Lin’s M/s TPE Blog

Natural vs Object

2010-02-15T13:19:00.006-06:00

The not so fine line between these two wrong ways

When we seek our other for a Master/slave relationship often these two concepts collide and can doom the most promising of starts. On the one hand we have the human tendency to try to satisfy needs and strong desires that we will often rush or push others into situations to get them satisfied. The potential dangerous result being that we can objectify the other person in the equation. On the other hand we as humans also tend to not want to make a conscious effort in often the things that mean the most to us. We often then rely on letting things unfold in a “natural” way. But this is really more code for what we really do and that is be passive and react hoping things work the way we want them to in the end.

The best example I can use is sex and how people go about deciding when to have it in a relationship. Some people want it as soon as possible to satisfy their sexual desires while other people like to wait until they have very genuine feelings for the person they are seeing. The fact is there is no right or wrong answer to which is the best way. The sex before feelings can be an objectifying experience for example one might feel do they like me for who I am or that I am giving them orgasms. The other way is to spend a great deal of time with someone that our time and emotional investment is so great that between the pressure to then make sex work for both or to find out that the two people together are not sexually very compatible and a bad breakup is inevitable.

The reality from my eyes is most human beings never give any of this any serious thought or effort. That most human beings let their personality, past experiences and the personal issues that result from those two things and let those things blindly go about how they seek out relationships and try to live them. This is where you get the age old issue that is a huge problem in power exchange dynamic relationships and we get the “this is what I want” that then gets worked back into “this is how it should be/will be”. Far too often we do not want to work for what we truly desire and want in our power exchange relationship but at the same time we do not want a relationship that is false and blows up because we objectified the other and the roles we played at more then felt.

In the next two sections I am going to point out to me the issues when we have defaulted too much to one of these things that can create a big problem when striving for a power exchange relationship in a long term and loving one.

“Human beings default to vanilla”

In probably the past five years this quote that I read on a message board, and I apologize for not remembering where or who, was the shortest pure truths I have ever read about people and power exchange relationships.

The word natural that gets tossed around when discussing this life is 99% of the time used as a code word for two things.

1) Cool Factor Disease – as a person thinking they are a better slave then others the more they proclaim themselves to be more natural at their core then others they see and hear call themselves slaves.

2) A term used to run away from personal responsibility in these types of relationships. You will often see many people claiming themselves a master or a slave in a significant power exchange relationship then literally at the same time sprint away from what we discuss in specifics about this life. Things brought up like control, obedience, rules, rituals, punishment, active leadership and others many when faced with the specifics of these will use the phrase “I am a natural dominant/submissive” and therefore do not need to do these things.

But the truth is we are not natural anything when M/s is our dynamic. Yes we have to have personalities and be drawn to this life in a natural strong way but that only gets us to the door. We in the end to default to vanilla and the vanilla in us acts in a way that makes our preferences and wishes to be whatever is the easiest and most convenient for us. We as human beings do this everyday. We judge our wishes and preferences as right or better and anything that is different or goes against ours as wrong or worse. For example, we pass a car on the highway that car is going too slow but another car passes us that car is going too fast.

Trying to let the power exchange dynamic in a new relationship develop in a natural way by time and feelings is doomed for failure if that is all that is going to happen as we humans default to vanilla. All this is going to do is make each person just be themselves and expect the other person in their relationship to turn into their perfect vision of a master or slave. This will never happen and bitterness and frustration will slowly build and erode a once promising relationship.

Objectify to the point of not knowing

When we rush into power exchange and/or doing kinky things we often do this because our strong desires for these things have built up after too much time without and instead of learning about each other and walking down the path together we sprint without thought to the other. The end we end up objectifying the other person or feel objectified by the other and many times both and then everything is so artificial the relationship has nowhere to go but to collapse.

We as human beings are born natural role players. But also for all of us playing roles drains us of energy that will eventually burn us out. We see this and often do this all the time when we first start seeing someone and like them that we will present a fairytale version of ourselves that is not really the actual version. A slob home will be cleaner when the other visits then normal. The meals fixed will be better and made with pretend joy of cooking for many. But over time the act cannot be kept up and we revert to how we are. The person comes over to a pig sty and the meals cooked become few and far between with no joy to do so communicated.

The problem in doing this with power exchange is that we objectify the other person to become an act or expect them to be an act and fail to work with them how they are and what they need to be the role we both desire them to be. The dominant who after a few dates hands over a slave contract in essence is asking the other to take on a role. A submissive wanting to be bossed around after the same amount of time is asking a dominant to take on a role. Out of desire one or both eagerly accept the situation and then we have one or two people playing roles that drain them of energy as opposed to being themselves in power exchange roles that fit and feed them energy. Then one or both eventually stop playing the role and the other is left wondering what happen or blame the other as being a poser.

This objectifying tends to hurt power exchange relationships when one or both jump into the kinky sex aspects and ignore the power exchange connections to these acts. People end up getting their sexual needs taken care of but now have come to associate kinky sex as always mutual fun. When often many of the kinky things done in master/slave relationships are strong physical manifestations of power being exchange critical of keeping the mindset and atmosphere of the relationship a power based one. That rushing too fast into kink and too specifically just for pleasure we have not only objectified the other person but we have objectified the acts themselves that will potentially damage the journey toward a power dynamic.

Middle ground and accepting we will need to get out of our comfort zone

The fact is somewhere between the extreme of just natural or too fast we objectify the person, acts or the dynamic is the key to building the foundation to a great and healthy master/slave relationship dynamic. We have to accept just being ourselves and expecting the other to rise up to our fantasy version of the other role is a ludicrous idea. We have to accept that feelings for another does not make us change into a role. We have to accept playing a role will not transform us into being happy playing that role permanently.

The reality is that either role master or slave means working at times in an unnatural way specifically on our role in the relationship. This does mean for a slave things will be done we will not enjoy or want to do often on a daily basis but still the overall life of a slave makes us happier then if we are in a regular relationship. It means as a dominant that being actively assertive and in charge comes with making decisions and leading when you are not feeling like it or do not see the point. The more you wan the other to be less vanilla like the more we must accept that we cannot act in a vanilla way ourselves.

The reality means that rushing to the fun things can make us role players that burn out one or both. That working hard with mutual effort to have our fantasy version of the other takes time, constant communication and working outside are comfort zone of us defaulting to vanilla all the while expecting the other to not be vanilla. In a long term power exchange relationship we cannot just turn on the dynamic no matter how much time together and feelings developed between us and think the danger of role play burnout has been minimalized.

The dynamic takes work and commitment from the start and each and everyday we live it. It has to be within us but we also need to make sure we feed the other what they need so they can feed us in return. We need to make sure we do not role play out of wishing for what we want or from our feelings we have developed for our other and we need to keep our eyes open that our other is not role playing as well.

People succeed in things in life because they are motivated, focused and willing to put in the work to do so and this includes people in relationships.

Fear of Subjugation

2010-01-29T23:31:00.006-06:00

In the end the title of this entry is the base of every happy and loving Master/slave relationship. But for many of us who this wonderful relationship dynamic is the best fit for us and one we dream about to outright crave. But the fear of actually having the actions of such control, domination and enslavement or be enslaved for both roles is often our own personal thrown up road block that prevents us from having what we seem to desire so much.

Being paralyzed by either the fear of living a relationship dynamic so different then the ones we more commonly see or the fear of ignoring or being judged by traditional society values weighs so many down not only in being able to take the leap but being able to find the person to take the leap with. Now closing in on fifteen years in being involved in the life and most of that time living as a slave I have found this to be a cruel ironic fate that plagues the dynamic I am so fond and zealot about.

The fog of the fine line

My path in this life was one that slave does fit the best for me and always has. I am all about being in a severe power exchange relationship that is strongly sexual with kinky things. I doubt that would ever change. But what interests me when I seek out to reflect about my interests and learn more about myself and this type of dynamic has. I have ventured more and more away from the places where M/s is discussed and kinky things mentioned and I find myself more and more getting those needs met by going to places where taken in hand is openly discussed. Now again I am not meant for taken in hand nor do I like some of the rationale that some of the people into this dynamic use. But what draws me to spend more time reading about those relationships as opposed to Master/slave relationships how most embrace the subjugation of the woman that is getting more and more difficult to find in the BDSM/power exchange community.

I have always thought that it was some cruel joke how the people who embrace taken in hand and those who embrace Master/salve go about their mindset and hurdling their barrier to live the actual dynamic. In my opinion here are how the two groups go about communicating and stressing in their dynamic:

Taken in Hand – Most taken in hand people who openly discuss the life have little trouble with the concept of the man controlling his woman in an actual real and severe way. The word domination is rarely mentioned but the man controls the world in which the woman lives and he is the center of that world. It is rare to find a woman discussing her relationship or desire to be in one running away from being controlled and dominated but more often then not openly expressing their love for their man that does this to them or wanting to find such a man.

But at the same time they ignore, in denial or run away that in this world the female’s sexuality and openness to be their man’s personal sex dream of femininity and devotion to give him his perfect sex life is a big part of the relationship. They run away from how the punishment dynamic aspects and maintenance spankings are way more similar to kinky things and the turn on of the physical manifestation of the power (leadership) the man has over his woman.

Master/slave – Most in this life at the drop of the hat will talk about all the kinky things and sex stuff. In fact sometimes with passionate and veteran local community people you can get the impression that this life is just scenes. But most sprint from anything that power exchange of any significance outside of broad generic descriptions.

We as a group tend to hide from the control and domination that is there in actual Master/slave relationships. Sure we here the generic a slave “obeys” and “puts their masters desires above her own” but anything deeper is rarely talked about in any realistic or in depth fashion. Instead we get fantasy fiction of a slave of twenty years being giddy about doing laundry and every order and action is practically orgasmic. Men run from talking about the enjoyment and desires to control and dominate a woman they care for and replace it by trying to steal good qualities most strive for and all think they have and act like they are special and that is what a dominant is. Dominants instead of showing themselves as actual leaders with visions and passion for such a controlling dynamic instead act like they are life coaches and used car salesman promoting that heaven has been the destiny of all women that they have touched.

Rock and a hard place

To me this is where way too much of the public communication of M/s has ended up. We have two wrongs discussed in black and white and neither represents the reality of a Master/slave total power exchange relationship and the happiness and pleasure for those drawn to one feel. We have the devil promotion of look out for all the dangerous abusers and the mentally insane or not dealing with their issues that quote the definition of a slave out of a book or think a woman in the modern world can be really treated like chattel as the rock. Then as the hard space we have the men that describe a life of sheer perfection where the master knows all and everything he does is a benefit of his slave and slaves acting like they have never not done anything order by or done by their owner that was not a sheer joy to do.

But all of this is not reality in terms of day to day life. More importantly to this entry it is does not communicate anything that inspires and draws people into the life and for which I mean people already drawn to the life but for some reason not able to hurdle their own fears and try to go for a real Master/slave relationship. The communication of this life from the Internet, the learning of how to attract a top/bottom to do a scene in the local communities that is promoted as how “real” people in the life should do and be like and the fear mongers trying to scare everyone out there, we have made this life so uninspiring that it might have made it far more difficult to inspire someone to make the leap.

It is in a lot of my blog entries and is quite common in all forms of communication even the romantic fictional stuff but:

Dominant is a leader and leaders lead. Submissive is a follower who follows one they cherish and are inspired to.

But the communication of this life you can be hard pressed to feel many dominants as true leaders. Most come off as boring clichéd addicted and uninspiring beggars wanting a slave. Women who do have deep desires and a slave life would be so great seem so scared of actually admitting they are a follower and desire enslavement that it is tough to tell if they are trying to fool themselves or others.

This is at what the heart of my message in this blog. People drawn to Master/slave severe power relationships are actually drawn to actual subjugation which is actual things like control/being controlled, dominated/dominating and being enslaved by or lover/enslaving their lover. But between regular society pounding it into our heads that this is wrong and the local community addicts telling everyone this life should be just like negotiating with an acquaintance at a local dungeon to do a scene too many run away from communicating what attracts/draws us to wanting an M/s relationship in the first place. It is the far too common societal passive aggressive self inflicted mortal wound that prevents too many from the leap to find their other and live in an M/s dynamic relationship. The failure to leap is a problem with both roles and genders and not just one.

Taken in Hand shows not all are afraid of this type of communication

I do not agree with a lot of their justifications and they have plenty that communicate self esteem issues just like people in this life. But many are not afraid to embrace and talk on topics that may be sometimes light on powerful words like control and dominate but the communication is often way more direct and powerful in actual support of those words. But far too often people in the M/s life run away from those words. Control gets shot down by people sprinting toward not wanting “micromanagement”. Domination gets shot down by not wanting or being a doormat. Reality mixed with what inspires us to want an M/s dynamic relationship gets shout down by romantic dribble that this life can be a true fairytale experience.

Making the leap often will mean for many if the possibility of getting what they ache for out feels their fear of the unknown and societal judgment

The man who can come off as sane but dominant and has a vision for what they want in their life that is inspirational to a woman whose best destiny is living life as a slave can make a woman to take that leap. But unfortunately too many men choose to display their peacock feathers in ways that are simply uninspiring and often quite submissive in their communication. While adapting local community public protocol as “the way” or running away from words like control, domination and other strong vision inducing words they become quite submissive in their words and actions. The unfortunate byproduct of these dances is not to draw a woman to leap like they want but just the opposite and to repel them from leaping as the possibility of getting what they ache for seems like a long shot.

The woman that can come off as sane but deeply submissive and is not afraid of communication that can show this to prospective dominant can get exposed to far more dominants that will inspire them. Dominants are not super human or perfect human beings. They do not like being rejected or labeled a bad thing like anyone else. If they feel fear in expressing their true desires or think that is not the way to lure a woman then they will not do so and a woman will not get the rewards.

We can choose to dance in an honest and direct way or we can choose to dance in fear and misdirection. Those who choose the path of honest and direct from both genders are far more likely to find their special someone and live the dynamic they have probably dreamed about for a long time.

People that were meant for being a master or a slave in a severe power exchange relationship do not run away from words such as control, power, domination and enslavement but are drawn to and inspired to have them in their life.

More Personal

2009-04-24T15:42:00.001-05:00

Doublenot in this entry in her blog wrote about the lack of a lot of personal information in blogs and in particular the way some of this information that shows we all do not live in fairytale relationships and real life still dominates our life. Now from the time I started my blog and I will continue to do so because it is not only my nature but what motivates me to write is more only topics, theories and intellectual thoughts and practices of power exchange relationships. I do make a point to poke holes in the fairytales we sometimes weave in this life but I am not really offer up my real time and problems.

I thought I would just randomly spill out some personal info on me and my relationship in some sporadic no order of importance or any semblance of a theme or point.

Here are ten detailed things and maybe do this more often if I am comfortable.

1) Biggest thing I struggle with in our relationship is the lack of time we have together. My previous two serious relationships my owners never traveled and in fact worked the same place I did. My Master travels quite a bit and between that and my job makes a lot of alone time I am not use to and cause more roller coaster ride then I like.

2) I have never had a serious relationship that was not M/s. Never had a teenage love affair thing and chased different sexual relationships until being introduced to this life at twenty. I have not once even thought about seeing what a regular relationship was like.

3) I rarely struggle with obedience but struggle and cause problems with my Master when he does things I am use to doing. Fill my day up with orders I am perfectly fine and probably more then fine but quite happy. But for William to clean or cook something see me unravel and get all kinds of uncomfortable and stressed out. I stress myself out at the drop of a hat. To find the kitchen cleaned two days before I was to normally clean it will paralyze me as I obsess over if William thought I should have already done a deep cleaning but more often thinking about how it throws off my schedule and how to get back on it.

4) I am not an adrenaline addict. I have been accused of this often by people who see kinky slave and ER nurse. I have a phobia about motorcycles and see no reason to jump out of an airplane or bungee jump. My mind is super fast and the chaos of the ER really helps me function best.

5) Our biggest issue as a couple is my job. William loves what he does and enjoys doing it. He still after all this time cannot understand that I feel the same way when he often sees me come back from a shift exhausted, mad, frustrated or near tears. One of the things I stated and kept firm when looking for my owner was that I would be allowed to work full time and in the area I wanted. William has already got me to part time and keeps trying to get me out of the ER and that talk never ends up just being a talk.

6) My Mom knows I am into S&M. I do not know if she knows about M/s although I would not bet a dime she does not know. She saw me enough times with bruises that we had quite the talk one day. I am almost positive my Dad knows as well but enjoys the do not ask do not tell. In terms of them accepting my Master, my brother said it best to William when he was worried about it “You got Lin to agree to being married and think about having children. You could have been an imprisoned serial killer and not only gotten our Mom’s blessing but she would have helped you escape.”

7) The one kinky thing you will never see me comment on or write about is orgasm control. I have heard all the reasons for why to do it and why it is enjoyable for both sides over and over but I still basically cannot process it in my brain. I am thankful my first owners were basically the opposite of this in which they believed I sexually served them and my orgasms were great but irrelevant unless at the time they specifically wanted to see me orgasm.

8) I despise drama in people. Of course plenty of drama queens and kings out there in great relationships but I do not know how they can do it. I am generally a patient person but people that need to make a big deal out of everything that they come up against or feel I usually have very violent thoughts against. I will never understand how someone can care so much where they go to eat or in a great long term relationship the other says one thing that is not a major thing but makes one obsess and re-think prior well proven thoughts.

9) I do not nor have ever journal for myself or my Master. – I can scream and write open and forward communication like everyone else in keeping people on the same page and not letting problems build and fester until they are well blown out of proportion but I have no formal way of nipping those things in the bud. We sometimes if have big things particularly when new would have scheduled sit down talk out things and still have those here and there. But most of the time I still need to get the nerve to bring things up the old fashion way.

10) We have the most common wishes for our other, he wishes I would initiate more the sexual and kinky things and I wish he would be more indulgent and rougher in his use of me. We have a history of each going bouts where I am doing hints and passive aggressive behaviors to get laid and kink done to me and he sometimes forgets just how much I love serving him and cruelty towards me and starts playing regular husband into kinky mutual enjoyable sex.

No Chance

2009-04-20T10:26:00.005-05:00

Hang around in cyber, local communities or talk to enough dominants you will come across two theories in this life that it saddens me people often give thought and reflection to. 1) A dominant should not love their submissive/slave. 2) A dominant has to not need their slave as much as their salve needs them or they will be powerless.

Now probably most of you reading this go that is just stupid but still I am stunned just how many pause and give this thought especially new people into the life that often these confused dominants try to prey on.

Insecurity is a factor in this life

People do not like to talk about this and whenever I have brought up in the past especially in person or on a message board people will often line up to bash me but insecurity of the other leaving is a driving force behind power exchange relationships. Notice I did not say only, biggest or major but for most people this is a reason of some consequence.

From a dominant’s standpoint things like bowing, statements of devotion and seeing their submissive sacrifice for them goes into the feeding of the insecurity of look how much they care for me and therefore will not leave me. From a submissive’s all these things we do to please them and put them first goes into the feeding of our insecurity of them leaving us. That if we do these things and keep them happy they will not leave us.

No human does not have some insecurities and for most in power exchange the other leaving us is an insecurity that we share. But for those where it goes to becoming unhealthy, dangerous and unchecked is when people act on it in a severe and life controlling way. Dominants who obsess over needing the other less are dealing with unhealthy insecurity of have a big issue of not being able to handle well if the other person leaves them.

These can be very dangerous people at worse and at best are incredibly needy people which go for submissives as well if they are unhealthy about worrying their other will dump them.

What’s love got to do with it?

Most human beings want and need love in our relationships. But love and the ability to give it and accept it ranges greatly in human beings. We though as human beings often do not like to admit that to ourselves and when the more love express/needed person falls for someone they tend to assume that everyone is like them exactly and therefore if this person loves and cares for them they will respond in kind. But not all human beings are capable of loving or showing/giving it.

To ask most people, including people in this life, that love is a critical component in a successful and healthy long term relationship, but the truth is it is not a must have for some to have a successful and long term relationship. I am pretty sure we all know others who are in long term relationships that do not seem to be loving ones that the people seem perfectly fine with them. Whether an older couple that relies on one to take care of the other physically while the other takes care of them financially and for whatever reason these relationships do in fact exist.

The fact is love in a relationship and the need to feel and give it are compatibility things for two people. For some it has to ooze out of everything in the relationship and for some does not or cannot even be in their relationships. But for most of us including power exchange couples it is somewhere in between those two extremes and it is important for all couples that love is involved.

Regular relationship rules apply

One of the biggest mistakes many people make when they get into this life even when they have significant experience in it is to discount or think that because of the power exchange and how they fit it that human behavior and needs somehow become greatly different. That power exchange relationships transcend regular relationship dynamics because they are special! It is one of the fairytales of this life.

It is buying into this myth that is the cornerstone of the reasons and motivations of the most common mistakes in these relationships. That people, especially dominants, decide what they want whether overall or in the moment and then work there way back to a power exchange theory that supports it. This is what goes on when a dominant states that one should not love their slave. The truth is most dominants promoting that do not want an all encompassing relationship or have limited or no ability to give love to another.

This is the same thinking along the lines of a dominant stating one cannot get married to their slave. All that actually means is they do not want to get married for the usual reasons people do not want to get married and no power exchange special reason other than trying to fool themselves or their other that it is not a regular old human reason.

We can be compatible, not compatible, get fooled or get played

In the end we are either going to be on the same page, be the right fit and have the timing of all it right or we will not be. Power exchange cannot quench the thirst of an unhealthy insecurity, shore up perceived lack of character traits many want from another and protect oneself from slights of the past or fears of the future whether realistic or imaginary. A person may or may not need love in their relationship but no wishful theory in the world can get a person who needs it to be with one who cannot or will not give it.

No relationship has a chance if one is obsessed over who needs the other more and actually thinks that dictates what can go on in a power exchange relationship. People require at the minimal when in long term relationships is to feel the other one is deeply committed to the other through the thick and thin. For most but not all that includes love as a critical component and not obsessing over an insecurity or dealing with a person who makes us jump through that hoop.

Labels – Why the Drama?

2009-04-16T07:13:00.002-05:00

In writing my blog I try to only write on a topic that I am inspired/get my dandruff up by something. I also in thinking and looking for ideas tend to keep a list of topics I would like to write on but just have not felt to inspiration to. One of those topics that has been on the list for a long time now is labels.

Now I could right on labels in some detail but after reading the blog Laurie’s-ramblings of a madwoman and her excellent post on labels there is no need to write anything in detail about this topic. At best it would be a poor imitation and at worse probably some subconscious plagiarism. So all I will do is mention it here add one thing and if anyone is interested in how too many of the people in this life obsess over labels please read her post.

My two cents worth, labels are necessary for giving basic information to people and that is about it. To call oneself a slave in this life to someone they probably will guess you are not a Saturday night bottom at a local dungeon only player. It does mean much more then that or even if they agree or not but know something to infer, ask or just chat about.

Most of us tend to only go that far with the labels we deal with on an everyday basis. But some go way too far. I find that it is quite ironic that the people who go out of their way to rant against labels give them often more value then anyone else.

Emotional Masochism

2009-04-14T14:16:00.005-05:00

I have been reluctant about writing about this topic that is near and dear to my heart out of defiance more then anything else. You see I am an emotional masochist which is why I am such a big fan of degradation and humiliation play. But unfortunately there is a huge double standard in our huge tent when there is talk on this subject. You see because physical masochism gets pretty much a free pass. If one likes physical pain inflicted on them you pretty much get a free pass from all the safety police, directed at you personally not the acts, and all the non physical masochists stay away from the subject.

But for the people like me who are emotional masochists we get no luxury. Whenever the topic of humiliation or degradation comes up or if the specific topic of emotional masochism comes up the safety police come out in droves to talk about stranger’s personal issues and everyone and their mothers often feel free to wade on the subject regardless even if they are clearly not even remotely this way.

My protest was always in a silent way to not treat physical masochism and emotional masochism any different because if you are one or both of them then you are and most things talked about into this area apply even if they may apply differently. But I decided I wanted to write my view on emotional masochism. I am going to be brief because I think this is a topic that prevails itself to either brief or go way deep but in between can be confusing. I will end with me attacking the myths that are promoted.

What is emotional masochism?

I want to give two ways to describe it then go into types.

