Foundation: Part Four-Passion

I moan and roll my eyes every time people start listing qualities of a good dominant/submissive or what is the foundation of power exchange relationships. The reason why the list is always qualities that are important in any good person or in any good relationship like trust, honesty and communication.

This is not that. I believe there are four important qualities that are critical to highlight as they are ones that get more emphasized in power exchange relationships. The reason being not that they are more important compared to other relationship dynamics but they are more radically different or require more conscious knowledge and effort then in other dynamic types.

To me there are four: Structure, Atmosphere, Consistency and Passion.

I want to write about them in four separate posts. So this post is dedicated to:

Part Four: Passion

When the word passion is mentioned it usually drums up thoughts of the romantic nature. The truth is regardless of a couple’s dynamic there are perfectly contented couples living in relatively passionless relationships when it comes to romance and sex so that type of romance is not anymore required in power exchange relationships as any other.

The passion I am writing about in this post is the passion for the power exchange life. If it is not in you and you fail to nourish it or have it drained from you it can be quite difficult to keep the dynamic a healthy one for you and therefore put your relationship in jeopardy.

Be careful to avoid or understand these situations:

Avoid control just for control sake: There are certain things a dominant cannot avoid or slack off in. As a leader you have to be proactive and accept and embrace that you will be making most of the decisions in the relationship. Most of the time that is not an energy drainer and with some understanding many decisions are easy or automatic.

On the other hand when having what must be intoxicating the power to control a slave it can be easy to over indulge or just set up so many things that require an owner’s attention and effort that it can wear on a dominant. This is no good. Ideally control and/or attention/effort in doing things in the power dynamic should feed us energy most of the time so it may be great pressing all the buttons at first but maybe at some point the dominant becomes enslaved to those buttons.


The classic example is many new dominants think picking out all their clothes for their slave would be cool. But the reality of doing it day in and day out can quickly turn it into a chore.

A slave needs to communicate what drains them and what feeds them: A key part of a life of a slave is doing things that if it was up to us without thought to our owner we would not do. Now I am not just talking about acts of domination but anything that is in our life that our Master expects to be done and done with the proper attitude. Not 24/7 forever do we feel happy and get pleasure from suffering for our owner, doing our duties and following our rules and rituals.

As a slave we have an important and vital duty to communicate what things or what situations can drain us energy wise and also good to communicate what things and situations energize us. The reason for us to communicate this with our owners is not so they will eliminate the drain and increase the ones that energize us but in order for them to manage us better. With knowledge of how we are wired an owner can keep us fresh and this will also keep our passion up.

For example it took my Master a long time to understand there was a big difference in what constitutes a bad shift for me at work. I work in an ER and there are bad shifts like most people’s bad shifts and bad shifts because of some bad shit that occurred with patients. It was important he understand when the latter happen that he had to ease off the pedal on doing things he may have wanted to do. I can handle routine while dealing with a bad shift but it really can have a negative effect on me if my Master indulges in things while I have yet to process.

For both dominants and submissives make sure you do your best not to get run down from regular life things: Obviously there are many times that regular life is going to get in the way or drain us of energy from stress or just energy used and there is little we can do about it. On the other hand, we can sometimes self inflict ourselves with energy wasting regular life things that will leaves us tired and wanting to turn our brains off for awhile. When either of these situations occurs it will take potential time away from doing things or restoring energy that is needed to feed the power exchange dynamic.

For example it may have been fun to go out to the bar two nights in a row or thirty-six holes of golf was better then just eighteen but all of a sudden you find yourself exhausted and not wanting to do anything but crash. That is fine but what if because of other circumstances you have not done really anything in your power exchange dynamic in a week and one or both is in real need to feed that aspect of the relationship. It is important to respect the extra energy and effort these relationships often require to keep them in the passionate desire range.

Things to be careful of when looking for your other:

The brutal truth is there are a lot of people trying to get into power exchange relationships and/or who have had a string of short-term power exchange relationships who just do not have the passion to succeed in one. Often they are drawn to a fictional end result or on demand desire but are unable to comprehend what the whole picture entails.

Generally things to look out for are people who think everything should be natural, there is an end product then little work, focused too much on the kinkier or sexual aspects and taking personal issues and baggage and using power exchange as a way to self medicate. Often they give great emphasis to the word natural. Not in terms of having a dominant or submissive personality but their natural is not wanting to lead/follow, order/oblige and do take or administer punishment or any discipline. The word natural to them is equal to I am dominant or submissive when I feel like it other then that leave me alone.

Things to think about or do to keep the passion for the life in a healthy place:

Be honest with each other: Communicate what drains you and what energizes you both the submissive and the dominant. If a zeal for something or preference has changed from the dominant, then that is fine but do not feel pressure to continue one specific aspect just because you have in the past. If something drains a submissive it is not a fault or means you are less submissive it just means it drains you. Tell your owner so they can factor this in instead of struggling to deal at times.

Dominant do not obsess over your other’s pleasure: Perhaps one of the most common mistakes dominants do with slaves. They want their slave to enjoy the kinks for their own merit, they want them to always have an orgasm during sex or they want every order to be pleasurable to their slave. Slaves are not built like normal people. We are feeders off of our owners. The last thing almost any slave wants is for their owner to do something only because the owner THINKS that is what their slave wants. To do something like this when all it does is drain energy from the owner is a very bad thing. Your slave will get the vibe and even if it is something they always love to endure they will hate it and lose energy as well.

