How love and affection are expressed with sex

We rarely get more then the effort we put into things ourselves

I thought anybody who has read this blog or will stumble onto it in the future that I have probably bored people enough with before/searching for a power exchange relationship so I might inject some good old sex talk into it. After all the main motivation for me writing this thing is to express my thoughts that I cannot normally make in the politically correct/intolerant of conflicting thoughts world of the message board I participate in.

I kept starting and stopping in trying to plan out what I wanted to write then went to the fore mentioned message board and saw two threads that turned the old light bulb in my head. Which to say they got me pissed off. But first I will insert a link here to a post that is simply the most intelligent and for my money pitch perfect that I cannot really add to about a wife’s duties especially in sex. Please read this instead of anything I write. It is just flat out superior to anything I have ever read and especially anything I have or will ever write.

This post comes from a woman who writes about Domestic Discipline relationships but my opinion this is a healthy view for anyone in any type of relationship to have.

CLick here for the post

To sum up the two threads that I mentioned were basically the discussion how some study showed that men who did housework got more sex then those who did not and that the man needs to be responsible for their female enjoying/achieving orgasm during sex. The two pretty much unanimous answers on the housework one were of course the women will have more time and energy and reward based action. On the man’s responsibility to please his partner the answer was of course otherwise why would I submit to him if I did not get something out of it. I would like to point out these answers were from women who were in or wanting to be in power exchange relationships.

First a disclaimer, of course I know that men can do housework and that depending on the situation it might be a necessity or they might enjoy it. I also know that a person can get tired to the point of sex would be really tough to enjoy but the reality is that just is not very often and just more of a learned off the cuff excuse. Same thing with a man pleasing his woman, because a man is responsible, if wanting a power exchange relationship, that his other is happy in this aspect of her life. I just do not for one second think he should consider how good it was for her every single time he does something sexual with/to her.

When did it become acceptable in Western society that relationships operate under transactional motivations and emotional blackmail?


I ask this because this is what I see in Western relationships especially when it comes to sex. What ever happen to I have sex with the person I love and committed to because of those two things and not just what is in it for me?

We all see this in the movies and televisions played out constantly. Now I do not know if this is a chicken versus the egg discussion in terms of did the entertainment business learn from or teach this behavior. I see this all the time as perfectly acceptable behavior which I find appalling for both genders. I just think it is screwed up to ever think if a person wants to have sex with their partner they better do something out of the ordinary that is nice for the other person or always make sure it was good for the other. Love, commitment and marriage I thought was caring so much about the other person you want to be with them and make them happy and not what is in it for me every second of the day or decision to be made.

Doing something nice for the person we love should never be confused with doing something nice to get something!

Doing housework in order to get laid, get something or get out of something is not love. It is selfish behavior. Making sure every single time sex is involved you are concerned with if she achieved orgasm is not romantic or an expression of love it is some type of toll payment. Please insert quarters to move on.

Same thing on the female side, giving a “no strings” blow job, cooking a nice dinner or anything else that you do for “love” but always happens the same time you are wanting something or informing the other of a hassle is not love it is whoring your love out. Just even if you do put out when your husband wants and you bank it as a favor or think a high opinion of yourself for doing it.

That is why I will never not live a power exchange relationship. In a healthy power exchange relationship these transactional/conditional acts should no longer happen. When acts are done out of love, devotion and commitment to our agreed upon way of life then there is no need for them to be. So when expressing one’s love or doing something nice for the other person like unexpected housework it is pure not conditional. It truly is an act out of caring and love.

Sex is powerful and that should be respected

Society and even people in power exchange relationship just seem to live to downplay how important sex is in a relationship. In terms of judging one’s relationship in terms of how much and how great there is merit as a relationship is a lot more then two people fucking. But what gets lost in this message is that the simple fact is sex has an intimacy that nothing else comes close to in a relationship and therefore our expression of devotion and love for our other can often shines the brightest in this area. When I am talking sex I am including all types of physical affection. The holding of hands, cuddles on the couch, incessant kissing of each other and a bunch of other things.

Like it or not feelings for our other are reflected in this behavior. All couples feed each other in all types of relationships, even power exchange ones. How we feed our relationships can often show just how much devotion and commitment we have for our other. They also can be quite different between men and women.

Accepting men and women are different

Women like to be showed love by acts of kindness, acts that show us you are thinking about us and how we are feeling and the softer less purely sexual aspects of affection. The holding hands, cuddles and kissing for just kissing for example.

Men like to be shown love by actual actions in a grander theme. They see love when you make their favorite dinner, dress the way they like to see you and for them to think you could never get enough of their cock so anytime they want sex a smile is brought to your face or disappointment because of a very legit reason.

The problem comes in often that men and women refuse to accept and deal with how the other sex likes loved to be expressed. They start to resent when their view of how love is shown does not happen and fail to recognize and appreciate in the other person their natural way to express love. We then often decent into the transactional mode of getting what we want but it feels awful empty because often it is just that empty.

It is easy to point the finger on the other and go if only they would then I would. The reason is because there is a lot of truth to that thought. The reason is because we do feed off each other.

Love means effort and sacrifice

The simple answer is your relationship has a problem if one or neither never or not enough times expresses their love in the way the other appreciates it. Whenever anyone whether intentionally or not decides to forgo the effort to show the other in the way they are wired they are loved then there is trouble with mutual fault.