1) Do you enjoy a sad movie or television program where a character makes you cry? – Many of us do otherwise many movies and television shows would not have these elements in them. Well for an emotional masochist we might really love to have a “good” cry. It might be enjoyable in the moment or it might be the feeling afterwards but some way we like to cry or feel bad as it does not have to be about crying.

2) The enjoyment/pleasure/need of releasing junk deep with ourselves that is quite negative whether we believe it and often when even if we know and do not believe it. This venting of negative junk allows a person to feel more relaxed or feel more pleasurable things that the negative junk might have been blocking.

I know/categorize or for ease three types. I am not claiming this is all or even right but just from my experiences and observations. I am also not discussing levels to simplify it as well. Just like all other people with interests, issues and preferences they come with levels. To assume worse case scenario for each is just as idiotic as to assume very light for each as well.

1) People who have prior abuse that has caused an abnormal amount of self hatred with themselves. – Often people with such an endless source of self hatred from suffering from abuse as a child that they often have trouble feeling anything nice. Often without a safe way to vent this will act out in very self destructive ways. For some their emotional masochism that along with many other factors wonder into the kinky sex area and find an outlet to let out the bad so they can feel the good.

2) People who have internal conflicts of what they feel and what society has preached or doing individual things to how we think they should have gone. They feel but do not express for various reasons like non emotional that way or living up to society behavior so it gets stuck inside them. – This is basically how I am. I will stress myself out trying to be something I do not have to be or intellectually know I have to be but none the less I do it. People like me this is pretty much hardwired into us in such a way that we naturally without reason stress ourselves out.

3) Number two above but with specifically sexual in nature. – Probably the most common one in society. This is for whatever reason a person who cannot reconcile what most people find is healthy sexuality with their mind pretty much all sex is issues and screwed up in some way. The classic good girls do not do that type thoughts. So puncturing those feelings to vent out and let the fun sex feeling their body truly craves is a fairly common thing. Think the classic “I am a slut for my Master” or “You are such a slut. You cannot get enough of my cock” type phrases people do with each other.

Myths of Emotional Masochism

1) Without years of experience as a top it can be very dangerous. – One of things I despise the most and there is probably no way of getting around it is the mixing in of the ego with actual safety talk. This is one of the reasons. Once again we are talking about professional dommes and people who play on a local community level confusing the dangers of playing with strangers in general compared to people playing in loving healthy long term relationships. We are talking about these people confusing other people who are not self aware or dealing with issues unchecked and therefore self medicating that can cross the line to people who do deal with there issues and are self medicating in a safe and healthy way.

Because to think only an emotional masochist can be in this life and not be dealing with bigger issues that could explode on them as opposed to the other things we do is absurd. This is the double standard I talked about previously. This is the be careful of prior abuse shouted from the rooftop whenever these things are mentioned but silenced about past physical abuse when an S&M subject comes up about the dangers in the mind. Or people who are quick to discard themselves and lose themselves into a fairytale image of a slave these people often do not mention or talk about.

If a person is not stable, not dealing or cannot handle their own reactions the it is not skill but sheer stupidity and dangerous irresponsible behavior to be playing with people like this in the first place.

2) The play that emotional masochists are often into is dangerous and can cause damage easily. – This is the most ignorant of all the reasons out there about play like this. Unfortunately it is prevalent because many in this life suffer to some various degree of the cool factor disease. The cool factor disease in summary is the thought of the more power given over and the fewer limits one has makes them better then others. So many who want to try all the bells and whistles in this life but instead of going “oh well, just not for me” instead get their ego tied up into it and make it “this is very dangerous”.

How this comes into play is when people start exploring the area where emotional masochists flourish like humiliation and degradation type stuff. Since there are many that on some level like some of these things on a very light and harmless way (think again of it is cool to feel like a filthy slut during sex sometimes with hubby) that when there is an attempt to go deeper it can be bad and dangerous. But the reason should be in big neon lighted lights, MAYBE BECAUSE THERE IS NO EMOTIONAL MASOCHISM IN YOU!

Once again double standard, as people in this life automatically accept physical pain. But the fact is take a cane to the average person and see if that is not dangerous from a mental standpoint because guess what, it is! Play that goes directly with emotions is a separate play that physical S&M is and on and on with the types of play. People with the cool factor disease are usually more trying to explain why there not into something then accepting others are going to be different from them.

3) That this play can add to the issues of an emotional masochist. – Most if not all emotional masochist that are drawn to this type of play are drawn based on two things. 1) They are harder on themselves then any other person or society. 2) It is an outlet to vent these feelings and not intake them.

The person who feels worthless and cannot find a way to vent it is not getting this feeling by others directly. The person feeling worthless is certainly not getting it directly from the person they love and respect in an ongoing relationship. So some random play that taps these feelings and lets them come out and it is not about stuffing more of these feelings in to a person explodes.

Again, someone’s cane to the tits is deeply enjoyable is another’s abuse chant. Well an emotional masochist might prefer to be totally degraded by their owner as incredibly enjoyable similar to a physical masochist getting their tits worked over.

4) Nobody should be self medicating. – Then there would be no one left on earth. We all self medicate. Whether eating comfort food when we are sad or stressed or flirt or masturbate when our sex life is not satisfactory. It is not that self medicating is bad but that unhealthy self medicating is bad. It is the eating of comfort food until we are morbidly obese, diabetic and with severe heart problems or we start of having affairs and risky sex in these examples.

But if one knows, recognizes and deals with their issues and enjoyments in a healthy way then we call that a person with their act together. Well for an emotional masochists dealing with what we enjoys means in a safe contained way from a good cry watching a sad movie to some of the darker play in this life. Like other stuff they all can be an instrument of good and bad. A person could watch endless sad movies and become physically depressed or a person seeks out getting treated like crap only from another and not have the goodness in the relationship for the same examples.

Emotional masochists are out there and take general pleasure in many things most do not in life including many in this life that openly accept physical pain as being a part of this life. Just like a regular person might see through their eyes at what you do and think it is dangerous and questionable people often in this life see what emotional masochists gravitate to and think dangerous and questionable. But if it is a healthy fit that view is just as crazy as many of the people who get so frustrated and/or hide out of fear from letting regular people know what makes them happy.

We are all not the same and certain things done in scope and intensity in this life are done the same for the same reasons. Some of us really dig being humiliated and degraded a deep enough way by our loved one.

Random Opinions II

2009-04-10T15:29:00.006-05:00

I think nothing scares dominants more then when submissives communicate of real time experience of their other stop being committed to the dynamic and stopped all active domination and play/scenes. So many try for the obedient spouse/maid, cook and whore with a great attitude that whenever real life people point out the real life failures of the dominant not holding up their end it scares them because many are that way and just do not have the domination within them. That many truly are just about do those things and tell me what you need and I will give it and think that can actually work. Time after time I see dominants respond with the most idiotic and ill thought out garbage when replying to specific and clear examples like they are being questioned by police and are trying to think of an alibi.

Being open to power exchange and BDSM and being open and adventurous sexually are completely two different things and often if both are wanted in a relationship that the hurdle of a person(s) with society values and raised beliefs are not tied together. For some they may mirror but for many one of them might be more difficult and possibly not going to be able to do. So one may become a freak in bed but never get comfortable with power exchange and vice versa. Just because someone is one of these things does not make them the other or easily converted. That goes for males and dominants as well.

People into poly need to do a much better job in promoting their ways. My first relationship was poly and quite successful in the fact it was not suppose to go on forever and they are still close friends who actually traveled to Taiwan to be guests at my wedding. So I am far from being against poly or think it cannot work. But poly people are often so defensive about their preferences for the life they can often act like a cult. What I mean by that is anything that people point out about problems and difficulties that outsiders bring up or people with past bad experiences in poly they circle the wagons and usually snipe back. I feel until poly people act in a more open and honest way in discussing the problems of poly and admit many in poly looking for thirds or go through thirds all the time are not good poly people or in it for good reasons. Until they do more of this then they will still get treated like a cult and have a tough time finding people to join them.

I feel maybe because of being submissive or being raised in Eastern culture make me somehow too harsh with this view but I always feel that too many women who are more prone to easiness and comfort of habit that keep their hair short and dress in a less then feminine way hurt their relationships. Often when I hear women complain their men no longer touch them that often or other even some of the more tame affectionate things I look at how they present themselves and want to blurt out why would he. I am not a believer of the poetic prose of that long hair and always wear outfits like dresses and skirts at all times be attractive is HOW a woman is naturally to be. But if we love our other and accept men are visually stimulated then I do not know why a woman does not make an effort to look appealing to their man. There is a reason early on in a power exchange relationship a male owner will often order the hair grown longer and the clothes more feminine worn by their slave.

I wish more women would be more secure in most things not based on a relationship so they can have more courage to leave crappy relationships and find ones that work for them. I also feel that more women need to stop thinking of a man as an entertainment device first then worry about long term compatibility things later.

I wish there was a remedial school for power exchange relationships. Every time a man talks only about the toys they are forced to take the class and every time a woman communicates a Master is suppose to be Prince Charming they have to take the course as well.

Rules & Rituals

2009-04-07T10:59:00.006-05:00

I wanted to write a lot briefer then I normally do on this topic and then be more personal then I normally am and show some examples of the ones in my life.

First I do not quite know what the difference sometimes between a rule and a ritual when it comes to the ritual part. Is it a rule how one may greet their owner or is it a ritual. I know a straight rule like no wearing sweats when the temperature is above sixty for example.

Rules and Rituals is a pet topic for me as I believe they are critical in having a healthy 24/7 M/s relationship. I wrote in more detail why in the sister pet topic atmosphere. These two topics tend to overlap as I tend to think of rules and rituals to be the backbone of keeping up a healthy power exchange atmosphere within a relationship. These two topics and how they often get clouded up and mistreated by people in far lesser power exchange dynamics (in scope not how good) and those with the cool factor disease were one of my motivations to start this blog and spend less time on message boards.

So instead of another entry of broad theory I thought it would be different to give some quick thoughts on developing beneficial rules and rituals and then use some as my own as example.

Basic and primitive guidelines

1) Not too many but not none as well. – It is the biggest gripe among people who do not want these things in their life that it burdens them more then anything. Certainly too many can contribute to the burdening. I am guessing the leading cause of having too many in a relationship is because people thinking of ones they might like or read of rules and rituals in other M/s relationships that people just add them with no thought to why outside of thinking they would be cool and fun. I think a good way to see if you need a ritual or rule is for both to monitor their life and see a particular time frame or situation that is routine that one or both struggle to deal with their perspective roles and duties in the relationship can be a good place to put something in.

2) Have a good motivation for a rule or ritual. – I believe any rules and ritual can be good as long as one of the person’s directly involved will feel more dominant or submissive because of it therefore enhancing the power exchange atmosphere. I do not believe both have to get something out of it. I also believe that if an owner has a preference then it can be perfectly great as well. But the best rules and rituals will have a better reason then “because I say so” even if it is as simple as “I really like you doing that”.

3) If a tree falls in the woods does it make a sound. – An owner may really like the idea of their slave contemplating their love and devotion to them for a certain amount of time during the day they are not there. But if the slave gets really nothing out of it then at some point this type of ritual is not really benefiting anyone and at worse is burdensome. If this happens to a ritual where no one really is getting the benefit of it then think about adjusting it or just no longer having it in the relationship. For this example, maybe have the slave just say something to their owner that goes in this direction when the owner is present.

4) Have some fun with them. – So many times in so many areas I see people wanting to know what others have in their relationship in terms of rules and rituals like they are looking for ideas for themselves. Rules and rituals are about creating an atmosphere that reminds all participants their place in the relationship and that comes with enjoying that place. If the owner or even the slave has a particular thing they would like to emphasize in their relationship then think what types of rules and rituals can help emphasize that. For example many of our rules and rituals are for reminders of my Master that he can inflict pain on me at anytime. This is done mostly out of motivation for him to indulge in his sadism lusts and to overcome a lifetime of being the good guy.

5) Cool and/or intense has nothing to do with it. – Some rules and rituals that really help out the relationship can be quite corny or a lame stereotype. But if they work who cares. Overtime these things can blend in like most things in life that we do over and over again. Judging a rule or ritual primarily on how intense they are to one or both is building up expectations too high that will be tough to sustain. Rules and rituals enhance the power exchange dynamic of one’s relationship and they do not make or change it.

6) Re-visit them once and awhile. – People adapt and life changes. What was a beneficial and nice ritual may have become useless with neither party getting anything out of it, time to change it, dump it or replace it.

Here are five examples of rules & rituals that William and I have in our Master/slave TPE relationship

1) After most of the day apart (working & miscellaneous), I greet him whether he is coming in the door or me finding him when I come in the door by kneeling and expressing my love and devotion to him and our dynamic in a very brief way.

Fairly common ritual and trust me the sayings I normally come up with cause us more to laugh then any other emotion. In terms of intensity pretty minimal but in terms of effectiveness it helps both of us quite a bit. One or both of us have just spent a day in the regular world. This ritual is good for us because it resets the world for us and helps us remember and separate the difference between the world and our dynamic. This is not any different then the couple that always greets each other by hugging and smooching. Short term issues and problems can help lose focus of how we really feel and like to feel.

2) When Master is done in the bedroom before starting his day I am to go to the designated chair bare my ass and he will give me five slaps of his hand. Also sometimes he will then have me turn around and hold my hands over my head and he may pinch my nipples.

Many people have rules and rituals in the first thing in the morning stuff. I do not think that is a coincidence even if they have not thought about it. Waking up in a new morning and having something to remind us of our place in the relationship helps get everything off on the right foot. We have weird schedules due to his traveling a lot on business and me working the night shift. Our days of waking up together for the day are limited and we are also still newlyweds we would probably break most of the rituals we would set up. This one helps in it is easy, specific and intense that really helps me greatly focus on my life and duties in a really nice way.

3) Before sitting in the same room with my Master I am to approach and pose in a submissive way and ask permission.

Now Master has never said “no, get out of my face” and the literal translation of my request is not even partly a reason for this ritual. The ritual is in place for both of us to be reminded I am there to serve my owner for his needs and pleasures. The ritual gives him the chance to think as the Master he is by giving pause to a very common regular life thing and going I do or can have something right now. It helps both of us as it is a nicer and easier thought process of asking “do you want anything?” which has vanilla tones and pressure because whether or not he may not want something there is a thought process to me of he must want something. So simple permission allows him to think about indulging and allows me not to focus on doing something to get my slave on but to take his words as end all.

4) When I come home and after I kneel to him I wait to see where he goes or if he is already at a stationary place I then proceed without any acknowledgment or seek out any acknowledgment by him take off all my clothes close to him but not interrupt his sight if he is watching TV for example. I then pause for one minute and after pick up my clothes and go to the bedroom to change into clothes that fit the rules for such thing.

Again this ritual is a reminder to both of us that he is my owner and I am his slave. Like most people when I walk through the door after being gone from home my mind is on all the things I need to do. Even if these things are power exchange things they still are not as important as pleasing my Master in the moment based on what he wants. The truth though is this ritual was started out of the fact my Master likes to pick out what he wants me to wear often enough that I just cannot walk in and be comfortable in automatically dressing myself but not as often that he does it all the time or wants to be burden with me asking all the time. Basically this ritual is asking the question in silence and if he does not speak up then it is my choice within my ordered guidelines.

I would hold up this as an exhibit that can be somewhat redundant to the kneeling ritual and appear a bit silly at least I thought so at first. But the practice of it has been real beneficial. It has given both emphasis and ease in my Master not feeling pressure to pick what I wear but still bring it to his attention if he has a desire. It lets me not have to guess if he wants something specific but at the same time if he says nothing it still focuses me on dressing is for his pleasure and not for my convenience. Plus him seeing me naked and especially if I have some marks on me has instigated a lot of sexual fun we might not have had.

5) At 2pm everyday I either inform him in person on the weekends or text him what I plan on making for dinner that night for him.

This ritual again is a reminder to both of us who is in charge as it allows him to either approve of dinner, by either ignoring or replying so, or allows him to tell me if he wants something different. This gives him active control without the burden of coming up with what I should make and it allows me comfort in knowing what I will make is fine with him.

I specifically used these five examples as they demonstrate to me just how all of them take routine daily things and put the Master/slave dynamic right out in the open. But at the same time none of these rituals requires any significant time or additional thought/effort then normal if one is not feeling it. None of these things are not daily on a regular basis with all couples but we just have re-enforced the M/s dynamic and not let regular life cloud over it. So kneeling to greet instead of or additional to hugs and smooches. Swats on my ass instead of just “I love you. See you tonight”. There is no burden of having my owner decide what for me to wear and make for dinner but there is a strong reminder to both that it is still his complete decision to exercise and not lost by regular life and many days of indifference.

Rules and rituals play an important part of steadying the ride that M/s relationships can take place. They are not always about intensity and bringing out the more severe things but often can be about both people focusing and paying attention to all the little things whether preventing doubt or burdening one or both with endless thoughts and questions on a daily basis. Well designed and thought out rules and rituals enhance the atmosphere of a M/s relationship while often help lessen the burden of both people in it from alway having to work on it.

Consensual Non Consent

2009-04-04T07:14:00.006-05:00

Nothing filters people in this life to how they think about and live it then when they communicate on this topic. So with that being written let me expose myself to judgment.

Reality or fantasy

One of the questions any message board get on Master/slave total power exchange relationships is the age old is it real or is it just a fantasy. It is usually asked by people that I would put into three groups.

1) Do not take anything in this life that serious. I am not picking on these people but the thought of actual devotion to a power exchange dynamic is just something they will never take seriously as this life is more about just the kinky things and role playing the power exchange stuff when they are in the mood and agree to it. To these people these things are just an addition to their life like a hobby and cannot grasp people taking it too seriously that they make it part of their real life dynamic as a core principal. They may try to live an M/s life but anything that it runs up against they discard it until they pick it up again sometime later. It is separate and not integrated into their life.

2) Dominants taking this life way too literally. Usually cyber theorists and/or mentally unhealthy people who actually believe the slave definition out of Webster’s dictionary is the minimal level for one to call themselves a slave. These are the people that find when people talk in a healthy and sane way about Master/slave relationships it is watered down junk or cannot find a slave to literally become property and give up all rights and property of their own along with agreeing to truly no limits and then bark it is all fantasy.

3) Submissives with significant self esteem issues. They need to feel superior toward others and they do this by taking their personal view of a slave, often close to the Webster’s dictionary, and think they live it that way and then point to all the others as just fantasy players. What is unfortunate about this is their life is usually not even remotely like they say it is. The simple fact is because their self esteem is so low they could never handle anything actually non consensual in the moment. These are often the people proclaiming they are a no limit slave and when someone points out obvious limits they reply back “my Master would never ask me to do that”. They are taking value by how they perceive their role is as a 24/7 TPE slave like it is fuel for one’s self esteem.

The truth is out there

In my personal opinion any actual power exchange in a relationship has to have non consensual consent or there is no power being exchanged. I do not care if it is only contained to one night in the basement or bedroom a week or if you have some sort of 24/7 dynamic. But within the boundaries of the agreed upon power exchange the dominant ask or does something that the submissive does regardless of wanting to, feeling like it, not wanting to, hating it outside of safety concerns.

So if they have agreed to a dynamic where the dominant can demand sex of any type at anytime for example then the dominant can actually do this and not just have the right to try to have sex at anytime by having to get their submissive aroused first. Another example if the Master decides to order their slave to clean a closet right then and now and makes the slave miss their favorite TV show but an hour later the slave is sitting next to him watching TV of a show they do not like that consensual non consent.

Why would people live like this?

Let me use an analogy to partially answer this question. Say you love to garden and every year you tend to a huge garden in your back yard. During the springtime there is a lot of work in order to get it ready from cleaning up the damage fall and winter did to it. You have to cultivate the dirt and plant the seeds. You have to spend extra time watering in the beginning perhaps. During the rest of the year there are always weeds to be picked, fertilizing and pest control to do. In other words you love to have a garden but it is a lot of work.

The truth is even for a person who loves to garden that not every second they are doing something for that garden. Maybe you always hate one particular thing that has to be done. Or maybe some days you love to putt around the garden weeding it and some days you just dread doing it but you have to do it anyway. But many days you love to just take care of the garden. Some things you always love to do and often whether when just finishing the some thing major or just randomly look upon your garden and get a great sense of happiness and satisfaction.

Well in a sense that is what a slave does when agreeing to have non consensual consent in their relationship. We are more then willing to have moments in our life, even on a daily basis, that we might have to struggle through in order to have things we love in our life and have that overall happiness and loved feeling. To have what we want overall we have to do things that are not always what we want or like in the moment.

The other part of the equation gets into a submissives personality. You will read, hear and think about how we are wired to put our cherished ones above ourselves or we hate all the mind games of indirect communication and bartering regular relationships have. For some of us we have a fetish for power and control being exercised over us. Here is the cool/weird/sick thing about consensual non consent, when serving the one we love it is better then the alternative and it is not even close. There is no way I could be happy both in the moment and overall if I was causing my Master to not be as happy and pleasured as he could be by having to worry about if I am alright in doing something in the moment even to the point he damn well knows I hate doing it. For example I could not possible enjoy my favorite TV program or even masturbate to an orgasm knowing my Master is cooking dinner when I should be doing that for him. So even if I am dead tired, have no interest in cooking dinner and left to my own would not in a million years cook a dinner it is still way better for me overall to be ordered to cook dinner.

The use of consensual non consent in a relationship especially in a 24/7 TPE is critical and getting a loving Master to use his power on that level is often a big hurdle that is critical in overcoming. Happiness and love comes from the cutting away of anxiety and burden of not knowing for sure and how the other is going to react. Consensual non consent when exercised in the relationship lets both parties know they need not worry about some other mythical shoe dropping.

Elephant in the room again

Consensual non consent has a scary pretense to many who do not have it in their life. Heck, it is scary and sometimes denied for some of us that do have it in our life. It goes against all the fairytale preaching one might fall for of the Master being so awesome that they always do things in the slave’s best interest or can make the slave feel so wonderful that doing anything for them at anytime is to bring a slave joy with woodland creatures singing a cheerful song and helping us out. But life is not like that and all relationships we do things that we do not feel like when we do not want to do them. Thinking an extreme power exchange relationship one will not hit this and probably harder is not realistic.

One of the things I do not like is how between the local community and other who often want to preach all things done is for the bottom and that carries forward into a power exchange relationship and the popular thought and practice of somehow bottom to submissive to slave is a natural progression that there is that elephant in the room when consensual non consent first happens. Now I am not writing one cannot take this progression as many do but I am stating that D/s to M/s is quite different and not just another step because of consensual non consent becomes a big part of the life. That people I think would have a lot more success and ease into an M/s 24/7 relationship if one did not look at these things as stepping stones and mentally thought and worked on the this topic sooner then later if one thinks M/s is their calling in life.

But I cannot control the universe and I am far too lazy to figure out a plan and execute it to do so. So instead we get people waxing beautiful false fairytales or people spreading fear of anything that is not a fairytale. The truth is the time, things and feelings in doing many of the consensual non consent things takes up little time, not way out there bad things and often are feelings of not doing something to please our Master will be far worse then doing things we do not like. I will not lie and do think it is a big step to accept this in our relationship but often we have made it bigger by trying to connect unrelated stuff and listen to people who do not practice what you are drawn to and want.

It is one of those things where it is easy to point a finger from the sidelines and go look out that consensual non consent will be 24/7 life sucks because the owner can therefore will do things that will just cause hardship. Possibly true, but I choose to believe these people are the clueless morons. Not that it is not for them but they try to preach worse case scenario. I think most of us that enter and thrive in 24/7 M/s total power exchange relationships that have the possibility of consensual non consent playing a part in are life on a daily basis form small to large. But the concept lost on all the local community sycophants and look out cyber people is they just always forget we are consenting to the one’s we love, trust and hopefully are compatible. If they were monsters that made us miserable then why would be submitting to something that extreme? I would not and hope others do not as well.

Consensual non consent is alive and well in healthy power exchange relationships. How else can one serve someone we love and care for if we do not let them have the power if they are then not allowed to use it?

Irony of Pornography

2009-04-03T09:05:00.000-05:00

Now I am not either a big fan of porn but neither am I an opponent of porn in anyway. I am more prone to written erotica then the visual stuff but on occasion and with my Master enjoying video porn I have seen my share.