Do not be afraid to indulge dominants: This goes with the one I just wrote. A slave number one enjoyment is seeing their dominant happy, content or getting off. If we can directly be the cause of that whether doing something or enduring something that is awesome and gives us energy so a dominant should not be afraid to partake in things that recharge their batteries. Being in a power exchange relationship means throwing away the instruction manual of when and how many times type thoughts. Another common submissive saying, “care about my overall happiness but just do not care about it in the moment”.

Do not be afraid to take a day off: There are just times when we are run down or do not have it in us to be on a high dominant or submissive level that we are use to being. Nothing wrong with that and to communicate to your other the situation so the other can adjust expectations for that day. Does not mean abandon the dynamic, forget about rituals and rules or other of the day to day things but does mean not to ask for your owner to make decisions or be more proactive. It means maybe no heavy stuff and making sure the slave has some me time for the dominant when the slave is feeling this.

Now obviously if there is a string of days or this happens frequently then there is a bigger problem but sometimes it is just best to see or hear our other needs a mental day off.

We need to be honest when in a total power exchange relationship it requires additional work and effort then that of a regular relationship. This requires a passion in order to be committed to the dynamic and keep it consistent. For many of us who have that passion in us this does not mean it will never disappear. Think of passion like a battery there are things that will drain it and things that can recharge it. We need to remember the big picture and not let the details cloud it up.

Foundation: Part Three-Consistency

I moan and roll my eyes every time people start listing qualities of a good dominant/submissive or what is the foundation of power exchange relationships. The reason why the list is always qualities that are important in any good person or in any good relationship like trust, honesty and communication.

This is not that. I believe there are four important qualities that are critical to highlight as they are ones that get more emphasized in power exchange relationships. The reason being not that they are more important compared to other relationship dynamics but they are more radically different or require more conscious knowledge and effort then in other dynamic types.

To me there are four: Structure, Atmosphere, Consistency and Passion.

I want to write about them in four separate posts. So this post is dedicated to:

Part Three: Consistency

This should be a very short and simple post as I think everyone reading knows what consistency is and tends to be in favor of it in pretty much all things in life when they are good things. I mean we really would not want a consistent whiner or a person is late or maybe some of you do and I am sorry if that offended.

So in a total power exchange relationship (TPE) what are some of the things that we need to be extra careful to be consistent with.

Here are some things that are important make sure there is consistency.

Use of power as communicated: This is very simple as a slave I am going to often act in a literal sense. That is what happens when obedience is dominant in our life. When in a long term relationship things will of course change and often a dominants interest in some things they are very active in controlling with their slave and tastes and preferences they may not be direct but have established clearly communicated guidelines. It is very critical for a dominant to be consistent in these things and if/when something changes do not just think normal evolution will take care of it but to actively change it with communication with your slave.

For example if an owner decided they will pick out all clothes worn out in public for their slave then you must be prepared to actually do that. Sure on occasion a pick it yourself is fine but if it goes from always picking the outfit to the point your slave has no clue if you are going to pick it out, let her decide and especially get annoyed by her asking then that will cause anxiety and stress for the slave and that is a problem.

Punishment: This should be very self explanatory. An owner has to punish both causes and what the punishment is in a consistent manner. If we all had a dime each time a submissive complained about this area being inconsistent and the troubles it caused there would be no talk of any recession. Strict obedience is not natural. If you have set up a life that requires strict obedience there are some things that are just required and one of those is to be consistent in dealing with infractions. A slave needs to know the punishment will happen if they commit a punishable thing. It is strong motivation and, get this, a strong showing the owner cares about us and the dynamic. To not punish consistently again causes stress and anxiety in a slave that will hurt their obedience and cause issues in general.

Our attitude as a slave: Look we are human beings and going to get tired, be moody and have temporary feelings that are sometimes not how awesome our owner is. At the same time though it is critical not to let these types of things overwhelm our service to our owner(s). Both roles feed off the other and to be inconsistent with our attitude about our role and dedication to the dynamic so for our owner to have to read or feel your acceptance/happiness is not consistent but more randomly based will hurt the dynamic greatly. There are two distinct different vibes of being obedient just because and being obedient because we accept it and want to do it for our other.

Being used in acts of domination/discipline: I wrote here, and have and will in many other places, submissive personality and being strictly obedient from submission on a slave level is two different things and submission and domination are two very different things as well.

Following rules and rituals, doing things that we know please our owner and doing all the normal day to day things assigned to us by our owner is not domination. For submissive personalities like mine that is going to be standard behavior and not keep me in the submission level I need and desire to live as a slave. I can do those types of things in any relationship. I am going to go to the proper level to be strictly obedient and thrive by the feeling of being dominated by my owner. These are direct acts by my Master. I am talking about all the kinks, punishments and direct in the moment orders. These are the things that draw people with submissive personalities to power exchange relationships.

Consistency is important because these acts have various affects and shelf life on a slave like me. This is why for example the maintenance spanking in Domestic Discipline is often critical in those types of relationships. You can read beautiful descriptions in blog after blog about a person struggling and in desperate need of discipline. Without consistency in these things makes a submissive go on a roller coaster of emotions that is just not good. This is why you will often see the common expression from a slave that they need to be used frequently. It is not out of selfish pleasure.

