Natural vs Object

The not so fine line between these two wrong ways 

When we seek our other for a Master/slave relationship often these two concepts collide and can doom the most promising of starts. On the one hand we have the human tendency to try to satisfy needs and strong desires that we will often rush or push others into situations to get them satisfied. The potential dangerous result being that we can objectify the other person in the equation. On the other hand we as humans also tend to not want to make a conscious effort in often the things that mean the most to us. We often then rely on letting things unfold in a “natural” way. But this is really more code for what we really do and that is be passive and react hoping things work the way we want them to in the end. 

The best example I can use is sex and how people go about deciding when to have it in a relationship. Some people want it as soon as possible to satisfy their sexual desires while other people like to wait until they have very genuine feelings for the person they are seeing. The fact is there is no right or wrong answer to which is the best way. The sex before feelings can be an objectifying experience for example one might feel do they like me for who I am or that I am giving them orgasms. The other way is to spend a great deal of time with someone that our time and emotional investment is so great that between the pressure to then make sex work for both or to find out that the two people together are not sexually very compatible and a bad breakup is inevitable. 

The reality from my eyes is most human beings never give any of this any serious thought or effort. That most human beings let their personality, past experiences and the personal issues that result from those two things and let those things blindly go about how they seek out relationships and try to live them. This is where you get the age old issue that is a huge problem in power exchange dynamic relationships and we get the “this is what I want” that then gets worked back into “this is how it should be/will be”. Far too often we do not want to work for what we truly desire and want in our power exchange relationship but at the same time we do not want a relationship that is false and blows up because we objectified the other and the roles we played at more then felt. 

In the next two sections I am going to point out to me the issues when we have defaulted too much to one of these things that can create a big problem when striving for a power exchange relationship in a long term and loving one. 

“Human beings default to vanilla” 

In probably the past five years this quote that I read on a message board, and I apologize for not remembering where or who, was the shortest pure truths I have ever read about people and power exchange relationships. 

The word natural that gets tossed around when discussing this life is 99% of the time used as a code word for two things. 

1) Cool Factor Disease – as a person thinking they are a better slave then others the more they proclaim themselves to be more natural at their core then others they see and hear call themselves slaves. 

2) A term used to run away from personal responsibility in these types of relationships. You will often see many people claiming themselves a master or a slave in a significant power exchange relationship then literally at the same time sprint away from what we discuss in specifics about this life. Things brought up like control, obedience, rules, rituals, punishment, active leadership and others many when faced with the specifics of these will use the phrase “I am a natural dominant/submissive” and therefore do not need to do these things. 

But the truth is we are not natural anything when M/s is our dynamic. Yes we have to have personalities and be drawn to this life in a natural strong way but that only gets us to the door. We in the end to default to vanilla and the vanilla in us acts in a way that makes our preferences and wishes to be whatever is the easiest and most convenient for us. We as human beings do this everyday. We judge our wishes and preferences as right or better and anything that is different or goes against ours as wrong or worse. For example, we pass a car on the highway that car is going too slow but another car passes us that car is going too fast. 

Trying to let the power exchange dynamic in a new relationship develop in a natural way by time and feelings is doomed for failure if that is all that is going to happen as we humans default to vanilla. All this is going to do is make each person just be themselves and expect the other person in their relationship to turn into their perfect vision of a master or slave. This will never happen and bitterness and frustration will slowly build and erode a once promising relationship. 

Objectify to the point of not knowing 

When we rush into power exchange and/or doing kinky things we often do this because our strong desires for these things have built up after too much time without and instead of learning about each other and walking down the path together we sprint without thought to the other. The end we end up objectifying the other person or feel objectified by the other and many times both and then everything is so artificial the relationship has nowhere to go but to collapse. 

We as human beings are born natural role players. But also for all of us playing roles drains us of energy that will eventually burn us out. We see this and often do this all the time when we first start seeing someone and like them that we will present a fairytale version of ourselves that is not really the actual version. A slob home will be cleaner when the other visits then normal. The meals fixed will be better and made with pretend joy of cooking for many. But over time the act cannot be kept up and we revert to how we are. The person comes over to a pig sty and the meals cooked become few and far between with no joy to do so communicated. 

The problem in doing this with power exchange is that we objectify the other person to become an act or expect them to be an act and fail to work with them how they are and what they need to be the role we both desire them to be. The dominant who after a few dates hands over a slave contract in essence is asking the other to take on a role. A submissive wanting to be bossed around after the same amount of time is asking a dominant to take on a role. Out of desire one or both eagerly accept the situation and then we have one or two people playing roles that drain them of energy as opposed to being themselves in power exchange roles that fit and feed them energy. Then one or both eventually stop playing the role and the other is left wondering what happen or blame the other as being a poser. 

This objectifying tends to hurt power exchange relationships when one or both jump into the kinky sex aspects and ignore the power exchange connections to these acts. People end up getting their sexual needs taken care of but now have come to associate kinky sex as always mutual fun. When often many of the kinky things done in master/slave relationships are strong physical manifestations of power being exchange critical of keeping the mindset and atmosphere of the relationship a power based one. That rushing too fast into kink and too specifically just for pleasure we have not only objectified the other person but we have objectified the acts themselves that will potentially damage the journey toward a power dynamic. 