I hate overt hypocrisy

I have never understood the arguments over why porn should be either banned as indecent or porn depiction of women is degrading. Now these two arguments can be debated strictly on a subjective level but my issues with how the negative people seem transfixed on porn and ignore many other things in this life that would fall under their same argument that is much more prevalent in society and out there for children to see.

As far as I can tell that as long as a reputable Hollywood or other foreign movie maker makes a film that basically it is ok with what a lot of what is put out. In other words these studios can produce one violent/horror film after another. They can show all the naked women they want being treated just like any bad plotted porn film. Every week there is a new horror film released where the women that bare their breasts get killed in gruesome ways and hardly any outrage. Silence of the Lambs wins Oscars by making a cannibalistic killer cool. But porn is somehow bad and to be hidden from society.

Because it is better for people to be exposed to violence in the theatre and TV over and over then heaven forbid then be at risk to be exposed to pornography where adults are enjoying each other company in a mutually pleasant way. The horrors and evil of the naked body!

BDSM Porn

I understand it cannot be made like Hollywood makes horror films. Society is not ready for this. But I for one have rarely seen a BDSM video that I enjoyed. Why, because they often have no emotion or sexuality toward them. That they come in two types, either purely BDSM where the bottom is put through the paces as the top is like not even part of the scene or sexual where the props, clothes and anything done are just more for ambiance of a regular sex scene.

People watch a horror film or some out there bullets flying everywhere cop action film and most call it harmless escapism because we are suppose to know that it is unrealistic and make believe. But it appears we are not allowed to make our porn in either a realistic safe way or indulge in fake fantasy stuff that Hollywood gives us.

I for one might watch porn if during a bondage and caning scene to see s sadists top get all hot and sexually worked up by what they are doing. Female dominants are allowed to use verbal humiliation but I am not sure if I have ever seen it by male dominants in a BDSM scene. So if we cannot have this for example why cannot we have the out there pretend stuff?

I have role played rape and interrogation scenes and enjoyed it. I do not need to see actors on a video act it out in an even phonier way. Why cannot I have actors in videos act these types of scenes out in a Hollywood fake but attempt at realistic way. I just do not see the point of some rape play video where the silicone to the extreme pretends to get raped by moaning in ecstasy while sucking the rapist cock like it taste like chocolate a minute into the scene.

I understand but wish that if every other video made by people allows people’s imagination to be indulged in what they put on tape regardless of how proper it is why cannot porn show us are fantasies that we cannot re-create out of circumstance and most important safety in a fake but with effort way.

Miscellaneous porn thoughts

My first owners made me watch a lot of porn when I first became owned by them. I was far from a prude and well experienced sexually but I was like many who kept it in the bedroom only way. They had me watch porn so I would get so familiar with sex and nudity that my bedroom side and outside the bedroom side would merge together better. Anyway, they had a lot of 80’s porn and I am happy to say dated me. My Master and I had this discussion last night on what were the differences because I strongly enjoy the old porn more then modern porn.

We kind of came to the conclusion that the 80’s women were still more real looking and even with fake breast they were fake like some normal person might get them done. The men were normal looking as well and not all steroid out. The plots in both groups are light and lame. But I think the biggest difference was the 80’s actors were either better actors or what I think they partially did what they did because they enjoy it. I think most modern actors are in it for the money and exposure and it is some business plan to do a porn.

Like I wrote I tend to not have much interest in the visual but I do like on occasion to read erotica. I like reading stories like my opinion above this. I have no interest in my written stories to be fairytale realistic that can and does happen but I like my erotic fiction to be dirty, dark, totally unrealistic in terms of concerns for safety, sanity and morality. I can get realistic and safe type stuff all over the place. Please give me the sicker stuff with the written word.

I hate starting up reading a story and turns out the author might have a problem with narcissism. Every time I read some thing like “After the third slap of his hand I felt myself trying to make my ass meet his hand halfway. I knew I would love and obey him forever” or “my wife is extremely adventurous and wild in bed but she was not remotely like that before she met me”. I have a little laugh or stop reading because the story will have just thinly veiled undertones of some man trying to write in a way that makes him look like an incredible stud.

I appreciate a person attempt at adult writing and putting it on the Internet for free. I appreciate and understand it might not have been written so people can masturbate to. But if I want to read a romance novel I will buy and read a romance novel. Please get to the more fun stuff earlier then later as most who do this just repeat the same buildup scene with a slight variation until an action scene anyway.

Porn, it does not beat the real thing but it has its place.

Pet Peeves

2009-04-01T14:53:00.005-05:00

Here are a quick off the top of my head pet peeves when people discuss power exchange relationships and kinky things.

1) The use of the word “more”. I will not go with the words “real” or “true” as those should be automatic for all to think moron when people use those. But more is used too often as well. Relationships are between two people and how they make each other feel. One is not more of a slave if they clean their house spotless without being ordered. One is not more of a Master by how little they have to directly order their slave. Your values and enjoyments of your other and relationship are only in the end important to you and your other. You can feel more of something within that relationship by some act being done but it is misplaced hubris to think of oneself more of a Master or slave because you do or did something that you think other might not. We are not in competition with anyone!

2) Self esteemed challenged male dominants who proclaim one must first start out as a submissive to learn it from their side before becoming a Master. Look, I am not going to say there could be nothing gained by trying our side for a little bit. But pretty much most things can be learned multiple ways and this life is one of them. But on the bigger picture to think that someone who gravitates toward being a dominant can possible understand what someone goes through that gravitates toward being a submissive is quite foolish. All one learns is at best the tip of the ice berg. To think that some man tries being submissive knowing it is only temporary, not being able to truly get what the pleasure of suffering for one out of love, to get turned on by the power or being on the receiving end of something and on and on compared to someone who is wired for that and it is not for some small time frame but an indefinite one. To think you can learn or get how that mind set filters and feeds off things is ludicrous. The men who promote this come off as what most of them are, long time Top only players in their local community that are trying to score more play partners by trying to keep as few as tops around from being attractive to the bottoms. To really believe this is to basically think anyone can be submissive and it is just idiotic and cheapens all of us who are submissive.

3) Dominants who think every problem they hear can be solved by the submissive to just focus on being more submissive and submissives who think every problem they hear is an automatic red flag leave the person thing. Problems in relationships usually come from a lack of open and honest communication and effort between the two or personality and compatibility issues. Not every problem has a quick fix and base on the dominant is perfect or just needs to be encouraged by a submissive being more overtly submissive and until one knows all the facts a problem or bad action by a dominant should not always default into a leave him submissives.

4) The continued watering down of the important things of trust, safety and abuse by throwing those words around so cheaply. Trust and safety are critical things to people in relationships and avoiding abuse as well. Thinking everything that goes wrong in a power exchange relationship causes one ability to trust to be destroyed or every mistake or accident can mean the person is totally unsafe and especially thought of as abusive without any other analysis is just doing a big disservice to not only this life but for actual victims of abuse in all walks of life. These are not any different then any other relationships and you do not hear nearly as often about someone’s trust being destroyed and wondering if they can trust again after a three week relationship blew up. You were not abused because the top did not get you in sub space and the scene was bad or emotionally abused because the guy you met over the Internet still has a open profile on another site a week after writing you. I do not know how many times I have had to try to talk some sense into an actual abuse victim to where they basically think they are not in a bad situation because all they hear is that everyone’s abused so why try something different.

5) People who confuse themselves and mislead others by confusing just for kicks or trying to lose their identity by “discovering themselves” or “exploring who they” are within the context of looking for long term relationships. I have written about this before but I really wanted to focus on was the fact that most proclaiming those are often doing the far opposite. I knew a woman on a personal site/message board which she had been on for five plus years. She had kept a running journal on her life and had pictures posted throughout those five years. She was big on discovering who she was but in those five years probably had not learned one thing about herself. In her journal entry and pictures you would see a woman who adopted probably six or seven far different religions/spiritualities and types of power exchange roles between the two. Each time in a zealot and “I have found my true self” way that to an objective observer was an obvious lost soul in trouble. All she was doing was discovering a new role to play every so often and hoping that would make her happy. I doubt she had discovered anything about who she was. This may have been an extreme case but it can shine a spot light on the issue. I have no problem and encourage people to “discover” and “explore” who they are. Just make sure you start with inside out instead of trying to go outside in and hoping to stumble into something that makes you happy. But it is also critical to stop trying to do this while at the same time find Mister or Misses long term. If you have not figured yourself out how can someone else or how can you truly know what is the best fit and relationship type to go looking for.

To Each Their Own

2009-03-30T13:02:00.005-05:00

I was reading a blog that I normally read and in about ten minutes had clicked on a blog they had read and then clicked on a blog that person reads. I write this because in the end I have no idea where I ended up when I came upon a blog entry that gave me great pause.

This particular entry the woman wrote that her Master/husband of ten plus years has decided she needs to concentrate more on being a better slave and has been too distracted by life. So her Master decided to cut off a significant amount of access to life like preventing her from driving, limiting time on the Internet and other isolating type things. My initial reaction and I am guessing most is look out this sounds really bad and then it hit me, I was being a hypocrite.

Perspective, to each their own and consensual non consent

I was a big old hypocrite because my mind kept thinking “red flag!” when reading this slave’s blog entry. But while what she wrote for a new relationship would be a red flag to be very concerned with she was not in a new relationship but a ten year one and from everything I read in her blog a quite happy one. So who the hell was I to form my opinion.

What I did is a human frailty that is common and can often lead to not getting things, judging others and bouts of extreme hubris. What I did was take what they were doing in their relationships and not bothering to see it how they saw it but how I would react if it was in my own. I would bet each and everyone of you who reads this that if you spent twenty-four hours and took every reaction you have toward something you heard or saw someone say or do wrote it down and took it to an independent third party they would say most of it was only your opinion and no fact in it at all. It could very well be any more credible then mere gossip.

For one to think how yucky one topping on a pizza is and find out their favorite is yucky to the other person. For a teacher to look at a mortician and think how the heck they can do what they do but the mortician might be thinking the same things toward the teacher.

So here I was for several seconds and maybe minutes thinking how severe her relationship truly was and if that was ok. Yet here I am in a pretty severe M/s relationship in which I want my face slapped if my focus and mood is not where it should be for my Master or how I am strongly attracted to people with domineering personalities that most run from. I would not want my sanity or how I live my life questioned so I should not be questioning hers without any actual facts. Because in the end all I was doing is filtering my creative thoughts through a few things she mentioned.

We are not all alike

I could never be in a D/s relationship. I cannot imagine how one goes turning power exchange on and off depending on some basis like specific thing and mutual right place and time type things that can be so overlapping and inconsistent. Many submissives cannot imagine what an M/s total power exchange relationship where the power to control someone is always there or at least available. But many of us are often guilty of thinking not only can we imagine it we think we know a lot about it from some of the tiniest clues and information presented. We are also guilty of this when comparing relationships that are personal in nature when comparing what we think is equal types such as a slave to another slave.

But we are not only not all alike, we are not close in most cases. Yet we tend to imagine and judge based on the fact that others are just like us. Sometimes when reading blogs, message boards or talking to people out in your local community it can be beneficial to take a step back to remind oneself that they are not you and therefore might not have your personality, interests, preferences and on and on. When someone does something that could be with other facts be bad and dangerous do not assume the other bad facts are automatically there.

It is far easier to casually say or write “to each there own” in a theoretical way but for many the real life specific situations we have trouble doing just that. This woman’s blog that I referred to was a stark reminder that I was not immune to such thoughts.

Talk Dirty To Me

2009-03-26T09:35:00.000-05:00

I think although it can vary greatly in amount and in what context most people enjoy dirty talk in their sex life. I know I personally love it when my Master uses his oral skills while having dirty thoughts our in a sexually aroused state. I also know in all of my serious relationships this topic has been brought up in which my owner wanted me to be more vocal in this area and I just struggle terribly in doing so.

Now I am not a prude nor raised or work where I have any great societal barrier. In fact I think I am almost quite the opposite of that. I prefer tits to breasts, cock to penis and I like being thought of as a cheap slut that is always horny for my Master’s cock. As a nurse I like the mental distinction between breasts, vagina and penis at work to the dirtier names in private. I have no problem speaking them in regular life conversations like “my tits are still quite sore” but to use them in sentences to convey my sexuality to my Master or in the throw of sexual activity I just have a tough time doing so.

Maybe for some reason I think many of the things I would speak out in this area feels like topping from the bottom by giving overt signals in what would be enjoyable to me and thinking it might affect my Master’s decision to do something for just his indulgence which is my number one aphrodisiac. Maybe it is because I am not a dirty talk communicator when sexually aroused and I am just more of a grunter, screamer and one word description type of gal and forcing sentences out then becomes conscious and lowers my enjoyment. Maybe I am selfish therefore because I prefer not to so I can be lost in my arousal.

I hate failing at things. I learned to put on a masturbating sex show and orgasm easily in doing so for my owners pleasure but stringing lust filled dirty little thoughts to go from the brain to words out of my mouth is so hard. I guess practice, practice and more practice might be the way to go.

Two Cent Tips

2009-03-24T08:55:00.005-05:00

Cheap random advice and observations from my experiences in real life M/s and from others I have heard and learned from. These mostly have to do with starting out and looking for.

1) Ninety plus percent of the situations and problems you will encounter in this life are the same and to be thought of and resolved the same as any other situations and problems you have encountered in regular life and relationships.

2) If you get dumped/released it is because simply the dominant did not care to be with you anymore. It is not because you broke a rule or two and he was that shallow. That is just his excuse that he thinks will cause the least drama. Now dumped because you consistently did not do things is another story. A pattern of showing an issue with devotion to the dynamic is a very big deal for people who are serious about this life and an exceptional reason to be dumped.

3) If you attempt long distance and the dominant has a decent job but still does not seem to want to come see you or want you to come there, he is either married or this is just a lark. People can scramble money to get their nicotine, caffeine and other extra expenses. To think someone who claims to have a decent paying job cannot scramble up some gas or plan ahead to get a relative cheap airline ticket is not realistic when thought of from the perspective of finding your one or at least some kinky sex.

4) The odds of a person changing significantly are slim to nil. The odds of a person putting on a fake mask when first getting with someone is quite normal to at least a certain degree. If a person changes for the worse after enough time has past the odds are very good they are reverting back to who they are and not some temporary or change that they will change back to the person you first met.

5) No picture in profile fine. No picture after enough communication they are playing you. Whether married, not serious or lied badly about their age/appearance it is a huge ass red flag. Sorry cameras can be borrowed and the job paranoia does not cut it from sending a vanilla picture to and from a regular old email or IM chat. Do you really think they would be interested in you if you never showed your photo in someway?

6) Avoid the drama. One of the biggies of M/s life slaves it is not always about you. Not only avoid making things too much about you but the bigger one do not think slave followed by you as a person in trying to solve something or make some bad situation better. But think about the actual situation and the person(s) being affected and how you can help. For example, because your new Master is stressed out in work please do not stress him out more by making him deal with you stressing about trying to be a better slave to him because he is stressing out from work.

7) People self idealize in cyber. Do not believe all the zealot type descriptions of character and how people describe their lives and decisions. For example, the “I would never leave until my contract was done” is not a person of character communicating how to live this life as a submissive/slave but a self esteem challenged liar or seriously mentally ill. See if the other person abuses them or a child of theirs they stay there because they signed a “contract”. But boy does it sure sounds good when typed out.

8) Good people want to help ease another’s nerves and issues. Bad people want to stoke those fears and issues by promoting all but them to be evil so you run into their arms. Run from those who seem too eager to scare you and pointing fingers at others.

9) A way to a woman’s heart is not endless talk about toys, scenes and your local community activity. It is the equivalent of you talking about sports or how you are the only smart person where you work for an entire date. Men read what females write about and see how little specific toys or scenes are actually discussed by women. Want them to be interested in you write about your motivations, passions and vision of what you want your future relationship to be.

10) Submission only on your terms is not power exchange. When I mean your terms I do not mean overall agreed to boundaries no matter how narrow or wide but only submitting when and what each and every single time. That is called just doing what you want. There is nothing wrong with that but it has nothing to do with a power exchange life as you really are giving up zero control to the dominant who you might want to remember is half of the equation. Using the code word natural makes this sound cooler but all you do is confuse people.

11) Remember like regular relationships people will have happy delusions. Everyone in happy relationships never think they will get divorced, the other might not feel the exact same way or the very common self denial of issues and problems is swept under the rug in their own mind. Power exchange people can be the same way. If one writes their relationship is utopia you are getting the romantic what I wish to project image and not the real image. My Master and I are newlyweds and very happy and in total sync in how we live and want to live. We are also far from perfect, problem free and wishes for some things were different. We still are building trust and learning each other after two and a half years together.

12) The biggest difference in the progression of first meeting to 24/7 power exchange is when you move in together and it then does come closest to 24/7 as it can get. Proclaiming you have found your one and he is perfect is delusional until you are in that final step. We all take leaps of faith in all relationships and that is not what I am pointing out. But if you truly think your risk is not high and you take actions on it without factoring in the risk because the other is sheer perfection. No matter how many hours on the phone, days/months/years you have taken or weekends together, moving in whether long distance or not is a huge step with no guarantees. Do not make decisions that destroy your life if it does not work out. For every I moved across the country to my other and that was ten blissful years ago you will have many more I moved across the country and they are not the person I thought them to be and I am now alone, trapped and do not know what to do. Be smart have the ability to do a third option of I moved it may or may not have worked but if it did not I still did not destroy my life.

Exercising the Actual Power

2009-03-21T10:08:00.001-05:00

I am sitting down on this computer one very happy, lustful and loving. Along with being very sore especially my tits that have more black, blue and purple marks then regular color and dried cum from a morning frolic I am hesitant to jump into the shower and wash off. I have spent too much of my time this morning staring at the marks and getting giddy feeling my soreness and how the dried cum feels and was thinking why I love to feel and see these things.

Very common reaction

Now what I have just written is very clichéd as so many of us are like this. But it is also clichéd when taking it to the big picture. We like to feel a part of something. We like to see representation of that something. We wear wedding rings and collars to signify committed relationships between two people. We wear our school colors especially during big events like the NCAA Tournament. People cover themselves in tattoos many being something that is representative like loved ones names or specific interests they are big into.

I think this is why many of us love to see the marks and bruises from our Master’s. It is just a great reminder of who we are, what are relationship dynamic is and our love and devotion to our owner. Wedding rings and collars are great. Spoken words of love and devotion are very cool as well. But something about marks and feeling the soreness that just at least for me is an extra something. I mean I work in an ER and I am lucky to go more then a couple of shifts without seeing bruises on victims from abuse. This one might think would make me despise bruises of all types and yet staring at mine nothing negative ever pops into my head.

Power Baby!

For most 24/7 slaves the power that is exercised over us is thrilling, cool, sexy and probably many other words depending on one’s thoughts. We are not in power exchange relationships because the dynamic makes us sad or bored. We are not in them because we are naturally submissive and therefore obey is just the way. No many of us slaves are in these relationship dynamics because giving over power has many good things associated with it and for many this includes heart pitter patter and lustful thoughts and reactions.

My favorite non power exchange power exchange get it moment in a movie was in GoodFellas and not even direct power exchange. After Henry Hill beats up a guy who was bad to his girlfriend with a gun as his girlfriend looks on. Henry then gives her the bloodied gun to hide. Then through narration the girlfriend goes something like “Most women would have just walked away. I didn’t, the fact is it turned me on”.

To me this scene can be a very good lesson for all dominants that want M/s or Take in Hand relationships. Because to me this scene represents a very hard truth even if it is not directly relatable to an M/s relationship. This scene teaches it is not just the power you claim to have but also using of that power is critically important.

We like the feelings

Whenever I read the preaching of one of the cool factor stereotypes of the Master being the best Master by little he has to do. Because he has trained his slave so well and the slave is always perfectly obedient and anticipating their needs and things like that I often either start laughing at the phoniness of it all or get miffed at someone once again presenting a false image of M/s life and trying to make some mythical end result determine success and greatness.

M/s is an ever ongoing active participation thing for both roles. Owners need to understand it is not just the power you have like it is some aura around you but the power you exercise on an ongoing basis over your slave that makes the relationship work, run smoothly and happily. That this is not just about the physical kinky things that we often talk about or indulge for fun. This is about all the things a Master needs to bring to the table. So whether in a M/s relationship kink indulged or in a Domestic Discipline/Take in Hand type relationship where nothing kinky can be going on that exercising power through strong leadership, control and use of your slave in the agreed upon dynamic in an active way is not only a good things but a much needed thing.

It is why someone like me stares at my marks and it makes my heart pitter patter. It what makes someone like me every time I am reminded of what was done to me from being soar from it gets a little turned on. Because it is not just my Master’s power but that I see, hear, feel, touch and taste it exercised over me.

It makes me happy, relaxed and it turns me on.

Attitude Adjustments

2009-03-18T13:13:00.006-05:00

This is one of those very touchy subjects. It is really for only a small minority of us even in the labeled category of slave.

This topic hinges on perspective so I will keep this rather short and personal.

When talking about adjust, discourage or train a slave to only be in certain types of welcomed moods or not letting any “attitude” issues inject into the relationship by some sort of rule that would be punished and in particular punished with physical pain you get into this topic being one that tends to freak people out. Of course like many things in this life in particular things people have not experienced and/or will not do people often tend to be fearful, dismissive and only imagine worse case scenarios.

This is because perspective can be so different. To talk about basically a Master hitting a slave because they do not like their mood or attitude sounds to most just horrible because the only scenarios they think of is some abusive ogre smacking his helpless nonconsensual spouse. But life just has more variety then that.

Perspective

In general toss out people who play these things primarily in their local community. They often cannot think anything other then toys and scenes when it comes to anything that hits on what happens in a public dungeon or taught in a public safety lowest common denominator first situation.

In general toss out anyone that really does not identify as a slave who practices it on a pretty severe level. If one does not buy into one’s Master is the center of the Universe for the most part then they are not going to understand the concept of a slave willing to try to get their mood altered or trained to not be something.

In general toss out self obsessed people who suffer from serious illnesses like depression and Bipolar. They are unable to distinguish that other people have the ability to distinguish the difference between something serious that they have, something that cannot be adjusted or something that can. They can only zone in on when they go into their depressed state that is serious and cannot be helped by this.

In general toss out the drama queens who take everything that happens to them in life and over analyses it. People who question everything done in their relationship like it is life or death this is too dangerous of a thing for them to talk about let alone actually do.

Scientific Experiment

Personally I know for myself and other that instant physical punishment to help us deal with a attitude or mood issue is a good thing we welcome having our Master having some control or ability to try to deal with. Many will stress in no uncertain terms that anytime an owner punishes for a mood that is abuse. But I find that safety police nonsense and coming from a small mind or just someone that lacks the ability to see things from other personalities and experiences.

So I propose, because I do know this is true, a research project. Go to an active message board on power exchange life and search for two topics. One topic of this thing specifically and see all the safety police and the public players cry abuse and dangerous. See many claim this is idiotic and cannot be done.

Then search for threads that talk about doing things exactly similar but based on the slave requesting it. In other words all the submissives who ask for some sort of discipline session because they are not feeling quite right or would like to snap out of a mood they do not like. See many of the very same people claim do not ever do in the former threads go this can work and we do it often in these types threads.

What is the difference? Nothing really when knowing that in long term healthy and loving relationships your spouse is going to know you so well to know when a mood or attitude can be adjusted and when it just has to be played out but that does not work in the public forums that this life is talked mostly about.

My Experiences

For me I find getting punished physically right away for mood and attitude non slave like to be a good thing that I actively desire in my relationship. Quite simply and shocking to some I like a good face slap or knee buckling nipple squeeze when my Master takes exception to something in this area and thinks it can be corrected by doing these things to me.

My personality, life and M/s relationship this has a strong place for it to be beneficial to me. I love being a slave and being slave like in terms of loving, lustful and happy to be in the presence of my Master when I am. I work twelve hour night shifts most of the time several in a row. I work in an ER where bad stuff often happens. All of this tends to get me way off kilter in terms of energy levels and moods which does impact my ability to focus and be where I like and can be. There are just times that the best thing for me is a solid slap to my face to get my focus back where I want it let alone my Master.

