Consensual Non Consent

Nothing filters people in this life to how they think about and live it then when they communicate on this topic. So with that being written let me expose myself to judgment.

Reality or fantasy

One of the questions any message board get on Master/slave total power exchange relationships is the age old is it real or is it just a fantasy. It is usually asked by people that I would put into three groups.

1) Do not take anything in this life that serious. I am not picking on these people but the thought of actual devotion to a power exchange dynamic is just something they will never take seriously as this life is more about just the kinky things and role playing the power exchange stuff when they are in the mood and agree to it. To these people these things are just an addition to their life like a hobby and cannot grasp people taking it too seriously that they make it part of their real life dynamic as a core principal. They may try to live an M/s life but anything that it runs up against they discard it until they pick it up again sometime later. It is separate and not integrated into their life.

2) Dominants taking this life way too literally. Usually cyber theorists and/or mentally unhealthy people who actually believe the slave definition out of Webster’s dictionary is the minimal level for one to call themselves a slave. These are the people that find when people talk in a healthy and sane way about Master/slave relationships it is watered down junk or cannot find a slave to literally become property and give up all rights and property of their own along with agreeing to truly no limits and then bark it is all fantasy.

3) Submissives with significant self esteem issues. They need to feel superior toward others and they do this by taking their personal view of a slave, often close to the Webster’s dictionary, and think they live it that way and then point to all the others as just fantasy players. What is unfortunate about this is their life is usually not even remotely like they say it is. The simple fact is because their self esteem is so low they could never handle anything actually non consensual in the moment. These are often the people proclaiming they are a no limit slave and when someone points out obvious limits they reply back “my Master would never ask me to do that”. They are taking value by how they perceive their role is as a 24/7 TPE slave like it is fuel for one’s self esteem.

The truth is out there

In my personal opinion any actual power exchange in a relationship has to have non consensual consent or there is no power being exchanged. I do not care if it is only contained to one night in the basement or bedroom a week or if you have some sort of 24/7 dynamic. But within the boundaries of the agreed upon power exchange the dominant ask or does something that the submissive does regardless of wanting to, feeling like it, not wanting to, hating it outside of safety concerns.

So if they have agreed to a dynamic where the dominant can demand sex of any type at anytime for example then the dominant can actually do this and not just have the right to try to have sex at anytime by having to get their submissive aroused first. Another example if the Master decides to order their slave to clean a closet right then and now and makes the slave miss their favorite TV show but an hour later the slave is sitting next to him watching TV of a show they do not like that consensual non consent.

Why would people live like this?

Let me use an analogy to partially answer this question. Say you love to garden and every year you tend to a huge garden in your back yard. During the springtime there is a lot of work in order to get it ready from cleaning up the damage fall and winter did to it. You have to cultivate the dirt and plant the seeds. You have to spend extra time watering in the beginning perhaps. During the rest of the year there are always weeds to be picked, fertilizing and pest control to do. In other words you love to have a garden but it is a lot of work.

The truth is even for a person who loves to garden that not every second they are doing something for that garden. Maybe you always hate one particular thing that has to be done. Or maybe some days you love to putt around the garden weeding it and some days you just dread doing it but you have to do it anyway. But many days you love to just take care of the garden. Some things you always love to do and often whether when just finishing the some thing major or just randomly look upon your garden and get a great sense of happiness and satisfaction.

Well in a sense that is what a slave does when agreeing to have non consensual consent in their relationship. We are more then willing to have moments in our life, even on a daily basis, that we might have to struggle through in order to have things we love in our life and have that overall happiness and loved feeling. To have what we want overall we have to do things that are not always what we want or like in the moment.

The other part of the equation gets into a submissives personality. You will read, hear and think about how we are wired to put our cherished ones above ourselves or we hate all the mind games of indirect communication and bartering regular relationships have. For some of us we have a fetish for power and control being exercised over us. Here is the cool/weird/sick thing about consensual non consent, when serving the one we love it is better then the alternative and it is not even close. There is no way I could be happy both in the moment and overall if I was causing my Master to not be as happy and pleasured as he could be by having to worry about if I am alright in doing something in the moment even to the point he damn well knows I hate doing it. For example I could not possible enjoy my favorite TV program or even masturbate to an orgasm knowing my Master is cooking dinner when I should be doing that for him. So even if I am dead tired, have no interest in cooking dinner and left to my own would not in a million years cook a dinner it is still way better for me overall to be ordered to cook dinner.

The use of consensual non consent in a relationship especially in a 24/7 TPE is critical and getting a loving Master to use his power on that level is often a big hurdle that is critical in overcoming. Happiness and love comes from the cutting away of anxiety and burden of not knowing for sure and how the other is going to react. Consensual non consent when exercised in the relationship lets both parties know they need not worry about some other mythical shoe dropping.

Elephant in the room again

Consensual non consent has a scary pretense to many who do not have it in their life. Heck, it is scary and sometimes denied for some of us that do have it in our life. It goes against all the fairytale preaching one might fall for of the Master being so awesome that they always do things in the slave’s best interest or can make the slave feel so wonderful that doing anything for them at anytime is to bring a slave joy with woodland creatures singing a cheerful song and helping us out. But life is not like that and all relationships we do things that we do not feel like when we do not want to do them. Thinking an extreme power exchange relationship one will not hit this and probably harder is not realistic.

One of the things I do not like is how between the local community and other who often want to preach all things done is for the bottom and that carries forward into a power exchange relationship and the popular thought and practice of somehow bottom to submissive to slave is a natural progression that there is that elephant in the room when consensual non consent first happens. Now I am not writing one cannot take this progression as many do but I am stating that D/s to M/s is quite different and not just another step because of consensual non consent becomes a big part of the life. That people I think would have a lot more success and ease into an M/s 24/7 relationship if one did not look at these things as stepping stones and mentally thought and worked on the this topic sooner then later if one thinks M/s is their calling in life.

But I cannot control the universe and I am far too lazy to figure out a plan and execute it to do so. So instead we get people waxing beautiful false fairytales or people spreading fear of anything that is not a fairytale. The truth is the time, things and feelings in doing many of the consensual non consent things takes up little time, not way out there bad things and often are feelings of not doing something to please our Master will be far worse then doing things we do not like. I will not lie and do think it is a big step to accept this in our relationship but often we have made it bigger by trying to connect unrelated stuff and listen to people who do not practice what you are drawn to and want.

It is one of those things where it is easy to point a finger from the sidelines and go look out that consensual non consent will be 24/7 life sucks because the owner can therefore will do things that will just cause hardship. Possibly true, but I choose to believe these people are the clueless morons. Not that it is not for them but they try to preach worse case scenario. I think most of us that enter and thrive in 24/7 M/s total power exchange relationships that have the possibility of consensual non consent playing a part in are life on a daily basis form small to large. But the concept lost on all the local community sycophants and look out cyber people is they just always forget we are consenting to the one’s we love, trust and hopefully are compatible. If they were monsters that made us miserable then why would be submitting to something that extreme? I would not and hope others do not as well.

Consensual non consent is alive and well in healthy power exchange relationships. How else can one serve someone we love and care for if we do not let them have the power if they are then not allowed to use it?

Naturally Doomed

In the last two post I have briefly mentioned the magical term many who chest thump this life that I personally find to be extremely misleading and that term is natural.

It is the ultimate cool factor word in the power exchange life. I mean does it not sound cool to say “I am natural” followed by anything you state. It is almost always followed by the “I do not need” and goes on to list some thing(s) that many people do in this life. It is a passive aggressive claim of believing one is superior or a puff up ego shout of please do not look too closely at my relationship in what it is from what I say it is.