Show you care about the other: This dynamic can be so well setup that often we are getting a lot of intimate moments of some type. But that consistency can also help lose just how special and personal our feelings are to our beloved other and we all adore expressions of love from our other in a way that is appreciated by them and often have at least some separation from the usual day to day things. We need to consistency show our love for the other and our devotion to the dynamic to help reassure and inspire our other. They do not have to be big things and often just words but something that steps us out of our regular world to remind the other just how great we feel about them and the life we are living.

Consistency is not a tough thing to comprehend but applying it and making sure all important aspects in our relationships can be difficult. Life in general tends to want to dominate our time and emotions. Keeping focus on being consistent will help that fight while being inconsistent will help wash away a power exchange dynamic.

Foundation: Part Two-Atmosphere

I moan and roll my eyes every time people start listing qualities of a good dominant/submissive or what is the foundation of power exchange relationships. The reason why the list is always qualities that are important in any good person or in any good relationship like trust, honesty and communication.

This is not that. I believe there are four important qualities that are critical to highlight as they are ones that get more emphasized in power exchange relationships. The reason being not that they are more important compared to other relationship dynamics but they are more radically different or require more conscious knowledge and effort then in other dynamic types.

To me there are four: Structure, Atmosphere, Consistency and Passion.

I want to write about them in four separate posts. So this post is dedicated to:

Part Two: Atmosphere

This is my number one issue to talk about, promote and to often blame for when people talk about the root of a power exchange problem. I am fierce believer that without a proper atmosphere any power exchange relationship in the total 24/7 is doomed. If I could speak in front of every new person about power exchange and could only discuss one thing it would be this topic. If I type another repetitive thing about my love of this topic you will probably stop reading. Are you in fact still reading?

What is atmosphere to the relationship?

It is the vibe of the relationship. It is what each person is giving off through their actions and personalities that form a large part of what we are feeling for our other and life in general.

Look at it this way, two people sniping at each other all day long sit down to dinner. Lowering the lights and lighting some candles is not going to change their mood to a loving romantic one. But what about a couple that all during the day are staring at each other making their hearts go pitter patter and exchanging kisses all day the odds are lowering the lights and lighting candles that any if anything needs to be done to turn it into a romantic atmosphere.

Another example of atmosphere and its overall effect on how it affects us is when we spend time with a person like a friend or family member. Spend time with a person(s) that are very negative and in a really bad mood and see if your leave them you are in a good mood and vice versa.

What is a power exchange atmosphere?

Quite simply it is an atmosphere that makes the dominant feel more free and more dominant and for a slave to feel more submissive.

As I have written in this blog many times and will forever continue to do so the level of total power exchange is not a natural level. Just a dominant and submissive personality even the more extreme does not automatically put you at the level people strive for in total power exchange.

In the end these are relationships and the real world like every other relationship. A huge percent of our life is not drastically different just because we are now a Master or a slave. People go off to work, have social interactions, family responsibilities and on and on. To rely on “natural” way of going through life is going to create a atmosphere that is not conducive to a severe power exchange dynamic.

The things done to create the right atmosphere

Atmosphere is created by how we want to live this life then designing and acting the way to make that actually happen and especially to feel and taste it happening. It is created in our daily habits and routines along with our personalities and how we relate to each other.

So the goal to create the atmosphere that is wanted is to form these habits and routines to make us feel more submissive and dominant. We in general cannot change our personalities and how we relate to each other on the base level but when we acts of domination occur a submissive is going to go to a deeper level of submission and a dominant should feel more dominant and more relaxed about letting it out.

But just depending on acts of domination would result in a roller coaster effect with the atmosphere and that is not a goal of anyone. What can be changed with thought and effort is the habits and routines of are daily life and interactions with our others. How those often get changed and stay consistent is through the use of rules and rituals.

Now many people balk or let ego’s run amok often because of a cool factor principle. One of a cyber theorist’s ultimate cool factors is to promote one rule “obey” and everything else is for people playing and silly. Those people are the ones actually playing. They are dooming their relationships with a lack of proper atmosphere and probably most importantly inconsistency in the dynamic.

Many also balk because of fear of rules and rituals dominating their life by volume or some they have had just seemed stupid. That is because they were not thought about and implemented the right way.

Any rule and ritual should benefit at least one person in the relationship. It should make a dominant feel more dominant a submissive more submissive or both. They can also just be about enjoyment for one especially a dominant. When rules and rituals are done with this thought in mind they enhance the dynamic and help give positive energy. Often people who have bad experiences with rules and rituals it is because they were created on whims and ideas in the head of what a Power exchange relationship should have and not what works best for the two people. This will often cause friction and drain energy.

Example of a Ritual in a reality way from my life

Whenever Master or I come home when the other is there if it has been hours like for work for example, I greet him by kneeling and bowing while saying something to convey love and duty for him or other things that might pop in my mind like “I love you Master and I am here to serve you”.


Now both of us are past the stage and more our natural personalities to get teary eyed emotional every time we see each other and often the result of this action if seen through an independent observer would see two people going through the motions and occasional laughter if on of us comes up with something a little too corny in our exchange. But the point of the ritual and the benefit it gives us is not about obtaining a deep emotional connection then and there. The point of the ritual and why it works for both of us because it helps break regular life where one of us has been for hours and to recognize hey do not let regular life lose track of your dynamic in this relationship.

It really is no different from a couple that has to have a hug and a kiss when meeting each other after work. They are creating their atmosphere with that as well.

Why is this more emphasized in power exchange relationships then others?

