Natural vs Object

The not so fine line between these two wrong ways 

When we seek our other for a Master/slave relationship often these two concepts collide and can doom the most promising of starts. On the one hand we have the human tendency to try to satisfy needs and strong desires that we will often rush or push others into situations to get them satisfied. The potential dangerous result being that we can objectify the other person in the equation. On the other hand we as humans also tend to not want to make a conscious effort in often the things that mean the most to us. We often then rely on letting things unfold in a “natural” way. But this is really more code for what we really do and that is be passive and react hoping things work the way we want them to in the end. 

The best example I can use is sex and how people go about deciding when to have it in a relationship. Some people want it as soon as possible to satisfy their sexual desires while other people like to wait until they have very genuine feelings for the person they are seeing. The fact is there is no right or wrong answer to which is the best way. The sex before feelings can be an objectifying experience for example one might feel do they like me for who I am or that I am giving them orgasms. The other way is to spend a great deal of time with someone that our time and emotional investment is so great that between the pressure to then make sex work for both or to find out that the two people together are not sexually very compatible and a bad breakup is inevitable. 

The reality from my eyes is most human beings never give any of this any serious thought or effort. That most human beings let their personality, past experiences and the personal issues that result from those two things and let those things blindly go about how they seek out relationships and try to live them. This is where you get the age old issue that is a huge problem in power exchange dynamic relationships and we get the “this is what I want” that then gets worked back into “this is how it should be/will be”. Far too often we do not want to work for what we truly desire and want in our power exchange relationship but at the same time we do not want a relationship that is false and blows up because we objectified the other and the roles we played at more then felt. 

In the next two sections I am going to point out to me the issues when we have defaulted too much to one of these things that can create a big problem when striving for a power exchange relationship in a long term and loving one. 

“Human beings default to vanilla” 

In probably the past five years this quote that I read on a message board, and I apologize for not remembering where or who, was the shortest pure truths I have ever read about people and power exchange relationships. 

The word natural that gets tossed around when discussing this life is 99% of the time used as a code word for two things. 

1) Cool Factor Disease – as a person thinking they are a better slave then others the more they proclaim themselves to be more natural at their core then others they see and hear call themselves slaves. 

2) A term used to run away from personal responsibility in these types of relationships. You will often see many people claiming themselves a master or a slave in a significant power exchange relationship then literally at the same time sprint away from what we discuss in specifics about this life. Things brought up like control, obedience, rules, rituals, punishment, active leadership and others many when faced with the specifics of these will use the phrase “I am a natural dominant/submissive” and therefore do not need to do these things. 

But the truth is we are not natural anything when M/s is our dynamic. Yes we have to have personalities and be drawn to this life in a natural strong way but that only gets us to the door. We in the end to default to vanilla and the vanilla in us acts in a way that makes our preferences and wishes to be whatever is the easiest and most convenient for us. We as human beings do this everyday. We judge our wishes and preferences as right or better and anything that is different or goes against ours as wrong or worse. For example, we pass a car on the highway that car is going too slow but another car passes us that car is going too fast. 

Trying to let the power exchange dynamic in a new relationship develop in a natural way by time and feelings is doomed for failure if that is all that is going to happen as we humans default to vanilla. All this is going to do is make each person just be themselves and expect the other person in their relationship to turn into their perfect vision of a master or slave. This will never happen and bitterness and frustration will slowly build and erode a once promising relationship. 

Objectify to the point of not knowing 

When we rush into power exchange and/or doing kinky things we often do this because our strong desires for these things have built up after too much time without and instead of learning about each other and walking down the path together we sprint without thought to the other. The end we end up objectifying the other person or feel objectified by the other and many times both and then everything is so artificial the relationship has nowhere to go but to collapse. 

We as human beings are born natural role players. But also for all of us playing roles drains us of energy that will eventually burn us out. We see this and often do this all the time when we first start seeing someone and like them that we will present a fairytale version of ourselves that is not really the actual version. A slob home will be cleaner when the other visits then normal. The meals fixed will be better and made with pretend joy of cooking for many. But over time the act cannot be kept up and we revert to how we are. The person comes over to a pig sty and the meals cooked become few and far between with no joy to do so communicated. 

The problem in doing this with power exchange is that we objectify the other person to become an act or expect them to be an act and fail to work with them how they are and what they need to be the role we both desire them to be. The dominant who after a few dates hands over a slave contract in essence is asking the other to take on a role. A submissive wanting to be bossed around after the same amount of time is asking a dominant to take on a role. Out of desire one or both eagerly accept the situation and then we have one or two people playing roles that drain them of energy as opposed to being themselves in power exchange roles that fit and feed them energy. Then one or both eventually stop playing the role and the other is left wondering what happen or blame the other as being a poser. 

This objectifying tends to hurt power exchange relationships when one or both jump into the kinky sex aspects and ignore the power exchange connections to these acts. People end up getting their sexual needs taken care of but now have come to associate kinky sex as always mutual fun. When often many of the kinky things done in master/slave relationships are strong physical manifestations of power being exchange critical of keeping the mindset and atmosphere of the relationship a power based one. That rushing too fast into kink and too specifically just for pleasure we have not only objectified the other person but we have objectified the acts themselves that will potentially damage the journey toward a power dynamic. 

Middle ground and accepting we will need to get out of our comfort zone 

The fact is somewhere between the extreme of just natural or too fast we objectify the person, acts or the dynamic is the key to building the foundation to a great and healthy master/slave relationship dynamic. We have to accept just being ourselves and expecting the other to rise up to our fantasy version of the other role is a ludicrous idea. We have to accept that feelings for another does not make us change into a role. We have to accept playing a role will not transform us into being happy playing that role permanently.   

The reality is that either role master or slave means working at times in an unnatural way specifically on our role in the relationship. This does mean for a slave things will be done we will not enjoy or want to do often on a daily basis but still the overall life of a slave makes us happier then if we are in a regular relationship. It means as a dominant that being actively assertive and in charge comes with making decisions and leading when you are not feeling like it or do not see the point. The more you wan the other to be less vanilla like the more we must accept that we cannot act in a vanilla way ourselves. 

The reality means that rushing to the fun things can make us role players that burn out one or both. That working hard with mutual effort to have our fantasy version of the other takes time, constant communication and working outside are comfort zone of us defaulting to vanilla all the while expecting the other to not be vanilla. In a long term power exchange relationship we cannot just turn on the dynamic no matter how much time together and feelings developed between us and think the danger of role play burnout has been minimalized. 

The dynamic takes work and commitment from the start and each and everyday we live it. It has to be within us but we also need to make sure we feed the other what they need so they can feed us in return. We need to make sure we do not role play out of wishing for what we want or from our feelings we have developed for our other and we need to keep our eyes open that our other is not role playing as well. 

People succeed in things in life because they are motivated, focused and willing to put in the work to do so and this includes people in relationships.

Exercising the Actual Power

I am sitting down on this computer one very happy, lustful and loving. Along with being very sore especially my tits that have more black, blue and purple marks then regular color and dried cum from a morning frolic I am hesitant to jump into the shower and wash off. I have spent too much of my time this morning staring at the marks and getting giddy feeling my soreness and how the dried cum feels and was thinking why I love to feel and see these things.