But no amount of actual “naturalness” can be enough if one wants a significant power exchange relationship. Let me stress the word significant to separate from any. Certain none that fall under the level Master/slave on the level most define it.

You do have to have some natural

Oh my, contradict myself practically at the beginning. The natural though I am referring to is the starting point. Where the starting point is can be or maybe stronger is critical to how a person can be in this life. But it is just a starting point and it is never the finishing line.

To be in an M/s relationship a dominant certainly has to have certain things in certain levels in order to lead and dominate the relationship that fuels and satisfy them instead of burden and drains them. I will for brevity and because few can agree will not go into detail but let me write a decent level of leadership skills, want active control and being decisive. Every slave needs on some level to enjoy doing things for the one(s) they care about on a significant level. I mean if one is selfish and inconsiderate then slave is not the role for you.

The point natural does not cut it

We are all natural when it is easy and on our own terms. But M/s TPE does not work that way because as humans and with lives that are just a tad more complex. Every spouse on the planet believes they put their other above themselves for the most part, does not make everyone a natural submissive. Everyone believes they know what is best for their other or for both together for the most part but that does not make everyone a natural dominant.


Let me use my favorite example of what a slave is to wear. Most in a relationship this is a give and go thing. One spouse expresses or shows over time preferences in how they like the other to dress. For many, especially women, we often factor this in even to the point of it being the biggest factor. But we do not always defer to this choice. People usually only do it if they are ok with it and feel like it. So a regular wife knows her husband likes her to wear a nice summer dress over shorts for example. She may wear a dress most days but some days she really feels like wearing shorts and does so without thought. It is the natural points like that M/s couples have to overcome. Now most might think what is the big deal about something like this happening in a “natural” power exchange relationship? The point is when there is nothing from stopping one from doing what they want in the first place then as humans we do not always default to our naturally submissive side we send out messages to our other that do not equate the dynamic we have agreed to.

Same thing with a dominant playing natural dominant which your slave basically lives a day to day existence of not knowing when they do something is going to be wrong because their natural dominant confuses being able to express a preference or want their way in a disagreement about something to go their way. It is just simply more natural for us to not care or blow something off.

It just is not natural

It is not natural for a female slave to always wear her hair the way her Master prefers if it is always one way and length but we do it anyway. It is not natural to always cook a decent meal for our Master. It is easy when tired or hurried to default to normal and take the easy way out or hint/request severely that our guy takes us out in that case. But that is not up to a slave. It is not natural to put our others needs and desires most of the time so far above our own that we do not even think about it.

It is not natural to be able to and certainly always be able to not take the current desire in the moment of your slave and disregard it for reasons that are selfish when one is the dominant. It is not natural for a dominant to make most of the decisions. It is not natural to have a preference and make it a rule knowing that there will be times your slave that you love will find that difficult.

Living this naturally is not going to get you M/s 24/7 significant power exchange

Our lives despite our relationship dynamic are filled with mostly the regular world and us being Mr. and Mrs. Joe Normal. Most of us were raised not to follow or lead in such strict ways and certainly all of us have had plenty of time being single where we had only our stuff to care and deal with. We default to these things when we try just to live our lives and will create a horrendous atmosphere and woeful inconsistency within the dynamic if a couple truly try M/s the “natural” way.


Why most M/s relationships have some rules, rituals, strict adherences to preferences is so that the mindset and atmosphere makes it easier and more enjoyable to go to the tougher and stricter level of domination and obedience. For many of us punishment is an important aspect as not to point out our human failures but to help us motivate ourselves when the always going to be their times we start processing in our normal brain way. We have all these unnatural things in our lives so we can keep two brains on the same page with consistent thoughts and actions and not just hoping.

Live the life for yourself and not others

So forget the cool factor of the more natural we live it the better Master or slave we are. Forget the people that promote cool theories that if you do not match up make you lesser in their eyes, they are idiots lying.

Realize to be in a successful Master/slave relationship means there is no easy middle ground. There are things that will not be natural or things that are normally natural at times will not be. The unnatural things we have set up and practice in these relationships are there to help us and smooth over the rough spots. They are good for relationships and not a strike against your coolness.

If one wants just natural that is great, no problems on my end, but do not expect 24/7 TPE or anything close because that is just not natural.

Oh Know! Punishment!

I must admit to maybe taking too much pride in trying to truly be a to each their own philosophy both in life, in total power exchange relationships and kinky things. Obviously I am far from perfect but I at least like to obnoxiously think I am more to accepting differences then one way type thoughts. I must admit though that when it comes to whether punishments are needed in TPE relationships and even ones that are less severe that I have a tough time in buying into the people that proclaim that they have no such thing in their relationships.

I was just reading an article in the paper about another study that came out that showed punishment with children is not effective in correcting their bad behavior. These studies no matter children or in other areas like prisoners always conclude the same thing. The things that always bother me are two things; they always take a generic punishment form and apply it to many different circumstances and history of human behavior shows punishment being used everywhere.

We punish children by quiet time and taking away good stuff. We screw up at work we are punished by lower raises, not getting promotions or getting terminated. We punish in regular relationships the withholding of sex, not doing something out of being pissed and various passive aggressive actions. Then why are their some who insist that punishment is not in their relationship in a severe power exchange relationship. If not something laid out and structured for consistency then to pretend punishment of the regular couple variety does not take place is difficult for me to imagine.

Why do I think having punishment in an M/s relationship is important.

(Obviously many others think so to and I am not any great mind coming up with some thing new)

Quite frankly to me it just seems like a natural part of the dynamic. There is my Master who I have given power over to control me. I am not perfect or always in a super submissive and focused mood. There are a lot of things done that can be dismissed that quite simply would not destroy our relationship. But that is not what we are going after in our relationship. Punishment gives us both what we need to help the commitment and maybe more importantly SHOW our commitment to the TPE dynamic.

For a slave to know your owner not only cares enough about the dynamic but is willing to make effort in their life to work on the dynamic by not blowing off mistakes and random junk and to actually take the time to discuss and administer a punishment is a big deal. It is a big deal for an owner to know a slave is not giving lip service to the dynamic but willing to walk the walk. Do we not hate people you use the words “I am sorry” as a get out of free card in life. I know I get sick of people who treat other people badly and think an “I am sorry” makes it ok.

Another reason for me is like it or not it is motivation to stay true. I like knowing if I do not do something or break a rule that something will probably happen. It helps me not only to be my best but it is freeing me from junk thoughts like “what does it matter” or “he will never know”. Punishment is not only a determent but it is also a natural state of the relationship communicator. It provides a god place of communicating things one or both do not like and can bring out bigger picture things that may be eating away when the two people talk it out.

The last reason I think punishment is important is that to me it helps greatly when done well in helping out with the power structure, boosting the atmosphere and gives an outlet to take care of issues without resorting to passive aggressive behaviors people so often do. As I wrote in the beginning of this entry I do not buy into no punishments in relationships concept. To me if one does something upsetting then it can either fester or cause someone to react in a less then healthy way. All this can combine with issues growing into mountains when they could have been stomped out very easy when they were molehills.

Why do some seem obsessed about not having punishments?

Quite honestly I see three main motivations for the people who argue against or claim their relationships are punishment free.

1) Not wanting to make the effort. Many relationships that go in to power exchange are often people with firmly agreed upon job duties that is more about structure and commitment to that structure then actual power exchange. The dominant male wants the 1950’s wife and a willing bedroom submissive and the female submissive that wants an alpha male and to be a bedroom submissive. But neither group wants to ever do things they naturally would not do or make any effort in investing in the relationship when it comes to actual power exchange.

