Emphasized Qualities of a Master

This is not going to be some all consuming stereotype list where qualities like trust, honesty, communication and on and on get listed or written in such an overblown way. Sorry, but when ever you start to list qualities for anyone or any group to have they will in fact be almost all the same. The simple reason being the qualities that are always listed are simply qualities that both genders regardless of any roles strive for to be a good person.

Sorry dominants, but Calling yourself and even other’s calling you Master or Mistress does not mean your qualities such as your word, trust, experience and on and on make you better people or dominants. Master or Mistress does not mean you have or do not have those qualities and ESPECIALLY you have them over other people like it is some competition.

Sorry submissives, your dominant and especially if you are looking for one is no different then any other human being on the planet. Waxing romantically about a perfect human being as a starting point for your ideal Master ranges from setting oneself up for failure to just delusional as a dominant is a person like everyone else and there is simply no official licensing test to claim they have perfect character.

The fact is we all want to be and search for good people. Good people have these qualities that are so routinely tossed out. We cannot give ourselves qualities and think that is that nor can we pat ourselves on the back if some friends give us those qualities as well; even the biggest losers have friends that will testify that they have great character.

So until we start hearing and reading people searching out “good” dominants and submissives but do not care if they have “good” character these qualities that are often mentioned are to be proven on an individual basis and are not qualities that separate a Master just because he utters them as a way to look better then others.

What I am though going to list are qualities that I think a dominant should have but should have it in a large scale. These qualities can or do not have to be qualities that make up a good person but are just ones through my personal history and communicating with others are qualities that go a long way when factoring in the power dynamic and the two people running smoothly. Again this is from the eyes of a total power exchange slave and I am not forming an opinion on lesser power exchange dynamics.

So after finding a “good person” a slave might want to see if the following qualities are also in their dominants.

Decisiveness – This may be hands down the honey that can draw a slave to a perspective Master. It is probably the one quality that before any power is exchanged can and should be shown within the potential Master.

Generally slaves hate uncertainty and being constantly looked at for an opinion or ideas. A Master who cannot make up his mind let alone make a decision and lead is not long for a 24/7 TPE relationship. Decisive is not only a needed quality but simply for many people like myself it is a quality that flat out is attractive to us on many levels.

Example when starting to see someone:

Not hot: “Where do you want to eat? What time is best for you?”
Hot: “I will pick you up at seven and we will be going here for dinner.”

Example in a scene:

Not hot: “Would you like me to use this toy on you?”
Hot: “I want to see what I can do to your tits with this toy”

Show me a naturally decisive Master that knows it is different from being demanding or rude and I will show you a Master that can have slaves drooling over them.

Considerate – The word screams duh and is not that one quality any good person should have but there are levels to being considerate and that is what I want to point out here.

How people normally go about communicating with people and particularly with their significant other is on a personal basis and a compatibility factor. Consideration for other people can range from always thinking about them to only considering them when they are yelling at us.

As slaves we are generally not very good at or wanting to have to speak up for ourselves sometimes let alone always when needed. I do not mean we should never or that there is not a strong difference between cannot or tough/do not like to as never speaking up for ourselves is not something a Master can fix as they cannot be mind readers. So because we tend to want to keep expressing our desires to the minimal it is important to find a Master who has enough consideration in them to think about and read their slaves and just not thinking about them at all unless they speak up.

For example, there is a huge difference between a Master always picking the restaurant that may or may not take their slave’s preferences into consideration from time to time and one who always picks but never thinks about what their slave likes.

Passion for the dynamic – I talked specifically about this in one of my foundation posts. I though wanted to write a short thing here.

There is a big difference between a person calling themselves a Master or a Mistress that want a total power exchange dynamic and a person calling themselves that and are just basically wanting to be spoiled and catered to. The many aspects we talk about like control, discipline, kinky things, domination and so on are active day to day things that a Master must have a passion for doing. Being spoiled and catered to is not power exchange.

For example many of the do not get it types wish to have that 1950’s wife. I call these people the time warped ones. The reason why is because their view of a 1950’s actual wife is just plain delusional. Traditional gender role relationships (1950’s) had females responsible for the domestic work and the man was the final say in many things but there was very little power exchange going on. In other words the 1950’s did not have the wife dressed or undressed to their husbands liking greeting him with his favorite beverage on her knees blowing him before dinner then go finish preparing and serving dinner that she made with great effort and consideration to his liking and approval.

So a Master needs passion for the actual power exchange dynamic and not just wanting an end product of being spoiled, catered and deferred to.

At least a touch of domineering personality – First and foremost domineering does not mean asshole or abusive. It pretty much means overbearing. A good Master will have an aura about him that to his slave makes her fall deeper into feeling more submissive when interacting with her Master.

I like please and thank you from my Master as much as the next slave even though both of us know it is an order but I would not want them with every thing that is asked of me in our communication. Same with tone as all unemotional like without passion would just flat out suck. The fact is at least some domineering personality goes a long way in helping create a healthy power exchange environment and flat out bring good things and feelings to a slave like me. Now personally I do not like a little domineering personality but I like a ton but I also know this is not normal. But at the same time those Masters who get a thrill out of saying how they never do anything with passion(a voice raised or not polite) which includes actively controlling their slave and come across as dispassionate professors as their personality I can guarantee you have trouble holding onto a slave in a 24/7 TPE relationship.

For example, I am the answer to the question of who would go out with an asshole like that when you would see my man have my coat and tell me we are leaving in an absolute tone and prefer that over him asking, even if we know it is an order if I am ready to leave. The latter I follow but the former literally gets me sexually excited.

At least a touch of sadism – There has to be a better term and would take suggestions but I am not necessarily referring to liking to give pain to another when I use sadism. What I am trying to get across is a quality in a Master that can enjoy making their slave suffer in some way.

What I repeat often in this blog is simple. People with submissive personalities do not need a Master or any agreed upon power exchange dynamic to be happy. They will spoil and defer to whoever is their significant other. People who identify as slaves have submissive personalities who enjoy, desire and crave being dominated. Domination is what the Master brings to the table in forcing their will and control on their slave. By definition this has to be some things that a slave would not want to do otherwise there would be no need to be in a power exchange relationship.

