To Each Their Own

I was reading a blog that I normally read and in about ten minutes had clicked on a blog they had read and then clicked on a blog that person reads. I write this because in the end I have no idea where I ended up when I came upon a blog entry that gave me great pause.

This particular entry the woman wrote that her Master/husband of ten plus years has decided she needs to concentrate more on being a better slave and has been too distracted by life. So her Master decided to cut off a significant amount of access to life like preventing her from driving, limiting time on the Internet and other isolating type things. My initial reaction and I am guessing most is look out this sounds really bad and then it hit me, I was being a hypocrite.

Perspective, to each their own and consensual non consent

I was a big old hypocrite because my mind kept thinking “red flag!” when reading this slave’s blog entry. But while what she wrote for a new relationship would be a red flag to be very concerned with she was not in a new relationship but a ten year one and from everything I read in her blog a quite happy one. So who the hell was I to form my opinion.

What I did is a human frailty that is common and can often lead to not getting things, judging others and bouts of extreme hubris. What I did was take what they were doing in their relationships and not bothering to see it how they saw it but how I would react if it was in my own. I would bet each and everyone of you who reads this that if you spent twenty-four hours and took every reaction you have toward something you heard or saw someone say or do wrote it down and took it to an independent third party they would say most of it was only your opinion and no fact in it at all. It could very well be any more credible then mere gossip.

For one to think how yucky one topping on a pizza is and find out their favorite is yucky to the other person. For a teacher to look at a mortician and think how the heck they can do what they do but the mortician might be thinking the same things toward the teacher.

So here I was for several seconds and maybe minutes thinking how severe her relationship truly was and if that was ok. Yet here I am in a pretty severe M/s relationship in which I want my face slapped if my focus and mood is not where it should be for my Master or how I am strongly attracted to people with domineering personalities that most run from. I would not want my sanity or how I live my life questioned so I should not be questioning hers without any actual facts. Because in the end all I was doing is filtering my creative thoughts through a few things she mentioned.

We are not all alike

I could never be in a D/s relationship. I cannot imagine how one goes turning power exchange on and off depending on some basis like specific thing and mutual right place and time type things that can be so overlapping and inconsistent. Many submissives cannot imagine what an M/s total power exchange relationship where the power to control someone is always there or at least available. But many of us are often guilty of thinking not only can we imagine it we think we know a lot about it from some of the tiniest clues and information presented. We are also guilty of this when comparing relationships that are personal in nature when comparing what we think is equal types such as a slave to another slave.

But we are not only not all alike, we are not close in most cases. Yet we tend to imagine and judge based on the fact that others are just like us. Sometimes when reading blogs, message boards or talking to people out in your local community it can be beneficial to take a step back to remind oneself that they are not you and therefore might not have your personality, interests, preferences and on and on. When someone does something that could be with other facts be bad and dangerous do not assume the other bad facts are automatically there.

It is far easier to casually say or write “to each there own” in a theoretical way but for many the real life specific situations we have trouble doing just that. This woman’s blog that I referred to was a stark reminder that I was not immune to such thoughts.

Talk Dirty To Me

I think although it can vary greatly in amount and in what context most people enjoy dirty talk in their sex life. I know I personally love it when my Master uses his oral skills while having dirty thoughts our in a sexually aroused state. I also know in all of my serious relationships this topic has been brought up in which my owner wanted me to be more vocal in this area and I just struggle terribly in doing so.

Now I am not a prude nor raised or work where I have any great societal barrier. In fact I think I am almost quite the opposite of that. I prefer tits to breasts, cock to penis and I like being thought of as a cheap slut that is always horny for my Master’s cock. As a nurse I like the mental distinction between breasts, vagina and penis at work to the dirtier names in private. I have no problem speaking them in regular life conversations like “my tits are still quite sore” but to use them in sentences to convey my sexuality to my Master or in the throw of sexual activity I just have a tough time doing so.

