Attitude Adjustments

This is one of those very touchy subjects. It is really for only a small minority of us even in the labeled category of slave.

This topic hinges on perspective so I will keep this rather short and personal.

When talking about adjust, discourage or train a slave to only be in certain types of welcomed moods or not letting any “attitude” issues inject into the relationship by some sort of rule that would be punished and in particular punished with physical pain you get into this topic being one that tends to freak people out. Of course like many things in this life in particular things people have not experienced and/or will not do people often tend to be fearful, dismissive and only imagine worse case scenarios.

This is because perspective can be so different. To talk about basically a Master hitting a slave because they do not like their mood or attitude sounds to most just horrible because the only scenarios they think of is some abusive ogre smacking his helpless nonconsensual spouse. But life just has more variety then that.

Perspective

In general toss out people who play these things primarily in their local community. They often cannot think anything other then toys and scenes when it comes to anything that hits on what happens in a public dungeon or taught in a public safety lowest common denominator first situation.

In general toss out anyone that really does not identify as a slave who practices it on a pretty severe level. If one does not buy into one’s Master is the center of the Universe for the most part then they are not going to understand the concept of a slave willing to try to get their mood altered or trained to not be something.

In general toss out self obsessed people who suffer from serious illnesses like depression and Bipolar. They are unable to distinguish that other people have the ability to distinguish the difference between something serious that they have, something that cannot be adjusted or something that can. They can only zone in on when they go into their depressed state that is serious and cannot be helped by this.

In general toss out the drama queens who take everything that happens to them in life and over analyses it. People who question everything done in their relationship like it is life or death this is too dangerous of a thing for them to talk about let alone actually do.

Scientific Experiment

Personally I know for myself and other that instant physical punishment to help us deal with a attitude or mood issue is a good thing we welcome having our Master having some control or ability to try to deal with. Many will stress in no uncertain terms that anytime an owner punishes for a mood that is abuse. But I find that safety police nonsense and coming from a small mind or just someone that lacks the ability to see things from other personalities and experiences.

So I propose, because I do know this is true, a research project. Go to an active message board on power exchange life and search for two topics. One topic of this thing specifically and see all the safety police and the public players cry abuse and dangerous. See many claim this is idiotic and cannot be done.

Then search for threads that talk about doing things exactly similar but based on the slave requesting it. In other words all the submissives who ask for some sort of discipline session because they are not feeling quite right or would like to snap out of a mood they do not like. See many of the very same people claim do not ever do in the former threads go this can work and we do it often in these types threads.

What is the difference? Nothing really when knowing that in long term healthy and loving relationships your spouse is going to know you so well to know when a mood or attitude can be adjusted and when it just has to be played out but that does not work in the public forums that this life is talked mostly about.

My Experiences

For me I find getting punished physically right away for mood and attitude non slave like to be a good thing that I actively desire in my relationship. Quite simply and shocking to some I like a good face slap or knee buckling nipple squeeze when my Master takes exception to something in this area and thinks it can be corrected by doing these things to me.

My personality, life and M/s relationship this has a strong place for it to be beneficial to me. I love being a slave and being slave like in terms of loving, lustful and happy to be in the presence of my Master when I am. I work twelve hour night shifts most of the time several in a row. I work in an ER where bad stuff often happens. All of this tends to get me way off kilter in terms of energy levels and moods which does impact my ability to focus and be where I like and can be. There are just times that the best thing for me is a solid slap to my face to get my focus back where I want it let alone my Master.

In our relationship we take the dynamic and devotion to it very seriously. It is as big a part of the relationship as any part. Because of this we do not keep score or dwell on the non perfect or screw up times. It is one of the big reasons I am such a proponent for M/s relationships to have an agreed upon and practiced punishment component. In any type of punishment component the it is a benefit to needs to be a yes in some way and a punishment that does nothing or causes bigger problems and issues is of course bad.

Again for me personally, to get my mood or attitude pointed out as being less then desired or what both of us want in the relationship and punished by hours or days later some type of punishment is quite ridiculous and ineffective. But a quick pain punishment gets the behavior fixed the most productive way for me and we move on.

