Foundation: Part One-Structure

I moan and roll my eyes every time people start listing qualities of a good dominant/submissive or what is the foundation of power exchange relationships. The reason why the list is always qualities that are important in any good person or in any good relationship like trust, honesty and communication.

This is not that. I believe there are four important qualities that are critical to highlight as they are ones that get more emphasized in power exchange relationships. The reason being not that they are more important compared to other relationship dynamics but they are more radically different or require more conscious knowledge and effort then in other dynamic types.

To me there are four: Structure, Atmosphere, Consistency and Passion.

I want to write about them in four separate posts. So this post is dedicated to:

Part One: Structure

Structure is critical to focus on from the simple fact it probably is the biggest tangible change that occurs when we enter into a power exchange relationship.

Structure gives us the boundaries of the relationship. Without boundaries creates uncertainty. Uncertainty leads to anxiety and stress. Anxiety and stress turns us to the dark side and causes our true love to die for no actual medical cause and to name our daughter Leah which had to be torture for her in school. Ok, I may have taken the last thing a couple of steps too far but you get my point. Structure helps us contain many negative thoughts and questions that feed of the fear of the unknown.

What is structure to a power exchange relationship?

Well to me there are two types; the overall and handbook. Overall this is the big picture agreement and the baseline to keep focus on. Some might call it a mission statement. The handbook is more about how things are going to work in order to live like the overall goal is.

The overall in the power exchange is the great debate of how much power, control and impact the relationship will have on the two people. All relationships have a structure to them but are almost always not really firmly established. When couples talk about where they want to live, how they want to live, how to raise children and things of that nature. That is what is also being done when two people seek out a power exchange relationship. Two people are discussing how they want to live in general theories as well.

The handbook type structure is setting up the structure of how to turn the overall structure of the power exchange into the actual day to day part. Again all relationships have structure like this in them. Take any regular couple and even if not verbally discussed and agreed on the structure is there. Take if a couple want to have as nice as home as possible, nice cars and save money. So basically they want to earn as much money as they can. This dictates that their handbook structure is both of them will not only work but both will probably establish careers. But there is also more detailed structure as most if not all couples settle into routines for many things in life.


This is the same thing that happens with handbook structure with power exchange. Structure is set up that gives us how we are going to live in the day to day life. It is giving the slave duties and responsibilities specifically. It is things that may or may not be discussed about just like regular couples. Take punishments for example. Probably most of us did not talk specifically how an infraction would be punished or what type was how severe. But after being together for awhile a pattern should emerge and that pattern is in fact structure in the relationship.

The reason why this structure is important and why one of my key foundation points is because this can be highly flexible and it is important that once the two people start fitting together it is important that structure in this area is more firm then regular handbook structure.

The positive effect of having a well thought out, discussed and agreed upon structure

This goes back to eliminating uncertainty from the relationship between the two people. With good structure both people can focus on life, including the power exchange specific things, and not wondering where this is going or why this was done things. It allows a dominant to not worry about surprising their slave or a slave wondering what is next. What ifs do not come out of the blue but feel more natural because structure has addressed things.

Does this mean every couple needs to have set up some massive amount of detail about everything that goes on in their life and how they are dealt with?

No I am not talking about some detail instructions of what is to be done with this or that and whether it should be written down, directly communicated ahead of time or talked to death in detail whenever something comes up.

I am talking about addressing the big picture in a rational way so both are on the same page and more importantly have clear communication in the specifics so both people know what to expect both in general and in day to day life in order to eliminate uncertainty in the area of how we live.

For example, from a slave’s standpoint it is much easier and relaxing to know my Master from the start told me he was not going to pick out individual outfits for me to wear but he would be active in this area. Master gave me a guideline of what to wear and informed me he could at times pick something out or make me change type statements. This gives me structure that in this area of my life I have an understanding with my Master that he wants overall control but does not want to be bothered with the details but he still can if he wants. It gives me structure in this area so I am not lunging at unknown expectations.

This is not about details. A Master if they want can make the guidelines as detailed or generic as they want. The important factor is this area has communicated expectations.

What is the affect of poor structure?

I want to use the clothes example to show poor structure.

Now say as a couple in a severe power exchange relationship which what a slave is to wear is a basic assumed right of a dominant to have power over if they choose. But what if nothing was really communicated and maybe a dominant makes comments here or there. Maybe the dominant chooses things some days or days in a row and then does nothing and what if their tastes change but it is over time and not communicated because that is something that blends in over time.