Maybe for some reason I think many of the things I would speak out in this area feels like topping from the bottom by giving overt signals in what would be enjoyable to me and thinking it might affect my Master’s decision to do something for just his indulgence which is my number one aphrodisiac. Maybe it is because I am not a dirty talk communicator when sexually aroused and I am just more of a grunter, screamer and one word description type of gal and forcing sentences out then becomes conscious and lowers my enjoyment. Maybe I am selfish therefore because I prefer not to so I can be lost in my arousal.

I hate failing at things. I learned to put on a masturbating sex show and orgasm easily in doing so for my owners pleasure but stringing lust filled dirty little thoughts to go from the brain to words out of my mouth is so hard. I guess practice, practice and more practice might be the way to go.

Two Cent Tips

Cheap random advice and observations from my experiences in real life M/s and from others I have heard and learned from. These mostly have to do with starting out and looking for.

1) Ninety plus percent of the situations and problems you will encounter in this life are the same and to be thought of and resolved the same as any other situations and problems you have encountered in regular life and relationships.

2) If you get dumped/released it is because simply the dominant did not care to be with you anymore. It is not because you broke a rule or two and he was that shallow. That is just his excuse that he thinks will cause the least drama. Now dumped because you consistently did not do things is another story. A pattern of showing an issue with devotion to the dynamic is a very big deal for people who are serious about this life and an exceptional reason to be dumped.

3) If you attempt long distance and the dominant has a decent job but still does not seem to want to come see you or want you to come there, he is either married or this is just a lark. People can scramble money to get their nicotine, caffeine and other extra expenses. To think someone who claims to have a decent paying job cannot scramble up some gas or plan ahead to get a relative cheap airline ticket is not realistic when thought of from the perspective of finding your one or at least some kinky sex.

4) The odds of a person changing significantly are slim to nil. The odds of a person putting on a fake mask when first getting with someone is quite normal to at least a certain degree. If a person changes for the worse after enough time has past the odds are very good they are reverting back to who they are and not some temporary or change that they will change back to the person you first met.

5) No picture in profile fine. No picture after enough communication they are playing you. Whether married, not serious or lied badly about their age/appearance it is a huge ass red flag. Sorry cameras can be borrowed and the job paranoia does not cut it from sending a vanilla picture to and from a regular old email or IM chat. Do you really think they would be interested in you if you never showed your photo in someway?


6) Avoid the drama. One of the biggies of M/s life slaves it is not always about you. Not only avoid making things too much about you but the bigger one do not think slave followed by you as a person in trying to solve something or make some bad situation better. But think about the actual situation and the person(s) being affected and how you can help. For example, because your new Master is stressed out in work please do not stress him out more by making him deal with you stressing about trying to be a better slave to him because he is stressing out from work.

7) People self idealize in cyber. Do not believe all the zealot type descriptions of character and how people describe their lives and decisions. For example, the “I would never leave until my contract was done” is not a person of character communicating how to live this life as a submissive/slave but a self esteem challenged liar or seriously mentally ill. See if the other person abuses them or a child of theirs they stay there because they signed a “contract”. But boy does it sure sounds good when typed out.

8) Good people want to help ease another’s nerves and issues. Bad people want to stoke those fears and issues by promoting all but them to be evil so you run into their arms. Run from those who seem too eager to scare you and pointing fingers at others.

9) A way to a woman’s heart is not endless talk about toys, scenes and your local community activity. It is the equivalent of you talking about sports or how you are the only smart person where you work for an entire date. Men read what females write about and see how little specific toys or scenes are actually discussed by women. Want them to be interested in you write about your motivations, passions and vision of what you want your future relationship to be.

10) Submission only on your terms is not power exchange. When I mean your terms I do not mean overall agreed to boundaries no matter how narrow or wide but only submitting when and what each and every single time. That is called just doing what you want. There is nothing wrong with that but it has nothing to do with a power exchange life as you really are giving up zero control to the dominant who you might want to remember is half of the equation. Using the code word natural makes this sound cooler but all you do is confuse people.

11) Remember like regular relationships people will have happy delusions. Everyone in happy relationships never think they will get divorced, the other might not feel the exact same way or the very common self denial of issues and problems is swept under the rug in their own mind. Power exchange people can be the same way. If one writes their relationship is utopia you are getting the romantic what I wish to project image and not the real image. My Master and I are newlyweds and very happy and in total sync in how we live and want to live. We are also far from perfect, problem free and wishes for some things were different. We still are building trust and learning each other after two and a half years together.

