Common mistakes starting out

Below are some of the most common mistakes I see people make when they start going from thinking about a power exchange relationship into trying to get into one and this can be either an regular couple changing or finding your dominant or submissive.

No particular order of frequency or importance outside of #1 and #2 which are the most common in my opinion.

1) Ill thought out plans.

Too often I see new submissives that have no concept of what type of power dynamic and kinky desires or ability to handle things of that nature that are looking to find themselves but at the same time only looking or willing to do anything submissive with a person they think might be Mister or Misses forever.

Power dynamic is not just an optional dessert to most people that are searching for anything more then top/bottom play and even to many who it is all top/bottom play. Often the I love and care for the person so we will find mutual ground in the power exchange dynamic is thrown out but that is not an honest or accurate thought. Often what happens is after the people fall for each other one or both start role playing their part to fit the other’s desire in this area but that can only go on for so long before they get weighed down by this and revert back to their normal selves.

You will see this a lot when you talk or read about people who had someone but the other lost interest or stopped playing with me and things of that nature.

2) Dominants are not one size fits all.

In the excitement or desperation of having someone in some type of power exchange dynamic a dominant will often pursue anyone who might be interested in them. This of course is doomed because how we are and need in a power exchange dynamic is a major compatibility issue and like number one not just assumed two people who get along in other things will fit in a power dynamic part.

As a dominant you have interests, desires and are wired how you are. A slave like me who is into being dominated without concern or brings pleasure from my lack of pleasure in suffering for my Master will never fit a sensual sadist who will only do impact play if the other enjoys it for example. Or if you are wanting a more natural relationship without any rules, rituals, punishments and disciplines you are going to look for a submissive that appeals to and not because the other needs them do it for them because as I wrote in #1 that never works.

3) Not continually discussing the power exchange dynamic you want, think you are about and the reasons why with your potential other.


It is unfortunate but a truth that for a solid percentage of people what they think they are and want in theory is not what they really are about and capable of doing. But whether it was lost in the fantasy, wishful thinking or communicating to another only what they think the other wants to hear then once they are with the person whether any power is exchanged or any kinky play the person demonstrates whether in words or actions that they are not remotely going to be or want what they originally communicated.

This is the one I personally experienced in my two pursuits of being owned. People would clearly communicate originally they were this and wanted that but then whenever the topic was discussed multiple times in a live setting it would become very clear that none of that was ever really a possibility with them.

The danger of course in not to continue talking about the dynamic is because as two people become closer whether any thing of this type is being done the two people should be finding out they are on the same page and drawn to the other in this way. Exchanging some Emails and phones calls at the very beginning and then only discussing regular couple stuff is a recipe for making sure both of you are not on the same page.

Take a normal example like a person saying they want children. But then being with them awhile you hear many comments that would not be the case at all. Same with power exchange aspects can happen so do not assume what they say originally is the absolute truth even if they are honest and sincere in your dealing with them.

4) Focus too much on the kinky and power exchange dynamic.

Basically the opposite of #3 and pretty much self explanatory to most but I will throw this aspect of it that is not so obvious.

Often if all the focus is on this aspect in developing the relationship that there is a much higher risk of falling into the delusion that somehow power exchange relationships are drastically different then regular relationships in most things and that people are different as well. They are of course not, but what does happen is everything can become blamed or thought through the relationship dynamic when often it is just something between the two people.

5) Lose focus too easily.

I have seen this in two areas. One is where the two people are apart by some distance that a bulk of their communication is done with phone, IM and Email. They then often try to have some sort of power exchange dynamic through this communication. The problem is real communication and heading for an actual real time relationship can take a back seat to this type of play and/or grand judgments on each other’s behavior in this particular dynamic can be very bias toward what either or both are like in a real time live relationship.

The other area is I saw was my time in local communities that a new person coming in to learn about themselves and hopefully finds their other will lose their bearings. So instead of taking what you see and learn from the people of the local community and actively searching out another it quickly becomes about hanging out with friends and adopting their views which may or may not work for them personally. In all honesty in the three local communities I had the pleasure to be active in there were always group(s) of people that seem to form an unofficial mutually assured failure group. What I mean in that is like some cool clique from high school who just knows everything but no one had seen any of them do anything. In these groups are all perpetually single people who knew everything about everything in the power exchange and top/bottom life but none ever dates anyone as all the other gender and role were all conveniently deemed losers. They made the life their whole social life but had forgotten they were originally there to find a personal life.

6) Failure to comprehend the other person you are interested in is a human being like you.

There are two polarizations that often can muck up the possible meeting of the middle to form a great relationship. On the one hand you have often a female submissive moving very slowly and very cautiously out of anxiety for the potential pitfalls. Then you have the male dominants who trying to be all dominant like and men behaving like they do often pushing for things before a woman are ready.

The problem is both these groups tend to unfortunately become so tunnel vision on themselves that they lose track that they are dealing with another person. So even some of the nicest and coolest male dominants can end up looking like jerks when they jump into a transactional mode of “if I do this then you will”, putting the head before the heart and not accepting they move a two different speeds and making idiotic demands that sound dominant but turn out are great reasons to get dumped. Then there are perfectly sincere and serious submissive women that move so slowly that defy any sort of time limit they would impose on any other type of relationship and/or dynamic that they frustrate the dominant into making stupid demands or get dumped by ones who grow weary.

These are relationships just like any other but just with a different dynamic. Being greatly looser or conservative by how the relationship develops or thinking trust is earned differently based solely on the dynamic is power exchange is often a recipe for not being in tune or respectful of the other.