As a woman as this pertains to sex is making a conscious effort and realization that sex is not always about you, your satisfaction and if you are feeling it at the moment but understanding that sex and how you react to it a man judges how much you love them. Creating a warm bed and affection/sex is always welcomed when it can be falls upon a woman in the relationship. There are three choices, encourage it, discourage it or make it conditional/transactional. Many would like the encouragement but many often fall short in the effort and sacrifice to make that happen.

Why is this important? Because a man who feels loved by his woman will exponentially want to take care of them and this includes showing love in the way we enjoy it. Flowers will come randomly and not just on a holiday. They will want to take us out to dinner and not just do it to appease us.

Obviously there is no guarantee of getting back what you put in but at least you know what you have in your relationship and not some game of “you first” selfishness that got way out of hand.

What can be done on the woman’s end to create that feeling of love through sex

There are of course many many ways to make our man feel like we cannot get enough of them sexually so I will just point out some things I heard about or I do.

As a woman we need to understand not every sexual gesture or actual significant sex act has to be run through do I feel like it and/or this should be good for me. Please I am not saying a satisfying sex life is not a need/right on our end but understand these two concepts do not have to be mutually inclusive.

For example if he is feeling you up while snuggling on the couch but for whatever reason sex is not going to happen. Instead of pushing his hands away and making comments like “is that all you think about” why not just let him enjoy your body?

Make a fuss to be attractive to him. Now I am not talking about every single minute of every single day but if the only time it seems you as a woman make an effort to look nice is when other people see you other then your other that sends a bad signal. Try from many small things and occasional big things. Simple things like having a shirt all the way buttoned and when you see unbutton some or all of it for his pleasure. Whisper in his ear randomly about what nasty thing you want him to do to you. Grab his hand and place it on a naughty part at some random time. This is not about initiating sex but trying to show you want and like him to see you partly for the sexual being you are and he is the cause that brings it out in you.

I always make a conscious effort to try to give my Master an out of nowhere surprise no string blow job at least once a week. I literally start Monday off thinking at least once sometime this week I will try to surprise him in a situation where it is not naturally heading toward sex. This has nothing to do with sex or my oral fixation. As a slave he has the right to have sex with me and order me to give a no strings blow job at anytime he wants. What is being expressed is my love for him on his terms.

But the number one thing I learned and do is some advice my Mom gave to me. Now I am a slave and only have been in power exchange relationships when in serious relationships but I still have never been given any direct rules or rituals in how I go to bed with my Master. The advice is simple and old fashioned. She simply stated always present a warm bed for your other as the last thing you want on their mind for that day and the first thing the next morning is that you love and desire them.

So I have never gone to bed in anything other then something sexy or naked. I always try my best to be in bed before my Master and present myself with a warm smile and positions ranging from friendly to maximized dirty thoughts on his end. It makes no difference if we have sex, had sex before going to bed or if he just goes goodnight and get in and falls right to sleep. The image presented hopefully shows him I am lucky to have him share his bed with me, I love him and my body is at your disposal for your pleasure. It is attempted every night, if he has not had other ideas beforehand, regardless of the probability of sex so to never infer this for me wanting sex but just my expression of love for him.

In the end all of us can play the gender judgment game of what is right or wrong in how to express love but nothing is going to change. As a woman we must understand that how we are and treat our other sexually is extremely important to how they are going to feel about us. It is not about equal effort in the same things it is about equal effort in showing love on the other’s terms and not having a problem in doing so.

Leap Part Two: From part time to 24/7

Infatuation and having an on/off switch

So you are currently in a great relationship whether you are dating someone or you are a couple that has introduced aspects of power exchange into your life together. The goal though is for you to take it 24/7 which can often be way more troubling then it seems. Once again there is a leap to be taken!

The gap between part time and 24/7 is large because it operates on a whole different mental level. Think about it. When you are dating someone you know when the next date is. You can spend time up to that date thinking about what will or might happen. Our minds get mentally prepared for a short term. Even if the “date” last days and you are a slave the whole time your brain is functioning on some level that come the end you have some or all of your power back. In addition to this why are we even thinking of going 24/7 at this moment? One of the reasons is because we are in that infatuation/love stage were their mere presence makes our pussy’s wet and our heart’s go pitter batter and just even thinking of them releases the warm fuzzies.

Established couples much of this is the same thing. You have started something new and exciting in your life that obviously from your consideration of going to 24/7 has gone quite well. But so far situations have been just those situations. Maybe most of the power exchange situations have been bedroom only, negotiated times and things or a trial period run lets say on some or many weekends. Just like a couple getting to know each other your reactions are also going through the excitement of the newness and your brain has usually had time to prepare for what you are expecting to come. You still always have the safety of that thought that you go back to basic normal when the clock strikes a time.

24/7 means never having a start or stop time

Thoughts of 24/7 often come in two forms.

Often the over romanticize thoughts are the ones we like to focus on. These are the thoughts and feelings that I normally describe as taking feelings and behaviors from the just before, during and after of the more direct acts of domination done on us. These can be in the range from the mundane to a quite intense scene or act. The thought though that can get planted is that these deep level of submissive feelings and how this often deepens our other feelings like our love and pleasure with our dominant can be felt 24/7!