Because between our personalities, how our family atmosphere was like growing up and spending time in many other people’s homes our habits and rituals have come predisposed in us for a regular relationship. Even with that many couples created their own rituals and rules that they may not realize but help create the atmosphere in their home.

Why it is important to emphasize when in a power exchange relationship is because you are not shooting to recreate a regular dynamic and are trying to create a power exchange dynamic. Natural will not cut it if you want a severe power exchange dynamic because that is not natural despite the cyber theorists and cool factor people. It takes its own rules and rituals to create habits and feelings and with thought and communication they really can help tremendously create an atmosphere of your desires.

Foundation: Part One-Structure

I moan and roll my eyes every time people start listing qualities of a good dominant/submissive or what is the foundation of power exchange relationships. The reason why the list is always qualities that are important in any good person or in any good relationship like trust, honesty and communication.

This is not that. I believe there are four important qualities that are critical to highlight as they are ones that get more emphasized in power exchange relationships. The reason being not that they are more important compared to other relationship dynamics but they are more radically different or require more conscious knowledge and effort then in other dynamic types.

To me there are four: Structure, Atmosphere, Consistency and Passion.

I want to write about them in four separate posts. So this post is dedicated to:

Part One: Structure

Structure is critical to focus on from the simple fact it probably is the biggest tangible change that occurs when we enter into a power exchange relationship.

Structure gives us the boundaries of the relationship. Without boundaries creates uncertainty. Uncertainty leads to anxiety and stress. Anxiety and stress turns us to the dark side and causes our true love to die for no actual medical cause and to name our daughter Leah which had to be torture for her in school. Ok, I may have taken the last thing a couple of steps too far but you get my point. Structure helps us contain many negative thoughts and questions that feed of the fear of the unknown.

What is structure to a power exchange relationship?

Well to me there are two types; the overall and handbook. Overall this is the big picture agreement and the baseline to keep focus on. Some might call it a mission statement. The handbook is more about how things are going to work in order to live like the overall goal is.

The overall in the power exchange is the great debate of how much power, control and impact the relationship will have on the two people. All relationships have a structure to them but are almost always not really firmly established. When couples talk about where they want to live, how they want to live, how to raise children and things of that nature. That is what is also being done when two people seek out a power exchange relationship. Two people are discussing how they want to live in general theories as well.

The handbook type structure is setting up the structure of how to turn the overall structure of the power exchange into the actual day to day part. Again all relationships have structure like this in them. Take any regular couple and even if not verbally discussed and agreed on the structure is there. Take if a couple want to have as nice as home as possible, nice cars and save money. So basically they want to earn as much money as they can. This dictates that their handbook structure is both of them will not only work but both will probably establish careers. But there is also more detailed structure as most if not all couples settle into routines for many things in life.


This is the same thing that happens with handbook structure with power exchange. Structure is set up that gives us how we are going to live in the day to day life. It is giving the slave duties and responsibilities specifically. It is things that may or may not be discussed about just like regular couples. Take punishments for example. Probably most of us did not talk specifically how an infraction would be punished or what type was how severe. But after being together for awhile a pattern should emerge and that pattern is in fact structure in the relationship.

The reason why this structure is important and why one of my key foundation points is because this can be highly flexible and it is important that once the two people start fitting together it is important that structure in this area is more firm then regular handbook structure.

The positive effect of having a well thought out, discussed and agreed upon structure

This goes back to eliminating uncertainty from the relationship between the two people. With good structure both people can focus on life, including the power exchange specific things, and not wondering where this is going or why this was done things. It allows a dominant to not worry about surprising their slave or a slave wondering what is next. What ifs do not come out of the blue but feel more natural because structure has addressed things.

Does this mean every couple needs to have set up some massive amount of detail about everything that goes on in their life and how they are dealt with?

No I am not talking about some detail instructions of what is to be done with this or that and whether it should be written down, directly communicated ahead of time or talked to death in detail whenever something comes up.

I am talking about addressing the big picture in a rational way so both are on the same page and more importantly have clear communication in the specifics so both people know what to expect both in general and in day to day life in order to eliminate uncertainty in the area of how we live.

For example, from a slave’s standpoint it is much easier and relaxing to know my Master from the start told me he was not going to pick out individual outfits for me to wear but he would be active in this area. Master gave me a guideline of what to wear and informed me he could at times pick something out or make me change type statements. This gives me structure that in this area of my life I have an understanding with my Master that he wants overall control but does not want to be bothered with the details but he still can if he wants. It gives me structure in this area so I am not lunging at unknown expectations.

This is not about details. A Master if they want can make the guidelines as detailed or generic as they want. The important factor is this area has communicated expectations.

What is the affect of poor structure?

I want to use the clothes example to show poor structure.

Now say as a couple in a severe power exchange relationship which what a slave is to wear is a basic assumed right of a dominant to have power over if they choose. But what if nothing was really communicated and maybe a dominant makes comments here or there. Maybe the dominant chooses things some days or days in a row and then does nothing and what if their tastes change but it is over time and not communicated because that is something that blends in over time.

In a situation like this a slave is left guessing at what their owner wants. Does the owner actually have strong preferences, is it just a whim here and there and does he even care or does things because it looks like the slave cares. This lack of structure will cause the slave to struggle from the uncertainty. The slave will become indecisive and end up asking a lot of how do you like this or what would you like me to wear questions often when an owner could really care less. An owner is going to get annoyed by questions about things they are not caring about or become concern that their slave seems to be having difficulties.

