Fear of Subjugation

In the end the title of this entry is the base of every happy and loving Master/slave relationship. But for many of us who this wonderful relationship dynamic is the best fit for us and one we dream about to outright crave. But the fear of actually having the actions of such control, domination and enslavement or be enslaved for both roles is often our own personal thrown up road block that prevents us from having what we seem to desire so much.

Being paralyzed by either the fear of living a relationship dynamic so different then the ones we more commonly see or the fear of ignoring or being judged by traditional society values weighs so many down not only in being able to take the leap but being able to find the person to take the leap with. Now closing in on fifteen years in being involved in the life and most of that time living as a slave I have found this to be a cruel ironic fate that plagues the dynamic I am so fond and zealot about.

The fog of the fine line

My path in this life was one that slave does fit the best for me and always has. I am all about being in a severe power exchange relationship that is strongly sexual with kinky things. I doubt that would ever change. But what interests me when I seek out to reflect about my interests and learn more about myself and this type of dynamic has. I have ventured more and more away from the places where M/s is discussed and kinky things mentioned and I find myself more and more getting those needs met by going to places where taken in hand is openly discussed. Now again I am not meant for taken in hand nor do I like some of the rationale that some of the people into this dynamic use. But what draws me to spend more time reading about those relationships as opposed to Master/slave relationships how most embrace the subjugation of the woman that is getting more and more difficult to find in the BDSM/power exchange community.

I have always thought that it was some cruel joke how the people who embrace taken in hand and those who embrace Master/salve go about their mindset and hurdling their barrier to live the actual dynamic. In my opinion here are how the two groups go about communicating and stressing in their dynamic:

Taken in Hand – Most taken in hand people who openly discuss the life have little trouble with the concept of the man controlling his woman in an actual real and severe way. The word domination is rarely mentioned but the man controls the world in which the woman lives and he is the center of that world. It is rare to find a woman discussing her relationship or desire to be in one running away from being controlled and dominated but more often then not openly expressing their love for their man that does this to them or wanting to find such a man.

But at the same time they ignore, in denial or run away that in this world the female’s sexuality and openness to be their man’s personal sex dream of femininity and devotion to give him his perfect sex life is a big part of the relationship. They run away from how the punishment dynamic aspects and maintenance spankings are way more similar to kinky things and the turn on of the physical manifestation of the power (leadership) the man has over his woman.

Master/slave – Most in this life at the drop of the hat will talk about all the kinky things and sex stuff. In fact sometimes with passionate and veteran local community people you can get the impression that this life is just scenes. But most sprint from anything that power exchange of any significance outside of broad generic descriptions.

We as a group tend to hide from the control and domination that is there in actual Master/slave relationships. Sure we here the generic a slave “obeys” and “puts their masters desires above her own” but anything deeper is rarely talked about in any realistic or in depth fashion. Instead we get fantasy fiction of a slave of twenty years being giddy about doing laundry and every order and action is practically orgasmic. Men run from talking about the enjoyment and desires to control and dominate a woman they care for and replace it by trying to steal good qualities most strive for and all think they have and act like they are special and that is what a dominant is. Dominants instead of showing themselves as actual leaders with visions and passion for such a controlling dynamic instead act like they are life coaches and used car salesman promoting that heaven has been the destiny of all women that they have touched.

Rock and a hard place

To me this is where way too much of the public communication of M/s has ended up. We have two wrongs discussed in black and white and neither represents the reality of a Master/slave total power exchange relationship and the happiness and pleasure for those drawn to one feel. We have the devil promotion of look out for all the dangerous abusers and the mentally insane or not dealing with their issues that quote the definition of a slave out of a book or think a woman in the modern world can be really treated like chattel as the rock. Then as the hard space we have the men that describe a life of sheer perfection where the master knows all and everything he does is a benefit of his slave and slaves acting like they have never not done anything order by or done by their owner that was not a sheer joy to do.

