Reading between the lines

Just felt like a little blow off steam but tried to pull it off with a lame message. Comes out a little too mean spirited on the person I use, but you really have to know this person.

Often when we rush into something or wish for something we ignore all warning signs and things end up biting us on the butt. I know a certain Mistress personally from over a decade ago, my how time flies. I see her pop up on all the message boards. Now I have referred to her in this blog as my favorite fake dominant because she has enough theoretical knowledge, experience of some nature and is active in local and even wider national community to look legit but underneath the outer coating is a major does not get it person.

Anyway I was reading her profile and just had one belly laugh after another. She has actually grown in many ways since I last knew her and her personal life but the growth is still that classic fit wishes and preferences backward into an M/s philosophy. Here are some lines I am paraphrasing but not distorting.

I am a poly Mistress. I am looking for two to three slaves that are service oriented in nature. I consider myself hetro-flexible although I prefer males but will consider an outstanding female. I expect my slaves to understand that a good slave is only concerned about obeying my orders, directions and pleasing me. A slave should only add to a home and not detract from one.

I do expect you to maintain full time employment. I am not insane and know that depending on the number of slaves living with me that with full time employment that sometimes you will not be able to do all the duties required of a good slave. I am willing then to do things although I will do only the ones that least bother me.

I am not into punishments as good slaves should have self discipline and a work ethic. I will reward slaves in the kinky things for outstanding work. I do require you to initiate sex but always respecting no and not to ever harass me about it.

Now I will break this down and with my personal knowledge of her and my former owners who know her all too well and have known her and many and I mean many of the men who fooled themselves thinking she was a Mistress. I will decode these words. I will be honest I will guess most of you can decode these words without knowing her.

I am a poly Mistress. I am looking for two to three slaves that are service oriented in nature. – After twenty years of looking for a slave that would put up with me not lifting a finger I am now deeming myself poly and seeing if multiple slaves will add up to me not lifting a finger or any effort toward my slaves.

I consider myself hetro-flexible although I prefer males but will consider an outstanding female. – I was totally straight until I turned forty. In fact I use to make degrading comments and was quite the homophobe including lesbians. But I really hate lifting a finger at home and if a female can help with that I will consider it. But she will never be recognized other then a friend that lives there at best.

I expect my slaves to understand that a good slave is only concerned about obeying my orders, directions and pleasing me. A slave should only add to a home and not detract from one. – Seriously I am warning you I do not engage or go out of my way for other people including people I want to live with. Do not expect me to visit your parents with you, go to a wedding with you unless it is for someone I know and just in general no demands of my time just because we are in a relationship.

I do expect you to maintain full time employment. – Please all losers calling yourselves slaves as a way not to work, forget about it.

I am not insane and know that depending on the number of slaves living with me that with full time employment that sometimes you will not be able to do all the duties required of a good slave. – I tried this for a long time and this seemed to be a big issue as it seems a good slave willing to work full time, do all domestic work, do landscaping and major house improvement projects is just a myth. I have now accepted I maybe should get multiple mediocre slaves so all the work gets done.

I am willing then to do things although I will do only the ones that least bother me. – If at anytime all I could get was one slave, I am now willing to do a few things in order to make sure they do not bolt on me. What has happen to this world?


I am not into punishments as good slaves should have self discipline and a work ethic. I will reward slaves in the kinky things for outstanding work. – I really have absolutely zero interest in anything kinky and do not get even the most basic elements of power exchange. I have several things I am an expert at but please understand that my only interest in learning them was so I can demonstrate and preach in local communities to have some needed street cred to try to fool them. I have not learned anything new in over a decade and never ever attend/paid close attention to someone else’s demonstrations and seminars. I am a narcissist and do not have time for those lowly people unless they compliment me or make me feel better then them and I place them well above my slaves although I will never admit it.

I do require you to initiate sex as I will not but always respecting no and not to ever harass me about it. – This is how desperate I have become. In lieu of one real and true slave I now have to offer the hope of sex just to get one to talk to me. I really am completely asexual and I am not even sure I will give you anything more then a hand job once a year. But I have gone through all the males in my local community and have gained the reputation of no sex ever and that seems to be a major stumbling block. I mean I do not get it, in all my local community involvement and message board activity I get on my ordained great big pedestal and constantly preach practically in every breath how sex has nothing to do with the power exchange life and slaves should only have one desire and that is to please their owner. I mean every time people talk about sex I am often there to brow beat them with my latest intellectualized theory that dismisses the importance of and need of sex that I strung together alone in my house after getting dumped again. People should have learned and seen the light by now! But no they have not and now I have to resort to pretending sex will be in the relationship. Can you imagine just how hot that sex will be if it does happen?

Yes, this was mean spirited. I could make up some noble reasons as evidence for my points but I will leave it as is. Yes, you can also make the case for plenty of codes words and phrases for submissives and even break them out by gender. In fact that was what I wanted to do with this post but clearly wanted to rip this woman instead, maybe in a future post I will get to those.

Sometimes the clues are not really hidden that deep

Often people have to wait a long time to find someone that might interest them and the person is interested in them back. Often we can grow frustrated and start becoming too hopeful or willing to try to get anyone after awhile that remotely fits. But that is where trouble can start.

On paper this women at first glance can look ok. Experienced so one might think she is serious and knows what she is doing. Does offer kink and sex and does not come straight out and say no to these things or asks for money and tribute. Does not come out and clearly indicate only wanting free labor. Even blowing by the need the man to initiate sex can quickly be justified as she likes sometimes to feel more like a woman and get seduced. So I can see why so many male submissives have made the mistake in hoping this woman could be their Mistress.


