Expectations

A woman wrote me about something they were very excited to try that she had gotten from something I wrote, nothing original mind you. What she wrote after getting her Master to try it was what is often a common problem we have as slaves, especially starting out and that is managing our expectations of how things are going to go or suppose to be.

Let me write about expectations of a slave in two areas in scenes and in general.

Scenes

We want magic and we want it without much thought and effort. But often magic does not come or at least comes the first time you experience something. It is quite common to here things like “It did not go like I had imagined” or “We have tried this but I did not really like it. Am I submissive like I thought?”

Often our expectations are out of whack from reality for various reasons.

Taking what we read and here from other people and wanting to feel that way so we transfer what they say they do to us and expect instant same feelings. The facts are there are often three ways to get pleasure from scenes. You have a thing for what is being done like a masochist enjoys their ass getting whipped. You have a thing for power exercised over you so that what does it for you when your other does things that are intense. Or you feed off pleasing your other and seeing them takes pleasure in your suffering.

Being submissive does not mean being a masochist and getting off or instant sub space when pain is inflicted on us. What works for us or what does not work for us is on an individual by individual basis.

Lose the desire and expectation of the fairytale. Think of scenes like you would think of sex. Being stressed out and worried because of the unknown of what is to be done or the other person generally leads to crappy sex. Most great sex is when we are relaxed and comfortable and have a clue of what is going to happen. This can go for many people with scenes as well. It takes time and trust for both people to get to the place and for helping the other get to the place they want. It can and often is a process to get comfortable and relaxed when doing these things with another person regardless of one’s experience on the other end. All the dreams, stories you heard and masturbating sessions of how something went in your mind will very rarely get replayed the first time you do something. Hopefully it might get close or at least show strong signs of it will get there but often think of first times as practice.

Fairytale expectations compared to real life are an exercise in disappointment and confusion.

Sometimes we just have to be there for them. If something just does not do it for you no matter the times and comfort level then it might just not do it for you. If you are n a M/s or some other loving type relationships then sometimes we might have to decide to be there just for them and suffer for love. That in itself can be a very nice feeling and returned to you by your other in appreciation in other areas of your life.

Expectations of the life of a 24/7 slave

“We expanded into 24/7 but nothing seems different.” or “My Master stopped doing anything.”

These and the variation to these are the two most common problems submissives ask for advice on when coming to message boards. They also get two flippant and taken on face value idiotic pieces of advice. “Dump him he is a fake Master.” or “You as the slave need to try to be a lot more submissive and proactive in serving.” The problem why I hate the answers given like they are is because there is some to significant truth in them but not totally or automatic.

People often enter 24/7 relationships two ways that tend to skew expectations.

1) From first being a bedroom submissive. Expectations get skewed because let us face it whenever we are doing bedroom submissive stuff it is usually exciting and intense. But this also can really be a problem if one thinks that the feelings and submissive levels achieved with such intensity and exciting things can be kept up 24/7 with regular life and more mundane things. The fact is they cannot be.

2) From an established relationship whether long term or short term with the original goal to become Master/slave. I read a great line on a message board about the nothing happen when we went comment. The person wrote that forget the delusion of “naturally” being dominant or submissive that people’s default is vanilla. That just talking about going 24/7 M/s or agreeing on and signing a contract does not make the relationship change automatically.

The truth is that an M/s relationships can and often fail because one or both just do not have it in them to do it. There are dominants wanting an obedient spouse who likes kinky sex but has no ability or desire to lead and dominate like a slave needs. Or a sub wanted a take charge alpha spouse but thought they would just naturally do things they would do anyway or make them feel like doing things magically/wishful thinking. So the dump them comment if wanting an M/s relationship can often be the right answer.

The truth is that how both people focus, communicate and give effort on there end when in a power exchange relationship is critical and exponentially so when starting one up. We must be honest and accept we default to vanilla. So both roles must put effort into the relationship. Regular life we cannot affect greatly what that can do to us in a M/s relationship but feedback and atmosphere coming from our other carries tremendous weight. If both people are not proactive in their role and expect just the other to be fine in theirs is basically disaster waiting to happen.

Conclusion

There is nothing wrong with expectations as long as we keep them realistic both in scope and realizing many things take time and effort. But we must also be prepared that not every expectation in this life will come true or to the degree we thought. Expectations get satisfied with effort and understanding of how to achieve them. Most things in power exchange relationships this means constant communication, time for both to relax and trust each other and doing our end to create the atmosphere we are going after that will help greatly both people.