Very common reaction

Now what I have just written is very clichéd as so many of us are like this. But it is also clichéd when taking it to the big picture. We like to feel a part of something. We like to see representation of that something. We wear wedding rings and collars to signify committed relationships between two people. We wear our school colors especially during big events like the NCAA Tournament. People cover themselves in tattoos many being something that is representative like loved ones names or specific interests they are big into.

I think this is why many of us love to see the marks and bruises from our Master’s. It is just a great reminder of who we are, what are relationship dynamic is and our love and devotion to our owner. Wedding rings and collars are great. Spoken words of love and devotion are very cool as well. But something about marks and feeling the soreness that just at least for me is an extra something. I mean I work in an ER and I am lucky to go more then a couple of shifts without seeing bruises on victims from abuse. This one might think would make me despise bruises of all types and yet staring at mine nothing negative ever pops into my head.

Power Baby!

For most 24/7 slaves the power that is exercised over us is thrilling, cool, sexy and probably many other words depending on one’s thoughts. We are not in power exchange relationships because the dynamic makes us sad or bored. We are not in them because we are naturally submissive and therefore obey is just the way. No many of us slaves are in these relationship dynamics because giving over power has many good things associated with it and for many this includes heart pitter patter and lustful thoughts and reactions.

My favorite non power exchange power exchange get it moment in a movie was in GoodFellas and not even direct power exchange. After Henry Hill beats up a guy who was bad to his girlfriend with a gun as his girlfriend looks on. Henry then gives her the bloodied gun to hide. Then through narration the girlfriend goes something like “Most women would have just walked away. I didn’t, the fact is it turned me on”.

To me this scene can be a very good lesson for all dominants that want M/s or Take in Hand relationships. Because to me this scene represents a very hard truth even if it is not directly relatable to an M/s relationship. This scene teaches it is not just the power you claim to have but also using of that power is critically important.

We like the feelings

Whenever I read the preaching of one of the cool factor stereotypes of the Master being the best Master by little he has to do. Because he has trained his slave so well and the slave is always perfectly obedient and anticipating their needs and things like that I often either start laughing at the phoniness of it all or get miffed at someone once again presenting a false image of M/s life and trying to make some mythical end result determine success and greatness.


M/s is an ever ongoing active participation thing for both roles. Owners need to understand it is not just the power you have like it is some aura around you but the power you exercise on an ongoing basis over your slave that makes the relationship work, run smoothly and happily. That this is not just about the physical kinky things that we often talk about or indulge for fun. This is about all the things a Master needs to bring to the table. So whether in a M/s relationship kink indulged or in a Domestic Discipline/Take in Hand type relationship where nothing kinky can be going on that exercising power through strong leadership, control and use of your slave in the agreed upon dynamic in an active way is not only a good things but a much needed thing.

It is why someone like me stares at my marks and it makes my heart pitter patter. It what makes someone like me every time I am reminded of what was done to me from being soar from it gets a little turned on. Because it is not just my Master’s power but that I see, hear, feel, touch and taste it exercised over me.

It makes me happy, relaxed and it turns me on.

Demystifying Sadism

Whenever sadism is discussed in this life it is often surprisingly how many definitions one could come up with by the responses. But peeking back once you removed fear, prejudicial preferences and dictionary dynamos it is not really a confusing topic. The topic just gets confused because it is a powerful word that makes sometimes even the most “experienced” amongst us tread carefully or sometimes unfortunately gives a platform of self promoters who can uses the built in fear the word has.

One of the problems is the word sadism is pretty universally thought of as a bad word so people even in this life run from the word. When I first got into this life the first thing that I think stunned me the most when talking about the life was just how politically correct most people approach it. To discuss sadism most of the time you will get either the sociopath definition or you get the romantic version of a top doing it for a pain slut (masochistic). Well there are things in between and when in the context of total power exchange sadism can bring much to the table if an owner is a sadist in some way and the slave is either masochistic and/or has a power fetish.

The following below is just a few vague definitions/labels to see where sadism rangers in this life. I do not separate physical and emotional sadism. They can appeal to different people and be limits as well. I preach that because you do one does not make the other more dangerous if it is a limit and therefore do not separate them.

Sadism types

1) Sociopath Like – People who enjoy inflicting pain and do not care if it is consensual or what damage it is causing. Obviously have nothing to do with the power exchange life although many who are not into sadism would like to convince most this is what makes up all sadists.

2) Sadism Fetish – People who enjoy inflicting pain and seeing the others reaction and do not care if the other enjoys it and maybe enjoys it more if they do not. These people are loving and caring people who have no desire to inflict pain on a person who does not give their consent.

3) Sensual Sadists – The most common way dominants define themselves in power exchange life. They ONLY enjoy inflicting pain on someone if the other person enjoys it (masochistic). Then they enjoy both the pain and the reaction of the other. I think if you spend enough time in local communities or try to get in good at some Chat/message board site most dominants will call themselves this. I personally do not believe all are like this and some are from #2 but to fit in and not be looked upon in disdain or just in self denial adopt this definition.

4) Top Sadists – Like #2 few admit this one then there actually are. These are people that really get no pleasure from inflicting pain but enjoy seeing the masochists enjoy their time and if in a power exchange relationship enjoy the benefits of a happy and disciplined slave.

5) Got to do what you got to do – Just people willing to give pain for discipline and punishment in a power exchange relationship because that works best for the people involved and dynamic. Not really sadists but have the ability to actually give pain.

What can sadism bring to the table in a significant power exchange relationship?

1) The more we like something the more we want to do it – For most in any significant power exchange relationship the submissive partner probably enjoys on some level pleasing their dominant. But in addition to this they enjoy submissive levels and the more intensive things done in terms of play or active domination the deeper the submissive level we feel and keep for longer stretches. Pain being inflicted on us is intense and will deepen submissive level. That is what goes on when you here submissive people in strictly domestic discipline relationships feel off or in strong need of a maintenance spanking. Not the pain but the way it makes them feel afterwards is the need. Being paired with a sadist can be more opportunity to benefit in this way.

2) Masochistic Pleasure – Pretty self explanatory. If you are masochistic having a partner into sadism is going to be pretty important. Many dominants will be capable of inflicting pain as that is something most learn they have to do in some way at the minimum when learning about the life. But if a slave is truly into receiving pain and you find yourself with a person not really into it but have done it to please you the odds are good it will taper off or always be a issue that is brought up by the slave and that can lead to problems.

3) Power is the fetish – I wrote extensively in the hypertext link if one wants to read about this in a whole blog entry. But this is what I would arrogantly guess is a vast majority of submissives who call themselves slaves and live in significant power exchange relationships have this particular attraction. For me personally I have it obnoxiously so. I lust after being dominated and being dominated by doing things I enjoy and want to do anyway is not domination. So the dichotomy of pleasure my Master gets from doing something or seeing me suffer by doing something I hate is just pure carnal and emotional bliss. Because I am owned by a man who gets turned on by inflicting pain without needing my pleasure and enjoys that I am not getting pleasure is an awesome compatibility thing with us. I suffer and get a deeper submissive level. He smiles and gets aroused and we have ourselves a mutual life is awesome time.