In our relationship we take the dynamic and devotion to it very seriously. It is as big a part of the relationship as any part. Because of this we do not keep score or dwell on the non perfect or screw up times. It is one of the big reasons I am such a proponent for M/s relationships to have an agreed upon and practiced punishment component. In any type of punishment component the it is a benefit to needs to be a yes in some way and a punishment that does nothing or causes bigger problems and issues is of course bad.

Again for me personally, to get my mood or attitude pointed out as being less then desired or what both of us want in the relationship and punished by hours or days later some type of punishment is quite ridiculous and ineffective. But a quick pain punishment gets the behavior fixed the most productive way for me and we move on.

It is never apples to apples

Something like this is probably not for many. It does not make one special because it is in their relationship and it does not make it abusive and dangerous because it will never be in your healthy and loving relationship.

There are many types of dynamics, personality types, bad life experiences and mental and physical health issues that a Master administering physical punishment to adjust mood and attitude will not work and could be very dangerous. But remember for some of us in long term healthy and loving relationships where trust and love is not questioned by either party if this aspect works for the two then the dangers are not as great. Still be careful and communicate absolutely.

Sometimes my Master hits me and I simply go sorry for my current behavior but that did not or will not help at this time. I am a slave in a total power exchange relationship that I am in love with my Master and in ecstasy of our relationship dynamic and his devotion to it. In it he is a sadist that for enjoyment gives me pain nearly everyday that people in this life get gushy in thinking, talking and doing it. I am not a vanilla chick masquerading my role. Even a not so cool pain that did not work or Master did not read me right is not something to panic or dwell on.

Long term means remembering all the actions and not just the last one.

Naturally Doomed

2009-03-16T12:33:00.005-05:00

In the last two post I have briefly mentioned the magical term many who chest thump this life that I personally find to be extremely misleading and that term is natural.

It is the ultimate cool factor word in the power exchange life. I mean does it not sound cool to say “I am natural” followed by anything you state. It is almost always followed by the “I do not need” and goes on to list some thing(s) that many people do in this life. It is a passive aggressive claim of believing one is superior or a puff up ego shout of please do not look too closely at my relationship in what it is from what I say it is.

But no amount of actual “naturalness” can be enough if one wants a significant power exchange relationship. Let me stress the word significant to separate from any. Certain none that fall under the level Master/slave on the level most define it.

You do have to have some natural

Oh my, contradict myself practically at the beginning. The natural though I am referring to is the starting point. Where the starting point is can be or maybe stronger is critical to how a person can be in this life. But it is just a starting point and it is never the finishing line.

To be in an M/s relationship a dominant certainly has to have certain things in certain levels in order to lead and dominate the relationship that fuels and satisfy them instead of burden and drains them. I will for brevity and because few can agree will not go into detail but let me write a decent level of leadership skills, want active control and being decisive. Every slave needs on some level to enjoy doing things for the one(s) they care about on a significant level. I mean if one is selfish and inconsiderate then slave is not the role for you.

The point natural does not cut it

We are all natural when it is easy and on our own terms. But M/s TPE does not work that way because as humans and with lives that are just a tad more complex. Every spouse on the planet believes they put their other above themselves for the most part, does not make everyone a natural submissive. Everyone believes they know what is best for their other or for both together for the most part but that does not make everyone a natural dominant.

Let me use my favorite example of what a slave is to wear. Most in a relationship this is a give and go thing. One spouse expresses or shows over time preferences in how they like the other to dress. For many, especially women, we often factor this in even to the point of it being the biggest factor. But we do not always defer to this choice. People usually only do it if they are ok with it and feel like it. So a regular wife knows her husband likes her to wear a nice summer dress over shorts for example. She may wear a dress most days but some days she really feels like wearing shorts and does so without thought. It is the natural points like that M/s couples have to overcome. Now most might think what is the big deal about something like this happening in a “natural” power exchange relationship? The point is when there is nothing from stopping one from doing what they want in the first place then as humans we do not always default to our naturally submissive side we send out messages to our other that do not equate the dynamic we have agreed to.

Same thing with a dominant playing natural dominant which your slave basically lives a day to day existence of not knowing when they do something is going to be wrong because their natural dominant confuses being able to express a preference or want their way in a disagreement about something to go their way. It is just simply more natural for us to not care or blow something off.

It just is not natural

It is not natural for a female slave to always wear her hair the way her Master prefers if it is always one way and length but we do it anyway. It is not natural to always cook a decent meal for our Master. It is easy when tired or hurried to default to normal and take the easy way out or hint/request severely that our guy takes us out in that case. But that is not up to a slave. It is not natural to put our others needs and desires most of the time so far above our own that we do not even think about it.

It is not natural to be able to and certainly always be able to not take the current desire in the moment of your slave and disregard it for reasons that are selfish when one is the dominant. It is not natural for a dominant to make most of the decisions. It is not natural to have a preference and make it a rule knowing that there will be times your slave that you love will find that difficult.

Living this naturally is not going to get you M/s 24/7 significant power exchange

Our lives despite our relationship dynamic are filled with mostly the regular world and us being Mr. and Mrs. Joe Normal. Most of us were raised not to follow or lead in such strict ways and certainly all of us have had plenty of time being single where we had only our stuff to care and deal with. We default to these things when we try just to live our lives and will create a horrendous atmosphere and woeful inconsistency within the dynamic if a couple truly try M/s the “natural” way.

Why most M/s relationships have some rules, rituals, strict adherences to preferences is so that the mindset and atmosphere makes it easier and more enjoyable to go to the tougher and stricter level of domination and obedience. For many of us punishment is an important aspect as not to point out our human failures but to help us motivate ourselves when the always going to be their times we start processing in our normal brain way. We have all these unnatural things in our lives so we can keep two brains on the same page with consistent thoughts and actions and not just hoping.

Live the life for yourself and not others

So forget the cool factor of the more natural we live it the better Master or slave we are. Forget the people that promote cool theories that if you do not match up make you lesser in their eyes, they are idiots lying.

Realize to be in a successful Master/slave relationship means there is no easy middle ground. There are things that will not be natural or things that are normally natural at times will not be. The unnatural things we have set up and practice in these relationships are there to help us and smooth over the rough spots. They are good for relationships and not a strike against your coolness.

If one wants just natural that is great, no problems on my end, but do not expect 24/7 TPE or anything close because that is just not natural.

Expectations

2009-03-13T11:41:00.005-05:00

A woman wrote me about something they were very excited to try that she had gotten from something I wrote, nothing original mind you. What she wrote after getting her Master to try it was what is often a common problem we have as slaves, especially starting out and that is managing our expectations of how things are going to go or suppose to be.

Let me write about expectations of a slave in two areas in scenes and in general.

Scenes

We want magic and we want it without much thought and effort. But often magic does not come or at least comes the first time you experience something. It is quite common to here things like “It did not go like I had imagined” or “We have tried this but I did not really like it. Am I submissive like I thought?”

Often our expectations are out of whack from reality for various reasons.

Taking what we read and here from other people and wanting to feel that way so we transfer what they say they do to us and expect instant same feelings. The facts are there are often three ways to get pleasure from scenes. You have a thing for what is being done like a masochist enjoys their ass getting whipped. You have a thing for power exercised over you so that what does it for you when your other does things that are intense. Or you feed off pleasing your other and seeing them takes pleasure in your suffering.

Being submissive does not mean being a masochist and getting off or instant sub space when pain is inflicted on us. What works for us or what does not work for us is on an individual by individual basis.

Lose the desire and expectation of the fairytale. Think of scenes like you would think of sex. Being stressed out and worried because of the unknown of what is to be done or the other person generally leads to crappy sex. Most great sex is when we are relaxed and comfortable and have a clue of what is going to happen. This can go for many people with scenes as well. It takes time and trust for both people to get to the place and for helping the other get to the place they want. It can and often is a process to get comfortable and relaxed when doing these things with another person regardless of one’s experience on the other end. All the dreams, stories you heard and masturbating sessions of how something went in your mind will very rarely get replayed the first time you do something. Hopefully it might get close or at least show strong signs of it will get there but often think of first times as practice.

Fairytale expectations compared to real life are an exercise in disappointment and confusion.

Sometimes we just have to be there for them. If something just does not do it for you no matter the times and comfort level then it might just not do it for you. If you are n a M/s or some other loving type relationships then sometimes we might have to decide to be there just for them and suffer for love. That in itself can be a very nice feeling and returned to you by your other in appreciation in other areas of your life.

Expectations of the life of a 24/7 slave

“We expanded into 24/7 but nothing seems different.” or “My Master stopped doing anything.”

These and the variation to these are the two most common problems submissives ask for advice on when coming to message boards. They also get two flippant and taken on face value idiotic pieces of advice. “Dump him he is a fake Master.” or “You as the slave need to try to be a lot more submissive and proactive in serving.” The problem why I hate the answers given like they are is because there is some to significant truth in them but not totally or automatic.

People often enter 24/7 relationships two ways that tend to skew expectations.

1) From first being a bedroom submissive. Expectations get skewed because let us face it whenever we are doing bedroom submissive stuff it is usually exciting and intense. But this also can really be a problem if one thinks that the feelings and submissive levels achieved with such intensity and exciting things can be kept up 24/7 with regular life and more mundane things. The fact is they cannot be.

2) From an established relationship whether long term or short term with the original goal to become Master/slave. I read a great line on a message board about the nothing happen when we went comment. The person wrote that forget the delusion of “naturally” being dominant or submissive that people’s default is vanilla. That just talking about going 24/7 M/s or agreeing on and signing a contract does not make the relationship change automatically.

The truth is that an M/s relationships can and often fail because one or both just do not have it in them to do it. There are dominants wanting an obedient spouse who likes kinky sex but has no ability or desire to lead and dominate like a slave needs. Or a sub wanted a take charge alpha spouse but thought they would just naturally do things they would do anyway or make them feel like doing things magically/wishful thinking. So the dump them comment if wanting an M/s relationship can often be the right answer.

The truth is that how both people focus, communicate and give effort on there end when in a power exchange relationship is critical and exponentially so when starting one up. We must be honest and accept we default to vanilla. So both roles must put effort into the relationship. Regular life we cannot affect greatly what that can do to us in a M/s relationship but feedback and atmosphere coming from our other carries tremendous weight. If both people are not proactive in their role and expect just the other to be fine in theirs is basically disaster waiting to happen.

Conclusion

There is nothing wrong with expectations as long as we keep them realistic both in scope and realizing many things take time and effort. But we must also be prepared that not every expectation in this life will come true or to the degree we thought. Expectations get satisfied with effort and understanding of how to achieve them. Most things in power exchange relationships this means constant communication, time for both to relax and trust each other and doing our end to create the atmosphere we are going after that will help greatly both people.

Random Opinions

2009-03-11T13:08:00.006-05:00

The following are just some opinions that have more edge to them then I normally write. I normally try to write in a non judgmental way but these areas I do have stronger opinions and did not want to filter them.

Biggest do not get it for dominants when it comes to the punishment part of relationships is having it in the relationship and actually doing it shows your submissive you give a damn about the dynamic and the relationship. We submissives when serving on that level need and enjoy knowing that our submission is actually important to you and not just window dressing.

When people use the term natural in describing themselves or their relationship style whether dominant or submissive it is either as a cop out, ego boost and often both.

There is some irony to how to me what two different disciplines of power exchange are promoted. In M/s people spend most of their time talking about the kinky things and sex while often deflecting the effort, need to embrace and responsibility for both parties in the actual power being exchanged. Take in Hand people are far more open and discussing those things but like to distance themselves that a woman submitting to a man goes deep in the sexual area and things like a spanking are more then what they are talked about.

I also do not think that in my observation over time that many more women who embrace Take in Hand relationships often have trouble finding a man to embrace it or often look for how they can get their husband to live like this. While often it is the men in M/s that seem to always looking for a slave. I think there is a connection personally as many M/s men do not get what the Take in Hand men do.

I admire the openness of the Take in Hand people in how they are open about the submission of the woman from both genders. While I do not care that too many confuse this with man is strong and wise and woman is weak and vulnerable, I do admire the dialog and tend to read about them far more then M/s couples because of this who often only talk about it in a mythical fairytale setting.

Men spend way too little time thinking things through and especially about the why of things. Women spend way too much time thinking about those things. This is especially true in power exchange relationships type stuff.

It troubles me how society seems to be getting more and more Narcissistic. The whole pattern of having conversations via the telephone to Emails to IM to texting and now the latest Twitter to me reeks of I do not want my time wasted by friends and family. At my convenience I will communicate with you but I do not really want to know anything truly important in case it makes me feel guilty for not being there for them mentally.

Here is the deal in quick form about the attraction to bad boys as compared to often indifference to nice guys that many males do not get. It has nothing to do with a woman wanting to be treated like crap but a woman wanting not having to deal with passive aggressive men and feel like we are always playing mom to them. Bad boys tend to be way more direct in their communication and actions. They tend to take what they want and not do something in hopes it will get them what they want unlike many nice boys. They also often do not need to be made to feel they are awesome unlike many nice boys. When women play with bad boys they are simply self medicating from having to deal with too many nice boys who drain them with their issues.

Biggest difference between good sex and bad sex to a woman to me boils down to in good sex a man fucks his woman and in bad sex the man performs for his woman. Getting truly fucked often means we also feel the lust, love and attraction our other has for us and also lets us be free from having to think too much and just enjoy the ride. Performers block us from feeling what we want to feel and we have to spend too much effort mentally in the whole process to relax and let go. This is why orgasms are not the only thing to keep score with. I guarantee one fast quick lust filled I just have to fuck you wham bam too fast to orgasm for a woman will always be more well received after the fact then some guy whose every action and constant questioning of is this good who makes us orgasm once or twice but afterwards we feel nothing.

The biggest problem in communicating about power exchange relationships is the confusion and lack of point out the elephant in the room of the differences in range when things are discussed. Everyone has an opinion but they come from different perspectives. A bedroom only submissive has as much insight on punishment in an M/s relationship as they do on brain surgery if they are an art teacher. But that does not stop them from sharing an opinion or misleading others about their dynamic when they weigh in on the subject.

Reminds me of the obvious difference that few want to admit to, there is a huge difference between people who primary or only experience is top/bottom activity within their local community dungeons and private parties and people who play within a long term loving relationship when it comes to the kinks. For people this is basically only local community whether by choice or necessity things like safety and negotiation are critical to express and promote you do. In loving long term relationships these concepts are just a given. So when the local community safety police speak up whenever people like me communicate things without chest thumping safety they think they are being wise but they just expose themselves to what they are, no relationship experienced wannabes.

I will say this to I am blue in the face local communities have a very limited service. You can be active as part of your social life or you can use them to guide/learn and find your other to have a personal life. I recommend everyone new to try to search out your local community and try it but I also recommend that if you truly do want a power exchange relationship not to take a lot of what is said and seen in them as gospel. They can be good exposure and good for learning physical facts and basic safety stuff but they are also horrible at confusing people. Kinky things are both directly and indirectly often thought as mutual fun things and in power exchange relationship the kinky things are often that and so much more with that more being vitally important. If you want a power exchange relationship do not make your local community your social life and avoid both the dominants and submissives that have made it theirs. That includes you! Realize learning to play in a scene, negotiate and learn various toys has nothing to do with pursuing another and learning and living in a power exchange relationship.

At least 90% of affairs are not caused because the cheating spouse just needs excitement of a different sexual conquest and has a character defect that will always make them cheat. 90% of affairs are because the cheating spouse is not getting their needs met from their other and especially so in terms of sex and feeling sexually desirable. So if you do not want to ever worry about spouse cheating for the most part keep them well fucked on their terms, not yours, and make sure you not just say but show them how much they do it for you in bed.

Most women will only respect a man who will stand up to them. The reason is fairly basic. We will fall for, submit to, love and therefore become vulnerable to a man we feel can protect us and make us feel secure. What men do not get it is not safe from them but safe from the world so we can let our guard down. A man that we can walk over we will wonder who else will walk over him and how is he going to protect us we will not respect. While this maybe done subconsciously so most women can deny this, if you look closely it is always there. A woman leaves a man who stands up to us but treats us like crap. A woman walks all over a man who does not stand up to her until he leaves her. A woman cherishes and tries her hardest to hold a man who stands up to us but still treats us with love and priority.

Cock Worship

2009-03-09T16:02:00.007-05:00

Well if there is one thing our group can do is make everything we do sound quite pretenscious. My mind on one hand think this is just another in a long line of making up something that a male dominant likes done into some righteous act. On the other hand a cock slut with an oral fixation who loves all the sensations a cock and balls can bring when I am down there for as long as I can it has to be called something.

What is cock worship?

Quite simply it is way more then just a blow job. It is paying attention in a very admirable way a man’s cock, balls and even ass to many. It is not about getting the Master’s cock hard and eventually an orgasm although that usually happens but to literally taste, smell, caress, lick, suck, look at admirably and touch in a way to show or love, respect and lust for something that not only gives us such pleasure but is clearly so important to our man.

Why do men like this?

Well the quick answer is why would they not. But that makes for not a blog entry. So lets us “blow off” the perhaps main reason in our heads of pure sexual arousal and focus on some of the psychological aspects.

Let us go back in time to let us say forever. Why do men love oral sex so much? My answer lies in the age old cliché and general practice of…

Fuck the slut and marry the virgin

But come on Lin, is not what most male dominants want is their woman to be a slut and enjoy putting out when and how they want it? The answer is a big yes but most men want their woman to lust for them and their specific cock and not just lust after sex and any cock. Sure there is an aspect of the good girl for public appearance and raising children but they still want the good girl to be a slut for them. So I never buy into those two things being the drive for most men not to go after sluts.

No most men avoid sluts out of insecurity and ego issues. They and certainly this is going to be subconscious but I read and hear this constantly of the idiotic thought of two things. If a woman loves any cock why would she be faithful and the best fuck of her life will always win her heart.

We see this time and time again in society. How many of us know women who fucked anything that had a cock but as soon as they wanted to settle down re-invented themselves into Miss Conservative to the point of bashing other women that could not keep up with them sexually? It happens constantly. Why? Because that is what the serious in settling down male goes hunting after. This is also very much the case for most men in the power exchange life.

Then why is cock worship a big thing?

We can spend the rest of our lives uttering the words “I love you” and “I love our sex life” and they just will only get us so far. If we do not have actions that back this up through our others eye’s the word not only becomes meaningless but they can often feel manipulative and cutting.

A good old blow job where nothing is to be reciprocated is one of the most if not the biggest standard “I love you” things we women can do for our man. Let us face it an orgasm is what men like. Hell we like then as well so let us stop being politically correct. Oral sex the right way can simply be a crystal clear message of how much we care and want the other to be very happy!

Probably most reading this from either gender have known the difference in oral sex because the person just wants to pleasure the other and oral sex because they only think the other expects it or it is some form of barter. So whether the person just wants the other to think they are good in bed, get a favor from the other, you did or will do me if I now do you and things like this. The no strings blow job is a declaration of love and cock worship is taking it to another level.

Cock worshipping is attaching your sluthood to your other. It is declaring your lust for them sexually by pointing out their cock and balls to be gloriously enjoyable for you to interact with. It is a strong statement of I am a complete slut for you and not what any old hard cock can do to my pussy.

Atmosphere wins again

Men and especially men that love us are just like us in many ways. One of them is the more they know we enjoy something the more they will feel confident and free to indulge in it. Cock worshipping can give great confidence for a Master to know that it is ok for him to indulge in his favorite thing. That we are not only ok in it but we want you to. There just is nothing wrong with creating an atmosphere in your relationship where sexual activity is considered welcomed. Where a man can be confident in being sexual with his woman and that she indeed is a slut for his cock and this also includes power exchange ones. It is practice and not words that creates the atmosphere we want in our relationship.

Cock worship may indeed sound quite pretentious but so what; you will not hear this from some cock loving slut like me. Now when will my Master be home…

Guilt by Example

2009-03-06T14:32:00.003-06:00

I get asked occasionally in cyber and use to get asked constantly in my days active in various local communities if my identifying as a slave and outward behavior do I ever feel guilty that I can represent the false stereotype of Asian women are submissive. My always quick answer is a firm no and a roll of my eyes. Why should I be condemn to live a life and behave in a way because of the idiots in the world who have simplified my race and gender to a false stereotype or to certain fellow Asians who seem too obsessed in making the sure the world thinks exactly like they do. Simply no thank you, I embrace who I am and even behaviors I have that are Eastern cultured based that can be subject to an idiots interpretation.

I often try to avoid talk about racism for a couple of reasons. First as an Asian woman I perhaps have the lowest hurdle as a minority which is still not to write it has or will not happen in terms of racism and stereotypes because it has and does. I know compared to Asian men and African-Americans I have it quite easy. Second whenever discussing racism as a large topic in general one has to factor a common scope that is almost impossible to agree on. What I mean by scope how people often define something being racist rather then something just being ignorant or stupid can always be different.

For example, if I go to eat at a good restaurant and I ask the waiter what are the side dishes the odds are good that rice will either get mentioned first and probably no later then second. Is that racist? To some that would be but to me it is just lame ignorance and the waiter just trying to be in some combination lazy/efficient. Why, is because the waiter will do this to everyone not just the Asian. The waiter will inevitably with the same question say mixed vegetables to the thin Caucasian woman. The waiter will inevitably start with French fries and types of baked potatoes to an overweight person. So a person that sees race in everything will just focus on their slight or a person who down plays everything just thinks it is a case of a waiter guessing without judgment.

Now for a more direct example in terms of what I have been writing about. Back in college I lived only forty-five minutes away from my parents. This meant I was not excused from many social functions which they enjoy throwing. This also meant getting dressed up and for my Mom that was non negotiable in traditional Taiwanese style which I would do before leaving my dorm. One day after such an event a couple of floor mates who were of Asian ethnicity came into my room to discuss in what I would call somewhat in a intervention way my dressing this way. They wanted to inform me that it was embarrassing and demeaning to them. I hope needless to write this came as quite a shock to me.

As the conversation went on I learned that a boyfriend of one of them saw me dressed that way and wonder if they had some similar outfits and some other people did make some inappropriate comments in our dorm from seeing me dressed that particular way. They “communicated” to me that as an American I had the right to wear what I want and if I “could not” do that I could dress once I got to my home. I “communicated” to them that I been in America for over a decade, was a citizen just like them and that maybe they could tell by my lack of any accent. Plus I would dress how I damn well wanted to which I was very proud of my culture to dress in a more traditional way. So in this example we have ugliness from a couple of sources the people making comments to the women and the women to me. This is not uncommon from my experiences of being mixed cultured. I have also many experiences of the opposite of not being “Asian” enough as well.

The morals of this blog entry, when you cannot win it can be quite easy not having to try then and ignorance invades all races.

Asian Females are Submissive – Redux

2009-03-05T18:03:00.000-06:00

My least favorite writing was on this very subject last March. I rambled and it was an overall mess. I want to try again.

The stereotype of Asian women being submissive and in general oppressed in the culture is based on non consistent observations and failure to understand the difference in cultures by how they have developed through time and from the differences in the spirituality/religion that is in any cultures foundation no matter what an individual practices.

First here is the actual fact of the matter, Asian women are not remotely naturally submissive and while culture can make complete freedom of choice not a reality by no means that Asian women are oppressed and miserable for it. In fact comparing an Asian women to a Western women life and freedoms you will see immensely most things very similar then different.

Why does this myth get perpetuated so much?

1) People observe limited things and make grandiose judgments.

Someone goes over to an Asian country for a limited time and only observes public behavior. So they see the women doing what looks like submissive things like walk behind their men, wait on them and in general very respectful. They make the erroneous assumption they are like this 24/7. This is wrong and one not just read a definition but truly understands the concept of face (respect) to all Asian people not just men or top business people.

Now to truly get face one could write a novel and still may scratch the surface of it but for the sake of simplicity it is about respecting others in public behaviors and actions. No Asian wants to be disrespected in public. It is truly a huge thing. The problem when discussing face is it is based on Eastern thoughts and terms and not Western. Couples are not going to bad mouth or any other action to show anything but harmony for each other in a public setting. But put them in private and all bets are off. But Asians are way more private then Westerners so to see this side of them is rare even if you spend time with them. For example a private chat between two friends at home a wife can bash her man for three straight hours but with those same friends at some public party not a word. By the way, this goes for the men too. Are there exceptions, of course, but that is more about gray areas and people’s character and not about submissiveness and oppression.