So a Master who can only order and control knowing that their slave gets direct pleasure in the act is not really dominating but facilitating and will lose respect from the slave as they are not getting the fuel they need which is being truly dominated.

So in some way a Master or Mistress must enjoy making their slave suffer which is dominating and controlling them in a way which they do not want or enjoy for the actual thing itself. It can be actual sadism of enjoying inflicting pain and seeing tears and hearing cries and other direct action things to making your slave do things and taking great pleasure that they suffer purely out of love and devotion to their Master but there has to be a strong element of pleasure received by the dominant doing something(s) that are in fact active domination.

Conclusion

When talking about qualities toss off the qualities that every one should have. A dominant a slave will serve should be a good person and therefore have those qualities. Basic qualities that all human beings should strive for does not make one better or special because of a title or thinking one has a “code” that includes these basic human qualities.

The qualities I mentioned and certainly others that slipped my mind can be qualities everyone should have but at least for a total power exchange relationship one is wise to find a Master or Mistress that has these particular qualities oozing out of them AS WELL AS being a good person.

Get Over Yourself

I was on a message board this morning and a post gave me pause as the original poster although claiming experience but woefully ignorant of basic couple life and many posters who once again took a topic and made it about how cool they are.

Basically the topic was two proposed questions to submissives. 1) How can one deal or get over if your dominant is disappointed in you? 2) How does a submissive deal with the times we get upset with our owners for something and/or communicate it with them while still being and feeling we are property?

Now of course there are many healthy and respectful ways to do these things but the point of this post is to address the thought or myth that somehow 1) All screw ups are or should be devastating to a slave and 2) being a slave and a healthy human being proactive in our relationship do not contradict each other. I have written about this area in my Perspective post and in parts of other but thought this is something worth its own post.

Difference between a healthy and unhealthy relationship

The answers to these questions are actually simple. For those of us in healthy relationships with both people being fairly mentally healthy is the fact we are being ourselves, do not base our relationship feelings on the last emotion and words our other has or we have and do not question our other’s devotion day in and day out.

For those in an unhealthy relationship or have unhealthy personal issues then you will see words and actions that can be almost viewed as life and death drama within their relationship.

Get over yourself dominant


For the dominants who use emotional blackmail or find themselves often questioning, often in passive aggressive manner, your slaves obedience and devotion when they do something not of your liking the issue becomes about you not them. Slaves are human they will screw up and/or do or fail to do things. As a dominant you must be able to separate the human who will not be perfect and the slave who screws up for reasons within the dynamic or their ability to serve in that way toward you.

In terms of having issues with a slave pointing out one’s possible mistakes, short comings and asking questions you feel are judgment based, if you think this is a poor slave act no matter how the slave approaches you then you could very well have self esteem issues.

Get over yourself slave

We are going to feel bad when we do something our owner thinks was wrong or causes them undue burden. But there is a big difference in thinking about what we did or did not do, take our punishment if that is in our dynamic and learning to TRY not to do it again then needing to destroy ourselves and let the whole thing become about us.

When we beat ourselves up so much to where we need our owner to calm us and make us FEEL positive they have forgiven us then it ceases to become about the issue and becomes about us and our self esteem. If we did something that was our fault that needs to be the focus of our thoughts and not turning it into making our owner feels guilty and burden them by how we handle it.

Emotional Blackmail

When it comes to these types of thoughts in the end it is good or bad depending on the intent. To use emotional blackmail by guilting your other into a desired action or emotional place is just going to blow up in our face at some point. There is a difference between pointing out and discussing a screw up with your slave and using emotional wording because you either like to see them squirm or you have taken a screw up by your slave and turned it into an indictment on your personal perfection as a dominant. There is a difference in beating oneself up over a screw up if you are a slave and beating oneself up in such a manner in order to control the situation and get what you want out of your owner.

There are two levels of beating one self up. There is the unavoidable one when we just get pissed at ourselves and hopefully for most of us we can manage that one. Then there is the beat ourselves up that I described in the above paragraph. Both the owner and slave need to recognize and deal with which one it is.

We do not role play in healthy relationships

I am not perfect let alone the perfect slave. My Master is not perfect let alone a mistake free master. I am a human being who identifies as a slave and live an extreme power exchange dynamic. I will screw up and will beat myself up on some things and others not at all. I will speak my mind but in a respectful way when I do not like something my Master did or said whether about our dynamic, life or our relationship in general. This speaking up can be done in a respectful way and has zero reflection on my love, obedience and devotion to my Master or the agreed upon dynamic.

My Master does not need to use emotions as conditional in order to control me. He never makes me feel he does not love, care and is devoted to me and our dynamic to me when any screw up he thinks I may have done happens but deals with the screw up and moves on. My Master knows he is not perfect and would never expect me to try to make him feel he is perfect by never speaking up or pointing out things that would cause him reflection.

One must be who they are and the dynamic is a way to live and not a way to change or hide another person’s personality and brain.

The Words We Hate

Master: “What do you want?”
Slave: “Whatever you want.”

These two phrases or anything similar for most if not all dominants and submissives to be the least favorite phrases to be uttered in all of human language and in the perfect world would never be uttered ever. But the fact is both the question and answer are founded in truth for many as a loving couple let alone combined with a power exchange dynamic these thoughts will be in our head.

Why does a dominant bother to ask this question in the first place?

Because all dominants are clearly morons! Wait a second… that cannot be right. The reason why they ask this is because they actually want to know!

Great dominants are great people and they are concerned about making sure their other is happy. Is that not a key part of love? They are also not mind readers and combined with hopefully the elimination of passive aggressive words, actions and body language from the slave with the dynamic they can be left with minimal indicators on what we are thinking or our preference/desire for the thing they actually will spring this question on us.

A dominant asking this question probably generally wants to see their slave have something they want specifically or at least wanting to seriously consider it.

Why do most slaves answer the question the exact same way each time?

