Myth of Slaves and Servitude

I was talking to one of my first owners yesterday and she mentioned that a Mistress that we both know from being in the same local community had gotten a book about the power exchange life published. Now this woman has been in it over twenty-five years and no one including myself who know her or have listened to her in a class/seminar would say she has no clue. My former Mistress was upset after reading her book as just promoted the usual stereotypes of submissives being weak and incomplete human beings.

I took a look at her website which had a brief synopsis and right there in that synopsis was the theme that upsets me and runs rampant with dominants. The theme that slaves are all about selfless serving and just care about their owner’s needs being taken care of. It sounds great and it fits both the ego of a dominant (I must be great if this person does these things just for who I am) and a submissive (I am a heck of a slave to be so selfless). The problems being that it is a lie both directly or indirectly and this blatant and rampant promotion that a slave just basically equates servitude causes more problems when one goes looking for a total power exchange relationship from all roles and both genders.

Servitude is not a personality trait or an independent need!

I would never want to mislead one into thinking that serving your owner is not a big part of being a slave because it is and it is a huge one. But the direct and maybe more the indirect promotion that being a slave is about serving and very little or nothing else and this is hard wired in our DNA is not.

Slaves are human beings with other needs, desires, egos, expectations and on and on. But servitude is not one of those needs. Servitude is a byproduct of a submissive personality and other things in us that want and need to please or other and put their needs and desires as are number one need but not only need or even not the only main need. As I write throughout my blog and have especially recently a submissive personality by itself HAS NO NEED to be in a power exchange relationship. To be owned/serve an owner at the level these clueless wonders talk about requires the domination element and that is what an owner must bring to the table and this is way more then “good” character, desire to be spoiled and knowing about toys and using them as rewards for service.

Why the promotion of a slave basically just serves is so bad

1) It is insulting. I am sorry but I am just more of a complete human being and also simply more complicated. To be portrayed like that is the only thing I am about is an actual very dim opinion of a human being that gets broadcasted. Most slaves’ lives are simply more complicated and the desire and ability to serve so unconditionally for another should be acknowledged as a mixture of things and not just some trait along with the great dominant that makes us who we are. In all honesty if all or mainly I am to a perspective owner is expressed by my servitude and you want me 24/7 in a TPE, Fuck you!

2) It is phenomenally misleading. This life is not simply in someone and all they need is some instruction manual and they are good to go. It is especially damaging when people promote the slave serves and lives to please their owner. Again, the reason why is if someone who is capable and fits best as a slave only reads this type of garbage they are going to be confused and maybe make bad decisions or not try severe power exchange when maybe it could give them the best chance of happiness. Because no mentally healthy submissive person out there is dreaming of serving for serving sake as they are really dreaming of finding another person who the will care for greatly/love and with being dominated will need to put this person above themselves as the byproduct.

3) It hurts many experienced and potential owners who could be exceptional owners but shoot themselves in the foot with promoting this both looking for and keeping a slave. For those looking someone like me read this as your philosophy and from past experience will automatically assume you are guilty before innocent of thinking you are a very selfish person wanting more to be spoiled then be in an adult relationship. For those who get a slave and have trouble keeping them, it is not because they are all fakes or turn out to be just “do me” subs only in it for kinky things. It is because you might have mistakenly fooled yourself into thinking serving you makes your slave happy when it is the happy slave who needs to serve.

Why is this myth such a monster?

Two things come into play.

1) EGO!!!!!!!!!

I think by far this is often the thing that gets in the way. Way too many dominants are unprepared to admit to personal failings and sometimes relationships were just not meant to be. These are for the weak not the strong. Often you will read the more lame ones, slave left to care for a sick family member or the slave got a once in a lifetime job out of state because of all the things the owner taught them for example. These we can have a good chuckle over.

But the more common excuses that people often eat up are the turns out the person was a big fake or the always good one “turned out to be just a do me sub”.

Well guess what that do me sub might have been an exceptional slave but left the dominant because they were simply not getting what they needed from the dominant. That the slaves begging for more kink was them trying to simply communicate they needed more active domination in their life and the owner was bringing nothing to the relationship.

There is no shortage of people who are selfish and basically just want to be spoiled calling themselves dominants. These are usually the ones promoting this myth.

I will not let us slaves off so easy as well. We also have a tendency to promote this myth because lets face it; it is quite cool to project this image as it does make us look good. That selfless image of anything anytime for my other no strings attached. Certainly short term there are no strings but the fact is they do something to us that has our submission level high and why we truly want and are willing to serve in such a way.

2) We mirror what we want.

In all relationships we tend to do this. In the short term/beginning of a relationship we tend to do and act out in a way that we want ourselves or our relationships to be. These feelings are real but they are just not the true feelings we are hoping they will become. There is nothing sinister about as it is human nature 101.

For example for many of us we have had flings/no strings sex relationships. Maybe a hot weekend in Las Vegas or at spring break with a person you met there and it was over when you came back home. If you were to see just the sex and compared it to a honeymoon or some great weekend away when in total love sex you would probably not see too big of a difference visually but of course emotionally the sex feels much different and probably better.


We humans do this all the time. It can look the same but in reality it is quite different. For example when I started seeing my Master whenever I visited him I always wanted to clean his house and cook for him. It was not because I had the need as a slave to serve but because I liked him and wanted him to like me and for me to show what I was all about and can offer. Now that he owns my mind, heart and body I need to do all the domestic things at least up to his level and hopefully more like I am a drug addict.