But all of this is not reality in terms of day to day life. More importantly to this entry it is does not communicate anything that inspires and draws people into the life and for which I mean people already drawn to the life but for some reason not able to hurdle their own fears and try to go for a real Master/slave relationship. The communication of this life from the Internet, the learning of how to attract a top/bottom to do a scene in the local communities that is promoted as how “real” people in the life should do and be like and the fear mongers trying to scare everyone out there, we have made this life so uninspiring that it might have made it far more difficult to inspire someone to make the leap.

It is in a lot of my blog entries and is quite common in all forms of communication even the romantic fictional stuff but:

Dominant is a leader and leaders lead. Submissive is a follower who follows one they cherish and are inspired to.

But the communication of this life you can be hard pressed to feel many dominants as true leaders. Most come off as boring clichéd addicted and uninspiring beggars wanting a slave. Women who do have deep desires and a slave life would be so great seem so scared of actually admitting they are a follower and desire enslavement that it is tough to tell if they are trying to fool themselves or others.

This is at what the heart of my message in this blog. People drawn to Master/slave severe power relationships are actually drawn to actual subjugation which is actual things like control/being controlled, dominated/dominating and being enslaved by or lover/enslaving their lover. But between regular society pounding it into our heads that this is wrong and the local community addicts telling everyone this life should be just like negotiating with an acquaintance at a local dungeon to do a scene too many run away from communicating what attracts/draws us to wanting an M/s relationship in the first place. It is the far too common societal passive aggressive self inflicted mortal wound that prevents too many from the leap to find their other and live in an M/s dynamic relationship. The failure to leap is a problem with both roles and genders and not just one.

Taken in Hand shows not all are afraid of this type of communication

I do not agree with a lot of their justifications and they have plenty that communicate self esteem issues just like people in this life. But many are not afraid to embrace and talk on topics that may be sometimes light on powerful words like control and dominate but the communication is often way more direct and powerful in actual support of those words. But far too often people in the M/s life run away from those words. Control gets shot down by people sprinting toward not wanting “micromanagement”. Domination gets shot down by not wanting or being a doormat. Reality mixed with what inspires us to want an M/s dynamic relationship gets shout down by romantic dribble that this life can be a true fairytale experience.

Making the leap often will mean for many if the possibility of getting what they ache for out feels their fear of the unknown and societal judgment

The man who can come off as sane but dominant and has a vision for what they want in their life that is inspirational to a woman whose best destiny is living life as a slave can make a woman to take that leap. But unfortunately too many men choose to display their peacock feathers in ways that are simply uninspiring and often quite submissive in their communication. While adapting local community public protocol as “the way” or running away from words like control, domination and other strong vision inducing words they become quite submissive in their words and actions. The unfortunate byproduct of these dances is not to draw a woman to leap like they want but just the opposite and to repel them from leaping as the possibility of getting what they ache for seems like a long shot.

The woman that can come off as sane but deeply submissive and is not afraid of communication that can show this to prospective dominant can get exposed to far more dominants that will inspire them. Dominants are not super human or perfect human beings. They do not like being rejected or labeled a bad thing like anyone else. If they feel fear in expressing their true desires or think that is not the way to lure a woman then they will not do so and a woman will not get the rewards.

We can choose to dance in an honest and direct way or we can choose to dance in fear and misdirection. Those who choose the path of honest and direct from both genders are far more likely to find their special someone and live the dynamic they have probably dreamed about for a long time.

People that were meant for being a master or a slave in a severe power exchange relationship do not run away from words such as control, power, domination and enslavement but are drawn to and inspired to have them in their life.

Leap Part One: From our thoughts to real time

Far too usual of a story

I have this male dominant friend that I communicate with off and on. He wrote me about a month ago all excited about being in communication with this one potential submissive and asked me to look at her profile. I did just that and in fact was incredible how much they matched each other in the power exchange desires as they might have been literally identical in their desires and reasons. Plus just like him she had a very long profile with many journal entries that made her come off quite serious and sincere in her search. She had been active in her local community for six years and on the site for four.