BECAUSE THAT IS THE FUCKING TRUTHFUL ANSWER!

We have submissive personalities. This simply means ANYTHING that involves our owner in some way means the top thing with nothing a close second is doing what will be pleasant to them and not cause them any undue burden. For example, I may be craving a good pounding of my pussy but if I know or my Master tells me he really wants a blow job then that desire of intercourse ceases to matter in the moment. In fact, if I even think he is only doing something because he thinks I want him to, regardless if it is true or not, will make that act unpleasant for me.

We get that when the question is posed to us by our owner they do not want the “whatever you want” answer back. But we are also not suppose to lie and dominants need to understand that when wanting a person who puts their other’s needs and pleasures ahead of their own comes with this mindset.

Where to avoid using these phrases:

For dominants:

1) Never regarding sex, discipline/punishment or any of the kinks. Anything done to me in the moment will become an icky feeling if I think it is being done only because. For example, I love oral done on me as much as the next person but it is never enjoyable if I think the person doing it to me is down there for any other reason then enjoying it or wanting to hear and see me react sexually.

2) When you have already expressed an opinion on what you want. This is pretty self explanatory because if a slave says something different and that is your choice our doubt will make it not what we wanted anyway.

3) As a training tool. There are some idiots new to a power exchange dynamic that will just love hearing the “whatever you want” when starting out as it is so different to hear that without strings then often in regular relationships. But that will wear off and you will inevitably actually want to know a different answer so do not encourage that answer as some automatic reply.

4) Being lazy. Very simple, an owner needs to be as proactive as they can. To use a question as a lazy crutch instead of making an effort to be in tune with your slave’s feelings, emotions and needs is a recipe for disaster because it turns into topping from the bottom.

For submissives:

1) When they clearly have communicated they want a different answer then the standard one. Self explanatory and sometimes we just have to go to our second want and leave it up to them how they treat that information.

2) As a cop out. Your owner should make it clear they want a different type of answer. It is one thing to use “whatever you want” as truthful it is another to keep using it to avoid the truth if you do in fact have a strong preference or opinion. Give the information to your owner and let them handle it. If they handle it in a manner that is not comfortable to you then that is something to talk about.

3) When discussing significant things. Fairly self explanatory as certainly anything big like major purchases, finances and general dynamics of the relationship is not the time to not have a personal opinion or desire that is strong enough to at least be close to the normal answer. There are also still other things that require a different answer even though a slave may not feel like communicating it. Discussing vacation plans that might cost serious money for example, as “Do you want to go here?” by the owner. The owner is just like other people and is going to know if your heart is in the right place or not eventually. If they pick someplace that will just suck for you no such feeling of I will just then be there for my owner will make it all ok. The owner will get the vibe and probably get mad or ruin the experience for them.

Ways to go about avoiding the hated question or answer

The fact is it is vital in a good relationship that a owner is going to want honest reactions, opinions and preferences in various things. While in some or many of these things the truthful answer is “whatever my owner wants”, that what the owner wants is constructive feedback.

Here are just a few things to think about when communicating with a slave in order to get the feedback an owner wants when the common answer is unacceptable even if it is the truth.

1) Watch the tone! Slaves will pick up on the littlest tone and use that as our guide. If an owner’s tone conveys “I am just asking because I think you would not like what I am thinking” might get a completely different answer then a tone of “I really have no opinion and really want some input from you”.

2) Limit the potential answer in the question. Instead of going “where do you feel like going out to eat” an owner can go “Where do you feel like going to eat between a or b and your answer can only be a or b”.

3) Potential punishment. To go along with #2 if the slave still tries for not an a or b answer then that is being disobedient and subject to a punishment.

4) Avoid as much as possible question to immediate decision. Keeping the where to eat example a better time to ask them a question would be hours before you inform them where you have decided to go.

5) Along with #4 change how you go about asking the question. Maybe hours before start a quick casual conversation about what each is craving and take that response as what they probably would choose for dinner.

6) When possible do something to get a read from their reactions. This is not good for all things, say picking a place to eat but can be good in certain things and done in a certain way. For example, which hole the Master is going to use to get his sexual relief. If the Master wants to know if the slave has a preference do not ask straight out but maybe tease her with the options and see which gets the biggest reaction from her.

This dreaded question and answer is always going to come up. But there are ways and a conscious effort to try to avoid using them from both sides. Understanding and accepting the motives of each and not to rely using them as a crutch or a cop out is important in order to not breed problems.

Foundation: Part Three-Consistency

I moan and roll my eyes every time people start listing qualities of a good dominant/submissive or what is the foundation of power exchange relationships. The reason why the list is always qualities that are important in any good person or in any good relationship like trust, honesty and communication.

This is not that. I believe there are four important qualities that are critical to highlight as they are ones that get more emphasized in power exchange relationships. The reason being not that they are more important compared to other relationship dynamics but they are more radically different or require more conscious knowledge and effort then in other dynamic types.

To me there are four: Structure, Atmosphere, Consistency and Passion.

I want to write about them in four separate posts. So this post is dedicated to:

Part Three: Consistency

This should be a very short and simple post as I think everyone reading knows what consistency is and tends to be in favor of it in pretty much all things in life when they are good things. I mean we really would not want a consistent whiner or a person is late or maybe some of you do and I am sorry if that offended.

So in a total power exchange relationship (TPE) what are some of the things that we need to be extra careful to be consistent with.

Here are some things that are important make sure there is consistency.

Use of power as communicated: This is very simple as a slave I am going to often act in a literal sense. That is what happens when obedience is dominant in our life. When in a long term relationship things will of course change and often a dominants interest in some things they are very active in controlling with their slave and tastes and preferences they may not be direct but have established clearly communicated guidelines. It is very critical for a dominant to be consistent in these things and if/when something changes do not just think normal evolution will take care of it but to actively change it with communication with your slave.

For example if an owner decided they will pick out all clothes worn out in public for their slave then you must be prepared to actually do that. Sure on occasion a pick it yourself is fine but if it goes from always picking the outfit to the point your slave has no clue if you are going to pick it out, let her decide and especially get annoyed by her asking then that will cause anxiety and stress for the slave and that is a problem.