The problem is when we mirror it will only have a short time frame where it needs to turn into the real thing or it simply will not continue. This is where many people get confused. Because often the people calling themselves dominants but are just really wanting to be spoiled, ego stroked and are selfish in nature. They want the byproduct of a slave who is getting what they need and has true emotional feelings for that person so they obsess over the sample goods not realizing it is just a sample and the slave has a big say if to buy and is looking and hoping the dominant is going to step up.

So the dominant has the slave jump through these hoops not realizing they are only getting the sample. They get their house cleaned, meals cooked and what not but for the ones who are not willing to bring active domination to the table in the relationship they will fail. This is how no one can never really tell from the outside if the slave failed to an owner because they were just a do me type or the owner was bringing nothing to the table.

Dominants must bring something to the table other then their wonderful character and “natural” “dominant” personality

Slaves do not live to serve or even mainly serve. It is simply a powerful byproduct of our submissive personality, falling for our owner and that owner’s active domination over us mixed all together that makes us need to serve our owner and make their needs and desires be our number one need.

Slaves are not like dogs and can get trained to serve and obey by being rewarded by kinky things. A person calling themselves dominants who basically use kinks as payments for being spoiled are not having many successful long term relationships.

Remember the Mistress I mentioned at the top of this post who published a book and in it preaches slaves are mainly about servitude. Well did you know she has never had a relationship last more then nine months in her life?

Just a reminder to filter anything you read or hear, including my junk, through your own brain for reality and common sense. There is a huge difference of wishing something or someone is and what they are. The successful people do not wish but work in reality to make it happen.

Mentors

Reposted from my FAQ blog because I read something that miffed me and this was better then a more long winded thing I would have written.

Is there value to mentors?

Mentors are a controversial topic in power exchange life as there are many possibilities.

In my opinion there are two ways mentors add any value:

1) The common view of a mentor is a person who you can learn, respect and bounce questions and opinions and get an OBJECTIVE opinion back. A mentor like this is NOT going to play with you or want any power given over to them. They are just their as a friend.

2) Many use the word “mentor” as a euphemism for a short term or casual relationship that may or may not have sex involved but will have power of some type and level given over and probably some kink things.

So if one is in the exploring stage and wants to find out what they are attracted to and want in a power exchange relationship before looking for the one often people love the term mentor as it seems more noble and less tainted then fling, short term or words of that nature.

Now the bad things that mentor can really be a bad term.

1) Giving power over, especially decisions or controlled communication, to basically a stranger is seriously fucked up.

First and foremost even calling yourself a slave and in the most total power exchange relationship has any person in a free society abdicated their personal responsibility or their right to pursue being happy. If you want or even think it is a good idea to give someone else power over major decisions in your life that is not your love one but some person who wants to be thought as a mentor you need to step back and get some help.

People do not do things just for the good of their heart. Friends and family who have known you for years care about you. A relatively new person to your life is not caring about you but wants something from you.

People who “enjoy” mentoring another by taken the “broken” submissive and fixing them into someone who flourishes is just as devoid of self esteem as the submissive who agrees to follow them. They are relative strangers and their drug is feeling superior to others and a submissive looking for a mentor to show and protect them from this new strange world is their drug of choice. They will not help that submissive by being independent and getting them the help and support they need in order to work on their self esteem issues but instead feed on it by re-enforcing the thoughts that the submissive cannot make good decisions for themselves.

How is someone going to “fix” someone when they have an absolute need to feel superior to anyone close to them to begin with? Mentors like this are all hot air. Remember someone looking out for another’s best interest is going to only be concerned about trying to get the other person the tools so they can make good decisions for themselves and not shield them from the big bad world.

2) One true way

If interested in having a mentor avoid anyone that has one true way type thoughts whether just being friends with the person or playing with them in some way. If your goal is to explore and find yourself then being told to you have to do this or do that is just a giant waste of time and can give you a bad impression if that one true way is not your way.

3) Fear mongering

There are just too many, even good experienced people, who need to chest thump to make them feel better about themselves and this is often expressed by promoting the classic “every dominant but me is a loser and an abuser”.

It is very simple if you could not make good choices in others in the regular relationship world you will struggle in the power exchange world. Of course there are losers and abusers in this life but they are the same types in the regular world and if you are all there easy to spot.

This life for someone new can be scary and seem more extreme and therefore might feel it is completely different the regular relationships and therefore the people must be completely different. They are not. A friend/mentor would be someone who helps calm your fears and educate you and not someone who hides you from exposure and stokes your fears and hesitations about this life.

Foundation: Part Three-Consistency

I moan and roll my eyes every time people start listing qualities of a good dominant/submissive or what is the foundation of power exchange relationships. The reason why the list is always qualities that are important in any good person or in any good relationship like trust, honesty and communication.

This is not that. I believe there are four important qualities that are critical to highlight as they are ones that get more emphasized in power exchange relationships. The reason being not that they are more important compared to other relationship dynamics but they are more radically different or require more conscious knowledge and effort then in other dynamic types.

To me there are four: Structure, Atmosphere, Consistency and Passion.

