Experience: The Big Nothing

Warning the following post might come off as very snarky and negative toward dominant men who regardless the reason they do it promote their experience and the importance of experience as phenomenally important and special. I will not say my snarky negativity on this topic would be misinterpreted because that is exactly my intention to deflate this concept.

In my time in local communities and other public communications maybe the most guaranteed thing to come across is dominant men who consider themselves experienced metaphorically shouting from an imaginary pedestal just how special and important that is. Conversely at the same time want all submissive women to know how bad and dangerous men who have no experience are.

Of course life is only slightly a billion times more complex then some generic word experience in how it gets tossed around. It also fails to hold up to any semblance of logic, is a put down to all submissives because it insinuates we can not look out for ourselves and it wrongfully tries to trump so many other more important compatibility issues. In fact just the mere attempt to take an intangible thing like experience and use it to try to make something that is inherently intangible (finding our other) tangible is a joke in itself.

Why promoting experience in this way is so stupid?

Here is a list of things one can be “experienced” with and what will emerge as a pattern to why trumping experience to be vitally important is so obnoxiously stupid and self serving.

1) “I have years of being involved in my local community for years. I have taught seminars on impact play and bondage. I can give you references from many people who I have demonstrated on”

What does this have to do with a power exchange relationship? All this states is a person who already knows how to play with some of the toys and they behave well in front of others. Well for the life of me I do not know a submissive woman in a relationship going “We have so little in common and do not enjoy being around each other, but that does not matter because he knows how to play with the toys from the first time we met.”

Also, being safe with others is just that being safe with others. Couples do 99% of things together in private and we all know people can act far different in private then in public. I work in an ER and have to deal with abusers and abuse victims far too often and most act like gentle selfless people.

Stating you play nice in a public setting does not make people who do not play in public settings dangerous by deduction. My Master makes me feel the safest I have ever felt in my life and had never done anything in public in his life of this nature.

2) “I have trained and been with a certain amount of slaves over a certain amount of years.”

The question a woman like me would ask would of course be “How come none of them stayed with you or why cannot you pick the right one for yourself?”

Do you see women lining up around the block from a man proud to communicate “I have been divorced four times.” Most of us would not call such a person an expert at marriage and in fact most of us would question if they had even one clue about marriage.

Volume does not translate to expertise.

3) “I have only been in one relationship with my wife for a certain amount of years.”

Now I will be less snarky on this one because it would be considered an asset to me personally for someone to tell me this. At the same time though what this person had with their one slave does not mean they can have with another person or anything else that is somehow transferable to be tangibly important over many other aspects.

For example, in one local community I was active in there was a man offering $100 to anyone who witnessed one particular couple communicate anything along the lines of power exchange dynamic outside of top/bottom play only. They passionately thought of themselves as Master/salve but none of us saw anything including plenty of public and private parties and often words to convey any sense of obedience from her were sarcastically slammed down by her as a no way in hell I am like that reaction.

One great relationship you had does not mean you will be a great Master with anyone.

4) The constant attempt to paint new people and/or others who are not active in local communities to be extremely dangerous.

This is by far my biggest slam on dominants who directly or even indirectly promote this concept. It has only become worse since I found my Master who never participated in a local community and only had ever done top/bottom bedroom type stuff.

For one it is a huge put down on a submissive female like me. Basically since puberty women have had to learn to take care of themselves and be able to learn and tell a safe man from a dangerous man. Obviously some women fail at this but for the most part most of us are pretty darn good at it. Why men who have never experienced aggressive people of the opposite sex who are always physically having the ability to overpower us think they have better observational powers in this area is completely beyond me.

Second this simply holds zero logic. Everyone has to get experience somehow. If new people are dangerous because they are simply new that means by logical default the windbags who preach that garbage were dangerous and therefore could still be dangerous. But of course ask them and they will tell you some noble story that shows that was not the case with them. Guess what, that is probably a true story but the giant hypocrite inside them refuses to believe that people they know nothing about might also learn in a very safe way.

5) The old scare tactic “I have seen or heard so many horror stories of new dominants sending someone to the ER.”

This is the classic use vague anecdotal evidence to make anything that a person says more believable. Well I have spent most of my career working in an ER and out of around the ten cases I have seen over the years come into the ER that were BDSM related only one was from a clueless couple. All others were long time couples who failed to remember their age or became over confident got themselves in trouble.