Sadism is not bad

I do not think anything I have written has been earth shattering or controversial. But I did want to do my part in promoting sadism in a more honest way and for the sadists out there that often have to hide their personal enjoyment of inflicting pain on someone that it is ok to be public about this. There are plenty of women out there like me that absolutely go nuts for a man that can get off by making us suffer and sadism of some type is quite awesome.

Please instead of only handling the polar ends of the discussion that we normally limit the discussion to in public know that those are not the only two options. That you do not have to play what would you like slave to inflict pain or be locked up in prison or a mental health facility. That you know there are plenty of slaves whether masochistic or not that enjoy a dominant and takes tremendous pleasure to suffer for the dominant’s pleasure in inflicting pain.

Profiles On Personal Sites

Edited and updated from a post from my former short topics blog. For some that are already in a relationship this post is useless but the things written in here make up some of the very most frequent questions and rants on any personal power exchange site I have ever been on. If one is looking or gave up looking and had frustrations I think in all hubris there is some great advice here. I also think there is a lot of advice in here that can get taken out of cyber and be put to use if one is looking in their local community as well.

Will get back to a totally original post next time, the topic of which will be watersports so those not into that or care to try to understand people who are might not want to check in for several days. I have started it but not finished and I am worn out this morning by what my Master put me through this weekend in the most pleasant way.

Finding your other online is possible. More often then not people have already shot themselves in the foot with how they go about writing their profiles. Here are some tips that are not only from my personal experience but from reading more posts then I can begin to count of people complaining about not finding a good person and the almost unanimous replies to those posts in what people are looking for when searching for one on an online personal site.

These tips are good for all roles and genders

1) Positive is attractive and negative repels. Avoid rants, bitches and bad attitude.

2) Write specifically to who you want to attract. Way too many just go on and on writing about all the people they do not want. Do you not want to find the person that is compatible? Why write about all the ones who are not?

3) Effort translates into sincerity. If you are looking for your long term other do you think that particular cause deserves more then a few minutes? Before you even go on to a site to set up a profile sit down and type out your essay section. Write who you are and what you are looking for both for the regular life and the power exchange life. Take several or many days to add and edit your profile. Reading something a day later you often see it in a different light. People who have profiles that basically look like they took a couple of minutes to write just makes it look like they are on the site on a lark.

4) Write the profile based on the person is a stranger. Do not assume you are going to get the benefit of the doubt. Way too many people write profiles subconsciously that come off like you should know them on some level already.

5) Do not waste space or time giving yourself qualities that everyone thinks they have. It is unoriginal and horrendously boring! You may think writing you are real, sincere, honest, safe and experienced makes you special or attractive. Think again and browse profiles of people like you. You will find everyone else has those same qualities and not one person has written they are fake, insincere, liar and dangerous. These are qualities you earn with the person and not something that puts you at the top of the list or separates you by just writing those words.

6) Do not get carried away. Women, a man is a man and not going to be perfect specimen from your fantasies. Just because they might be your Master does not mean they will be perfect. Too much listing of qualities in away that makes you look like you will never meet anyone who is not truly a perfect human being will convey to the more real and sincere man not to bother with you. This is just some time killing fantasy fun for you.


Men, online is not some order form to pick out a woman from an online catalog. Write for a woman you are compatible with and not just your perfect vision. If you go trolling for young women in their twenties by stating you prefer 20-25 then do not be surprised when you write women older they will not touch you. It is far easier to read a message from a woman who you are not attracted to because of age or physical appearance and a quick reply of thanks but no thanks then eliminate someone because you listed your IDEAL woman. A woman even in your age limit and height/weight preference can still be turned off by the mere fact you list something like that. Us woman do think about when we age or gain a few pounds if we will still be attractive. Listing a narrow and utopian preference will make most women wonder even if they fit that when they get past your age preference or gain a few pounds will they get kicked to the curb.

7) At the same time do not be too vague. Too many males write not to eliminate anyone. All this does is eliminate everyone. Write to your target. Dominants: submissive people want a decisive take charge person who inspires and has a strong vision. We want to imagine what life will be like with you. Submissives: dominants want to know in fairly direct ways if you are going to be a fit in the power exchange areas or not. Flowery prose and information on your regular self is fine but do not go looking for your other on a power exchange site and then play that aspect of compatibility down by dismissing it for a later time.

8) Get over yourself! I repeat, GET OVER YOURSELF! No stranger cares about your baggage, issues and bad experiences. This is exponentially true about your attempts to find your other online or even in your local community.

Women, just because you get a ton of messages when you create a profile does not make you special. You will get a ton of losers. Deal with it by deleting them and move on. Complaining about them in your profile just makes you look like a negative person.

Men, you create a profile you have agreed to being a normal person and you should not expect special treatment. Complaining about fakes, women who disappear and ones who never reply back only causes you harm. No women will ever be attracted to a man who whether directly or indirectly assumes she is guilty of being insincere before she is innocent.

FOR BOTH GENDERS IF ALL YOU HAVE DEALT WITH IS “LOSERS” OF VARIOUS NATURES IT IS OFTEN BECAUSE YOU HAVE MADE YOUR PROFILE INTO A SELF FULFILLING PROPHECY BECAUSE ONLY LOSERS WILL HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU!

IF YOU ARE NOT GETTING THE PEOPLE YOU ARE AFTER, LOOK IN THE MIRROR, WHO YOU SEE IN THE MIRROR IS THE MAIN REASON. TRY A DIFFERENT APPROACH.

In addition to watching your attitude, get over your self importance. Manifestos on how a dominant, slave and a power exchange relationship should be like this is absolute fact are a big negative. The life is a big tent and failure to understand with that there are no such things as one true ways will put you in a poor light even if the other likes your way.

9) Do not have your profile be dominated by what you think the other dominant/submissive should be like you are teaching a class in power exchange relationships. For the most part they know who they are and will be a fit or not a fit. They want to know about you not about a theorized utopian version of them. Write how you would want to read if you were the other role. Do you really think it is really a good idea to have a profile made up entirely of a theoretical slave should be? Do you really think a potential slave just wants to know that?

10) Do not write your fantasy image of yourself let alone lie about anything. Remember you goal is to find just one person not to impress cyber strangers. Do not risk destroying trust if you find someone and they catch you in a lie. They will find out your ex did not leave because of some great career opportunity you guided them to or that your former slave who you had for years left to take care of a sick family member eventually. Do not post pictures that were you ten years and thirty less pounds ago. Do not claim you are a business owner because you get some extra cash by cleaning gutters beside your main job.

11) If you post pictures most people prefer normal ones in normal settings. Women, those who post nude and provocative pictures I doubt the men mind but also understand it will be even more vital to have a good profile. You will get attention but many of the more sincere will also be skeptical of your sincerity for a real time thing. Men, will avoid the cock shot cliché gripe, but understand not any picture will do. You drunk, unkempt or acting like a child in the picture you might think twice about posting it.

Remember women are not as visually stimulated as you men. A picture for us can often be way more important with the clues it gives. For example, a picture of a guy who is physically top notch but looks drunk, horribly dressed and clutter and filth all around him is far less appealing to most women then a man who is not the classic stud physically but is nicely groomed and dressed and the background is clean and/or thought to where the picture was taken. Also a man all decked out in dominant gear with a sneer on your face comes off more funny then attractive.