It is never apples to apples

Something like this is probably not for many. It does not make one special because it is in their relationship and it does not make it abusive and dangerous because it will never be in your healthy and loving relationship.

There are many types of dynamics, personality types, bad life experiences and mental and physical health issues that a Master administering physical punishment to adjust mood and attitude will not work and could be very dangerous. But remember for some of us in long term healthy and loving relationships where trust and love is not questioned by either party if this aspect works for the two then the dangers are not as great. Still be careful and communicate absolutely.

Sometimes my Master hits me and I simply go sorry for my current behavior but that did not or will not help at this time. I am a slave in a total power exchange relationship that I am in love with my Master and in ecstasy of our relationship dynamic and his devotion to it. In it he is a sadist that for enjoyment gives me pain nearly everyday that people in this life get gushy in thinking, talking and doing it. I am not a vanilla chick masquerading my role. Even a not so cool pain that did not work or Master did not read me right is not something to panic or dwell on.

Long term means remembering all the actions and not just the last one.

Oh Know! Punishment!

I must admit to maybe taking too much pride in trying to truly be a to each their own philosophy both in life, in total power exchange relationships and kinky things. Obviously I am far from perfect but I at least like to obnoxiously think I am more to accepting differences then one way type thoughts. I must admit though that when it comes to whether punishments are needed in TPE relationships and even ones that are less severe that I have a tough time in buying into the people that proclaim that they have no such thing in their relationships.

I was just reading an article in the paper about another study that came out that showed punishment with children is not effective in correcting their bad behavior. These studies no matter children or in other areas like prisoners always conclude the same thing. The things that always bother me are two things; they always take a generic punishment form and apply it to many different circumstances and history of human behavior shows punishment being used everywhere.

We punish children by quiet time and taking away good stuff. We screw up at work we are punished by lower raises, not getting promotions or getting terminated. We punish in regular relationships the withholding of sex, not doing something out of being pissed and various passive aggressive actions. Then why are their some who insist that punishment is not in their relationship in a severe power exchange relationship. If not something laid out and structured for consistency then to pretend punishment of the regular couple variety does not take place is difficult for me to imagine.

Why do I think having punishment in an M/s relationship is important.

(Obviously many others think so to and I am not any great mind coming up with some thing new)

Quite frankly to me it just seems like a natural part of the dynamic. There is my Master who I have given power over to control me. I am not perfect or always in a super submissive and focused mood. There are a lot of things done that can be dismissed that quite simply would not destroy our relationship. But that is not what we are going after in our relationship. Punishment gives us both what we need to help the commitment and maybe more importantly SHOW our commitment to the TPE dynamic.

For a slave to know your owner not only cares enough about the dynamic but is willing to make effort in their life to work on the dynamic by not blowing off mistakes and random junk and to actually take the time to discuss and administer a punishment is a big deal. It is a big deal for an owner to know a slave is not giving lip service to the dynamic but willing to walk the walk. Do we not hate people you use the words “I am sorry” as a get out of free card in life. I know I get sick of people who treat other people badly and think an “I am sorry” makes it ok.

Another reason for me is like it or not it is motivation to stay true. I like knowing if I do not do something or break a rule that something will probably happen. It helps me not only to be my best but it is freeing me from junk thoughts like “what does it matter” or “he will never know”. Punishment is not only a determent but it is also a natural state of the relationship communicator. It provides a god place of communicating things one or both do not like and can bring out bigger picture things that may be eating away when the two people talk it out.

The last reason I think punishment is important is that to me it helps greatly when done well in helping out with the power structure, boosting the atmosphere and gives an outlet to take care of issues without resorting to passive aggressive behaviors people so often do. As I wrote in the beginning of this entry I do not buy into no punishments in relationships concept. To me if one does something upsetting then it can either fester or cause someone to react in a less then healthy way. All this can combine with issues growing into mountains when they could have been stomped out very easy when they were molehills.

