Asian women are submissive: The Big Myth

First the disclaimers! All words regarding Asian women have to do with Asian women who were brought up in Eastern culture. All words, especially between relationships between two people are based on the people being reasonably mentally healthy. All talk about culture and the behavior of people specific to the culture is based on their relationships. I am not condoning or pretending there are not problems on a grander scale. I have no interest in discussing unhealthy people and how this manifest in relationships by culture as all that does is cloud the discussion.

Two biggest myths that are just ridiculous and quite honestly insulting based on Western gender:

Males: ASIAN WOMEN ARE NOT NATURALLY SUBMISSIVE!

Women: ASIAN WOMEN ARE NOT OPPRESSED OR ABUSED (more then any other types) BY THEIR MEN OR CULTURE.

Why do these complete lies get believed by people?

There are three reasons why people who do not take the time to learn and more importantly see the behaviors and actions through our eyes and judge only through their own.

1) Public behavior is very structured, formal and has hierarchy in it. Now if you look at Western culture you will also see a lot of behavior that is structured when we are out in public. We all have learned or know about people behaving quite differently “in public” then their “private life”. Well Asian culture is very formal and taken very seriously. What you see with Asians is just how they are going to act, not because we are told by someone to act that way.

So Westerners see a woman being very respectful to her husband and think she is a natural obedient servant to him. No, Asian culture 101 do not show up another human being especially any family member. Asian culture 101 people in groups are assigned responsibilities and is not just based on gender. So when people focus on just husband to wife public behavior, yes there can be only one #1 and in public that will be the husband but most people fail to see or connect other public behavior.

A more open mind will also see that if four men are together there is probably a #1 man who is the final say over the other three. Any of the other three could have been seconds ago the number #1. The junior executive walked behind the President and got the door for him to the CEO’s office. The President then walks behind the CEO and get the door for him. This is not about kissing anyone’s ass. It is about formalized ways of doing things.

They are not bossing these people around. Things need to get done and we all know what needs to be done so therefore this is more simply a formal behavior of common human behavior. You go out with three people at work for lunch and you are not close to being equal in terms of position with that company, generally you know you are to get in the back seat. So you get in the back seat you do not wait until your boss tells you to.

When you see the woman respecting her husband what many of you fail to see is the husband is very much respecting his wife. You just choose to be prejudiced by the formal behaviors and confuse them as inconsiderate orders. Let’s be very clear here. Disrespect is very bad in Asian culture but it will be based on what we think is disrespectful not what others think.

2) People in power exchange in particular and Westerners in general far too often take something and assign it as a dominant or submissive trait or act.

In Asian culture and in all honesty Western regular culture, tasks being done have nothing to do with being dominant or submissive. Cleaning a house, doing laundry, fixing meals and getting someone something they could get for themselves is simply not submissive acts. They are just acts! A woman or anyone can only be submissive and oppressed if they are only doing them because they are following orders they would prefer not to have.

Asian woman are not following orders or doing tasks that you deem submissive. Domestic work is not remotely considered submissive work that the “dominant” male requires of his “submissive” wife. They are simply chores that have to get done as part of daily life as a human being.

3) “Traditional gender roles” are not remotely dominant and submissive. They do not “oppress” women! Most on here get that but I still want to scream it! What made them or still can make them submissive or oppressive to women is, drum roll please, IF THE WOMAN IS ORDERED DIRECTLY BY THE MALE AND/OR DOES NOT WANT TO LIVE THAT WAY BUT IS FORCED TO, period!

Guess what? Most Asian women do not see that “traditional roles” they follow are oppressive at all but in fact enjoy their private lives and the dynamic in them very much. Because I know it is difficult for some to understand then Asian man is really not making his women do and act traditional. The Asian woman is doing it on her own free will and is strongly her preferred way. I will give reasons and why in a later section.

So to sum up, do not confuse formal public behavior as how couples/genders act in private. Do not confuse or assign dominant or submissive and good or bad to roles and duties in a relationship without understanding the people living them.

The real way Asian women are

We are like all other women on the planet. We can be funny, lack any sense of humor and anywhere in between. We range from shy to outgoing, from having very submissive personalities to having very dominant personalities, very sweet to total bitches, wanting to just concentrate on being a homemaker to wanting to be the next Bill Gates, being very chaste to total sluts, and from being the salt of the earth to total gold diggers/social climbers. You get the picture?

In our relationships we behave in the range like other women. In a bad relationship if you see the two in private you will see fighting, emotional blackmail and using sex as a weapon. You would hear us talk/gossip including information about our man to our very close friends.

We enjoy getting romantic gifts, having our guys take us out and for them willing to spend time with our family.

Then why is there such a difference in the mental approach to relationships and why most Asian women accept or truly embrace traditional roles as opposed to Westerners?

It has everything to do with our spirituality which formed our culture that has been around and consistent pretty much all the way back.

Western religion/spirituality and Eastern spirituality is very different and has a major impact for those who are even not into them

Western spirituality emphasizes judgment, specific way to live, religious leaders tell you what to do more then guide you and instill it with a pass/fail fear in the next life. Basically tells one you need to be like this and the goal is for everyone to be/act like this.

Eastern spirituality emphasizes our life is an individual path. We are told not how to live as such as we are taught to develop tools and ways for us to understand life. In essence to live life in complete understanding for what it truly is. Understand the connection between anything that might be connected and to realize when things are not connected. The end game is not accomplished in one life but takes many.