The other part Westerners fail to see is that Eastern culture has a hierarchal bent to it and is quite formalized. So see a women walking behind her man and think submissive is lame because you will see the President of a large corporation walk behind and get the door for the CEO of that company. It crosses gender.

2) We in the power exchange community are idiots about assigning everyday tasks as dominant or submissive.

Cooking a meal does not make one submissive. It just means a person is cooking a meal. Not working or taking a job below ones qualifications in order to take care of the children is not submissive by the act itself. In fact most Western women make this exact same decision and often have to argue with their husband to do this. Hardly submissive! Making a decision or expressing an opinion is not a dominant gesture or a sign of strength just because.

But for some reason if a stranger does these things and especially if we have a language barrier then all of a sudden we imagine a power exchange dynamic to it. It is simply asinine.

3) Asians raised/lived all or mostly in Western culture often help give fuel to this myth.

Sounds racist or turncoat I know but it sadly very truthful in my experiences. I consider myself at times a person without a culture because I believe and live many aspects of both cultures and do not identify mainly with just one. I spent so much time in my informative years in both and taught by my parents to respect both. I remember going to college at a school that has a large Asian student body thinking that would be really helpful and found just the opposite. I found many Asian Americans that grew up entirely in the western culture trash their own race and Eastern culture which they were quite clueless about as most young adults who choose to trash the repressive elders called parents and grandparents.

The problem is they feel the affects of racism and idiotic stereotypes as much as people like me do so their views have to be respected but that also gives them an unfortunate free pass and assumption of knowing Eastern culture that I have found to be sorely lacking when it comes to the relationship dynamics of men and women. Quite simply they often are the biggest promoters of the whole Asian females in Eastern culture are submissive or oppressed.

Differences even slight ones can freak out people that they will unfairly judge different as being bad in some way. This transcends races or gender.

If most Asian women are not all either submissive or oppressed then why are so many ok being in a more traditional role marriage?

It has to do with the difference between Western and Eastern spirituality.

Western spirituality is individualistic. It is about accomplishment of being someone. It is about moral statements of how we and things should be. Eastern spirituality is more about group interaction. It is about learning and understanding how things actually are and how they interact with one another. It is about responsibility to the group over one self.

So how is this expressed in many relationships?

In Western culture you get everything often based on an individual thought process. You get the preaching of a women can have it all, a great career, husband and children. But very little teaching of how that interacts with the husband and children as individuals and not mythical objects. Very little teaching of how to get things or the effort/sacrifice to get some but cannot really all have. Just be this and it should be this way type thoughts.

In Eastern culture you are taught to see things for how they are and interact (Yin/Yang) including men, women and relationships. You can learn to be loved and cherished requires you to love and cherish as well and especially not as a condition to. You will learn to love and cherish your family often means not being able to love and cherish some awesome trendsetting career.

How does reality between the two play out?

Certainly they are more similar then different as there are plenty of wonderful loving and satisfying relationships and plenty of bad relationships in both cultures. The difference though often comes to awareness of what it takes. In Western relationships people can be too prone to bristle and rebel when the dichotomy of what we think life should be like and what life is actually like and especially when we filer other human beings we interact with in relationships. This can lead to the resentment or maybe a milder way to put it frustration of balancing false expectations and reality. Eastern relationships have the same things but have been taught to see the connections, dependencies and limitations of things. Does not mean they are any happier because of it but they understand and accept them better.

Let me be very blunt and discard the exceptions to the rule and focus on the majority, a woman who will marry and have children. Both cultures this will mean the woman will either stop working, take a part time job or limit a full time career path. Most women will be the prime caretaker of the children. Most will do at least the majority of the domestic chores. What they will also have in common is that 99% of them never thought or communicated something like “I wanted my husband to play Mr. Mom and quit his job or cut back severely while I worked long hours, nights, weekends and traveled for mine.” Sorry oppression is simply not a valid argument in my eyes.

For many Western women this example still they bristle with what ifs, hate to do stuff and compartmentalize their love of their children separate from the sacrifice of other things it took. For many Eastern women they accept and embrace their main desire of taking care of their children and what that all entails by seeing how it is all connected. Do some wish they could see how far they could have gotten in a career, of course. Do some or many dislike chores, of course. But they accept it is part of their life and simply see no benefit complaining about it or wishing all hassles away.

This thought process is in their relationship between man and wife as well. Want a loving relationship and for the other to love and take care of you in the way you want to be in a realistic fashion? Then what do I have to do so the other feels loved and taken care of in a realistic fashion? Western focuses on themselves and judges things right or wrong like it is a campaign far too often. Eastern it is simply more accepted to be ok with the differences between men and women.

So often when you see an Asian woman fussing, spoiling and even looking submissive to their other it has nothing to do with being submissive or oppressed. It is simply because they know these actions are their contribution to showing their love and devotion to their other and this will in return in equal effort and appreciation the man doing things that show how love and devotion toward their other on their terms. In all honesty in some ways far more manipulative then submissive! Again to point out divorce rates are not any different in either cultures. Incompatibility and selfish people know no culture influence as a cause.

Conclusion

Looking at brief glances of public behavior that seems more different then actuality because of the setting and maybe language differences does not mean Asian women are submissive. Seeing maybe by a percentage more Asian women accepting of traditional roles including spoiling her man is not as submissive but more understanding how things are connected in life between people and what can be controlled and not.

Think one can find any Asian woman to be their submissive or automatically embrace a traditional role because that is just how they are and that translates directly to Western traditional role is quite ignorant.

Amendment

I wanted to talk about oppression in Eastern society a little. Is there oppression, yes there are things that even in the modern world many/most/I find troubling. You will still find in poor rural areas still some arranged marriages then marriages out of love. You will still see too many trapped in bad marriages because they have no realistic option in order to survive. Eastern culture does have a hierarchal bent toward it and this can lead to selfish decisions in a relationship that most of us would not respect.

But all of these things are the minority. People in very rural America who also would not consider moving to a big city have limited options as well, not the same of course but both are not necessarily under gun point to be in their situation as well.

The real most oppressive thing going on that affects the majority of Eastern countries to this day and that it is still common to base jobs with gender. So for example a male nurse I doubt you would see very many if at all in many countries but you will also see few if any female doctors. It has gotten better in many countries to the point of actually a lot better. But it is still a big problem on the whole.

But when most write about oppression they write about the trapped traditional wife who could not work and therefore leave her bad husband. This is just fiction. As I wrote above divorce rates are just as high in Asian countries as Western countries. Women do work and just like Western women are more prone to voluntarily give up working or a career by their choice then be pressured by their husbands.

Happy and loving couples tend to transcend culture and tend to care about the other being happy more then they care about being happy. Bad relationships look the same way in both cultures as well lots of bickering or no talking and passive aggressive behaviors. Bad and selfish people are also in both cultures as well.

Asian Women Submissive-Bonus Material

2009-03-05T14:41:00.003-06:00

Whenever I communicate about this myth I often get many responses from people who have spent time in Asian countries or Asians themselves and often point out obvious stuff that is more of the “No way in hell are they either submissive or anything like you say either” type comments. This and in preparing to post this I did some research of what is written in this are on the Internet I want to clarify or expand on some things that I wrote or gets often communicated to me. These are not meant purely debunking a myth but Asian women behavior in general.

1) My discussion is based on the myth more how it relates to submissive through the eyes of someone into power exchange relationships and not submissive in terms of how I regular relationship person might think of it. Sacrifice and deferring to another on your own terms in the when and why does not mean submissive to me. Just because a woman may fuss over their man does not make that submissive.

2) Most men who try to date Asian women are usually going to be seeing young adult females late teens early to mid twenties. Most are meeting these women in very social settings like bars. Asians are no different in their maturity process then anyone else. You are looking at ground zero of an age and type that is not the average Asian mature women but women enjoying being young and exploring life. Another huge ass myth not all Asian women crave to live away from their family in America or other Western well off countries.

3) When I write about an Asian woman understands and can fuss over and spoil their man as part of how to express love and devotion it is not a given or is it remotely no strings attached. It comes with huge ass strings. This concept needs to be taken with the concept of Yin/Yang in living in harmony. An Asian women might fuss and spoil over their man out of love and devotion but that is going to be contingent they get love and devotion back on their terms from the man. If those things do not happen all bets are off. This is also more about actual love then just designation of a boyfriend. To be on a couple of great dates or what she believes is more of a fling would never get this behavior. If she does not get back what she gives that puts the relationship out of harmony and look out!

4) “My girlfriend bitched at me constantly” or “I know a couple of Asian men real well and all they do is complain what bitches their wives are”. See number three about harmony in a relationship. For more normal terms see compatibility and needs/desires not getting satisfied. If one thinks these were or at least you thought you were doing the normal things one must realize what is normal and expected for a Westerner can be quite different then for an Easterner.

For example, your fling girlfriend might not know it was a fling or even if it was not a fling did you not take meeting and interacting with her family seriously. Did you blow off or infer that spending time with her family sucked. Did you stop taking her out on nights and places she normally is accustomed in going to going out? These are just a couple of examples of what Westerners might think no big deal but can be huge ass deals and make a relationship not be in harmony.

5) As written in #3 and #4 specific expectations are expected in return. My quick summary of the difference in cultures is that they are basically the same but everything is just more extreme and serious in the Eastern ways compared to Western ways. An Asian woman has expectations and obligations their man is suppose to take care of. These can be of the usual noble ones described by all but they can be also what many can find shallow but they are still to be taken very seriously. If you date someone from another culture no matter how open they are to yours they still often see things and expect things based on their values and culture. Most Western men fail in this area by not knowing what these are and often not liking how some are consider politically incorrect even if they are the same in the Western world. Just because you do not like it or it gets played down does not mean it is not extremely important.

The last two are responses for the many men that spend some time/more then a vacation in an Asian country but come back with often negative views about the country and the women.

6) Many that stay for awhile never bother to learn and follow the local customs and fail to learn even some basic phrases of the local language. Many of these people then complain about how rude everyone is to them including the women. Think of it this way, a friend comes and stays at your house for a weekend. You treat them like a guest and go out of your way to accommodate them without expecting them to contribute in some way. But what if a friend comes and stays with you for like six months. We expect them to pitch in their fair share of the household chores and living expenses. Many who go over to a foreign country hang out in Western friendly bars and with other Westerners and fail to learn let alone follow any of the local culture. Soon you become to the foreigners who you interact with on a consistent basis the friend who has stayed at the house for six months and still expects to be treated as a welcomed guest. You will simply get a different behavior toward your inconsideration toward them combined from your initial impression when they put their best foot forward and it will in fact be quite a drop in the way they treat you. You would do the same thing if someone did that to you.

7) Foreign women are not naïve. They know men from different countries are still men and most looking for company/sex for just their time in the country. Those who are into that just might not be the best sample of a typical Asian woman that hang out in Western friendly bars or gravitate in general to a Western man. A Western woman who spends her time in bars multiple time a week and other “hip” social events you pretty much know is going to expect a boyfriend of their to keep them entertained in this fashion. We also know that whether a phase or just who they are they are not expected to get married, pop out a child and live a complete domestic type life anytime soon. Do not expect an Eastern woman to be any different if she loves these things as well. Do not judge the people by one small sub set.

Why I took my blog down

2009-03-03T13:43:00.001-06:00

I was ordered to and rightfully so by my Master to stop writing on it. I had a lot on my plate and put too much pressure on myself to post things that the reason for writing in the first place was no longer present. I made it blocked from anyone reading because I did not want to be one of those blogs that just stops and nice people keep clicking and wasting time if nothing new was posted.

I am not promising anymore new postings but at most sporadically. I also with encouragement from my Master told me I should vent more but we shall see if that is a direction I go. One of the points I needed to quit was I had about ten really good things I had started to write but when I would read them I did not recognize myself in the writing from the negative tone.

So I put this up because I do think there is some good stuff here for people to read as my blog has always been essay based talking about topics and not a life journal. I hope to contribute more but do not expect often and sometimes maybe just vents to blow off some steam.

Lin, still very much in love with my Master and the life of being a TPE slave.

Reading between the lines

2008-11-30T02:00:00.003-06:00

Just felt like a little blow off steam but tried to pull it off with a lame message. Comes out a little too mean spirited on the person I use, but you really have to know this person.

Often when we rush into something or wish for something we ignore all warning signs and things end up biting us on the butt. I know a certain Mistress personally from over a decade ago, my how time flies. I see her pop up on all the message boards. Now I have referred to her in this blog as my favorite fake dominant because she has enough theoretical knowledge, experience of some nature and is active in local and even wider national community to look legit but underneath the outer coating is a major does not get it person.

Anyway I was reading her profile and just had one belly laugh after another. She has actually grown in many ways since I last knew her and her personal life but the growth is still that classic fit wishes and preferences backward into an M/s philosophy. Here are some lines I am paraphrasing but not distorting.

I am a poly Mistress. I am looking for two to three slaves that are service oriented in nature. I consider myself hetro-flexible although I prefer males but will consider an outstanding female. I expect my slaves to understand that a good slave is only concerned about obeying my orders, directions and pleasing me. A slave should only add to a home and not detract from one.

I do expect you to maintain full time employment. I am not insane and know that depending on the number of slaves living with me that with full time employment that sometimes you will not be able to do all the duties required of a good slave. I am willing then to do things although I will do only the ones that least bother me.

I am not into punishments as good slaves should have self discipline and a work ethic. I will reward slaves in the kinky things for outstanding work. I do require you to initiate sex but always respecting no and not to ever harass me about it.

Now I will break this down and with my personal knowledge of her and my former owners who know her all too well and have known her and many and I mean many of the men who fooled themselves thinking she was a Mistress. I will decode these words. I will be honest I will guess most of you can decode these words without knowing her.

I am a poly Mistress. I am looking for two to three slaves that are service oriented in nature. – After twenty years of looking for a slave that would put up with me not lifting a finger I am now deeming myself poly and seeing if multiple slaves will add up to me not lifting a finger or any effort toward my slaves.

I consider myself hetro-flexible although I prefer males but will consider an outstanding female. – I was totally straight until I turned forty. In fact I use to make degrading comments and was quite the homophobe including lesbians. But I really hate lifting a finger at home and if a female can help with that I will consider it. But she will never be recognized other then a friend that lives there at best.

I expect my slaves to understand that a good slave is only concerned about obeying my orders, directions and pleasing me. A slave should only add to a home and not detract from one. – Seriously I am warning you I do not engage or go out of my way for other people including people I want to live with. Do not expect me to visit your parents with you, go to a wedding with you unless it is for someone I know and just in general no demands of my time just because we are in a relationship.

I do expect you to maintain full time employment. – Please all losers calling yourselves slaves as a way not to work, forget about it.

I am not insane and know that depending on the number of slaves living with me that with full time employment that sometimes you will not be able to do all the duties required of a good slave. – I tried this for a long time and this seemed to be a big issue as it seems a good slave willing to work full time, do all domestic work, do landscaping and major house improvement projects is just a myth. I have now accepted I maybe should get multiple mediocre slaves so all the work gets done.

I am willing then to do things although I will do only the ones that least bother me. – If at anytime all I could get was one slave, I am now willing to do a few things in order to make sure they do not bolt on me. What has happen to this world?

I am not into punishments as good slaves should have self discipline and a work ethic. I will reward slaves in the kinky things for outstanding work. – I really have absolutely zero interest in anything kinky and do not get even the most basic elements of power exchange. I have several things I am an expert at but please understand that my only interest in learning them was so I can demonstrate and preach in local communities to have some needed street cred to try to fool them. I have not learned anything new in over a decade and never ever attend/paid close attention to someone else’s demonstrations and seminars. I am a narcissist and do not have time for those lowly people unless they compliment me or make me feel better then them and I place them well above my slaves although I will never admit it.

I do require you to initiate sex as I will not but always respecting no and not to ever harass me about it. – This is how desperate I have become. In lieu of one real and true slave I now have to offer the hope of sex just to get one to talk to me. I really am completely asexual and I am not even sure I will give you anything more then a hand job once a year. But I have gone through all the males in my local community and have gained the reputation of no sex ever and that seems to be a major stumbling block. I mean I do not get it, in all my local community involvement and message board activity I get on my ordained great big pedestal and constantly preach practically in every breath how sex has nothing to do with the power exchange life and slaves should only have one desire and that is to please their owner. I mean every time people talk about sex I am often there to brow beat them with my latest intellectualized theory that dismisses the importance of and need of sex that I strung together alone in my house after getting dumped again. People should have learned and seen the light by now! But no they have not and now I have to resort to pretending sex will be in the relationship. Can you imagine just how hot that sex will be if it does happen?

Yes, this was mean spirited. I could make up some noble reasons as evidence for my points but I will leave it as is. Yes, you can also make the case for plenty of codes words and phrases for submissives and even break them out by gender. In fact that was what I wanted to do with this post but clearly wanted to rip this woman instead, maybe in a future post I will get to those.

Sometimes the clues are not really hidden that deep

Often people have to wait a long time to find someone that might interest them and the person is interested in them back. Often we can grow frustrated and start becoming too hopeful or willing to try to get anyone after awhile that remotely fits. But that is where trouble can start.

On paper this women at first glance can look ok. Experienced so one might think she is serious and knows what she is doing. Does offer kink and sex and does not come straight out and say no to these things or asks for money and tribute. Does not come out and clearly indicate only wanting free labor. Even blowing by the need the man to initiate sex can quickly be justified as she likes sometimes to feel more like a woman and get seduced. So I can see why so many male submissives have made the mistake in hoping this woman could be their Mistress.

But if you do step back and question the language it is all right there. Hetro-flexible basically means, not that all who use it would agree, that one of the sexes really does not do it for me but I can be sexual with them if it fits the relationship. That should say why does she open to the female as she is not married it is just her and she also writes strongly prefers men. It means she want stuff done for her. It truly is a red flag whenever a dominant communicate a slave should only be concerned for their owner’s desires and nothing else. That can really only mean a selfish inconsiderate person or a clueless does not get it, so do not toss that out when you read it thinking standard life cliché. It should be a giant clue that she will not initiate sex. Think about it, a dominant wanting a 24/7 slave. If she had a sex drive she would at least sometimes initiate sex, even women slaves and regular women initiate sex from time to time. Do not get lost on thinking well she did say she would put out. You’re a slave how much do you want to have sex with a person who will clearly express not wanting to?

So instead of wasting time and becoming burned out and frustrated by chasing anything, whether live or in cyber save the time and energy and choose who will be best for you and not what you just hope might be a fit. Read or listen to the words they will leave al the clues you need if you look at them close enough and objective enough.

Oh Know! Punishment!

2008-11-27T08:00:00.002-06:00

I must admit to maybe taking too much pride in trying to truly be a to each their own philosophy both in life, in total power exchange relationships and kinky things. Obviously I am far from perfect but I at least like to obnoxiously think I am more to accepting differences then one way type thoughts. I must admit though that when it comes to whether punishments are needed in TPE relationships and even ones that are less severe that I have a tough time in buying into the people that proclaim that they have no such thing in their relationships.

I was just reading an article in the paper about another study that came out that showed punishment with children is not effective in correcting their bad behavior. These studies no matter children or in other areas like prisoners always conclude the same thing. The things that always bother me are two things; they always take a generic punishment form and apply it to many different circumstances and history of human behavior shows punishment being used everywhere.

We punish children by quiet time and taking away good stuff. We screw up at work we are punished by lower raises, not getting promotions or getting terminated. We punish in regular relationships the withholding of sex, not doing something out of being pissed and various passive aggressive actions. Then why are their some who insist that punishment is not in their relationship in a severe power exchange relationship. If not something laid out and structured for consistency then to pretend punishment of the regular couple variety does not take place is difficult for me to imagine.

Why do I think having punishment in an M/s relationship is important.

(Obviously many others think so to and I am not any great mind coming up with some thing new)

Quite frankly to me it just seems like a natural part of the dynamic. There is my Master who I have given power over to control me. I am not perfect or always in a super submissive and focused mood. There are a lot of things done that can be dismissed that quite simply would not destroy our relationship. But that is not what we are going after in our relationship. Punishment gives us both what we need to help the commitment and maybe more importantly SHOW our commitment to the TPE dynamic.

For a slave to know your owner not only cares enough about the dynamic but is willing to make effort in their life to work on the dynamic by not blowing off mistakes and random junk and to actually take the time to discuss and administer a punishment is a big deal. It is a big deal for an owner to know a slave is not giving lip service to the dynamic but willing to walk the walk. Do we not hate people you use the words “I am sorry” as a get out of free card in life. I know I get sick of people who treat other people badly and think an “I am sorry” makes it ok.

Another reason for me is like it or not it is motivation to stay true. I like knowing if I do not do something or break a rule that something will probably happen. It helps me not only to be my best but it is freeing me from junk thoughts like “what does it matter” or “he will never know”. Punishment is not only a determent but it is also a natural state of the relationship communicator. It provides a god place of communicating things one or both do not like and can bring out bigger picture things that may be eating away when the two people talk it out.

The last reason I think punishment is important is that to me it helps greatly when done well in helping out with the power structure, boosting the atmosphere and gives an outlet to take care of issues without resorting to passive aggressive behaviors people so often do. As I wrote in the beginning of this entry I do not buy into no punishments in relationships concept. To me if one does something upsetting then it can either fester or cause someone to react in a less then healthy way. All this can combine with issues growing into mountains when they could have been stomped out very easy when they were molehills.

Why do some seem obsessed about not having punishments?

Quite honestly I see three main motivations for the people who argue against or claim their relationships are punishment free.

1) Not wanting to make the effort. Many relationships that go in to power exchange are often people with firmly agreed upon job duties that is more about structure and commitment to that structure then actual power exchange. The dominant male wants the 1950’s wife and a willing bedroom submissive and the female submissive that wants an alpha male and to be a bedroom submissive. But neither group wants to ever do things they naturally would not do or make any effort in investing in the relationship when it comes to actual power exchange.

2) Quite simply both gender and roles that have issues with their ego and self esteem. The concept of out in the open punishment goes to chip away the delusion they enjoy and create using power exchange that they are awesome as themselves or their other is awesome therefore by deduction they are awesome. These are people that when discussing punishment never come close to getting or acknowledging aspects of punishment like penance and the moving on. There the submissives that communicate the disappointment of doing something wrong is punishment enough. They cannot admit to anything less then perfection either in themselves or their relationships and punishment simply does not compute with openly admitting to non perfection.

3) Those that use the reward system to re-enforce good behavior. I know it sounds so cool and right does it not? Well a tip of the hat to my favorite fake but really experienced Mistress who uses this system. The old be a good slave and I will feed you some sex and/or kink. I wrote about this in a whole blog entry here but why it is idiotic is that is not a power exchange relationship or domination at all but someone with no dominant ability or no effort wanting to be spoiled and asking how much will this cost me and paying it in kinky things.

Issues and myths about punishments

1) I do not want to fill my relationship up with a bunch of junk. I could not agree more but that would only happen if you were stupid enough to have so many things in your relationship like too many rules or rituals or think absolute perfection in very insignificant things is a punishable thing. So if you are spending more time looking for things or worry about missing punishable things then you may want to change things and throw some of the rules or ways you deal with things.

2) I would be too nervous and walking on eggshells for fear of screwing up. Pretty much the same thing as one but again from a slave’s standpoint but there is a big difference in worrying about doing things to avoid after plenty of time that they should be secondhand and finding the right balance where over time everything is secondhand.

3) I am a mature adult and not a child. Punishment is for the immature and the too emotional people. No punishment done right takes the emotion out of things and helps the people discuss things and move on. Those who are too mature are the ones typically not dealing from an honest place and will let emotions fester and act out in non healthy ways.

Punishment is not really about screwing up

Punishment to me is a vital component of a significant power exchange relationship. Not because we must point out disobedience or rule violations whenever they happen, but that there is something in place to deal with things that make a dent into the dynamic and for both sides to have an open and healthy way to deal and move on. We are not perfect human beings and while some like to think maturity and mastering of themselves can deal with things with perfect open communication, the fact is most of us will fail often enough to cause problems. I do not want to live in a relationship that is normal and that includes dealing with problems when they pop up as well.