Why do some seem obsessed about not having punishments?

Quite honestly I see three main motivations for the people who argue against or claim their relationships are punishment free.

1) Not wanting to make the effort. Many relationships that go in to power exchange are often people with firmly agreed upon job duties that is more about structure and commitment to that structure then actual power exchange. The dominant male wants the 1950’s wife and a willing bedroom submissive and the female submissive that wants an alpha male and to be a bedroom submissive. But neither group wants to ever do things they naturally would not do or make any effort in investing in the relationship when it comes to actual power exchange.

2) Quite simply both gender and roles that have issues with their ego and self esteem. The concept of out in the open punishment goes to chip away the delusion they enjoy and create using power exchange that they are awesome as themselves or their other is awesome therefore by deduction they are awesome. These are people that when discussing punishment never come close to getting or acknowledging aspects of punishment like penance and the moving on. There the submissives that communicate the disappointment of doing something wrong is punishment enough. They cannot admit to anything less then perfection either in themselves or their relationships and punishment simply does not compute with openly admitting to non perfection.

3) Those that use the reward system to re-enforce good behavior. I know it sounds so cool and right does it not? Well a tip of the hat to my favorite fake but really experienced Mistress who uses this system. The old be a good slave and I will feed you some sex and/or kink. I wrote about this in a whole blog entry here but why it is idiotic is that is not a power exchange relationship or domination at all but someone with no dominant ability or no effort wanting to be spoiled and asking how much will this cost me and paying it in kinky things.

Issues and myths about punishments

1) I do not want to fill my relationship up with a bunch of junk. I could not agree more but that would only happen if you were stupid enough to have so many things in your relationship like too many rules or rituals or think absolute perfection in very insignificant things is a punishable thing. So if you are spending more time looking for things or worry about missing punishable things then you may want to change things and throw some of the rules or ways you deal with things.

2) I would be too nervous and walking on eggshells for fear of screwing up. Pretty much the same thing as one but again from a slave’s standpoint but there is a big difference in worrying about doing things to avoid after plenty of time that they should be secondhand and finding the right balance where over time everything is secondhand.

3) I am a mature adult and not a child. Punishment is for the immature and the too emotional people. No punishment done right takes the emotion out of things and helps the people discuss things and move on. Those who are too mature are the ones typically not dealing from an honest place and will let emotions fester and act out in non healthy ways.

Punishment is not really about screwing up

Punishment to me is a vital component of a significant power exchange relationship. Not because we must point out disobedience or rule violations whenever they happen, but that there is something in place to deal with things that make a dent into the dynamic and for both sides to have an open and healthy way to deal and move on. We are not perfect human beings and while some like to think maturity and mastering of themselves can deal with things with perfect open communication, the fact is most of us will fail often enough to cause problems. I do not want to live in a relationship that is normal and that includes dealing with problems when they pop up as well.

I want to write more about the specific aspects of punishments, types and when to do them but will save that for another post(s).

Ignoring as a Punishment

Na na na na, I am pretending you are not there!

I have been trying to write something on punishment for awhile now and just have not gotten my passion into the topic but I do want to write about ignoring as a punishment.

As a form of punishment there may not be one more black and white then this one to people. Some swear it is effective and some swear it is relationship suicide. The truth is it simply depends on the people and the situations but often if one thinks ignoring is a good punishment for most things they are being very short sighted and lazy.

Psychology lesson 101 of stopping bad behavior is to not reward bad behavior. This is the foundation of all those who argue ignoring as a good punishment. The problem with this is it is clearly about stopping bad behavior only. Punishable things are all not about bad behavior and one must also dive into the cause of bad behavior. If it is just bad behavior for no other reason then it is someone’s way to get something they want then ignoring is an effective punishment. But what if the bad behavior is being caused by something else? The child being cranky is not fixed by ignoring him to he stops being cranky if this is being caused by a lack of sleep. More sleep tends to be the answer. This is what gets dominants in deep trouble when they try to practice ignoring as a catch all punishment.