2) Quite simply both gender and roles that have issues with their ego and self esteem. The concept of out in the open punishment goes to chip away the delusion they enjoy and create using power exchange that they are awesome as themselves or their other is awesome therefore by deduction they are awesome. These are people that when discussing punishment never come close to getting or acknowledging aspects of punishment like penance and the moving on. There the submissives that communicate the disappointment of doing something wrong is punishment enough. They cannot admit to anything less then perfection either in themselves or their relationships and punishment simply does not compute with openly admitting to non perfection.

3) Those that use the reward system to re-enforce good behavior. I know it sounds so cool and right does it not? Well a tip of the hat to my favorite fake but really experienced Mistress who uses this system. The old be a good slave and I will feed you some sex and/or kink. I wrote about this in a whole blog entry here but why it is idiotic is that is not a power exchange relationship or domination at all but someone with no dominant ability or no effort wanting to be spoiled and asking how much will this cost me and paying it in kinky things.

Issues and myths about punishments

1) I do not want to fill my relationship up with a bunch of junk. I could not agree more but that would only happen if you were stupid enough to have so many things in your relationship like too many rules or rituals or think absolute perfection in very insignificant things is a punishable thing. So if you are spending more time looking for things or worry about missing punishable things then you may want to change things and throw some of the rules or ways you deal with things.

2) I would be too nervous and walking on eggshells for fear of screwing up. Pretty much the same thing as one but again from a slave’s standpoint but there is a big difference in worrying about doing things to avoid after plenty of time that they should be secondhand and finding the right balance where over time everything is secondhand.

3) I am a mature adult and not a child. Punishment is for the immature and the too emotional people. No punishment done right takes the emotion out of things and helps the people discuss things and move on. Those who are too mature are the ones typically not dealing from an honest place and will let emotions fester and act out in non healthy ways.

Punishment is not really about screwing up

Punishment to me is a vital component of a significant power exchange relationship. Not because we must point out disobedience or rule violations whenever they happen, but that there is something in place to deal with things that make a dent into the dynamic and for both sides to have an open and healthy way to deal and move on. We are not perfect human beings and while some like to think maturity and mastering of themselves can deal with things with perfect open communication, the fact is most of us will fail often enough to cause problems. I do not want to live in a relationship that is normal and that includes dealing with problems when they pop up as well.

I want to write more about the specific aspects of punishments, types and when to do them but will save that for another post(s).

TPE: What is it actually?

I am not going to get into an endless sub versus slave type debate that almost always has a subset debate of what is a total power exchange relationship. What I am going to do is obviously give my opinion and puncture holes in the cyber theorists and chest thumpers out there.

First let me start by giving what is to me the two big constraints when discussing pretty much anything but needs to be highlighted when these type of things come up. The following two things are needed to be there and presumed to be there in a total power exchange relationship (TPE):

1) BOTH people are fairly mentally healthy.
2) They live in a country that has solid human rights laws and enforces them.

Everything that follows is based on both of these things being present.

My view on what is TPE

To me you are talking about a severe control 24/7 relationship that boundaries and limits are clearly agreed upon but in general few in nature. The fact is most people can discuss and get close on the literal things. But to me it is once this has been established and mutually agreed to live like this is to me where you get at the heart of what the relationship is going to be.

For a slave: Being in a TPE relationship means being totally committed and dedicated to truly with one’s utmost intention and effort living it. This is accepting that many what, when, where and how’s are now not in one’s control. This is not just about accepting it and wanting it but truly in one’s heart being able to live like this. This is about living 24/7 and always giving your owner the chance it will work then having to believe it will work. You have to let go of judging individual actions and just concentrate on overall things.

For a dominant: I believe some ancient philosopher wrote “with great power comes great responsibility”. A slave has given to their owner their needs and desires to feel safe, cared for and to try to be overall happy in life to their owner. A slave is not a toy or some accessory to treat like a programmable robot. The slave wants you to be the kid in the candy store but the heart of the matter is this, owning a slave 24/7TPE is not just about you but accepting and wanting control of another and enjoying the work that comes with that.

A peek into my world

Here are my actual limits and boundaries that are in my life as an owned slave.

Limits and boundaries include breath play, no tattoo(s) until we have been together three years, poly relationships, allowed to work at the minimum to keep up my qualifications to work in my chosen area as an RN, nothing in public that disrespects my family, keep in contact with my family and close friends including visiting them, any intercourse between other people by each of us is done with condoms, and of course the usual ones that I find either amusing or disturbing people have to communicate like children, permanent damage and any illegal acts that they prosecute. I am sure I missed a few things as well.

So one might view this as not total power exchange at all since I have the nerve to list anything but it is not about how many limits or boundaries as long as they are within reason for an owner that to me defines TPE. What defines TPE is within these things I live my life in zealot obedience as best as I can for my Master. Anything less to us is for me to be disrespectful and show I do not care not only for our agreed upon dynamic but my Master personally. There are no negotiations or adding to things just because I find them unpleasant or think they have no reason.

One caveat!

I do have one thing that drives cyber theorists up a wall and the more mentally diseased to hate someone like me. It is simple; I have the right to try to be happy. Within the boundaries if things are happening, being done or one or both of us change in some way that leaves me miserable then there is a problem(s) that need to be addressed. My rights as a human being do take precedent over an agreed upon way to live with someone!

The trick though for a slave like me is not to abuse this concept as a way to, for example if my Master tonight orders me to shave my head I will do so with little hesitation. I know I will hate it in the short term and maybe even longer but also know it will have to take months of keeping it shaved to see how it really will impact me for the long term.

If on our upcoming honeymoon my Master decides not to have sex with me and orders me to stay in the room while he hooks up with another woman that will of course not be a thrill and totally suck but I also know long term for me it will just not be a big thing and proud I could handle it for him.

Here are the following things I see many dominants mention that as a slave raise a huge red flag with me in context with TPE relationships:

1) Pushing limits: First I am all for dominants to bring up agreed upon limits and seeing if their slave is willing to try to push them within reason. There is a ton of examples of slaves who have listed limits then you talk to them six months later and one of those limits is there favorite thing to do in the whole wide world (except for pleasing their Master of course).

But there is an honorable way to try things with a slave and a defective way. To me it just reeks of mental issues if a dominant needs to try to push limits when the main motivation is just to push limits and not because there is a limit they would really like to do or at least try. If a dominant is obsessed by the desire to believe in his head his slave is a no limit slave that is simply a big red flag. TPE is about a relationship between two people and not some mythical destination.

2) Slave has one right and that is to leave: This is a cyber theorists and chest thumpers ultimate delusion. Any dominant who truly feels this get some mental help and certainly to any slave out there who thinks they are seeing a dominant who truly believes this you have been warned.

This statement can only be taken in two ways literally. 1) The slave has only one right to leave as a last resort but the owner is going to respect and care about the slave right to try to be happy. Therefore the slave has more then that one right and the statement is more chest thump then honest. 2) The dominant actually believes this which therefore they might not give a damn about any issues that a slave might have and there only way out of not being able to be happy is to leave them. Now is that just a fucked up thought when you have been in a relationship measured in years! Wow, what devotion and loyalty an owner like that is going to show another person.

3) Absolute Submission: This is a term because people like me bash cyber theorist’s version of TPE and no limit slave so this term sprouted up. Again run away from any dominant or slave who actually thinks this is possible. Wishing it to be possible does not make human rights laws become void or another’s attempt to follow this to make it actually so. No matter what unless you get a mentally sick submissive all you dominants out there you cannot eliminate the chance they will just leave you! These types of thoughts are a sign of your own non mental health.