12) The biggest difference in the progression of first meeting to 24/7 power exchange is when you move in together and it then does come closest to 24/7 as it can get. Proclaiming you have found your one and he is perfect is delusional until you are in that final step. We all take leaps of faith in all relationships and that is not what I am pointing out. But if you truly think your risk is not high and you take actions on it without factoring in the risk because the other is sheer perfection. No matter how many hours on the phone, days/months/years you have taken or weekends together, moving in whether long distance or not is a huge step with no guarantees. Do not make decisions that destroy your life if it does not work out. For every I moved across the country to my other and that was ten blissful years ago you will have many more I moved across the country and they are not the person I thought them to be and I am now alone, trapped and do not know what to do. Be smart have the ability to do a third option of I moved it may or may not have worked but if it did not I still did not destroy my life.

Exercising the Actual Power

I am sitting down on this computer one very happy, lustful and loving. Along with being very sore especially my tits that have more black, blue and purple marks then regular color and dried cum from a morning frolic I am hesitant to jump into the shower and wash off. I have spent too much of my time this morning staring at the marks and getting giddy feeling my soreness and how the dried cum feels and was thinking why I love to feel and see these things.

Very common reaction

Now what I have just written is very clichéd as so many of us are like this. But it is also clichéd when taking it to the big picture. We like to feel a part of something. We like to see representation of that something. We wear wedding rings and collars to signify committed relationships between two people. We wear our school colors especially during big events like the NCAA Tournament. People cover themselves in tattoos many being something that is representative like loved ones names or specific interests they are big into.

I think this is why many of us love to see the marks and bruises from our Master’s. It is just a great reminder of who we are, what are relationship dynamic is and our love and devotion to our owner. Wedding rings and collars are great. Spoken words of love and devotion are very cool as well. But something about marks and feeling the soreness that just at least for me is an extra something. I mean I work in an ER and I am lucky to go more then a couple of shifts without seeing bruises on victims from abuse. This one might think would make me despise bruises of all types and yet staring at mine nothing negative ever pops into my head.

Power Baby!

For most 24/7 slaves the power that is exercised over us is thrilling, cool, sexy and probably many other words depending on one’s thoughts. We are not in power exchange relationships because the dynamic makes us sad or bored. We are not in them because we are naturally submissive and therefore obey is just the way. No many of us slaves are in these relationship dynamics because giving over power has many good things associated with it and for many this includes heart pitter patter and lustful thoughts and reactions.

My favorite non power exchange power exchange get it moment in a movie was in GoodFellas and not even direct power exchange. After Henry Hill beats up a guy who was bad to his girlfriend with a gun as his girlfriend looks on. Henry then gives her the bloodied gun to hide. Then through narration the girlfriend goes something like “Most women would have just walked away. I didn’t, the fact is it turned me on”.

To me this scene can be a very good lesson for all dominants that want M/s or Take in Hand relationships. Because to me this scene represents a very hard truth even if it is not directly relatable to an M/s relationship. This scene teaches it is not just the power you claim to have but also using of that power is critically important.

We like the feelings

Whenever I read the preaching of one of the cool factor stereotypes of the Master being the best Master by little he has to do. Because he has trained his slave so well and the slave is always perfectly obedient and anticipating their needs and things like that I often either start laughing at the phoniness of it all or get miffed at someone once again presenting a false image of M/s life and trying to make some mythical end result determine success and greatness.


M/s is an ever ongoing active participation thing for both roles. Owners need to understand it is not just the power you have like it is some aura around you but the power you exercise on an ongoing basis over your slave that makes the relationship work, run smoothly and happily. That this is not just about the physical kinky things that we often talk about or indulge for fun. This is about all the things a Master needs to bring to the table. So whether in a M/s relationship kink indulged or in a Domestic Discipline/Take in Hand type relationship where nothing kinky can be going on that exercising power through strong leadership, control and use of your slave in the agreed upon dynamic in an active way is not only a good things but a much needed thing.