Ignoring as a potentially good punishment

Basically as I wrote above that when there is a behavior happening without underlying causes that one ceases to stop. Then only ignoring when the person is acting this way is beneficial. Also it is critical when imposing ignoring as a punishment to communicate it ahead of time and for the specific reason(s). These things not done then it becomes a bad form of punishment and see number one in the next section.

I see this area in three things but that does not make them two clear cut things.

1) A slave being to needy – Now there is a compatibility factor to being too needy. But for this purpose let us assume that this is a not often thing that one would question the relationship on a whole but something that comes up on occasion. There are times when maybe a slave will get too into wanting interaction with their owner on a power exchange level. Things like always wanting an order instead of just living life or putting their immediate desires even if they are to bring pleasure to their owner over what the owner wants in the moment, I think ignoring is a perfectly acceptable punishment.

2) When a slave acts out to get some discipline/play time – Again if the slave is seeking just some enjoyment from these things is the assumption and not because they have lost there proper submissive level and are just struggling. In the former ignoring is potentially an excellent punishment as it would discourage topping from the bottom antics and hopefully with communication of what the owner prefers would encourage alternate positive ways to communicate the slave would like these things.

3) It becomes all about them – Sometimes or some slaves when we do something that causes problems or hurts our owner it can devastate us. The problem is sometimes or some slaves obsess so much about what they did they simply lose focus and compound their mistake(s) where the over reaction becomes the issue both are dealing with. Ignoring the over reaction so the slave can get back to focusing on the problem can be a useful thing. But this is a fine line thing best done in a long term couple situation.

How to destroy your relationship (When ignoring is plain old stupid and dangerous)

1) Using it as emotional blackmail – If you are upset at something a slave did ignoring becomes not about dealing with the issue and moving on but it becomes about passive aggressive poor behavior of lashing out at your slave. It simply comes off as you hurt me and now I am going to hurt you. That is just not positive behavior and a quick way to destroy a relationship as you leave the slave reeling with bad emotions and feeding insecurities that do no one any good.

2) When there are specific reasons for the behavior that causes the punishment – Did the slave act out because she was desperate, very different from just wanting, for some power exchange attention like a discipline session and was hoping that at least some swats on the ass would at least help. Sure the slave should have communicated that instead of trying something else but how does ignoring help the slave? It does not it just goes to re-enforce what was lacking in the slaves life. What about if the forgot to pick something up at the store? Ignoring is not really going to help that but depending on the amount of times it happens a punishment more about penance then ignoring would be more appropriate.

3) Out of sheer laziness – This is what often comes out of using ignoring too much, an owner who is just doing what is easiest for them and with no real care or effort to do what is best for the relationship and the dynamic.

4) When the slave has already worked themselves up about the punishable offense – This is a fine line to #3 in the section above when discussing it in theory but probably easier to recognize in real life. Simply put you have a slave that is heading in the direction of emotional tilt and it is simply not wise to ignore as that will only make the slave actually go tilt and you are into #3 section above but with two issues and possibly a no win scenario.

So do you really think ignoring is a good old utility punishment?

Remember the goal of punishment is not one note or all about the Master dealing. It is about two people acknowledging the punishable offense, penance, forgiveness by both parties and moving on. In all of these things hopefully for certain things that require long term changes to not commit the same act over and over gives the slave thought and reflection in what was done and how to be better. A punishment that just stresses them out is not one that helps reflection.

Sure ignoring can be effective if your idea of punishment is to drive the slave into an emotional mess. But here is a simple fact. Each time you go to the ignore option you are creating a break from your relationship and dynamic of some type. The more often you do it the less effective it can be and often the slave will stop looking at it as punishment and start looking at it like they are owned by a immature child and you got some serious trouble.

So you can hang on the old to stop bad behavior is not to reward bad behavior as an over simple excuse for what is often an easy out. Or you can always do what people with problems are ALWAYS recommended doing and that is talk things out and come up with an active plan. If that plan includes ignoring then go for it.