Disclaimer for those with issues aka think no limit is possible here is my view instead of rambling on.

TPE is a relationship dynamic not a destination or fool proof dominant does not get hurt situation.

People when discussing concepts like TPE and limits often get caught up in specific acts and ego stroking. What TPE is more about is the commitment the two people have to truly live within the boundaries of sanity and basic human rights, needs and strong desires. It is a slave accepting a roller coaster ride and things done that will not always be happy times in the moment but overall life is a good one. It is about a dominant embracing what they have and not obsessing over what they do not.

Active Domination

What a Master/Mistress need to bring to the table in a total power exchange relationship

I have used the phrase “active domination” an awful lot in this blog and especially in bashing a specific group of dominants in my last few posts but outside of a quick explanation of it I have yet to really go into what I am writing about. I hope this is obvious for most and for some who are new or for some who have had trouble keeping a slave that this information is of some use. Active domination is specific actions within the power exchange relationship and not to be confused with qualities of someone. Basically one’s qualities will create actions.

So you have this hot woman into you greatly and both of you are want a Master/slave 24/7 total power exchange relationship. You cannot believe this woman is going to do domestic things with a smile on her face for you. You cannot believe this woman will blow you every day like it is your birthday and smile while taking that cum facial you might desire to give her even if some gets in an eye of hers. You cannot believe this woman would rather spend hours making something from scratch just because of a slight preference of yours from something store bought. You cannot believe that this woman will suffer the great pain you inflict on her just to show her love and devotion to you.

All this because she likes you and has a submissive personality! Oops do not blow it by thinking merely your presence and natural personality is all it takes for your needs and any desire to be her number one desire. She wants a lot of things in return for her to want/need this way 24/7 and not just when the mood strikes or right after some play. What she now wants from you is to dominate her in a 24/7 way.

This is what I call active domination. These are the things that a dominant will bring to the table in some compatible combination in order for a person with a submissive personality, who has developed strong feelings/love for that dominant with the passion for being dominated that is wanting/needing to have that 24/7 TPE relationship.

Here are some of those things that make up active domination in no particular order or any guarantee I have all of them listed.

Leadership: Dominants lead and slaves follow. Get it and live it. This does not mean 100% of everything after all everyone reading this is human after all or keeping a really big secret. A slave hopefully should not need and especially should not expect 100% in this area but they are certainly expecting and needing leadership in most things involving you and certainly if it affects both of you.

Leadership is making decisions, setting goals and expectations, communicating in a proactive manner and taking responsibility personally and for your slave.

Better be Decisive: Not many people calling themselves Master or Mistress last long by not being able to make decisions, not knowing what they want and looking to their slave for ideas and what they want too much. A slave simply hates this and wants these things as little as possible and is one of the big draws of this life to not have to look too often into the eyes of other and see blankness or indecisiveness.


Direct Communication: Please stop reading erotic literature on M/s or buying into the cool factor of a slave who always anticipates your needs and desires. It sounds so cool and awesome no wonder many act like this is attainable as a way to brag. Guess what? A slave will be proactive to a certain extent but near total will never happen. Your slave will not be a mind reader nor can spend 24/7 exclusively staring at you trying to. You are probably going to want her to not be a mindless zombie and mentally healthy. This requires energy and brain thoughts to not always be about trying to read their Master’s brain.

A big reason a slave is drawn to the power exchange life is they want their other to TELL THEM DIRECTLY what they want and not having to guess at it like in a normal relationship.

Be a taker not a facilitator: A 24/7 TPE slave actually does need to put their owner’s wants and desires, especially short term and immediate ones, first and will take pleasure and happiness from seeing their owner happy and pleasured. Most slaves are simply hypersensitive in sensing and certainly wanting to know if their owner is specifically doing what they want or are doing something ONLY BECAUSE they think their slave wants it.

A slave who has entered into a 24/7 total power exchange relationship has actually given their owner the power to control them within the scope/hard limits for selfish reasons. There is an actual reason why it is called 24/7 TPE and that is that the slave wants to give up control to her owner. The slave wants/needs pure actions from their Master. This simply means we know damn well many times people suppress, change or sacrifice what they want because they know the other for some reason would not want or like that and we do not want that crap in our relationship from our other.

So if as a dominant do not worry or try to mimic a regular couple but you are just taking the lead. If you are horny in the middle of the night wake me to take care of it. It is your right in the relationship. If you want beef stroganoff five nights in a row and makes me have to go to the store each night to get the ingredients then tell me to make it each of those nights. It is your right.

If you as a dominant need your slave to be ok or wanting everything you order her to do or do to her then that is not domination as that is facilitating. A slave gives away our immediate desires and pleasures and cherishes giving them away because our long term desires are being met by having our Master behave in a pure way.

If the dominant is naturally a selfish inconsiderate ass then they will be no matter the dynamic and no power exchange relationship dynamic can fix that. A slave wants a taker and this will mean that things done to make us happy are from our owner’s heart and not payment for services rendered.

Physical Manifestations of the Power Exchange: As a slave I want and need to not just live in a TPE relationship but I need to feel it, taste it, hear it and have it overwhelm my senses.

Here is the deal. Making a slave suffer in some way by making them do something they would not choose on their own is vital as long as the motivations are legit. I want to suffer for the one I call Master because he wants to see a strong show of my love and devotion to him and our TPE dynamic. I want to suffer if he gets pleasure from it, gets him off or just helps him out in some way with a need, want or desire.

I also though need to suffer to know my Master will make me suffer as this is an incredibly strong need of mine. I need to know he has zero problems in making me suffer because if I know this I will feel so much more comfortable that all his other actions are pure from his mind and heart. That if he can make me suffer then him taking me to a nice restaurant is from his heart not from his mind of thinking he better suck up to me.

Physical or verbal manifestations of the power exchange can be but not exclusive to just the kinky things. Kinky things can be done for mutual direct pleasure or done just for the dominant. Plenty of way to do this with out the standard kinks we often focus on. Here is a perfect example of a quick physical manifestation that goes a long way.

Conclusion

Slaves need to be dominated in our life with the one we care/need to serve. The dominant needs to be conscious that this does in fact take effort in thought and many times actions. For those who just want a 1950’s traditional role relationship without any drama or attitude along with an on demand nympho kinky porn star that is simply not a TPE total power exchange relationship.

Disclaimers for the last few posts:

1) Suffer does not equate being miserable. A slave is not looking to be miserable most of the time let alone enjoys the feeling of being miserable. A slave like me suffer a lot with love and pleasure if there is something positive/pleasurable going on for our other or our relationship together. Just making a slave miserable for the sake of making them miserable is not domination. That goes down the slippery slope of abuse.

2) Huge difference between a good dominant and a good significant other and likewise for bad. A person can have all the great qualities of a good dominant and be wonderful in the active domination aspects of the relationship. It though does not automatically make them a good person.

If the dominant is selfish and never does anything considerate and especially out of caring and love this is not a defect in the dynamic and it is simply you probably made a bad choice in whom to fall for. When in a complete relationship regardless of the power dynamic or other has to fulfill things for us. Things like intimacy, sex, support of many types and willingness to sacrifice time and energy for their slave in what life brings with it like family and obligations these are not optional. ANY dominant who either tells you a slave should not need things like this or they have no responsibility to provide them is simply not worth serving! Any dominant who only “tries” to provide these things like they are a reward or payment for services rendered is also simply not worth serving.

Never confuse mistakes in the dynamic or ability of a Master and slave to be “good” with the distinct possibility the person is just not worth it. Power exchange still means there has to be equal effort just that effort is not equal in all things but just on the whole.

