Getting Started

Where or how do I go about getting into this way of life?

This question is asked all the time with people from both roles and genders that have been drawn to read up and create a profile but not sure how to get active. Almost all the answers when this question is posed on a message board is to become active in your local community or read up as much on it as you can.

I feel those are too quaint and are like handing a paint brush, paint and canvas to a person who asks how to be a painter. So with my ability to be long winded and show off a know it all attitude I will dive more in depth here.

Get to know yourself

This is it. This is what will separate a good chance at success from certain failure ranging from short term to long term. There are many things that are needed to know one in order to truly get to the place you want to go in some sort of power exchange relationship. Here are the things that often are not well thought out or more importantly we have thought about ourselves.

What are you meant to be power exchange wise?

Congratulations something has called to you to want to get into this way of life. I say the more the merrier personally and do not think it cheapens me in any way to have more people in the life. But this life is actually a huge tent and not one size fits all. What you are about within this life is critical in knowing.

Now I am not saying you will need to pinpoint yourself down to exactly what you are about or wanting but you should have a pretty good idea of what you think you are and wanting if you having giving it some serious reflection. To me there are three areas that depending on how you are drawn to them or if you are drawn to them that can go a long way to finding what you want to pursue.

1) Control – You should have some strong idea if either giving up control or controlling another person appeals to you and how much. It is either going to appeal to you specifically to give up control or take control of certain or many things especially decisions that involve the other in our life. For a submissive does it appeal to you to have a person tell you where we are going to go eat and would rather go someplace we hate then go someplace where we love but know our other would just prefer not to go. As a dominant can you make decisions easily without much input or factoring too much where the decision is based on what you think the other would like.

Many people often think of control in terms of in the moment examples of thought about power exchange situations but the truth is without one day of experience you should have some idea if you are a person who needs to give control or wants to take control of a situation WITH a person you care for. This is not just about the other person being happy with what you have done but wanting to know you are doing what they want you to do.

Obviously the more control you want to give over or have over someone the more severe power exchange relationship you are looking for and vice versa.

2) dominations/submission – On some level do you enjoy one or both of these aspects.

Domination and submission are two very different things. So a person must understand if they are into one or both. Domination is about forcing or being forced in some way doing something that you or your other may not have done if it was totally up to them. It is an active thing a dominant can bring to a power exchange relationship.

Submission is about enjoying or seeing your other enjoy doing things for the dominant. This is more of the day to day obedience type aspects of a power exchange life. It is about things rarely talked about once set up but is just done in the relationship. Yes, we submit to being dominated but submission is a much larger part of the day to day life.

3) Motivation for the kinky things – Why have some of these things turned you on?

This should be rather clear if you think about it. Does the pure physical nature of the kink the actual draw or the intensity of doing the kink to or for the other the draw? Obviously they can be both but there should still be some clear thought on what your thought of doing those things does for you. For example for me sensory depravation is awesome because it prevents feedback to my Master so I know he is doing things to me solely for his enjoyment and this relaxes me greatly and gives me pleasure knowing he is having fun with my body. There are plenty of others that love sensory depravation purely from the increased intensity of how it directly feels.

Basically if all of your interest lies in what you directly get from kinky play then you are more of a top/bottom and to pursue a more significant power exchange relationship just in order to get this is foolish on your nature. Same with a person who gets more from these things by feeding off the dominants pleasure/reactions or a dominant who gets off on seeing a person helpless and suffering just out of love and devotion to you that to be paired with just a top/bottom will not be good.

Without thinking these things through often you can get into any relationship or spend too much time with other compatibility factors and find out you are not compatible. Not knowing and being upfront what you are about can only cause problems. This is where you see dominants wanting a significant power exchange complain about do me subs and submissive looking foe severe control complain about dominants who are passive wimps.

Need to know how you are in being with people

This is fairly straightforward. Generally there is going to be two types of people.

1) No problem with casual relationships. Generally a person that will does not have to be deeply in love or be with a person in general that could be our one in order to be in a relationship. If you are like this then it gives you the option to explore more directly in figuring out what type of power dynamic is best for you.

