No Chance

Hang around in cyber, local communities or talk to enough dominants you will come across two theories in this life that it saddens me people often give thought and reflection to. 1) A dominant should not love their submissive/slave. 2) A dominant has to not need their slave as much as their salve needs them or they will be powerless.

Now probably most of you reading this go that is just stupid but still I am stunned just how many pause and give this thought especially new people into the life that often these confused dominants try to prey on.

Insecurity is a factor in this life

People do not like to talk about this and whenever I have brought up in the past especially in person or on a message board people will often line up to bash me but insecurity of the other leaving is a driving force behind power exchange relationships. Notice I did not say only, biggest or major but for most people this is a reason of some consequence.

From a dominant’s standpoint things like bowing, statements of devotion and seeing their submissive sacrifice for them goes into the feeding of the insecurity of look how much they care for me and therefore will not leave me. From a submissive’s all these things we do to please them and put them first goes into the feeding of our insecurity of them leaving us. That if we do these things and keep them happy they will not leave us.

No human does not have some insecurities and for most in power exchange the other leaving us is an insecurity that we share. But for those where it goes to becoming unhealthy, dangerous and unchecked is when people act on it in a severe and life controlling way. Dominants who obsess over needing the other less are dealing with unhealthy insecurity of have a big issue of not being able to handle well if the other person leaves them.

These can be very dangerous people at worse and at best are incredibly needy people which go for submissives as well if they are unhealthy about worrying their other will dump them.

What’s love got to do with it?

Most human beings want and need love in our relationships. But love and the ability to give it and accept it ranges greatly in human beings. We though as human beings often do not like to admit that to ourselves and when the more love express/needed person falls for someone they tend to assume that everyone is like them exactly and therefore if this person loves and cares for them they will respond in kind. But not all human beings are capable of loving or showing/giving it.


To ask most people, including people in this life, that love is a critical component in a successful and healthy long term relationship, but the truth is it is not a must have for some to have a successful and long term relationship. I am pretty sure we all know others who are in long term relationships that do not seem to be loving ones that the people seem perfectly fine with them. Whether an older couple that relies on one to take care of the other physically while the other takes care of them financially and for whatever reason these relationships do in fact exist.

The fact is love in a relationship and the need to feel and give it are compatibility things for two people. For some it has to ooze out of everything in the relationship and for some does not or cannot even be in their relationships. But for most of us including power exchange couples it is somewhere in between those two extremes and it is important for all couples that love is involved.

Regular relationship rules apply

One of the biggest mistakes many people make when they get into this life even when they have significant experience in it is to discount or think that because of the power exchange and how they fit it that human behavior and needs somehow become greatly different. That power exchange relationships transcend regular relationship dynamics because they are special! It is one of the fairytales of this life.

It is buying into this myth that is the cornerstone of the reasons and motivations of the most common mistakes in these relationships. That people, especially dominants, decide what they want whether overall or in the moment and then work there way back to a power exchange theory that supports it. This is what goes on when a dominant states that one should not love their slave. The truth is most dominants promoting that do not want an all encompassing relationship or have limited or no ability to give love to another.

This is the same thinking along the lines of a dominant stating one cannot get married to their slave. All that actually means is they do not want to get married for the usual reasons people do not want to get married and no power exchange special reason other than trying to fool themselves or their other that it is not a regular old human reason.

We can be compatible, not compatible, get fooled or get played

In the end we are either going to be on the same page, be the right fit and have the timing of all it right or we will not be. Power exchange cannot quench the thirst of an unhealthy insecurity, shore up perceived lack of character traits many want from another and protect oneself from slights of the past or fears of the future whether realistic or imaginary. A person may or may not need love in their relationship but no wishful theory in the world can get a person who needs it to be with one who cannot or will not give it.

No relationship has a chance if one is obsessed over who needs the other more and actually thinks that dictates what can go on in a power exchange relationship. People require at the minimal when in long term relationships is to feel the other one is deeply committed to the other through the thick and thin. For most but not all that includes love as a critical component and not obsessing over an insecurity or dealing with a person who makes us jump through that hoop.

How love and affection are expressed with sex

We rarely get more then the effort we put into things ourselves

I thought anybody who has read this blog or will stumble onto it in the future that I have probably bored people enough with before/searching for a power exchange relationship so I might inject some good old sex talk into it. After all the main motivation for me writing this thing is to express my thoughts that I cannot normally make in the politically correct/intolerant of conflicting thoughts world of the message board I participate in.