Emphasized Qualities of a Slave

I will make this introduction short so not just to be too repetitive in my words from my last post on emphasized qualities of a Dominant. Just a short refresher, I will be listing qualities that may or may not be qualities that any good person should strive for but in a total power exchange (TPE) relationship are qualities a slave should have a lot of.

So anyone from any role who thinks like trust, patience and honesty are something different or more important or special because one calls themselves Master or slave or one is in a TPE relationship sorry it is not. I would hope in ANY good relationship things like trust, patience and honesty are there in us and our other otherwise they really would not be good relationships.

Here are some qualities that should be emphasized in a slave:

Obedient- Let us start off with the most obvious and therefore most boring one. This word gets tossed around in this life maybe more then any word but few really think about it outside of it being a literal action. So what is exactly obedience in terms of a quality to have?

In my know it all opinion it is a level significant enough that the often never ending human brain judging of every action and words being right or wrong and/or this is better then that does not interfere with following orders, rules, rituals and just in general the dynamic agreed upon. For me this something you will probably have or not but does not mean on the level that one can get to with concentration and effort.

A slave must be able to drop the often needless and now useless thoughts that a brain naturally thinks of and for them not to interfere with being a good slave. This does not mean that one cannot or will not have thoughts like this because surely we will and do, but this quality needs to be in us enough. The level is pretty easy to determine, if one can have thoughts of right or wrong and/or better or worse and still carry out our duties and orders then that is good enough. If one has to process and convince themselves that many let alone everything they do should or needs to be right or the “better” way then obedience will always be tricky.

Nonconformity – This is often a sister trait to obedience in that rarely will one have the obedience quality but not have this one. This is also different then what many people picture nonconformity with more out there expressions often based on a need for attention or to feed unhealthy self esteem.

While obedience is about the ability of one to lose or ignore self internalized/experienced thoughts of how something should be nonconformity is being able to ignore what our cultural, societal, friends and family expect or judge things and being able to not be a slave to those things. It can range from breaking away from only a few things to nearly everything but on your terms as a couple.

For example, one must not mind calling one’s Master to ask permission to go out with some friends from work and not having a problem if he says no and have no trouble when your friends tease you or worse think you need help.

For example, one must overcome “good” girls do this and “bad “girls do that and realize as a slave there is just being a slave no good or bad.

Unselfish – Again a noble trait for anyone to have and an obvious one for a slave but the reason I point this one out is again think past the obvious and more to how a person is wired which makes it less about individual acts and more about the person as a whole.

Acts done can be and often are for selfish reasons even from the most selfless slave or any person for that matter. Just the fact that I intentionally sought my other for a total power exchange relationship and look for certain qualities was all about me being selfish and thinking what is best for me to put myself in the best situation to experience happiness in my life shows I am not selfless.

So sorry for all the dominants who think a slave should be selfless and even slaves you enjoy thinking they are selfless because nearly all of you are not. Like the female dominant looking for a man to do all domestic work, build her a new kitchen and give her most of his money while not doing anything intimate/sexual with them. Like the couple wanting a woman to do all the domestic work, personal hand maiden to the wife, baby sit the kids or older parents, maintain a outside job to help support “the family” all without any intimacy/sex and inconveniencing them. All three are looking for a selfless human being and that is a needle in the haystack situation.

So at the end of that mini rant you get the picture that selfless and unselfish are two very different things. Unselfish as a quality in a slave is about a slave who can truly take enjoyment and maybe more importantly deal with things not going the way you would prefer without judgment and for the pleasures they are for themselves and not about what did I get out of it.

Going out of the way to do certain things for one’s Master and enjoying and taking pride in doing those things is unselfish. Going out of the way to chase compliments or desired specific actions and reactions of your Master is selfish. My Mom has a great example in regular world stuff. Trying to get a five year old to read the card to a gift you gave them, appreciate how you wrapped it and expecting them to be interested in how you went about buying it is selfish. Enjoying them tear open the wrapping without a thought to you in the world is unselfish.

Passion for the dynamic – I wrote this quality in the Master section and it is equally important with a slave.

Forget other qualities if a person wants this life because of what they think it will give them in terms of some sort of end products and not for the actual power exchange life and all that it goes with then that person will probably fail.

For prospective slaves this often is about thinking they will get certain things by calling themselves a slave. Often these are the people looking for things like an out going take charge man who wants to be personally responsible for their other and their family. They want a man who will fuck them when they are horny by taking/claiming them sexually and not some permission seeking was it good for you wimp for example. But sadly, their goal of getting just this and thinking some kink and agreeing to some domestic work or all based on their work goals is power exchange and of course it is not.

A slave must have passion for the actual life. This includes obedience, truly putting our Master above ourselves and doing things on another’s terms and way. It is dedicating oneself to 24/7 this way and not about what we are feeling in the moment.

Relinquishes active control easily – There is a woman on the message board I mention often who often writes that submissives are control freaks. I often would write a rebuttal to her words not that I disagreed with her because I agreed with her 100% but the fact the word control freak was very misleading in this case.

When we think of control freaks we think of active control freaks wanting to know what is being done is going how they exactly want it that they are often dismissive of other human beings. A slave is a control freak but in a passive way. We want to eliminate as much uncertainty with other human beings, especially our significant other as possible. So our way of controlling this always wants to know what a person says, asks or does is as pure and honest as possible. This is at the heart of our motivation when any dominant wonders why we answer “what ever you want” to the question “What do you want”.

For example I have never or will never have an issue with my Master going golfing on Saturday morning no matter if he spent a week away from me on business. I know he loves to golf and it is his standard time with his friends. For me to do anything to get him to stay with me instead (active control) just is not going to happen. But occasionally he does stay home and that is a wonderful thing as it was 100% his choice (passive control).

To be a slave in a TPE relationship one has not much desire for active control. With active control come expectations, disappointments and expectations that a slave not only puts on her Master but also takes away from the passive control she might crave. For example, I knew a woman who could express great desire for a M/s relationship and that Domestic Discipline was heavily involved. But she would also talk about having no desire to be punished by her Master on his terms but thought it would be best if she thought she deserved a punishment or a maintenance spanking that she would do something overt( act out playfully) so he would then have a clear signal that it was ok to punish her. With the lack of ability to relinquish active control she had no chance to get into a healthy M/s relationship and have the passive control she craved.

Conclusion

Slaves are not selfless human beings but at the same time must have certain qualities in them that they can serve someone on their terms and not the slave’s and that there is a huge difference between big picture getting what we want and in the moment. It is easy to think and communicate that we are obedient and put our other above ourselves but quite different when it comes not on our terms, time frames and learned right/wrong and/or better/worse mindset. A slave must have the qualities as a base to overcome the difference. We may not be at a level needed or desired from the start but if they are there we can get to that level. Those qualities do have to be there and can not be learned.

Emphasized Qualities of a Master

This is not going to be some all consuming stereotype list where qualities like trust, honesty, communication and on and on get listed or written in such an overblown way. Sorry, but when ever you start to list qualities for anyone or any group to have they will in fact be almost all the same. The simple reason being the qualities that are always listed are simply qualities that both genders regardless of any roles strive for to be a good person.

Sorry dominants, but Calling yourself and even other’s calling you Master or Mistress does not mean your qualities such as your word, trust, experience and on and on make you better people or dominants. Master or Mistress does not mean you have or do not have those qualities and ESPECIALLY you have them over other people like it is some competition.

Sorry submissives, your dominant and especially if you are looking for one is no different then any other human being on the planet. Waxing romantically about a perfect human being as a starting point for your ideal Master ranges from setting oneself up for failure to just delusional as a dominant is a person like everyone else and there is simply no official licensing test to claim they have perfect character.