2) You can only dominate or be submissive to someone you love and think could be the one. This is self explanatory and will require you to be as sure as you can in what you seek out power exchange related. What dynamic and how severe is a compatibility factor in a relationship. Investing months in falling for someone then finding out you are not compatible in the power exchange dynamic can and has happened a lot. This is why it is critical to have some solid understanding of what you are about and not do see where this takes me adventure like attitude if you are only going to dive into it in a serious and possible long term relationship.

What is the best way to go about things FOR YOU!

Everyone will love to give you an opinion, me included, of what they think is the best way to do this or go about it but in the end the journey is a personal one.

Maybe you are an outgoing hands on learn by seeing talking and doing type then you are pretty much then going to be interested in getting active in your local community. Maybe you are shy, very private and/or not close to a vibrant local community then learning and pursuing on the Internet is the best way for you.

In my FAQ blog I wrote about these posts on the good and bad of both local communities and the Internet if you want to read more of my know it all words.

I will just expand on a few things there are no one size fits all steps in power exchange relationships. They are like any other type of relationships and you will see all types with all kinds of people. Some you will scratch your head and wonder and some you will identify with strongly. Some go running in blind others go in at a glacier pace and anywhere in between. Some can do long distance until it is time and can move others cannot handle being farther away from the other by ten miles. For some it might work to start out as just fun bottom play and progress from there and for others it is 24/7 total power exchange or bust.

Each of our paths is different in life and this includes our journey into the power exchange life. The best way is the way that works for you and not someone telling you this is how you should go about it.

Leap Part One: From our thoughts to real time

Far too usual of a story

I have this male dominant friend that I communicate with off and on. He wrote me about a month ago all excited about being in communication with this one potential submissive and asked me to look at her profile. I did just that and in fact was incredible how much they matched each other in the power exchange desires as they might have been literally identical in their desires and reasons. Plus just like him she had a very long profile with many journal entries that made her come off quite serious and sincere in her search. She had been active in her local community for six years and on the site for four.

Well two weeks later and many messages, IM’s and even two phone calls later he had to tell her he was no longer interested and was really hurt by the experience. What happen? Apparently while this woman in her profile and journal entries could espouse on power exchange it became clear to him she was never going to make a leap into it. According to him that even after six years of looking for the one to serve she had not even been met or been on one date with anyone that could be a possible Master including anyone in her local community. Apparently in direct communication clammed up and change topics when power exchange was brought up but could go on and on about types of play, local community’s events, national events and bottoming for demos or at play parties.

This dominant wrote her off as just another bottom with fake desires for power exchange. I argued very much he was wrong. Just from her words I read I saw a woman aching to be in a significant power exchange but was just too afraid to make the leap to actually pursue real time.

There is a big difference between being around the life and actively pursuing living the life.

Local communities can be great in many ways. Finding friends who you can talk about topics you cannot with others, learn about all the aspects of this giant tent and where you think you fit in, help overcome potential thoughts that what you crave is not screwed up but many perfectly healthy and happy people have and many other reasons. Hanging around reading/participating on websites has also great merit and can be invaluable to people.

But being involved in these things does not make someone living the life. It really is not even about exploration into the power exchange dynamic. After the basics are learned, friends met and figuring some basics out about yourself these activities are nothing more then just that, activities. They are not any different then joining a health club and end up making friends with the people when you work out together but all you do is get on a treadmill and walk then hit the juice bar. It does not make one fit or a health nut. All good things and in life we can never have too many friends but whether partaking in the social events a local community offer or spending hours instant messaging cyber friends in the life is that at some point it becomes no longer directly connected to actually getting into a real time power exchange. They are just activities and things to do to pass the time.

The reasons why people are afraid to make the leap:

People in general do not like to be out of their comfort zone. Let’s face it, whenever we try to merge two lives into one there are a lot of issues that arise and most of these come from being bumped out of our comfort zone. It is the comfortable knowledge and feelings of what we know versus the unknown which opens the possibility of greater pain in our thoughts. It is natural to be scared of the unknown.

It is the fear of rejection. Human beings often do bizarre things or at least act in irrational ways when rejection comes into the picture. Whether the fear of or actual rejection often people avoid it like the plague. No one has ever volunteered to be rejected and anytime there is an attempt to start up a relationship with someone rejection is a strong possibility. This natural hesitancy gets exponential treatment when some think about pursuing a power exchange relationship. Most people who gravitate toward a power exchange relationship are because they found regular relationships lacking or difficult for them. What happens if they try this way of life and it solves nothing for them just like regular relationship might have.