I see the same idiotic argument with people who ride motorcycles. Some sort of build up of false bravado as ask pretty much any rider about the dangers and they almost always say the same thing, it is really only dangerous for the inexperienced and foolish people. Well the many riders who I have seen wheeled into my place of work and almost all of them that can respond will give one of two replies. 1) I cannot believe I did that. 2) It was some idiots fault. They almost all claim years of riding and if idiots do cause crashes then that is something one cannot eliminate completely by experience.

When people use this experience angle it is obnoxiously self serving and ill logical. Often that is what a submissive is going to see as well.

In a nicer way why experience is not more important than or as important as anything else when a submissive goes looking for their long term one.

Look at it this way, ask anyone about any type of relationship dynamic out there the same question “what is important for the relationship to be a good one?” and you will not get one answer that will include experience in the answer. The reason being is there are a lot of important compatibility factors that go into making a good and healthy long term relationship go.

Just off the top of my head a couple needs to be compatible in areas like how they want to live, where they live, children, how to raise children, enjoy being around each other, enough common interests to want to be around each other enough, relationship dynamics and in a power exchange relationship a specific way in that area. There are most certainly a lot more then what I just listed.

The fact that a submissive is automatically eliminate anyone who is looking for a slave for long term who does not have “experience” is to severely limit the available pool.

In addition to this, in a big way no matter if one or both have a ton of direct experience when we get with someone new we start over building trust and finding what is going to work between the two people.

Finally, for many people like me, why would I eliminate a person who might be my long term other based on a criteria that is easy to fix when so many other things that are key are either there or not.

No, I am not bashing experience

I think experience can only be an asset and one that a person should mention as a positive. I just believe it is not only an error in judgment but depending on how you communicate this belief can be incredibly arrogant, self serving and insulting to pretty much everyone.

What I do think experience is a good thing is for two reasons.

1) Experience shows that a person has sustained in interest in at least some aspects and reduces the odds it is a flight of fancy type thing with the person. The gung ho then settle after awhile in a regular relationship can happen but in my opinion there are plenty of signs well before you commit to a long term situation to not obsess over this fact.

2) A person with experience in the toys might let the people go deeper faster IN THAT AREA when they start in that area. Not really relevant when talking about a long term relationship.

My personal experience

When I met William he had only some top/bottom bedroom play that was totally conditional stuff. He had literally no experience in power exchange or doing anything in the kinky area where the other did not get off on it in the moment.


But we hit it off on so many other levels that the time for us to grow together in this particular area was meaningless. He liked the fact I would debate him on subjects we disagreed on while still being perfectly obedient. He was drawn to my passion for my job. I was drawn to his perfect personality and the fact hero worship was not his goal but a natural enjoyment of controlling another and feeling his clear passion for the more kinky things.

Master William is not some special man. He is an ordinary man who is special for me and I hope vice versa. It not only took months for us to trust each other, to learn about and from each other in all things including the kinks but we are closing in on two years together and still a work in process to where we want to be of just the things we know about.

Despite my experience and his natural sadism it took months for us to do extensive things our play with more dangerous toys. Despite my love of all things watersports it took him months to trust my words and for him to indulge without worry in that area. I personally learned I would not want to trade any of these experiences and building up of things if William had previous experience and we could have moved maybe faster.

The same with the power exchange dynamic. If anything I think it helped greatly that William had no experience. Instead of trying to jump to a destination we it might have been easier or more on the front of our minds to explore every nook and cranny and see what works best for both of us.

I look back and while there was a lot of hours reassuring each other and endless test runs that one or both got nothing from but they were totally worth it because when you are a fit with another and that extra special thing is there it breeds a feeling like one I have never felt certainly.

Conclusion

It is not that experience is neither an asset nor a person who prefers experience in their other that is the problem when the term is brought up. The problem is promoting experience as some sort of vital ingredient when it takes so many ingredients to make a successful relationship work.

For most people with a mature and healthy outlook in life, experience is not going to be a make or break factor and to also include fear in promoting experience is somewhat insulting to us. Look at it this way male dominants, when you go looking for your long term someone do you eliminate a woman based on them having short hair all the while knowing they can grow it out? I think not.