12) Do not make gross generalizations about others who are online. Even if you think an abnormal amount on a personal site are “losers” of some nature the fact is it comes off as negative, obnoxiously self-serving and incorrect. No matter how high the percentage there are still a lot of honest and sincere people. A person who can make a strong case for themselves without needing to tear down others to build themselves up is attractive. Basically ripping on others to make a case for yourself is going “please pick me as I am the only thing left over”, just not attractive let alone inspiring at all.

13) Spelling and grammar do count. Even the ones who proclaim it does not for them are lying. At the minimum a profile with misspelled words and bad grammar will have a negative effect on a person’s mind subconsciously. If you have competition in getting a person’s attention then why would you immediately start off with a disadvantage? Poor grammar and spelling also shows lack of effort, sincerity or too much self involvement. It is the equivalent of showing up at a bar smelly and dirty.

14) You are not more important then anyone else. Nobody from any gender or role wants anything to do with a person who thinks they are above other people let alone them. Avoid idiotic phrases like “my time is valuable” it makes you look stupid and is unattractive. Everyone at the minimum thinks their time is valuable why is yours more? In fact it could be said if you are so busy or have such trouble with judgment on who to take time for, that one can easily infer you might not have anytime for a real relationship or are a very poor judger of people for us to trust your own opinion and how it actually relates to you.

15) Admit and deal with the facts. Most men know women are not at a loss for men contacting them on a personal site. At the same time though most men seem to not put two and two together and understand your profile and message will not get the benefit of the doubt or automatically get intense consideration just because. You are competing with every other man who has written that woman, understand, accept and deal with it. Only dismissing others you have never met as losers only makes yourself look like a loser when trying to get a woman to notice you.

16) No shortcuts! Online is not a bar and all you need is a good opening line. The sincere other who is sincerely looking is wanting to find another who is sincere and sincerely looking. They do not want to have to strike up conversation with everyone to see how sincere they are. It is literally not possible for a woman inundated with messages to do so.

Avoid self serving justifications because strangers do not give a damn. A stranger does not care if you are better in person then writing. A stranger does not care that you think a written profile is useless. Only a fool comes to play golf dressed in a baseball uniform and wearing a mitt. You are online for a reason and you have to deal with it or do not bother to begin with.

17) Before anything else get to know yourself.

It is all good to want to think you want or be in a power exchange relationship. It is another to not make a serious effort to look at yourself and try to honestly figure out what you need or would be compatible with. You owe it to everyone who you will be in contact with regardless of role or gender not to mislead them even if it is subconsciously. You also need to respect what others are about and just expect another to sacrifice to your desired levels in the power exchange areas.

Dominants there is nothing wrong with wanting a normal relationship with a submissive kinky porn star when in bed. There is nothing wrong with wanting a traditional role relationship. There is something wrong though if you go looking for a person who wants 24/7 type power exchange relationship when not wanting or able to provide that and expect them to fit your limitations and desires.

Submissives there is nothing wrong with just wanting bottom things done. There is nothing wrong with not wanting 24/7 in any of this. There is something wrong though when you lead a dominant on that you might want this or think another can change you into wanting this but still expect a dominant who expresses to want this to change their desires when you figure out just what they are.

Your profile is the first impression you are giving someone. Now if finding your other is important is it not? For something this important being negative in general, accusatory, condescending and showing up in dirty jeans and a T-shirt while on a first date is not consider a good strategy. Why do that version with your online profile?

Stay positive, be patient and never forget you are writing for one person who fits you and not running for some popularity contest or some law person who can change the Internet by calling out all the people who have done you wrong.

Mentors

Reposted from my FAQ blog because I read something that miffed me and this was better then a more long winded thing I would have written.

Is there value to mentors?

Mentors are a controversial topic in power exchange life as there are many possibilities.

In my opinion there are two ways mentors add any value:

1) The common view of a mentor is a person who you can learn, respect and bounce questions and opinions and get an OBJECTIVE opinion back. A mentor like this is NOT going to play with you or want any power given over to them. They are just their as a friend.

2) Many use the word “mentor” as a euphemism for a short term or casual relationship that may or may not have sex involved but will have power of some type and level given over and probably some kink things.

So if one is in the exploring stage and wants to find out what they are attracted to and want in a power exchange relationship before looking for the one often people love the term mentor as it seems more noble and less tainted then fling, short term or words of that nature.

Now the bad things that mentor can really be a bad term.

1) Giving power over, especially decisions or controlled communication, to basically a stranger is seriously fucked up.

First and foremost even calling yourself a slave and in the most total power exchange relationship has any person in a free society abdicated their personal responsibility or their right to pursue being happy. If you want or even think it is a good idea to give someone else power over major decisions in your life that is not your love one but some person who wants to be thought as a mentor you need to step back and get some help.

People do not do things just for the good of their heart. Friends and family who have known you for years care about you. A relatively new person to your life is not caring about you but wants something from you.

People who “enjoy” mentoring another by taken the “broken” submissive and fixing them into someone who flourishes is just as devoid of self esteem as the submissive who agrees to follow them. They are relative strangers and their drug is feeling superior to others and a submissive looking for a mentor to show and protect them from this new strange world is their drug of choice. They will not help that submissive by being independent and getting them the help and support they need in order to work on their self esteem issues but instead feed on it by re-enforcing the thoughts that the submissive cannot make good decisions for themselves.

How is someone going to “fix” someone when they have an absolute need to feel superior to anyone close to them to begin with? Mentors like this are all hot air. Remember someone looking out for another’s best interest is going to only be concerned about trying to get the other person the tools so they can make good decisions for themselves and not shield them from the big bad world.

2) One true way

If interested in having a mentor avoid anyone that has one true way type thoughts whether just being friends with the person or playing with them in some way. If your goal is to explore and find yourself then being told to you have to do this or do that is just a giant waste of time and can give you a bad impression if that one true way is not your way.

3) Fear mongering

There are just too many, even good experienced people, who need to chest thump to make them feel better about themselves and this is often expressed by promoting the classic “every dominant but me is a loser and an abuser”.

It is very simple if you could not make good choices in others in the regular relationship world you will struggle in the power exchange world. Of course there are losers and abusers in this life but they are the same types in the regular world and if you are all there easy to spot.

This life for someone new can be scary and seem more extreme and therefore might feel it is completely different the regular relationships and therefore the people must be completely different. They are not. A friend/mentor would be someone who helps calm your fears and educate you and not someone who hides you from exposure and stokes your fears and hesitations about this life.

Is sex separate?

Reposted from my FAQ blog as I thought it was a good companion piece to the post above. In some way you could substitute sex with any other thing we rely on our significant other to give us that would fall to us as a need or strong desire but sex is the one that certain cyber theorist love to think is irrelevant drive for a submissive.

Is sex separate from BDSM and other kinks, D/s and M/s?

I am absolute in my belief in this issue and will write soon about sex and power exchange in a large post but want to get this down now.

Sex is a drive that goes up to the line between strong desire and need. Most human beings have zero desire not to try to have a satisfying sex life. Sex is also something that in many of us driven to heighten desire with intimacy with a person we love. Wedding nights and anniversaries couples are not making the effort to be alone together so they can break out a nice private card game.