In a situation like this a slave is left guessing at what their owner wants. Does the owner actually have strong preferences, is it just a whim here and there and does he even care or does things because it looks like the slave cares. This lack of structure will cause the slave to struggle from the uncertainty. The slave will become indecisive and end up asking a lot of how do you like this or what would you like me to wear questions often when an owner could really care less. An owner is going to get annoyed by questions about things they are not caring about or become concern that their slave seems to be having difficulties.

Structure set the boundaries up so no one goes out of control

Structure is important to deal with expectations and uncertainty. Structure does not have to be rigidly discussed on everything; it can change over time whether naturally or in clear communication and it is not about detail. But structure is important to have in all areas that the power dynamic is active in and that expectations are known and to minimalize the anxiety of the unknown.

Leap Part One: From our thoughts to real time

Far too usual of a story

I have this male dominant friend that I communicate with off and on. He wrote me about a month ago all excited about being in communication with this one potential submissive and asked me to look at her profile. I did just that and in fact was incredible how much they matched each other in the power exchange desires as they might have been literally identical in their desires and reasons. Plus just like him she had a very long profile with many journal entries that made her come off quite serious and sincere in her search. She had been active in her local community for six years and on the site for four.

Well two weeks later and many messages, IM’s and even two phone calls later he had to tell her he was no longer interested and was really hurt by the experience. What happen? Apparently while this woman in her profile and journal entries could espouse on power exchange it became clear to him she was never going to make a leap into it. According to him that even after six years of looking for the one to serve she had not even been met or been on one date with anyone that could be a possible Master including anyone in her local community. Apparently in direct communication clammed up and change topics when power exchange was brought up but could go on and on about types of play, local community’s events, national events and bottoming for demos or at play parties.

This dominant wrote her off as just another bottom with fake desires for power exchange. I argued very much he was wrong. Just from her words I read I saw a woman aching to be in a significant power exchange but was just too afraid to make the leap to actually pursue real time.

There is a big difference between being around the life and actively pursuing living the life.

Local communities can be great in many ways. Finding friends who you can talk about topics you cannot with others, learn about all the aspects of this giant tent and where you think you fit in, help overcome potential thoughts that what you crave is not screwed up but many perfectly healthy and happy people have and many other reasons. Hanging around reading/participating on websites has also great merit and can be invaluable to people.

But being involved in these things does not make someone living the life. It really is not even about exploration into the power exchange dynamic. After the basics are learned, friends met and figuring some basics out about yourself these activities are nothing more then just that, activities. They are not any different then joining a health club and end up making friends with the people when you work out together but all you do is get on a treadmill and walk then hit the juice bar. It does not make one fit or a health nut. All good things and in life we can never have too many friends but whether partaking in the social events a local community offer or spending hours instant messaging cyber friends in the life is that at some point it becomes no longer directly connected to actually getting into a real time power exchange. They are just activities and things to do to pass the time.

The reasons why people are afraid to make the leap:

People in general do not like to be out of their comfort zone. Let’s face it, whenever we try to merge two lives into one there are a lot of issues that arise and most of these come from being bumped out of our comfort zone. It is the comfortable knowledge and feelings of what we know versus the unknown which opens the possibility of greater pain in our thoughts. It is natural to be scared of the unknown.

It is the fear of rejection. Human beings often do bizarre things or at least act in irrational ways when rejection comes into the picture. Whether the fear of or actual rejection often people avoid it like the plague. No one has ever volunteered to be rejected and anytime there is an attempt to start up a relationship with someone rejection is a strong possibility. This natural hesitancy gets exponential treatment when some think about pursuing a power exchange relationship. Most people who gravitate toward a power exchange relationship are because they found regular relationships lacking or difficult for them. What happens if they try this way of life and it solves nothing for them just like regular relationship might have.

We like having an excuse for when people or we think people are wondering why you are not this or that. Many who think about pursuing the life fall into the trap of idealizing the life. It will solve all problems we have had in relationships. The other person will be a better person or more of what I am attracted to and wishing for that have no actual ties to power exchange. To pursue this life and find it not much different can cause one to have one less excuse why they are not in a good long term relationship.

The fact is pursuing something with a big goal it is just often easier and far safer to dream about it then to pursue and risking the consequences whether it is failure, a broken heart or not solving what we thought it would solve.

The false rationalizations that keeps someone from leaping

Here are some of the more common thoughts I have heard over the years and the myths behind them.

“When the right person comes around I will know it.” – None of us know that. Some may perpetuate that thought as an over romantic gesture when describing the person they love but reality does not work that way in regular life and certainly does not work in the power exchange life. People who use this as a reason they have not tried real time often treat others like people in sitcoms and point to mundane things or one sentence that could very well have been misconstrued and write them off. These people tend to fear change.