But if you do step back and question the language it is all right there. Hetro-flexible basically means, not that all who use it would agree, that one of the sexes really does not do it for me but I can be sexual with them if it fits the relationship. That should say why does she open to the female as she is not married it is just her and she also writes strongly prefers men. It means she want stuff done for her. It truly is a red flag whenever a dominant communicate a slave should only be concerned for their owner’s desires and nothing else. That can really only mean a selfish inconsiderate person or a clueless does not get it, so do not toss that out when you read it thinking standard life cliché. It should be a giant clue that she will not initiate sex. Think about it, a dominant wanting a 24/7 slave. If she had a sex drive she would at least sometimes initiate sex, even women slaves and regular women initiate sex from time to time. Do not get lost on thinking well she did say she would put out. You’re a slave how much do you want to have sex with a person who will clearly express not wanting to?

So instead of wasting time and becoming burned out and frustrated by chasing anything, whether live or in cyber save the time and energy and choose who will be best for you and not what you just hope might be a fit. Read or listen to the words they will leave al the clues you need if you look at them close enough and objective enough.

Oh Know! Punishment!

I must admit to maybe taking too much pride in trying to truly be a to each their own philosophy both in life, in total power exchange relationships and kinky things. Obviously I am far from perfect but I at least like to obnoxiously think I am more to accepting differences then one way type thoughts. I must admit though that when it comes to whether punishments are needed in TPE relationships and even ones that are less severe that I have a tough time in buying into the people that proclaim that they have no such thing in their relationships.

I was just reading an article in the paper about another study that came out that showed punishment with children is not effective in correcting their bad behavior. These studies no matter children or in other areas like prisoners always conclude the same thing. The things that always bother me are two things; they always take a generic punishment form and apply it to many different circumstances and history of human behavior shows punishment being used everywhere.

We punish children by quiet time and taking away good stuff. We screw up at work we are punished by lower raises, not getting promotions or getting terminated. We punish in regular relationships the withholding of sex, not doing something out of being pissed and various passive aggressive actions. Then why are their some who insist that punishment is not in their relationship in a severe power exchange relationship. If not something laid out and structured for consistency then to pretend punishment of the regular couple variety does not take place is difficult for me to imagine.

Why do I think having punishment in an M/s relationship is important.

(Obviously many others think so to and I am not any great mind coming up with some thing new)

Quite frankly to me it just seems like a natural part of the dynamic. There is my Master who I have given power over to control me. I am not perfect or always in a super submissive and focused mood. There are a lot of things done that can be dismissed that quite simply would not destroy our relationship. But that is not what we are going after in our relationship. Punishment gives us both what we need to help the commitment and maybe more importantly SHOW our commitment to the TPE dynamic.

For a slave to know your owner not only cares enough about the dynamic but is willing to make effort in their life to work on the dynamic by not blowing off mistakes and random junk and to actually take the time to discuss and administer a punishment is a big deal. It is a big deal for an owner to know a slave is not giving lip service to the dynamic but willing to walk the walk. Do we not hate people you use the words “I am sorry” as a get out of free card in life. I know I get sick of people who treat other people badly and think an “I am sorry” makes it ok.

Another reason for me is like it or not it is motivation to stay true. I like knowing if I do not do something or break a rule that something will probably happen. It helps me not only to be my best but it is freeing me from junk thoughts like “what does it matter” or “he will never know”. Punishment is not only a determent but it is also a natural state of the relationship communicator. It provides a god place of communicating things one or both do not like and can bring out bigger picture things that may be eating away when the two people talk it out.

The last reason I think punishment is important is that to me it helps greatly when done well in helping out with the power structure, boosting the atmosphere and gives an outlet to take care of issues without resorting to passive aggressive behaviors people so often do. As I wrote in the beginning of this entry I do not buy into no punishments in relationships concept. To me if one does something upsetting then it can either fester or cause someone to react in a less then healthy way. All this can combine with issues growing into mountains when they could have been stomped out very easy when they were molehills.

Why do some seem obsessed about not having punishments?

Quite honestly I see three main motivations for the people who argue against or claim their relationships are punishment free.

1) Not wanting to make the effort. Many relationships that go in to power exchange are often people with firmly agreed upon job duties that is more about structure and commitment to that structure then actual power exchange. The dominant male wants the 1950’s wife and a willing bedroom submissive and the female submissive that wants an alpha male and to be a bedroom submissive. But neither group wants to ever do things they naturally would not do or make any effort in investing in the relationship when it comes to actual power exchange.

2) Quite simply both gender and roles that have issues with their ego and self esteem. The concept of out in the open punishment goes to chip away the delusion they enjoy and create using power exchange that they are awesome as themselves or their other is awesome therefore by deduction they are awesome. These are people that when discussing punishment never come close to getting or acknowledging aspects of punishment like penance and the moving on. There the submissives that communicate the disappointment of doing something wrong is punishment enough. They cannot admit to anything less then perfection either in themselves or their relationships and punishment simply does not compute with openly admitting to non perfection.

3) Those that use the reward system to re-enforce good behavior. I know it sounds so cool and right does it not? Well a tip of the hat to my favorite fake but really experienced Mistress who uses this system. The old be a good slave and I will feed you some sex and/or kink. I wrote about this in a whole blog entry here but why it is idiotic is that is not a power exchange relationship or domination at all but someone with no dominant ability or no effort wanting to be spoiled and asking how much will this cost me and paying it in kinky things.

Issues and myths about punishments

1) I do not want to fill my relationship up with a bunch of junk. I could not agree more but that would only happen if you were stupid enough to have so many things in your relationship like too many rules or rituals or think absolute perfection in very insignificant things is a punishable thing. So if you are spending more time looking for things or worry about missing punishable things then you may want to change things and throw some of the rules or ways you deal with things.

