Rules & Rituals

I wanted to write a lot briefer then I normally do on this topic and then be more personal then I normally am and show some examples of the ones in my life.

First I do not quite know what the difference sometimes between a rule and a ritual when it comes to the ritual part. Is it a rule how one may greet their owner or is it a ritual. I know a straight rule like no wearing sweats when the temperature is above sixty for example.

Rules and Rituals is a pet topic for me as I believe they are critical in having a healthy 24/7 M/s relationship. I wrote in more detail why in the sister pet topic atmosphere. These two topics tend to overlap as I tend to think of rules and rituals to be the backbone of keeping up a healthy power exchange atmosphere within a relationship. These two topics and how they often get clouded up and mistreated by people in far lesser power exchange dynamics (in scope not how good) and those with the cool factor disease were one of my motivations to start this blog and spend less time on message boards.

So instead of another entry of broad theory I thought it would be different to give some quick thoughts on developing beneficial rules and rituals and then use some as my own as example.

Basic and primitive guidelines

1) Not too many but not none as well. – It is the biggest gripe among people who do not want these things in their life that it burdens them more then anything. Certainly too many can contribute to the burdening. I am guessing the leading cause of having too many in a relationship is because people thinking of ones they might like or read of rules and rituals in other M/s relationships that people just add them with no thought to why outside of thinking they would be cool and fun. I think a good way to see if you need a ritual or rule is for both to monitor their life and see a particular time frame or situation that is routine that one or both struggle to deal with their perspective roles and duties in the relationship can be a good place to put something in.

2) Have a good motivation for a rule or ritual. – I believe any rules and ritual can be good as long as one of the person’s directly involved will feel more dominant or submissive because of it therefore enhancing the power exchange atmosphere. I do not believe both have to get something out of it. I also believe that if an owner has a preference then it can be perfectly great as well. But the best rules and rituals will have a better reason then “because I say so” even if it is as simple as “I really like you doing that”.

3) If a tree falls in the woods does it make a sound. – An owner may really like the idea of their slave contemplating their love and devotion to them for a certain amount of time during the day they are not there. But if the slave gets really nothing out of it then at some point this type of ritual is not really benefiting anyone and at worse is burdensome. If this happens to a ritual where no one really is getting the benefit of it then think about adjusting it or just no longer having it in the relationship. For this example, maybe have the slave just say something to their owner that goes in this direction when the owner is present.

4) Have some fun with them. – So many times in so many areas I see people wanting to know what others have in their relationship in terms of rules and rituals like they are looking for ideas for themselves. Rules and rituals are about creating an atmosphere that reminds all participants their place in the relationship and that comes with enjoying that place. If the owner or even the slave has a particular thing they would like to emphasize in their relationship then think what types of rules and rituals can help emphasize that. For example many of our rules and rituals are for reminders of my Master that he can inflict pain on me at anytime. This is done mostly out of motivation for him to indulge in his sadism lusts and to overcome a lifetime of being the good guy.

5) Cool and/or intense has nothing to do with it. – Some rules and rituals that really help out the relationship can be quite corny or a lame stereotype. But if they work who cares. Overtime these things can blend in like most things in life that we do over and over again. Judging a rule or ritual primarily on how intense they are to one or both is building up expectations too high that will be tough to sustain. Rules and rituals enhance the power exchange dynamic of one’s relationship and they do not make or change it.

6) Re-visit them once and awhile. – People adapt and life changes. What was a beneficial and nice ritual may have become useless with neither party getting anything out of it, time to change it, dump it or replace it.

Here are five examples of rules & rituals that William and I have in our Master/slave TPE relationship

1) After most of the day apart (working & miscellaneous), I greet him whether he is coming in the door or me finding him when I come in the door by kneeling and expressing my love and devotion to him and our dynamic in a very brief way.


Fairly common ritual and trust me the sayings I normally come up with cause us more to laugh then any other emotion. In terms of intensity pretty minimal but in terms of effectiveness it helps both of us quite a bit. One or both of us have just spent a day in the regular world. This ritual is good for us because it resets the world for us and helps us remember and separate the difference between the world and our dynamic. This is not any different then the couple that always greets each other by hugging and smooching. Short term issues and problems can help lose focus of how we really feel and like to feel.