I want to write more about the specific aspects of punishments, types and when to do them but will save that for another post(s).

No Angle. Just Be You.

2008-11-24T10:00:00.001-06:00

One of the most common discussions between men and women is men will always bring up the lame thought of “why is it women are not attracted to nice men”. It is always one of those mind boggling thoughts men come up with as I do not think any women has ever gone I do not like nice men.

When getting into the power exchange life this topic just goes to another level as men debate this endlessly and with the usual finesse of doing surgery with a rusty hack saw come up with gross generalizations that just astound the brain.

Please men please discuss amongst yourselves what is nice and the best way for things as you measure the size of your cocks. The men actually walking over and talking to the women are the ones who will take us home and fuck us.

Women will decide if you are nice or not and not what you think nice is or if you are. There is a reason why sometimes the beautiful women are seen with ordinary men and people scratch their heads. The reason is because the men made the effort and pursued those women.

Women do not order men off a menu. They do ask a waiter for the best dominant man with a side of nice and are all set. Like men our options are the men who are interested in us and like it or not we are just not going to tap you on the shoulder and go I want you. We may hint up a storm or we may wait and hope but history shows a forever pattern of expecting men to make the moves.

Women in general but women who want sever power exchange relationships lust after men who are assertive. Assertive does not mean ass and it certainly can include being nice and classy. We have actual disdain and are repelled by passive men who do not show self confidence, the ability to have an opinion and cannot lead or make decisions.

It does not matter how nice and classy you are if you want to find a woman who identifies as a slave or sub with slave like tendencies as most men want bring the assertiveness and stop worrying about projecting “nice”. Let me be clear here, not projecting nice does not mean project jerk instead.

Men would you be insulted if you only thought women thought you cared about was the size of their tits?

Whenever I read about men debating nice that one note is all that I hear. It is this loud annoying one note. You of course when looking for a long term someone want a lot more then just one thing. Why do you think all women are only looking for nice when they meet you?

Women are looking for a lot of things just like you men are. One thing is nice but we also know nice when first meeting, whether in person or cyber, and nice by what we consider nice is two different things. So when making contact with a woman if you obsess over trying to communicate you are nice and this hides other qualities you are destroying your chances.

Are you fake?

Whenever I read or talk to men where the subject of nice comes up that is what I really hear. Because often men will reel off stories of how they specifically tried to be nice or even tried to be “jerks” like “other” men they see. In power exchange the words change to the more common I talk to this woman as an equal and not all dominant like.

Well are you intentionally or even unintentionally putting on an act and not being yourself because the woman will not respond to that. Seriously whether live or in cyber most women will get a sense if they are being played or not and that will get you the dust off. So the next time you think you want to come off as nice, come off as dominant or come off as assertive you have sent to your own mind to not be you. That will always come with a risk.

Men I know so many of you want the secret code to unlock all women as potential slaves for you. But there is none. Thinking of a way to act or specific words have a universal magic spell to cast over women that wins them over is a waste of time.

Always be yourself!

Three words and all the advice I can give you. I have no magic words to give you. I have no concept of what nice and assertive can be to be universally accepted as nice and assertive. I have no concept of what will make a women think that is the one. Stop wasting your time on the thought of nice or a jerk, polite or rude and casual or demanding. Those other men that claim what they do works great because that is what they do are liars.

Whether you think you are nice or not do not worry and realize that is up to the woman to decide. Whether you are assertive or give off the vibe of dominance or not is also up to the women. If you project an act all that will cause is trust to be destroyed when you can no longer keep it up. If you think that you will flip a switch and turn from super vanilla man to super dominant man in your personality that is not going to happen. Acting a role either before or after will not cut it.

So please stop worrying about if women want to see this and just be yourself. What do you care if a woman does not want you if you show who you truly are. Think of it as a blessing of time not wasted because you played them with an act. It just takes one special woman for you and I guarantee you that woman will find you nice and all dominant like for who you are and not what you project.

Stop worrying about style when communicating and spend that time working on the substance of the communications. Nice guys do not finish last but actors playing do.

Demystifying Sadism

2008-11-22T01:00:00.002-06:00

Whenever sadism is discussed in this life it is often surprisingly how many definitions one could come up with by the responses. But peeking back once you removed fear, prejudicial preferences and dictionary dynamos it is not really a confusing topic. The topic just gets confused because it is a powerful word that makes sometimes even the most “experienced” amongst us tread carefully or sometimes unfortunately gives a platform of self promoters who can uses the built in fear the word has.

One of the problems is the word sadism is pretty universally thought of as a bad word so people even in this life run from the word. When I first got into this life the first thing that I think stunned me the most when talking about the life was just how politically correct most people approach it. To discuss sadism most of the time you will get either the sociopath definition or you get the romantic version of a top doing it for a pain slut (masochistic). Well there are things in between and when in the context of total power exchange sadism can bring much to the table if an owner is a sadist in some way and the slave is either masochistic and/or has a power fetish.

The following below is just a few vague definitions/labels to see where sadism rangers in this life. I do not separate physical and emotional sadism. They can appeal to different people and be limits as well. I preach that because you do one does not make the other more dangerous if it is a limit and therefore do not separate them.

Sadism types

1) Sociopath Like – People who enjoy inflicting pain and do not care if it is consensual or what damage it is causing. Obviously have nothing to do with the power exchange life although many who are not into sadism would like to convince most this is what makes up all sadists.

2) Sadism Fetish – People who enjoy inflicting pain and seeing the others reaction and do not care if the other enjoys it and maybe enjoys it more if they do not. These people are loving and caring people who have no desire to inflict pain on a person who does not give their consent.

3) Sensual Sadists – The most common way dominants define themselves in power exchange life. They ONLY enjoy inflicting pain on someone if the other person enjoys it (masochistic). Then they enjoy both the pain and the reaction of the other. I think if you spend enough time in local communities or try to get in good at some Chat/message board site most dominants will call themselves this. I personally do not believe all are like this and some are from #2 but to fit in and not be looked upon in disdain or just in self denial adopt this definition.

4) Top Sadists – Like #2 few admit this one then there actually are. These are people that really get no pleasure from inflicting pain but enjoy seeing the masochists enjoy their time and if in a power exchange relationship enjoy the benefits of a happy and disciplined slave.

5) Got to do what you got to do – Just people willing to give pain for discipline and punishment in a power exchange relationship because that works best for the people involved and dynamic. Not really sadists but have the ability to actually give pain.

What can sadism bring to the table in a significant power exchange relationship?

1) The more we like something the more we want to do it – For most in any significant power exchange relationship the submissive partner probably enjoys on some level pleasing their dominant. But in addition to this they enjoy submissive levels and the more intensive things done in terms of play or active domination the deeper the submissive level we feel and keep for longer stretches. Pain being inflicted on us is intense and will deepen submissive level. That is what goes on when you here submissive people in strictly domestic discipline relationships feel off or in strong need of a maintenance spanking. Not the pain but the way it makes them feel afterwards is the need. Being paired with a sadist can be more opportunity to benefit in this way.

2) Masochistic Pleasure – Pretty self explanatory. If you are masochistic having a partner into sadism is going to be pretty important. Many dominants will be capable of inflicting pain as that is something most learn they have to do in some way at the minimum when learning about the life. But if a slave is truly into receiving pain and you find yourself with a person not really into it but have done it to please you the odds are good it will taper off or always be a issue that is brought up by the slave and that can lead to problems.

3) Power is the fetish – I wrote extensively in the hypertext link if one wants to read about this in a whole blog entry. But this is what I would arrogantly guess is a vast majority of submissives who call themselves slaves and live in significant power exchange relationships have this particular attraction. For me personally I have it obnoxiously so. I lust after being dominated and being dominated by doing things I enjoy and want to do anyway is not domination. So the dichotomy of pleasure my Master gets from doing something or seeing me suffer by doing something I hate is just pure carnal and emotional bliss. Because I am owned by a man who gets turned on by inflicting pain without needing my pleasure and enjoys that I am not getting pleasure is an awesome compatibility thing with us. I suffer and get a deeper submissive level. He smiles and gets aroused and we have ourselves a mutual life is awesome time.

Sadism is not bad

I do not think anything I have written has been earth shattering or controversial. But I did want to do my part in promoting sadism in a more honest way and for the sadists out there that often have to hide their personal enjoyment of inflicting pain on someone that it is ok to be public about this. There are plenty of women out there like me that absolutely go nuts for a man that can get off by making us suffer and sadism of some type is quite awesome.

Please instead of only handling the polar ends of the discussion that we normally limit the discussion to in public know that those are not the only two options. That you do not have to play what would you like slave to inflict pain or be locked up in prison or a mental health facility. That you know there are plenty of slaves whether masochistic or not that enjoy a dominant and takes tremendous pleasure to suffer for the dominant’s pleasure in inflicting pain.

Ignoring as a Punishment

2008-11-19T10:30:00.001-06:00

Na na na na, I am pretending you are not there!

I have been trying to write something on punishment for awhile now and just have not gotten my passion into the topic but I do want to write about ignoring as a punishment.

As a form of punishment there may not be one more black and white then this one to people. Some swear it is effective and some swear it is relationship suicide. The truth is it simply depends on the people and the situations but often if one thinks ignoring is a good punishment for most things they are being very short sighted and lazy.

Psychology lesson 101 of stopping bad behavior is to not reward bad behavior. This is the foundation of all those who argue ignoring as a good punishment. The problem with this is it is clearly about stopping bad behavior only. Punishable things are all not about bad behavior and one must also dive into the cause of bad behavior. If it is just bad behavior for no other reason then it is someone’s way to get something they want then ignoring is an effective punishment. But what if the bad behavior is being caused by something else? The child being cranky is not fixed by ignoring him to he stops being cranky if this is being caused by a lack of sleep. More sleep tends to be the answer. This is what gets dominants in deep trouble when they try to practice ignoring as a catch all punishment.

Ignoring as a potentially good punishment

Basically as I wrote above that when there is a behavior happening without underlying causes that one ceases to stop. Then only ignoring when the person is acting this way is beneficial. Also it is critical when imposing ignoring as a punishment to communicate it ahead of time and for the specific reason(s). These things not done then it becomes a bad form of punishment and see number one in the next section.

I see this area in three things but that does not make them two clear cut things.

1) A slave being to needy – Now there is a compatibility factor to being too needy. But for this purpose let us assume that this is a not often thing that one would question the relationship on a whole but something that comes up on occasion. There are times when maybe a slave will get too into wanting interaction with their owner on a power exchange level. Things like always wanting an order instead of just living life or putting their immediate desires even if they are to bring pleasure to their owner over what the owner wants in the moment, I think ignoring is a perfectly acceptable punishment.

2) When a slave acts out to get some discipline/play time – Again if the slave is seeking just some enjoyment from these things is the assumption and not because they have lost there proper submissive level and are just struggling. In the former ignoring is potentially an excellent punishment as it would discourage topping from the bottom antics and hopefully with communication of what the owner prefers would encourage alternate positive ways to communicate the slave would like these things.

3) It becomes all about them – Sometimes or some slaves when we do something that causes problems or hurts our owner it can devastate us. The problem is sometimes or some slaves obsess so much about what they did they simply lose focus and compound their mistake(s) where the over reaction becomes the issue both are dealing with. Ignoring the over reaction so the slave can get back to focusing on the problem can be a useful thing. But this is a fine line thing best done in a long term couple situation.

How to destroy your relationship (When ignoring is plain old stupid and dangerous)

1) Using it as emotional blackmail – If you are upset at something a slave did ignoring becomes not about dealing with the issue and moving on but it becomes about passive aggressive poor behavior of lashing out at your slave. It simply comes off as you hurt me and now I am going to hurt you. That is just not positive behavior and a quick way to destroy a relationship as you leave the slave reeling with bad emotions and feeding insecurities that do no one any good.

2) When there are specific reasons for the behavior that causes the punishment – Did the slave act out because she was desperate, very different from just wanting, for some power exchange attention like a discipline session and was hoping that at least some swats on the ass would at least help. Sure the slave should have communicated that instead of trying something else but how does ignoring help the slave? It does not it just goes to re-enforce what was lacking in the slaves life. What about if the forgot to pick something up at the store? Ignoring is not really going to help that but depending on the amount of times it happens a punishment more about penance then ignoring would be more appropriate.

3) Out of sheer laziness – This is what often comes out of using ignoring too much, an owner who is just doing what is easiest for them and with no real care or effort to do what is best for the relationship and the dynamic.

4) When the slave has already worked themselves up about the punishable offense – This is a fine line to #3 in the section above when discussing it in theory but probably easier to recognize in real life. Simply put you have a slave that is heading in the direction of emotional tilt and it is simply not wise to ignore as that will only make the slave actually go tilt and you are into #3 section above but with two issues and possibly a no win scenario.

So do you really think ignoring is a good old utility punishment?

Remember the goal of punishment is not one note or all about the Master dealing. It is about two people acknowledging the punishable offense, penance, forgiveness by both parties and moving on. In all of these things hopefully for certain things that require long term changes to not commit the same act over and over gives the slave thought and reflection in what was done and how to be better. A punishment that just stresses them out is not one that helps reflection.

Sure ignoring can be effective if your idea of punishment is to drive the slave into an emotional mess. But here is a simple fact. Each time you go to the ignore option you are creating a break from your relationship and dynamic of some type. The more often you do it the less effective it can be and often the slave will stop looking at it as punishment and start looking at it like they are owned by a immature child and you got some serious trouble.

So you can hang on the old to stop bad behavior is not to reward bad behavior as an over simple excuse for what is often an easy out. Or you can always do what people with problems are ALWAYS recommended doing and that is talk things out and come up with an active plan. If that plan includes ignoring then go for it.

Domineering is Sweet

2008-11-17T09:00:00.000-06:00

While writing my two part manifesto on the error of one path local community behaviors and the dangerous fear spewing of some older male dominants a common finger pointing concept was always popping into my head. Often people feel the need to persecute and stereotype dominants with domineering personalities as big ass fakes and even worse abusers.

Of course there are people out there that take two seconds of creative thinking and decide being dominant means being overbearing and rude and of course a person that does that could be abusive. But to label anyone who has a domineering personality as a fake dominant and/or an abuser is beyond lame and no different if I and others wrote all the men who cannot rule with passion and claim to never have to raise their voice as fake and unbelievably wimpy losers.

But I do not want to rant in this entry. This entry is one slave’s preference and love for the dominant with a domineering personality. I also get that preference for a Master that has domineering oozing out of him is for very few of us and I am not even remotely trying to convey there the best. I do though contend a little domineering is a very good thing and good luck finding a slave who lusts over power being used on them that wants a dispassionate professor type.

One slave’s love of a domineering Master

I am a TPE slave that has a fetish for power being used on me. I do not think taking those two bits of information that I am all not that opposed to being controlled and love living with a man who has no issue of how to express his power over me. Whether physical, mental or verbal I have a thing for it. It makes me feel more submissive and it flat out turns me on. It is all good.

So this is one slave that digs a domineering personality. A man who will act passionately, be demanding and overbearing. To me these are the spice of life; help greatly with the atmosphere of TPE. Maybe what makes domineering so hot to me that it feels to me way more natural to be with a domineering man when things that constitute TPE and/or kinky happen. It can feel so much more natural when it comes off in the same or very similar personality then when a more demanding personality from another type pops out.

I like polite requests that we both know are orders and compliments like any other person but not all the time. I am in a power exchange relationship let me live it that way. I am not in a cool contest or look how well trained I am by slight verbal commands and anticipating needs is somehow equated to be some arbitrary sign of the greatness of a Master.

Give me the man who just tells me to shut up if I am talking his ear off then invoking some talk protocol number. Let me feel what he might be feeling it helps me comply and turns me on. Give me a man who sometimes just grabs my arm or my hair and forces me to where he wants me to be out of a natural move instead of someone who makes it feel like it is a planned scene because it probably is. Give me a man that can communicate to me in no uncertain terms he knows I am his and is going to do what he wants with me and not a man who acts like he thinks I am his and needs my constant approval in what he orders. Give me a man who does something to me and his only reactions was acknowledging his enjoyment in doing it and/or what he might do next time to enjoy it more then a man who uses the word scene and needs to know how and why I enjoyed it. Give me a man

I am a grown up woman. I can determine what is best for me. I know when I am happy and what turns me on and I know when I am unhappy and being treated poorly. Domineering does not mean making the receiver unhappy and treated poorly. Treating power exchange by being dispassionate and “cool” whenever does not mean automatically being a good and safe Master.

Being domineering because one thinks that how one should act is lame. But it is also lame to think not being domineering is how one should act. For this slave give me a domineering man like the one I have. His personality is just one of the many things that I love and turns me on.

Embracing Your Way Part Two

2008-11-15T00:10:00.002-06:00

Fear Spreading Self Serving Jerks

Mean title for people I have a true disdain for. These are all the full of it people who are truly pathetic and dangerous human beings in this life that for total selfish reasons that can vary need to portray themselves as not only all knowing but also know all others and surprise all others seem to be very bad people. These men are so screwed up or just plain old desperate that they have resorted to having to tear all others down to feel good about themselves or to get pathetic narcissistic ego fixes.

Why on a supposedly part two title on embracing our way these men get a whole post? Because these men are everywhere where M/s is discussed and they will stop at nothing to convince women submissives that their words are all wise and perfect and to preach fear and paranoia as the main weapon to convince these women. This goes completely opposite of education and a person learning what is best for them which is usually the lie that they pedal in trying to convince these women they are selfless and all about helping them. They are the biggest obstacle in a person reaching out to other people on this life while still being able to guide oneself to one’s own path.

The grand sketch of such a loser

Age: Usually over the age of forty but primarily will be found in their fifties and sixties.

Relationship Status: Usually single but plenty in long term relationships that they will admit to. What they will lie about is that these relationships are not M/s but very mild D/s or not power exchange at all and they or their spouse has lost complete interest in the more fun aspects of the relationship such as sex and BDSM.

Motive: To either snare a much younger woman then they could never possibly expect to or to score some narcissistic ego fix by thinking only they can help an inferior submissive woman or another who I show the light and agrees with my exact views and ways makes me awesome.

Ways they go about this:

It can be just one to all of the following means.

1) Spread fear and paranoia – The often used phrases I have seen no true source “If the devil did not exist then man would have to create him”. Well for men like this it is more like “there are bad men in this world and in M/s but I benefit if I convinced as many women as I can that most if not all the men but me are the devil”. They really on scaring women with worse case scenarios and make it look like the devil is everywhere.

2) Promote themselves as selfless human beings that just enjoy helping women new to the life – This is the classic wolf in sheep’s clothing approach. Often use phrases like “I feel obligated as an experienced Master to share my knowledge”, “I have seen so many bad Masters and seen so many women after they have abused them that I feel the need to help” and “my only motive and enjoyment is to help”.

3) Want to just be your friend – They just want to help you out. This tact is usually used by the men who especially seek out the damaged or at least they think is damaged woman.

4) Mentor propaganda – These men push mentors as being the only way you can learn and be safe. Any women should always first have a mentor and learn from them and are they not just the generous type to offer to do that for them.

The actual tools:

1) Anecdotal Evidence – They always know of women who were abused and/or found themselves in a hospital. These women always were with men that were a) younger b) not as experienced c) not a part of their local community.

2) Personal Experiences – These men seem to have experienced everything in their life. Come across every problem and found a solution. Have mastered every possible kink with years if not decades of experience. They have helped countless women all superior then they were before they left him for just the coolest reasons.

3) Prey on wounded, scared and mistrusting women by actually feeding their fears of this life, their own issues like making poor choices and help feed all their insecurities. Then fool them into thinking they have found someone who has their best interest in mind and start their narcissistic feeding frenzy.

The actual damage and destruction they breed:

1) They distort the reality of this life – Imagine if what their world view was actually true. At some point during time, usually just after they learned how to be superior Masters, all ability to learn in a safe and smart manner ceased to exist in the world. Imagine all the emergency rooms overflowing with badly hurt women every Friday and Saturday night. Imagine all of the worlds problems that involve women could be fixed by them spending time with these men.

2) There the primary promoters of limited paths. There entire self value is feeling superior to others and for others to believe and do what they say. It is not that what they usually have to say is bad. But it is bad when what they have to say is though communicated by it is the only way and done by fear anything else.

3) They are more likely to be abusers then the people they are calling abusers are. Abusers are weak self esteem challenged, same as many of these men. They often seek out weak women and get them to depend on them and feed off believing they are better then these women, same as many of these men. They often make a women feel low and think they are stupid and cannot trust their own instincts and experiences, what do think these men are doing when they feel the need to help and protect vulnerable women? Are then all or many of these men abusers? Hell no. But I am just writing I willing to bet their pool has the same percentage of abusers if not higher then any other group they point a finger at.

4) They force good people from both roles and genders to waste time and potentially screw up their own personal best path. Instead of doing actual good in taking their years of experience and leaving it at that they attack all who are not them and people have to waste their time dealing with them in all types of places we discuss this life.

Always remember it is your own path not another’s

So are all men over fifty and enjoy sharing their experiences, like younger women and helping people evil. No not by a long shot. But the men I am talking about are very easy to spot from the good guys. They do not share what THEY know and leave it at that. They share what they think they know and tell people it is the only way. They do not just share and help if asked. They feel responsible and the need to share and help the less fortunate. They are not selfless like they promote themselves. They are extremely selfish and want to feed on their intended victims.

This life may seem very different and in some ways scary. But it operates on the same principles as a regular life. What life experiences you have had, what experiences with men in judging and trusting them and how well you trust you instincts and make good choices. If these are thing you struggle with before you thought about a power exchange life the answer is not tossing out all of these things and putting your fate in the hands of a self promoted all knowing savior who claims to only want what is in your best interest. There are no selfless people out there. A person who sees a person struggling like that is not going to stoke your fears, confirm your “weaknesses” and promise the moon. A person who truly cares for you will want to see you get in a place where you can make your own choices and trust your own thoughts. These are not fictional selfless strangers, they do not exist. These are family members, long time friends and professional help that get paid and are trained to help in such matters.

People that help others help calm them, help open their eyes and calm their fears. They do not shout fire holding an empty gasoline can and a lighter in one hand and a hose in the other.

Your path is your path. Do not let other people tell you there is only a few and especially one.

Top Pet Peeves About Message Boards

2008-11-12T23:09:00.001-06:00

Hey where else to be cowardly opinionated but in a blog entry. In no order of importance and some specific to this life but some relate to any message board. Those offended, I fully admit to be guilty of some of these on occasion.

1) Writing essays and posting them for people to comment on. – There is nothing wrong with a well thought out and communicated thought. But it is important not to be so lengthy or have so much different things to comment on that attention and focus waivers for the readers. It is also very narcissistic to post a whole essay you wrote, especially when it comes off like you are the first to think about it. That is what blogs like mine are for. ;)

2) Whether innocent or not and whether consciously or subconsciously never plagiarize another person’s comments without giving a shout out to them. – There is nothing wrong in writing something you believe that is the exact same thing some one else wrote and even if it is written similar or different. But even if you already had the thing written out before reading other replies if some one else said something very similar a quick thing like “I agree with” somewhere in your post is proper etiquette.

3) Read the other replies before posting – There are many reasons for this. The thread could have been completely hijacked. The original poster might have cleared some things up in additional postings. Avoid the look of ripping off another(s) post. But it is especially rude to write “I have or did not read other posts, here are my thoughts”. It comes off as rude and very narcissistic.

4) Male dominants promoting themselves. – There are always some coming into message boards because they have been told it is a good way to advertise themselves. The problem is they left the idealized fantasy life of thinking their view is special and better and others are all losers that isolation can bring. They tend to start idiotic topics that sound good in their head with the intention of making themselves look good; topics like “Most dominant men are big fakes and only I know what I am doing” junk. They are never prepared to actually interact with intelligent and experienced people in the life.

5) Speaking in third person – If your other and you think that is cute or helps you feel submissive to do that then by all means do that between yourselves. To force it on others is just annoying. Grow up and be an adult and communicate like an adult. If you do not do that with work and family, do not do it on a message board.

6) The world is not in need of your response. - Do not feel the need to respond to every thread on a message board. If all you can add is “yuk”, “hard limit for me”, hijack the thread for a lame joke or pun and other things while adding nothing to the actual discussion then why post something.