Structure set the boundaries up so no one goes out of control

Structure is important to deal with expectations and uncertainty. Structure does not have to be rigidly discussed on everything; it can change over time whether naturally or in clear communication and it is not about detail. But structure is important to have in all areas that the power dynamic is active in and that expectations are known and to minimalize the anxiety of the unknown.

Common Mistakes Made by Submissives

Here is a list in no particular order or relevance, which is to say some of these things can torpedo a relationship, some might not and some depends on the individuals in the relationship.

This is not meant to rip my fellow submissives in order to feel better about me. I wrote Common Mistakes Made by Dominants as my previous post. These are things I did once, been told directly to me and many things communicated by dominants in local communities, message boards, blogs and on and on.

1) This life cannot keep you 24/7 lost in warm fluffies.

I see this unfortunately too often with a percent of women on a whole and a much higher percentage with my fellow submissives. At some point in their life they have gotten into the belief that love means feeling those warm fluffies 24/7 like often in the infatuation stage of new love where that other just could not be possible more perfect and can do no wrong. But of course we all do come off that high and for the ones who then enter into a long term loving relationship we feel that often but not 24/7 nor do we expect it or chase it.

Unfortunately there are women who feel that is what love is always suppose to feel like and when they lose that feeling that means the relationship must be going bad. With a power exchange life the added dimensions and the fact it might fit us the best can often make warm fuzzies last longer and/or be more consistent.

But to expect this feeling or chase it in the relationship constantly is setting the bar impossibly high. To expect your owner to get you there a lot let alone always keep you there is setting them up for failure and putting way too much pressure on them.

This life is like other relationships. Emotions will change and the regular world will factor into this greatly.

2) Do not do things to chase compliments and other validations.

It is important as a slave not to be overt in your actions in a selfish manner to get something from your other. It can be intoxicating to be so into your owner that their compliments are to be desired and cherished. But that is not what a power exchange relationship is about. When power exchange relationships work right they are suppose to free both people up to be comfortable in their skin and not feel pressured by the other.

When you start doing things on the fuel of getting that compliment it is sabotaging the power dynamic. You are now making the act conditional. I do this for this and your other is now expected and to feel pressure to make sure they compliment you when you are expecting it.

We do things for our other from regular to special out of love and to show and prove our devotion to them and the dynamic we have agreed to live in. We do not do things to get immediate positive feedback. I am sure you are like me and hope to get compliments from my other, hopefully regularly, but it is not even a fine line but a grand canyon to do things without expectations and doing things with specific and immediate expectations.

3) Your other is a human being and as a human being they will screw up.

I know your owner is about as perfect as one can be. Heck my Master I think is so awesome I would swear his shit does not stink if I did not have first hand knowledge to know better. But of course we all do know they are not perfect. But sometimes some submissives expect them to be perfect when it comes to the power exchange dynamic.

Well they are not. Early on in a relationship or potential relationship expect them to do something or say something stupid or just bad that dents trust. But depending on how big of a dent do not get carried away and toss them aside for one bump.

In a relationship expect your owner to screw up in the dynamic. They are going to go long stretches of not doing acts of dominations, lose tract of you needing discipline and not make or show attitude about you asking about decisions they normally always make. They will be sometimes inconsistent in how and if they punish on things and on and on.

You have to live out the exceptions and if patterns emerge that will cause you problems then you have to then bring it up in a serious conversation.

4) Along with #3 your owner will punish you at times for things you do not think deserved to be punished and/or the punishment you do not think fits the infraction. You have to deal with it and not let it affect you.


When punished or the type of punishment is not deserved in your eyes or is to severe sometimes, and it probably happens to a lot of us, we can get frustrated, resentful and even angry about it. For some submissives though they go too far and think trust and other critical words have taken a hit. The fact is when this happens as long as it is not more times then not this is simply a difference of opinion or someone is wrong. But in the end who is wrong is irrelevant and only does harm to the relationship.

When faced with this it is important to sort through your emotions by dealing with it rationally. First set your feelings aside and focus on putting yourself in their place to try to understand. Maybe you will change your mind when you see it from their side when less emotional. If in the end you truly feel you did not deserve punishment or a lesser one then that is fine but not fine to get on your high horse. Instead take your punishment like a mature adult. Focus on the punishment like an order and an opportunity to show your love and devotion to your other.

Hopefully if the contested infraction is something more then very minor you have an owner who talks things over first before punishment. When you talk you have explained your thoughts. Most owners, and specifically good ones, want or demand their slave to speak up for herself while still being obedient.

5) You are in a relationship not on some amusement park ride.

I have seen too many submissives that treat their relationship as something that is suppose to be some ride with an unknown finish when it comes to the power and kink actions. The problem is that they are relationships with a person not an activities director. You enter into a long term relationship you have to enter it accepting the person for who they are and not that they are an accessory to your journey.

Some submissives forget about the mundane and routine parts of their relationship and become too focused on the kink and power aspects. It is unfortunate but I have seen and heard submissives eventually torpedo a healthy relationship because they have stopped growing in giving up more power or expanding things done and how far those things are done and, that their owner has some of obligation to push them as far as they can go.

These are relationships and compatibility in many areas has to be there to make it work including kinks and power for many of us. But in the end power exchange for a submissive is about serving your owner and being obedient. It is not about how wide and how deep the kink experience will be because no matter if this is indulged, it is something that cannot be kept up.