Well two weeks later and many messages, IM’s and even two phone calls later he had to tell her he was no longer interested and was really hurt by the experience. What happen? Apparently while this woman in her profile and journal entries could espouse on power exchange it became clear to him she was never going to make a leap into it. According to him that even after six years of looking for the one to serve she had not even been met or been on one date with anyone that could be a possible Master including anyone in her local community. Apparently in direct communication clammed up and change topics when power exchange was brought up but could go on and on about types of play, local community’s events, national events and bottoming for demos or at play parties.

This dominant wrote her off as just another bottom with fake desires for power exchange. I argued very much he was wrong. Just from her words I read I saw a woman aching to be in a significant power exchange but was just too afraid to make the leap to actually pursue real time.

There is a big difference between being around the life and actively pursuing living the life.

Local communities can be great in many ways. Finding friends who you can talk about topics you cannot with others, learn about all the aspects of this giant tent and where you think you fit in, help overcome potential thoughts that what you crave is not screwed up but many perfectly healthy and happy people have and many other reasons. Hanging around reading/participating on websites has also great merit and can be invaluable to people.

But being involved in these things does not make someone living the life. It really is not even about exploration into the power exchange dynamic. After the basics are learned, friends met and figuring some basics out about yourself these activities are nothing more then just that, activities. They are not any different then joining a health club and end up making friends with the people when you work out together but all you do is get on a treadmill and walk then hit the juice bar. It does not make one fit or a health nut. All good things and in life we can never have too many friends but whether partaking in the social events a local community offer or spending hours instant messaging cyber friends in the life is that at some point it becomes no longer directly connected to actually getting into a real time power exchange. They are just activities and things to do to pass the time.

The reasons why people are afraid to make the leap:

People in general do not like to be out of their comfort zone. Let’s face it, whenever we try to merge two lives into one there are a lot of issues that arise and most of these come from being bumped out of our comfort zone. It is the comfortable knowledge and feelings of what we know versus the unknown which opens the possibility of greater pain in our thoughts. It is natural to be scared of the unknown.

It is the fear of rejection. Human beings often do bizarre things or at least act in irrational ways when rejection comes into the picture. Whether the fear of or actual rejection often people avoid it like the plague. No one has ever volunteered to be rejected and anytime there is an attempt to start up a relationship with someone rejection is a strong possibility. This natural hesitancy gets exponential treatment when some think about pursuing a power exchange relationship. Most people who gravitate toward a power exchange relationship are because they found regular relationships lacking or difficult for them. What happens if they try this way of life and it solves nothing for them just like regular relationship might have.

We like having an excuse for when people or we think people are wondering why you are not this or that. Many who think about pursuing the life fall into the trap of idealizing the life. It will solve all problems we have had in relationships. The other person will be a better person or more of what I am attracted to and wishing for that have no actual ties to power exchange. To pursue this life and find it not much different can cause one to have one less excuse why they are not in a good long term relationship.

The fact is pursuing something with a big goal it is just often easier and far safer to dream about it then to pursue and risking the consequences whether it is failure, a broken heart or not solving what we thought it would solve.

The false rationalizations that keeps someone from leaping

Here are some of the more common thoughts I have heard over the years and the myths behind them.

“When the right person comes around I will know it.” – None of us know that. Some may perpetuate that thought as an over romantic gesture when describing the person they love but reality does not work that way in regular life and certainly does not work in the power exchange life. People who use this as a reason they have not tried real time often treat others like people in sitcoms and point to mundane things or one sentence that could very well have been misconstrued and write them off. These people tend to fear change.

“I am exploring” – These are people unwilling to get out there and get rejected. These people often offer up the great double standard of the sexes in dating. The female wants casual but will only go out with a person who could be the one. So they are attracted to men wanting a serious relationship and know what they want because any man who expresses they are looking for casual gets blown off as a loser. But magically cannot find a man to be with because the serious dominant alpha men are not going to jump through her hoops when she cannot even convince herself that she truly wants to live a power exchange relationship. These people tend to be local community addicts. They have a lot of impact play experiences and probably have had a platonic mentor for some role play. They very well often have more physical experience then any dominant they are attracted to if they are looking for someone in their same age range.