I want to write about them in four separate posts. So this post is dedicated to:

Part Three: Consistency

This should be a very short and simple post as I think everyone reading knows what consistency is and tends to be in favor of it in pretty much all things in life when they are good things. I mean we really would not want a consistent whiner or a person is late or maybe some of you do and I am sorry if that offended.

So in a total power exchange relationship (TPE) what are some of the things that we need to be extra careful to be consistent with.

Here are some things that are important make sure there is consistency.

Use of power as communicated: This is very simple as a slave I am going to often act in a literal sense. That is what happens when obedience is dominant in our life. When in a long term relationship things will of course change and often a dominants interest in some things they are very active in controlling with their slave and tastes and preferences they may not be direct but have established clearly communicated guidelines. It is very critical for a dominant to be consistent in these things and if/when something changes do not just think normal evolution will take care of it but to actively change it with communication with your slave.

For example if an owner decided they will pick out all clothes worn out in public for their slave then you must be prepared to actually do that. Sure on occasion a pick it yourself is fine but if it goes from always picking the outfit to the point your slave has no clue if you are going to pick it out, let her decide and especially get annoyed by her asking then that will cause anxiety and stress for the slave and that is a problem.

Punishment: This should be very self explanatory. An owner has to punish both causes and what the punishment is in a consistent manner. If we all had a dime each time a submissive complained about this area being inconsistent and the troubles it caused there would be no talk of any recession. Strict obedience is not natural. If you have set up a life that requires strict obedience there are some things that are just required and one of those is to be consistent in dealing with infractions. A slave needs to know the punishment will happen if they commit a punishable thing. It is strong motivation and, get this, a strong showing the owner cares about us and the dynamic. To not punish consistently again causes stress and anxiety in a slave that will hurt their obedience and cause issues in general.

Our attitude as a slave: Look we are human beings and going to get tired, be moody and have temporary feelings that are sometimes not how awesome our owner is. At the same time though it is critical not to let these types of things overwhelm our service to our owner(s). Both roles feed off the other and to be inconsistent with our attitude about our role and dedication to the dynamic so for our owner to have to read or feel your acceptance/happiness is not consistent but more randomly based will hurt the dynamic greatly. There are two distinct different vibes of being obedient just because and being obedient because we accept it and want to do it for our other.

Being used in acts of domination/discipline: I wrote here, and have and will in many other places, submissive personality and being strictly obedient from submission on a slave level is two different things and submission and domination are two very different things as well.

Following rules and rituals, doing things that we know please our owner and doing all the normal day to day things assigned to us by our owner is not domination. For submissive personalities like mine that is going to be standard behavior and not keep me in the submission level I need and desire to live as a slave. I can do those types of things in any relationship. I am going to go to the proper level to be strictly obedient and thrive by the feeling of being dominated by my owner. These are direct acts by my Master. I am talking about all the kinks, punishments and direct in the moment orders. These are the things that draw people with submissive personalities to power exchange relationships.

Consistency is important because these acts have various affects and shelf life on a slave like me. This is why for example the maintenance spanking in Domestic Discipline is often critical in those types of relationships. You can read beautiful descriptions in blog after blog about a person struggling and in desperate need of discipline. Without consistency in these things makes a submissive go on a roller coaster of emotions that is just not good. This is why you will often see the common expression from a slave that they need to be used frequently. It is not out of selfish pleasure.

Show you care about the other: This dynamic can be so well setup that often we are getting a lot of intimate moments of some type. But that consistency can also help lose just how special and personal our feelings are to our beloved other and we all adore expressions of love from our other in a way that is appreciated by them and often have at least some separation from the usual day to day things. We need to consistency show our love for the other and our devotion to the dynamic to help reassure and inspire our other. They do not have to be big things and often just words but something that steps us out of our regular world to remind the other just how great we feel about them and the life we are living.

Consistency is not a tough thing to comprehend but applying it and making sure all important aspects in our relationships can be difficult. Life in general tends to want to dominate our time and emotions. Keeping focus on being consistent will help that fight while being inconsistent will help wash away a power exchange dynamic.

Initiating things with our owners

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Obedience is not difficult

Ok that is something of a trick statement. The fact is being a slave and being obedient is not something that should be a day to day struggle. The problem is for us to overcome our previous programming to make obeying second nature.

How our brain has been trained

Our brain has been trained to make decisions all day long. When making these decisions often the criteria is based on our head making judgments in what is best. Whether what is best for me or what is the best way to go about this. The end results of this process is over time we have become experts in our own mind in what, how and when on everything that goes on in our lives.

I know for myself and many slaves or would be slaves this is often where difficulties appear when we start serving on a severe level. We have to start dealing with many day to day things and situations that come from another person in guidelines, direct orders and timetables. The struggle with obedience comes from having to often deal with the fact that their brain has done the judgment of what is best when making these decisions and that can often, even if it is minimal in impact, conflict with how our brain processes the same thing.

Part of human frailty is we are prone to constant judgments of right and wrong. So often when our owner’s orders conflict with how we have normally done we can fail to recognize it as just being different but can be prone to judge it as wrong. Let me give a very tame example as not to color the discussion, a slave might have always in the past put the orange juice in a certain place in the refrigerator but now their owner wants it in another place and the slave mind starts thinking how stupid is the new place and can they not realize how easier it would be if it was left where I have always put it. Then to start to rationalize a slave might be disobedient and keep it in the same place because they are the one to get it out of the refrigerator anyway.

