Emotional Masochism

I have been reluctant about writing about this topic that is near and dear to my heart out of defiance more then anything else. You see I am an emotional masochist which is why I am such a big fan of degradation and humiliation play. But unfortunately there is a huge double standard in our huge tent when there is talk on this subject. You see because physical masochism gets pretty much a free pass. If one likes physical pain inflicted on them you pretty much get a free pass from all the safety police, directed at you personally not the acts, and all the non physical masochists stay away from the subject.

But for the people like me who are emotional masochists we get no luxury. Whenever the topic of humiliation or degradation comes up or if the specific topic of emotional masochism comes up the safety police come out in droves to talk about stranger’s personal issues and everyone and their mothers often feel free to wade on the subject regardless even if they are clearly not even remotely this way.

My protest was always in a silent way to not treat physical masochism and emotional masochism any different because if you are one or both of them then you are and most things talked about into this area apply even if they may apply differently. But I decided I wanted to write my view on emotional masochism. I am going to be brief because I think this is a topic that prevails itself to either brief or go way deep but in between can be confusing. I will end with me attacking the myths that are promoted.

What is emotional masochism?

I want to give two ways to describe it then go into types.


1) Do you enjoy a sad movie or television program where a character makes you cry? – Many of us do otherwise many movies and television shows would not have these elements in them. Well for an emotional masochist we might really love to have a “good” cry. It might be enjoyable in the moment or it might be the feeling afterwards but some way we like to cry or feel bad as it does not have to be about crying.

2) The enjoyment/pleasure/need of releasing junk deep with ourselves that is quite negative whether we believe it and often when even if we know and do not believe it. This venting of negative junk allows a person to feel more relaxed or feel more pleasurable things that the negative junk might have been blocking.

I know/categorize or for ease three types. I am not claiming this is all or even right but just from my experiences and observations. I am also not discussing levels to simplify it as well. Just like all other people with interests, issues and preferences they come with levels. To assume worse case scenario for each is just as idiotic as to assume very light for each as well.

1) People who have prior abuse that has caused an abnormal amount of self hatred with themselves. – Often people with such an endless source of self hatred from suffering from abuse as a child that they often have trouble feeling anything nice. Often without a safe way to vent this will act out in very self destructive ways. For some their emotional masochism that along with many other factors wonder into the kinky sex area and find an outlet to let out the bad so they can feel the good.

2) People who have internal conflicts of what they feel and what society has preached or doing individual things to how we think they should have gone. They feel but do not express for various reasons like non emotional that way or living up to society behavior so it gets stuck inside them. – This is basically how I am. I will stress myself out trying to be something I do not have to be or intellectually know I have to be but none the less I do it. People like me this is pretty much hardwired into us in such a way that we naturally without reason stress ourselves out.

3) Number two above but with specifically sexual in nature. – Probably the most common one in society. This is for whatever reason a person who cannot reconcile what most people find is healthy sexuality with their mind pretty much all sex is issues and screwed up in some way. The classic good girls do not do that type thoughts. So puncturing those feelings to vent out and let the fun sex feeling their body truly craves is a fairly common thing. Think the classic “I am a slut for my Master” or “You are such a slut. You cannot get enough of my cock” type phrases people do with each other.

Myths of Emotional Masochism

1) Without years of experience as a top it can be very dangerous. – One of things I despise the most and there is probably no way of getting around it is the mixing in of the ego with actual safety talk. This is one of the reasons. Once again we are talking about professional dommes and people who play on a local community level confusing the dangers of playing with strangers in general compared to people playing in loving healthy long term relationships. We are talking about these people confusing other people who are not self aware or dealing with issues unchecked and therefore self medicating that can cross the line to people who do deal with there issues and are self medicating in a safe and healthy way.

Because to think only an emotional masochist can be in this life and not be dealing with bigger issues that could explode on them as opposed to the other things we do is absurd. This is the double standard I talked about previously. This is the be careful of prior abuse shouted from the rooftop whenever these things are mentioned but silenced about past physical abuse when an S&M subject comes up about the dangers in the mind. Or people who are quick to discard themselves and lose themselves into a fairytale image of a slave these people often do not mention or talk about.

If a person is not stable, not dealing or cannot handle their own reactions the it is not skill but sheer stupidity and dangerous irresponsible behavior to be playing with people like this in the first place.

2) The play that emotional masochists are often into is dangerous and can cause damage easily. – This is the most ignorant of all the reasons out there about play like this. Unfortunately it is prevalent because many in this life suffer to some various degree of the cool factor disease. The cool factor disease in summary is the thought of the more power given over and the fewer limits one has makes them better then others. So many who want to try all the bells and whistles in this life but instead of going “oh well, just not for me” instead get their ego tied up into it and make it “this is very dangerous”.

How this comes into play is when people start exploring the area where emotional masochists flourish like humiliation and degradation type stuff. Since there are many that on some level like some of these things on a very light and harmless way (think again of it is cool to feel like a filthy slut during sex sometimes with hubby) that when there is an attempt to go deeper it can be bad and dangerous. But the reason should be in big neon lighted lights, MAYBE BECAUSE THERE IS NO EMOTIONAL MASOCHISM IN YOU!

Once again double standard, as people in this life automatically accept physical pain. But the fact is take a cane to the average person and see if that is not dangerous from a mental standpoint because guess what, it is! Play that goes directly with emotions is a separate play that physical S&M is and on and on with the types of play. People with the cool factor disease are usually more trying to explain why there not into something then accepting others are going to be different from them.

3) That this play can add to the issues of an emotional masochist. – Most if not all emotional masochist that are drawn to this type of play are drawn based on two things. 1) They are harder on themselves then any other person or society. 2) It is an outlet to vent these feelings and not intake them.

The person who feels worthless and cannot find a way to vent it is not getting this feeling by others directly. The person feeling worthless is certainly not getting it directly from the person they love and respect in an ongoing relationship. So some random play that taps these feelings and lets them come out and it is not about stuffing more of these feelings in to a person explodes.

Again, someone’s cane to the tits is deeply enjoyable is another’s abuse chant. Well an emotional masochist might prefer to be totally degraded by their owner as incredibly enjoyable similar to a physical masochist getting their tits worked over.

4) Nobody should be self medicating. – Then there would be no one left on earth. We all self medicate. Whether eating comfort food when we are sad or stressed or flirt or masturbate when our sex life is not satisfactory. It is not that self medicating is bad but that unhealthy self medicating is bad. It is the eating of comfort food until we are morbidly obese, diabetic and with severe heart problems or we start of having affairs and risky sex in these examples.

But if one knows, recognizes and deals with their issues and enjoyments in a healthy way then we call that a person with their act together. Well for an emotional masochists dealing with what we enjoys means in a safe contained way from a good cry watching a sad movie to some of the darker play in this life. Like other stuff they all can be an instrument of good and bad. A person could watch endless sad movies and become physically depressed or a person seeks out getting treated like crap only from another and not have the goodness in the relationship for the same examples.

Emotional masochists are out there and take general pleasure in many things most do not in life including many in this life that openly accept physical pain as being a part of this life. Just like a regular person might see through their eyes at what you do and think it is dangerous and questionable people often in this life see what emotional masochists gravitate to and think dangerous and questionable. But if it is a healthy fit that view is just as crazy as many of the people who get so frustrated and/or hide out of fear from letting regular people know what makes them happy.

We are all not the same and certain things done in scope and intensity in this life are done the same for the same reasons. Some of us really dig being humiliated and degraded a deep enough way by our loved one.