2) When Master is done in the bedroom before starting his day I am to go to the designated chair bare my ass and he will give me five slaps of his hand. Also sometimes he will then have me turn around and hold my hands over my head and he may pinch my nipples.

Many people have rules and rituals in the first thing in the morning stuff. I do not think that is a coincidence even if they have not thought about it. Waking up in a new morning and having something to remind us of our place in the relationship helps get everything off on the right foot. We have weird schedules due to his traveling a lot on business and me working the night shift. Our days of waking up together for the day are limited and we are also still newlyweds we would probably break most of the rituals we would set up. This one helps in it is easy, specific and intense that really helps me greatly focus on my life and duties in a really nice way.

3) Before sitting in the same room with my Master I am to approach and pose in a submissive way and ask permission.

Now Master has never said “no, get out of my face” and the literal translation of my request is not even partly a reason for this ritual. The ritual is in place for both of us to be reminded I am there to serve my owner for his needs and pleasures. The ritual gives him the chance to think as the Master he is by giving pause to a very common regular life thing and going I do or can have something right now. It helps both of us as it is a nicer and easier thought process of asking “do you want anything?” which has vanilla tones and pressure because whether or not he may not want something there is a thought process to me of he must want something. So simple permission allows him to think about indulging and allows me not to focus on doing something to get my slave on but to take his words as end all.

4) When I come home and after I kneel to him I wait to see where he goes or if he is already at a stationary place I then proceed without any acknowledgment or seek out any acknowledgment by him take off all my clothes close to him but not interrupt his sight if he is watching TV for example. I then pause for one minute and after pick up my clothes and go to the bedroom to change into clothes that fit the rules for such thing.

Again this ritual is a reminder to both of us that he is my owner and I am his slave. Like most people when I walk through the door after being gone from home my mind is on all the things I need to do. Even if these things are power exchange things they still are not as important as pleasing my Master in the moment based on what he wants. The truth though is this ritual was started out of the fact my Master likes to pick out what he wants me to wear often enough that I just cannot walk in and be comfortable in automatically dressing myself but not as often that he does it all the time or wants to be burden with me asking all the time. Basically this ritual is asking the question in silence and if he does not speak up then it is my choice within my ordered guidelines.

I would hold up this as an exhibit that can be somewhat redundant to the kneeling ritual and appear a bit silly at least I thought so at first. But the practice of it has been real beneficial. It has given both emphasis and ease in my Master not feeling pressure to pick what I wear but still bring it to his attention if he has a desire. It lets me not have to guess if he wants something specific but at the same time if he says nothing it still focuses me on dressing is for his pleasure and not for my convenience. Plus him seeing me naked and especially if I have some marks on me has instigated a lot of sexual fun we might not have had.

5) At 2pm everyday I either inform him in person on the weekends or text him what I plan on making for dinner that night for him.

This ritual again is a reminder to both of us who is in charge as it allows him to either approve of dinner, by either ignoring or replying so, or allows him to tell me if he wants something different. This gives him active control without the burden of coming up with what I should make and it allows me comfort in knowing what I will make is fine with him.

I specifically used these five examples as they demonstrate to me just how all of them take routine daily things and put the Master/slave dynamic right out in the open. But at the same time none of these rituals requires any significant time or additional thought/effort then normal if one is not feeling it. None of these things are not daily on a regular basis with all couples but we just have re-enforced the M/s dynamic and not let regular life cloud over it. So kneeling to greet instead of or additional to hugs and smooches. Swats on my ass instead of just “I love you. See you tonight”. There is no burden of having my owner decide what for me to wear and make for dinner but there is a strong reminder to both that it is still his complete decision to exercise and not lost by regular life and many days of indifference.

Rules and rituals play an important part of steadying the ride that M/s relationships can take place. They are not always about intensity and bringing out the more severe things but often can be about both people focusing and paying attention to all the little things whether preventing doubt or burdening one or both with endless thoughts and questions on a daily basis. Well designed and thought out rules and rituals enhance the atmosphere of a M/s relationship while often help lessen the burden of both people in it from alway having to work on it.

Get Over Yourself

I was on a message board this morning and a post gave me pause as the original poster although claiming experience but woefully ignorant of basic couple life and many posters who once again took a topic and made it about how cool they are.