6) Your dominant cannot transform you into something you are not or something you can be without your active participation.

This is pretty much an amendment to the age old problem some people have of the “I will be happy if I find the right other.”

The problem is though most of these people have issues that another cannot fix. Submissives are like this but now have thrown power exchange into the mix and often find this mixture as a nice dream that they will be transformed into a better and far happier person. This can lead to when meeting someone to more role play this relationship then truly live it. They become an actor starring in their life that is impossible to keep up.

Now people can change and transform a little. A dominant can be a large part of this. But this has nothing to do with power exchange. A person with their own effort and the right kind of help is the only way to change for the better. It is not your other being a dominant that is the key if it happens. It is because they are the right person. That right person could also very well be a family member, dear friend or a professional in mental health.

There are of course more and maybe that will be for part two at some point.

Common Mistakes and Myths by Dominants

Here is a list in no particular order or relevance, which is to say some of these things can torpedo a relationship, some might not and some depends on the individuals in the relationship.

This is not meant to rip dominants as I will surely write “Common Mistakes Made by Slaves”. These are things I have endured, been told directly to me and many things communicated by dominants in local communities, message boards, blogs and on and on.

1) A slave who has to communicate what is wrong or what they need too much let alone always is a problem as their owner is using the “communication” value too literally and it has become a crutch for being lazy and/or selfish.

First, of course good communication is essential and a slave who cannot ever or not enough communicate problems or needs to their owner is shame on them. Second, nobody is a mind reader including owners.

On the other hand often owners complain and preach to anyone who will listen the problem and solution of when they hear a submissive complain about their dominant not doing this or no doing that, is to shred a submissive for just not telling them or their dominant.

The reality is there has to be a middle ground. By definition and basic compatibility 101 a dominant is a leader (proactive) and a submissive is a follower (reactive). The reality is if a submissive has to come to their dominant so much with things the dominant has become the reactor to the submissive becoming the leader.

Owners always need to put effort into being proactive with their slave’s mood, body language and what is going on in their life. Owners need to keep track the last time they played with or disciplined their slave and need to see if their slave is struggling and ask them what is wrong.

2) A dominants order or pleasure is not some magical thing that makes a submissive do something if they are having problems with that order from rational thoughts to just feelings and any combination.

Human beings are simply more complicated then that. If a slave is having difficulty with something never think or communicate that telling them should solve the problem. Obviously if a slave is struggling with the order they got that you want this aspect. A large part of overcoming the struggle and doing the order will be knowing this is what their owner wants and for them to do it for their owner and to show their love, devotion and dedication to the dynamic.

Human beings are not computers and logic and feelings do not have to work together. This is true from following orders to simple things. For example, ordering your slave to speak up about problems will not make that easier for them to do so if they struggle in doing it.

3) Slaves are not thoroughbreds but more along the lines of plow horses. We do not like or handle it very well to be used/actively endure domination from our owner in various ways especially physically in a random and sporadic way.

Slaves need to be used. It feeds us and gives us those deeper submissives feelings which frees us and makes us the most happy. Often dominants lose track of how consistent they have been with their slave in this area when the regular world does in fact dominate our lives.

Another problem is the common human inclination that we think everyone is like us. Some dominants often think out of caring or concern to back off things at times or even worse overall that make their slave suffer is a nice thing. This is actually a very bad thing. A slave is wired to be used as a slave. It makes us happy and gives us energy. Neglect in this area zaps us of submissive energy and causes anxiety and frustration.

Slaves are not like dominants. Our suffering in the moment brings us energy and happiness afterwards that can last exponentially longer then the suffering was for.

4) Like #3, just because we have submissive personalities does not mean deep submission like a slave needs to have is even remotely natural.

A person with a deeply submissive personality will often naturally put their other first. We will dress and do our hair in a way that pleases. We will enjoy on occasion blowing you when you are watching a game. We will put out how and when our other wants. We will try to cook meals that our other likes. But these will be done normally on our own inclination and when we think about it.

A slave though who is being used and has a well designed rule, ritual and routine discipline goes to a whole new level of submission that most dominants are truly after. We need to dress and do our hair in the way our owner likes. We will drop anything and run to you to give you a blow job during a game with joy and spring in our step. We will obsess over cooking meals that our owner will enjoy.

5) Semantics do not overrule logic and feelings

Too often dominants think words can overrule a slave’s brain and this not only is wrong but tends to make dominants look foolish to their slaves.

One of the classic examples I have seen time and time again is when a slave is in bad shape of a discipline session and got up the nerve to ask. Like it or not most slaves will feel they have just topped from the bottom. Often, dominants love to deflect this by saying it is still up to them when the discipline session will happen so they still have all the control. Sorry that does not cut it.

No matter if it is two hours, two days or even two weeks later the next discipline session the slave will worry it is only being done because they asked for it. Might not mean they will not get what they need out of it but the full impact and no worries will not happen no matter what the owner says.

Often dominants can try to tweak things using word play or stall games. This can have a negative impact on things. Slaves like certainty and despise uncertainty. Word games create uncertainty.

6) Dominants who think the one need of a slave is to obey and make their owner life easier and more pleasurable trumps all other needs and makes those needs a very distant second or not needs at all.

This belief is unfortunately in my experience way too common even if it still is a minority opinion. Slaves are human beings just like all other human beings. Are needs and strong desires cannot be taken away or sacrificed because of a bigger need or stronger desire. Just because we will obsess over our owner as our primary need will not make other things in our life become irrelevant.