The other form is thoughts of 24/7 start to seep into our brains on a deeper level. Now instead of thinking about it when we are experiencing the warm fuzzies we start to think about it during normal activities and thoughts. This starts to scare us. We think what if my owner will no longer let me do this or do that. What if I cannot handle doing something particular every single day? All of a sudden the worse case scenarios start to appear in our head.

Irrationality of these thoughts

Well the thought of the permanent high of submissive feeling is of course a drug that does not exist. Since this is a post on making the difficult leap and people who fall to hard for this thought often leap way too easily and ignorantly that writing about this is for another time.

Now the worrisome thoughts about going to 24/7 can be healthy or cause paralysis in one’s desires and goals. Here is the reality of life. Look at any type of relationship throughout time and no matter where on earth you will see couples doing the same things only who and how they are done. Now think when you are with your other when you are on have they changed into different human beings when in the more regular aspects of life. I would hope no. I am guessing if hanging out on weekends you are having plenty of normal conversations, having some regular social activities and a whole bunch of other regular moments.

This is because even in a total power exchange relationship regular life happens. Now not to say there cannot be twists or changes in the details of these regular day to day things but in the end the person you have gotten to know, hopefully, is the person who will now own you 24/7. How they are, their interests, how they treat you, their goals and the other vital compatibilities do not get changed.

So to go to 24/7 should just have the same thought process of going 24/7 in any other type of relationship. A person to move to 24/7 should be sold on all aspects of the person they are with and not just the submissive feeling one is left with when in their other’s presence.

The thought processes that do have to be overcome

By far the number one thought process when dealing with making the leap is what I am going to lose by doing it. Obviously the positive things for the most part are not stopping us from leaping so that does leave the negative ones.

Instead of some generic words I thought I would just type out some thoughts that have popped into my head or have heard as fairly common ones and simple thoughts on those thoughts.

“What if they want me to no longer or limit my time with friends and family?” – Well have you discussed this? For most of us if they went “oh by the way, now you cannot see this person [insert close family member or friend]” before at anytime we would have gone in our mind big red flag. Now for some people that have people in our lives that are truly bad influences and someone who cares for us might be able to lead us away from them. But this should have nothing to do with power exchange. Time with others should be something you have talked about and have a compatibility with.

“Will I ever get personal time and have time for my interests?” – This is one I have heard a lot. Again we are talking compatibility. Some couples desire all personal time to be together. Some couples only see each other at bed time. Most of us like something in between those two polar opposites. You should before ever going 24/7 have some idea that both of you have compatibility in this area. You as a slave can be independent and have a bunch of interests but best find an owner who enjoys doing his own thing as well. Just like if you think we means we in most things, better find one who feels the same way.

Now I will introduce you to a term I use often and that is cyber theorist. These are people who with no real experience in long term power exchange relationships will write poetically that a slave is this and that. Often these theorists will spin a belief that even when the two people are not together or any number of situations that a slave should only be about pleasing their owner. They will mention taking classes to improve your service and having you develop a mind set where thinking about and doing things to make your owner’s life easier and pleasurable is 24/7. Let’s be realistic here. That is simply insane and a zealot over romanticized thought. I mean really could you imagine a life between two people where the other has no thoughts and desires except one! Does that sound sane?

Pleasing your owner is our number one desire otherwise how can we really be consensual slaves? It is though just one desire in a human being that is made up of many. Reality is you can spend a great deal of time when away from your owner in ways to improve yourself in your service if your owner desired or you yourself chose to in your allowed free time. I have taken classes in massage, cooking and even stripping. In fact I was a I hate cooking person until I took my first cooking class and since then it has become a very pleasurable interest for me. Even when I was taking these classes I was going to work full time and still was not sacrificing my time serving my Master nor had no other personal time.

“What is he makes me throw out all my comfortable underwear for none or uncomfortable ones?” – Well what if they do? Is that the end of your world, I think not. Again reality and motivation comes into play. Maybe he wants you to wear only thongs and you have found them uncomfortable in the past. My questions to you would be two. 1) How much effort in the past had you tried getting use to them? 2) How serious are you about M/s life or is really just about your convenience in the short term? The reality of this situation is a good slave should be able to try their best at things directed at us. This is very important; a slave must learn to identify things that have very little affected on us in the bigger picture when taken out immediate feelings. Because you tried wearing thongs for a couple of days years ago or only wear them on special occasions does not mean you have tried at all to get use to them. So why not try to please your Master by making an actual strong effort to get use to them. Now, after a long time they still cause a bad result from you then communicate that with your owner and see what can be changed.

This last example sounds lame on the surface but has everything to do with thoughts and fears of going forward. The question that a slave needs to often ask themselves when confronting troubling feelings is often very simple “What does it really matter if this is done or this happens this way?” I cannot begin to tell you how much clutter in our brains and feelings as a slave turns out to be totally useless and counter productive to our service and happiness by not realizing that an awful lot of things we do on a day to day basis have just not much importance or impact in terms of the how’s and when’s.