2) I would be too nervous and walking on eggshells for fear of screwing up. Pretty much the same thing as one but again from a slave’s standpoint but there is a big difference in worrying about doing things to avoid after plenty of time that they should be secondhand and finding the right balance where over time everything is secondhand.

3) I am a mature adult and not a child. Punishment is for the immature and the too emotional people. No punishment done right takes the emotion out of things and helps the people discuss things and move on. Those who are too mature are the ones typically not dealing from an honest place and will let emotions fester and act out in non healthy ways.

Punishment is not really about screwing up

Punishment to me is a vital component of a significant power exchange relationship. Not because we must point out disobedience or rule violations whenever they happen, but that there is something in place to deal with things that make a dent into the dynamic and for both sides to have an open and healthy way to deal and move on. We are not perfect human beings and while some like to think maturity and mastering of themselves can deal with things with perfect open communication, the fact is most of us will fail often enough to cause problems. I do not want to live in a relationship that is normal and that includes dealing with problems when they pop up as well.

I want to write more about the specific aspects of punishments, types and when to do them but will save that for another post(s).

No Angle. Just Be You.

One of the most common discussions between men and women is men will always bring up the lame thought of “why is it women are not attracted to nice men”. It is always one of those mind boggling thoughts men come up with as I do not think any women has ever gone I do not like nice men.

When getting into the power exchange life this topic just goes to another level as men debate this endlessly and with the usual finesse of doing surgery with a rusty hack saw come up with gross generalizations that just astound the brain.


Please men please discuss amongst yourselves what is nice and the best way for things as you measure the size of your cocks. The men actually walking over and talking to the women are the ones who will take us home and fuck us.

Women will decide if you are nice or not and not what you think nice is or if you are. There is a reason why sometimes the beautiful women are seen with ordinary men and people scratch their heads. The reason is because the men made the effort and pursued those women.

Women do not order men off a menu. They do ask a waiter for the best dominant man with a side of nice and are all set. Like men our options are the men who are interested in us and like it or not we are just not going to tap you on the shoulder and go I want you. We may hint up a storm or we may wait and hope but history shows a forever pattern of expecting men to make the moves.

Women in general but women who want sever power exchange relationships lust after men who are assertive. Assertive does not mean ass and it certainly can include being nice and classy. We have actual disdain and are repelled by passive men who do not show self confidence, the ability to have an opinion and cannot lead or make decisions.

It does not matter how nice and classy you are if you want to find a woman who identifies as a slave or sub with slave like tendencies as most men want bring the assertiveness and stop worrying about projecting “nice”. Let me be clear here, not projecting nice does not mean project jerk instead.

Men would you be insulted if you only thought women thought you cared about was the size of their tits?

Whenever I read about men debating nice that one note is all that I hear. It is this loud annoying one note. You of course when looking for a long term someone want a lot more then just one thing. Why do you think all women are only looking for nice when they meet you?

Women are looking for a lot of things just like you men are. One thing is nice but we also know nice when first meeting, whether in person or cyber, and nice by what we consider nice is two different things. So when making contact with a woman if you obsess over trying to communicate you are nice and this hides other qualities you are destroying your chances.

Are you fake?

Whenever I read or talk to men where the subject of nice comes up that is what I really hear. Because often men will reel off stories of how they specifically tried to be nice or even tried to be “jerks” like “other” men they see. In power exchange the words change to the more common I talk to this woman as an equal and not all dominant like.

Well are you intentionally or even unintentionally putting on an act and not being yourself because the woman will not respond to that. Seriously whether live or in cyber most women will get a sense if they are being played or not and that will get you the dust off. So the next time you think you want to come off as nice, come off as dominant or come off as assertive you have sent to your own mind to not be you. That will always come with a risk.

Men I know so many of you want the secret code to unlock all women as potential slaves for you. But there is none. Thinking of a way to act or specific words have a universal magic spell to cast over women that wins them over is a waste of time.

Always be yourself!

Three words and all the advice I can give you. I have no magic words to give you. I have no concept of what nice and assertive can be to be universally accepted as nice and assertive. I have no concept of what will make a women think that is the one. Stop wasting your time on the thought of nice or a jerk, polite or rude and casual or demanding. Those other men that claim what they do works great because that is what they do are liars.

Whether you think you are nice or not do not worry and realize that is up to the woman to decide. Whether you are assertive or give off the vibe of dominance or not is also up to the women. If you project an act all that will cause is trust to be destroyed when you can no longer keep it up. If you think that you will flip a switch and turn from super vanilla man to super dominant man in your personality that is not going to happen. Acting a role either before or after will not cut it.

So please stop worrying about if women want to see this and just be yourself. What do you care if a woman does not want you if you show who you truly are. Think of it as a blessing of time not wasted because you played them with an act. It just takes one special woman for you and I guarantee you that woman will find you nice and all dominant like for who you are and not what you project.

Stop worrying about style when communicating and spend that time working on the substance of the communications. Nice guys do not finish last but actors playing do.

Demystifying Sadism

Whenever sadism is discussed in this life it is often surprisingly how many definitions one could come up with by the responses. But peeking back once you removed fear, prejudicial preferences and dictionary dynamos it is not really a confusing topic. The topic just gets confused because it is a powerful word that makes sometimes even the most “experienced” amongst us tread carefully or sometimes unfortunately gives a platform of self promoters who can uses the built in fear the word has.

One of the problems is the word sadism is pretty universally thought of as a bad word so people even in this life run from the word. When I first got into this life the first thing that I think stunned me the most when talking about the life was just how politically correct most people approach it. To discuss sadism most of the time you will get either the sociopath definition or you get the romantic version of a top doing it for a pain slut (masochistic). Well there are things in between and when in the context of total power exchange sadism can bring much to the table if an owner is a sadist in some way and the slave is either masochistic and/or has a power fetish.

