Ignoring as a Punishment

Na na na na, I am pretending you are not there!

I have been trying to write something on punishment for awhile now and just have not gotten my passion into the topic but I do want to write about ignoring as a punishment.

As a form of punishment there may not be one more black and white then this one to people. Some swear it is effective and some swear it is relationship suicide. The truth is it simply depends on the people and the situations but often if one thinks ignoring is a good punishment for most things they are being very short sighted and lazy.

Psychology lesson 101 of stopping bad behavior is to not reward bad behavior. This is the foundation of all those who argue ignoring as a good punishment. The problem with this is it is clearly about stopping bad behavior only. Punishable things are all not about bad behavior and one must also dive into the cause of bad behavior. If it is just bad behavior for no other reason then it is someone’s way to get something they want then ignoring is an effective punishment. But what if the bad behavior is being caused by something else? The child being cranky is not fixed by ignoring him to he stops being cranky if this is being caused by a lack of sleep. More sleep tends to be the answer. This is what gets dominants in deep trouble when they try to practice ignoring as a catch all punishment.

Ignoring as a potentially good punishment

Basically as I wrote above that when there is a behavior happening without underlying causes that one ceases to stop. Then only ignoring when the person is acting this way is beneficial. Also it is critical when imposing ignoring as a punishment to communicate it ahead of time and for the specific reason(s). These things not done then it becomes a bad form of punishment and see number one in the next section.

I see this area in three things but that does not make them two clear cut things.

1) A slave being to needy – Now there is a compatibility factor to being too needy. But for this purpose let us assume that this is a not often thing that one would question the relationship on a whole but something that comes up on occasion. There are times when maybe a slave will get too into wanting interaction with their owner on a power exchange level. Things like always wanting an order instead of just living life or putting their immediate desires even if they are to bring pleasure to their owner over what the owner wants in the moment, I think ignoring is a perfectly acceptable punishment.

2) When a slave acts out to get some discipline/play time – Again if the slave is seeking just some enjoyment from these things is the assumption and not because they have lost there proper submissive level and are just struggling. In the former ignoring is potentially an excellent punishment as it would discourage topping from the bottom antics and hopefully with communication of what the owner prefers would encourage alternate positive ways to communicate the slave would like these things.

3) It becomes all about them – Sometimes or some slaves when we do something that causes problems or hurts our owner it can devastate us. The problem is sometimes or some slaves obsess so much about what they did they simply lose focus and compound their mistake(s) where the over reaction becomes the issue both are dealing with. Ignoring the over reaction so the slave can get back to focusing on the problem can be a useful thing. But this is a fine line thing best done in a long term couple situation.

How to destroy your relationship (When ignoring is plain old stupid and dangerous)

1) Using it as emotional blackmail – If you are upset at something a slave did ignoring becomes not about dealing with the issue and moving on but it becomes about passive aggressive poor behavior of lashing out at your slave. It simply comes off as you hurt me and now I am going to hurt you. That is just not positive behavior and a quick way to destroy a relationship as you leave the slave reeling with bad emotions and feeding insecurities that do no one any good.

2) When there are specific reasons for the behavior that causes the punishment – Did the slave act out because she was desperate, very different from just wanting, for some power exchange attention like a discipline session and was hoping that at least some swats on the ass would at least help. Sure the slave should have communicated that instead of trying something else but how does ignoring help the slave? It does not it just goes to re-enforce what was lacking in the slaves life. What about if the forgot to pick something up at the store? Ignoring is not really going to help that but depending on the amount of times it happens a punishment more about penance then ignoring would be more appropriate.

3) Out of sheer laziness – This is what often comes out of using ignoring too much, an owner who is just doing what is easiest for them and with no real care or effort to do what is best for the relationship and the dynamic.

4) When the slave has already worked themselves up about the punishable offense – This is a fine line to #3 in the section above when discussing it in theory but probably easier to recognize in real life. Simply put you have a slave that is heading in the direction of emotional tilt and it is simply not wise to ignore as that will only make the slave actually go tilt and you are into #3 section above but with two issues and possibly a no win scenario.

So do you really think ignoring is a good old utility punishment?

Remember the goal of punishment is not one note or all about the Master dealing. It is about two people acknowledging the punishable offense, penance, forgiveness by both parties and moving on. In all of these things hopefully for certain things that require long term changes to not commit the same act over and over gives the slave thought and reflection in what was done and how to be better. A punishment that just stresses them out is not one that helps reflection.

Sure ignoring can be effective if your idea of punishment is to drive the slave into an emotional mess. But here is a simple fact. Each time you go to the ignore option you are creating a break from your relationship and dynamic of some type. The more often you do it the less effective it can be and often the slave will stop looking at it as punishment and start looking at it like they are owned by a immature child and you got some serious trouble.

So you can hang on the old to stop bad behavior is not to reward bad behavior as an over simple excuse for what is often an easy out. Or you can always do what people with problems are ALWAYS recommended doing and that is talk things out and come up with an active plan. If that plan includes ignoring then go for it.