I clearly want to obey my owner how come I cannot change my thoughts so easily

I believe we have three levels of desires that affect decision making in our day to day actions:

1) Long term: These are desires we have made decisions for ourselves that we make effort accomplishing over long stretches. Example like what career to have, if a person decides to become a doctor they have then made the decision of how hard they will study, understand most of their twenties will be used for this and other things.

2) Intermediate: These are decisions we make for desires that affect things we do but on a shorter nature, like weeks and days. Example like having friends over for dinner in four days, we have now made a decision to clean our house, go grocery shopping and other things in the days to come until the dinner.

3) Short term: These are desires of the moment. Example, do I want to watch this program or that program. They are in the moment decisions that have no affect on the intermediate and long term desires you have.

Most people who are “bad” decision makers are not that they cannot make good decisions in a vacuum but they make decisions with the wrong filter process. So instead of filtering from long, intermediate to short they often start with short term only to find out that screwed up intermediate and sometimes long term.

So what has this have to do with slaves struggling with obedience?

Because as slaves we have pretty much given over our short term decision making and often struggle early on with this very fact.

Look at it this way from a slave/relationship standpoint in the stages of desires:

1) Long term – We want to be in a healthy and loving relationship that is power exchange based.
2) Intermediate – We want to see, hear and experience our owner being happy and enjoying pleasure of using us how they want and we have agreed to. We want to receive their love back in ways we ourselves like to receive love back. We obey our owner to show our commitment to them and the dynamic.
3) Short term – We follow our orders and rules in order to avoid punishment. We do things even if we do not like doing them by using our feelings for our owner and this often represents our devotion to him.

Most of the time we struggle with obeying is because we have focused too hard on short term decision issues while ignoring or failing to connect these very decisions have a major impact on the intermediate and long term desires which are exponentially more important to us.

What can be done to retrain our minds?

In the end time and effort will usually win out. But in moments where we struggle, have doubt or start to have angry or negative feelings about what is being asked of us there are some easy things to do.

1) Ask yourself what difference does it make? It is simply astonishing how many decisions we make based on preferences or in the moment desires that have actual no impact in our lives. Does it really make a difference if you fix dinner a different way? Does it matter if you prefer to put away the laundry before you do something else?

2) Ask yourself are you obsessing over the short term and ignoring the intermediate and long term desires. If he orders you to wear shoes that make your feet hurt. Do you think just about that or think if it makes him happy and he is taking me out to dinner and who knows what else what is the big deal of a few hours of my feet hurting? If he wants you to primarily where dresses but you have traditionally worn pants. Is taking the time to get adjusted to the difference too much trouble for you when in the intermediate and long term it will be nicer for him and eventually you will adjust?

3) Concentrate on thinking I enjoy and need his love and acts of love and love him very much. I may not like or even hate doing this but doing this will show him my love and devotion to him which is a very important act of love he needs.

Conclusion

On the mundane items of life obeying often is about focusing on ignoring our short term thoughts and judgments. The more demanding things that we struggle on the better we focus and obey the more we show our devotion and love for our owner. Anyone can do things they do not mind when they want to do them. To do things, do things a different way and things when another wants not our preference is where we build the foundation that makes our long term desires happen.

Obedience is not hard if we learn to stop judging what needs not be judged. We stop worrying about single moments and focus on the bigger picture. If we do that, obedience not only becomes easier it can become bliss.

Asian women are submissive: The Big Myth

First the disclaimers! All words regarding Asian women have to do with Asian women who were brought up in Eastern culture. All words, especially between relationships between two people are based on the people being reasonably mentally healthy. All talk about culture and the behavior of people specific to the culture is based on their relationships. I am not condoning or pretending there are not problems on a grander scale. I have no interest in discussing unhealthy people and how this manifest in relationships by culture as all that does is cloud the discussion.

Two biggest myths that are just ridiculous and quite honestly insulting based on Western gender:

Males: ASIAN WOMEN ARE NOT NATURALLY SUBMISSIVE!

Women: ASIAN WOMEN ARE NOT OPPRESSED OR ABUSED (more then any other types) BY THEIR MEN OR CULTURE.

Why do these complete lies get believed by people?

There are three reasons why people who do not take the time to learn and more importantly see the behaviors and actions through our eyes and judge only through their own.

1) Public behavior is very structured, formal and has hierarchy in it. Now if you look at Western culture you will also see a lot of behavior that is structured when we are out in public. We all have learned or know about people behaving quite differently “in public” then their “private life”. Well Asian culture is very formal and taken very seriously. What you see with Asians is just how they are going to act, not because we are told by someone to act that way.

So Westerners see a woman being very respectful to her husband and think she is a natural obedient servant to him. No, Asian culture 101 do not show up another human being especially any family member. Asian culture 101 people in groups are assigned responsibilities and is not just based on gender. So when people focus on just husband to wife public behavior, yes there can be only one #1 and in public that will be the husband but most people fail to see or connect other public behavior.

A more open mind will also see that if four men are together there is probably a #1 man who is the final say over the other three. Any of the other three could have been seconds ago the number #1. The junior executive walked behind the President and got the door for him to the CEO’s office. The President then walks behind the CEO and get the door for him. This is not about kissing anyone’s ass. It is about formalized ways of doing things.