It is why someone like me stares at my marks and it makes my heart pitter patter. It what makes someone like me every time I am reminded of what was done to me from being soar from it gets a little turned on. Because it is not just my Master’s power but that I see, hear, feel, touch and taste it exercised over me.

It makes me happy, relaxed and it turns me on.

Attitude Adjustments

This is one of those very touchy subjects. It is really for only a small minority of us even in the labeled category of slave.

This topic hinges on perspective so I will keep this rather short and personal.

When talking about adjust, discourage or train a slave to only be in certain types of welcomed moods or not letting any “attitude” issues inject into the relationship by some sort of rule that would be punished and in particular punished with physical pain you get into this topic being one that tends to freak people out. Of course like many things in this life in particular things people have not experienced and/or will not do people often tend to be fearful, dismissive and only imagine worse case scenarios.

This is because perspective can be so different. To talk about basically a Master hitting a slave because they do not like their mood or attitude sounds to most just horrible because the only scenarios they think of is some abusive ogre smacking his helpless nonconsensual spouse. But life just has more variety then that.

Perspective

In general toss out people who play these things primarily in their local community. They often cannot think anything other then toys and scenes when it comes to anything that hits on what happens in a public dungeon or taught in a public safety lowest common denominator first situation.

In general toss out anyone that really does not identify as a slave who practices it on a pretty severe level. If one does not buy into one’s Master is the center of the Universe for the most part then they are not going to understand the concept of a slave willing to try to get their mood altered or trained to not be something.

In general toss out self obsessed people who suffer from serious illnesses like depression and Bipolar. They are unable to distinguish that other people have the ability to distinguish the difference between something serious that they have, something that cannot be adjusted or something that can. They can only zone in on when they go into their depressed state that is serious and cannot be helped by this.

In general toss out the drama queens who take everything that happens to them in life and over analyses it. People who question everything done in their relationship like it is life or death this is too dangerous of a thing for them to talk about let alone actually do.

Scientific Experiment

Personally I know for myself and other that instant physical punishment to help us deal with a attitude or mood issue is a good thing we welcome having our Master having some control or ability to try to deal with. Many will stress in no uncertain terms that anytime an owner punishes for a mood that is abuse. But I find that safety police nonsense and coming from a small mind or just someone that lacks the ability to see things from other personalities and experiences.

So I propose, because I do know this is true, a research project. Go to an active message board on power exchange life and search for two topics. One topic of this thing specifically and see all the safety police and the public players cry abuse and dangerous. See many claim this is idiotic and cannot be done.

Then search for threads that talk about doing things exactly similar but based on the slave requesting it. In other words all the submissives who ask for some sort of discipline session because they are not feeling quite right or would like to snap out of a mood they do not like. See many of the very same people claim do not ever do in the former threads go this can work and we do it often in these types threads.

What is the difference? Nothing really when knowing that in long term healthy and loving relationships your spouse is going to know you so well to know when a mood or attitude can be adjusted and when it just has to be played out but that does not work in the public forums that this life is talked mostly about.

My Experiences

For me I find getting punished physically right away for mood and attitude non slave like to be a good thing that I actively desire in my relationship. Quite simply and shocking to some I like a good face slap or knee buckling nipple squeeze when my Master takes exception to something in this area and thinks it can be corrected by doing these things to me.

My personality, life and M/s relationship this has a strong place for it to be beneficial to me. I love being a slave and being slave like in terms of loving, lustful and happy to be in the presence of my Master when I am. I work twelve hour night shifts most of the time several in a row. I work in an ER where bad stuff often happens. All of this tends to get me way off kilter in terms of energy levels and moods which does impact my ability to focus and be where I like and can be. There are just times that the best thing for me is a solid slap to my face to get my focus back where I want it let alone my Master.

In our relationship we take the dynamic and devotion to it very seriously. It is as big a part of the relationship as any part. Because of this we do not keep score or dwell on the non perfect or screw up times. It is one of the big reasons I am such a proponent for M/s relationships to have an agreed upon and practiced punishment component. In any type of punishment component the it is a benefit to needs to be a yes in some way and a punishment that does nothing or causes bigger problems and issues is of course bad.