The following below is just a few vague definitions/labels to see where sadism rangers in this life. I do not separate physical and emotional sadism. They can appeal to different people and be limits as well. I preach that because you do one does not make the other more dangerous if it is a limit and therefore do not separate them.

Sadism types

1) Sociopath Like – People who enjoy inflicting pain and do not care if it is consensual or what damage it is causing. Obviously have nothing to do with the power exchange life although many who are not into sadism would like to convince most this is what makes up all sadists.

2) Sadism Fetish – People who enjoy inflicting pain and seeing the others reaction and do not care if the other enjoys it and maybe enjoys it more if they do not. These people are loving and caring people who have no desire to inflict pain on a person who does not give their consent.

3) Sensual Sadists – The most common way dominants define themselves in power exchange life. They ONLY enjoy inflicting pain on someone if the other person enjoys it (masochistic). Then they enjoy both the pain and the reaction of the other. I think if you spend enough time in local communities or try to get in good at some Chat/message board site most dominants will call themselves this. I personally do not believe all are like this and some are from #2 but to fit in and not be looked upon in disdain or just in self denial adopt this definition.

4) Top Sadists – Like #2 few admit this one then there actually are. These are people that really get no pleasure from inflicting pain but enjoy seeing the masochists enjoy their time and if in a power exchange relationship enjoy the benefits of a happy and disciplined slave.

5) Got to do what you got to do – Just people willing to give pain for discipline and punishment in a power exchange relationship because that works best for the people involved and dynamic. Not really sadists but have the ability to actually give pain.

What can sadism bring to the table in a significant power exchange relationship?

1) The more we like something the more we want to do it – For most in any significant power exchange relationship the submissive partner probably enjoys on some level pleasing their dominant. But in addition to this they enjoy submissive levels and the more intensive things done in terms of play or active domination the deeper the submissive level we feel and keep for longer stretches. Pain being inflicted on us is intense and will deepen submissive level. That is what goes on when you here submissive people in strictly domestic discipline relationships feel off or in strong need of a maintenance spanking. Not the pain but the way it makes them feel afterwards is the need. Being paired with a sadist can be more opportunity to benefit in this way.

2) Masochistic Pleasure – Pretty self explanatory. If you are masochistic having a partner into sadism is going to be pretty important. Many dominants will be capable of inflicting pain as that is something most learn they have to do in some way at the minimum when learning about the life. But if a slave is truly into receiving pain and you find yourself with a person not really into it but have done it to please you the odds are good it will taper off or always be a issue that is brought up by the slave and that can lead to problems.

3) Power is the fetish – I wrote extensively in the hypertext link if one wants to read about this in a whole blog entry. But this is what I would arrogantly guess is a vast majority of submissives who call themselves slaves and live in significant power exchange relationships have this particular attraction. For me personally I have it obnoxiously so. I lust after being dominated and being dominated by doing things I enjoy and want to do anyway is not domination. So the dichotomy of pleasure my Master gets from doing something or seeing me suffer by doing something I hate is just pure carnal and emotional bliss. Because I am owned by a man who gets turned on by inflicting pain without needing my pleasure and enjoys that I am not getting pleasure is an awesome compatibility thing with us. I suffer and get a deeper submissive level. He smiles and gets aroused and we have ourselves a mutual life is awesome time.

Sadism is not bad

I do not think anything I have written has been earth shattering or controversial. But I did want to do my part in promoting sadism in a more honest way and for the sadists out there that often have to hide their personal enjoyment of inflicting pain on someone that it is ok to be public about this. There are plenty of women out there like me that absolutely go nuts for a man that can get off by making us suffer and sadism of some type is quite awesome.

Please instead of only handling the polar ends of the discussion that we normally limit the discussion to in public know that those are not the only two options. That you do not have to play what would you like slave to inflict pain or be locked up in prison or a mental health facility. That you know there are plenty of slaves whether masochistic or not that enjoy a dominant and takes tremendous pleasure to suffer for the dominant’s pleasure in inflicting pain.

Ignoring as a Punishment

Na na na na, I am pretending you are not there!

I have been trying to write something on punishment for awhile now and just have not gotten my passion into the topic but I do want to write about ignoring as a punishment.

As a form of punishment there may not be one more black and white then this one to people. Some swear it is effective and some swear it is relationship suicide. The truth is it simply depends on the people and the situations but often if one thinks ignoring is a good punishment for most things they are being very short sighted and lazy.

Psychology lesson 101 of stopping bad behavior is to not reward bad behavior. This is the foundation of all those who argue ignoring as a good punishment. The problem with this is it is clearly about stopping bad behavior only. Punishable things are all not about bad behavior and one must also dive into the cause of bad behavior. If it is just bad behavior for no other reason then it is someone’s way to get something they want then ignoring is an effective punishment. But what if the bad behavior is being caused by something else? The child being cranky is not fixed by ignoring him to he stops being cranky if this is being caused by a lack of sleep. More sleep tends to be the answer. This is what gets dominants in deep trouble when they try to practice ignoring as a catch all punishment.

Ignoring as a potentially good punishment

Basically as I wrote above that when there is a behavior happening without underlying causes that one ceases to stop. Then only ignoring when the person is acting this way is beneficial. Also it is critical when imposing ignoring as a punishment to communicate it ahead of time and for the specific reason(s). These things not done then it becomes a bad form of punishment and see number one in the next section.

I see this area in three things but that does not make them two clear cut things.