We like having an excuse for when people or we think people are wondering why you are not this or that. Many who think about pursuing the life fall into the trap of idealizing the life. It will solve all problems we have had in relationships. The other person will be a better person or more of what I am attracted to and wishing for that have no actual ties to power exchange. To pursue this life and find it not much different can cause one to have one less excuse why they are not in a good long term relationship.

The fact is pursuing something with a big goal it is just often easier and far safer to dream about it then to pursue and risking the consequences whether it is failure, a broken heart or not solving what we thought it would solve.

The false rationalizations that keeps someone from leaping

Here are some of the more common thoughts I have heard over the years and the myths behind them.

“When the right person comes around I will know it.” – None of us know that. Some may perpetuate that thought as an over romantic gesture when describing the person they love but reality does not work that way in regular life and certainly does not work in the power exchange life. People who use this as a reason they have not tried real time often treat others like people in sitcoms and point to mundane things or one sentence that could very well have been misconstrued and write them off. These people tend to fear change.

“I am exploring” – These are people unwilling to get out there and get rejected. These people often offer up the great double standard of the sexes in dating. The female wants casual but will only go out with a person who could be the one. So they are attracted to men wanting a serious relationship and know what they want because any man who expresses they are looking for casual gets blown off as a loser. But magically cannot find a man to be with because the serious dominant alpha men are not going to jump through her hoops when she cannot even convince herself that she truly wants to live a power exchange relationship. These people tend to be local community addicts. They have a lot of impact play experiences and probably have had a platonic mentor for some role play. They very well often have more physical experience then any dominant they are attracted to if they are looking for someone in their same age range.

“My submission is a precious gift” – These are the people who have taken the concept of power exchange relationship and have made it into a mythical fantasy land. They have taken what they would want out of life or cannot realistically get out of life and believe they can acquire it if they search within this life. They expect these relationships to transform themselves into far different and happier people and people desiring them to see them how others have not in the past. This is the person who has had a ton of hobbies but not one that stays, a person who changes jobs as a way to re-invent themselves, and thinks that now they are calling themselves a submissive or even dominant that the people who they were never able to attract will now be all over them. Unfortunately this is not reality and most of these people have gone down similar paths of the magical transformation journey and now find cyber dreams better then living life. These are the people often hanging out in the chat rooms and have instant messenger always on.

Only the one leaping can make the leap

I have no brilliant words how one can make the leap from thought to real time relationship. It simply falls into the category of quitting smoking, changing eating habits to lose weight, change jobs after being someplace a long time and many other examples. It simply takes willpower and effort combined with an open mind and the ability to handle set backs in a healthy way.

No one else can help a person make the leap. Not the mythical “the one”, friend in the life or anything else. The person has to do it for themselves. Others can help them get to the point but can not make the shove that divides the wishing to trying real life power exchange.

These are relationships just like all other relationships

Remember until it is pounded into your head. Repeat, these are relationships just like all other relationships. A first date is just like a first date in regular world. I do not care if we call these power exchange relationships and use terms like dominant and submissive or master and slave a person cannot make you do something you do not want to without your consent. If a person asks/orders you to do something you are not comfortable with when on the first or any early date and they take issue with the word no coming out of your mouth then they are the loser not you. Be grateful and move on.

Analyze the date just like you would any regular date. If the person bores you to tears a power exchange relationship will not fix that. If both of you have significantly different desires in important compatibility issues they will not go away because of the power dynamic being introduced. If you are not wanting to or are comfortable doing something or moving to another stage in the relationship then do not do so, and again, this should be respected.

Do not try to minimalize or think you have minimalized problems, fear of rejection or think you have bypassed real time spent by short cuts.

I do not care if the guy you like from your local community has women swooning over his skill with the flogger at public parties and demos. I do not care in front of a group of people he speaks like the perfect fit in power exchange thoughts with you. I do not care if his community friends swear he is a special guy. The moment you sit with him one on one on a date you are still starting from scratch and your judgment and desires are all that counts.