Middle ground and accepting we will need to get out of our comfort zone 

The fact is somewhere between the extreme of just natural or too fast we objectify the person, acts or the dynamic is the key to building the foundation to a great and healthy master/slave relationship dynamic. We have to accept just being ourselves and expecting the other to rise up to our fantasy version of the other role is a ludicrous idea. We have to accept that feelings for another does not make us change into a role. We have to accept playing a role will not transform us into being happy playing that role permanently.   

The reality is that either role master or slave means working at times in an unnatural way specifically on our role in the relationship. This does mean for a slave things will be done we will not enjoy or want to do often on a daily basis but still the overall life of a slave makes us happier then if we are in a regular relationship. It means as a dominant that being actively assertive and in charge comes with making decisions and leading when you are not feeling like it or do not see the point. The more you wan the other to be less vanilla like the more we must accept that we cannot act in a vanilla way ourselves. 

The reality means that rushing to the fun things can make us role players that burn out one or both. That working hard with mutual effort to have our fantasy version of the other takes time, constant communication and working outside are comfort zone of us defaulting to vanilla all the while expecting the other to not be vanilla. In a long term power exchange relationship we cannot just turn on the dynamic no matter how much time together and feelings developed between us and think the danger of role play burnout has been minimalized. 

The dynamic takes work and commitment from the start and each and everyday we live it. It has to be within us but we also need to make sure we feed the other what they need so they can feed us in return. We need to make sure we do not role play out of wishing for what we want or from our feelings we have developed for our other and we need to keep our eyes open that our other is not role playing as well. 

People succeed in things in life because they are motivated, focused and willing to put in the work to do so and this includes people in relationships.

Fear of Subjugation

In the end the title of this entry is the base of every happy and loving Master/slave relationship. But for many of us who this wonderful relationship dynamic is the best fit for us and one we dream about to outright crave. But the fear of actually having the actions of such control, domination and enslavement or be enslaved for both roles is often our own personal thrown up road block that prevents us from having what we seem to desire so much.

Being paralyzed by either the fear of living a relationship dynamic so different then the ones we more commonly see or the fear of ignoring or being judged by traditional society values weighs so many down not only in being able to take the leap but being able to find the person to take the leap with. Now closing in on fifteen years in being involved in the life and most of that time living as a slave I have found this to be a cruel ironic fate that plagues the dynamic I am so fond and zealot about.

The fog of the fine line

My path in this life was one that slave does fit the best for me and always has. I am all about being in a severe power exchange relationship that is strongly sexual with kinky things. I doubt that would ever change. But what interests me when I seek out to reflect about my interests and learn more about myself and this type of dynamic has. I have ventured more and more away from the places where M/s is discussed and kinky things mentioned and I find myself more and more getting those needs met by going to places where taken in hand is openly discussed. Now again I am not meant for taken in hand nor do I like some of the rationale that some of the people into this dynamic use. But what draws me to spend more time reading about those relationships as opposed to Master/slave relationships how most embrace the subjugation of the woman that is getting more and more difficult to find in the BDSM/power exchange community.

I have always thought that it was some cruel joke how the people who embrace taken in hand and those who embrace Master/salve go about their mindset and hurdling their barrier to live the actual dynamic. In my opinion here are how the two groups go about communicating and stressing in their dynamic:

Taken in Hand – Most taken in hand people who openly discuss the life have little trouble with the concept of the man controlling his woman in an actual real and severe way. The word domination is rarely mentioned but the man controls the world in which the woman lives and he is the center of that world. It is rare to find a woman discussing her relationship or desire to be in one running away from being controlled and dominated but more often then not openly expressing their love for their man that does this to them or wanting to find such a man.

But at the same time they ignore, in denial or run away that in this world the female’s sexuality and openness to be their man’s personal sex dream of femininity and devotion to give him his perfect sex life is a big part of the relationship. They run away from how the punishment dynamic aspects and maintenance spankings are way more similar to kinky things and the turn on of the physical manifestation of the power (leadership) the man has over his woman.

Master/slave – Most in this life at the drop of the hat will talk about all the kinky things and sex stuff. In fact sometimes with passionate and veteran local community people you can get the impression that this life is just scenes. But most sprint from anything that power exchange of any significance outside of broad generic descriptions.

We as a group tend to hide from the control and domination that is there in actual Master/slave relationships. Sure we here the generic a slave “obeys” and “puts their masters desires above her own” but anything deeper is rarely talked about in any realistic or in depth fashion. Instead we get fantasy fiction of a slave of twenty years being giddy about doing laundry and every order and action is practically orgasmic. Men run from talking about the enjoyment and desires to control and dominate a woman they care for and replace it by trying to steal good qualities most strive for and all think they have and act like they are special and that is what a dominant is. Dominants instead of showing themselves as actual leaders with visions and passion for such a controlling dynamic instead act like they are life coaches and used car salesman promoting that heaven has been the destiny of all women that they have touched.

Rock and a hard place

To me this is where way too much of the public communication of M/s has ended up. We have two wrongs discussed in black and white and neither represents the reality of a Master/slave total power exchange relationship and the happiness and pleasure for those drawn to one feel. We have the devil promotion of look out for all the dangerous abusers and the mentally insane or not dealing with their issues that quote the definition of a slave out of a book or think a woman in the modern world can be really treated like chattel as the rock. Then as the hard space we have the men that describe a life of sheer perfection where the master knows all and everything he does is a benefit of his slave and slaves acting like they have never not done anything order by or done by their owner that was not a sheer joy to do.