They are not bossing these people around. Things need to get done and we all know what needs to be done so therefore this is more simply a formal behavior of common human behavior. You go out with three people at work for lunch and you are not close to being equal in terms of position with that company, generally you know you are to get in the back seat. So you get in the back seat you do not wait until your boss tells you to.

When you see the woman respecting her husband what many of you fail to see is the husband is very much respecting his wife. You just choose to be prejudiced by the formal behaviors and confuse them as inconsiderate orders. Let’s be very clear here. Disrespect is very bad in Asian culture but it will be based on what we think is disrespectful not what others think.

2) People in power exchange in particular and Westerners in general far too often take something and assign it as a dominant or submissive trait or act.

In Asian culture and in all honesty Western regular culture, tasks being done have nothing to do with being dominant or submissive. Cleaning a house, doing laundry, fixing meals and getting someone something they could get for themselves is simply not submissive acts. They are just acts! A woman or anyone can only be submissive and oppressed if they are only doing them because they are following orders they would prefer not to have.

Asian woman are not following orders or doing tasks that you deem submissive. Domestic work is not remotely considered submissive work that the “dominant” male requires of his “submissive” wife. They are simply chores that have to get done as part of daily life as a human being.

3) “Traditional gender roles” are not remotely dominant and submissive. They do not “oppress” women! Most on here get that but I still want to scream it! What made them or still can make them submissive or oppressive to women is, drum roll please, IF THE WOMAN IS ORDERED DIRECTLY BY THE MALE AND/OR DOES NOT WANT TO LIVE THAT WAY BUT IS FORCED TO, period!

Guess what? Most Asian women do not see that “traditional roles” they follow are oppressive at all but in fact enjoy their private lives and the dynamic in them very much. Because I know it is difficult for some to understand then Asian man is really not making his women do and act traditional. The Asian woman is doing it on her own free will and is strongly her preferred way. I will give reasons and why in a later section.

So to sum up, do not confuse formal public behavior as how couples/genders act in private. Do not confuse or assign dominant or submissive and good or bad to roles and duties in a relationship without understanding the people living them.

The real way Asian women are

We are like all other women on the planet. We can be funny, lack any sense of humor and anywhere in between. We range from shy to outgoing, from having very submissive personalities to having very dominant personalities, very sweet to total bitches, wanting to just concentrate on being a homemaker to wanting to be the next Bill Gates, being very chaste to total sluts, and from being the salt of the earth to total gold diggers/social climbers. You get the picture?

In our relationships we behave in the range like other women. In a bad relationship if you see the two in private you will see fighting, emotional blackmail and using sex as a weapon. You would hear us talk/gossip including information about our man to our very close friends.

We enjoy getting romantic gifts, having our guys take us out and for them willing to spend time with our family.

Then why is there such a difference in the mental approach to relationships and why most Asian women accept or truly embrace traditional roles as opposed to Westerners?

It has everything to do with our spirituality which formed our culture that has been around and consistent pretty much all the way back.

Western religion/spirituality and Eastern spirituality is very different and has a major impact for those who are even not into them

Western spirituality emphasizes judgment, specific way to live, religious leaders tell you what to do more then guide you and instill it with a pass/fail fear in the next life. Basically tells one you need to be like this and the goal is for everyone to be/act like this.

Eastern spirituality emphasizes our life is an individual path. We are told not how to live as such as we are taught to develop tools and ways for us to understand life. In essence to live life in complete understanding for what it truly is. Understand the connection between anything that might be connected and to realize when things are not connected. The end game is not accomplished in one life but takes many.

Well it looks like you just trashed Western religion! No, not at all and here is how this plays out when followed or at least filters through generation after generation

Let me use an example as a best way to show you how these things change thoughts in the brain.

A person goes and buys an expensive luxury car. A friend asks them why they bought it and the person goes they liked how the car drove and felt they deserved the car and when people see them driving it they will know he is important.

Western slant: A person is taught not to be greedy and kind to others. But the friend is now judging and comparing himself to his friend. Thoughts of if he did deserve it or is he acting snobbish or thinks he is better then others.

Eastern slant: A person would be taught to think about why you want the car. That wanting it because you deserve it is a false thought. It would be considered irrelevant how others saw you in the car, as in do you really think strangers care about you or family and friends who know you care about you because of what car you drive. The friend may have feelings of jealousy if not happy for their friend but will recognize them as wasteful as it really has no impact on their life.

The point I am badly making here is that Eastern culture is about the individual path and understanding yourself and behaviors to be on a long path of enlightenment. Western culture is a constant series of judgments and evaluations of based on right or wrong.

But the biggest difference that affects this topic is two concepts observing and accepting life for what it is and understanding that often one action will set another in motion and there is a balance in life (Yin/Yang).

Eastern culture we are taught to accept things for how they are. Sounds yucky but it has good and bad points. Part of that thought is to understand life and all aspects of it in a less clouded and more honest pure way. Look at it this way at times we can really get bummed out at something trivial and have it affect our emotions, mood and subsequently our actions. Eastern spirituality we are taught and learn tools to catch ourselves in these thoughts so we do not let them contaminate us.