I kept starting and stopping in trying to plan out what I wanted to write then went to the fore mentioned message board and saw two threads that turned the old light bulb in my head. Which to say they got me pissed off. But first I will insert a link here to a post that is simply the most intelligent and for my money pitch perfect that I cannot really add to about a wife’s duties especially in sex. Please read this instead of anything I write. It is just flat out superior to anything I have ever read and especially anything I have or will ever write.

This post comes from a woman who writes about Domestic Discipline relationships but my opinion this is a healthy view for anyone in any type of relationship to have.

CLick here for the post

To sum up the two threads that I mentioned were basically the discussion how some study showed that men who did housework got more sex then those who did not and that the man needs to be responsible for their female enjoying/achieving orgasm during sex. The two pretty much unanimous answers on the housework one were of course the women will have more time and energy and reward based action. On the man’s responsibility to please his partner the answer was of course otherwise why would I submit to him if I did not get something out of it. I would like to point out these answers were from women who were in or wanting to be in power exchange relationships.

First a disclaimer, of course I know that men can do housework and that depending on the situation it might be a necessity or they might enjoy it. I also know that a person can get tired to the point of sex would be really tough to enjoy but the reality is that just is not very often and just more of a learned off the cuff excuse. Same thing with a man pleasing his woman, because a man is responsible, if wanting a power exchange relationship, that his other is happy in this aspect of her life. I just do not for one second think he should consider how good it was for her every single time he does something sexual with/to her.

When did it become acceptable in Western society that relationships operate under transactional motivations and emotional blackmail?


I ask this because this is what I see in Western relationships especially when it comes to sex. What ever happen to I have sex with the person I love and committed to because of those two things and not just what is in it for me?

We all see this in the movies and televisions played out constantly. Now I do not know if this is a chicken versus the egg discussion in terms of did the entertainment business learn from or teach this behavior. I see this all the time as perfectly acceptable behavior which I find appalling for both genders. I just think it is screwed up to ever think if a person wants to have sex with their partner they better do something out of the ordinary that is nice for the other person or always make sure it was good for the other. Love, commitment and marriage I thought was caring so much about the other person you want to be with them and make them happy and not what is in it for me every second of the day or decision to be made.

Doing something nice for the person we love should never be confused with doing something nice to get something!

Doing housework in order to get laid, get something or get out of something is not love. It is selfish behavior. Making sure every single time sex is involved you are concerned with if she achieved orgasm is not romantic or an expression of love it is some type of toll payment. Please insert quarters to move on.

Same thing on the female side, giving a “no strings” blow job, cooking a nice dinner or anything else that you do for “love” but always happens the same time you are wanting something or informing the other of a hassle is not love it is whoring your love out. Just even if you do put out when your husband wants and you bank it as a favor or think a high opinion of yourself for doing it.

That is why I will never not live a power exchange relationship. In a healthy power exchange relationship these transactional/conditional acts should no longer happen. When acts are done out of love, devotion and commitment to our agreed upon way of life then there is no need for them to be. So when expressing one’s love or doing something nice for the other person like unexpected housework it is pure not conditional. It truly is an act out of caring and love.

Sex is powerful and that should be respected

Society and even people in power exchange relationship just seem to live to downplay how important sex is in a relationship. In terms of judging one’s relationship in terms of how much and how great there is merit as a relationship is a lot more then two people fucking. But what gets lost in this message is that the simple fact is sex has an intimacy that nothing else comes close to in a relationship and therefore our expression of devotion and love for our other can often shines the brightest in this area. When I am talking sex I am including all types of physical affection. The holding of hands, cuddles on the couch, incessant kissing of each other and a bunch of other things.

Like it or not feelings for our other are reflected in this behavior. All couples feed each other in all types of relationships, even power exchange ones. How we feed our relationships can often show just how much devotion and commitment we have for our other. They also can be quite different between men and women.

Accepting men and women are different

Women like to be showed love by acts of kindness, acts that show us you are thinking about us and how we are feeling and the softer less purely sexual aspects of affection. The holding hands, cuddles and kissing for just kissing for example.