But all of this is not reality in terms of day to day life. More importantly to this entry it is does not communicate anything that inspires and draws people into the life and for which I mean people already drawn to the life but for some reason not able to hurdle their own fears and try to go for a real Master/slave relationship. The communication of this life from the Internet, the learning of how to attract a top/bottom to do a scene in the local communities that is promoted as how “real” people in the life should do and be like and the fear mongers trying to scare everyone out there, we have made this life so uninspiring that it might have made it far more difficult to inspire someone to make the leap.

It is in a lot of my blog entries and is quite common in all forms of communication even the romantic fictional stuff but:

Dominant is a leader and leaders lead. Submissive is a follower who follows one they cherish and are inspired to.

But the communication of this life you can be hard pressed to feel many dominants as true leaders. Most come off as boring clichéd addicted and uninspiring beggars wanting a slave. Women who do have deep desires and a slave life would be so great seem so scared of actually admitting they are a follower and desire enslavement that it is tough to tell if they are trying to fool themselves or others.

This is at what the heart of my message in this blog. People drawn to Master/slave severe power relationships are actually drawn to actual subjugation which is actual things like control/being controlled, dominated/dominating and being enslaved by or lover/enslaving their lover. But between regular society pounding it into our heads that this is wrong and the local community addicts telling everyone this life should be just like negotiating with an acquaintance at a local dungeon to do a scene too many run away from communicating what attracts/draws us to wanting an M/s relationship in the first place. It is the far too common societal passive aggressive self inflicted mortal wound that prevents too many from the leap to find their other and live in an M/s dynamic relationship. The failure to leap is a problem with both roles and genders and not just one.

Taken in Hand shows not all are afraid of this type of communication

I do not agree with a lot of their justifications and they have plenty that communicate self esteem issues just like people in this life. But many are not afraid to embrace and talk on topics that may be sometimes light on powerful words like control and dominate but the communication is often way more direct and powerful in actual support of those words. But far too often people in the M/s life run away from those words. Control gets shot down by people sprinting toward not wanting “micromanagement”. Domination gets shot down by not wanting or being a doormat. Reality mixed with what inspires us to want an M/s dynamic relationship gets shout down by romantic dribble that this life can be a true fairytale experience.

Making the leap often will mean for many if the possibility of getting what they ache for out feels their fear of the unknown and societal judgment

The man who can come off as sane but dominant and has a vision for what they want in their life that is inspirational to a woman whose best destiny is living life as a slave can make a woman to take that leap. But unfortunately too many men choose to display their peacock feathers in ways that are simply uninspiring and often quite submissive in their communication. While adapting local community public protocol as “the way” or running away from words like control, domination and other strong vision inducing words they become quite submissive in their words and actions. The unfortunate byproduct of these dances is not to draw a woman to leap like they want but just the opposite and to repel them from leaping as the possibility of getting what they ache for seems like a long shot.

The woman that can come off as sane but deeply submissive and is not afraid of communication that can show this to prospective dominant can get exposed to far more dominants that will inspire them. Dominants are not super human or perfect human beings. They do not like being rejected or labeled a bad thing like anyone else. If they feel fear in expressing their true desires or think that is not the way to lure a woman then they will not do so and a woman will not get the rewards.

We can choose to dance in an honest and direct way or we can choose to dance in fear and misdirection. Those who choose the path of honest and direct from both genders are far more likely to find their special someone and live the dynamic they have probably dreamed about for a long time.

People that were meant for being a master or a slave in a severe power exchange relationship do not run away from words such as control, power, domination and enslavement but are drawn to and inspired to have them in their life.

More Personal

Doublenot in this entry in her blog wrote about the lack of a lot of personal information in blogs and in particular the way some of this information that shows we all do not live in fairytale relationships and real life still dominates our life. Now from the time I started my blog and I will continue to do so because it is not only my nature but what motivates me to write is more only topics, theories and intellectual thoughts and practices of power exchange relationships. I do make a point to poke holes in the fairytales we sometimes weave in this life but I am not really offer up my real time and problems.

I thought I would just randomly spill out some personal info on me and my relationship in some sporadic no order of importance or any semblance of a theme or point.

Here are ten detailed things and maybe do this more often if I am comfortable.

1) Biggest thing I struggle with in our relationship is the lack of time we have together. My previous two serious relationships my owners never traveled and in fact worked the same place I did. My Master travels quite a bit and between that and my job makes a lot of alone time I am not use to and cause more roller coaster ride then I like.

2) I have never had a serious relationship that was not M/s. Never had a teenage love affair thing and chased different sexual relationships until being introduced to this life at twenty. I have not once even thought about seeing what a regular relationship was like.

3) I rarely struggle with obedience but struggle and cause problems with my Master when he does things I am use to doing. Fill my day up with orders I am perfectly fine and probably more then fine but quite happy. But for William to clean or cook something see me unravel and get all kinds of uncomfortable and stressed out. I stress myself out at the drop of a hat. To find the kitchen cleaned two days before I was to normally clean it will paralyze me as I obsess over if William thought I should have already done a deep cleaning but more often thinking about how it throws off my schedule and how to get back on it.