Again for me personally, to get my mood or attitude pointed out as being less then desired or what both of us want in the relationship and punished by hours or days later some type of punishment is quite ridiculous and ineffective. But a quick pain punishment gets the behavior fixed the most productive way for me and we move on.

It is never apples to apples

Something like this is probably not for many. It does not make one special because it is in their relationship and it does not make it abusive and dangerous because it will never be in your healthy and loving relationship.

There are many types of dynamics, personality types, bad life experiences and mental and physical health issues that a Master administering physical punishment to adjust mood and attitude will not work and could be very dangerous. But remember for some of us in long term healthy and loving relationships where trust and love is not questioned by either party if this aspect works for the two then the dangers are not as great. Still be careful and communicate absolutely.

Sometimes my Master hits me and I simply go sorry for my current behavior but that did not or will not help at this time. I am a slave in a total power exchange relationship that I am in love with my Master and in ecstasy of our relationship dynamic and his devotion to it. In it he is a sadist that for enjoyment gives me pain nearly everyday that people in this life get gushy in thinking, talking and doing it. I am not a vanilla chick masquerading my role. Even a not so cool pain that did not work or Master did not read me right is not something to panic or dwell on.

Long term means remembering all the actions and not just the last one.

Naturally Doomed

In the last two post I have briefly mentioned the magical term many who chest thump this life that I personally find to be extremely misleading and that term is natural.

It is the ultimate cool factor word in the power exchange life. I mean does it not sound cool to say “I am natural” followed by anything you state. It is almost always followed by the “I do not need” and goes on to list some thing(s) that many people do in this life. It is a passive aggressive claim of believing one is superior or a puff up ego shout of please do not look too closely at my relationship in what it is from what I say it is.

But no amount of actual “naturalness” can be enough if one wants a significant power exchange relationship. Let me stress the word significant to separate from any. Certain none that fall under the level Master/slave on the level most define it.

You do have to have some natural

Oh my, contradict myself practically at the beginning. The natural though I am referring to is the starting point. Where the starting point is can be or maybe stronger is critical to how a person can be in this life. But it is just a starting point and it is never the finishing line.

To be in an M/s relationship a dominant certainly has to have certain things in certain levels in order to lead and dominate the relationship that fuels and satisfy them instead of burden and drains them. I will for brevity and because few can agree will not go into detail but let me write a decent level of leadership skills, want active control and being decisive. Every slave needs on some level to enjoy doing things for the one(s) they care about on a significant level. I mean if one is selfish and inconsiderate then slave is not the role for you.

The point natural does not cut it

We are all natural when it is easy and on our own terms. But M/s TPE does not work that way because as humans and with lives that are just a tad more complex. Every spouse on the planet believes they put their other above themselves for the most part, does not make everyone a natural submissive. Everyone believes they know what is best for their other or for both together for the most part but that does not make everyone a natural dominant.


Let me use my favorite example of what a slave is to wear. Most in a relationship this is a give and go thing. One spouse expresses or shows over time preferences in how they like the other to dress. For many, especially women, we often factor this in even to the point of it being the biggest factor. But we do not always defer to this choice. People usually only do it if they are ok with it and feel like it. So a regular wife knows her husband likes her to wear a nice summer dress over shorts for example. She may wear a dress most days but some days she really feels like wearing shorts and does so without thought. It is the natural points like that M/s couples have to overcome. Now most might think what is the big deal about something like this happening in a “natural” power exchange relationship? The point is when there is nothing from stopping one from doing what they want in the first place then as humans we do not always default to our naturally submissive side we send out messages to our other that do not equate the dynamic we have agreed to.

Same thing with a dominant playing natural dominant which your slave basically lives a day to day existence of not knowing when they do something is going to be wrong because their natural dominant confuses being able to express a preference or want their way in a disagreement about something to go their way. It is just simply more natural for us to not care or blow something off.