When doing BDSM things with our other they can and often tend to be intimate experiences on some level. So even when not done for sexual pleasure the mind is often still going in areas where sexual desires will come spilling out. It is like giving your other a massage in your bed while naked. It does not have to be sexual, it can be totally sexual and it may or may not directly lead to sex.

So do any acts or pure power dynamic it is always about sex. Certainly not none of it has to be. The overwhelming odds though are if you are doing these acts and only with the one person you love that these acts and sex will intertwine in potentially a variety of ways.

Why do some then promote this life has nothing to do with sex?

Because they are extremely selfish human beings or in self denial to themselves and others involved with them period!

Again sex is a drive for a human being and one where most of us will insist on trying to be satisfied in this area. The ones who preach this garbage do it for various selfish reasons.

1) People with abnormally low or none (asexual) sex drives. They use power exchange as a way to try to find love and commitment but with little sex or none as possible.

2) Married people who wander outside their marriage to get their BDSM/kinks desires satisfied. They do not have sex with the people they play with (they already have a sexual outlet) and like to promote no sex so potential partners who this has a sexual factor will not try anything sexual.

3) Couples or even single people who only want parts of another human being but not the whole of a person and use power exchange to try to get that. They want the submissive to be totally dedicated to them but they do not want the responsibility of the other side of the equation. These are the people looking for free maids, cooks, babysitters, personal assistants and general free laborers. As you can probably tell by my words I find this particular group to be quite disgusting because of just how ignorant and selfish they truly are.

Now of course there are submissive people who are more then happy to be treated this way and not have sex or it is very limited. They may also have low or no sex drives and other perfectly good reasons. But these people are like finding a needle in a haystack.

Why I particularly hate this group of people is because they refuse to acknowledge what they are looking for is very rare but instead try to convert everyone to the belief power exchange does not have to include sex. That submissive’s really only need to please their others to be happy and any other needs/desires means they are fakes and losers. That somehow submissives are less human because that can be the only logical conclusion why they think we are such incomplete human beings.

Being Shared Sexually

Warning the following post is all about an owner loaning, sharing and any other term to describe an owner ordering their slave to do something sexual with another person not of their direct choosing. I know this is not for most people and just the thought colors opinions greatly. For those who have no interest, only view this in a very negative way and are quick to judge then reading this will be a waste of your time. You are entitled to your opinion but it does not make it absolute fact.

Mention this topic anywhere and one must be prepared for an influx of negativity, instant judgment and pretty much constant talk of imagined worse case scenarios. I have wanted to write on this topic pretty much since the start of this blog but waited until now just for those reasons and wanted to build up a library showing that I am a sane human being. I have been a slave for now well over a decade and have given power over to all my owners in letting them share me with who they want with certain safety precautions. Because of this I wanted to write on this topic based on a person who has done it and not out of fear, negativity and judgment of pure theory that often are the one’s who control the direction of such a topic.

Obviously since I am open to this dynamic this post will be bent in the positive tone. Without filling the entire post with constant disclaimers here are three disclaimers that go for this entire post.

1) I believe this is something that most people are not meant to do.
2) I do believe that a person either has it in them or not. One maybe who has it in them might need a lot of things to happen to get to do this but there is just not a switch in every human being’s brain that can be turned on to get them to do it.
3) I will use some colorful and positive words of my experiences. By no means because of those words do I think that makes me a better or cooler person let alone submissive. Certainly by no means do I think this is something that should be tried until it blows up in a person’s face either.

Why would a female submissive agree to do this?

I will write the same question for the dominant and with both I will explore two areas.

Purely Sexual: Hey women like sex too and there are women who are not hung up on monogamy. Just do some research on the swinging/hedonist life and see no shortage of women openly embracing this way of life. Plus many women who are more naturally drawn to willing to have sex with others can have societal guilt feelings to overcome and one way that this can be accomplished is to be order to by your Master.

Power Exchange: As any human being and maybe more so with a female who we choose to be sexual with is a very personal thing and then throw in when we have given our heart to one in particular person then sex with another person can be a powerfully intense thing. As a slave and in a mutual agreed upon severe power exchange relationship my desire is to give as much power over to my Master that I can and to limit conditions and limits of my Master using this power.

Certainly then for many of us that can, giving over the power of who we will do something or all things sexual with is a tremendous showing of love, trust and devotion to our owner. Certainly for me personally it there is not a close second in terms of doing this act only for my love and devotion to my owner on such an intense and emotional mind frame.

In terms of enjoyment the pleasure, if any, that comes from the physical acts is totally irrelevant. This is the ultimate act of power exercised over me. This is domination in the most intimate form. There is no getting around it my body is his to play with. Does one get actual pleasure from the event I will write about later. But for me make no mistake that dichotomy of dread and fear combined with doing it with passion to please and show my love and devotion and then seeing how pleased or turned on my Master gets by doing this to me is in incredible feeling. The actual experience can truly be awful but afterwards reliving it along with a positive reaction from my Master will open the flood gates to intense arousal.

Why would a male dominant agree to do this?

Power Exchange: As I wrote in the section above giving your other your body for use like this is certainly a severe level of control and power over another person. Because of this certain dominants are going to be into this. All acts are not the same. Ordering your slave to cook a certain meal is not going to have the same affect as ordering to blow another man. Within the power exchange dynamic that type of intensity can be a turn on with a dominant in using the power given the dichotomy as with a submissive.

Then there is the acts of seeing of a Master seeing their slave perform such a deeply personal and very tough act to do only for the love and devotion of them. That is what I have seen the most personally as a motivation. As I have written often a slave shows their love and devotion not in doing the things they love or would do anyway but in doing things they would not normally do and/or dislike doing but want or need to do them for their owner. My experiences when my owners have exercised this power over me that my willingness to do it just for them was an incredible feeling for them to experience.

I remember my first time doing it. I was owned by a couple who loaned me out for a weekend to another couple. I came back all petrified and scared to death they would treat me differently and think way less of me because I had done it. But when I came home they gave me such a warm welcome and aftercare that they were touched immensely that I would do this for them and it certainly set off intense sexual events for the following days.

Purely Sexual: There are people that truly get off in seeing or knowing their other is having sex with other people. I was totally blown away when I was introduced to the swinging/hedonist community and having conversations about this subject and seeing it first hand.

I have seen or heard about it from two reasons. The first is look at it like a man who loves to be seen with his beautiful wife when she is dressed to impress or maybe on a beach with a barely there bikini. They get turned on knowing people are looking and lusting after her. Well letting another fuck them is just taking to the next step. It is somewhat like you just get a taste but I get this whenever I want.

The other which floored me when I saw this for my own eyes is there are people who just flat out get turned on and get off in seeing or knowing their other is getting fucked silly. I think most would assume men push their woman into the hedonist community just so they can play with others but my experience was many enjoyed events more from a spectator of seeing their woman being used sexually. In fact just do a Google search and type hot wife and find just how this can in fact be a big thing with a man.

Myths of this type of play

1) Males dominants who want this power outnumber female submissives willing to give them this power.

My experience is just the opposite. There are more women open to exploring this area with at least many constraints or few then men who would like this power. This is just a very different situation and mental acts then what this often gets tied into which is the man wanting to play with another female.

2) The Master is going to turn there slave into a disease infested whore.