4) I am not an adrenaline addict. I have been accused of this often by people who see kinky slave and ER nurse. I have a phobia about motorcycles and see no reason to jump out of an airplane or bungee jump. My mind is super fast and the chaos of the ER really helps me function best.

5) Our biggest issue as a couple is my job. William loves what he does and enjoys doing it. He still after all this time cannot understand that I feel the same way when he often sees me come back from a shift exhausted, mad, frustrated or near tears. One of the things I stated and kept firm when looking for my owner was that I would be allowed to work full time and in the area I wanted. William has already got me to part time and keeps trying to get me out of the ER and that talk never ends up just being a talk.

6) My Mom knows I am into S&M. I do not know if she knows about M/s although I would not bet a dime she does not know. She saw me enough times with bruises that we had quite the talk one day. I am almost positive my Dad knows as well but enjoys the do not ask do not tell. In terms of them accepting my Master, my brother said it best to William when he was worried about it “You got Lin to agree to being married and think about having children. You could have been an imprisoned serial killer and not only gotten our Mom’s blessing but she would have helped you escape.”

7) The one kinky thing you will never see me comment on or write about is orgasm control. I have heard all the reasons for why to do it and why it is enjoyable for both sides over and over but I still basically cannot process it in my brain. I am thankful my first owners were basically the opposite of this in which they believed I sexually served them and my orgasms were great but irrelevant unless at the time they specifically wanted to see me orgasm.

8) I despise drama in people. Of course plenty of drama queens and kings out there in great relationships but I do not know how they can do it. I am generally a patient person but people that need to make a big deal out of everything that they come up against or feel I usually have very violent thoughts against. I will never understand how someone can care so much where they go to eat or in a great long term relationship the other says one thing that is not a major thing but makes one obsess and re-think prior well proven thoughts.

9) I do not nor have ever journal for myself or my Master. – I can scream and write open and forward communication like everyone else in keeping people on the same page and not letting problems build and fester until they are well blown out of proportion but I have no formal way of nipping those things in the bud. We sometimes if have big things particularly when new would have scheduled sit down talk out things and still have those here and there. But most of the time I still need to get the nerve to bring things up the old fashion way.

10) We have the most common wishes for our other, he wishes I would initiate more the sexual and kinky things and I wish he would be more indulgent and rougher in his use of me. We have a history of each going bouts where I am doing hints and passive aggressive behaviors to get laid and kink done to me and he sometimes forgets just how much I love serving him and cruelty towards me and starts playing regular husband into kinky mutual enjoyable sex.

No Chance

Hang around in cyber, local communities or talk to enough dominants you will come across two theories in this life that it saddens me people often give thought and reflection to. 1) A dominant should not love their submissive/slave. 2) A dominant has to not need their slave as much as their salve needs them or they will be powerless.

Now probably most of you reading this go that is just stupid but still I am stunned just how many pause and give this thought especially new people into the life that often these confused dominants try to prey on.

Insecurity is a factor in this life

People do not like to talk about this and whenever I have brought up in the past especially in person or on a message board people will often line up to bash me but insecurity of the other leaving is a driving force behind power exchange relationships. Notice I did not say only, biggest or major but for most people this is a reason of some consequence.

From a dominant’s standpoint things like bowing, statements of devotion and seeing their submissive sacrifice for them goes into the feeding of the insecurity of look how much they care for me and therefore will not leave me. From a submissive’s all these things we do to please them and put them first goes into the feeding of our insecurity of them leaving us. That if we do these things and keep them happy they will not leave us.

No human does not have some insecurities and for most in power exchange the other leaving us is an insecurity that we share. But for those where it goes to becoming unhealthy, dangerous and unchecked is when people act on it in a severe and life controlling way. Dominants who obsess over needing the other less are dealing with unhealthy insecurity of have a big issue of not being able to handle well if the other person leaves them.

These can be very dangerous people at worse and at best are incredibly needy people which go for submissives as well if they are unhealthy about worrying their other will dump them.

What’s love got to do with it?

Most human beings want and need love in our relationships. But love and the ability to give it and accept it ranges greatly in human beings. We though as human beings often do not like to admit that to ourselves and when the more love express/needed person falls for someone they tend to assume that everyone is like them exactly and therefore if this person loves and cares for them they will respond in kind. But not all human beings are capable of loving or showing/giving it.


To ask most people, including people in this life, that love is a critical component in a successful and healthy long term relationship, but the truth is it is not a must have for some to have a successful and long term relationship. I am pretty sure we all know others who are in long term relationships that do not seem to be loving ones that the people seem perfectly fine with them. Whether an older couple that relies on one to take care of the other physically while the other takes care of them financially and for whatever reason these relationships do in fact exist.

The fact is love in a relationship and the need to feel and give it are compatibility things for two people. For some it has to ooze out of everything in the relationship and for some does not or cannot even be in their relationships. But for most of us including power exchange couples it is somewhere in between those two extremes and it is important for all couples that love is involved.

Regular relationship rules apply

One of the biggest mistakes many people make when they get into this life even when they have significant experience in it is to discount or think that because of the power exchange and how they fit it that human behavior and needs somehow become greatly different. That power exchange relationships transcend regular relationship dynamics because they are special! It is one of the fairytales of this life.