Punishment: This should be very self explanatory. An owner has to punish both causes and what the punishment is in a consistent manner. If we all had a dime each time a submissive complained about this area being inconsistent and the troubles it caused there would be no talk of any recession. Strict obedience is not natural. If you have set up a life that requires strict obedience there are some things that are just required and one of those is to be consistent in dealing with infractions. A slave needs to know the punishment will happen if they commit a punishable thing. It is strong motivation and, get this, a strong showing the owner cares about us and the dynamic. To not punish consistently again causes stress and anxiety in a slave that will hurt their obedience and cause issues in general.

Our attitude as a slave: Look we are human beings and going to get tired, be moody and have temporary feelings that are sometimes not how awesome our owner is. At the same time though it is critical not to let these types of things overwhelm our service to our owner(s). Both roles feed off the other and to be inconsistent with our attitude about our role and dedication to the dynamic so for our owner to have to read or feel your acceptance/happiness is not consistent but more randomly based will hurt the dynamic greatly. There are two distinct different vibes of being obedient just because and being obedient because we accept it and want to do it for our other.

Being used in acts of domination/discipline: I wrote here, and have and will in many other places, submissive personality and being strictly obedient from submission on a slave level is two different things and submission and domination are two very different things as well.

Following rules and rituals, doing things that we know please our owner and doing all the normal day to day things assigned to us by our owner is not domination. For submissive personalities like mine that is going to be standard behavior and not keep me in the submission level I need and desire to live as a slave. I can do those types of things in any relationship. I am going to go to the proper level to be strictly obedient and thrive by the feeling of being dominated by my owner. These are direct acts by my Master. I am talking about all the kinks, punishments and direct in the moment orders. These are the things that draw people with submissive personalities to power exchange relationships.

Consistency is important because these acts have various affects and shelf life on a slave like me. This is why for example the maintenance spanking in Domestic Discipline is often critical in those types of relationships. You can read beautiful descriptions in blog after blog about a person struggling and in desperate need of discipline. Without consistency in these things makes a submissive go on a roller coaster of emotions that is just not good. This is why you will often see the common expression from a slave that they need to be used frequently. It is not out of selfish pleasure.

Show you care about the other: This dynamic can be so well setup that often we are getting a lot of intimate moments of some type. But that consistency can also help lose just how special and personal our feelings are to our beloved other and we all adore expressions of love from our other in a way that is appreciated by them and often have at least some separation from the usual day to day things. We need to consistency show our love for the other and our devotion to the dynamic to help reassure and inspire our other. They do not have to be big things and often just words but something that steps us out of our regular world to remind the other just how great we feel about them and the life we are living.

Consistency is not a tough thing to comprehend but applying it and making sure all important aspects in our relationships can be difficult. Life in general tends to want to dominate our time and emotions. Keeping focus on being consistent will help that fight while being inconsistent will help wash away a power exchange dynamic.

Foundation: Part Two-Atmosphere

I moan and roll my eyes every time people start listing qualities of a good dominant/submissive or what is the foundation of power exchange relationships. The reason why the list is always qualities that are important in any good person or in any good relationship like trust, honesty and communication.

This is not that. I believe there are four important qualities that are critical to highlight as they are ones that get more emphasized in power exchange relationships. The reason being not that they are more important compared to other relationship dynamics but they are more radically different or require more conscious knowledge and effort then in other dynamic types.

To me there are four: Structure, Atmosphere, Consistency and Passion.

I want to write about them in four separate posts. So this post is dedicated to:

Part Two: Atmosphere

This is my number one issue to talk about, promote and to often blame for when people talk about the root of a power exchange problem. I am fierce believer that without a proper atmosphere any power exchange relationship in the total 24/7 is doomed. If I could speak in front of every new person about power exchange and could only discuss one thing it would be this topic. If I type another repetitive thing about my love of this topic you will probably stop reading. Are you in fact still reading?

What is atmosphere to the relationship?

It is the vibe of the relationship. It is what each person is giving off through their actions and personalities that form a large part of what we are feeling for our other and life in general.

Look at it this way, two people sniping at each other all day long sit down to dinner. Lowering the lights and lighting some candles is not going to change their mood to a loving romantic one. But what about a couple that all during the day are staring at each other making their hearts go pitter patter and exchanging kisses all day the odds are lowering the lights and lighting candles that any if anything needs to be done to turn it into a romantic atmosphere.

Another example of atmosphere and its overall effect on how it affects us is when we spend time with a person like a friend or family member. Spend time with a person(s) that are very negative and in a really bad mood and see if your leave them you are in a good mood and vice versa.

What is a power exchange atmosphere?

Quite simply it is an atmosphere that makes the dominant feel more free and more dominant and for a slave to feel more submissive.

As I have written in this blog many times and will forever continue to do so the level of total power exchange is not a natural level. Just a dominant and submissive personality even the more extreme does not automatically put you at the level people strive for in total power exchange.

In the end these are relationships and the real world like every other relationship. A huge percent of our life is not drastically different just because we are now a Master or a slave. People go off to work, have social interactions, family responsibilities and on and on. To rely on “natural” way of going through life is going to create a atmosphere that is not conducive to a severe power exchange dynamic.

The things done to create the right atmosphere

Atmosphere is created by how we want to live this life then designing and acting the way to make that actually happen and especially to feel and taste it happening. It is created in our daily habits and routines along with our personalities and how we relate to each other.

So the goal to create the atmosphere that is wanted is to form these habits and routines to make us feel more submissive and dominant. We in general cannot change our personalities and how we relate to each other on the base level but when we acts of domination occur a submissive is going to go to a deeper level of submission and a dominant should feel more dominant and more relaxed about letting it out.

But just depending on acts of domination would result in a roller coaster effect with the atmosphere and that is not a goal of anyone. What can be changed with thought and effort is the habits and routines of are daily life and interactions with our others. How those often get changed and stay consistent is through the use of rules and rituals.