Same goes with finding a person on the Internet. I do not care how many Emails, instant messenger chats and minutes spent on the phone it took before you meet. When you sit down the first time that is when the clock starts to truly run. Do not confuse a tool to find a potential partner with the mirage that tool can somehow make the process less of a crap shoot that us human beings finding another is. The internet or local community is nothing more then a regular person going to a church social or bar hoping to meet someone to fall in love with. All they are expecting is to meet someone they like and think they might be compatible in a broad sense and go from there. They do not hang out in the church basement or bar for weeks and months until they are absolutely sure the other is the one only to find out there is quite a difference between them there and someplace else.

Remember these are relationships between two people. The dynamic will be different at some point whether sooner or later but how you meet, get to know and how you should feel and based decisions on does not ever change.

Conclusion and a somewhat apology

From the first thought, experience or stumble upon knowledge of power exchange relationships are real, possible and can be for you to actually sitting down face to face with your potential other requires effort and an open mind. The leap to be sitting in that chair next to the potential other can be difficult. It is hard because if it was easy everyone would be in a relationship. You will never find your prince or princess if you are not going to kiss any frogs. Put yourself out there and kiss as many frogs as needed to find the right one for you, otherwise you may end up with the only frog left over or no frog at all. I am here to tell you as just one person, real life power exchange relationship rocks compared to being alone in my home thinking about what if.

To all those who maybe use terms like “my submission is a precious gift” or did their time “exploring” and have made the leap and even are in relationships measured in decades that took offense to my labels I am sorry. My intention was not for those who made the leap but for those who have yet to leap. For those who have not yet leaped and take offense to the characterizations I do not apologize. I do not consider myself better then you not in any sense what so ever. Consider it my version of tough love.

Getting health advice off the Internet

Look there is a ton of great information to be gained in this area of health. WebMD and sites like that are incredibly solid sources. Message boards for specific problems are spectacular for people dealing with those problems.

On the other hand looking for help on the Internet before doing something whether before doing something or dealing with a problem is very risky. In particular I know of several message boards on BDSM that have health and safety sections. I also know that very few people who post in those sections are in the direct medical fields and many like me avoid those sections like the plague.

The reasons are very simple. Medical problems are not simple. There are extremely few things that have simple this is what it is and can be treated simply by doing this. Everyone is different and it is somewhat crazy to take advice from a complete stranger who you do not know. When I click on these types of posts often it is people looking for the answer they want to hear and not open to any other. This is bad.

The reason people like me do not touch these topics is because we know better. When someone goes this happen to me or can I do this I cannot even venture a guess because I have no idea. No one really knows the overall health of the person, their medical history, medications they are already on, what type of information they might be withholding or are not aware enough to disclose and other reasons. Health and safety is relative and not a fixed position.

So please avoid using the Internet to try to avoid seeing a doctor or to save some money. It is a great tool to gather information before going to the doctor to help ask and answer questions and great for after if you want to research what the doctor told you. It is though a dangerous game if you try to replace a doctor with words read.

Doctors and BDSM

I see and get asked a lot about this. Are there doctors BDSM friendly. Yes, the answer is all doctors are BDSM friendly. Now of course I am not really answering that question as people are asking that are wanting to see a doctor and not be scared or freak out the doctor with presenting information or innocent bruises or something directly needs to be treated.

Understand something, doctors and nurses are just like you and treat our jobs the same way. Just like you on your job have probably seen it all in the specific things that are a part of your job we are the same. I work in an ER and judging goes out the window roughly the first day I started working. BDSM injuries or questions are just not all that interesting and at worse are going to be turned into some faceless anecdote. The bigger problem is caused when people lie about things as it hurts the possible treatment if we do not know what to ask or look for. Trust me even a smile and some small talk amongst ourselves is your biggest worry and that is for a few seconds that is out of our heads as soon as it hits our ears.

In terms of being afraid of them calling the police in terms of abuse most doctors and nurses have seen it all and can spot BDSM marks from abuse. Even when that does not happen we are trained and also all social workers and police are trained to look for mental symptoms and clues if it is abuse or accident. Being nervous and lying is not good. Being calm and matter of fact is. The big picture is you are just another patient in an endless stream.

Now for your regular doctor if you live in a small populated area and/or socialize in the same circle as your doctor then find another doctor if this makes you nervous. Just do not worry about going to see the doctor of your choice. If they are rude or judgmental of your choices just find another. They probably are rude and judgmental to many other patients anyway.