to wear is a basic assumed right of a dominant to have power over if they choose. But what if nothing was really communicated and maybe a dominant makes comments here or there. Maybe the dominant chooses things some days or days in a row and then does nothing and what if their tastes change but it is over time and not communicated because that is something that blends in over time.

In a situation like this a slave is left guessing at what their owner wants. Does the owner actually have strong preferences, is it just a whim here and there and does he even care or does things because it looks like the slave cares. This lack of structure will cause the slave to struggle from the uncertainty. The slave will become indecisive and end up asking a lot of how do you like this or what would you like me to wear questions often when an owner could really care less. An owner is going to get annoyed by questions about things they are not caring about or become concern that their slave seems to be having difficulties.

Structure set the boundaries up so no one goes out of control

Structure is important to deal with expectations and uncertainty. Structure does not have to be rigidly discussed on everything; it can change over time whether naturally or in clear communication and it is not about detail. But structure is important to have in all areas that the power dynamic is active in and that expectations are known and to minimalize the anxiety of the unknown.