The Doormat Issue

The phrases “I am not a doormat” or “I do not want a doormat” in this life has become so casually tossed out that they really are useless when people mention the word, doormat.


Unfortunately between role and gender miscommunication and people using the phrase as an ultimate vague qualifier have caused quite a bit of confusion. Submissives that use the phrase to run from any actual power exchange but just want to be submissive when and how they feel like it and dominants that use the phrase whenever they communicate something severe and want to calm a submissive’s nerves.

There is though in important compatibility issues that get lost because this term is so popular to toss out that often confuses people when they are in the beginning stages of a relationship.

What is a dominant getting at when they talk about not wanting a doormat?

Most are simply stating they do not want a black hole for a submissive. They want 24/7 of an obedient slave but they want the person along with that. They want someone who can carry in interesting conversation with, have reactions and opinions to things whether good or bad/in agreement or not and have some degree of self sufficiency and can be proactive in various areas.

What they are not wanting is basically a helpless robot requiring non stop orders and attention. What they are not wanting is to only hear “What do you want me to do?” or “How can I please you?” come out of their slave’s mouth.

What is a submissive getting at when they talk about not being a doormat?

Most are simply stating that along with obedience and identifying oneself as a slave comes a person. They need their other to treat them like a person and not as an object or purely a piece of property. That as a human being that comes with multiple needs and wants, a personality, brain and emotions and that the dominant a slave submits to has the power in the relationship but that does not eliminate caring and making sure the slave does have their needs and strong desires met.

What they are not wanting is an owner who thinks a slave is 24/7 only about pleasing their owner and an owner who does not think the person matters or is not “slave like” for it to cause the owner thought and effort.

Slaves do require doormat qualities

Everyone hates to admit this but being a slave in a total power exchange relationship requires elements that can be construed to being a doormat.

As a slave we are required to be able to be obedient at all times and the simple fact of the manner this life requires us to do things we would not do just on our own and when to do them on another’s time frame. This does in fact require for us often to put our other needs, wants and desires temporarily on the back burner while we attend to our number one need and commitment to the dynamic and that is caring for and being obedient to our owner.

So this can mean fixing a meal they ask that we do not feel like making or eating. It means putting out sometimes when we have zero desire or energy to do so. Calling yourself a slave and agreeing to a severe power exchange dynamic means agreeing to do things the other wants not doing things you want to do for them when you want to do them.

Sorry dominants but slaves are people

This dynamic is consensual slavery with a human being. This requires that an owner be proactive in making sure your slave is getting their needs and strong desires met and this will include sacrifice on your part both in time and energy.

This will require you to do things that show you love them and sacrifice time and energy when the slave has things that all human beings have to interfere with your preferred way of life. This will mean having to attend parties and weddings you would prefer not to. It will require recognizing your slave is tired or not in a good frame of mind to do something you would like them to do and sometimes not then making them do it.

This dynamic is not some drawn out role play

To me when I see the doormat issue come out in a power exchange relationship is because the people involved are not being themselves but are being actors in their idealized view of how they want to be and what they think the Master/slave dynamic is “suppose” to be about.

Whether just misdirected intention or a severe symptom of some unhealthy mental issues the role players will inevitably return to who they truly are and often the power exchange dynamic along with the relationship will come crashing down. A slave cannot be a 24/7 empty vessel awaiting direct orders on what to do. An owner does not become all knowing and wise by calling themselves a Master and for owning someone willing to call them that.

If the people in the relationship are not real and acting real the relationship is doomed.

The doormat issue is not a power exchange issue but a compatibility issue

In the end when people harp in the area that the doormat phrases get tossed out they are really not communicating about what power exchange dynamic they are wanting but are talking about what type of person they are wanting for their other.

Any power exchange dynamic regardless of the level is based on commitment to the agreed upon dynamic and for the dominant and submissive to be strictly faithful to the dynamic agreed upon. Power exchange is a relationship dynamic and not a personality or general human being changer.

If you are a dominant the slave is not a poor slave because they speak their mind on issues or will question something you will say. A slave can still be totally committed and perfectly obedient and still have their own mind. A slave a Master can demand respect and proper attitude when communicating with them but this does not mean you are limited in anyway from getting information and your opinion to them expressed.

An owner is not doing something wrong from the power exchange dynamic if they never concern themselves with what their slave might like in things like places to eat, movies to see and things of that nature. They are just a crappy significant other. A slave is not poor at being a slave if they only do things directly ordered that please or carry out orders with poor attitude. They just might be selfish and not into their other.

Conclusion

In the end we will only end up being who we are and nothing more. The dynamic cannot change that. For those of us who thrive in a power exchange dynamic it means that this particular dynamic gives us the greater chance of being happy and to flourish as ourselves.

When looking at our other we have to accept them for who they are and not to confuse power exchange concepts with compatibility such as personalities and what works and what does not work with those personalities inside the power exchange dynamic.