Now many people balk or let ego’s run amok often because of a cool factor principle. One of a cyber theorist’s ultimate cool factors is to promote one rule “obey” and everything else is for people playing and silly. Those people are the ones actually playing. They are dooming their relationships with a lack of proper atmosphere and probably most importantly inconsistency in the dynamic.

Many also balk because of fear of rules and rituals dominating their life by volume or some they have had just seemed stupid. That is because they were not thought about and implemented the right way.

Any rule and ritual should benefit at least one person in the relationship. It should make a dominant feel more dominant a submissive more submissive or both. They can also just be about enjoyment for one especially a dominant. When rules and rituals are done with this thought in mind they enhance the dynamic and help give positive energy. Often people who have bad experiences with rules and rituals it is because they were created on whims and ideas in the head of what a Power exchange relationship should have and not what works best for the two people. This will often cause friction and drain energy.

Example of a Ritual in a reality way from my life

Whenever Master or I come home when the other is there if it has been hours like for work for example, I greet him by kneeling and bowing while saying something to convey love and duty for him or other things that might pop in my mind like “I love you Master and I am here to serve you”.


Now both of us are past the stage and more our natural personalities to get teary eyed emotional every time we see each other and often the result of this action if seen through an independent observer would see two people going through the motions and occasional laughter if on of us comes up with something a little too corny in our exchange. But the point of the ritual and the benefit it gives us is not about obtaining a deep emotional connection then and there. The point of the ritual and why it works for both of us because it helps break regular life where one of us has been for hours and to recognize hey do not let regular life lose track of your dynamic in this relationship.

It really is no different from a couple that has to have a hug and a kiss when meeting each other after work. They are creating their atmosphere with that as well.

Why is this more emphasized in power exchange relationships then others?

Because between our personalities, how our family atmosphere was like growing up and spending time in many other people’s homes our habits and rituals have come predisposed in us for a regular relationship. Even with that many couples created their own rituals and rules that they may not realize but help create the atmosphere in their home.

Why it is important to emphasize when in a power exchange relationship is because you are not shooting to recreate a regular dynamic and are trying to create a power exchange dynamic. Natural will not cut it if you want a severe power exchange dynamic because that is not natural despite the cyber theorists and cool factor people. It takes its own rules and rituals to create habits and feelings and with thought and communication they really can help tremendously create an atmosphere of your desires.

An Honor to Prove Our Devotion

A slave must accept and embrace that it is an honor to prove and show our love and devotion to our owner and a willingness not to question it.

For some the words I just wrote are a simple nod in agreement. For some have no idea what I am writing about. Then there are others, and I have run into many in the past, who think what I just wrote is pure garbage. Their argument is simple and straightforward, these are relationships like any other, I should not have to prove myself to the person I love, period!

The fact is both the dominant and the submissive in a healthy relationship are showing and proving their devotion to each other a lot and like may thing in this life with roles and genders just that they are being shown in different ways.

The big and ugly I word, Insecurity!

First the disclaimer, many do not like to think this and many also do not believe this but all human beings have insecurities. The difference between normal and unhealthy insecurities is that normal does not seem to affect our lives in a dramatic negative way while unhealthy ones do. For this post I am exclusively writing about healthy insecurities.

Nobody likes to admit this and many will argue greatly but a significant aspect of severe power exchange relationships are based on insecurities of both the dominant and the submissive.

The two biggest insecurities for both are very simple, does the other person truly care for me and worrying the other is going to leave us. It is these two insecurities that are the basis of us needing to prove our devotion to our owner.

Men are insecure? Cannot be!

Why yes he is although few if any will ever admit it. Again insecurity is a natural human feeling that everyone has in someway and in some level.

The insecurity of a woman leaving the man is pretty much in every man. Look at regular couples and you will see that in some way it is always important for a man to believe his woman is dependent on him in one or more major ways that she could not even consider leaving him. For some it is an illusion and for some they go to sick ways to make it happen. A lot of the time you see this in the financial area where men need their woman to be financially dependent.

In my previous place of employment working in an ER at a different hospital our group of nurses had a phrase called “the talk”. The women nurses always knew when the man they were seeing was getting serious because they would get “the talk”. What was “the talk”? Well for many, especially younger, nurses we make very good money as ER and surgical nurses. It is very common to make significantly more then the man we are dating when in our twenties and early thirties. It is also fairly common that it shocks the hell out of these men when they truly understand this.

“The talk” was always about what the nurse’s future was. Now I am not talking of the traditional where you want to be like married with children. Know “the talk” is always very focused on one issue and one issue alone. I want to know if the nurse will do something different in her career so their pay is cut greatly and they can be dependent on me that way. Trust me many men lost wonderful women over this obsession once they fell for the woman and they realized that they did not need their money.

But surely my awesome confident owner is not insecure

I am afraid not only is your one and only insecure about if you love them but they are really insecure about you leaving them. In fact they are significantly more insecure in these things then most regular men!

The life is full of cyber theorists who spout off clichés like “A slave should only need to please their Master to be content”. It is full of comments that are designed to show dominants as human but perfect in Master things like anytime there is a problem the common expression is “The slave should have brought this to my attention and I would have then dealt with it” so to always have a I am perfect thought by having this thought in their back pocket.

But these people who truly believe this are dealing with unhealthy insecurity and that is not the topic. But within those thoughts and others similar but just lessoned lies where many quality dominants do live in their battle of insecurity and dealing with it in reality. They want to set up some sort of instruction manual or as long as I do this and that they will never leave me.

This is why we should be honored to prove our devotion to our owner


Yes, for me simply put all the difference in the world to jump through hoops for the man I call Master to show my love and devotion for him if it helps sooth his healthy insecurity and not just because he has asked me to. We should be honored and happy because our owner cares so much about us they are insecure about us leaving them.

You will read this all over my blog and all over in most places. We do not show our love, devotion and commitment to our agreed upon dynamic by doing things we want to do, how we do and when we do but we show and prove those things when we suffer for our owner. We prove our devotion when from the mundane things we do for them and our life day in and day out with out complaint but we also do many things on the extreme level that really fuels this aspect.