Men like to be shown love by actual actions in a grander theme. They see love when you make their favorite dinner, dress the way they like to see you and for them to think you could never get enough of their cock so anytime they want sex a smile is brought to your face or disappointment because of a very legit reason.

The problem comes in often that men and women refuse to accept and deal with how the other sex likes loved to be expressed. They start to resent when their view of how love is shown does not happen and fail to recognize and appreciate in the other person their natural way to express love. We then often decent into the transactional mode of getting what we want but it feels awful empty because often it is just that empty.

It is easy to point the finger on the other and go if only they would then I would. The reason is because there is a lot of truth to that thought. The reason is because we do feed off each other.

Love means effort and sacrifice

The simple answer is your relationship has a problem if one or neither never or not enough times expresses their love in the way the other appreciates it. Whenever anyone whether intentionally or not decides to forgo the effort to show the other in the way they are wired they are loved then there is trouble with mutual fault.

As a woman as this pertains to sex is making a conscious effort and realization that sex is not always about you, your satisfaction and if you are feeling it at the moment but understanding that sex and how you react to it a man judges how much you love them. Creating a warm bed and affection/sex is always welcomed when it can be falls upon a woman in the relationship. There are three choices, encourage it, discourage it or make it conditional/transactional. Many would like the encouragement but many often fall short in the effort and sacrifice to make that happen.

Why is this important? Because a man who feels loved by his woman will exponentially want to take care of them and this includes showing love in the way we enjoy it. Flowers will come randomly and not just on a holiday. They will want to take us out to dinner and not just do it to appease us.

Obviously there is no guarantee of getting back what you put in but at least you know what you have in your relationship and not some game of “you first” selfishness that got way out of hand.

What can be done on the woman’s end to create that feeling of love through sex

There are of course many many ways to make our man feel like we cannot get enough of them sexually so I will just point out some things I heard about or I do.

As a woman we need to understand not every sexual gesture or actual significant sex act has to be run through do I feel like it and/or this should be good for me. Please I am not saying a satisfying sex life is not a need/right on our end but understand these two concepts do not have to be mutually inclusive.

For example if he is feeling you up while snuggling on the couch but for whatever reason sex is not going to happen. Instead of pushing his hands away and making comments like “is that all you think about” why not just let him enjoy your body?

Make a fuss to be attractive to him. Now I am not talking about every single minute of every single day but if the only time it seems you as a woman make an effort to look nice is when other people see you other then your other that sends a bad signal. Try from many small things and occasional big things. Simple things like having a shirt all the way buttoned and when you see unbutton some or all of it for his pleasure. Whisper in his ear randomly about what nasty thing you want him to do to you. Grab his hand and place it on a naughty part at some random time. This is not about initiating sex but trying to show you want and like him to see you partly for the sexual being you are and he is the cause that brings it out in you.

I always make a conscious effort to try to give my Master an out of nowhere surprise no string blow job at least once a week. I literally start Monday off thinking at least once sometime this week I will try to surprise him in a situation where it is not naturally heading toward sex. This has nothing to do with sex or my oral fixation. As a slave he has the right to have sex with me and order me to give a no strings blow job at anytime he wants. What is being expressed is my love for him on his terms.

But the number one thing I learned and do is some advice my Mom gave to me. Now I am a slave and only have been in power exchange relationships when in serious relationships but I still have never been given any direct rules or rituals in how I go to bed with my Master. The advice is simple and old fashioned. She simply stated always present a warm bed for your other as the last thing you want on their mind for that day and the first thing the next morning is that you love and desire them.

So I have never gone to bed in anything other then something sexy or naked. I always try my best to be in bed before my Master and present myself with a warm smile and positions ranging from friendly to maximized dirty thoughts on his end. It makes no difference if we have sex, had sex before going to bed or if he just goes goodnight and get in and falls right to sleep. The image presented hopefully shows him I am lucky to have him share his bed with me, I love him and my body is at your disposal for your pleasure. It is attempted every night, if he has not had other ideas beforehand, regardless of the probability of sex so to never infer this for me wanting sex but just my expression of love for him.

In the end all of us can play the gender judgment game of what is right or wrong in how to express love but nothing is going to change. As a woman we must understand that how we are and treat our other sexually is extremely important to how they are going to feel about us. It is not about equal effort in the same things it is about equal effort in showing love on the other’s terms and not having a problem in doing so.