I will answer this with the same answer I always do when people use worse case scenarios. Just who in the hell are you serving or how dumb do you think other human beings are? I am not giving over power like this to someone who I do not love, trust and devoted to just as I would not be with if they did not love, trust and are devoted to me. They have just as much motivation to keep me healthy as I do.

Yes, there are risks in this type of play and one of the main reasons why many would not even entertain the thought of this type of play. But as I wrote in this post there are risks in most things we do and it is about accepting the risk we do take and minimalizing the risk and not just pretending the risk we do take are somehow “better” risks then other people’s choices.

3) Reality is different then erotic fiction.

For the life of me I do not understand why people use vivid imaginations and ideas from erotic fiction they read then translate that to what really happens. I have never had another man outside of my owner fuck me without a condom. Gangbangs that I have done were with hedonist friends not strangers picked off the streets lined up out the door.

Of course there are other things done that have had more risk but still most reading this were not virgins when they met their other. Saying you love one another before fucking is not a medical solution to eliminate risks.

4) Just because they do does not mean they are always doing it.

People just love to believe that when people are in any non monogamous relationship that means on a daily or weekly basis sex with strangers is happening but that is just not the case.

I remember on close friend who was quite conservative had more sexual partners in one year then I had being owned and shared. My personal experience has been all over the map to being used a lot this way to be used occasionally this way. It, or at least certainly for me, is not the quantity but the giving and acceptance that my owner has this power over me.

A peek into my experiences

1) Before actual sex.


Always nerve racking if I know or think I know ahead of time. Obviously when owned to people active in hedonist lifestyle there were events, destinations and parties where is was not if but who and when but I have also been prepared well ahead of time that I would be doing something or it has come shockingly out of the blue. I remember one day coming home from a class and my Mistress just inform me there was a man in my bedroom I was to entertain for example.

2) The actual time spent with other including the sex.

This ranges the broad spectrum of human contact. From the awful and incredibly boring to a really good time but in my experiences one on one private situations tend to be about just getting through it and trying to make sure the other person enjoys me and our time together.

My first owners had a friend who always stayed with us and got use of me when he was in town. He was a sweet guy and absolute stud so I must say I enjoyed his stays. Then there was a weekend I was loaned out to three men at a hunting cabin that was the most awful boring weekends of my life.

3) After the event.

The first few times I have done it with my different owners it is always nerve racking until I get some feedback. Once I know I have pleased them and/or see the pleasure they get from doing this to me then that is the time the sexual objectification, humiliation and degradation I have experienced translates into arousal for me and it is often quite intense.

When used a lot by my first owners this way the less dread or aftercare was needed by them on me but always some was needed. I very much have always needed to know soon after that I am loved and even if the reason I was loaned out was on the cold side that was not the main benefit for me to be owned by them.

Conclusion

As I wrote in the beginning this type of play is not for most. For me personally I am glad I can do this for my Master but not something I need in my life. But I just wanted to write something not tainted with fear and negative judgment and to get some peek at the people who actually do things of this nature can be sane and stable people.

Experience: The Big Nothing

Warning the following post might come off as very snarky and negative toward dominant men who regardless the reason they do it promote their experience and the importance of experience as phenomenally important and special. I will not say my snarky negativity on this topic would be misinterpreted because that is exactly my intention to deflate this concept.

In my time in local communities and other public communications maybe the most guaranteed thing to come across is dominant men who consider themselves experienced metaphorically shouting from an imaginary pedestal just how special and important that is. Conversely at the same time want all submissive women to know how bad and dangerous men who have no experience are.

Of course life is only slightly a billion times more complex then some generic word experience in how it gets tossed around. It also fails to hold up to any semblance of logic, is a put down to all submissives because it insinuates we can not look out for ourselves and it wrongfully tries to trump so many other more important compatibility issues. In fact just the mere attempt to take an intangible thing like experience and use it to try to make something that is inherently intangible (finding our other) tangible is a joke in itself.

Why promoting experience in this way is so stupid?

Here is a list of things one can be “experienced” with and what will emerge as a pattern to why trumping experience to be vitally important is so obnoxiously stupid and self serving.

1) “I have years of being involved in my local community for years. I have taught seminars on impact play and bondage. I can give you references from many people who I have demonstrated on”

What does this have to do with a power exchange relationship? All this states is a person who already knows how to play with some of the toys and they behave well in front of others. Well for the life of me I do not know a submissive woman in a relationship going “We have so little in common and do not enjoy being around each other, but that does not matter because he knows how to play with the toys from the first time we met.”

Also, being safe with others is just that being safe with others. Couples do 99% of things together in private and we all know people can act far different in private then in public. I work in an ER and have to deal with abusers and abuse victims far too often and most act like gentle selfless people.

Stating you play nice in a public setting does not make people who do not play in public settings dangerous by deduction. My Master makes me feel the safest I have ever felt in my life and had never done anything in public in his life of this nature.

2) “I have trained and been with a certain amount of slaves over a certain amount of years.”

The question a woman like me would ask would of course be “How come none of them stayed with you or why cannot you pick the right one for yourself?”

Do you see women lining up around the block from a man proud to communicate “I have been divorced four times.” Most of us would not call such a person an expert at marriage and in fact most of us would question if they had even one clue about marriage.

Volume does not translate to expertise.

3) “I have only been in one relationship with my wife for a certain amount of years.”

Now I will be less snarky on this one because it would be considered an asset to me personally for someone to tell me this. At the same time though what this person had with their one slave does not mean they can have with another person or anything else that is somehow transferable to be tangibly important over many other aspects.

For example, in one local community I was active in there was a man offering $100 to anyone who witnessed one particular couple communicate anything along the lines of power exchange dynamic outside of top/bottom play only. They passionately thought of themselves as Master/salve but none of us saw anything including plenty of public and private parties and often words to convey any sense of obedience from her were sarcastically slammed down by her as a no way in hell I am like that reaction.

One great relationship you had does not mean you will be a great Master with anyone.

4) The constant attempt to paint new people and/or others who are not active in local communities to be extremely dangerous.

This is by far my biggest slam on dominants who directly or even indirectly promote this concept. It has only become worse since I found my Master who never participated in a local community and only had ever done top/bottom bedroom type stuff.

For one it is a huge put down on a submissive female like me. Basically since puberty women have had to learn to take care of themselves and be able to learn and tell a safe man from a dangerous man. Obviously some women fail at this but for the most part most of us are pretty darn good at it. Why men who have never experienced aggressive people of the opposite sex who are always physically having the ability to overpower us think they have better observational powers in this area is completely beyond me.

Second this simply holds zero logic. Everyone has to get experience somehow. If new people are dangerous because they are simply new that means by logical default the windbags who preach that garbage were dangerous and therefore could still be dangerous. But of course ask them and they will tell you some noble story that shows that was not the case with them. Guess what, that is probably a true story but the giant hypocrite inside them refuses to believe that people they know nothing about might also learn in a very safe way.

5) The old scare tactic “I have seen or heard so many horror stories of new dominants sending someone to the ER.”

This is the classic use vague anecdotal evidence to make anything that a person says more believable. Well I have spent most of my career working in an ER and out of around the ten cases I have seen over the years come into the ER that were BDSM related only one was from a clueless couple. All others were long time couples who failed to remember their age or became over confident got themselves in trouble.