The more we are willing to suffer for our Master the more they can be confident that we truly do love them and if we do the out there things for them then all these day to day mundane things must be perfectly fine for us as well. Our owners are freed of worrying about us not loving them and leaving them.

My, are we not just the most unselfish us slaves!

No we are just as selfish as any other human being and just as insecure as our owner. In fact in some ways it is a big compatibility aspect of our relationships.

Think about it, why are we so concerned with pleasing our owner and wanting them to be happy? Why do we adore suffering for them so much? Why is it so hard when they sometimes neglect us in the discipline and suffering area?

The answer is the other side of the coin to our owner’s. Because the insecurity we feel of if our owner cares for us and will stay with us is relieved when they use us in this fashion. We can relax [often result in that freeing feeling] knowing that if we do everything they require and it brings them happiness and pleasure they will love us and not want us out of their life. When we know they know was extent we will go through for them that it will free them up to be themselves and not worry about us and therefore assign stress and unhappiness over things because they think we want it.

So it truly is an honor as a slave to prove our devotion to our owner and not some one sided sick game because we are getting something we need right back when we do it.

Obedience is not difficult

Ok that is something of a trick statement. The fact is being a slave and being obedient is not something that should be a day to day struggle. The problem is for us to overcome our previous programming to make obeying second nature.

How our brain has been trained

Our brain has been trained to make decisions all day long. When making these decisions often the criteria is based on our head making judgments in what is best. Whether what is best for me or what is the best way to go about this. The end results of this process is over time we have become experts in our own mind in what, how and when on everything that goes on in our lives.

I know for myself and many slaves or would be slaves this is often where difficulties appear when we start serving on a severe level. We have to start dealing with many day to day things and situations that come from another person in guidelines, direct orders and timetables. The struggle with obedience comes from having to often deal with the fact that their brain has done the judgment of what is best when making these decisions and that can often, even if it is minimal in impact, conflict with how our brain processes the same thing.

Part of human frailty is we are prone to constant judgments of right and wrong. So often when our owner’s orders conflict with how we have normally done we can fail to recognize it as just being different but can be prone to judge it as wrong. Let me give a very tame example as not to color the discussion, a slave might have always in the past put the orange juice in a certain place in the refrigerator but now their owner wants it in another place and the slave mind starts thinking how stupid is the new place and can they not realize how easier it would be if it was left where I have always put it. Then to start to rationalize a slave might be disobedient and keep it in the same place because they are the one to get it out of the refrigerator anyway.

I clearly want to obey my owner how come I cannot change my thoughts so easily

I believe we have three levels of desires that affect decision making in our day to day actions:

1) Long term: These are desires we have made decisions for ourselves that we make effort accomplishing over long stretches. Example like what career to have, if a person decides to become a doctor they have then made the decision of how hard they will study, understand most of their twenties will be used for this and other things.

2) Intermediate: These are decisions we make for desires that affect things we do but on a shorter nature, like weeks and days. Example like having friends over for dinner in four days, we have now made a decision to clean our house, go grocery shopping and other things in the days to come until the dinner.

3) Short term: These are desires of the moment. Example, do I want to watch this program or that program. They are in the moment decisions that have no affect on the intermediate and long term desires you have.

Most people who are “bad” decision makers are not that they cannot make good decisions in a vacuum but they make decisions with the wrong filter process. So instead of filtering from long, intermediate to short they often start with short term only to find out that screwed up intermediate and sometimes long term.

So what has this have to do with slaves struggling with obedience?

Because as slaves we have pretty much given over our short term decision making and often struggle early on with this very fact.

Look at it this way from a slave/relationship standpoint in the stages of desires:

1) Long term – We want to be in a healthy and loving relationship that is power exchange based.
2) Intermediate – We want to see, hear and experience our owner being happy and enjoying pleasure of using us how they want and we have agreed to. We want to receive their love back in ways we ourselves like to receive love back. We obey our owner to show our commitment to them and the dynamic.
3) Short term – We follow our orders and rules in order to avoid punishment. We do things even if we do not like doing them by using our feelings for our owner and this often represents our devotion to him.

Most of the time we struggle with obeying is because we have focused too hard on short term decision issues while ignoring or failing to connect these very decisions have a major impact on the intermediate and long term desires which are exponentially more important to us.

What can be done to retrain our minds?

In the end time and effort will usually win out. But in moments where we struggle, have doubt or start to have angry or negative feelings about what is being asked of us there are some easy things to do.

1) Ask yourself what difference does it make? It is simply astonishing how many decisions we make based on preferences or in the moment desires that have actual no impact in our lives. Does it really make a difference if you fix dinner a different way? Does it matter if you prefer to put away the laundry before you do something else?

2) Ask yourself are you obsessing over the short term and ignoring the intermediate and long term desires. If he orders you to wear shoes that make your feet hurt. Do you think just about that or think if it makes him happy and he is taking me out to dinner and who knows what else what is the big deal of a few hours of my feet hurting? If he wants you to primarily where dresses but you have traditionally worn pants. Is taking the time to get adjusted to the difference too much trouble for you when in the intermediate and long term it will be nicer for him and eventually you will adjust?

3) Concentrate on thinking I enjoy and need his love and acts of love and love him very much. I may not like or even hate doing this but doing this will show him my love and devotion to him which is a very important act of love he needs.

Conclusion

On the mundane items of life obeying often is about focusing on ignoring our short term thoughts and judgments. The more demanding things that we struggle on the better we focus and obey the more we show our devotion and love for our owner. Anyone can do things they do not mind when they want to do them. To do things, do things a different way and things when another wants not our preference is where we build the foundation that makes our long term desires happen.

Obedience is not hard if we learn to stop judging what needs not be judged. We stop worrying about single moments and focus on the bigger picture. If we do that, obedience not only becomes easier it can become bliss.

Leap Part Two: From part time to 24/7

Infatuation and having an on/off switch

So you are currently in a great relationship whether you are dating someone or you are a couple that has introduced aspects of power exchange into your life together. The goal though is for you to take it 24/7 which can often be way more troubling then it seems. Once again there is a leap to be taken!