The fact is we all want to be and search for good people. Good people have these qualities that are so routinely tossed out. We cannot give ourselves qualities and think that is that nor can we pat ourselves on the back if some friends give us those qualities as well; even the biggest losers have friends that will testify that they have great character.

So until we start hearing and reading people searching out “good” dominants and submissives but do not care if they have “good” character these qualities that are often mentioned are to be proven on an individual basis and are not qualities that separate a Master just because he utters them as a way to look better then others.

What I am though going to list are qualities that I think a dominant should have but should have it in a large scale. These qualities can or do not have to be qualities that make up a good person but are just ones through my personal history and communicating with others are qualities that go a long way when factoring in the power dynamic and the two people running smoothly. Again this is from the eyes of a total power exchange slave and I am not forming an opinion on lesser power exchange dynamics.

So after finding a “good person” a slave might want to see if the following qualities are also in their dominants.

Decisiveness – This may be hands down the honey that can draw a slave to a perspective Master. It is probably the one quality that before any power is exchanged can and should be shown within the potential Master.

Generally slaves hate uncertainty and being constantly looked at for an opinion or ideas. A Master who cannot make up his mind let alone make a decision and lead is not long for a 24/7 TPE relationship. Decisive is not only a needed quality but simply for many people like myself it is a quality that flat out is attractive to us on many levels.

Example when starting to see someone:

Not hot: “Where do you want to eat? What time is best for you?”
Hot: “I will pick you up at seven and we will be going here for dinner.”

Example in a scene:

Not hot: “Would you like me to use this toy on you?”
Hot: “I want to see what I can do to your tits with this toy”

Show me a naturally decisive Master that knows it is different from being demanding or rude and I will show you a Master that can have slaves drooling over them.

Considerate – The word screams duh and is not that one quality any good person should have but there are levels to being considerate and that is what I want to point out here.

How people normally go about communicating with people and particularly with their significant other is on a personal basis and a compatibility factor. Consideration for other people can range from always thinking about them to only considering them when they are yelling at us.

As slaves we are generally not very good at or wanting to have to speak up for ourselves sometimes let alone always when needed. I do not mean we should never or that there is not a strong difference between cannot or tough/do not like to as never speaking up for ourselves is not something a Master can fix as they cannot be mind readers. So because we tend to want to keep expressing our desires to the minimal it is important to find a Master who has enough consideration in them to think about and read their slaves and just not thinking about them at all unless they speak up.

For example, there is a huge difference between a Master always picking the restaurant that may or may not take their slave’s preferences into consideration from time to time and one who always picks but never thinks about what their slave likes.

Passion for the dynamic – I talked specifically about this in one of my foundation posts. I though wanted to write a short thing here.

There is a big difference between a person calling themselves a Master or a Mistress that want a total power exchange dynamic and a person calling themselves that and are just basically wanting to be spoiled and catered to. The many aspects we talk about like control, discipline, kinky things, domination and so on are active day to day things that a Master must have a passion for doing. Being spoiled and catered to is not power exchange.

For example many of the do not get it types wish to have that 1950’s wife. I call these people the time warped ones. The reason why is because their view of a 1950’s actual wife is just plain delusional. Traditional gender role relationships (1950’s) had females responsible for the domestic work and the man was the final say in many things but there was very little power exchange going on. In other words the 1950’s did not have the wife dressed or undressed to their husbands liking greeting him with his favorite beverage on her knees blowing him before dinner then go finish preparing and serving dinner that she made with great effort and consideration to his liking and approval.

So a Master needs passion for the actual power exchange dynamic and not just wanting an end product of being spoiled, catered and deferred to.

At least a touch of domineering personality – First and foremost domineering does not mean asshole or abusive. It pretty much means overbearing. A good Master will have an aura about him that to his slave makes her fall deeper into feeling more submissive when interacting with her Master.

I like please and thank you from my Master as much as the next slave even though both of us know it is an order but I would not want them with every thing that is asked of me in our communication. Same with tone as all unemotional like without passion would just flat out suck. The fact is at least some domineering personality goes a long way in helping create a healthy power exchange environment and flat out bring good things and feelings to a slave like me. Now personally I do not like a little domineering personality but I like a ton but I also know this is not normal. But at the same time those Masters who get a thrill out of saying how they never do anything with passion(a voice raised or not polite) which includes actively controlling their slave and come across as dispassionate professors as their personality I can guarantee you have trouble holding onto a slave in a 24/7 TPE relationship.

For example, I am the answer to the question of who would go out with an asshole like that when you would see my man have my coat and tell me we are leaving in an absolute tone and prefer that over him asking, even if we know it is an order if I am ready to leave. The latter I follow but the former literally gets me sexually excited.

At least a touch of sadism – There has to be a better term and would take suggestions but I am not necessarily referring to liking to give pain to another when I use sadism. What I am trying to get across is a quality in a Master that can enjoy making their slave suffer in some way.

What I repeat often in this blog is simple. People with submissive personalities do not need a Master or any agreed upon power exchange dynamic to be happy. They will spoil and defer to whoever is their significant other. People who identify as slaves have submissive personalities who enjoy, desire and crave being dominated. Domination is what the Master brings to the table in forcing their will and control on their slave. By definition this has to be some things that a slave would not want to do otherwise there would be no need to be in a power exchange relationship.

So a Master who can only order and control knowing that their slave gets direct pleasure in the act is not really dominating but facilitating and will lose respect from the slave as they are not getting the fuel they need which is being truly dominated.

So in some way a Master or Mistress must enjoy making their slave suffer which is dominating and controlling them in a way which they do not want or enjoy for the actual thing itself. It can be actual sadism of enjoying inflicting pain and seeing tears and hearing cries and other direct action things to making your slave do things and taking great pleasure that they suffer purely out of love and devotion to their Master but there has to be a strong element of pleasure received by the dominant doing something(s) that are in fact active domination.

Conclusion

When talking about qualities toss off the qualities that every one should have. A dominant a slave will serve should be a good person and therefore have those qualities. Basic qualities that all human beings should strive for does not make one better or special because of a title or thinking one has a “code” that includes these basic human qualities.

The qualities I mentioned and certainly others that slipped my mind can be qualities everyone should have but at least for a total power exchange relationship one is wise to find a Master or Mistress that has these particular qualities oozing out of them AS WELL AS being a good person.

Successful Long Distance Courtship

There are many who say that internet dating or long distance relationships cannot be done but here is not one but both a success story.

Background

I am more move friendly then most. I have moved seven times and lived in two different countries, two different cultures, and five states before I turned thirty. The current state I was living in I had only been there a few years and no family was there so my ties were just not there outside of my enjoyment of where I worked.

Career wise as an RN I am extremely fortunate to have opportunities pretty much everywhere so finding a job was not a problem. Overall, I just was not anchored and for that reason alone made my journey to move to another state to be with my Master easier then most.

Early contact

We met on my site of preference where he wrote me a beautiful and fairly short message which I have saved and look at often still today. It was three paragraphs long and summed up me and what I was all about like he just got me. It was creepy and exciting all the same time.

After that it was exchange Emails and telephone calls for a little over three weeks until I traveled to him to meet the first time.

First Meeting

Despite the erotic fiction out there and maybe a more power exchange romantic thought of a first meet I did not meet him nude in my hotel room. I did not take orders from him on our first date. We acted like any other couple on a first date, of course three weeks of incredible dialog and so much in agreement it did not feel like a first date after the first fifteen minutes or so.