Conclusion

If a person is struggling with making the leap of going from part time to 24/7 I offer these points to think about:

1) You do have the right to change your mind. As a couple if the dominant will only do 24/7 then whether you can handle it or not is compatibility not failure. Any thoughts about long term negative impact should be thought about as your own mental issues and if you fear such a thing then that is pause for thought and not just about the relationship.

2) 24/7 should be thought about in all aspects of a relationship in addition to the power exchange. To go 24/7 you should want to go 24/7 in all other aspects just like any other type of relationship.

3) Be realistic about what you are feeling. The submissive high you get from moments does not last in 24/7. You should have some experience or make time to experience serving when not on some emotional high. You will be cooking and cleaning when tired and in a bad mood. You will have to put out or give blow jobs when not in the mood or when you are in the middle of something. Know you want and can be happy serving when he has not read your mind or high on love.

4) Talk things out in detail. Sit down with your other at a mundane time and feeling and not pillow talk after something blissful. Talk about what they see what they will control you in terms of day to day control, demands and changes.

5) Try mundane practice runs. Forget about being a slave 24/7 on a weekend. Try doing it for a week when both of you are working and see how that goes. Go a week without any kink things or even any sex and see how the power exchange aspects work for both of you.

In the end, the leap is different as the feelings, activities, time and anticipation can be drastically different. But the motivations and overall feeling we get as slaves though does remain and flourish. I know for me the best way I processed it was that I was running toward something instead of running from something. That made me make the leap with confidence and zealot effort.

Leap Part One: From our thoughts to real time

Far too usual of a story

I have this male dominant friend that I communicate with off and on. He wrote me about a month ago all excited about being in communication with this one potential submissive and asked me to look at her profile. I did just that and in fact was incredible how much they matched each other in the power exchange desires as they might have been literally identical in their desires and reasons. Plus just like him she had a very long profile with many journal entries that made her come off quite serious and sincere in her search. She had been active in her local community for six years and on the site for four.

Well two weeks later and many messages, IM’s and even two phone calls later he had to tell her he was no longer interested and was really hurt by the experience. What happen? Apparently while this woman in her profile and journal entries could espouse on power exchange it became clear to him she was never going to make a leap into it. According to him that even after six years of looking for the one to serve she had not even been met or been on one date with anyone that could be a possible Master including anyone in her local community. Apparently in direct communication clammed up and change topics when power exchange was brought up but could go on and on about types of play, local community’s events, national events and bottoming for demos or at play parties.

This dominant wrote her off as just another bottom with fake desires for power exchange. I argued very much he was wrong. Just from her words I read I saw a woman aching to be in a significant power exchange but was just too afraid to make the leap to actually pursue real time.

There is a big difference between being around the life and actively pursuing living the life.

Local communities can be great in many ways. Finding friends who you can talk about topics you cannot with others, learn about all the aspects of this giant tent and where you think you fit in, help overcome potential thoughts that what you crave is not screwed up but many perfectly healthy and happy people have and many other reasons. Hanging around reading/participating on websites has also great merit and can be invaluable to people.

But being involved in these things does not make someone living the life. It really is not even about exploration into the power exchange dynamic. After the basics are learned, friends met and figuring some basics out about yourself these activities are nothing more then just that, activities. They are not any different then joining a health club and end up making friends with the people when you work out together but all you do is get on a treadmill and walk then hit the juice bar. It does not make one fit or a health nut. All good things and in life we can never have too many friends but whether partaking in the social events a local community offer or spending hours instant messaging cyber friends in the life is that at some point it becomes no longer directly connected to actually getting into a real time power exchange. They are just activities and things to do to pass the time.

The reasons why people are afraid to make the leap:

People in general do not like to be out of their comfort zone. Let’s face it, whenever we try to merge two lives into one there are a lot of issues that arise and most of these come from being bumped out of our comfort zone. It is the comfortable knowledge and feelings of what we know versus the unknown which opens the possibility of greater pain in our thoughts. It is natural to be scared of the unknown.

It is the fear of rejection. Human beings often do bizarre things or at least act in irrational ways when rejection comes into the picture. Whether the fear of or actual rejection often people avoid it like the plague. No one has ever volunteered to be rejected and anytime there is an attempt to start up a relationship with someone rejection is a strong possibility. This natural hesitancy gets exponential treatment when some think about pursuing a power exchange relationship. Most people who gravitate toward a power exchange relationship are because they found regular relationships lacking or difficult for them. What happens if they try this way of life and it solves nothing for them just like regular relationship might have.

We like having an excuse for when people or we think people are wondering why you are not this or that. Many who think about pursuing the life fall into the trap of idealizing the life. It will solve all problems we have had in relationships. The other person will be a better person or more of what I am attracted to and wishing for that have no actual ties to power exchange. To pursue this life and find it not much different can cause one to have one less excuse why they are not in a good long term relationship.

The fact is pursuing something with a big goal it is just often easier and far safer to dream about it then to pursue and risking the consequences whether it is failure, a broken heart or not solving what we thought it would solve.

The false rationalizations that keeps someone from leaping

Here are some of the more common thoughts I have heard over the years and the myths behind them.

“When the right person comes around I will know it.” – None of us know that. Some may perpetuate that thought as an over romantic gesture when describing the person they love but reality does not work that way in regular life and certainly does not work in the power exchange life. People who use this as a reason they have not tried real time often treat others like people in sitcoms and point to mundane things or one sentence that could very well have been misconstrued and write them off. These people tend to fear change.