The gap between part time and 24/7 is large because it operates on a whole different mental level. Think about it. When you are dating someone you know when the next date is. You can spend time up to that date thinking about what will or might happen. Our minds get mentally prepared for a short term. Even if the “date” last days and you are a slave the whole time your brain is functioning on some level that come the end you have some or all of your power back. In addition to this why are we even thinking of going 24/7 at this moment? One of the reasons is because we are in that infatuation/love stage were their mere presence makes our pussy’s wet and our heart’s go pitter batter and just even thinking of them releases the warm fuzzies.

Established couples much of this is the same thing. You have started something new and exciting in your life that obviously from your consideration of going to 24/7 has gone quite well. But so far situations have been just those situations. Maybe most of the power exchange situations have been bedroom only, negotiated times and things or a trial period run lets say on some or many weekends. Just like a couple getting to know each other your reactions are also going through the excitement of the newness and your brain has usually had time to prepare for what you are expecting to come. You still always have the safety of that thought that you go back to basic normal when the clock strikes a time.

24/7 means never having a start or stop time

Thoughts of 24/7 often come in two forms.

Often the over romanticize thoughts are the ones we like to focus on. These are the thoughts and feelings that I normally describe as taking feelings and behaviors from the just before, during and after of the more direct acts of domination done on us. These can be in the range from the mundane to a quite intense scene or act. The thought though that can get planted is that these deep level of submissive feelings and how this often deepens our other feelings like our love and pleasure with our dominant can be felt 24/7!

The other form is thoughts of 24/7 start to seep into our brains on a deeper level. Now instead of thinking about it when we are experiencing the warm fuzzies we start to think about it during normal activities and thoughts. This starts to scare us. We think what if my owner will no longer let me do this or do that. What if I cannot handle doing something particular every single day? All of a sudden the worse case scenarios start to appear in our head.

Irrationality of these thoughts

Well the thought of the permanent high of submissive feeling is of course a drug that does not exist. Since this is a post on making the difficult leap and people who fall to hard for this thought often leap way too easily and ignorantly that writing about this is for another time.

Now the worrisome thoughts about going to 24/7 can be healthy or cause paralysis in one’s desires and goals. Here is the reality of life. Look at any type of relationship throughout time and no matter where on earth you will see couples doing the same things only who and how they are done. Now think when you are with your other when you are on have they changed into different human beings when in the more regular aspects of life. I would hope no. I am guessing if hanging out on weekends you are having plenty of normal conversations, having some regular social activities and a whole bunch of other regular moments.

This is because even in a total power exchange relationship regular life happens. Now not to say there cannot be twists or changes in the details of these regular day to day things but in the end the person you have gotten to know, hopefully, is the person who will now own you 24/7. How they are, their interests, how they treat you, their goals and the other vital compatibilities do not get changed.

So to go to 24/7 should just have the same thought process of going 24/7 in any other type of relationship. A person to move to 24/7 should be sold on all aspects of the person they are with and not just the submissive feeling one is left with when in their other’s presence.

The thought processes that do have to be overcome

By far the number one thought process when dealing with making the leap is what I am going to lose by doing it. Obviously the positive things for the most part are not stopping us from leaping so that does leave the negative ones.

Instead of some generic words I thought I would just type out some thoughts that have popped into my head or have heard as fairly common ones and simple thoughts on those thoughts.

“What if they want me to no longer or limit my time with friends and family?” – Well have you discussed this? For most of us if they went “oh by the way, now you cannot see this person [insert close family member or friend]” before at anytime we would have gone in our mind big red flag. Now for some people that have people in our lives that are truly bad influences and someone who cares for us might be able to lead us away from them. But this should have nothing to do with power exchange. Time with others should be something you have talked about and have a compatibility with.

“Will I ever get personal time and have time for my interests?” – This is one I have heard a lot. Again we are talking compatibility. Some couples desire all personal time to be together. Some couples only see each other at bed time. Most of us like something in between those two polar opposites. You should before ever going 24/7 have some idea that both of you have compatibility in this area. You as a slave can be independent and have a bunch of interests but best find an owner who enjoys doing his own thing as well. Just like if you think we means we in most things, better find one who feels the same way.

Now I will introduce you to a term I use often and that is cyber theorist. These are people who with no real experience in long term power exchange relationships will write poetically that a slave is this and that. Often these theorists will spin a belief that even when the two people are not together or any number of situations that a slave should only be about pleasing their owner. They will mention taking classes to improve your service and having you develop a mind set where thinking about and doing things to make your owner’s life easier and pleasurable is 24/7. Let’s be realistic here. That is simply insane and a zealot over romanticized thought. I mean really could you imagine a life between two people where the other has no thoughts and desires except one! Does that sound sane?

Pleasing your owner is our number one desire otherwise how can we really be consensual slaves? It is though just one desire in a human being that is made up of many. Reality is you can spend a great deal of time when away from your owner in ways to improve yourself in your service if your owner desired or you yourself chose to in your allowed free time. I have taken classes in massage, cooking and even stripping. In fact I was a I hate cooking person until I took my first cooking class and since then it has become a very pleasurable interest for me. Even when I was taking these classes I was going to work full time and still was not sacrificing my time serving my Master nor had no other personal time.

“What is he makes me throw out all my comfortable underwear for none or uncomfortable ones?” – Well what if they do? Is that the end of your world, I think not. Again reality and motivation comes into play. Maybe he wants you to wear only thongs and you have found them uncomfortable in the past. My questions to you would be two. 1) How much effort in the past had you tried getting use to them? 2) How serious are you about M/s life or is really just about your convenience in the short term? The reality of this situation is a good slave should be able to try their best at things directed at us. This is very important; a slave must learn to identify things that have very little affected on us in the bigger picture when taken out immediate feelings. Because you tried wearing thongs for a couple of days years ago or only wear them on special occasions does not mean you have tried at all to get use to them. So why not try to please your Master by making an actual strong effort to get use to them. Now, after a long time they still cause a bad result from you then communicate that with your owner and see what can be changed.