Rest of the Weekend

Did normal couple things and no orders or anything construed as kinky and every second becoming better then the next. We did have sex; hey if you read this blog you can get an accurate picture I have said no to sex very few times in my entire life.

Next weekend

He came to visit me and more cool couple stuff, sex and yes are first foray into the kinky things. Everything went awesome and the morning before he left we had our first serious sit down discussion mapping out and agreeing to how we wanted to proceed and agreed to give over power when in his presence.


Must add we had also talked and we had both talk about and agreed to the need to build up from scratch and not dive deep in. So giving power over was not a situation where he would do something outrageous or not in context with where we were in the relationship. But both of us had zero desire, bonding point, to have our relationship be anything but power exchanged based. In other words we were not trying to establish a regular relationship and then move into a power exchange one.

What happen next

To quickly finish the timeline we spent the next six months slowly progressing into our relationship until he asked me to move in with him which by then was just a simple statement of fact as far as I was concerned. A little after six months I became his 24/7 slave in real time.

Our dealings with the distance

One of our bonding things were neither was interested in trying to keep up the dynamic through telephone and Email. When we were not together he did not control my life or give orders unless just for his fun.

I worked nights he works normal hours. Often during the work week there were some days any phone calls let alone long lasting ones were impossible. We simply agreed not to worry about this and never had an issue with one avoiding contact. In fact if William was writing this he might tell you that one of the things he liked best about me was that I did not require daily phone calls lasting hours. In fact he might rank that higher then I would be comfortable with. ;)

We were also fortunate because of or jobs flexibility and income levels that money was not an issue. With that we were able to never go more then ten days and usually a week or less without seeing each other. So this was six months with a lot of human contact and not just six months and three real time visits for example.

What I think we did right I have not read about a lot

1) We saw each other as much as possible and based it on our time together in real time then time spent overall together.

2) We made sure pretty much early on to make a conscious effort to try to make are time together as “normal” as possible. It could be so easy to just spend most of the time in bed for the few days we would have but we consciously avoided that temptation. I spent time cooking and cleaning for him and much to my stubbornness he would do the same too much. Because of my job I would have days off in the middle of the week and allowed the great opportunity to be with him for “mundane” days and not just “special weekends”.

3) We did not burden one or the other with trying to maintain the power exchange and M/s level when we were a part. Not saying people cannot do that but my belief it is different and not the same and if this causes one or both to get drained or drown over the pressure to do then that can be a major problem.

4) We only had our relationship be power exchange. To each their own but to me when trying to deal with long distance relationship is really tough then to throw in establishing a regular relationship and then transitioning into a 24/7 total power exchange relationship there is a ton of extra stuff there along with a different set of compatibility issues to just move without that already working as best as it can.

What I think we did wrong

Nothing my Master is perfect and by default that makes me perfect. ;)

1) Did not make enough effort establishing relationships with other people in the new city. This is difficult for me to do in general but the early months would have been way better if I had spent more time with his family and some of his friends. I would have been more comfortable when he was away so much that part was a struggle.

2) We assumed that we had everything covered. We did not both in the dynamic, feelings and our general self. If I was to do it all over again I think we would have had several sit down serious conversations early on so we both were on the same page.

So there you have it one successful long distance relationship into a total power exchange relationship. Granted our circumstances were more ideal then most to give us maybe a better chance at success but still those who say it cannot be done here is my tongue sticking outside of my mouth!

Love and Respect

Two words that seem so simple and harmless yet often can be wielded like weapons in life. Some use it to take what they want from another “If you love me” or “Show me some respect”. Some use it as an imaginary shield to protect themselves from being hurt “I will only do that for the person who loves and respects me”.

My Mom is a sociologist and in my lifetime I think I have heard her express herself in the same way a thousand times when seeing or discussing anything about different cultures or just people in general. She will basically say “You cannot observe and understand anyone else if all you do is view things through your own perspective and values but have to understand them through their own perspective and values.”

Often when I hear the same questions/statements of “How can a person do that to a person they love and respect” or “How can you live life not being loved or respected” so many times from my time in this life that my Mom’s answer always rings in my head like she is screaming it in my ear. I thought I would try something a little different then my normal post and write something to explain how someone like me is loved and respected by my Master. For many of you this will be head nodding time and maybe for a few other who are confused or trying to understand their path or someone else that a peek into my head might help.

Love and respect on our terms

I am a slave. This does not make me weaker and lesser of a human being to anyone else. It also does not make me stronger or better then anyone else as well. It is just the best fit for me in life.

I am a slave. It means I live a different life then from most others. It is not a life of hardship and selfless sacrifice. It is a life that just gives me the best possibility to pursue and sometimes embrace the feeling of happiness. I am as selfish and greedy as the next person. Acts you may see me perform or endure are not selfless at all but serve the bigger purpose of my selfishness in the way I want to live and feel.


I do not respect and obey my Master out of fear. I obey him out of my love and respect I have for him as a person, our chemistry we have together, his values, personality and how he treats me. My Master does not order me around and cause me great suffering at his whim because he does not love or respect me for I would not be with him. My Master orders me around and causes my suffering out of love and respect for me as he knows, accepts and embraces that I need and enjoy very much him to do such things for himself.

Love and respect are not expressed in universal agreed upon actions. For many women coming home to an unexpected freshly clean house, nice dinner in the oven and your man greeting you at the door with flowers would be a great show of love and respect. For a slave like me, while that would not suck on many levels would also have levels of disappointment and anxiety; I would greatly prefer to meet him at the door with the house spotless, his favorite meal in the oven and his beverage of choice.

I am a slave so when a non slave might see disrespect, no love and possible abuse when seeing my Master inflict pain on me even though I am not masochistic, make me drink his piss even though I dislike the taste and eat a meal from a bowl on the floor I actually feel loved and respected because my Master is embracing and showing devotion to our mutually agreed upon dynamic.

I am a slave. I am not wired to want my other to always want my opinion let alone consider or cater to my desires in the in the now moments such as where to eat or what movie to see. My Master doing that is in fact not loving me or showing respect. Loving me is for my Master to pick the place or the movie of his preference or care for my opinion and maybe use it or not when he wants to.

I am a slave I am do not want to be made love to like my orgasm is the number one priority of the interaction. I want my Master to get off the most enjoyable way for him at the time. Whether it is lighted candles, long foreplay, gentle thrusts and build up and long cuddles afterwards or wham bam as quick and hard as he can roll over and fall asleep makes no difference to me as long as it is what he wants.

Please take all normal men who show love and respect through commonly accepted ways for yourselves. They leave me cold and full of anxiety. Give me the domineering, sadistic and devilish Master I have now and hopefully will have forever. He knows, accepts and embraces that treating me the way he treats me like I have mentioned above is showing love and respect for me and the regular common ways would show he does not love or respect me at all.

I am a slave not a regular person wanting some role play.

Experience: The Big Nothing

Warning the following post might come off as very snarky and negative toward dominant men who regardless the reason they do it promote their experience and the importance of experience as phenomenally important and special. I will not say my snarky negativity on this topic would be misinterpreted because that is exactly my intention to deflate this concept.

In my time in local communities and other public communications maybe the most guaranteed thing to come across is dominant men who consider themselves experienced metaphorically shouting from an imaginary pedestal just how special and important that is. Conversely at the same time want all submissive women to know how bad and dangerous men who have no experience are.

Of course life is only slightly a billion times more complex then some generic word experience in how it gets tossed around. It also fails to hold up to any semblance of logic, is a put down to all submissives because it insinuates we can not look out for ourselves and it wrongfully tries to trump so many other more important compatibility issues. In fact just the mere attempt to take an intangible thing like experience and use it to try to make something that is inherently intangible (finding our other) tangible is a joke in itself.