“My submission is a precious gift” – These are the people who have taken the concept of power exchange relationship and have made it into a mythical fantasy land. They have taken what they would want out of life or cannot realistically get out of life and believe they can acquire it if they search within this life. They expect these relationships to transform themselves into far different and happier people and people desiring them to see them how others have not in the past. This is the person who has had a ton of hobbies but not one that stays, a person who changes jobs as a way to re-invent themselves, and thinks that now they are calling themselves a submissive or even dominant that the people who they were never able to attract will now be all over them. Unfortunately this is not reality and most of these people have gone down similar paths of the magical transformation journey and now find cyber dreams better then living life. These are the people often hanging out in the chat rooms and have instant messenger always on.

Only the one leaping can make the leap

I have no brilliant words how one can make the leap from thought to real time relationship. It simply falls into the category of quitting smoking, changing eating habits to lose weight, change jobs after being someplace a long time and many other examples. It simply takes willpower and effort combined with an open mind and the ability to handle set backs in a healthy way.

No one else can help a person make the leap. Not the mythical “the one”, friend in the life or anything else. The person has to do it for themselves. Others can help them get to the point but can not make the shove that divides the wishing to trying real life power exchange.

These are relationships just like all other relationships

Remember until it is pounded into your head. Repeat, these are relationships just like all other relationships. A first date is just like a first date in regular world. I do not care if we call these power exchange relationships and use terms like dominant and submissive or master and slave a person cannot make you do something you do not want to without your consent. If a person asks/orders you to do something you are not comfortable with when on the first or any early date and they take issue with the word no coming out of your mouth then they are the loser not you. Be grateful and move on.

Analyze the date just like you would any regular date. If the person bores you to tears a power exchange relationship will not fix that. If both of you have significantly different desires in important compatibility issues they will not go away because of the power dynamic being introduced. If you are not wanting to or are comfortable doing something or moving to another stage in the relationship then do not do so, and again, this should be respected.

Do not try to minimalize or think you have minimalized problems, fear of rejection or think you have bypassed real time spent by short cuts.

I do not care if the guy you like from your local community has women swooning over his skill with the flogger at public parties and demos. I do not care in front of a group of people he speaks like the perfect fit in power exchange thoughts with you. I do not care if his community friends swear he is a special guy. The moment you sit with him one on one on a date you are still starting from scratch and your judgment and desires are all that counts.

Same goes with finding a person on the Internet. I do not care how many Emails, instant messenger chats and minutes spent on the phone it took before you meet. When you sit down the first time that is when the clock starts to truly run. Do not confuse a tool to find a potential partner with the mirage that tool can somehow make the process less of a crap shoot that us human beings finding another is. The internet or local community is nothing more then a regular person going to a church social or bar hoping to meet someone to fall in love with. All they are expecting is to meet someone they like and think they might be compatible in a broad sense and go from there. They do not hang out in the church basement or bar for weeks and months until they are absolutely sure the other is the one only to find out there is quite a difference between them there and someplace else.

Remember these are relationships between two people. The dynamic will be different at some point whether sooner or later but how you meet, get to know and how you should feel and based decisions on does not ever change.

Conclusion and a somewhat apology

From the first thought, experience or stumble upon knowledge of power exchange relationships are real, possible and can be for you to actually sitting down face to face with your potential other requires effort and an open mind. The leap to be sitting in that chair next to the potential other can be difficult. It is hard because if it was easy everyone would be in a relationship. You will never find your prince or princess if you are not going to kiss any frogs. Put yourself out there and kiss as many frogs as needed to find the right one for you, otherwise you may end up with the only frog left over or no frog at all. I am here to tell you as just one person, real life power exchange relationship rocks compared to being alone in my home thinking about what if.

To all those who maybe use terms like “my submission is a precious gift” or did their time “exploring” and have made the leap and even are in relationships measured in decades that took offense to my labels I am sorry. My intention was not for those who made the leap but for those who have yet to leap. For those who have not yet leaped and take offense to the characterizations I do not apologize. I do not consider myself better then you not in any sense what so ever. Consider it my version of tough love.