“I am exploring” – These are people unwilling to get out there and get rejected. These people often offer up the great double standard of the sexes in dating. The female wants casual but will only go out with a person who could be the one. So they are attracted to men wanting a serious relationship and know what they want because any man who expresses they are looking for casual gets blown off as a loser. But magically cannot find a man to be with because the serious dominant alpha men are not going to jump through her hoops when she cannot even convince herself that she truly wants to live a power exchange relationship. These people tend to be local community addicts. They have a lot of impact play experiences and probably have had a platonic mentor for some role play. They very well often have more physical experience then any dominant they are attracted to if they are looking for someone in their same age range.

“My submission is a precious gift” – These are the people who have taken the concept of power exchange relationship and have made it into a mythical fantasy land. They have taken what they would want out of life or cannot realistically get out of life and believe they can acquire it if they search within this life. They expect these relationships to transform themselves into far different and happier people and people desiring them to see them how others have not in the past. This is the person who has had a ton of hobbies but not one that stays, a person who changes jobs as a way to re-invent themselves, and thinks that now they are calling themselves a submissive or even dominant that the people who they were never able to attract will now be all over them. Unfortunately this is not reality and most of these people have gone down similar paths of the magical transformation journey and now find cyber dreams better then living life. These are the people often hanging out in the chat rooms and have instant messenger always on.

Only the one leaping can make the leap

I have no brilliant words how one can make the leap from thought to real time relationship. It simply falls into the category of quitting smoking, changing eating habits to lose weight, change jobs after being someplace a long time and many other examples. It simply takes willpower and effort combined with an open mind and the ability to handle set backs in a healthy way.

No one else can help a person make the leap. Not the mythical “the one”, friend in the life or anything else. The person has to do it for themselves. Others can help them get to the point but can not make the shove that divides the wishing to trying real life power exchange.

These are relationships just like all other relationships

Remember until it is pounded into your head. Repeat, these are relationships just like all other relationships. A first date is just like a first date in regular world. I do not care if we call these power exchange relationships and use terms like dominant and submissive or master and slave a person cannot make you do something you do not want to without your consent. If a person asks/orders you to do something you are not comfortable with when on the first or any early date and they take issue with the word no coming out of your mouth then they are the loser not you. Be grateful and move on.

Analyze the date just like you would any regular date. If the person bores you to tears a power exchange relationship will not fix that. If both of you have significantly different desires in important compatibility issues they will not go away because of the power dynamic being introduced. If you are not wanting to or are comfortable doing something or moving to another stage in the relationship then do not do so, and again, this should be respected.

Do not try to minimalize or think you have minimalized problems, fear of rejection or think you have bypassed real time spent by short cuts.

I do not care if the guy you like from your local community has women swooning over his skill with the flogger at public parties and demos. I do not care in front of a group of people he speaks like the perfect fit in power exchange thoughts with you. I do not care if his community friends swear he is a special guy. The moment you sit with him one on one on a date you are still starting from scratch and your judgment and desires are all that counts.

Same goes with finding a person on the Internet. I do not care how many Emails, instant messenger chats and minutes spent on the phone it took before you meet. When you sit down the first time that is when the clock starts to truly run. Do not confuse a tool to find a potential partner with the mirage that tool can somehow make the process less of a crap shoot that us human beings finding another is. The internet or local community is nothing more then a regular person going to a church social or bar hoping to meet someone to fall in love with. All they are expecting is to meet someone they like and think they might be compatible in a broad sense and go from there. They do not hang out in the church basement or bar for weeks and months until they are absolutely sure the other is the one only to find out there is quite a difference between them there and someplace else.

Remember these are relationships between two people. The dynamic will be different at some point whether sooner or later but how you meet, get to know and how you should feel and based decisions on does not ever change.

Conclusion and a somewhat apology

From the first thought, experience or stumble upon knowledge of power exchange relationships are real, possible and can be for you to actually sitting down face to face with your potential other requires effort and an open mind. The leap to be sitting in that chair next to the potential other can be difficult. It is hard because if it was easy everyone would be in a relationship. You will never find your prince or princess if you are not going to kiss any frogs. Put yourself out there and kiss as many frogs as needed to find the right one for you, otherwise you may end up with the only frog left over or no frog at all. I am here to tell you as just one person, real life power exchange relationship rocks compared to being alone in my home thinking about what if.

To all those who maybe use terms like “my submission is a precious gift” or did their time “exploring” and have made the leap and even are in relationships measured in decades that took offense to my labels I am sorry. My intention was not for those who made the leap but for those who have yet to leap. For those who have not yet leaped and take offense to the characterizations I do not apologize. I do not consider myself better then you not in any sense what so ever. Consider it my version of tough love.