It is buying into this myth that is the cornerstone of the reasons and motivations of the most common mistakes in these relationships. That people, especially dominants, decide what they want whether overall or in the moment and then work there way back to a power exchange theory that supports it. This is what goes on when a dominant states that one should not love their slave. The truth is most dominants promoting that do not want an all encompassing relationship or have limited or no ability to give love to another.

This is the same thinking along the lines of a dominant stating one cannot get married to their slave. All that actually means is they do not want to get married for the usual reasons people do not want to get married and no power exchange special reason other than trying to fool themselves or their other that it is not a regular old human reason.

We can be compatible, not compatible, get fooled or get played

In the end we are either going to be on the same page, be the right fit and have the timing of all it right or we will not be. Power exchange cannot quench the thirst of an unhealthy insecurity, shore up perceived lack of character traits many want from another and protect oneself from slights of the past or fears of the future whether realistic or imaginary. A person may or may not need love in their relationship but no wishful theory in the world can get a person who needs it to be with one who cannot or will not give it.

No relationship has a chance if one is obsessed over who needs the other more and actually thinks that dictates what can go on in a power exchange relationship. People require at the minimal when in long term relationships is to feel the other one is deeply committed to the other through the thick and thin. For most but not all that includes love as a critical component and not obsessing over an insecurity or dealing with a person who makes us jump through that hoop.

Labels – Why the Drama?

In writing my blog I try to only write on a topic that I am inspired/get my dandruff up by something. I also in thinking and looking for ideas tend to keep a list of topics I would like to write on but just have not felt to inspiration to. One of those topics that has been on the list for a long time now is labels.

Now I could right on labels in some detail but after reading the blog Laurie’s-ramblings of a madwoman and her excellent post on labels there is no need to write anything in detail about this topic. At best it would be a poor imitation and at worse probably some subconscious plagiarism. So all I will do is mention it here add one thing and if anyone is interested in how too many of the people in this life obsess over labels please read her post.

My two cents worth, labels are necessary for giving basic information to people and that is about it. To call oneself a slave in this life to someone they probably will guess you are not a Saturday night bottom at a local dungeon only player. It does mean much more then that or even if they agree or not but know something to infer, ask or just chat about.

Most of us tend to only go that far with the labels we deal with on an everyday basis. But some go way too far. I find that it is quite ironic that the people who go out of their way to rant against labels give them often more value then anyone else.

Emotional Masochism

I have been reluctant about writing about this topic that is near and dear to my heart out of defiance more then anything else. You see I am an emotional masochist which is why I am such a big fan of degradation and humiliation play. But unfortunately there is a huge double standard in our huge tent when there is talk on this subject. You see because physical masochism gets pretty much a free pass. If one likes physical pain inflicted on them you pretty much get a free pass from all the safety police, directed at you personally not the acts, and all the non physical masochists stay away from the subject.

But for the people like me who are emotional masochists we get no luxury. Whenever the topic of humiliation or degradation comes up or if the specific topic of emotional masochism comes up the safety police come out in droves to talk about stranger’s personal issues and everyone and their mothers often feel free to wade on the subject regardless even if they are clearly not even remotely this way.

My protest was always in a silent way to not treat physical masochism and emotional masochism any different because if you are one or both of them then you are and most things talked about into this area apply even if they may apply differently. But I decided I wanted to write my view on emotional masochism. I am going to be brief because I think this is a topic that prevails itself to either brief or go way deep but in between can be confusing. I will end with me attacking the myths that are promoted.

What is emotional masochism?

I want to give two ways to describe it then go into types.


1) Do you enjoy a sad movie or television program where a character makes you cry? – Many of us do otherwise many movies and television shows would not have these elements in them. Well for an emotional masochist we might really love to have a “good” cry. It might be enjoyable in the moment or it might be the feeling afterwards but some way we like to cry or feel bad as it does not have to be about crying.

2) The enjoyment/pleasure/need of releasing junk deep with ourselves that is quite negative whether we believe it and often when even if we know and do not believe it. This venting of negative junk allows a person to feel more relaxed or feel more pleasurable things that the negative junk might have been blocking.

I know/categorize or for ease three types. I am not claiming this is all or even right but just from my experiences and observations. I am also not discussing levels to simplify it as well. Just like all other people with interests, issues and preferences they come with levels. To assume worse case scenario for each is just as idiotic as to assume very light for each as well.

1) People who have prior abuse that has caused an abnormal amount of self hatred with themselves. – Often people with such an endless source of self hatred from suffering from abuse as a child that they often have trouble feeling anything nice. Often without a safe way to vent this will act out in very self destructive ways. For some their emotional masochism that along with many other factors wonder into the kinky sex area and find an outlet to let out the bad so they can feel the good.

2) People who have internal conflicts of what they feel and what society has preached or doing individual things to how we think they should have gone. They feel but do not express for various reasons like non emotional that way or living up to society behavior so it gets stuck inside them. – This is basically how I am. I will stress myself out trying to be something I do not have to be or intellectually know I have to be but none the less I do it. People like me this is pretty much hardwired into us in such a way that we naturally without reason stress ourselves out.