7) Get over yourself. – A message board for most means active discussion for the people writing and reading in a particular thread. Just because you post a lot on a board and/or have written the same thing over and over as topics are constantly repeating it is phenomenally lame to bash people because you are tired of a topic coming up or even lamer providing a link to another thread and in particular your response in that previous thread. I have seen message boards get destroyed or severely damaged by regular posters who fool themselves into thinking that the message board is all about them and their entertainment and advice and not let others enjoy openly discussing things in a fluid setting. Collarme’s message board is very famous for having this problem.

8) Commenting on something in a way you have no business commenting on in that way. – I have zero problems and often enjoy reading things from posters on subjects they do not know about. But I despise people commenting on things that infer they have experience in something they do not. Classic example is a bedroom bottom commenting on M/s 24/7 things by only writing about personal experience. A topic like punishment comes up and one or many of these will respond “My Master never punishes me” or “My only desire is to please my Master”. You are a bedroom bottom by definition you have many more desires and why would your man punish you, he has no agreed power over you to punish you!

9) Commenting on kinks you do not do by only going yuk, sighting specific safety reasons in a tone that comes off a judgmental if others do those things and calling it or deeply inferring it is abuse. – To each their own and stop using an important topic like safety as a way to make yourself feel cool and superior. I can guarantee you I can look at your life and find things you do that are much more dangerous then the ones you make a comment on. Plenty of topics ask about safety to share that information on every kinky thing. Let people discuss what they are into or want to explore and not feel they have to justify it or ignore the thread because a bunch of post addicts hijacked the thread by going “yuck” or “not safe”.

10) Using anecdotal evidence or personal experiences to validate your opinion as factual theory or dismissing other people’s opinions as flat out wrong. – As an RN that actually works in an ER/Trauma center all those convenient stories of new male dominants and non local community dominants sending naïve submissives to the ER or morgue is laughable bull shit. Just the cases I have seen that easily 75% of them involve an older couple that have been doing it together for years and just got to cocky. Does that mean anyone over the age of fifty is an abuser? Of course not! Anecdotal evidence is cheap, lazy and very misleading. Personal experience is just that personal and totally biased by personal preferences and perceptions. If your words cannot form a good opinion or thought using these things to make a point rarely make your opinion more eloquent.

Embracing Your Way Part One

2008-11-11T21:30:00.006-06:00

“I can't speak for others whom I don't know. All I know is that we all have our own journey. My journey will be different from yours. We may cross paths in the future; we may not. I am not going to tell anyone what their journey should be.”- Have no clue who is credited with writing this

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.” - Paulo Coelho

I offer up these two quotes as when read most would conclude statements of the obvious. To translate these quotes to a phrase we here often when people like us get together to discuss things in M/s and in general all things in the category of kinky is “To each, there own”. A beautiful sentiment that many can quote but few follow. The human condition often has two things that can fight each other. The need to feel special and the need to fit in and unfortunately for some when this gets combined with a dash of self esteem issue it comes out “I am awesome and all others like me are awesome because they validate my being awesome. Those different must be trashed as they tarnish my view of how awesome I am”.

I wanted to write on what I found extremely troubling and one of the main causes I left being active in local communities which goes to these points. Be like us or you must be a loser often perpetuated by the older males in the group as they fight father time and looking to justify their delusional thinking that somehow older makes them all knowing and superior.

This is my under the belly of local community snob behavior and witch hunt actions.

Defend Local Communities

Defending local communities is actually quite easy to do. In fact I will always recommend anyone new to the life to seek out one in their area and become active for at least a little bit. They provide comfort and camaraderie with others that helps us accept we are not alone or screwed up for enjoying these things. You can learn a ton about the toys and how to use them as well as other things that will help you access what health risks there are and which ones you will avoid and which ones you will take on. For those you might take on there is also information how to reduce such risks.

Certainly in looking for a partner seeing someone in person and over time has advantages then doing it through a computer as well. For those who are just not sure what they are about a local community can expose you to some of the kinky things to try and see what your reaction to is. For instance, you may think you are a pain slut but find out pain sucks or pain without emotional feelings for the giver sucks.

What local communities’ lack of which is no fault of their own.

Local communities tend to not do a very good job of two things in my opinion in the three communities I was active in and hearing from others:

1) They tend not to do a very good job of communicating just how big the tent is in this life. 2) They really do a naturally poor job in accurately discussing the power exchange aspects and focus more on the kinky things. This often distorts reality and can make someone lose their way in finding a relationship.

The main reason is people gather in social groups because they share the same values and beliefs often. A local community is not any different. Those different can be shunned, not feel comfortable and leave or simply get nothing out of it and leave. Over time this leads to instead of a big tent getting discussed and explored it becomes a tiny tent with all who are inside sharing one or few beliefs.

Another problem is that often live has more of an impact and also pressure to be that way. A live seminar will always be more convincing then reading it from a book or cyber. But the truth is 90% of what goes on will be the same teaching. Exposing you to the risks of things and steps to minimalize the risk if you choose to do something but the 10% that is basically a complete variable and can be life changing for people gets taught one way in a seminar far too often.

Finally I would like to mention peer pressure. Most people feel it even if it is not cool to admit it. When in a group dynamic a person is going to be pressured to follow the herd. It just is not conducive to finding your own path at no fault but just simple psychology.

The slippery slope

I now want to start getting into the areas that can be a fine line that often get stomped on and turned into one way manifestos that I find troubling.

One of the main things all of us who dive into the life must deal with is casting off what a good man or woman is and how we are to behave from what we grew up looking at and being preached how to. Combine this with what most find scary when first entering is a very big hurdle to overcome. One of the ways we overcome it is by having common standards and ways to do things. To be able to know what to expect because others have the same expectations of how things should go, how to do certain things and to hear other people stories of going through something similar is a huge help.

The problem becomes when this communication of common or similar ways and experiences gets turned into the false view of the one way is the right way and all others are the wrong way. Right or wrong are almost always subjective and therefore often idiotic. The dominant giving a seminar on punishments that you may not get while all others are nodding their heads in approval does not make it gospel and you are not enough of something. The guy laughing at the speaker and leaves ten minutes in may not be a fool but just this person’s views are not his.

Combined all of the things I have written you have the perfect ingredients to make up the storm I think does the most damage in this life and that is the one way truisms disease. An artificial loosely made up view/instruction manual of what is cool and what is not cool. What is the “right” way and all others are the “wrong” way. The be like us or you are screwed up and dangerous to yourself or others.

A personal example of what I am talking about

The basic laws we should all be able to agree on is when doing things the top/dominant needs to be in control of himself and go at a speed and intensity that they have the ability to go and can read the other person they are with. That there are risks in all the things we do. That boundaries and safety words have to be respected in a zealot manner.

But that is not how many and especially many in local communities operate. That is too individualistic and does not have group validation principles. Let me throw this out. I love face slapping. I love it as an attitude and focus adjuster when I am off in those areas. A good slap to my face really works well with me. I love it when my Master just does it for his fun. Then it is a big turn on to feel his power and confidence over me.

But to bring up face slapping in a local community would get gasps. People calling it dangerous and others calling it emotionally troubling and most definitely give off the impression that face slapping is not something to be done without the expertise of some grand experienced Master if at all. Are they wrong to call it dangerous and potentially emotionally troubling, no they would be correct. The problem is so are all the things we do.

S&M play with a cane is dangerous but does not get the same reactions. There are plenty of people who have plenty of other mental triggers do to being physically abused or cannot do S&M but does that prevent the local community police from doing them no. Plenty of women are devastated by being raped and sex is no longer something they can enjoy. But do we point fingers when discussing rape play with our love one. No we do not.

The ONLY difference between something like face slapping and all the other physical impact or limiting things that local communities rarely act so judgmental on is simply, that face slapping is not part of the routine that they are comforted by.

End of Part One

Our paths are individual. Local communities offer many great benefits and wise things to learn. They also inherently preach one path for many with peer pressure to fit that path and not explore your own. No one is wrong that this happens but it does happen. Peer pressure, to get along often means shared views and values and a level of inbreeding limits the exploration and exposure of the big tent and often shrinks the tent.

We are all on our own path. We must find our best way and not for others to tell us what this way is. In the end we answer to ourselves and not to others.

In Part two, I will tear apart all the people who preach one way truisms for their selfish ego and greed.

It’s the Journey

2008-09-14T07:20:00.000-05:00

“If you live the sacred and despise the ordinary,
you are still bobbing in the ocean of delusion. “ - Zen Master Lin-Chi

This is one of my favorite quotes. It popped into my head a couple of days ago as I was cleaning the bulk of our home. Here I was back to the routine of my life after many weeks of big highs and a big low but especially thinking of the big highs. I then realized there is nothing now in the moment that my Master and I have a specific time frame or deadline to make that is important, which for me it has been a very long time since that has happen.

So here I was dusting and vacuuming, feeling no pain, no marks on my body healing, tired from the midst of four straight shifts at work and missing my Master as he was away on business. I realized this was my life as much as anything. As much as directly serving my Master for what ever he wishes. As much as just ordinary couple time and all other things we often love about life. So this quote popped into my head because this is what it has always meant to me. That we must be content and love the ordinary part of our life just as much as we like or pursue special moments.

To me this has merit in two things when thinking about the power exchange life.

Live for the routine and treasure the special moments

There is a link I have in my favorites here that talks about a slave getting her collar. Relax, I do not assign homework! What she wrote was that by the time they got the collar and actually put it on her it was quite anti-climatic. The reason being was her life with him was already what it was going to be and that was great. She was embracing her actual life and not just dealing with it until the next big exciting moment.

Whenever I am asked or read a question like “When do you know” in things like to move in with your Master, go 24/7, go TPE and things like that my response is always very consistent. I like to communicate that you know when you are ready when it feels like it is just another step in your life and doing it feels like it is something obvious to do.

To chase highs in our life is to guarantee failure as highs can never last and as the quote suggest cause delusions. It is not because your weekends of kink and sex with your new partner are always awesome that makes one ready for the next step. It is spending time with them during a week where you work, do chores and just more regular life forced into couple world. If that feels good and natural just like any power exchange stuff then you know you are in something for what it is and not chasing highs.

Enjoy our life for what it is and not what we want it to be.

We live as ordinary people in an average way for where we live and who we see.

I just lost a dear relative, got married, had to kiss up at work from all the time I have missed, and many other things that every human being does. We love to project this life as being special or better then others but in the end this life is ordinary but just fits us best.

So to a slave who thinks a collaring ceremony is exponentially better then even a wedding but it is really no different then any other ritual where a couple professes their love and intended commitment in front of family and friends. It is just that slave’s personal way to express it. We do not love more, communicate better and are more blissful than any other couple because we live a power exchange life. We just love more, communicate better and feel more blissful for us because it is our best way to feel these things. A Master is not of higher character or more responsible then an ordinary man just because nor is a slave more unselfish then any other person just because they are a slave.

So as I sit here typing this believe I am in the best place in my life that I have ever been. I think I am lucky but not special. I think I have worked hard to get here but I have not leaped by others who are not in as good of a place in their life. I do know and will try that even as I type this it is really not a destination but merely a moment in time. That my life is constant moments and how I do handle the ordinary and feel about them is just as important as dealing and feeling about the not so ordinary happens to me that all of us love to experience.

Taking is not domination

2008-09-10T11:17:00.003-05:00

Wanted to write a quick follow up to yesterday’s entry as someone wrote me arguing my point. They stated that they offer domination in, for them, situation of having a domestic slave.

Domination is certainly something awesome and most would say vital you can offer up to a submissive. But receiving services from someone submissive does not make one dominant and does not make that domination. Having a servant clean and cook to your orders but usually just your tastes and guidelines is not domination. Think of it this way as you do your duties at work do you feel submissive and consider your boss a Master? I think not.

Domination is active participation along with direct interaction with another with this dynamic in mind. It is not do this for us please and when you are finished you can go to your room.

For those who are willing to do kinky things, as long as no sex comes from it, for a good domestic slave that is not domination as well. That is just attempting to pay for services rendered by using something different then cash. A slave can pick up that vibe a mile away and just makes the whole situation worse. Now this does work for some but there is usually a sexual component as well.

I wrote about active domination in this entry.

I wrote about trying to pay for obedience with kink in this entry.

What do you have to offer?

2008-09-09T15:51:00.006-05:00

Hi my name is Lin and I am a message board addict. I went to check some messages on a site that I read and now rarely participate in. In the corner of the page I was on they run recent posts from the message board. Because of my addiction I was powerless to not click on one that caught my eye. Sadly it went downhill from there.

The topic was a Mistress wanting to vent how tough it has been to find a male slave for a complete relationship. That she had given up a marriage and according to her could have any man she wanted. That seemed interesting to me as I would assume that with the numbers being what they are it was not about finding someone but picking the right one if the Mistress was truly serious. Well this board has a gender bias where females get the benefit of the doubt and female dominants are basically always considered total perfection. So naturally all the messages were of sympathy.

Then one message came from a man who actually took the time to read this woman’s profile. Apparently, a complete relationship to this woman was 24/7 control, with the male doing all domestic. Support her totally financially and did I mention no sex, separate bedroom and might do something to him sometimes if he was especially good? Then some male from a couple wanted to commiserate with the woman because all female submissives are frauds because they have been looking for over a decade to find a domestic only slave and cannot find one.

Now I have written on this topic before but focused on the sexual constraint. While I am sure all of you have every word I have written committed to memory, good people, I will give this crap another go but from a different perspective.

Power exchange does not eliminate the human being in the role

I know all you fantastic male dominants out there that your decades of experience and natural strong character have given you superior qualities that make all other human beings inferior. The truth is your character has nothing to do with power exchange and plenty of good character people in regular old relationships.

I also know us slaves are just the most unselfish human beings alive. But being unselfish on our terms and time table is not unique, plenty of people in regular relationships that can offer up that quality.

Human beings have these pesky things called desires and some of these desires are mighty strong.

It would be wonderful if slaves came with only the desire to serve. That would make this entry totally meaningless. But sadly I lack in nothing to write a ton on this topic. This of course means that slaves are human with having strong human desires; desires such as happiness, intimacy, sex and security just to name big ones off the top of my head.

So with these obvious facts to sane human beings let us look back on the examples I used.

Instead of focusing on what the Mistress and couple wanted let us focus on what they offered to a potential slave.

Mistress: She offered a life of no intimacy, sex, hard work of I am sure to have and keep a good paying job plus doing all the domestic stuff and hardly any if at all actual domination. Wow! How could any male submissive turn something like that down?

I will just throw this out. Cannot a man who is submissive find a regular woman who would love to have him do all the domestic work and support her? For all that I am sure she is also willing to not dominate him although she may want intimacy and sex. That bitch!

The point is of course the Mistress offers nothing.

Couple looking for a domestic slave: They offer a fabulous life of with full time job with complete domestic work for at least three people if not more or no or crappy job where if things end will leave her in a truly crappy spot. Now let us throw in no real intimacy, sex and all the fabulous things that come from not having a partner. Things like attending social events alone, no legal protection if things break down and if not allowed a good full time job, which of course never interferes with her duties, no health insurance! Throw in probably minimal domination and what woman possibly could resist?

I will just throw this out. A woman can have friends and does not need a couple’s wife to be her best friend. She can do all domestic work for whoever she cares for. She can find men and other couples to serve and sacrifice for. But darn it one man might have the nerve to give her sex and intimacy as well and can give her domination and all the benefits of not being single but being a part of a couple in public.

The point is of course the couple really offers nothing.

Subs do not escape this scrutiny as well.

As a potential slave we all need to think what are we really offering. I have read and talked to many would be slaves that think in grand philosophical terms but when it comes to the practical details they melt in horror of actual sacrifice in actual power. You cannot say you want your master to take you when he wants then communicate he should know you well enough to take you when or get you in the mood. That is not offering up anything. You cannot expect your Master to take on extra responsibility and effort in his area and think that since you are not a doormat that equal effort in domestic things is only fair.

You cannot expect a dominant who wants a power exchange relationship to only do things to you and order things from you on the basis of you are wanting to do or willing to do in that moment. You are not offering up anything. Obedience can only be offered if in that obedience your Master is allowed and feels free to do things he wants on his schedule and that it is not mood based.

Why people do people go looking for the impossible?

Look at it this way, in real life we talk about these things with friends and family. Friends and family see us do things and offer up critique and advice. We generally do not do things that have impossible odds or will be seen as idiotic or embarrassing. We do not use these people when we go looking for power exchange relationships. Now hold on I have friends in the life, I am active in my local community and I read things from people who sound like me all the time. They do not tell me what I am after is delusional. Of course they do not but you do not really know the actual details or take the time to see it in the broad picture.

If I had a dime for every person and couple who communicate an over romanticize version of their relationships in this life I would be super rich. That woman writing in her blog how much she enjoys cleaning the bathroom for her Master after being together for over ten years is not lying. It may be an overall feeling that doing our duties gives us great satisfaction but she is not jumping for joy as she goes to clean the bathroom for the multi hundreds of time. But it might sound like that after reading it in her blog. The truth is she sat down to write that thing after cleaning the bathroom but AFTER some amazing night she had with her Master.

The woman saying her man has the right to have sex with her anytime he wants but he always does miraculously want sex when she is in the mood. Do you know for sure this is miraculous or is that person forgetting the many times she was not really in the mood or has the Master really conceded this power and does not try without positive signals from her? Here is a hint into reality. In real life or cyber people who use words like always or never they are over romanticizing their relationship or the actual dynamic that is being played out.

So the couple that had a service slave in real life or cyber fails to mention the person really did it for free room and board while going to college and/or worked around the slave’s schedule for classes or career. Maybe the slave was asexual and needed free room and board. Maybe they let this slave have their own private life that may have included letting them have a significant other to pursue. Maybe the couple was very dominant in their acts. You see the couple was offering the slave something. Maybe the couple has had many domestic slaves but the relationships were all measured by months and none lasted years in a 24/7 TPE.

Let us use the usual stereotypes and shoving real life and vanilla into the picture:

Couples looking for a domestic slave and or other very limited in scope duties: The problem most couples face is self validation. They look at each other and see the other’s love and respect and think this makes them perfect. They agree with the desires so this makes these desires legit. But for most couples the desires and what they want from a third is not what they wanted for when they were just two and this is what gets most couples frustrated and bitter. The woman has her husband, her career and maybe children then looks for another female to be a domestic slave and goes “Look how great we are. How could you not want to be with us?” They see a woman who will be a free servant and then whatever. But the whatever is not going to have a husband, not going to have a career or have children if she wanted them. But still in the couple’s eyes they are perfection as each validate each other’s delusions, negotiate how and what the third will do without the third even present. Do you think the wife in this example would have ever done that?

Older Men looking for much younger women: Now I am into older men personally but I still recognize the delusions that go on in this delusional pursuit. If older men really only offer up wisdom and experience, which is debatable to begin with, they will fail in their quest. Look at it from a vanilla standpoint. What would friends and family think of a man in his fifties or older going to a college bar to hit on women? They would be laughed at and mocked. But calling oneself dominant all of a sudden it is a good and wise thing to pursue? What does a man in his fifties truly offer a young woman who does not have a natural thing for way older men? Retirement and living on a fixed income with decreased mobility, not wanting children the same time her biological clock is kicking in, the same time she is at her sexual peak and at the time her friends have money to do nicer things. Throw in the age things most talk about and you get delusion if you think experience cuts through all that. What does a much older man offer to a much younger woman not into older men? Not much.

Want to be slaves dreaming of Mr. Perfection: Look around at all the husbands you know, have known, or your friends describe theirs. There is a fairly common picture. They are visually stimulated, unless because of necessity tend not to want to do domestic chores, prefer in shape women, do not like dancing, often like sports on TV, sure love blow jobs and tend to be hit and miss with the romantic stuff. Do not be delusional and think calling yourself a slave and looking for a Master that these men will be much different. They will not be.

If you are uneducated, not in the best shape and addicted to reality television and IM that business owner is not going to be interested in you now just because you call yourself a slave. Mr. Perfection dominant is not looking for a slave so he can always do or order things that you want or are willing in the moment to do. What are you actually offering?

Put yourself in place of the one you seek

It is painfully easy to isolate yourself in cyber or seek out a peer group in a local community that will agree with you. That can come delusions and thoughts of self entitlements. In the end though if you are still not finding anyone to even see in real time the question must be asked what are you offering?

Here is a little exercise. Write down all the things you have to offer the person you are seeking. Now read the list and cross off anything that a regular relationship can give or any feeling/emotion and see what is left. Love, devotion, protection, nurturing, friendship and on and on are nothing different that any healthy relationship brings to the table. If you want a power exchange relationship you have to offer more then what one can get from a regular relationship and not less.

Power exchange relationships start with regular relationships and only add to them. The more you are asking of someone in the relationship the more you are responsible for fulfilling their needs and desires as well.

If you are a couple looking for a domestic slave would you ask your wife’s best friend in real life to limit her life that way? No you would not. Why do you think a woman who is submissive wants to? Calling yourself dominant or submissive does not make you your own creator of your world.

As I write this…

2008-09-08T09:36:00.004-05:00

I was making calls to my friends catching them up on what has been happening and dishing the details of the wedding. I was talking to a friend who is a slave like myself and has to unfortunately get back on the horse and find a new Master after fifteen years of being with her husband/Master.

She mentioned that to her a new thing that gets bashed over her head was the concept that gets floated out there of a slave lives only for her Master. That everything she does and focuses on is to please her Master or make herself a better slave for her Master. Well this came to quite a shock and quick frustration to a woman who was a slave for so long because she had this little thing called reality that told her the truth.

As I write this entry I can not remotely justify that this pleases my Master or makes me a better slave. The same thing that before I started to write this I sent off a quick email to my niece about her not liking school so far. I am apparently failing my Master or I am just not a “real” slave for doing these things.

It is easy to bash dominants who communicate such idiotic thoughts on this life like this concept. But us slaves need to accept the blame for letting statements like this become accepted enough that many dominants do not realize just how idiotic the view is. Because if there is one thing a lot of slaves are guilty of is that we love to project just how selfless we wish in our minds to believe we are.

Well we are not. We are selfish just like every other human being and living the way we do is a selfish act by its self because we are living this way because it makes us the most happy. That it includes many selfless acts but it does not then make us selfless people.

So the next time you are at a local community event, message board or chat room and some dominant does the a slave has one need in life thing. Instead of tuning the person out as a theoretical idiot, think what have you done to help promote this belief and what you can do to stop it. We may not owe people anything but at the same time as a slave we should not help keep this belief out there because it makes us feel selfless and cool.

Good people from all roles and genders can get influenced by these words. It would be unfortunate if people gave up because they knew they could not be like this or felt they were a failure because they could not live up to this impossible standard.

Now excuse me, I am going to watch some Daily Show episodes that are piled up on our TIVO. I am a good slave for doing this as I will free up space on the TIVO for potentially my Master’s programs. Sometimes I amaze myself how selfless I truly am. ;)

Back to the Routine

2008-09-08T09:36:00.000-05:00

I am back. Back in this hemisphere and back to the routine of day to day life which I missed so much. Nothing different other then I am a married woman. It does not feel really any different except I do take pleasure seeing and feeling the ring on my finger and seeing a ring on my Master’s finger.

Everything went well and I have not been made aware of any things that went down too bad. The biggest worry amongst our family was my Mom fainting realizing I did in fact get married but we believe a little alcohol helped avoid it from happening. I was truly touched by just how some people surprised us by flying so far and the money it takes to take part in our celebration.

The only downside is we had to postpone our honeymoon as we could not get enough time away from our jobs and chose to do that when my grandmother died so we could be there for that. Just another example how awesome my Master is. That is what I choose to believe and not that he did not mind getting back for the first weekend of football.

Where am I

2008-07-24T11:09:00.000-05:00

I am sorry I have not been posting. I have had a death in my family and along with my upcoming marriage to my Master and honeymoon I will not have the time or place to post. I hope to be back posting in mid September.

Lin

Random Musings 7/14

2008-07-14T11:09:00.006-05:00

A more honest and accurate way to date?

My Master and I had an interesting conversation on merging all the concepts of the reality of dating, what people say they are looking for and why they really go out for at first with someone and all those how to find books. We came up with a rather cynical how to concept ourselves and you only get one guess to which of us thought up which parts.

