Common Mistakes Made by Submissives

Here is a list in no particular order or relevance, which is to say some of these things can torpedo a relationship, some might not and some depends on the individuals in the relationship.

This is not meant to rip my fellow submissives in order to feel better about me. I wrote Common Mistakes Made by Dominants as my previous post. These are things I did once, been told directly to me and many things communicated by dominants in local communities, message boards, blogs and on and on.

1) This life cannot keep you 24/7 lost in warm fluffies.

I see this unfortunately too often with a percent of women on a whole and a much higher percentage with my fellow submissives. At some point in their life they have gotten into the belief that love means feeling those warm fluffies 24/7 like often in the infatuation stage of new love where that other just could not be possible more perfect and can do no wrong. But of course we all do come off that high and for the ones who then enter into a long term loving relationship we feel that often but not 24/7 nor do we expect it or chase it.

Unfortunately there are women who feel that is what love is always suppose to feel like and when they lose that feeling that means the relationship must be going bad. With a power exchange life the added dimensions and the fact it might fit us the best can often make warm fuzzies last longer and/or be more consistent.

But to expect this feeling or chase it in the relationship constantly is setting the bar impossibly high. To expect your owner to get you there a lot let alone always keep you there is setting them up for failure and putting way too much pressure on them.

This life is like other relationships. Emotions will change and the regular world will factor into this greatly.

2) Do not do things to chase compliments and other validations.

It is important as a slave not to be overt in your actions in a selfish manner to get something from your other. It can be intoxicating to be so into your owner that their compliments are to be desired and cherished. But that is not what a power exchange relationship is about. When power exchange relationships work right they are suppose to free both people up to be comfortable in their skin and not feel pressured by the other.

When you start doing things on the fuel of getting that compliment it is sabotaging the power dynamic. You are now making the act conditional. I do this for this and your other is now expected and to feel pressure to make sure they compliment you when you are expecting it.

We do things for our other from regular to special out of love and to show and prove our devotion to them and the dynamic we have agreed to live in. We do not do things to get immediate positive feedback. I am sure you are like me and hope to get compliments from my other, hopefully regularly, but it is not even a fine line but a grand canyon to do things without expectations and doing things with specific and immediate expectations.

3) Your other is a human being and as a human being they will screw up.

I know your owner is about as perfect as one can be. Heck my Master I think is so awesome I would swear his shit does not stink if I did not have first hand knowledge to know better. But of course we all do know they are not perfect. But sometimes some submissives expect them to be perfect when it comes to the power exchange dynamic.

Well they are not. Early on in a relationship or potential relationship expect them to do something or say something stupid or just bad that dents trust. But depending on how big of a dent do not get carried away and toss them aside for one bump.

In a relationship expect your owner to screw up in the dynamic. They are going to go long stretches of not doing acts of dominations, lose tract of you needing discipline and not make or show attitude about you asking about decisions they normally always make. They will be sometimes inconsistent in how and if they punish on things and on and on.

You have to live out the exceptions and if patterns emerge that will cause you problems then you have to then bring it up in a serious conversation.

4) Along with #3 your owner will punish you at times for things you do not think deserved to be punished and/or the punishment you do not think fits the infraction. You have to deal with it and not let it affect you.


When punished or the type of punishment is not deserved in your eyes or is to severe sometimes, and it probably happens to a lot of us, we can get frustrated, resentful and even angry about it. For some submissives though they go too far and think trust and other critical words have taken a hit. The fact is when this happens as long as it is not more times then not this is simply a difference of opinion or someone is wrong. But in the end who is wrong is irrelevant and only does harm to the relationship.

When faced with this it is important to sort through your emotions by dealing with it rationally. First set your feelings aside and focus on putting yourself in their place to try to understand. Maybe you will change your mind when you see it from their side when less emotional. If in the end you truly feel you did not deserve punishment or a lesser one then that is fine but not fine to get on your high horse. Instead take your punishment like a mature adult. Focus on the punishment like an order and an opportunity to show your love and devotion to your other.

Hopefully if the contested infraction is something more then very minor you have an owner who talks things over first before punishment. When you talk you have explained your thoughts. Most owners, and specifically good ones, want or demand their slave to speak up for herself while still being obedient.

5) You are in a relationship not on some amusement park ride.

I have seen too many submissives that treat their relationship as something that is suppose to be some ride with an unknown finish when it comes to the power and kink actions. The problem is that they are relationships with a person not an activities director. You enter into a long term relationship you have to enter it accepting the person for who they are and not that they are an accessory to your journey.

Some submissives forget about the mundane and routine parts of their relationship and become too focused on the kink and power aspects. It is unfortunate but I have seen and heard submissives eventually torpedo a healthy relationship because they have stopped growing in giving up more power or expanding things done and how far those things are done and, that their owner has some of obligation to push them as far as they can go.

These are relationships and compatibility in many areas has to be there to make it work including kinks and power for many of us. But in the end power exchange for a submissive is about serving your owner and being obedient. It is not about how wide and how deep the kink experience will be because no matter if this is indulged, it is something that cannot be kept up.

6) Your dominant cannot transform you into something you are not or something you can be without your active participation.

This is pretty much an amendment to the age old problem some people have of the “I will be happy if I find the right other.”

The problem is though most of these people have issues that another cannot fix. Submissives are like this but now have thrown power exchange into the mix and often find this mixture as a nice dream that they will be transformed into a better and far happier person. This can lead to when meeting someone to more role play this relationship then truly live it. They become an actor starring in their life that is impossible to keep up.

Now people can change and transform a little. A dominant can be a large part of this. But this has nothing to do with power exchange. A person with their own effort and the right kind of help is the only way to change for the better. It is not your other being a dominant that is the key if it happens. It is because they are the right person. That right person could also very well be a family member, dear friend or a professional in mental health.