Basically the topic was two proposed questions to submissives. 1) How can one deal or get over if your dominant is disappointed in you? 2) How does a submissive deal with the times we get upset with our owners for something and/or communicate it with them while still being and feeling we are property?

Now of course there are many healthy and respectful ways to do these things but the point of this post is to address the thought or myth that somehow 1) All screw ups are or should be devastating to a slave and 2) being a slave and a healthy human being proactive in our relationship do not contradict each other. I have written about this area in my Perspective post and in parts of other but thought this is something worth its own post.

Difference between a healthy and unhealthy relationship

The answers to these questions are actually simple. For those of us in healthy relationships with both people being fairly mentally healthy is the fact we are being ourselves, do not base our relationship feelings on the last emotion and words our other has or we have and do not question our other’s devotion day in and day out.

For those in an unhealthy relationship or have unhealthy personal issues then you will see words and actions that can be almost viewed as life and death drama within their relationship.

Get over yourself dominant


For the dominants who use emotional blackmail or find themselves often questioning, often in passive aggressive manner, your slaves obedience and devotion when they do something not of your liking the issue becomes about you not them. Slaves are human they will screw up and/or do or fail to do things. As a dominant you must be able to separate the human who will not be perfect and the slave who screws up for reasons within the dynamic or their ability to serve in that way toward you.

In terms of having issues with a slave pointing out one’s possible mistakes, short comings and asking questions you feel are judgment based, if you think this is a poor slave act no matter how the slave approaches you then you could very well have self esteem issues.

Get over yourself slave

We are going to feel bad when we do something our owner thinks was wrong or causes them undue burden. But there is a big difference in thinking about what we did or did not do, take our punishment if that is in our dynamic and learning to TRY not to do it again then needing to destroy ourselves and let the whole thing become about us.

When we beat ourselves up so much to where we need our owner to calm us and make us FEEL positive they have forgiven us then it ceases to become about the issue and becomes about us and our self esteem. If we did something that was our fault that needs to be the focus of our thoughts and not turning it into making our owner feels guilty and burden them by how we handle it.

Emotional Blackmail

When it comes to these types of thoughts in the end it is good or bad depending on the intent. To use emotional blackmail by guilting your other into a desired action or emotional place is just going to blow up in our face at some point. There is a difference between pointing out and discussing a screw up with your slave and using emotional wording because you either like to see them squirm or you have taken a screw up by your slave and turned it into an indictment on your personal perfection as a dominant. There is a difference in beating oneself up over a screw up if you are a slave and beating oneself up in such a manner in order to control the situation and get what you want out of your owner.

There are two levels of beating one self up. There is the unavoidable one when we just get pissed at ourselves and hopefully for most of us we can manage that one. Then there is the beat ourselves up that I described in the above paragraph. Both the owner and slave need to recognize and deal with which one it is.

We do not role play in healthy relationships

I am not perfect let alone the perfect slave. My Master is not perfect let alone a mistake free master. I am a human being who identifies as a slave and live an extreme power exchange dynamic. I will screw up and will beat myself up on some things and others not at all. I will speak my mind but in a respectful way when I do not like something my Master did or said whether about our dynamic, life or our relationship in general. This speaking up can be done in a respectful way and has zero reflection on my love, obedience and devotion to my Master or the agreed upon dynamic.

My Master does not need to use emotions as conditional in order to control me. He never makes me feel he does not love, care and is devoted to me and our dynamic to me when any screw up he thinks I may have done happens but deals with the screw up and moves on. My Master knows he is not perfect and would never expect me to try to make him feel he is perfect by never speaking up or pointing out things that would cause him reflection.

One must be who they are and the dynamic is a way to live and not a way to change or hide another person’s personality and brain.

The Doormat Issue

The phrases “I am not a doormat” or “I do not want a doormat” in this life has become so casually tossed out that they really are useless when people mention the word, doormat.


Unfortunately between role and gender miscommunication and people using the phrase as an ultimate vague qualifier have caused quite a bit of confusion. Submissives that use the phrase to run from any actual power exchange but just want to be submissive when and how they feel like it and dominants that use the phrase whenever they communicate something severe and want to calm a submissive’s nerves.

There is though in important compatibility issues that get lost because this term is so popular to toss out that often confuses people when they are in the beginning stages of a relationship.

What is a dominant getting at when they talk about not wanting a doormat?

