Cool Factor: Forgetting what really matters

I use the term “cool factor” often when I see two things. People who think or often believe others think that there is a scale of what is better/more desired in power exchange relationships. The classic example of this is the old perception of a slave is preferred/better then a submissive who is better then a bottom. The other is when people defend themselves and judge others when they think those others doing something that they cannot, do not want or have a limit on so they need to admonish these people because the person now feels less cool. An example of this is a person writing about an activity being too dangerous to do all the while they do things that are easily equally if not more dangerous.

But I wanted to write today is not putting people down when they come down with cool factor disease but to communicate just how often we can get lost in chasing our perception of cool. We can often forget the only thing that matters is what the best fit is for us and working with our other or finding someone compatible.

Let me use the example of slave is “cooler” and preferred or a goal over a submissive.

Wishing and thinking does not always translate to the right fit

Now if I had $1,000 for every time I talked to a dominant who had little or none 24/7 experience who expressed they wanted a slave or a submissive with slave like tendencies I would have some serious coin. Now as a long time 24/7 total power exchange slave I have learned to notice and ask questions specifically to figure out how much thought and ability do these people have to actually keep a slave like me content. Often the only thought they have had is they want control when they want it or more then they have had in the past. All good, but the more control the more effort a dominant is required to put into the power exchange dynamic.

So sure it sounds cool to a dominant to want a slave so what, how and whenever thoughts can be indulged but little is thought about how a slave is actually wired. Often dominants with little or no experience in 24/7 TPE (total power exchange) fail to just comprehend how differently a slave is often tend to be wired. A dominant in a 24/7 relationship pretty much has to be an active leader nearly all the time. That takes a mindset that is often going to be felt more like work and that is no good for any type of relationship.

You will read time and time again from slaves the following in some forms: I want my owner to be concerned about my overall happiness in the relationship but cannot stand them making decisions in the moment only for my happiness or asking me too often what I want or how this was.

This is not an easy thing for a dominant to deal with and pretty much must be in your character or not. But for most of us slaves this is vital. Because for us to live and flourish in a 24/7 atmosphere we need consistency and not just switch on slave mode when called upon.

I will give you the traditional example I normally use. When picking where to go out to eat. As a slave I do not want to have a debate or ever think we are only going there just because my Master thinks I am expecting to go a certain place. I expect him to know my preferences and to factor them in when he wants to go to a place I particularly want to go or this time does not care himself. I want a Master who may or may not ask my opinion sometimes before choosing but just factors in the opinion not as a request.

Now imagine these types of thoughts going on in pretty much everything. It is responsibility and effort. Having a 24/7 slave is not about taking a human being and molding the aspects you want and tossing the rest aside. Does not work that way and often many dominants who think they want a 24/7 slave would be far better off in a different power exchange dynamic.

Checklist progression mirage

Now let us look at an example of a potential slave and how too many often go about it. Often you will hear the term “explore” (crappy selfish term) and many submissives thinking that there is some sort of checklist to go through to transform into a slave. Often they start out experiencing bottom type activities to see if they enjoy certain things. Then they wander in submissive situations which are just bottom things not done on their own time table and specifics. Then they try things here or there until they “progress” into 24/7. Also, most of the time they are trying to be with the person who they think will be their one. The key thing I am relating is that often people think these are steps to an end destination when that is not really how it is.

Now some reading what I just wrote will go that is how I did it and it worked great for me. I do understand this. My point is not that this was a person’s progression but people think these are actual steps and they need to be done in order to be the best, a 24/7 TPE slave. The things done in this life can have connections and can be totally separate.

You can be 24/7 TPE slave and not ever have to do a kinky bottom thing ever. So if the first time you get tied up or have some pain inflicted you react horribly that does not mean you are not born to be a great slave for someone. You can completely give over all power in the bedroom to your other and not have any desire to give up any power anywhere else. You can enjoy serving your other in everything but insist not during the daytime but only at night.

These different dynamics are about mind sets. They are all different and one does not build on top of another. Before your first munch or first potential date something inside you should know if giving power over appeals to you and some clue as to how much. You may be right or wrong but not too far out of the ballpark.

Why is this about “cool factor” again?

Because often people in this life trade one set of societal values that people have assigned Ok, good, better and best to and exchange it for the cool factor values of the power exchange life. Dominants wanting slaves because they think that would be better and submissive people trying to become slaves because that sounds cooler then bedroom bottom.

This leads to the mistake of forgetting what really is important and that is finding our other and living in the dynamic that suits us best. Instead we cloud up our lives and relationships chasing destinations that might not be destinations that suit us. That we compete against other people we know or read about and think there is some competition out there as to who has the perfect power exchange relationship. These thoughts then lead to having to bash other’s because if they have passed you on the mythical cool chart then they must be taken down as doing stuff that is horrific so all people see that the real mythical cool chart will ordain your relationship best.

There is a best type of relationship to shoot for as a destination

The best relationship is simple; it is a relationship that lets the people in it maximize their ability to be happy, feel and express love, and to feel free to be themselves. If children are to be brought into the picture then a warm and nurturing environment is important as well. There is not one relationship dynamic that is better then another. It is simply which dynamic is best for the people involved.

It is always a shame when people forget what really matters and search out destinations or compete against people or theories to base where they think their relationship is and not know and be happy with how it is without caring about others. It is a shame that competition in showing others how great we and our relationships are can be so prevalent that fuel for the cool factor to feed itself is never in danger of running out.