Yin/Yang is the understanding of our actions and mind set has in a bigger picture. Balance, harmony and peace (inner) are very huge thoughts and desired in our lives. So it has less to do about following an instruction manual to get to the next life as it is about understanding reality and ourselves to have balance and harmony in our life as this is needed to the path of total enlightenment.

Conclusion on the spirituality/culture

There is good and bad in both cultures from our spirituality.

Western culture judges way too much and clouds often confuses or get hung up on things that are not connected to something or anything in a person’s life. At the same time it is wonderful in that people look often at things and think is this right or can it be better and people are easier to accept change.

Eastern culture accepts life for what it is and concentrates on the individual on their path which can lead to a simpler emotional life, to be tolerant of people who are different and to better understand our actions which can lead to understanding and positive control of our actions and their results. At the same time it does a very poor job of the group dynamic of looking at things and thinking that is not right or we can do better, let alone make any changes that have positive impact.

In all honesty my time in both cultures I still have no clue which I think is better and more importantly have found people to be way more similar then different.

But as I write that, I will now write what makes Asian women embrace/accept things such as traditional roles and behaviors

1) Asian culture accepts things for what they are and not to attach good or bad emotions to things. Attach basically means wrong or useless. An Asian woman is not going to see the dinner that is needed to be prepared, floor to be vacuumed and load of laundry to be done and get upset or wish it away. She accepts that it is part of life just like breathing. These tasks are simply not given thought ever in terms of how can I get out of them.

For example we all go to work most of us have a time we start and most of us cannot be late or very late without negative consequences. Do we constantly hate this or wish this was not the case? Does it get us emotional? No, we have simply accepted it as part of our life and just do make an effort to show up on time.

2) Accepting things for what they are includes accepting the differences in the sexes. Westerners can argue, debate, ruin relationships and all types of other things in the battle of man is this and woman is that. All this also comes with mythical judgments, wishes and expectations of things being different that often become very personal and emotional. Asian people generally consider this totally fruitless discussion, counter productive to balance and harmony and a giant waste of time.

Here are some of the common types of things argued with. Now think about each one and the general population of couples. Do not focus on the exceptions!

a) Who in most relationships does the majority of the domestic duties?
b) Who in the relationship often cares more about the cleanliness of the home?
c) Who in the relationship is the primary caretaker of the children by choice?
d) Who is more likely to sacrifice their career, voluntarily, to have and raise children?
e) How many women marry a man that at the time or they think in the future where the man will not make or even be in the same area in terms of income as them?
f) Who is more likely to move for the other if it is job related?

Of course all these answers are women do. Asian women accept this, western women call it oppression but the reality of it is the universal traits a women desires is often an outgoing man with ambition and can and desires to provide for his family (leader type by definition). Women are not attracted to men who would want to sacrifice a career and take care of the children. This is 100% true. You cannot possibly convince me a man if he said to a woman "I am hoping to marry and once we have kids work part time or not at all and are a stay at home Dad and let my wife work" he has any woman interested in him. He is not going on any dates.

Conclusion

So an Asian woman accepts the differences between a man and a woman. They recognize the connection of acts as they tie into our lives and know we must understand these connections in how they form balance and harmony for us.

In the end, for the majority of men and women this principal to Asians reflects how to have balance and harmony in our relationships.

It’s a circle with respect and love as its center point. She wants to please him, he loves her for pleasing him, and she loves him for showing he appreciates her love and so on.

So when you see that Asian chick bending backwards to make her man happy it is not because she is submissive to him and oppressed. It is because she knows her effort in doing that will cause his love of her in the way she desires to come back to her. She is not being obedient; she is being proactive in her relationship.

Leap Part Two: From part time to 24/7

Infatuation and having an on/off switch

So you are currently in a great relationship whether you are dating someone or you are a couple that has introduced aspects of power exchange into your life together. The goal though is for you to take it 24/7 which can often be way more troubling then it seems. Once again there is a leap to be taken!

The gap between part time and 24/7 is large because it operates on a whole different mental level. Think about it. When you are dating someone you know when the next date is. You can spend time up to that date thinking about what will or might happen. Our minds get mentally prepared for a short term. Even if the “date” last days and you are a slave the whole time your brain is functioning on some level that come the end you have some or all of your power back. In addition to this why are we even thinking of going 24/7 at this moment? One of the reasons is because we are in that infatuation/love stage were their mere presence makes our pussy’s wet and our heart’s go pitter batter and just even thinking of them releases the warm fuzzies.

Established couples much of this is the same thing. You have started something new and exciting in your life that obviously from your consideration of going to 24/7 has gone quite well. But so far situations have been just those situations. Maybe most of the power exchange situations have been bedroom only, negotiated times and things or a trial period run lets say on some or many weekends. Just like a couple getting to know each other your reactions are also going through the excitement of the newness and your brain has usually had time to prepare for what you are expecting to come. You still always have the safety of that thought that you go back to basic normal when the clock strikes a time.

24/7 means never having a start or stop time

Thoughts of 24/7 often come in two forms.

Often the over romanticize thoughts are the ones we like to focus on. These are the thoughts and feelings that I normally describe as taking feelings and behaviors from the just before, during and after of the more direct acts of domination done on us. These can be in the range from the mundane to a quite intense scene or act. The thought though that can get planted is that these deep level of submissive feelings and how this often deepens our other feelings like our love and pleasure with our dominant can be felt 24/7!