This last example sounds lame on the surface but has everything to do with thoughts and fears of going forward. The question that a slave needs to often ask themselves when confronting troubling feelings is often very simple “What does it really matter if this is done or this happens this way?” I cannot begin to tell you how much clutter in our brains and feelings as a slave turns out to be totally useless and counter productive to our service and happiness by not realizing that an awful lot of things we do on a day to day basis have just not much importance or impact in terms of the how’s and when’s.

Conclusion

If a person is struggling with making the leap of going from part time to 24/7 I offer these points to think about:

1) You do have the right to change your mind. As a couple if the dominant will only do 24/7 then whether you can handle it or not is compatibility not failure. Any thoughts about long term negative impact should be thought about as your own mental issues and if you fear such a thing then that is pause for thought and not just about the relationship.

2) 24/7 should be thought about in all aspects of a relationship in addition to the power exchange. To go 24/7 you should want to go 24/7 in all other aspects just like any other type of relationship.

3) Be realistic about what you are feeling. The submissive high you get from moments does not last in 24/7. You should have some experience or make time to experience serving when not on some emotional high. You will be cooking and cleaning when tired and in a bad mood. You will have to put out or give blow jobs when not in the mood or when you are in the middle of something. Know you want and can be happy serving when he has not read your mind or high on love.

4) Talk things out in detail. Sit down with your other at a mundane time and feeling and not pillow talk after something blissful. Talk about what they see what they will control you in terms of day to day control, demands and changes.

5) Try mundane practice runs. Forget about being a slave 24/7 on a weekend. Try doing it for a week when both of you are working and see how that goes. Go a week without any kink things or even any sex and see how the power exchange aspects work for both of you.

In the end, the leap is different as the feelings, activities, time and anticipation can be drastically different. But the motivations and overall feeling we get as slaves though does remain and flourish. I know for me the best way I processed it was that I was running toward something instead of running from something. That made me make the leap with confidence and zealot effort.

Gaining trust goes both ways

Trust is a two way street. We often just focus on the trust the male tries to earn so the female will commit and submit to them but the fact is a female submissive must earn the trust of her dominant that their words of what they are wanting and their willingness to endure the power exchange life from the mundane to the super intense are genuine.

There is a big misconception in my mind that is no ones fault but the natural circumstances seem to naturally perpetuate. Most us women want to dive deep into the romantic portions of a relationship. We want to be swept off our feet by the awesomeness of the man that wins our heart. That everything goes smoothly and pitch perfect. That the man is a completed product only needing to input the woman’s specific information into his brain and mould the dream life. Dominants often promote themselves in this fashion. For some reason anything less then all knowing and shouting I have experience from a pedestal is looked down on as a sign of weakness. That no interaction described does not have a simple solution.

But this is simply not the case. A dominant starts from scratch with their submissive on the same level as a submissive. All the experience of the power exchange dynamic means nothing between the two. Of course the “experience” dominant is safe with his toys and can point to play parties. But those play parties have experience pain sluts volunteering for which he knows them. His new submissive which is a romantic one has never felt his infliction or never taken an order of any type from him, for example what is her reaction during and after the first time he orders her to clean the house as he sits on the couch watching a game. He does not know after one strike she shouts out the safety word. He does not know after one “scene” she turns cold to him. He does not know that one day of following orders she is thinking that is enough of this. This is the trust she must earn! That her obedience is there, her dedication to the power exchange dynamic is not conditional and her devotion to him is always present and her willingness to show and prove it is an honor not an insult.

A Master to feel free and comfortable in his power exchange relationship must trust his submissive. He must know that orders and actions no longer have to be based on the credit system and mood of his submissive like a regular relationship quite often is. He must trust the slave’s words and actions are true not conditional or playing an angle. A submissive does this by time and effort. We do not earn that trust when we are in the infatuation stage of the beginning of the relationship where neither can do no wrong and is sheer perfection. We do not earn it when we do or are made to do things we like or want to do anyway. We earn it when we suffer for them that can often show our devotion to them and the power dynamic. We earn it when we serve them when not our physical best. We earn it by not copping an attitude because they fail to read our mind our body language and turn power exchange dynamic conditional on our current mood.

My Master had only one relationship prior to me which was 100% merely a top/bottom totally conditional one. I was a decade experienced slave most of that time 24/7. His words ache for a slave to own in a severe power exchange relationship which was intoxicating to me. From the first message, first phone call and first meeting if I was not a passionate realist I would say it was a magical fate. Even with this playing out and our experience levels the romantic version played out on the web and many revisionist histories of people talking about their own relationships was not there.

Our first play was a light over the knee spanking. The first bondage was my hands tied so lightly and easy to get out of if I wanted. Our first time having sex had new time awkwardness and stress. The first vanilla order was to change the trash can bag. The first disagreement was about him always cleaning his house spotless before I visited. Nothing in much of being the first would be described on the grand epic romantic side.

The reason is because trust and devotion both feeling and knowing the other feels it takes time and comes in degrees. It can not be planned out when one reaches the destination. Then at some point the degree and level is so complete it feels like a destination has been reached. Where nothing is held back or worried about. That my Master has the confidence he can do what he likes to me and exert the level of control he desires and has complete trust and faith that this will be met with love and devotion for him.

This elusive destination happen to us on this past weekend. He had shared dreams and fantasies during our time being together. Some realistic some just to stay fantasies. I remember early on him sharing on such fantasy about a weekend and my reply was I do not see why that could not be reality someday and he seemed stunned why a person like me would be willing to endure that for him. I remember me replying how a slave could not be willing to endure that for her Master. He fulfilled that fantasy this past weekend. With the level of love, trust and my desire to show my devotion to this beautiful man and feeding off the pleasure he enjoyed as his sadistic and kinky mind let him indulge in from the confidence, love and trust he has in me allowed me to endure without faltering. I hope all during the weekend and afterwards he could look into my eyes and see the absolute love and devotion I have for him. His brain, heart and soul and his ability and desire to dominate me on such a level I thought could not be possible.

I am truly blessed to call him my Master.