7) When in a long term relationship the mundane day to day things done for the home or specifically our Master will not always bring us direct happiness.

Shocking I know to all the cyber theorists out there but cleaning the master bathroom into the hundreds will rarely have me so happy I am bouncing off the walls. Cooking a routine meal on a typical Tuesday night will probably not make me wet and my nipples hard.

Now I am not even remotely saying that keeping a good home and taking pride in doing these types of tasks on a daily basis are not done with great pride and bring an overall happiness in terms of this pleases our owner because for me and many other it certainly does. I am just saying doing the laundry my feelings for it will probably be based on other things then directly doing the laundry.

The problem that this can often cause is a dominant can lose touch that their slave might need more enjoyment in her life then mundane day to day chores because the owner think this should make their slave perfectly happy to do them. That happy has a different meaning.

I am sure there are more but that can be for later and a part two. I will focus on slave mistakes and myths sometime soon to show I am not just out to pick on dominants. ;)

Quick guide to female bisexuality

I am not going for deep theoretical discussion with this post. I am just going to delve into the wide variety of situations and debunk some common stereotypes or thoughts from the men out there! Also some things typed will be basic widely known information to many or obviously things that are personal opinion based on my brain and experiences. Also, I am only discussing female bisexuality and if I write bisexuality I am not inferring both female and male.

What is the scope of bisexuality?

Basically a woman might call themselves bisexual anywhere from being attractive and enjoying certain sexual things when the stars align just right to a woman who can form complete monogamous long term relationship with another woman.

Some believe any woman willing to have or has some type of same sex type sexual experience makes one bisexual. I believe there are many women who can have an open mind and do something sexual with another women but with no attraction and no enjoyment from the direct experience. I think many women agree to a MFF threesome after getting hounded by their male other often can be like this. Trust me, I have been with women who I just wanted to grab them and go “why are you here?”

For reference what am I?

I can form complete relationships with a woman but cannot for long term as I have found I need a male. I believe for me this is more about my culture and ideal dreams of life then having anything to do with having to have a cock penetrate me.

Is it true that most women are bisexual and some just do not know it?

No, that is absurd. This misconception comes from three things I believe.

1) Some strange wishful thinking from men.
2) Women will comment on other women about their looks and sexiness which can make it appear they are commenting on I would “do her” or “not do her”.
3) Cool factor: I think for younger non married women it can appear to be cool to hint at least “experimenting” with other women.

Look at it this way; if you got an accurate poll at a male prison you would probably have a high percentage of MM sex. You would not be very smart to conclude that most men are bisexual.

Ok I may not believe that but surely there are more women prone to be bisexual then men?

I do not doubt for a second that a much higher percentage of women have experienced sex with their same gender then men but I just doubt seriously that the science of the human body that somehow that gene is that much more prevalent in women then men.

I look at it this way that a person’s willingness to seek out and try same sex experiences is not just about their DNA but about also overcoming social stigma and harsh judgment. There is a double standard in society as men get zero breaks on this issue but often women not only can get some breaks sometime but can add to their coolness. It is unfortunate but it has been my experience that people form a very different opinion of women whether she has a complete relationship with one or just fools around with one. Men unfortunately if it is found out they have had sex with other men they are thought as being totally homosexual and not to be trusted by their woman.

Do bisexual women find other women attractive the same ways as men find women attractive?

Yes and no. Certainly I find a woman’s physical appearance to be very attractive, hence, why I take the time to collect pictures to put in my posts to keep the men more interested.

But no, for me personally I do not go around and notice first thing how attractive this woman is or not. I also it seems to me clearly need more then looks for my horniness for a woman to kick in. I would have to have a nice feeling for them as a person and they also have to exude sexiness more then basic physical looks on a higher level then most men in my experience.

Couple of examples, most men would want Nicole Kidman over Helen Mirren but to me Nicole Kidman has zero sexiness and Helen Mirren oozes sexiness. No matter how hot Angelina Jolie is and how incredible she would be in bed guessing by her personality, I would not touch her. I though imagine I would enjoy a fling with Ellen Degeneres very much.

Let’s end on discussing some of the common myths.

Common myths of bisexuality:

1) If you and a friend are both bisexual that means you have probably slept with each other.

Sorry, that should never be assumed. Now if a woman is with three friends and they are all bisexual and single the odds are she probably has slept with one of them. ;)

2) If you are bisexual that means you should be open to a poly relationship.

That is a huge no and about 50% of all dominants who dream of two plus female harem tries to promote this stupid concept. Relationships are about hearts and most people regardless of their sexuality do not share hearts.

3) Being bisexual means you need to have sex with both genders to be fulfilled.

Wrong again all those trying to get your woman to do a threesome! I have a monogamous sex brain. When my heart is taken by someone they are the only one I desire to have sex with on my own accord. I can fantasize and dream but I do not get hungry for what I am not getting if I am only with one gender.

4) If you are bisexual you probably love threesomes.

I have been in many threesomes in my life. They ranged from great to horrible. In an all things being equal situation with no heart strings factored into it but just good old fashion sex I would always choose one person over a threesome. There is just so many issues going on in a threesome that often is just not very relaxing which produces the best sex in my opinion.

