Embracing Your Way Part One

“I can't speak for others whom I don't know. All I know is that we all have our own journey. My journey will be different from yours. We may cross paths in the future; we may not. I am not going to tell anyone what their journey should be.”- Have no clue who is credited with writing this

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.” - Paulo Coelho

I offer up these two quotes as when read most would conclude statements of the obvious. To translate these quotes to a phrase we here often when people like us get together to discuss things in M/s and in general all things in the category of kinky is “To each, there own”. A beautiful sentiment that many can quote but few follow. The human condition often has two things that can fight each other. The need to feel special and the need to fit in and unfortunately for some when this gets combined with a dash of self esteem issue it comes out “I am awesome and all others like me are awesome because they validate my being awesome. Those different must be trashed as they tarnish my view of how awesome I am”.

I wanted to write on what I found extremely troubling and one of the main causes I left being active in local communities which goes to these points. Be like us or you must be a loser often perpetuated by the older males in the group as they fight father time and looking to justify their delusional thinking that somehow older makes them all knowing and superior.

This is my under the belly of local community snob behavior and witch hunt actions.

Defend Local Communities

Defending local communities is actually quite easy to do. In fact I will always recommend anyone new to the life to seek out one in their area and become active for at least a little bit. They provide comfort and camaraderie with others that helps us accept we are not alone or screwed up for enjoying these things. You can learn a ton about the toys and how to use them as well as other things that will help you access what health risks there are and which ones you will avoid and which ones you will take on. For those you might take on there is also information how to reduce such risks.

Certainly in looking for a partner seeing someone in person and over time has advantages then doing it through a computer as well. For those who are just not sure what they are about a local community can expose you to some of the kinky things to try and see what your reaction to is. For instance, you may think you are a pain slut but find out pain sucks or pain without emotional feelings for the giver sucks.

What local communities’ lack of which is no fault of their own.

Local communities tend to not do a very good job of two things in my opinion in the three communities I was active in and hearing from others:

1) They tend not to do a very good job of communicating just how big the tent is in this life. 2) They really do a naturally poor job in accurately discussing the power exchange aspects and focus more on the kinky things. This often distorts reality and can make someone lose their way in finding a relationship.

The main reason is people gather in social groups because they share the same values and beliefs often. A local community is not any different. Those different can be shunned, not feel comfortable and leave or simply get nothing out of it and leave. Over time this leads to instead of a big tent getting discussed and explored it becomes a tiny tent with all who are inside sharing one or few beliefs.

Another problem is that often live has more of an impact and also pressure to be that way. A live seminar will always be more convincing then reading it from a book or cyber. But the truth is 90% of what goes on will be the same teaching. Exposing you to the risks of things and steps to minimalize the risk if you choose to do something but the 10% that is basically a complete variable and can be life changing for people gets taught one way in a seminar far too often.

Finally I would like to mention peer pressure. Most people feel it even if it is not cool to admit it. When in a group dynamic a person is going to be pressured to follow the herd. It just is not conducive to finding your own path at no fault but just simple psychology.

The slippery slope

I now want to start getting into the areas that can be a fine line that often get stomped on and turned into one way manifestos that I find troubling.

One of the main things all of us who dive into the life must deal with is casting off what a good man or woman is and how we are to behave from what we grew up looking at and being preached how to. Combine this with what most find scary when first entering is a very big hurdle to overcome. One of the ways we overcome it is by having common standards and ways to do things. To be able to know what to expect because others have the same expectations of how things should go, how to do certain things and to hear other people stories of going through something similar is a huge help.

The problem becomes when this communication of common or similar ways and experiences gets turned into the false view of the one way is the right way and all others are the wrong way. Right or wrong are almost always subjective and therefore often idiotic. The dominant giving a seminar on punishments that you may not get while all others are nodding their heads in approval does not make it gospel and you are not enough of something. The guy laughing at the speaker and leaves ten minutes in may not be a fool but just this person’s views are not his.

Combined all of the things I have written you have the perfect ingredients to make up the storm I think does the most damage in this life and that is the one way truisms disease. An artificial loosely made up view/instruction manual of what is cool and what is not cool. What is the “right” way and all others are the “wrong” way. The be like us or you are screwed up and dangerous to yourself or others.

A personal example of what I am talking about

The basic laws we should all be able to agree on is when doing things the top/dominant needs to be in control of himself and go at a speed and intensity that they have the ability to go and can read the other person they are with. That there are risks in all the things we do. That boundaries and safety words have to be respected in a zealot manner.

But that is not how many and especially many in local communities operate. That is too individualistic and does not have group validation principles. Let me throw this out. I love face slapping. I love it as an attitude and focus adjuster when I am off in those areas. A good slap to my face really works well with me. I love it when my Master just does it for his fun. Then it is a big turn on to feel his power and confidence over me.

But to bring up face slapping in a local community would get gasps. People calling it dangerous and others calling it emotionally troubling and most definitely give off the impression that face slapping is not something to be done without the expertise of some grand experienced Master if at all. Are they wrong to call it dangerous and potentially emotionally troubling, no they would be correct. The problem is so are all the things we do.

S&M play with a cane is dangerous but does not get the same reactions. There are plenty of people who have plenty of other mental triggers do to being physically abused or cannot do S&M but does that prevent the local community police from doing them no. Plenty of women are devastated by being raped and sex is no longer something they can enjoy. But do we point fingers when discussing rape play with our love one. No we do not.

The ONLY difference between something like face slapping and all the other physical impact or limiting things that local communities rarely act so judgmental on is simply, that face slapping is not part of the routine that they are comforted by.

End of Part One

Our paths are individual. Local communities offer many great benefits and wise things to learn. They also inherently preach one path for many with peer pressure to fit that path and not explore your own. No one is wrong that this happens but it does happen. Peer pressure, to get along often means shared views and values and a level of inbreeding limits the exploration and exposure of the big tent and often shrinks the tent.

We are all on our own path. We must find our best way and not for others to tell us what this way is. In the end we answer to ourselves and not to others.

In Part two, I will tear apart all the people who preach one way truisms for their selfish ego and greed.