“I am exploring” – These are people unwilling to get out there and get rejected. These people often offer up the great double standard of the sexes in dating. The female wants casual but will only go out with a person who could be the one. So they are attracted to men wanting a serious relationship and know what they want because any man who expresses they are looking for casual gets blown off as a loser. But magically cannot find a man to be with because the serious dominant alpha men are not going to jump through her hoops when she cannot even convince herself that she truly wants to live a power exchange relationship. These people tend to be local community addicts. They have a lot of impact play experiences and probably have had a platonic mentor for some role play. They very well often have more physical experience then any dominant they are attracted to if they are looking for someone in their same age range.

“My submission is a precious gift” – These are the people who have taken the concept of power exchange relationship and have made it into a mythical fantasy land. They have taken what they would want out of life or cannot realistically get out of life and believe they can acquire it if they search within this life. They expect these relationships to transform themselves into far different and happier people and people desiring them to see them how others have not in the past. This is the person who has had a ton of hobbies but not one that stays, a person who changes jobs as a way to re-invent themselves, and thinks that now they are calling themselves a submissive or even dominant that the people who they were never able to attract will now be all over them. Unfortunately this is not reality and most of these people have gone down similar paths of the magical transformation journey and now find cyber dreams better then living life. These are the people often hanging out in the chat rooms and have instant messenger always on.

Only the one leaping can make the leap

I have no brilliant words how one can make the leap from thought to real time relationship. It simply falls into the category of quitting smoking, changing eating habits to lose weight, change jobs after being someplace a long time and many other examples. It simply takes willpower and effort combined with an open mind and the ability to handle set backs in a healthy way.

No one else can help a person make the leap. Not the mythical “the one”, friend in the life or anything else. The person has to do it for themselves. Others can help them get to the point but can not make the shove that divides the wishing to trying real life power exchange.

These are relationships just like all other relationships

Remember until it is pounded into your head. Repeat, these are relationships just like all other relationships. A first date is just like a first date in regular world. I do not care if we call these power exchange relationships and use terms like dominant and submissive or master and slave a person cannot make you do something you do not want to without your consent. If a person asks/orders you to do something you are not comfortable with when on the first or any early date and they take issue with the word no coming out of your mouth then they are the loser not you. Be grateful and move on.

Analyze the date just like you would any regular date. If the person bores you to tears a power exchange relationship will not fix that. If both of you have significantly different desires in important compatibility issues they will not go away because of the power dynamic being introduced. If you are not wanting to or are comfortable doing something or moving to another stage in the relationship then do not do so, and again, this should be respected.

Do not try to minimalize or think you have minimalized problems, fear of rejection or think you have bypassed real time spent by short cuts.

I do not care if the guy you like from your local community has women swooning over his skill with the flogger at public parties and demos. I do not care in front of a group of people he speaks like the perfect fit in power exchange thoughts with you. I do not care if his community friends swear he is a special guy. The moment you sit with him one on one on a date you are still starting from scratch and your judgment and desires are all that counts.

Same goes with finding a person on the Internet. I do not care how many Emails, instant messenger chats and minutes spent on the phone it took before you meet. When you sit down the first time that is when the clock starts to truly run. Do not confuse a tool to find a potential partner with the mirage that tool can somehow make the process less of a crap shoot that us human beings finding another is. The internet or local community is nothing more then a regular person going to a church social or bar hoping to meet someone to fall in love with. All they are expecting is to meet someone they like and think they might be compatible in a broad sense and go from there. They do not hang out in the church basement or bar for weeks and months until they are absolutely sure the other is the one only to find out there is quite a difference between them there and someplace else.

Remember these are relationships between two people. The dynamic will be different at some point whether sooner or later but how you meet, get to know and how you should feel and based decisions on does not ever change.

Conclusion and a somewhat apology

From the first thought, experience or stumble upon knowledge of power exchange relationships are real, possible and can be for you to actually sitting down face to face with your potential other requires effort and an open mind. The leap to be sitting in that chair next to the potential other can be difficult. It is hard because if it was easy everyone would be in a relationship. You will never find your prince or princess if you are not going to kiss any frogs. Put yourself out there and kiss as many frogs as needed to find the right one for you, otherwise you may end up with the only frog left over or no frog at all. I am here to tell you as just one person, real life power exchange relationship rocks compared to being alone in my home thinking about what if.

To all those who maybe use terms like “my submission is a precious gift” or did their time “exploring” and have made the leap and even are in relationships measured in decades that took offense to my labels I am sorry. My intention was not for those who made the leap but for those who have yet to leap. For those who have not yet leaped and take offense to the characterizations I do not apologize. I do not consider myself better then you not in any sense what so ever. Consider it my version of tough love.

Gaining trust goes both ways

Trust is a two way street. We often just focus on the trust the male tries to earn so the female will commit and submit to them but the fact is a female submissive must earn the trust of her dominant that their words of what they are wanting and their willingness to endure the power exchange life from the mundane to the super intense are genuine.