3) Number two above but with specifically sexual in nature. – Probably the most common one in society. This is for whatever reason a person who cannot reconcile what most people find is healthy sexuality with their mind pretty much all sex is issues and screwed up in some way. The classic good girls do not do that type thoughts. So puncturing those feelings to vent out and let the fun sex feeling their body truly craves is a fairly common thing. Think the classic “I am a slut for my Master” or “You are such a slut. You cannot get enough of my cock” type phrases people do with each other.

Myths of Emotional Masochism

1) Without years of experience as a top it can be very dangerous. – One of things I despise the most and there is probably no way of getting around it is the mixing in of the ego with actual safety talk. This is one of the reasons. Once again we are talking about professional dommes and people who play on a local community level confusing the dangers of playing with strangers in general compared to people playing in loving healthy long term relationships. We are talking about these people confusing other people who are not self aware or dealing with issues unchecked and therefore self medicating that can cross the line to people who do deal with there issues and are self medicating in a safe and healthy way.

Because to think only an emotional masochist can be in this life and not be dealing with bigger issues that could explode on them as opposed to the other things we do is absurd. This is the double standard I talked about previously. This is the be careful of prior abuse shouted from the rooftop whenever these things are mentioned but silenced about past physical abuse when an S&M subject comes up about the dangers in the mind. Or people who are quick to discard themselves and lose themselves into a fairytale image of a slave these people often do not mention or talk about.

If a person is not stable, not dealing or cannot handle their own reactions the it is not skill but sheer stupidity and dangerous irresponsible behavior to be playing with people like this in the first place.

2) The play that emotional masochists are often into is dangerous and can cause damage easily. – This is the most ignorant of all the reasons out there about play like this. Unfortunately it is prevalent because many in this life suffer to some various degree of the cool factor disease. The cool factor disease in summary is the thought of the more power given over and the fewer limits one has makes them better then others. So many who want to try all the bells and whistles in this life but instead of going “oh well, just not for me” instead get their ego tied up into it and make it “this is very dangerous”.

How this comes into play is when people start exploring the area where emotional masochists flourish like humiliation and degradation type stuff. Since there are many that on some level like some of these things on a very light and harmless way (think again of it is cool to feel like a filthy slut during sex sometimes with hubby) that when there is an attempt to go deeper it can be bad and dangerous. But the reason should be in big neon lighted lights, MAYBE BECAUSE THERE IS NO EMOTIONAL MASOCHISM IN YOU!

Once again double standard, as people in this life automatically accept physical pain. But the fact is take a cane to the average person and see if that is not dangerous from a mental standpoint because guess what, it is! Play that goes directly with emotions is a separate play that physical S&M is and on and on with the types of play. People with the cool factor disease are usually more trying to explain why there not into something then accepting others are going to be different from them.

3) That this play can add to the issues of an emotional masochist. – Most if not all emotional masochist that are drawn to this type of play are drawn based on two things. 1) They are harder on themselves then any other person or society. 2) It is an outlet to vent these feelings and not intake them.

The person who feels worthless and cannot find a way to vent it is not getting this feeling by others directly. The person feeling worthless is certainly not getting it directly from the person they love and respect in an ongoing relationship. So some random play that taps these feelings and lets them come out and it is not about stuffing more of these feelings in to a person explodes.

Again, someone’s cane to the tits is deeply enjoyable is another’s abuse chant. Well an emotional masochist might prefer to be totally degraded by their owner as incredibly enjoyable similar to a physical masochist getting their tits worked over.

4) Nobody should be self medicating. – Then there would be no one left on earth. We all self medicate. Whether eating comfort food when we are sad or stressed or flirt or masturbate when our sex life is not satisfactory. It is not that self medicating is bad but that unhealthy self medicating is bad. It is the eating of comfort food until we are morbidly obese, diabetic and with severe heart problems or we start of having affairs and risky sex in these examples.

But if one knows, recognizes and deals with their issues and enjoyments in a healthy way then we call that a person with their act together. Well for an emotional masochists dealing with what we enjoys means in a safe contained way from a good cry watching a sad movie to some of the darker play in this life. Like other stuff they all can be an instrument of good and bad. A person could watch endless sad movies and become physically depressed or a person seeks out getting treated like crap only from another and not have the goodness in the relationship for the same examples.

Emotional masochists are out there and take general pleasure in many things most do not in life including many in this life that openly accept physical pain as being a part of this life. Just like a regular person might see through their eyes at what you do and think it is dangerous and questionable people often in this life see what emotional masochists gravitate to and think dangerous and questionable. But if it is a healthy fit that view is just as crazy as many of the people who get so frustrated and/or hide out of fear from letting regular people know what makes them happy.

We are all not the same and certain things done in scope and intensity in this life are done the same for the same reasons. Some of us really dig being humiliated and degraded a deep enough way by our loved one.

Random Opinions II

I think nothing scares dominants more then when submissives communicate of real time experience of their other stop being committed to the dynamic and stopped all active domination and play/scenes. So many try for the obedient spouse/maid, cook and whore with a great attitude that whenever real life people point out the real life failures of the dominant not holding up their end it scares them because many are that way and just do not have the domination within them. That many truly are just about do those things and tell me what you need and I will give it and think that can actually work. Time after time I see dominants respond with the most idiotic and ill thought out garbage when replying to specific and clear examples like they are being questioned by police and are trying to think of an alibi.