1) A slave being to needy – Now there is a compatibility factor to being too needy. But for this purpose let us assume that this is a not often thing that one would question the relationship on a whole but something that comes up on occasion. There are times when maybe a slave will get too into wanting interaction with their owner on a power exchange level. Things like always wanting an order instead of just living life or putting their immediate desires even if they are to bring pleasure to their owner over what the owner wants in the moment, I think ignoring is a perfectly acceptable punishment.

2) When a slave acts out to get some discipline/play time – Again if the slave is seeking just some enjoyment from these things is the assumption and not because they have lost there proper submissive level and are just struggling. In the former ignoring is potentially an excellent punishment as it would discourage topping from the bottom antics and hopefully with communication of what the owner prefers would encourage alternate positive ways to communicate the slave would like these things.

3) It becomes all about them – Sometimes or some slaves when we do something that causes problems or hurts our owner it can devastate us. The problem is sometimes or some slaves obsess so much about what they did they simply lose focus and compound their mistake(s) where the over reaction becomes the issue both are dealing with. Ignoring the over reaction so the slave can get back to focusing on the problem can be a useful thing. But this is a fine line thing best done in a long term couple situation.

How to destroy your relationship (When ignoring is plain old stupid and dangerous)

1) Using it as emotional blackmail – If you are upset at something a slave did ignoring becomes not about dealing with the issue and moving on but it becomes about passive aggressive poor behavior of lashing out at your slave. It simply comes off as you hurt me and now I am going to hurt you. That is just not positive behavior and a quick way to destroy a relationship as you leave the slave reeling with bad emotions and feeding insecurities that do no one any good.

2) When there are specific reasons for the behavior that causes the punishment – Did the slave act out because she was desperate, very different from just wanting, for some power exchange attention like a discipline session and was hoping that at least some swats on the ass would at least help. Sure the slave should have communicated that instead of trying something else but how does ignoring help the slave? It does not it just goes to re-enforce what was lacking in the slaves life. What about if the forgot to pick something up at the store? Ignoring is not really going to help that but depending on the amount of times it happens a punishment more about penance then ignoring would be more appropriate.

3) Out of sheer laziness – This is what often comes out of using ignoring too much, an owner who is just doing what is easiest for them and with no real care or effort to do what is best for the relationship and the dynamic.

4) When the slave has already worked themselves up about the punishable offense – This is a fine line to #3 in the section above when discussing it in theory but probably easier to recognize in real life. Simply put you have a slave that is heading in the direction of emotional tilt and it is simply not wise to ignore as that will only make the slave actually go tilt and you are into #3 section above but with two issues and possibly a no win scenario.

So do you really think ignoring is a good old utility punishment?

Remember the goal of punishment is not one note or all about the Master dealing. It is about two people acknowledging the punishable offense, penance, forgiveness by both parties and moving on. In all of these things hopefully for certain things that require long term changes to not commit the same act over and over gives the slave thought and reflection in what was done and how to be better. A punishment that just stresses them out is not one that helps reflection.

Sure ignoring can be effective if your idea of punishment is to drive the slave into an emotional mess. But here is a simple fact. Each time you go to the ignore option you are creating a break from your relationship and dynamic of some type. The more often you do it the less effective it can be and often the slave will stop looking at it as punishment and start looking at it like they are owned by a immature child and you got some serious trouble.

So you can hang on the old to stop bad behavior is not to reward bad behavior as an over simple excuse for what is often an easy out. Or you can always do what people with problems are ALWAYS recommended doing and that is talk things out and come up with an active plan. If that plan includes ignoring then go for it.

Domineering is Sweet

While writing my two part manifesto on the error of one path local community behaviors and the dangerous fear spewing of some older male dominants a common finger pointing concept was always popping into my head. Often people feel the need to persecute and stereotype dominants with domineering personalities as big ass fakes and even worse abusers.

Of course there are people out there that take two seconds of creative thinking and decide being dominant means being overbearing and rude and of course a person that does that could be abusive. But to label anyone who has a domineering personality as a fake dominant and/or an abuser is beyond lame and no different if I and others wrote all the men who cannot rule with passion and claim to never have to raise their voice as fake and unbelievably wimpy losers.

But I do not want to rant in this entry. This entry is one slave’s preference and love for the dominant with a domineering personality. I also get that preference for a Master that has domineering oozing out of him is for very few of us and I am not even remotely trying to convey there the best. I do though contend a little domineering is a very good thing and good luck finding a slave who lusts over power being used on them that wants a dispassionate professor type.

One slave’s love of a domineering Master

I am a TPE slave that has a fetish for power being used on me. I do not think taking those two bits of information that I am all not that opposed to being controlled and love living with a man who has no issue of how to express his power over me. Whether physical, mental or verbal I have a thing for it. It makes me feel more submissive and it flat out turns me on. It is all good.

So this is one slave that digs a domineering personality. A man who will act passionately, be demanding and overbearing. To me these are the spice of life; help greatly with the atmosphere of TPE. Maybe what makes domineering so hot to me that it feels to me way more natural to be with a domineering man when things that constitute TPE and/or kinky happen. It can feel so much more natural when it comes off in the same or very similar personality then when a more demanding personality from another type pops out.

I like polite requests that we both know are orders and compliments like any other person but not all the time. I am in a power exchange relationship let me live it that way. I am not in a cool contest or look how well trained I am by slight verbal commands and anticipating needs is somehow equated to be some arbitrary sign of the greatness of a Master.