Well it looks like you just trashed Western religion! No, not at all and here is how this plays out when followed or at least filters through generation after generation

Let me use an example as a best way to show you how these things change thoughts in the brain.

A person goes and buys an expensive luxury car. A friend asks them why they bought it and the person goes they liked how the car drove and felt they deserved the car and when people see them driving it they will know he is important.

Western slant: A person is taught not to be greedy and kind to others. But the friend is now judging and comparing himself to his friend. Thoughts of if he did deserve it or is he acting snobbish or thinks he is better then others.

Eastern slant: A person would be taught to think about why you want the car. That wanting it because you deserve it is a false thought. It would be considered irrelevant how others saw you in the car, as in do you really think strangers care about you or family and friends who know you care about you because of what car you drive. The friend may have feelings of jealousy if not happy for their friend but will recognize them as wasteful as it really has no impact on their life.

The point I am badly making here is that Eastern culture is about the individual path and understanding yourself and behaviors to be on a long path of enlightenment. Western culture is a constant series of judgments and evaluations of based on right or wrong.

But the biggest difference that affects this topic is two concepts observing and accepting life for what it is and understanding that often one action will set another in motion and there is a balance in life (Yin/Yang).

Eastern culture we are taught to accept things for how they are. Sounds yucky but it has good and bad points. Part of that thought is to understand life and all aspects of it in a less clouded and more honest pure way. Look at it this way at times we can really get bummed out at something trivial and have it affect our emotions, mood and subsequently our actions. Eastern spirituality we are taught and learn tools to catch ourselves in these thoughts so we do not let them contaminate us.

Yin/Yang is the understanding of our actions and mind set has in a bigger picture. Balance, harmony and peace (inner) are very huge thoughts and desired in our lives. So it has less to do about following an instruction manual to get to the next life as it is about understanding reality and ourselves to have balance and harmony in our life as this is needed to the path of total enlightenment.

Conclusion on the spirituality/culture

There is good and bad in both cultures from our spirituality.

Western culture judges way too much and clouds often confuses or get hung up on things that are not connected to something or anything in a person’s life. At the same time it is wonderful in that people look often at things and think is this right or can it be better and people are easier to accept change.

Eastern culture accepts life for what it is and concentrates on the individual on their path which can lead to a simpler emotional life, to be tolerant of people who are different and to better understand our actions which can lead to understanding and positive control of our actions and their results. At the same time it does a very poor job of the group dynamic of looking at things and thinking that is not right or we can do better, let alone make any changes that have positive impact.

In all honesty my time in both cultures I still have no clue which I think is better and more importantly have found people to be way more similar then different.

But as I write that, I will now write what makes Asian women embrace/accept things such as traditional roles and behaviors

1) Asian culture accepts things for what they are and not to attach good or bad emotions to things. Attach basically means wrong or useless. An Asian woman is not going to see the dinner that is needed to be prepared, floor to be vacuumed and load of laundry to be done and get upset or wish it away. She accepts that it is part of life just like breathing. These tasks are simply not given thought ever in terms of how can I get out of them.

For example we all go to work most of us have a time we start and most of us cannot be late or very late without negative consequences. Do we constantly hate this or wish this was not the case? Does it get us emotional? No, we have simply accepted it as part of our life and just do make an effort to show up on time.

2) Accepting things for what they are includes accepting the differences in the sexes. Westerners can argue, debate, ruin relationships and all types of other things in the battle of man is this and woman is that. All this also comes with mythical judgments, wishes and expectations of things being different that often become very personal and emotional. Asian people generally consider this totally fruitless discussion, counter productive to balance and harmony and a giant waste of time.

Here are some of the common types of things argued with. Now think about each one and the general population of couples. Do not focus on the exceptions!

a) Who in most relationships does the majority of the domestic duties?
b) Who in the relationship often cares more about the cleanliness of the home?
c) Who in the relationship is the primary caretaker of the children by choice?
d) Who is more likely to sacrifice their career, voluntarily, to have and raise children?
e) How many women marry a man that at the time or they think in the future where the man will not make or even be in the same area in terms of income as them?
f) Who is more likely to move for the other if it is job related?

Of course all these answers are women do. Asian women accept this, western women call it oppression but the reality of it is the universal traits a women desires is often an outgoing man with ambition and can and desires to provide for his family (leader type by definition). Women are not attracted to men who would want to sacrifice a career and take care of the children. This is 100% true. You cannot possibly convince me a man if he said to a woman "I am hoping to marry and once we have kids work part time or not at all and are a stay at home Dad and let my wife work" he has any woman interested in him. He is not going on any dates.

Conclusion

So an Asian woman accepts the differences between a man and a woman. They recognize the connection of acts as they tie into our lives and know we must understand these connections in how they form balance and harmony for us.

In the end, for the majority of men and women this principal to Asians reflects how to have balance and harmony in our relationships.

It’s a circle with respect and love as its center point. She wants to please him, he loves her for pleasing him, and she loves him for showing he appreciates her love and so on.

So when you see that Asian chick bending backwards to make her man happy it is not because she is submissive to him and oppressed. It is because she knows her effort in doing that will cause his love of her in the way she desires to come back to her. She is not being obedient; she is being proactive in her relationship.