Being open to power exchange and BDSM and being open and adventurous sexually are completely two different things and often if both are wanted in a relationship that the hurdle of a person(s) with society values and raised beliefs are not tied together. For some they may mirror but for many one of them might be more difficult and possibly not going to be able to do. So one may become a freak in bed but never get comfortable with power exchange and vice versa. Just because someone is one of these things does not make them the other or easily converted. That goes for males and dominants as well.

People into poly need to do a much better job in promoting their ways. My first relationship was poly and quite successful in the fact it was not suppose to go on forever and they are still close friends who actually traveled to Taiwan to be guests at my wedding. So I am far from being against poly or think it cannot work. But poly people are often so defensive about their preferences for the life they can often act like a cult. What I mean by that is anything that people point out about problems and difficulties that outsiders bring up or people with past bad experiences in poly they circle the wagons and usually snipe back. I feel until poly people act in a more open and honest way in discussing the problems of poly and admit many in poly looking for thirds or go through thirds all the time are not good poly people or in it for good reasons. Until they do more of this then they will still get treated like a cult and have a tough time finding people to join them.

I feel maybe because of being submissive or being raised in Eastern culture make me somehow too harsh with this view but I always feel that too many women who are more prone to easiness and comfort of habit that keep their hair short and dress in a less then feminine way hurt their relationships. Often when I hear women complain their men no longer touch them that often or other even some of the more tame affectionate things I look at how they present themselves and want to blurt out why would he. I am not a believer of the poetic prose of that long hair and always wear outfits like dresses and skirts at all times be attractive is HOW a woman is naturally to be. But if we love our other and accept men are visually stimulated then I do not know why a woman does not make an effort to look appealing to their man. There is a reason early on in a power exchange relationship a male owner will often order the hair grown longer and the clothes more feminine worn by their slave.

I wish more women would be more secure in most things not based on a relationship so they can have more courage to leave crappy relationships and find ones that work for them. I also feel that more women need to stop thinking of a man as an entertainment device first then worry about long term compatibility things later.

I wish there was a remedial school for power exchange relationships. Every time a man talks only about the toys they are forced to take the class and every time a woman communicates a Master is suppose to be Prince Charming they have to take the course as well.

Rules & Rituals

I wanted to write a lot briefer then I normally do on this topic and then be more personal then I normally am and show some examples of the ones in my life.

First I do not quite know what the difference sometimes between a rule and a ritual when it comes to the ritual part. Is it a rule how one may greet their owner or is it a ritual. I know a straight rule like no wearing sweats when the temperature is above sixty for example.

Rules and Rituals is a pet topic for me as I believe they are critical in having a healthy 24/7 M/s relationship. I wrote in more detail why in the sister pet topic atmosphere. These two topics tend to overlap as I tend to think of rules and rituals to be the backbone of keeping up a healthy power exchange atmosphere within a relationship. These two topics and how they often get clouded up and mistreated by people in far lesser power exchange dynamics (in scope not how good) and those with the cool factor disease were one of my motivations to start this blog and spend less time on message boards.

So instead of another entry of broad theory I thought it would be different to give some quick thoughts on developing beneficial rules and rituals and then use some as my own as example.

Basic and primitive guidelines

1) Not too many but not none as well. – It is the biggest gripe among people who do not want these things in their life that it burdens them more then anything. Certainly too many can contribute to the burdening. I am guessing the leading cause of having too many in a relationship is because people thinking of ones they might like or read of rules and rituals in other M/s relationships that people just add them with no thought to why outside of thinking they would be cool and fun. I think a good way to see if you need a ritual or rule is for both to monitor their life and see a particular time frame or situation that is routine that one or both struggle to deal with their perspective roles and duties in the relationship can be a good place to put something in.

2) Have a good motivation for a rule or ritual. – I believe any rules and ritual can be good as long as one of the person’s directly involved will feel more dominant or submissive because of it therefore enhancing the power exchange atmosphere. I do not believe both have to get something out of it. I also believe that if an owner has a preference then it can be perfectly great as well. But the best rules and rituals will have a better reason then “because I say so” even if it is as simple as “I really like you doing that”.

3) If a tree falls in the woods does it make a sound. – An owner may really like the idea of their slave contemplating their love and devotion to them for a certain amount of time during the day they are not there. But if the slave gets really nothing out of it then at some point this type of ritual is not really benefiting anyone and at worse is burdensome. If this happens to a ritual where no one really is getting the benefit of it then think about adjusting it or just no longer having it in the relationship. For this example, maybe have the slave just say something to their owner that goes in this direction when the owner is present.

4) Have some fun with them. – So many times in so many areas I see people wanting to know what others have in their relationship in terms of rules and rituals like they are looking for ideas for themselves. Rules and rituals are about creating an atmosphere that reminds all participants their place in the relationship and that comes with enjoying that place. If the owner or even the slave has a particular thing they would like to emphasize in their relationship then think what types of rules and rituals can help emphasize that. For example many of our rules and rituals are for reminders of my Master that he can inflict pain on me at anytime. This is done mostly out of motivation for him to indulge in his sadism lusts and to overcome a lifetime of being the good guy.