It just is not natural

It is not natural for a female slave to always wear her hair the way her Master prefers if it is always one way and length but we do it anyway. It is not natural to always cook a decent meal for our Master. It is easy when tired or hurried to default to normal and take the easy way out or hint/request severely that our guy takes us out in that case. But that is not up to a slave. It is not natural to put our others needs and desires most of the time so far above our own that we do not even think about it.

It is not natural to be able to and certainly always be able to not take the current desire in the moment of your slave and disregard it for reasons that are selfish when one is the dominant. It is not natural for a dominant to make most of the decisions. It is not natural to have a preference and make it a rule knowing that there will be times your slave that you love will find that difficult.

Living this naturally is not going to get you M/s 24/7 significant power exchange

Our lives despite our relationship dynamic are filled with mostly the regular world and us being Mr. and Mrs. Joe Normal. Most of us were raised not to follow or lead in such strict ways and certainly all of us have had plenty of time being single where we had only our stuff to care and deal with. We default to these things when we try just to live our lives and will create a horrendous atmosphere and woeful inconsistency within the dynamic if a couple truly try M/s the “natural” way.


Why most M/s relationships have some rules, rituals, strict adherences to preferences is so that the mindset and atmosphere makes it easier and more enjoyable to go to the tougher and stricter level of domination and obedience. For many of us punishment is an important aspect as not to point out our human failures but to help us motivate ourselves when the always going to be their times we start processing in our normal brain way. We have all these unnatural things in our lives so we can keep two brains on the same page with consistent thoughts and actions and not just hoping.

Live the life for yourself and not others

So forget the cool factor of the more natural we live it the better Master or slave we are. Forget the people that promote cool theories that if you do not match up make you lesser in their eyes, they are idiots lying.

Realize to be in a successful Master/slave relationship means there is no easy middle ground. There are things that will not be natural or things that are normally natural at times will not be. The unnatural things we have set up and practice in these relationships are there to help us and smooth over the rough spots. They are good for relationships and not a strike against your coolness.

If one wants just natural that is great, no problems on my end, but do not expect 24/7 TPE or anything close because that is just not natural.

Expectations

A woman wrote me about something they were very excited to try that she had gotten from something I wrote, nothing original mind you. What she wrote after getting her Master to try it was what is often a common problem we have as slaves, especially starting out and that is managing our expectations of how things are going to go or suppose to be.

Let me write about expectations of a slave in two areas in scenes and in general.

Scenes

We want magic and we want it without much thought and effort. But often magic does not come or at least comes the first time you experience something. It is quite common to here things like “It did not go like I had imagined” or “We have tried this but I did not really like it. Am I submissive like I thought?”

Often our expectations are out of whack from reality for various reasons.

Taking what we read and here from other people and wanting to feel that way so we transfer what they say they do to us and expect instant same feelings. The facts are there are often three ways to get pleasure from scenes. You have a thing for what is being done like a masochist enjoys their ass getting whipped. You have a thing for power exercised over you so that what does it for you when your other does things that are intense. Or you feed off pleasing your other and seeing them takes pleasure in your suffering.

Being submissive does not mean being a masochist and getting off or instant sub space when pain is inflicted on us. What works for us or what does not work for us is on an individual by individual basis.

Lose the desire and expectation of the fairytale. Think of scenes like you would think of sex. Being stressed out and worried because of the unknown of what is to be done or the other person generally leads to crappy sex. Most great sex is when we are relaxed and comfortable and have a clue of what is going to happen. This can go for many people with scenes as well. It takes time and trust for both people to get to the place and for helping the other get to the place they want. It can and often is a process to get comfortable and relaxed when doing these things with another person regardless of one’s experience on the other end. All the dreams, stories you heard and masturbating sessions of how something went in your mind will very rarely get replayed the first time you do something. Hopefully it might get close or at least show strong signs of it will get there but often think of first times as practice.

Fairytale expectations compared to real life are an exercise in disappointment and confusion.

Sometimes we just have to be there for them. If something just does not do it for you no matter the times and comfort level then it might just not do it for you. If you are n a M/s or some other loving type relationships then sometimes we might have to decide to be there just for them and suffer for love. That in itself can be a very nice feeling and returned to you by your other in appreciation in other areas of your life.