Give me the man who just tells me to shut up if I am talking his ear off then invoking some talk protocol number. Let me feel what he might be feeling it helps me comply and turns me on. Give me a man who sometimes just grabs my arm or my hair and forces me to where he wants me to be out of a natural move instead of someone who makes it feel like it is a planned scene because it probably is. Give me a man that can communicate to me in no uncertain terms he knows I am his and is going to do what he wants with me and not a man who acts like he thinks I am his and needs my constant approval in what he orders. Give me a man who does something to me and his only reactions was acknowledging his enjoyment in doing it and/or what he might do next time to enjoy it more then a man who uses the word scene and needs to know how and why I enjoyed it. Give me a man

I am a grown up woman. I can determine what is best for me. I know when I am happy and what turns me on and I know when I am unhappy and being treated poorly. Domineering does not mean making the receiver unhappy and treated poorly. Treating power exchange by being dispassionate and “cool” whenever does not mean automatically being a good and safe Master.

Being domineering because one thinks that how one should act is lame. But it is also lame to think not being domineering is how one should act. For this slave give me a domineering man like the one I have. His personality is just one of the many things that I love and turns me on.

Embracing Your Way Part Two

Fear Spreading Self Serving Jerks

Mean title for people I have a true disdain for. These are all the full of it people who are truly pathetic and dangerous human beings in this life that for total selfish reasons that can vary need to portray themselves as not only all knowing but also know all others and surprise all others seem to be very bad people. These men are so screwed up or just plain old desperate that they have resorted to having to tear all others down to feel good about themselves or to get pathetic narcissistic ego fixes.

Why on a supposedly part two title on embracing our way these men get a whole post? Because these men are everywhere where M/s is discussed and they will stop at nothing to convince women submissives that their words are all wise and perfect and to preach fear and paranoia as the main weapon to convince these women. This goes completely opposite of education and a person learning what is best for them which is usually the lie that they pedal in trying to convince these women they are selfless and all about helping them. They are the biggest obstacle in a person reaching out to other people on this life while still being able to guide oneself to one’s own path.

The grand sketch of such a loser

Age: Usually over the age of forty but primarily will be found in their fifties and sixties.

Relationship Status: Usually single but plenty in long term relationships that they will admit to. What they will lie about is that these relationships are not M/s but very mild D/s or not power exchange at all and they or their spouse has lost complete interest in the more fun aspects of the relationship such as sex and BDSM.

Motive: To either snare a much younger woman then they could never possibly expect to or to score some narcissistic ego fix by thinking only they can help an inferior submissive woman or another who I show the light and agrees with my exact views and ways makes me awesome.

Ways they go about this:

It can be just one to all of the following means.

1) Spread fear and paranoia – The often used phrases I have seen no true source “If the devil did not exist then man would have to create him”. Well for men like this it is more like “there are bad men in this world and in M/s but I benefit if I convinced as many women as I can that most if not all the men but me are the devil”. They really on scaring women with worse case scenarios and make it look like the devil is everywhere.

2) Promote themselves as selfless human beings that just enjoy helping women new to the life – This is the classic wolf in sheep’s clothing approach. Often use phrases like “I feel obligated as an experienced Master to share my knowledge”, “I have seen so many bad Masters and seen so many women after they have abused them that I feel the need to help” and “my only motive and enjoyment is to help”.

3) Want to just be your friend – They just want to help you out. This tact is usually used by the men who especially seek out the damaged or at least they think is damaged woman.

4) Mentor propaganda – These men push mentors as being the only way you can learn and be safe. Any women should always first have a mentor and learn from them and are they not just the generous type to offer to do that for them.

The actual tools:

1) Anecdotal Evidence – They always know of women who were abused and/or found themselves in a hospital. These women always were with men that were a) younger b) not as experienced c) not a part of their local community.

2) Personal Experiences – These men seem to have experienced everything in their life. Come across every problem and found a solution. Have mastered every possible kink with years if not decades of experience. They have helped countless women all superior then they were before they left him for just the coolest reasons.

3) Prey on wounded, scared and mistrusting women by actually feeding their fears of this life, their own issues like making poor choices and help feed all their insecurities. Then fool them into thinking they have found someone who has their best interest in mind and start their narcissistic feeding frenzy.

The actual damage and destruction they breed:

1) They distort the reality of this life – Imagine if what their world view was actually true. At some point during time, usually just after they learned how to be superior Masters, all ability to learn in a safe and smart manner ceased to exist in the world. Imagine all the emergency rooms overflowing with badly hurt women every Friday and Saturday night. Imagine all of the worlds problems that involve women could be fixed by them spending time with these men.

2) There the primary promoters of limited paths. There entire self value is feeling superior to others and for others to believe and do what they say. It is not that what they usually have to say is bad. But it is bad when what they have to say is though communicated by it is the only way and done by fear anything else.

3) They are more likely to be abusers then the people they are calling abusers are. Abusers are weak self esteem challenged, same as many of these men. They often seek out weak women and get them to depend on them and feed off believing they are better then these women, same as many of these men. They often make a women feel low and think they are stupid and cannot trust their own instincts and experiences, what do think these men are doing when they feel the need to help and protect vulnerable women? Are then all or many of these men abusers? Hell no. But I am just writing I willing to bet their pool has the same percentage of abusers if not higher then any other group they point a finger at.

4) They force good people from both roles and genders to waste time and potentially screw up their own personal best path. Instead of doing actual good in taking their years of experience and leaving it at that they attack all who are not them and people have to waste their time dealing with them in all types of places we discuss this life.

Always remember it is your own path not another’s

So are all men over fifty and enjoy sharing their experiences, like younger women and helping people evil. No not by a long shot. But the men I am talking about are very easy to spot from the good guys. They do not share what THEY know and leave it at that. They share what they think they know and tell people it is the only way. They do not just share and help if asked. They feel responsible and the need to share and help the less fortunate. They are not selfless like they promote themselves. They are extremely selfish and want to feed on their intended victims.