There is a big misconception in my mind that is no ones fault but the natural circumstances seem to naturally perpetuate. Most us women want to dive deep into the romantic portions of a relationship. We want to be swept off our feet by the awesomeness of the man that wins our heart. That everything goes smoothly and pitch perfect. That the man is a completed product only needing to input the woman’s specific information into his brain and mould the dream life. Dominants often promote themselves in this fashion. For some reason anything less then all knowing and shouting I have experience from a pedestal is looked down on as a sign of weakness. That no interaction described does not have a simple solution.

But this is simply not the case. A dominant starts from scratch with their submissive on the same level as a submissive. All the experience of the power exchange dynamic means nothing between the two. Of course the “experience” dominant is safe with his toys and can point to play parties. But those play parties have experience pain sluts volunteering for which he knows them. His new submissive which is a romantic one has never felt his infliction or never taken an order of any type from him, for example what is her reaction during and after the first time he orders her to clean the house as he sits on the couch watching a game. He does not know after one strike she shouts out the safety word. He does not know after one “scene” she turns cold to him. He does not know that one day of following orders she is thinking that is enough of this. This is the trust she must earn! That her obedience is there, her dedication to the power exchange dynamic is not conditional and her devotion to him is always present and her willingness to show and prove it is an honor not an insult.

A Master to feel free and comfortable in his power exchange relationship must trust his submissive. He must know that orders and actions no longer have to be based on the credit system and mood of his submissive like a regular relationship quite often is. He must trust the slave’s words and actions are true not conditional or playing an angle. A submissive does this by time and effort. We do not earn that trust when we are in the infatuation stage of the beginning of the relationship where neither can do no wrong and is sheer perfection. We do not earn it when we do or are made to do things we like or want to do anyway. We earn it when we suffer for them that can often show our devotion to them and the power dynamic. We earn it when we serve them when not our physical best. We earn it by not copping an attitude because they fail to read our mind our body language and turn power exchange dynamic conditional on our current mood.

My Master had only one relationship prior to me which was 100% merely a top/bottom totally conditional one. I was a decade experienced slave most of that time 24/7. His words ache for a slave to own in a severe power exchange relationship which was intoxicating to me. From the first message, first phone call and first meeting if I was not a passionate realist I would say it was a magical fate. Even with this playing out and our experience levels the romantic version played out on the web and many revisionist histories of people talking about their own relationships was not there.

Our first play was a light over the knee spanking. The first bondage was my hands tied so lightly and easy to get out of if I wanted. Our first time having sex had new time awkwardness and stress. The first vanilla order was to change the trash can bag. The first disagreement was about him always cleaning his house spotless before I visited. Nothing in much of being the first would be described on the grand epic romantic side.

The reason is because trust and devotion both feeling and knowing the other feels it takes time and comes in degrees. It can not be planned out when one reaches the destination. Then at some point the degree and level is so complete it feels like a destination has been reached. Where nothing is held back or worried about. That my Master has the confidence he can do what he likes to me and exert the level of control he desires and has complete trust and faith that this will be met with love and devotion for him.

This elusive destination happen to us on this past weekend. He had shared dreams and fantasies during our time being together. Some realistic some just to stay fantasies. I remember early on him sharing on such fantasy about a weekend and my reply was I do not see why that could not be reality someday and he seemed stunned why a person like me would be willing to endure that for him. I remember me replying how a slave could not be willing to endure that for her Master. He fulfilled that fantasy this past weekend. With the level of love, trust and my desire to show my devotion to this beautiful man and feeding off the pleasure he enjoyed as his sadistic and kinky mind let him indulge in from the confidence, love and trust he has in me allowed me to endure without faltering. I hope all during the weekend and afterwards he could look into my eyes and see the absolute love and devotion I have for him. His brain, heart and soul and his ability and desire to dominate me on such a level I thought could not be possible.

I am truly blessed to call him my Master.

Getting health advice off the Internet

Look there is a ton of great information to be gained in this area of health. WebMD and sites like that are incredibly solid sources. Message boards for specific problems are spectacular for people dealing with those problems.

On the other hand looking for help on the Internet before doing something whether before doing something or dealing with a problem is very risky. In particular I know of several message boards on BDSM that have health and safety sections. I also know that very few people who post in those sections are in the direct medical fields and many like me avoid those sections like the plague.

The reasons are very simple. Medical problems are not simple. There are extremely few things that have simple this is what it is and can be treated simply by doing this. Everyone is different and it is somewhat crazy to take advice from a complete stranger who you do not know. When I click on these types of posts often it is people looking for the answer they want to hear and not open to any other. This is bad.

The reason people like me do not touch these topics is because we know better. When someone goes this happen to me or can I do this I cannot even venture a guess because I have no idea. No one really knows the overall health of the person, their medical history, medications they are already on, what type of information they might be withholding or are not aware enough to disclose and other reasons. Health and safety is relative and not a fixed position.

So please avoid using the Internet to try to avoid seeing a doctor or to save some money. It is a great tool to gather information before going to the doctor to help ask and answer questions and great for after if you want to research what the doctor told you. It is though a dangerous game if you try to replace a doctor with words read.

Doctors and BDSM

I see and get asked a lot about this. Are there doctors BDSM friendly. Yes, the answer is all doctors are BDSM friendly. Now of course I am not really answering that question as people are asking that are wanting to see a doctor and not be scared or freak out the doctor with presenting information or innocent bruises or something directly needs to be treated.