Expectations of the life of a 24/7 slave

“We expanded into 24/7 but nothing seems different.” or “My Master stopped doing anything.”

These and the variation to these are the two most common problems submissives ask for advice on when coming to message boards. They also get two flippant and taken on face value idiotic pieces of advice. “Dump him he is a fake Master.” or “You as the slave need to try to be a lot more submissive and proactive in serving.” The problem why I hate the answers given like they are is because there is some to significant truth in them but not totally or automatic.

People often enter 24/7 relationships two ways that tend to skew expectations.

1) From first being a bedroom submissive. Expectations get skewed because let us face it whenever we are doing bedroom submissive stuff it is usually exciting and intense. But this also can really be a problem if one thinks that the feelings and submissive levels achieved with such intensity and exciting things can be kept up 24/7 with regular life and more mundane things. The fact is they cannot be.

2) From an established relationship whether long term or short term with the original goal to become Master/slave. I read a great line on a message board about the nothing happen when we went comment. The person wrote that forget the delusion of “naturally” being dominant or submissive that people’s default is vanilla. That just talking about going 24/7 M/s or agreeing on and signing a contract does not make the relationship change automatically.

The truth is that an M/s relationships can and often fail because one or both just do not have it in them to do it. There are dominants wanting an obedient spouse who likes kinky sex but has no ability or desire to lead and dominate like a slave needs. Or a sub wanted a take charge alpha spouse but thought they would just naturally do things they would do anyway or make them feel like doing things magically/wishful thinking. So the dump them comment if wanting an M/s relationship can often be the right answer.

The truth is that how both people focus, communicate and give effort on there end when in a power exchange relationship is critical and exponentially so when starting one up. We must be honest and accept we default to vanilla. So both roles must put effort into the relationship. Regular life we cannot affect greatly what that can do to us in a M/s relationship but feedback and atmosphere coming from our other carries tremendous weight. If both people are not proactive in their role and expect just the other to be fine in theirs is basically disaster waiting to happen.

Conclusion

There is nothing wrong with expectations as long as we keep them realistic both in scope and realizing many things take time and effort. But we must also be prepared that not every expectation in this life will come true or to the degree we thought. Expectations get satisfied with effort and understanding of how to achieve them. Most things in power exchange relationships this means constant communication, time for both to relax and trust each other and doing our end to create the atmosphere we are going after that will help greatly both people.

Random Opinions

The following are just some opinions that have more edge to them then I normally write. I normally try to write in a non judgmental way but these areas I do have stronger opinions and did not want to filter them.

Biggest do not get it for dominants when it comes to the punishment part of relationships is having it in the relationship and actually doing it shows your submissive you give a damn about the dynamic and the relationship. We submissives when serving on that level need and enjoy knowing that our submission is actually important to you and not just window dressing.

When people use the term natural in describing themselves or their relationship style whether dominant or submissive it is either as a cop out, ego boost and often both.

There is some irony to how to me what two different disciplines of power exchange are promoted. In M/s people spend most of their time talking about the kinky things and sex while often deflecting the effort, need to embrace and responsibility for both parties in the actual power being exchanged. Take in Hand people are far more open and discussing those things but like to distance themselves that a woman submitting to a man goes deep in the sexual area and things like a spanking are more then what they are talked about.

I also do not think that in my observation over time that many more women who embrace Take in Hand relationships often have trouble finding a man to embrace it or often look for how they can get their husband to live like this. While often it is the men in M/s that seem to always looking for a slave. I think there is a connection personally as many M/s men do not get what the Take in Hand men do.

I admire the openness of the Take in Hand people in how they are open about the submission of the woman from both genders. While I do not care that too many confuse this with man is strong and wise and woman is weak and vulnerable, I do admire the dialog and tend to read about them far more then M/s couples because of this who often only talk about it in a mythical fairytale setting.

Men spend way too little time thinking things through and especially about the why of things. Women spend way too much time thinking about those things. This is especially true in power exchange relationships type stuff.