This life may seem very different and in some ways scary. But it operates on the same principles as a regular life. What life experiences you have had, what experiences with men in judging and trusting them and how well you trust you instincts and make good choices. If these are thing you struggle with before you thought about a power exchange life the answer is not tossing out all of these things and putting your fate in the hands of a self promoted all knowing savior who claims to only want what is in your best interest. There are no selfless people out there. A person who sees a person struggling like that is not going to stoke your fears, confirm your “weaknesses” and promise the moon. A person who truly cares for you will want to see you get in a place where you can make your own choices and trust your own thoughts. These are not fictional selfless strangers, they do not exist. These are family members, long time friends and professional help that get paid and are trained to help in such matters.

People that help others help calm them, help open their eyes and calm their fears. They do not shout fire holding an empty gasoline can and a lighter in one hand and a hose in the other.

Your path is your path. Do not let other people tell you there is only a few and especially one.

Top Pet Peeves About Message Boards

Hey where else to be cowardly opinionated but in a blog entry. In no order of importance and some specific to this life but some relate to any message board. Those offended, I fully admit to be guilty of some of these on occasion.

1) Writing essays and posting them for people to comment on. – There is nothing wrong with a well thought out and communicated thought. But it is important not to be so lengthy or have so much different things to comment on that attention and focus waivers for the readers. It is also very narcissistic to post a whole essay you wrote, especially when it comes off like you are the first to think about it. That is what blogs like mine are for. ;)

2) Whether innocent or not and whether consciously or subconsciously never plagiarize another person’s comments without giving a shout out to them. – There is nothing wrong in writing something you believe that is the exact same thing some one else wrote and even if it is written similar or different. But even if you already had the thing written out before reading other replies if some one else said something very similar a quick thing like “I agree with” somewhere in your post is proper etiquette.

3) Read the other replies before posting – There are many reasons for this. The thread could have been completely hijacked. The original poster might have cleared some things up in additional postings. Avoid the look of ripping off another(s) post. But it is especially rude to write “I have or did not read other posts, here are my thoughts”. It comes off as rude and very narcissistic.

4) Male dominants promoting themselves. – There are always some coming into message boards because they have been told it is a good way to advertise themselves. The problem is they left the idealized fantasy life of thinking their view is special and better and others are all losers that isolation can bring. They tend to start idiotic topics that sound good in their head with the intention of making themselves look good; topics like “Most dominant men are big fakes and only I know what I am doing” junk. They are never prepared to actually interact with intelligent and experienced people in the life.

5) Speaking in third person – If your other and you think that is cute or helps you feel submissive to do that then by all means do that between yourselves. To force it on others is just annoying. Grow up and be an adult and communicate like an adult. If you do not do that with work and family, do not do it on a message board.

6) The world is not in need of your response. - Do not feel the need to respond to every thread on a message board. If all you can add is “yuk”, “hard limit for me”, hijack the thread for a lame joke or pun and other things while adding nothing to the actual discussion then why post something.

7) Get over yourself. – A message board for most means active discussion for the people writing and reading in a particular thread. Just because you post a lot on a board and/or have written the same thing over and over as topics are constantly repeating it is phenomenally lame to bash people because you are tired of a topic coming up or even lamer providing a link to another thread and in particular your response in that previous thread. I have seen message boards get destroyed or severely damaged by regular posters who fool themselves into thinking that the message board is all about them and their entertainment and advice and not let others enjoy openly discussing things in a fluid setting. Collarme’s message board is very famous for having this problem.

8) Commenting on something in a way you have no business commenting on in that way. – I have zero problems and often enjoy reading things from posters on subjects they do not know about. But I despise people commenting on things that infer they have experience in something they do not. Classic example is a bedroom bottom commenting on M/s 24/7 things by only writing about personal experience. A topic like punishment comes up and one or many of these will respond “My Master never punishes me” or “My only desire is to please my Master”. You are a bedroom bottom by definition you have many more desires and why would your man punish you, he has no agreed power over you to punish you!

9) Commenting on kinks you do not do by only going yuk, sighting specific safety reasons in a tone that comes off a judgmental if others do those things and calling it or deeply inferring it is abuse. – To each their own and stop using an important topic like safety as a way to make yourself feel cool and superior. I can guarantee you I can look at your life and find things you do that are much more dangerous then the ones you make a comment on. Plenty of topics ask about safety to share that information on every kinky thing. Let people discuss what they are into or want to explore and not feel they have to justify it or ignore the thread because a bunch of post addicts hijacked the thread by going “yuck” or “not safe”.

10) Using anecdotal evidence or personal experiences to validate your opinion as factual theory or dismissing other people’s opinions as flat out wrong. – As an RN that actually works in an ER/Trauma center all those convenient stories of new male dominants and non local community dominants sending naïve submissives to the ER or morgue is laughable bull shit. Just the cases I have seen that easily 75% of them involve an older couple that have been doing it together for years and just got to cocky. Does that mean anyone over the age of fifty is an abuser? Of course not! Anecdotal evidence is cheap, lazy and very misleading. Personal experience is just that personal and totally biased by personal preferences and perceptions. If your words cannot form a good opinion or thought using these things to make a point rarely make your opinion more eloquent.

Embracing Your Way Part One

“I can't speak for others whom I don't know. All I know is that we all have our own journey. My journey will be different from yours. We may cross paths in the future; we may not. I am not going to tell anyone what their journey should be.”- Have no clue who is credited with writing this

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.” - Paulo Coelho

I offer up these two quotes as when read most would conclude statements of the obvious. To translate these quotes to a phrase we here often when people like us get together to discuss things in M/s and in general all things in the category of kinky is “To each, there own”. A beautiful sentiment that many can quote but few follow. The human condition often has two things that can fight each other. The need to feel special and the need to fit in and unfortunately for some when this gets combined with a dash of self esteem issue it comes out “I am awesome and all others like me are awesome because they validate my being awesome. Those different must be trashed as they tarnish my view of how awesome I am”.