Understand something, doctors and nurses are just like you and treat our jobs the same way. Just like you on your job have probably seen it all in the specific things that are a part of your job we are the same. I work in an ER and judging goes out the window roughly the first day I started working. BDSM injuries or questions are just not all that interesting and at worse are going to be turned into some faceless anecdote. The bigger problem is caused when people lie about things as it hurts the possible treatment if we do not know what to ask or look for. Trust me even a smile and some small talk amongst ourselves is your biggest worry and that is for a few seconds that is out of our heads as soon as it hits our ears.

In terms of being afraid of them calling the police in terms of abuse most doctors and nurses have seen it all and can spot BDSM marks from abuse. Even when that does not happen we are trained and also all social workers and police are trained to look for mental symptoms and clues if it is abuse or accident. Being nervous and lying is not good. Being calm and matter of fact is. The big picture is you are just another patient in an endless stream.

Now for your regular doctor if you live in a small populated area and/or socialize in the same circle as your doctor then find another doctor if this makes you nervous. Just do not worry about going to see the doctor of your choice. If they are rude or judgmental of your choices just find another. They probably are rude and judgmental to many other patients anyway.

The hypocrisy of how safety is discussed

Safety in the activities we in this life do:

For pretty much my whole time in this life of ours I have been driven crazy or just flat out get mad about how safety is discussed. Now let me be very clear, safety of all types is very important and I do not mean this to be some catch all disclaimer. Unfortunately in my opinion when safety is actually discussed in terms of BDSM play it really has very little to do with actual safety and understanding the risks and more importantly the level of risk. What usually is being discussed is a person not liking what is being discussed and is using safety in a hypocritical and judgmental reason why they do not do that type of play.

I am an RN. Pretty much guaranteed that 90+ percent of the people reading this I know significantly more about health and the human body then you. I also live a conscious attempt to not assume everyone is dumb and ignorant so the only way to communicate is by writing in worse case scenario tones. I just refuse to do it. I write this as an instant rebuttal to all that will mistake this entry as an entry to ignore safety or some personal attack on you a stranger I have never met.

We need to be honest and clear with ourselves; risk is part of almost everyone’s life and nearly on a daily basis. What smart people do is understand and acknowledge the risks they take and then try to minimalize the dangers as far as they are wanting to. That is what really safety is all about in the end.

It is unfortunate but people into BDSM and power exchange have little trouble pointing out what is unhealthy and has risk in things they do not partake in all the while acting like what they partake in can be just as unhealthy and risky and depending on the subject even more is certainly possible. So what do these people do, they play the worse case scenario game. The topic of a gang bang comes up and the anti people paint a picture of strange men picked off the street lined way outside the bedroom all going to have unprotective sex with the female. Heck, I know of women who refuse to swallow cum from their monogamous spouse and try to claim serious health concerns.

Now I have a problem with the people who play the worse case scenario game but the other aspect of pointing out legit health concerns I understand and do see the need and service it provides. The problem is in the motivation and perspective the person is usually sharing the information. I see two main reasons behind the look out safety people. 1)The I do not do it but think others might think of me as less cool or less of a submissive so therefore will harp on the safety issue. 2) For people who actually are not willing to do it specifically out of a risk they are unwilling to do no matter the actual risk level.

But the problem with “you should not do this” or “I do not do this because” (which infers you are stupid if you do) is it is often complete hypocrisy in action. The classic example I like to use is the pack a day smoker telling the person eating fast food how bad it is for them. There are risks in pretty much anything we do. Anytime you hop on a motorcycle, drive a car over a certain speed, not use a seatbelt, not exercise, smoke, drink, eat poorly, too overweight, too underweight, sky dive, scuba dive and heck even when we exercise there is risk and a ton of other things. It is unfortunate that life in general but even more prevalent in BDSM activities is to point out things we do not do as dangerous without thought to things we do can be and often just simply are just as if not more dangerous.

This has often bugged me because with all the activities that come under the wide tent of BDSM it seems that almost all the S&M activities get a free pass but many of the humiliation and degradation activities get picked apart. Well I hate to break it to some of you but bondage of any type has risks. So does any impact play. Also despite how people promote themselves in this life you were not a virgin when you met your Master or slave. Most have had multiple sex partners and many this is more then just measured on one hand and was not just with people you ended up married to.

This goes for mental health as well. A person is either mentally healthy or not. They can either handle it mentally or not. The dominant is either an abuser or not. The non abusive dominant cannot be responsible for another person’s mental health. I bring this up because of the blatant hypocrisy about humiliation and degradation play as opposed to bondage and S&M play. In every thread on a message board about humiliation or degradation or in talk within a local community people pounce on the mental issues and how dangerous it is. This is junk. Of course for people with mental issues and/or were verbally and emotionally abused this is very dangerous. It is junk because the same people that preach this never ever qualify any S&M discussion with people who were physically abused this is extremely dangerous. It is people using a very serious topic, health, and using it to promote their values and beliefs as the right ones and not just personal preferences.