The other form is thoughts of 24/7 start to seep into our brains on a deeper level. Now instead of thinking about it when we are experiencing the warm fuzzies we start to think about it during normal activities and thoughts. This starts to scare us. We think what if my owner will no longer let me do this or do that. What if I cannot handle doing something particular every single day? All of a sudden the worse case scenarios start to appear in our head.

Irrationality of these thoughts

Well the thought of the permanent high of submissive feeling is of course a drug that does not exist. Since this is a post on making the difficult leap and people who fall to hard for this thought often leap way too easily and ignorantly that writing about this is for another time.

Now the worrisome thoughts about going to 24/7 can be healthy or cause paralysis in one’s desires and goals. Here is the reality of life. Look at any type of relationship throughout time and no matter where on earth you will see couples doing the same things only who and how they are done. Now think when you are with your other when you are on have they changed into different human beings when in the more regular aspects of life. I would hope no. I am guessing if hanging out on weekends you are having plenty of normal conversations, having some regular social activities and a whole bunch of other regular moments.

This is because even in a total power exchange relationship regular life happens. Now not to say there cannot be twists or changes in the details of these regular day to day things but in the end the person you have gotten to know, hopefully, is the person who will now own you 24/7. How they are, their interests, how they treat you, their goals and the other vital compatibilities do not get changed.

So to go to 24/7 should just have the same thought process of going 24/7 in any other type of relationship. A person to move to 24/7 should be sold on all aspects of the person they are with and not just the submissive feeling one is left with when in their other’s presence.

The thought processes that do have to be overcome

By far the number one thought process when dealing with making the leap is what I am going to lose by doing it. Obviously the positive things for the most part are not stopping us from leaping so that does leave the negative ones.

Instead of some generic words I thought I would just type out some thoughts that have popped into my head or have heard as fairly common ones and simple thoughts on those thoughts.

“What if they want me to no longer or limit my time with friends and family?” – Well have you discussed this? For most of us if they went “oh by the way, now you cannot see this person [insert close family member or friend]” before at anytime we would have gone in our mind big red flag. Now for some people that have people in our lives that are truly bad influences and someone who cares for us might be able to lead us away from them. But this should have nothing to do with power exchange. Time with others should be something you have talked about and have a compatibility with.

“Will I ever get personal time and have time for my interests?” – This is one I have heard a lot. Again we are talking compatibility. Some couples desire all personal time to be together. Some couples only see each other at bed time. Most of us like something in between those two polar opposites. You should before ever going 24/7 have some idea that both of you have compatibility in this area. You as a slave can be independent and have a bunch of interests but best find an owner who enjoys doing his own thing as well. Just like if you think we means we in most things, better find one who feels the same way.

Now I will introduce you to a term I use often and that is cyber theorist. These are people who with no real experience in long term power exchange relationships will write poetically that a slave is this and that. Often these theorists will spin a belief that even when the two people are not together or any number of situations that a slave should only be about pleasing their owner. They will mention taking classes to improve your service and having you develop a mind set where thinking about and doing things to make your owner’s life easier and pleasurable is 24/7. Let’s be realistic here. That is simply insane and a zealot over romanticized thought. I mean really could you imagine a life between two people where the other has no thoughts and desires except one! Does that sound sane?

Pleasing your owner is our number one desire otherwise how can we really be consensual slaves? It is though just one desire in a human being that is made up of many. Reality is you can spend a great deal of time when away from your owner in ways to improve yourself in your service if your owner desired or you yourself chose to in your allowed free time. I have taken classes in massage, cooking and even stripping. In fact I was a I hate cooking person until I took my first cooking class and since then it has become a very pleasurable interest for me. Even when I was taking these classes I was going to work full time and still was not sacrificing my time serving my Master nor had no other personal time.

“What is he makes me throw out all my comfortable underwear for none or uncomfortable ones?” – Well what if they do? Is that the end of your world, I think not. Again reality and motivation comes into play. Maybe he wants you to wear only thongs and you have found them uncomfortable in the past. My questions to you would be two. 1) How much effort in the past had you tried getting use to them? 2) How serious are you about M/s life or is really just about your convenience in the short term? The reality of this situation is a good slave should be able to try their best at things directed at us. This is very important; a slave must learn to identify things that have very little affected on us in the bigger picture when taken out immediate feelings. Because you tried wearing thongs for a couple of days years ago or only wear them on special occasions does not mean you have tried at all to get use to them. So why not try to please your Master by making an actual strong effort to get use to them. Now, after a long time they still cause a bad result from you then communicate that with your owner and see what can be changed.

This last example sounds lame on the surface but has everything to do with thoughts and fears of going forward. The question that a slave needs to often ask themselves when confronting troubling feelings is often very simple “What does it really matter if this is done or this happens this way?” I cannot begin to tell you how much clutter in our brains and feelings as a slave turns out to be totally useless and counter productive to our service and happiness by not realizing that an awful lot of things we do on a day to day basis have just not much importance or impact in terms of the how’s and when’s.

Conclusion

If a person is struggling with making the leap of going from part time to 24/7 I offer these points to think about:

1) You do have the right to change your mind. As a couple if the dominant will only do 24/7 then whether you can handle it or not is compatibility not failure. Any thoughts about long term negative impact should be thought about as your own mental issues and if you fear such a thing then that is pause for thought and not just about the relationship.