So there is some little insight on how one woman who is bisexual sees things. Sorry to all those thinking when two bisexual friends get together our clothes automatically fall off or being with us means bring on the threesomes. ;)

Cool Factor: Forgetting what really matters

I use the term “cool factor” often when I see two things. People who think or often believe others think that there is a scale of what is better/more desired in power exchange relationships. The classic example of this is the old perception of a slave is preferred/better then a submissive who is better then a bottom. The other is when people defend themselves and judge others when they think those others doing something that they cannot, do not want or have a limit on so they need to admonish these people because the person now feels less cool. An example of this is a person writing about an activity being too dangerous to do all the while they do things that are easily equally if not more dangerous.

But I wanted to write today is not putting people down when they come down with cool factor disease but to communicate just how often we can get lost in chasing our perception of cool. We can often forget the only thing that matters is what the best fit is for us and working with our other or finding someone compatible.

Let me use the example of slave is “cooler” and preferred or a goal over a submissive.

Wishing and thinking does not always translate to the right fit

Now if I had $1,000 for every time I talked to a dominant who had little or none 24/7 experience who expressed they wanted a slave or a submissive with slave like tendencies I would have some serious coin. Now as a long time 24/7 total power exchange slave I have learned to notice and ask questions specifically to figure out how much thought and ability do these people have to actually keep a slave like me content. Often the only thought they have had is they want control when they want it or more then they have had in the past. All good, but the more control the more effort a dominant is required to put into the power exchange dynamic.

So sure it sounds cool to a dominant to want a slave so what, how and whenever thoughts can be indulged but little is thought about how a slave is actually wired. Often dominants with little or no experience in 24/7 TPE (total power exchange) fail to just comprehend how differently a slave is often tend to be wired. A dominant in a 24/7 relationship pretty much has to be an active leader nearly all the time. That takes a mindset that is often going to be felt more like work and that is no good for any type of relationship.

You will read time and time again from slaves the following in some forms: I want my owner to be concerned about my overall happiness in the relationship but cannot stand them making decisions in the moment only for my happiness or asking me too often what I want or how this was.

This is not an easy thing for a dominant to deal with and pretty much must be in your character or not. But for most of us slaves this is vital. Because for us to live and flourish in a 24/7 atmosphere we need consistency and not just switch on slave mode when called upon.

I will give you the traditional example I normally use. When picking where to go out to eat. As a slave I do not want to have a debate or ever think we are only going there just because my Master thinks I am expecting to go a certain place. I expect him to know my preferences and to factor them in when he wants to go to a place I particularly want to go or this time does not care himself. I want a Master who may or may not ask my opinion sometimes before choosing but just factors in the opinion not as a request.

Now imagine these types of thoughts going on in pretty much everything. It is responsibility and effort. Having a 24/7 slave is not about taking a human being and molding the aspects you want and tossing the rest aside. Does not work that way and often many dominants who think they want a 24/7 slave would be far better off in a different power exchange dynamic.

Checklist progression mirage

Now let us look at an example of a potential slave and how too many often go about it. Often you will hear the term “explore” (crappy selfish term) and many submissives thinking that there is some sort of checklist to go through to transform into a slave. Often they start out experiencing bottom type activities to see if they enjoy certain things. Then they wander in submissive situations which are just bottom things not done on their own time table and specifics. Then they try things here or there until they “progress” into 24/7. Also, most of the time they are trying to be with the person who they think will be their one. The key thing I am relating is that often people think these are steps to an end destination when that is not really how it is.

Now some reading what I just wrote will go that is how I did it and it worked great for me. I do understand this. My point is not that this was a person’s progression but people think these are actual steps and they need to be done in order to be the best, a 24/7 TPE slave. The things done in this life can have connections and can be totally separate.

You can be 24/7 TPE slave and not ever have to do a kinky bottom thing ever. So if the first time you get tied up or have some pain inflicted you react horribly that does not mean you are not born to be a great slave for someone. You can completely give over all power in the bedroom to your other and not have any desire to give up any power anywhere else. You can enjoy serving your other in everything but insist not during the daytime but only at night.

These different dynamics are about mind sets. They are all different and one does not build on top of another. Before your first munch or first potential date something inside you should know if giving power over appeals to you and some clue as to how much. You may be right or wrong but not too far out of the ballpark.

Why is this about “cool factor” again?

Because often people in this life trade one set of societal values that people have assigned Ok, good, better and best to and exchange it for the cool factor values of the power exchange life. Dominants wanting slaves because they think that would be better and submissive people trying to become slaves because that sounds cooler then bedroom bottom.

This leads to the mistake of forgetting what really is important and that is finding our other and living in the dynamic that suits us best. Instead we cloud up our lives and relationships chasing destinations that might not be destinations that suit us. That we compete against other people we know or read about and think there is some competition out there as to who has the perfect power exchange relationship. These thoughts then lead to having to bash other’s because if they have passed you on the mythical cool chart then they must be taken down as doing stuff that is horrific so all people see that the real mythical cool chart will ordain your relationship best.

There is a best type of relationship to shoot for as a destination

The best relationship is simple; it is a relationship that lets the people in it maximize their ability to be happy, feel and express love, and to feel free to be themselves. If children are to be brought into the picture then a warm and nurturing environment is important as well. There is not one relationship dynamic that is better then another. It is simply which dynamic is best for the people involved.

It is always a shame when people forget what really matters and search out destinations or compete against people or theories to base where they think their relationship is and not know and be happy with how it is without caring about others. It is a shame that competition in showing others how great we and our relationships are can be so prevalent that fuel for the cool factor to feed itself is never in danger of running out.