5) Cool and/or intense has nothing to do with it. – Some rules and rituals that really help out the relationship can be quite corny or a lame stereotype. But if they work who cares. Overtime these things can blend in like most things in life that we do over and over again. Judging a rule or ritual primarily on how intense they are to one or both is building up expectations too high that will be tough to sustain. Rules and rituals enhance the power exchange dynamic of one’s relationship and they do not make or change it.

6) Re-visit them once and awhile. – People adapt and life changes. What was a beneficial and nice ritual may have become useless with neither party getting anything out of it, time to change it, dump it or replace it.

Here are five examples of rules & rituals that William and I have in our Master/slave TPE relationship

1) After most of the day apart (working & miscellaneous), I greet him whether he is coming in the door or me finding him when I come in the door by kneeling and expressing my love and devotion to him and our dynamic in a very brief way.


Fairly common ritual and trust me the sayings I normally come up with cause us more to laugh then any other emotion. In terms of intensity pretty minimal but in terms of effectiveness it helps both of us quite a bit. One or both of us have just spent a day in the regular world. This ritual is good for us because it resets the world for us and helps us remember and separate the difference between the world and our dynamic. This is not any different then the couple that always greets each other by hugging and smooching. Short term issues and problems can help lose focus of how we really feel and like to feel.

2) When Master is done in the bedroom before starting his day I am to go to the designated chair bare my ass and he will give me five slaps of his hand. Also sometimes he will then have me turn around and hold my hands over my head and he may pinch my nipples.

Many people have rules and rituals in the first thing in the morning stuff. I do not think that is a coincidence even if they have not thought about it. Waking up in a new morning and having something to remind us of our place in the relationship helps get everything off on the right foot. We have weird schedules due to his traveling a lot on business and me working the night shift. Our days of waking up together for the day are limited and we are also still newlyweds we would probably break most of the rituals we would set up. This one helps in it is easy, specific and intense that really helps me greatly focus on my life and duties in a really nice way.

3) Before sitting in the same room with my Master I am to approach and pose in a submissive way and ask permission.

Now Master has never said “no, get out of my face” and the literal translation of my request is not even partly a reason for this ritual. The ritual is in place for both of us to be reminded I am there to serve my owner for his needs and pleasures. The ritual gives him the chance to think as the Master he is by giving pause to a very common regular life thing and going I do or can have something right now. It helps both of us as it is a nicer and easier thought process of asking “do you want anything?” which has vanilla tones and pressure because whether or not he may not want something there is a thought process to me of he must want something. So simple permission allows him to think about indulging and allows me not to focus on doing something to get my slave on but to take his words as end all.

4) When I come home and after I kneel to him I wait to see where he goes or if he is already at a stationary place I then proceed without any acknowledgment or seek out any acknowledgment by him take off all my clothes close to him but not interrupt his sight if he is watching TV for example. I then pause for one minute and after pick up my clothes and go to the bedroom to change into clothes that fit the rules for such thing.

Again this ritual is a reminder to both of us that he is my owner and I am his slave. Like most people when I walk through the door after being gone from home my mind is on all the things I need to do. Even if these things are power exchange things they still are not as important as pleasing my Master in the moment based on what he wants. The truth though is this ritual was started out of the fact my Master likes to pick out what he wants me to wear often enough that I just cannot walk in and be comfortable in automatically dressing myself but not as often that he does it all the time or wants to be burden with me asking all the time. Basically this ritual is asking the question in silence and if he does not speak up then it is my choice within my ordered guidelines.

I would hold up this as an exhibit that can be somewhat redundant to the kneeling ritual and appear a bit silly at least I thought so at first. But the practice of it has been real beneficial. It has given both emphasis and ease in my Master not feeling pressure to pick what I wear but still bring it to his attention if he has a desire. It lets me not have to guess if he wants something specific but at the same time if he says nothing it still focuses me on dressing is for his pleasure and not for my convenience. Plus him seeing me naked and especially if I have some marks on me has instigated a lot of sexual fun we might not have had.

5) At 2pm everyday I either inform him in person on the weekends or text him what I plan on making for dinner that night for him.

This ritual again is a reminder to both of us who is in charge as it allows him to either approve of dinner, by either ignoring or replying so, or allows him to tell me if he wants something different. This gives him active control without the burden of coming up with what I should make and it allows me comfort in knowing what I will make is fine with him.

I specifically used these five examples as they demonstrate to me just how all of them take routine daily things and put the Master/slave dynamic right out in the open. But at the same time none of these rituals requires any significant time or additional thought/effort then normal if one is not feeling it. None of these things are not daily on a regular basis with all couples but we just have re-enforced the M/s dynamic and not let regular life cloud over it. So kneeling to greet instead of or additional to hugs and smooches. Swats on my ass instead of just “I love you. See you tonight”. There is no burden of having my owner decide what for me to wear and make for dinner but there is a strong reminder to both that it is still his complete decision to exercise and not lost by regular life and many days of indifference.

Rules and rituals play an important part of steadying the ride that M/s relationships can take place. They are not always about intensity and bringing out the more severe things but often can be about both people focusing and paying attention to all the little things whether preventing doubt or burdening one or both with endless thoughts and questions on a daily basis. Well designed and thought out rules and rituals enhance the atmosphere of a M/s relationship while often help lessen the burden of both people in it from alway having to work on it.