Why promoting experience in this way is so stupid?

Here is a list of things one can be “experienced” with and what will emerge as a pattern to why trumping experience to be vitally important is so obnoxiously stupid and self serving.

1) “I have years of being involved in my local community for years. I have taught seminars on impact play and bondage. I can give you references from many people who I have demonstrated on”

What does this have to do with a power exchange relationship? All this states is a person who already knows how to play with some of the toys and they behave well in front of others. Well for the life of me I do not know a submissive woman in a relationship going “We have so little in common and do not enjoy being around each other, but that does not matter because he knows how to play with the toys from the first time we met.”

Also, being safe with others is just that being safe with others. Couples do 99% of things together in private and we all know people can act far different in private then in public. I work in an ER and have to deal with abusers and abuse victims far too often and most act like gentle selfless people.

Stating you play nice in a public setting does not make people who do not play in public settings dangerous by deduction. My Master makes me feel the safest I have ever felt in my life and had never done anything in public in his life of this nature.

2) “I have trained and been with a certain amount of slaves over a certain amount of years.”

The question a woman like me would ask would of course be “How come none of them stayed with you or why cannot you pick the right one for yourself?”

Do you see women lining up around the block from a man proud to communicate “I have been divorced four times.” Most of us would not call such a person an expert at marriage and in fact most of us would question if they had even one clue about marriage.

Volume does not translate to expertise.

3) “I have only been in one relationship with my wife for a certain amount of years.”

Now I will be less snarky on this one because it would be considered an asset to me personally for someone to tell me this. At the same time though what this person had with their one slave does not mean they can have with another person or anything else that is somehow transferable to be tangibly important over many other aspects.

For example, in one local community I was active in there was a man offering $100 to anyone who witnessed one particular couple communicate anything along the lines of power exchange dynamic outside of top/bottom play only. They passionately thought of themselves as Master/salve but none of us saw anything including plenty of public and private parties and often words to convey any sense of obedience from her were sarcastically slammed down by her as a no way in hell I am like that reaction.

One great relationship you had does not mean you will be a great Master with anyone.

4) The constant attempt to paint new people and/or others who are not active in local communities to be extremely dangerous.

This is by far my biggest slam on dominants who directly or even indirectly promote this concept. It has only become worse since I found my Master who never participated in a local community and only had ever done top/bottom bedroom type stuff.

For one it is a huge put down on a submissive female like me. Basically since puberty women have had to learn to take care of themselves and be able to learn and tell a safe man from a dangerous man. Obviously some women fail at this but for the most part most of us are pretty darn good at it. Why men who have never experienced aggressive people of the opposite sex who are always physically having the ability to overpower us think they have better observational powers in this area is completely beyond me.

Second this simply holds zero logic. Everyone has to get experience somehow. If new people are dangerous because they are simply new that means by logical default the windbags who preach that garbage were dangerous and therefore could still be dangerous. But of course ask them and they will tell you some noble story that shows that was not the case with them. Guess what, that is probably a true story but the giant hypocrite inside them refuses to believe that people they know nothing about might also learn in a very safe way.

5) The old scare tactic “I have seen or heard so many horror stories of new dominants sending someone to the ER.”

This is the classic use vague anecdotal evidence to make anything that a person says more believable. Well I have spent most of my career working in an ER and out of around the ten cases I have seen over the years come into the ER that were BDSM related only one was from a clueless couple. All others were long time couples who failed to remember their age or became over confident got themselves in trouble.

I see the same idiotic argument with people who ride motorcycles. Some sort of build up of false bravado as ask pretty much any rider about the dangers and they almost always say the same thing, it is really only dangerous for the inexperienced and foolish people. Well the many riders who I have seen wheeled into my place of work and almost all of them that can respond will give one of two replies. 1) I cannot believe I did that. 2) It was some idiots fault. They almost all claim years of riding and if idiots do cause crashes then that is something one cannot eliminate completely by experience.

When people use this experience angle it is obnoxiously self serving and ill logical. Often that is what a submissive is going to see as well.

In a nicer way why experience is not more important than or as important as anything else when a submissive goes looking for their long term one.

Look at it this way, ask anyone about any type of relationship dynamic out there the same question “what is important for the relationship to be a good one?” and you will not get one answer that will include experience in the answer. The reason being is there are a lot of important compatibility factors that go into making a good and healthy long term relationship go.

Just off the top of my head a couple needs to be compatible in areas like how they want to live, where they live, children, how to raise children, enjoy being around each other, enough common interests to want to be around each other enough, relationship dynamics and in a power exchange relationship a specific way in that area. There are most certainly a lot more then what I just listed.

The fact that a submissive is automatically eliminate anyone who is looking for a slave for long term who does not have “experience” is to severely limit the available pool.

In addition to this, in a big way no matter if one or both have a ton of direct experience when we get with someone new we start over building trust and finding what is going to work between the two people.

Finally, for many people like me, why would I eliminate a person who might be my long term other based on a criteria that is easy to fix when so many other things that are key are either there or not.

No, I am not bashing experience

I think experience can only be an asset and one that a person should mention as a positive. I just believe it is not only an error in judgment but depending on how you communicate this belief can be incredibly arrogant, self serving and insulting to pretty much everyone.

What I do think experience is a good thing is for two reasons.

1) Experience shows that a person has sustained in interest in at least some aspects and reduces the odds it is a flight of fancy type thing with the person. The gung ho then settle after awhile in a regular relationship can happen but in my opinion there are plenty of signs well before you commit to a long term situation to not obsess over this fact.

2) A person with experience in the toys might let the people go deeper faster IN THAT AREA when they start in that area. Not really relevant when talking about a long term relationship.

My personal experience

When I met William he had only some top/bottom bedroom play that was totally conditional stuff. He had literally no experience in power exchange or doing anything in the kinky area where the other did not get off on it in the moment.


But we hit it off on so many other levels that the time for us to grow together in this particular area was meaningless. He liked the fact I would debate him on subjects we disagreed on while still being perfectly obedient. He was drawn to my passion for my job. I was drawn to his perfect personality and the fact hero worship was not his goal but a natural enjoyment of controlling another and feeling his clear passion for the more kinky things.

Master William is not some special man. He is an ordinary man who is special for me and I hope vice versa. It not only took months for us to trust each other, to learn about and from each other in all things including the kinks but we are closing in on two years together and still a work in process to where we want to be of just the things we know about.

Despite my experience and his natural sadism it took months for us to do extensive things our play with more dangerous toys. Despite my love of all things watersports it took him months to trust my words and for him to indulge without worry in that area. I personally learned I would not want to trade any of these experiences and building up of things if William had previous experience and we could have moved maybe faster.

The same with the power exchange dynamic. If anything I think it helped greatly that William had no experience. Instead of trying to jump to a destination we it might have been easier or more on the front of our minds to explore every nook and cranny and see what works best for both of us.

I look back and while there was a lot of hours reassuring each other and endless test runs that one or both got nothing from but they were totally worth it because when you are a fit with another and that extra special thing is there it breeds a feeling like one I have never felt certainly.

Conclusion

It is not that experience is neither an asset nor a person who prefers experience in their other that is the problem when the term is brought up. The problem is promoting experience as some sort of vital ingredient when it takes so many ingredients to make a successful relationship work.

For most people with a mature and healthy outlook in life, experience is not going to be a make or break factor and to also include fear in promoting experience is somewhat insulting to us. Look at it this way male dominants, when you go looking for your long term someone do you eliminate a woman based on them having short hair all the while knowing they can grow it out? I think not.