I wanted to write on what I found extremely troubling and one of the main causes I left being active in local communities which goes to these points. Be like us or you must be a loser often perpetuated by the older males in the group as they fight father time and looking to justify their delusional thinking that somehow older makes them all knowing and superior.

This is my under the belly of local community snob behavior and witch hunt actions.

Defend Local Communities

Defending local communities is actually quite easy to do. In fact I will always recommend anyone new to the life to seek out one in their area and become active for at least a little bit. They provide comfort and camaraderie with others that helps us accept we are not alone or screwed up for enjoying these things. You can learn a ton about the toys and how to use them as well as other things that will help you access what health risks there are and which ones you will avoid and which ones you will take on. For those you might take on there is also information how to reduce such risks.

Certainly in looking for a partner seeing someone in person and over time has advantages then doing it through a computer as well. For those who are just not sure what they are about a local community can expose you to some of the kinky things to try and see what your reaction to is. For instance, you may think you are a pain slut but find out pain sucks or pain without emotional feelings for the giver sucks.

What local communities’ lack of which is no fault of their own.

Local communities tend to not do a very good job of two things in my opinion in the three communities I was active in and hearing from others:

1) They tend not to do a very good job of communicating just how big the tent is in this life. 2) They really do a naturally poor job in accurately discussing the power exchange aspects and focus more on the kinky things. This often distorts reality and can make someone lose their way in finding a relationship.

The main reason is people gather in social groups because they share the same values and beliefs often. A local community is not any different. Those different can be shunned, not feel comfortable and leave or simply get nothing out of it and leave. Over time this leads to instead of a big tent getting discussed and explored it becomes a tiny tent with all who are inside sharing one or few beliefs.

Another problem is that often live has more of an impact and also pressure to be that way. A live seminar will always be more convincing then reading it from a book or cyber. But the truth is 90% of what goes on will be the same teaching. Exposing you to the risks of things and steps to minimalize the risk if you choose to do something but the 10% that is basically a complete variable and can be life changing for people gets taught one way in a seminar far too often.

Finally I would like to mention peer pressure. Most people feel it even if it is not cool to admit it. When in a group dynamic a person is going to be pressured to follow the herd. It just is not conducive to finding your own path at no fault but just simple psychology.

The slippery slope

I now want to start getting into the areas that can be a fine line that often get stomped on and turned into one way manifestos that I find troubling.

One of the main things all of us who dive into the life must deal with is casting off what a good man or woman is and how we are to behave from what we grew up looking at and being preached how to. Combine this with what most find scary when first entering is a very big hurdle to overcome. One of the ways we overcome it is by having common standards and ways to do things. To be able to know what to expect because others have the same expectations of how things should go, how to do certain things and to hear other people stories of going through something similar is a huge help.

The problem becomes when this communication of common or similar ways and experiences gets turned into the false view of the one way is the right way and all others are the wrong way. Right or wrong are almost always subjective and therefore often idiotic. The dominant giving a seminar on punishments that you may not get while all others are nodding their heads in approval does not make it gospel and you are not enough of something. The guy laughing at the speaker and leaves ten minutes in may not be a fool but just this person’s views are not his.

Combined all of the things I have written you have the perfect ingredients to make up the storm I think does the most damage in this life and that is the one way truisms disease. An artificial loosely made up view/instruction manual of what is cool and what is not cool. What is the “right” way and all others are the “wrong” way. The be like us or you are screwed up and dangerous to yourself or others.

A personal example of what I am talking about

The basic laws we should all be able to agree on is when doing things the top/dominant needs to be in control of himself and go at a speed and intensity that they have the ability to go and can read the other person they are with. That there are risks in all the things we do. That boundaries and safety words have to be respected in a zealot manner.

But that is not how many and especially many in local communities operate. That is too individualistic and does not have group validation principles. Let me throw this out. I love face slapping. I love it as an attitude and focus adjuster when I am off in those areas. A good slap to my face really works well with me. I love it when my Master just does it for his fun. Then it is a big turn on to feel his power and confidence over me.

But to bring up face slapping in a local community would get gasps. People calling it dangerous and others calling it emotionally troubling and most definitely give off the impression that face slapping is not something to be done without the expertise of some grand experienced Master if at all. Are they wrong to call it dangerous and potentially emotionally troubling, no they would be correct. The problem is so are all the things we do.

S&M play with a cane is dangerous but does not get the same reactions. There are plenty of people who have plenty of other mental triggers do to being physically abused or cannot do S&M but does that prevent the local community police from doing them no. Plenty of women are devastated by being raped and sex is no longer something they can enjoy. But do we point fingers when discussing rape play with our love one. No we do not.

The ONLY difference between something like face slapping and all the other physical impact or limiting things that local communities rarely act so judgmental on is simply, that face slapping is not part of the routine that they are comforted by.

End of Part One

Our paths are individual. Local communities offer many great benefits and wise things to learn. They also inherently preach one path for many with peer pressure to fit that path and not explore your own. No one is wrong that this happens but it does happen. Peer pressure, to get along often means shared views and values and a level of inbreeding limits the exploration and exposure of the big tent and often shrinks the tent.

We are all on our own path. We must find our best way and not for others to tell us what this way is. In the end we answer to ourselves and not to others.

In Part two, I will tear apart all the people who preach one way truisms for their selfish ego and greed.