So the next time you talk or write about safety try to avoid phrasing it as you should not do this or out of an excuse because you think others might not think you are cool. Because I am willing to bet my life savings that the person who eats healthy, does not smoke, exercises regularly and when chooses to do other things that are risky try to minimalize that risk is going to live longer and in better health then one who partakes in one or more of those poor habits and does not partake in any “unhealthy” BDSM activity.

Domination and Submission: Two distinct things!

This is perhaps my biggest pet peeve when people discuss this life. There is an absolute obsession in terms of the focus is way too centered on a slave’s obedience as the main factor in M/s. That submissive means obey and a Master basically is about knowing how to use his toys and training his slave to his preference.

Where I have a profile and post on a message board I have had up to fifty women write me privately in response to how I view the need to be dominated and what it encompasses. I will probably write a detail of this sometime later but in summary a Master must dominate me. A Master forces his will and desires on me. A Master indulges in his pleasures without remorse. A Master cares about the big picture about my needs and happiness but does not worry about them in a moment.

Vanilla example: He picks the movie we are going to see period. He may consider my opinion and he may choose a movie he does not care for but knows I really want to see but the choice is up to him and him only. There is no keeping score or attitude allowed by me if I do not get my preference. There is not just cosmetic play of pretend power where he makes the decision but the decision is always based on what a regular couple would normally do.

Kink example: I do not have a masochistic bone in my body. My Master is very much a sadist. When he decides to inflict pain on me it is simply because he feels like it. There is no goal of sub space or orgasms for me but only his reasons and goals. My body is his to do whatever he likes to it not play time is mutual fun time. To inflict pain may, mark me, and make me cry and scream for his desire and pleasure dominates me to the very core. The need and long term thrill of it is that he does things to me with no thought or care about my pleasure. He takes because he has the absolute right. I suffer to please him, show my devotion and zealot commitment to the way we want our life to be lived. The moments suck, the long term effects are amazing for me.

That is some examples and talk on domination. The women who have written me all go yes that is me and can you actually find a Master who understands and does that. Of course the answer is yes, but it is rare. So here is some vital information to all dominants out there who desire a slave, submissive with slave tendencies and any other way you want to describe a severe power exchange relationship:

DOMINATION AND SUBMISSION ARE TWO VERY DIFFERENT THINGS THAT WORK TOGETHER!

Women like me that have submissive personalities and are submissive in our relationships in the first place. We are not seeking out severe power exchange relationship just because of these submissive feelings. We all can live very regular lives and have are submissive nature taken care of. We all have whether in a power exchange relationship or not in the past dressed in ways our other found attractive. We all have done domestic things without complaint. We all have put out in whatever way and whenever the person we care for wanted us. We all have obeyed or inquired what our other was wanting from us. There are people all over the world with significant submissive personalities living healthy and happy lives in regular type relationships.

The reason most if not all women who enjoy severe power exchange relationships are looking for Masters is because they want/need to fell dominated both physically and mentally in their lives. Domination is effort, leadership and energy that the dominant actively brings to the relationship. It is about forcing your will and desires on your slave without concern for theirs in the immediate nature within the scope of the relationship and not just about getting your slave to obey and punish if they disobey!

Being dominant is not just about training a submissive to the way you want them to behave and do things how and when you want them. It is not just train and punish if a mistake. It is not just about if your submissive is obedient or not. Failures, mistakes and attitude issues are not always or even mostly about the submissive not getting it, screwing up or not submissive enough.

Many dominants who are looking for a slave and become obsesses about a slave being obedient or what you think an obedient slave is and go on to basically think as a dominant that all you need to do is train to your specification and punish if a mistake happens. All of you who are dismissive about all kinks or treat them as sexual fun or just rewards and having more then one rule (obey) is for losers because you are a natural dominant. For all of you like this, there is a reason why you cannot find a person who is sincere into severe power exchange you are bringing very little to the table. A woman like me needs to be dominated and that takes more then setting up guidelines and just thinking a slave only needs to please and see her Master happy.

There will be some that think I just described a slave who requires too much work and to those I go nice try. By no means what I just wrote infers that conscious domination needs to be done constantly or even daily. But it is about over all attitude, direction and actions.

I will close with examples between domination and guiding your submissive. I repeat not that guiding your submissive is not a significant part of these relationships but not all just a part. So is domination!

Giving you slave guidelines to how you want her to dress is guiding a submissive (GAS).
Picking out exactly what you want her to wear is an act of domination (AOD).

Teaching your slave to inquire if you would like something or if she can give you a blow job while you are watching a game on TV is GAS.
To grab her and shove her head to your cock and throat fuck her until you cum and then dismiss her without much acknowledgment is an AOD.

Giving her rules about talking on the phone to friends in general is GAS.
When on the phone telling her to get off immediately is an AOD.

Playing in the dungeon where you are overly concerned or try to make sure your slave gets to sub space or sexually pleased in a way is too people having fun with kink.
Inflicting pain and/or putting your slave in bondage and not giving a damn if this time is pleasurable or not it is all about you is an AOD.

In fact the key for me personally is knowing my Master is indulging in what he wants and not doing things because he thinks I want him to. So the more powerful, overt, painful and disgusting things done to me knowing they do not bring me pleasure by themselves are all very strong acts of domination. To me mainly because if I know he can do these things to me for whatever reason I know all the smaller things are done for that reason and makes all the wonderful things he does do just for me more pure and special!