It troubles me how society seems to be getting more and more Narcissistic. The whole pattern of having conversations via the telephone to Emails to IM to texting and now the latest Twitter to me reeks of I do not want my time wasted by friends and family. At my convenience I will communicate with you but I do not really want to know anything truly important in case it makes me feel guilty for not being there for them mentally.

Here is the deal in quick form about the attraction to bad boys as compared to often indifference to nice guys that many males do not get. It has nothing to do with a woman wanting to be treated like crap but a woman wanting not having to deal with passive aggressive men and feel like we are always playing mom to them. Bad boys tend to be way more direct in their communication and actions. They tend to take what they want and not do something in hopes it will get them what they want unlike many nice boys. They also often do not need to be made to feel they are awesome unlike many nice boys. When women play with bad boys they are simply self medicating from having to deal with too many nice boys who drain them with their issues.


Biggest difference between good sex and bad sex to a woman to me boils down to in good sex a man fucks his woman and in bad sex the man performs for his woman. Getting truly fucked often means we also feel the lust, love and attraction our other has for us and also lets us be free from having to think too much and just enjoy the ride. Performers block us from feeling what we want to feel and we have to spend too much effort mentally in the whole process to relax and let go. This is why orgasms are not the only thing to keep score with. I guarantee one fast quick lust filled I just have to fuck you wham bam too fast to orgasm for a woman will always be more well received after the fact then some guy whose every action and constant questioning of is this good who makes us orgasm once or twice but afterwards we feel nothing.

The biggest problem in communicating about power exchange relationships is the confusion and lack of point out the elephant in the room of the differences in range when things are discussed. Everyone has an opinion but they come from different perspectives. A bedroom only submissive has as much insight on punishment in an M/s relationship as they do on brain surgery if they are an art teacher. But that does not stop them from sharing an opinion or misleading others about their dynamic when they weigh in on the subject.

Reminds me of the obvious difference that few want to admit to, there is a huge difference between people who primary or only experience is top/bottom activity within their local community dungeons and private parties and people who play within a long term loving relationship when it comes to the kinks. For people this is basically only local community whether by choice or necessity things like safety and negotiation are critical to express and promote you do. In loving long term relationships these concepts are just a given. So when the local community safety police speak up whenever people like me communicate things without chest thumping safety they think they are being wise but they just expose themselves to what they are, no relationship experienced wannabes.

I will say this to I am blue in the face local communities have a very limited service. You can be active as part of your social life or you can use them to guide/learn and find your other to have a personal life. I recommend everyone new to try to search out your local community and try it but I also recommend that if you truly do want a power exchange relationship not to take a lot of what is said and seen in them as gospel. They can be good exposure and good for learning physical facts and basic safety stuff but they are also horrible at confusing people. Kinky things are both directly and indirectly often thought as mutual fun things and in power exchange relationship the kinky things are often that and so much more with that more being vitally important. If you want a power exchange relationship do not make your local community your social life and avoid both the dominants and submissives that have made it theirs. That includes you! Realize learning to play in a scene, negotiate and learn various toys has nothing to do with pursuing another and learning and living in a power exchange relationship.

At least 90% of affairs are not caused because the cheating spouse just needs excitement of a different sexual conquest and has a character defect that will always make them cheat. 90% of affairs are because the cheating spouse is not getting their needs met from their other and especially so in terms of sex and feeling sexually desirable. So if you do not want to ever worry about spouse cheating for the most part keep them well fucked on their terms, not yours, and make sure you not just say but show them how much they do it for you in bed.

Most women will only respect a man who will stand up to them. The reason is fairly basic. We will fall for, submit to, love and therefore become vulnerable to a man we feel can protect us and make us feel secure. What men do not get it is not safe from them but safe from the world so we can let our guard down. A man that we can walk over we will wonder who else will walk over him and how is he going to protect us we will not respect. While this maybe done subconsciously so most women can deny this, if you look closely it is always there. A woman leaves a man who stands up to us but treats us like crap. A woman walks all over a man who does not stand up to her until he leaves her. A woman cherishes and tries her hardest to hold a man who stands up to us but still treats us with love and priority.