2) 24/7 should be thought about in all aspects of a relationship in addition to the power exchange. To go 24/7 you should want to go 24/7 in all other aspects just like any other type of relationship.

3) Be realistic about what you are feeling. The submissive high you get from moments does not last in 24/7. You should have some experience or make time to experience serving when not on some emotional high. You will be cooking and cleaning when tired and in a bad mood. You will have to put out or give blow jobs when not in the mood or when you are in the middle of something. Know you want and can be happy serving when he has not read your mind or high on love.

4) Talk things out in detail. Sit down with your other at a mundane time and feeling and not pillow talk after something blissful. Talk about what they see what they will control you in terms of day to day control, demands and changes.

5) Try mundane practice runs. Forget about being a slave 24/7 on a weekend. Try doing it for a week when both of you are working and see how that goes. Go a week without any kink things or even any sex and see how the power exchange aspects work for both of you.

In the end, the leap is different as the feelings, activities, time and anticipation can be drastically different. But the motivations and overall feeling we get as slaves though does remain and flourish. I know for me the best way I processed it was that I was running toward something instead of running from something. That made me make the leap with confidence and zealot effort.

Gaining trust goes both ways

Trust is a two way street. We often just focus on the trust the male tries to earn so the female will commit and submit to them but the fact is a female submissive must earn the trust of her dominant that their words of what they are wanting and their willingness to endure the power exchange life from the mundane to the super intense are genuine.

There is a big misconception in my mind that is no ones fault but the natural circumstances seem to naturally perpetuate. Most us women want to dive deep into the romantic portions of a relationship. We want to be swept off our feet by the awesomeness of the man that wins our heart. That everything goes smoothly and pitch perfect. That the man is a completed product only needing to input the woman’s specific information into his brain and mould the dream life. Dominants often promote themselves in this fashion. For some reason anything less then all knowing and shouting I have experience from a pedestal is looked down on as a sign of weakness. That no interaction described does not have a simple solution.

But this is simply not the case. A dominant starts from scratch with their submissive on the same level as a submissive. All the experience of the power exchange dynamic means nothing between the two. Of course the “experience” dominant is safe with his toys and can point to play parties. But those play parties have experience pain sluts volunteering for which he knows them. His new submissive which is a romantic one has never felt his infliction or never taken an order of any type from him, for example what is her reaction during and after the first time he orders her to clean the house as he sits on the couch watching a game. He does not know after one strike she shouts out the safety word. He does not know after one “scene” she turns cold to him. He does not know that one day of following orders she is thinking that is enough of this. This is the trust she must earn! That her obedience is there, her dedication to the power exchange dynamic is not conditional and her devotion to him is always present and her willingness to show and prove it is an honor not an insult.

A Master to feel free and comfortable in his power exchange relationship must trust his submissive. He must know that orders and actions no longer have to be based on the credit system and mood of his submissive like a regular relationship quite often is. He must trust the slave’s words and actions are true not conditional or playing an angle. A submissive does this by time and effort. We do not earn that trust when we are in the infatuation stage of the beginning of the relationship where neither can do no wrong and is sheer perfection. We do not earn it when we do or are made to do things we like or want to do anyway. We earn it when we suffer for them that can often show our devotion to them and the power dynamic. We earn it when we serve them when not our physical best. We earn it by not copping an attitude because they fail to read our mind our body language and turn power exchange dynamic conditional on our current mood.

My Master had only one relationship prior to me which was 100% merely a top/bottom totally conditional one. I was a decade experienced slave most of that time 24/7. His words ache for a slave to own in a severe power exchange relationship which was intoxicating to me. From the first message, first phone call and first meeting if I was not a passionate realist I would say it was a magical fate. Even with this playing out and our experience levels the romantic version played out on the web and many revisionist histories of people talking about their own relationships was not there.

Our first play was a light over the knee spanking. The first bondage was my hands tied so lightly and easy to get out of if I wanted. Our first time having sex had new time awkwardness and stress. The first vanilla order was to change the trash can bag. The first disagreement was about him always cleaning his house spotless before I visited. Nothing in much of being the first would be described on the grand epic romantic side.

The reason is because trust and devotion both feeling and knowing the other feels it takes time and comes in degrees. It can not be planned out when one reaches the destination. Then at some point the degree and level is so complete it feels like a destination has been reached. Where nothing is held back or worried about. That my Master has the confidence he can do what he likes to me and exert the level of control he desires and has complete trust and faith that this will be met with love and devotion for him.

This elusive destination happen to us on this past weekend. He had shared dreams and fantasies during our time being together. Some realistic some just to stay fantasies. I remember early on him sharing on such fantasy about a weekend and my reply was I do not see why that could not be reality someday and he seemed stunned why a person like me would be willing to endure that for him. I remember me replying how a slave could not be willing to endure that for her Master. He fulfilled that fantasy this past weekend. With the level of love, trust and my desire to show my devotion to this beautiful man and feeding off the pleasure he enjoyed as his sadistic and kinky mind let him indulge in from the confidence, love and trust he has in me allowed me to endure without faltering. I hope all during the weekend and afterwards he could look into my eyes and see the absolute love and devotion I have for him. His brain, heart and soul and his ability and desire to dominate me on such a level I thought could not be possible.

I am truly blessed to call him my Master.