There are of course more and maybe that will be for part two at some point.

Common Mistakes and Myths by Dominants

Here is a list in no particular order or relevance, which is to say some of these things can torpedo a relationship, some might not and some depends on the individuals in the relationship.

This is not meant to rip dominants as I will surely write “Common Mistakes Made by Slaves”. These are things I have endured, been told directly to me and many things communicated by dominants in local communities, message boards, blogs and on and on.

1) A slave who has to communicate what is wrong or what they need too much let alone always is a problem as their owner is using the “communication” value too literally and it has become a crutch for being lazy and/or selfish.

First, of course good communication is essential and a slave who cannot ever or not enough communicate problems or needs to their owner is shame on them. Second, nobody is a mind reader including owners.

On the other hand often owners complain and preach to anyone who will listen the problem and solution of when they hear a submissive complain about their dominant not doing this or no doing that, is to shred a submissive for just not telling them or their dominant.

The reality is there has to be a middle ground. By definition and basic compatibility 101 a dominant is a leader (proactive) and a submissive is a follower (reactive). The reality is if a submissive has to come to their dominant so much with things the dominant has become the reactor to the submissive becoming the leader.

Owners always need to put effort into being proactive with their slave’s mood, body language and what is going on in their life. Owners need to keep track the last time they played with or disciplined their slave and need to see if their slave is struggling and ask them what is wrong.

2) A dominants order or pleasure is not some magical thing that makes a submissive do something if they are having problems with that order from rational thoughts to just feelings and any combination.

Human beings are simply more complicated then that. If a slave is having difficulty with something never think or communicate that telling them should solve the problem. Obviously if a slave is struggling with the order they got that you want this aspect. A large part of overcoming the struggle and doing the order will be knowing this is what their owner wants and for them to do it for their owner and to show their love, devotion and dedication to the dynamic.

Human beings are not computers and logic and feelings do not have to work together. This is true from following orders to simple things. For example, ordering your slave to speak up about problems will not make that easier for them to do so if they struggle in doing it.

3) Slaves are not thoroughbreds but more along the lines of plow horses. We do not like or handle it very well to be used/actively endure domination from our owner in various ways especially physically in a random and sporadic way.

Slaves need to be used. It feeds us and gives us those deeper submissives feelings which frees us and makes us the most happy. Often dominants lose track of how consistent they have been with their slave in this area when the regular world does in fact dominate our lives.

Another problem is the common human inclination that we think everyone is like us. Some dominants often think out of caring or concern to back off things at times or even worse overall that make their slave suffer is a nice thing. This is actually a very bad thing. A slave is wired to be used as a slave. It makes us happy and gives us energy. Neglect in this area zaps us of submissive energy and causes anxiety and frustration.

Slaves are not like dominants. Our suffering in the moment brings us energy and happiness afterwards that can last exponentially longer then the suffering was for.

4) Like #3, just because we have submissive personalities does not mean deep submission like a slave needs to have is even remotely natural.

A person with a deeply submissive personality will often naturally put their other first. We will dress and do our hair in a way that pleases. We will enjoy on occasion blowing you when you are watching a game. We will put out how and when our other wants. We will try to cook meals that our other likes. But these will be done normally on our own inclination and when we think about it.

A slave though who is being used and has a well designed rule, ritual and routine discipline goes to a whole new level of submission that most dominants are truly after. We need to dress and do our hair in the way our owner likes. We will drop anything and run to you to give you a blow job during a game with joy and spring in our step. We will obsess over cooking meals that our owner will enjoy.

5) Semantics do not overrule logic and feelings

Too often dominants think words can overrule a slave’s brain and this not only is wrong but tends to make dominants look foolish to their slaves.

One of the classic examples I have seen time and time again is when a slave is in bad shape of a discipline session and got up the nerve to ask. Like it or not most slaves will feel they have just topped from the bottom. Often, dominants love to deflect this by saying it is still up to them when the discipline session will happen so they still have all the control. Sorry that does not cut it.

No matter if it is two hours, two days or even two weeks later the next discipline session the slave will worry it is only being done because they asked for it. Might not mean they will not get what they need out of it but the full impact and no worries will not happen no matter what the owner says.

Often dominants can try to tweak things using word play or stall games. This can have a negative impact on things. Slaves like certainty and despise uncertainty. Word games create uncertainty.

6) Dominants who think the one need of a slave is to obey and make their owner life easier and more pleasurable trumps all other needs and makes those needs a very distant second or not needs at all.

This belief is unfortunately in my experience way too common even if it still is a minority opinion. Slaves are human beings just like all other human beings. Are needs and strong desires cannot be taken away or sacrificed because of a bigger need or stronger desire. Just because we will obsess over our owner as our primary need will not make other things in our life become irrelevant.

7) When in a long term relationship the mundane day to day things done for the home or specifically our Master will not always bring us direct happiness.

Shocking I know to all the cyber theorists out there but cleaning the master bathroom into the hundreds will rarely have me so happy I am bouncing off the walls. Cooking a routine meal on a typical Tuesday night will probably not make me wet and my nipples hard.

Now I am not even remotely saying that keeping a good home and taking pride in doing these types of tasks on a daily basis are not done with great pride and bring an overall happiness in terms of this pleases our owner because for me and many other it certainly does. I am just saying doing the laundry my feelings for it will probably be based on other things then directly doing the laundry.

The problem that this can often cause is a dominant can lose touch that their slave might need more enjoyment in her life then mundane day to day chores because the owner think this should make their slave perfectly happy to do them. That happy has a different meaning.

I am sure there are more but that can be for later and a part two. I will focus on slave mistakes and myths sometime soon to show I am not just out to pick on dominants. ;)