I see the same idiotic argument with people who ride motorcycles. Some sort of build up of false bravado as ask pretty much any rider about the dangers and they almost always say the same thing, it is really only dangerous for the inexperienced and foolish people. Well the many riders who I have seen wheeled into my place of work and almost all of them that can respond will give one of two replies. 1) I cannot believe I did that. 2) It was some idiots fault. They almost all claim years of riding and if idiots do cause crashes then that is something one cannot eliminate completely by experience.

When people use this experience angle it is obnoxiously self serving and ill logical. Often that is what a submissive is going to see as well.

In a nicer way why experience is not more important than or as important as anything else when a submissive goes looking for their long term one.

Look at it this way, ask anyone about any type of relationship dynamic out there the same question “what is important for the relationship to be a good one?” and you will not get one answer that will include experience in the answer. The reason being is there are a lot of important compatibility factors that go into making a good and healthy long term relationship go.

Just off the top of my head a couple needs to be compatible in areas like how they want to live, where they live, children, how to raise children, enjoy being around each other, enough common interests to want to be around each other enough, relationship dynamics and in a power exchange relationship a specific way in that area. There are most certainly a lot more then what I just listed.

The fact that a submissive is automatically eliminate anyone who is looking for a slave for long term who does not have “experience” is to severely limit the available pool.

In addition to this, in a big way no matter if one or both have a ton of direct experience when we get with someone new we start over building trust and finding what is going to work between the two people.

Finally, for many people like me, why would I eliminate a person who might be my long term other based on a criteria that is easy to fix when so many other things that are key are either there or not.

No, I am not bashing experience

I think experience can only be an asset and one that a person should mention as a positive. I just believe it is not only an error in judgment but depending on how you communicate this belief can be incredibly arrogant, self serving and insulting to pretty much everyone.

What I do think experience is a good thing is for two reasons.

1) Experience shows that a person has sustained in interest in at least some aspects and reduces the odds it is a flight of fancy type thing with the person. The gung ho then settle after awhile in a regular relationship can happen but in my opinion there are plenty of signs well before you commit to a long term situation to not obsess over this fact.

2) A person with experience in the toys might let the people go deeper faster IN THAT AREA when they start in that area. Not really relevant when talking about a long term relationship.

My personal experience

When I met William he had only some top/bottom bedroom play that was totally conditional stuff. He had literally no experience in power exchange or doing anything in the kinky area where the other did not get off on it in the moment.


But we hit it off on so many other levels that the time for us to grow together in this particular area was meaningless. He liked the fact I would debate him on subjects we disagreed on while still being perfectly obedient. He was drawn to my passion for my job. I was drawn to his perfect personality and the fact hero worship was not his goal but a natural enjoyment of controlling another and feeling his clear passion for the more kinky things.

Master William is not some special man. He is an ordinary man who is special for me and I hope vice versa. It not only took months for us to trust each other, to learn about and from each other in all things including the kinks but we are closing in on two years together and still a work in process to where we want to be of just the things we know about.

Despite my experience and his natural sadism it took months for us to do extensive things our play with more dangerous toys. Despite my love of all things watersports it took him months to trust my words and for him to indulge without worry in that area. I personally learned I would not want to trade any of these experiences and building up of things if William had previous experience and we could have moved maybe faster.

The same with the power exchange dynamic. If anything I think it helped greatly that William had no experience. Instead of trying to jump to a destination we it might have been easier or more on the front of our minds to explore every nook and cranny and see what works best for both of us.

I look back and while there was a lot of hours reassuring each other and endless test runs that one or both got nothing from but they were totally worth it because when you are a fit with another and that extra special thing is there it breeds a feeling like one I have never felt certainly.

Conclusion

It is not that experience is neither an asset nor a person who prefers experience in their other that is the problem when the term is brought up. The problem is promoting experience as some sort of vital ingredient when it takes so many ingredients to make a successful relationship work.

For most people with a mature and healthy outlook in life, experience is not going to be a make or break factor and to also include fear in promoting experience is somewhat insulting to us. Look at it this way male dominants, when you go looking for your long term someone do you eliminate a woman based on them having short hair all the while knowing they can grow it out? I think not.

Common mistakes starting out

Below are some of the most common mistakes I see people make when they start going from thinking about a power exchange relationship into trying to get into one and this can be either an regular couple changing or finding your dominant or submissive.

No particular order of frequency or importance outside of #1 and #2 which are the most common in my opinion.

1) Ill thought out plans.

Too often I see new submissives that have no concept of what type of power dynamic and kinky desires or ability to handle things of that nature that are looking to find themselves but at the same time only looking or willing to do anything submissive with a person they think might be Mister or Misses forever.

Power dynamic is not just an optional dessert to most people that are searching for anything more then top/bottom play and even to many who it is all top/bottom play. Often the I love and care for the person so we will find mutual ground in the power exchange dynamic is thrown out but that is not an honest or accurate thought. Often what happens is after the people fall for each other one or both start role playing their part to fit the other’s desire in this area but that can only go on for so long before they get weighed down by this and revert back to their normal selves.

You will see this a lot when you talk or read about people who had someone but the other lost interest or stopped playing with me and things of that nature.

2) Dominants are not one size fits all.

In the excitement or desperation of having someone in some type of power exchange dynamic a dominant will often pursue anyone who might be interested in them. This of course is doomed because how we are and need in a power exchange dynamic is a major compatibility issue and like number one not just assumed two people who get along in other things will fit in a power dynamic part.

As a dominant you have interests, desires and are wired how you are. A slave like me who is into being dominated without concern or brings pleasure from my lack of pleasure in suffering for my Master will never fit a sensual sadist who will only do impact play if the other enjoys it for example. Or if you are wanting a more natural relationship without any rules, rituals, punishments and disciplines you are going to look for a submissive that appeals to and not because the other needs them do it for them because as I wrote in #1 that never works.

3) Not continually discussing the power exchange dynamic you want, think you are about and the reasons why with your potential other.


It is unfortunate but a truth that for a solid percentage of people what they think they are and want in theory is not what they really are about and capable of doing. But whether it was lost in the fantasy, wishful thinking or communicating to another only what they think the other wants to hear then once they are with the person whether any power is exchanged or any kinky play the person demonstrates whether in words or actions that they are not remotely going to be or want what they originally communicated.

This is the one I personally experienced in my two pursuits of being owned. People would clearly communicate originally they were this and wanted that but then whenever the topic was discussed multiple times in a live setting it would become very clear that none of that was ever really a possibility with them.

The danger of course in not to continue talking about the dynamic is because as two people become closer whether any thing of this type is being done the two people should be finding out they are on the same page and drawn to the other in this way. Exchanging some Emails and phones calls at the very beginning and then only discussing regular couple stuff is a recipe for making sure both of you are not on the same page.

Take a normal example like a person saying they want children. But then being with them awhile you hear many comments that would not be the case at all. Same with power exchange aspects can happen so do not assume what they say originally is the absolute truth even if they are honest and sincere in your dealing with them.

4) Focus too much on the kinky and power exchange dynamic.

Basically the opposite of #3 and pretty much self explanatory to most but I will throw this aspect of it that is not so obvious.