Most are simply stating they do not want a black hole for a submissive. They want 24/7 of an obedient slave but they want the person along with that. They want someone who can carry in interesting conversation with, have reactions and opinions to things whether good or bad/in agreement or not and have some degree of self sufficiency and can be proactive in various areas.

What they are not wanting is basically a helpless robot requiring non stop orders and attention. What they are not wanting is to only hear “What do you want me to do?” or “How can I please you?” come out of their slave’s mouth.

What is a submissive getting at when they talk about not being a doormat?

Most are simply stating that along with obedience and identifying oneself as a slave comes a person. They need their other to treat them like a person and not as an object or purely a piece of property. That as a human being that comes with multiple needs and wants, a personality, brain and emotions and that the dominant a slave submits to has the power in the relationship but that does not eliminate caring and making sure the slave does have their needs and strong desires met.

What they are not wanting is an owner who thinks a slave is 24/7 only about pleasing their owner and an owner who does not think the person matters or is not “slave like” for it to cause the owner thought and effort.

Slaves do require doormat qualities

Everyone hates to admit this but being a slave in a total power exchange relationship requires elements that can be construed to being a doormat.

As a slave we are required to be able to be obedient at all times and the simple fact of the manner this life requires us to do things we would not do just on our own and when to do them on another’s time frame. This does in fact require for us often to put our other needs, wants and desires temporarily on the back burner while we attend to our number one need and commitment to the dynamic and that is caring for and being obedient to our owner.

So this can mean fixing a meal they ask that we do not feel like making or eating. It means putting out sometimes when we have zero desire or energy to do so. Calling yourself a slave and agreeing to a severe power exchange dynamic means agreeing to do things the other wants not doing things you want to do for them when you want to do them.

Sorry dominants but slaves are people

This dynamic is consensual slavery with a human being. This requires that an owner be proactive in making sure your slave is getting their needs and strong desires met and this will include sacrifice on your part both in time and energy.

This will require you to do things that show you love them and sacrifice time and energy when the slave has things that all human beings have to interfere with your preferred way of life. This will mean having to attend parties and weddings you would prefer not to. It will require recognizing your slave is tired or not in a good frame of mind to do something you would like them to do and sometimes not then making them do it.

This dynamic is not some drawn out role play

To me when I see the doormat issue come out in a power exchange relationship is because the people involved are not being themselves but are being actors in their idealized view of how they want to be and what they think the Master/slave dynamic is “suppose” to be about.

Whether just misdirected intention or a severe symptom of some unhealthy mental issues the role players will inevitably return to who they truly are and often the power exchange dynamic along with the relationship will come crashing down. A slave cannot be a 24/7 empty vessel awaiting direct orders on what to do. An owner does not become all knowing and wise by calling themselves a Master and for owning someone willing to call them that.

If the people in the relationship are not real and acting real the relationship is doomed.

The doormat issue is not a power exchange issue but a compatibility issue

In the end when people harp in the area that the doormat phrases get tossed out they are really not communicating about what power exchange dynamic they are wanting but are talking about what type of person they are wanting for their other.

Any power exchange dynamic regardless of the level is based on commitment to the agreed upon dynamic and for the dominant and submissive to be strictly faithful to the dynamic agreed upon. Power exchange is a relationship dynamic and not a personality or general human being changer.

If you are a dominant the slave is not a poor slave because they speak their mind on issues or will question something you will say. A slave can still be totally committed and perfectly obedient and still have their own mind. A slave a Master can demand respect and proper attitude when communicating with them but this does not mean you are limited in anyway from getting information and your opinion to them expressed.

An owner is not doing something wrong from the power exchange dynamic if they never concern themselves with what their slave might like in things like places to eat, movies to see and things of that nature. They are just a crappy significant other. A slave is not poor at being a slave if they only do things directly ordered that please or carry out orders with poor attitude. They just might be selfish and not into their other.

Conclusion

In the end we will only end up being who we are and nothing more. The dynamic cannot change that. For those of us who thrive in a power exchange dynamic it means that this particular dynamic gives us the greater chance of being happy and to flourish as ourselves.

When looking at our other we have to accept them for who they are and not to confuse power exchange concepts with compatibility such as personalities and what works and what does not work with those personalities inside the power exchange dynamic.