Often if all the focus is on this aspect in developing the relationship that there is a much higher risk of falling into the delusion that somehow power exchange relationships are drastically different then regular relationships in most things and that people are different as well. They are of course not, but what does happen is everything can become blamed or thought through the relationship dynamic when often it is just something between the two people.

5) Lose focus too easily.

I have seen this in two areas. One is where the two people are apart by some distance that a bulk of their communication is done with phone, IM and Email. They then often try to have some sort of power exchange dynamic through this communication. The problem is real communication and heading for an actual real time relationship can take a back seat to this type of play and/or grand judgments on each other’s behavior in this particular dynamic can be very bias toward what either or both are like in a real time live relationship.

The other area is I saw was my time in local communities that a new person coming in to learn about themselves and hopefully finds their other will lose their bearings. So instead of taking what you see and learn from the people of the local community and actively searching out another it quickly becomes about hanging out with friends and adopting their views which may or may not work for them personally. In all honesty in the three local communities I had the pleasure to be active in there were always group(s) of people that seem to form an unofficial mutually assured failure group. What I mean in that is like some cool clique from high school who just knows everything but no one had seen any of them do anything. In these groups are all perpetually single people who knew everything about everything in the power exchange and top/bottom life but none ever dates anyone as all the other gender and role were all conveniently deemed losers. They made the life their whole social life but had forgotten they were originally there to find a personal life.

6) Failure to comprehend the other person you are interested in is a human being like you.

There are two polarizations that often can muck up the possible meeting of the middle to form a great relationship. On the one hand you have often a female submissive moving very slowly and very cautiously out of anxiety for the potential pitfalls. Then you have the male dominants who trying to be all dominant like and men behaving like they do often pushing for things before a woman are ready.

The problem is both these groups tend to unfortunately become so tunnel vision on themselves that they lose track that they are dealing with another person. So even some of the nicest and coolest male dominants can end up looking like jerks when they jump into a transactional mode of “if I do this then you will”, putting the head before the heart and not accepting they move a two different speeds and making idiotic demands that sound dominant but turn out are great reasons to get dumped. Then there are perfectly sincere and serious submissive women that move so slowly that defy any sort of time limit they would impose on any other type of relationship and/or dynamic that they frustrate the dominant into making stupid demands or get dumped by ones who grow weary.

These are relationships just like any other but just with a different dynamic. Being greatly looser or conservative by how the relationship develops or thinking trust is earned differently based solely on the dynamic is power exchange is often a recipe for not being in tune or respectful of the other.

The Doormat Issue

The phrases “I am not a doormat” or “I do not want a doormat” in this life has become so casually tossed out that they really are useless when people mention the word, doormat.


Unfortunately between role and gender miscommunication and people using the phrase as an ultimate vague qualifier have caused quite a bit of confusion. Submissives that use the phrase to run from any actual power exchange but just want to be submissive when and how they feel like it and dominants that use the phrase whenever they communicate something severe and want to calm a submissive’s nerves.

There is though in important compatibility issues that get lost because this term is so popular to toss out that often confuses people when they are in the beginning stages of a relationship.

What is a dominant getting at when they talk about not wanting a doormat?

Most are simply stating they do not want a black hole for a submissive. They want 24/7 of an obedient slave but they want the person along with that. They want someone who can carry in interesting conversation with, have reactions and opinions to things whether good or bad/in agreement or not and have some degree of self sufficiency and can be proactive in various areas.

What they are not wanting is basically a helpless robot requiring non stop orders and attention. What they are not wanting is to only hear “What do you want me to do?” or “How can I please you?” come out of their slave’s mouth.

What is a submissive getting at when they talk about not being a doormat?

Most are simply stating that along with obedience and identifying oneself as a slave comes a person. They need their other to treat them like a person and not as an object or purely a piece of property. That as a human being that comes with multiple needs and wants, a personality, brain and emotions and that the dominant a slave submits to has the power in the relationship but that does not eliminate caring and making sure the slave does have their needs and strong desires met.

What they are not wanting is an owner who thinks a slave is 24/7 only about pleasing their owner and an owner who does not think the person matters or is not “slave like” for it to cause the owner thought and effort.

Slaves do require doormat qualities

Everyone hates to admit this but being a slave in a total power exchange relationship requires elements that can be construed to being a doormat.

As a slave we are required to be able to be obedient at all times and the simple fact of the manner this life requires us to do things we would not do just on our own and when to do them on another’s time frame. This does in fact require for us often to put our other needs, wants and desires temporarily on the back burner while we attend to our number one need and commitment to the dynamic and that is caring for and being obedient to our owner.

So this can mean fixing a meal they ask that we do not feel like making or eating. It means putting out sometimes when we have zero desire or energy to do so. Calling yourself a slave and agreeing to a severe power exchange dynamic means agreeing to do things the other wants not doing things you want to do for them when you want to do them.

Sorry dominants but slaves are people

This dynamic is consensual slavery with a human being. This requires that an owner be proactive in making sure your slave is getting their needs and strong desires met and this will include sacrifice on your part both in time and energy.

This will require you to do things that show you love them and sacrifice time and energy when the slave has things that all human beings have to interfere with your preferred way of life. This will mean having to attend parties and weddings you would prefer not to. It will require recognizing your slave is tired or not in a good frame of mind to do something you would like them to do and sometimes not then making them do it.

This dynamic is not some drawn out role play

To me when I see the doormat issue come out in a power exchange relationship is because the people involved are not being themselves but are being actors in their idealized view of how they want to be and what they think the Master/slave dynamic is “suppose” to be about.

Whether just misdirected intention or a severe symptom of some unhealthy mental issues the role players will inevitably return to who they truly are and often the power exchange dynamic along with the relationship will come crashing down. A slave cannot be a 24/7 empty vessel awaiting direct orders on what to do. An owner does not become all knowing and wise by calling themselves a Master and for owning someone willing to call them that.

If the people in the relationship are not real and acting real the relationship is doomed.

The doormat issue is not a power exchange issue but a compatibility issue

In the end when people harp in the area that the doormat phrases get tossed out they are really not communicating about what power exchange dynamic they are wanting but are talking about what type of person they are wanting for their other.

Any power exchange dynamic regardless of the level is based on commitment to the agreed upon dynamic and for the dominant and submissive to be strictly faithful to the dynamic agreed upon. Power exchange is a relationship dynamic and not a personality or general human being changer.

If you are a dominant the slave is not a poor slave because they speak their mind on issues or will question something you will say. A slave can still be totally committed and perfectly obedient and still have their own mind. A slave a Master can demand respect and proper attitude when communicating with them but this does not mean you are limited in anyway from getting information and your opinion to them expressed.

An owner is not doing something wrong from the power exchange dynamic if they never concern themselves with what their slave might like in things like places to eat, movies to see and things of that nature. They are just a crappy significant other. A slave is not poor at being a slave if they only do things directly ordered that please or carry out orders with poor attitude. They just might be selfish and not into their other.

Conclusion

In the end we will only end up being who we are and nothing more. The dynamic cannot change that. For those of us who thrive in a power exchange dynamic it means that this particular dynamic gives us the greater chance of being happy and to flourish as ourselves.

When looking at our other we have to accept them for who they are and not to confuse power exchange concepts with compatibility such as personalities and what works and what does not work with those personalities inside the power exchange dynamic.