So men and women are you really wanting to find that good person, who has a sense of humor, intelligent, trustworthy and all those other characteristics everyone mentions they want when looking for their other? Then why are so many of you deciding and evaluating dates on things that have nothing to do with those qualities?

Women are you tired of men playing a part just so you will fuck them and then they change after you do? Men are you tired of only being evaluated at first by how entertaining you can be and what type of social events and money you are willing to spend on a woman?

Well with the William and Lin plan to getting through the junk and onto the actual compatibility and qualities we tell people we are looking for is what our plan is all about. It is simple and basic our plan is before ever going out on the first date to agree to a ten date contract.

In the contract the following ten aspects are to be strictly adhered to:

1) A mutually agreeable total amount of money that the man has to spend on the actual dates for things like food, tickets and other direct out of pocket expenses that would only be spent because of the date. New shirt does not count.

2) Within those ten dates the woman has the right for up to three of these dates to be things or events that involve couple things like going out with their couple friends, weddings/office parties and family get together type things.

3) A woman can have no more then two dates stipulated to by the woman that dancing is a main goal of the date outside of a meal.

4) The woman has the right to have at least one date involve the man’s friends and/or family.

5) For the first five dates immediately upon one arriving at the other’s home the female will proceed to strip naked and have sex with the man before going on the date. At least once but no more then twice a blow job to completion with an honest finish of are you a spit or swallow woman. Hand jobs are unacceptable and absolutely at no time during or at the end of these first five dates is any other sexual activity to happen regardless of mutual desire.

6) A mutual agreement on how many and for how long any phone calls between dates are strictly adhered to.

7) The man has a right for one date to drop by unannounced to see if the woman always does keep her house clean and organized.

8) The woman must wear panties that are the same as the ones she normally wears to work or what she will wear if they were to be married.

9) The woman must order what she would normally order and not what she wants the man to think she normally eats like.

10) Only one date may there be some combination that the date only involves the woman cooking dinner and/or watching a DVD at one of the person’s home.

Only after the ten dates may the people decide if the person is worth more time. No escape clause for a reason so everyone entering into the relationship is serious about finding a significant other and not just after sex or entertainment. Any mailing it in by a male will have money and or event dates like attending weddings added to the contract with the woman’s choice. Any mailing it in by the woman will have added mandatory sexual activity for the man if so desired.

Fuck me like a cop and not a lawyer!

This was a quick line in a quick scene in American Gangster in which Russell Crowe was giving it what appeared rough and hard to a woman. I saw this on DVD this weekend and it just reverberated in my head what often is lacking in the modern vanilla man and another reason I love my life as a slave to a domineering man.

Now I have had sex with cops and lawyers and know of no significant difference and while this line may have been a dig at lawyers the overall point is quite valid. Most women like variety in their sex life and I do not know of one woman personally that does not want it hard and rough at times and that should always be in the toolbox of any man regardless of role to give a woman. Most women need/love at times just to feel like the man just totally staked claim to our bodies and left us feeling royally fucked and not made loved to.

There is a good reason why so many women quote Ayn Rand about the overall feeling they love to feel when it comes to sex and their man.

One more tip on online profiles

Women think in overall feelings and men specific actions. Men write a woman and a profile with this in mind as the woman does not really care about the specific toys or things done as much as the overall feeling and atmosphere is going to be like with you. Women be aware men would like some detail in what you are looking for and not just flowery feelings expressed.

I am not a whore

2008-07-11T11:04:00.006-05:00

Warning! Warning! Logic Breakdown!

Common phrases read and heard from dominants about wanting a slave and how they will treat them:

“A slave puts all of their owner’s needs and desires above their own.”
“I will reward obedience by doing the things (kinky/sex) you want/like.”

Ok, here is the quiz. Why are these things for a real time happy slave so stupid when imagined together?

Now I know I write on this topic a lot but often just within another topic and usually being mean to a certain group of dominants. Instead of just rehashing the same old comments I thought I would spare the judgment of dominants and instead let one actually look into a slave’s brain and see what I process and why.

Answer to the quiz is two parts.

Part One: because my main pleasure is pleasing my wonderful Master rewards are yucky and insulting as my obedience needs to be paid for like I am a whore for kink/sex.

My Master has long ago won over my heart, mind and soul and because of this he is who he is to me and how we live brings me my love for him. With my love comes my zealot attempt to be as obedient as possible. That love brings my need to make his needs, desires and simple pleasures take any precedent over my own. Logic dictates that one does not serve one out of love and need payment for services rendered.

Look I am a fan of sex and kink as the next person reading this. There are many things done to me in these areas that bring direct pleasure and I would be sad if they were not in my life. But that is a compatibility thing with my Master as if they are done just only because I expect or need them to in order to be happy and obedient simply is an awful and horrible thought.

Often, at least certainly for me, what is happening in the kinky things has a lot more to it then some sort of pleasure. In fact for me the kinky things the last thing I think about them is any direct physical pleasure. This leads to the second part of my answer…

Part Two: Kinky things are not just for pleasure to a slave!

I am a slave. I admit to having a control problem and insecurities that are big motivations as to why I am a slave and love it so much.

I love my Master and always want to see him happy and thinking they cannot imagine life without me. I need to try to make him happiest as I can and try not to burden him any more then realistically I can. I have just one major drawback to actually being able to live this way. I have to know I am doing just that for him. When I mean know I do not mean simple words out of his mouth like “I love you” or simple acts of love like flowers given at random times or surprise spa getaways. I want to know in my heart that the things he does and orders from me are truly what he desires and makes him happy. I want pure actions and words from him and not conditional or him guessing what I want that he thinks he better do.

How does a Master quench my thirst for this is quite simple it is by making me suffer which more times then not is going to be through doing kinky things. Make me suffer so I can show you just how much I love and I am devoted to you. Make me suffer so I know with far more certainty that you have zero problems when in doing things to me or making me do things that you are in doing all things in a purity of your pleasures and desires and not out of obligation or thinking it is payment for services rendered.

Intensity counts big time!

Look there are many of severe power exchange relationships out there that have relatively little or no “kinky” things done in them. Look at Domestic Discipline sites and see this. Often they go out of the way to even put spanking far above suspicion to even call it a kinky thing. But I guarantee you one thing in any of these relationships that are healthy with both people embracing the power exchange dynamic and that is there are things happening that have intensity that highlight that dynamic especially in regards to that base of I am the dominant and I we will do this if I want to. (Of course within boundaries)

Pain punishments, maintenance spankings, discipline sessions, jumping through proverbial hoops for our other are not about frequency and intensity of orgasms for a submissive in the moment. There is very much the same level of things going on when kinky things are in a relationship and even when they are more for pleasure they still have aspect of all this in them when being done.

Rewards for me are not having to live with someone that thinks rewards are important motivations in a relationship in the first place.

We get what we put into our lives. To want a slave that is driven out of love for their owner and love/needs to put their owners desires and needs first is to understand the big drive of are whole life with the power exchange dynamic is to eliminate transactional payments for services rendered in our relationships. We are controlled by our love for our owner and the way we live with you which is power exchange and dominance over us.

Looking for a slave by offering up kink for obedience is transactional with the exact same connotation of a couple in a regular relationship. It is not any different of a woman wanting her husband to be ok for the in laws to come to visit and blows him and fixes his favorite dinner right before “asking” him. It is a man taking his wife out to dinner and dancing before asking if he can go on an expensive golf weekend over a holiday.

You may get what you want in the moment but does not mean you are getting what you want in the long term. Slaves read dominating things done primarily as a reward and immediately dismiss them as a potential owner.

Random Musings 7/8

2008-07-08T09:00:00.003-05:00

Reading versus doing

I think what gets lost when people read about power exchange relationships whether if they have no experience in any type or none in a more severe 24/7 then their own is the scope of what is exactly being done. I had a very nice private message from a woman who was taken back by my example of my Master coming into the bathroom when I was using it to get his cock sucked. She cited how she could not imagine never having any privacy.

But the reality of actually living it is having a lot of privacy. Just like many who shake their head at all the talks of the kink, they way we might be dressed and all the talk of sex and imagine 24/7 kinky sex by all. Basically because something can be done does not mean it is getting done most of the time let alone all the time. My bathroom example for example, I am not allowed to close the door when I use the toilet but that does not mean each time I go my Master joins me when we are together. The reality of it is probably less then ten percent of the time he does anything and most of those times are him wandering by and coming in to talk to me because he just wanted to say something and that boundary of do not talk while I go is not in our relationship.

I think when inexperienced people imagine things of this nature they miss the scope. What is going on is when these types of things we talk about can sound so invasive the reality is far different. Basically just because they can does not mean they always do. For 24/7 TPE relationships acts, dress codes, rules and rituals and a lot of other things are not done just to excite and/or get one or both off. What is going on that a lot of these things do encompass when done are reminders to both that this is a TPE relationship and the owner has the right at anytime to do such things if they want. It has much about creating a healthy power exchange atmosphere and keeping levels of submission and domination more even keel then a roller coaster ride if these things are only done to excite someone in a specific moment.

So a slave may always be naked or dressed in a way for easy access to their body parts for their owner but does not mean or for the slave to expect their owner to use that and to always be feeling them up. But for the slave to always know and be mentally able to handle that their owner can whenever they do in fact want to. It is taking small pieces of privacy here and there out for that wonderful feeling of being submissive and owned and knowing your owner takes that seriously.

Sometimes because they can needs a they did from time to time to drive the point home.

Never judge a book by its cover!

Ok I take pride in not using my blog to make post after post of how wonderful my Master is so allow me this indulgence.

This last weekend Master surprised me with a weekend getaway at a spa resort. He told me he wanted to go someplace very relaxing because of the hectic months I have had and with the wedding approaching hectic months coming up.

His long time secretary and I bonded a lot by comparing how often we either get asked directly or get hinted around as to why we put up with him. My Master has quite a domineering personality and for strangers or people who do not know him that well he can come off in a bad light. But to those who know him he is one of the most generous and considerate persons they know, it just going to be done on his schedule!

So this weekend is the classic example of why I am blessed to have found him. All those questioning him probably do not have spouses in their life willing to do something like that without any hints or begging let alone surprise it on them. I love my Master for his brain and heart and that he thinks of me in such a phenomenal way. I love him for that not the actual spa weekend. The domineering personality is just icing on the cake!

Inquiring minds want to know

Got several private messages and one public comment asking about some specifics about piss play with my Master. Without any rhyme or reason here are some answers to the ones I am willing to share.

My pissing is very much part of my Master’s control which he exercises from time to time. From strictly his amusement to pretty strong acts of domination that are clearly meant as a show of my love and obedience to him.

I have been drinking it since I was first owned at twenty. In terms of not missing a drop that simply depends on how much and how fast it comes out of the faucet. ;) Obviously full bore and a lot I cannot drink it all without a spill but more times then not anything else I can handle. But for convenience and for Master to not have to worry if he does not want that is what funnels were made for especially when Master is watching a game or movie on TV.

A reason I forgot to put in my post of why I love piss play is it is an incredible act of domination that can be done every day. For example my Master had to make sure I was not marked when we went to the spa resort but he did not have worry about how he was using me in this manner. Even if drinking or wearing it is icky a great domination aspect is just forcing your slave to piss other places besides the toilet. It is something easy to do and because it is such a private thing is a good jolt to the senses and therefore very good active domination thing.

Yes, I have had my share of meals that just do not taste quite right because of an added yellow ingredient.

How often is probably the most common question but the most difficult to answer. My Master travels a lot for business and I work roughly three twelve hour night shifts a week for work. Routine day in and day out together time is not in our life. Certainly on a normal couple day or weekend I would say at least 75% of those days involve this play. Certainly the oldie but goodie of when my Master gets up in the morning I kneel in the shower to be pissed on by him but not always as our mornings and especially weekend mornings have other things going on that he does not desire me to spend time taking a shower right after he goes as he has other plans for me. In terms of drinking piss, generally during the week not much outside of a few drops here and there but weekends Master seems to indulge in this aspect.

I am a slave; it is his right, pleasure or convenience to use me this way. It is not about only about foreplay for sex but most of the time just for convenience and for me to show love and devotion to my Master and our dynamic.

Eye of the Beholder

2008-07-07T11:00:00.006-05:00

When they look at me what do they see?

I received several private Emails as well as over the years of having people argue about slaves/submissives are primarily about serving and taking care of the NEEDS of their owner. Maybe this comes with experience but spotting a dominant who wants a person or a dominant who wants things done for them is pathetically easy to spot. The former have every right and expectation that taking ownership of a slave who has committed to them that the slave accepts and dedicates themselves to serving them in all aspects and not just the fun ones. The latter is just bartering for services instead of just paying money.

We do not think much of a trophy wife who only is with her husband because of his money so she does not have to work and spends her life on endless shopping excursions and spa treatments. Instead of working for money she spreads her legs to finance her life. We do not think much of a husband who only thinks of his wife as a domestic servant and perpetual baby sitter for his children and seeks all his fun and excitement with his friends and women on the side. So why would any dominant think they are worth anything when all they see when they see a potential slave is how easier their life can be with that slave?

I had a friend in a local community years ago when we were both possibly looking for a poly power exchange relationship. I think she communicated it perfectly and the best advice I can give both roles and genders in distinguishing the line that too many get burned by. She basically said “I need to know when they look at me they see and want me as a person and the good things we will do together. I do not want to be seen as a free servant and personal assistant primarily to make their lives easier”

For all the couples, even the ones in long term power exchange relationships, and single people obsessed about finding that “true” slave who is all about serving the needs of their owner(s) and all other things are bonuses. If your thought or conversation with your other about finding a slave started with something like it would surely be nice if there was another person here to help out or do all the domestic work, help with the finances, spoil me and thoughts of that nature you are not capable of a healthy power exchange relationship when bringing in someone.

For all roles and genders, if one is getting basic needs done that they would prefer not to do for themselves and rewards/pays the submissive back with kinky things this is not power exchange. This is barter instead of paying cash for services rendered. These are relationships like any other and when any other person saw their other primarily for how they will make their life easier we look down at them and this is why potential slaves often look down on dominants that obsess or only want the serving component with a slave. At some point a potential slave learns that when you look at them you do not see a person to care for and enjoy things together but see them only as an object to make your life easier.

I will communicate this to my death. A slave does not serve and put their owner’s desires above their own to be happy. A happy slave needs to serve and put their owner’s desires above their own. A slave is not a whore/servant payable in kink instead of cash.

Golden Showers From a Fan’s POV

2008-07-02T13:05:00.007-05:00

Warning the follow post is about what the title says it is. Those icked out by such a topic you have been warned. In addition, because of the nature of the topic, my passion for it and because my view of how it gets discussed normally is not usually from people like me, this post will be written totally slanted for this type of kink and done with far less filtering of graphic language then my normal posts.

Like anything in life and including the power exchange relationship life I have an absolute belief in a to each their own and what works for the individual or couple is cool philosophy. I am no way endorsing that watersports should be in the toolbox of any power exchange relationship nor do I think I am cooler let alone better then any slave just because I am an eager and willing recipient of this type of play.

Keeping it Real

A shout out for easily my least favorite phrase ever but it is what popped into my head. I will just not write watersports or golden showers the rest of this post. We all SHOULD BE grownups and recognize what this is. It is piss play. It is about pissing on and/or drinking piss. Piss is a far easier thing to type out and a far cooler word for me to imagine.

I am an ER/trauma nurse and a Taoist, in my physical life and in my spirituality combine for me to accept and deal with reality. Reality includes being an open minded adult. Therefore men and women who think a woman should not write or see such topics like this or graphic sex pictures because it is un lady like all the while demand or are a personal porn star slut for their male is simply not reality and in my mind a severe attachment issue with that person. There is proper public behavior for a woman based on cultures but that is public behavior not reading or pretending to be “shocked” by what humans do in private of their homes. One is being a responsible and respectful person. The other is role playing.

Why I love piss play

1) How it turns me on.

My number one fetish is being physically dominated and there is no close second. Certainly any types of piss play even the type of play where I am the one doing the pissing but ordered to is a physical domination. Within that physical domination other things that turn me on naturally are objectification, humiliation and degradation. I have yet to be in a power exchange situation where piss play did not have a strong element of one or each of those things. For me personally only scat play can compare but with less disgusting reactions or need to concentrate to get through it so I can concentrate more on the pleasure of those wonderful feelings.

Would it surprise some reading this that I do not enjoy/crave any of the actual physical aspects of piss play? That I have never dreamt, fantasized or masturbated to thoughts or memories of how piss looks, smells, tastes and feels on me or in me. For those who do not understand this apparent dichotomy I wrote about it in this post that I think is one of best things I have ever written. What I do fantasize about a lot is being humiliated, degraded and objectified through piss play by domination scenarios of past and perhaps future events.

2) For some of us it can be an incredible intimate act.

This sounds weird to some but it is the truth. There are ways for this to be done that give me intensely intimate feelings of being closer and feeling love for my Master. The setting, mood and way it is done can align in a way where his piss whether he pisses on me or makes me drink it and even if it involves my own piss can make me incredibly closer to my Master.

A couple of rather mundane examples that are very intimate feeling to me; 1) while I am on the toilet relieving myself and my Master walks in and has me suck his cock. There is something about the whole situation that is just a reminder that anywhere I am his to do with what he pleases that makes it so intimate. 2) Often my Master has me drink his piss after we have had a pretty intimate sexual encounter. In these instances it feels like just a continuation of us making love like what it is just the most common thing in the world for me to do.

3) For us and always for me it is a strong act of showing my devotion to my Master and our dynamic.

I know to many the concept of having to do something to show our love and devotion to another is considered a sign of a problem. The truth is pretty much all healthy relationships people do things that show our love and devotion to our significant other. People in power exchange relationships tend to gravitate to the more extreme examples/acts. I write about this often but to avoid going off topic I wrote about this specifically in this post.

To me this can often along with what I just wrote above. I lovingly submit to my Master. The fact is I have a high sex drive and even without power exchange in my life I am pretty much anywhere, anytime and anyway person. Nurture and nature have me being responsible and take great pride in keep a good and warm home for family. Part of the great compatibility of a couple is that each other’s needs and desires to feel loved by our others in ways that mean something to us.

For some of us in either role piss play can give off a great expression of love and devotion. It gives me pleasure and honor for me to be with my Master and allow him to do these things to me. I find piss play to have a very overt expression of my love and devotion for my Master. For example, my Master travels a lot on business and I adore it when he finally is home and can greet him at the door kneeling, get to cook him a meal again and serve him in any other way. But to me when he is gone and until he lets me drink his piss when he gets home I will think and crave this act done to me. Not out of any physical pleasure but my love for my Master manifests greatly into practically needing to do this as an expression of my love and devotion.

4) It never get boring or tiring to me.

I am not one to get bored by repetition anyway but I have been a willing participate in watersports for a very long time and I have yet to ever feel ho hum about it being done to me. I mean someone I care for is substituting me for a toilet! I think that at the heart of my love for this type of play is where it is at. That glorious dichotomy of being in a loving relationship where my owner still will use me in one of the lowest ways a person can be used. That active domination that from so many ways there is no way getting around it that this play for me shows me my Master loves our dynamic and is not afraid to truly use me for his pleasure.

How can this be all these things and not just icky!

One word: perspective.

Whenever there is any discussion on some specific action people often form an instant opinion based on their thought or maybe limited experience. That is natural and nothing wrong with that. The problem though when trying to understand is not how one personally may respond but being able to recognize that response might not be universal.

Often when watersports are brought up the discussion is controlled by the many who first and only thought is “yuck, how gross”. To them that is fine but way too often the discussion then is centered on that specific part that often make the discussion totally useless.

Whenever anything is brought up people can only filter it through one way. The most glaring example is ignorant people who cannot understand how a masochist can still be punished effectively by a spanking just like a non masochist. It is all about the atmosphere, expectations, and actions happening all around.

This is the same with piss play. Kneeling in the shower in the morning as your Master pisses on you like most mornings ever so nonchalantly like breathing is going to make me feel strongly objectified. Getting pissed on after being dragged into the bedroom and having very rough and quick hard sex then being left to clean it up will make me feel degraded. Getting dressed up in my sexy best and having a beautiful romantic dinner then after kneeling and taking his cock in my mouth to receive his golden present makes me feel very loved and close to my Master.

It is never the act specifically by itself in a vacuum but how it is done and how the two people feel and react to it.

Hypocrisy of people

There you have a view of piss play from a huge fan. I understand completely why many people have no interest in this type of play. But I always troubled/miffed when people involved in other kinky type things judge this play as somehow wrong compared to other types.

We do not like when people judge us because of our relationship dynamic or the kinks we may do. But yet for some people this does not stop them from judging others on the very same basis.

To each there own and for me, bring on the piss.

First Contact

2008-07-01T16:00:00.002-05:00

I just wanted to make a short post to follow up yesterday’s post on profiles on online sites. The thing I wanted to mention was the stupid debate often on should a woman submissive make first contact.

First I am an absolute believer of two things: 1) Logic 2) Accepting Reality. Throw in the human mind being an illogical computer at best means those two things do not work together all that often.

Logic

I doubt anyone would argue that the odds improve the more effort we make in trying to accomplish something and this would include finding our other. So I would be the first to go a woman would help her chances to look at profiles and make first contact with people that interest her.

But logic also must factor in that by nature a submissive is a follower. That tends to be in the same area of initiating things and therefore not something all that natural to initiate first contact.

Reality

Going back a long way, say the entire history of man, men have been the ones to pursue women. Throw in that whole submissive things I wrote above and you have a pretty strong predictable pattern of behavior.

Does it really matter whether it is nurture or nature? Does it really matter what is theoretically better or “proper” in theorized power exchange mumbo jumbo?

Deal with it

In the end the reality is while it would help women to look and write more the fact is most will not do that and for you men out there to understand if you want a woman you will have to pursue that woman.

There are many male dominants out there who love to chest thump how they will not make first contact with a female submissive. I have seen them post on a message board their cyber theorist philosophy or ego bruised manifesto as I normally view it. They will claim they get a ton of messages from women but all I know is these same men are still posting on the same message board, still looking and it has been years.

Like most things with us human beings we go about things sometimes in an unusual way. But for the people who are successful they do not wish for something to be different to get what they want but go after it in a way to get it. So men, you can wait and maybe but your odds are much greater if you pursue until you catch your one.

Profiles On Personal Sites

2008-06-30T11:39:00.002-05:00

Edited and updated from a post from my former short topics blog. For some that are already in a relationship this post is useless but the things written in here make up some of the very most frequent questions and rants on any personal power exchange site I have ever been on. If one is looking or gave up looking and had frustrations I think in all hubris there is some great advice here. I also think there is a lot of advice in here that can get taken out of cyber and be put to use if one is looking in their local community as well.

Will get back to a totally original post next time, the topic of which will be watersports so those not into that or care to try to understand people who are might not want to check in for several days. I have started it but not finished and I am worn out this morning by what my Master put me through this weekend in the most pleasant way.

Finding your other online is possible. More often then not people have already shot themselves in the foot with how they go about writing their profiles. Here are some tips that are not only from my personal experience but from reading more posts then I can begin to count of people complaining about not finding a good person and the almost unanimous replies to those posts in what people are looking for when searching for one on an online personal site.

These tips are good for all roles and genders

1) Positive is attractive and negative repels. Avoid rants, bitches and bad attitude.

2) Write specifically to who you want to attract. Way too many just go on and on writing about all the people they do not want. Do you not want to find the person that is compatible? Why write about all the ones who are not?

3) Effort translates into sincerity. If you are looking for your long term other do you think that particular cause deserves more then a few minutes? Before you even go on to a site to set up a profile sit down and type out your essay section. Write who you are and what you are looking for both for the regular life and the power exchange life. Take several or many days to add and edit your profile. Reading something a day later you often see it in a different light. People who have profiles that basically look like they took a couple of minutes to write just makes it look like they are on the site on a lark.

4) Write the profile based on the person is a stranger. Do not assume you are going to get the benefit of the doubt. Way too many people write profiles subconsciously that come off like you should know them on some level already.

5) Do not waste space or time giving yourself qualities that everyone thinks they have. It is unoriginal and horrendously boring! You may think writing you are real, sincere, honest, safe and experienced makes you special or attractive. Think again and browse profiles of people like you. You will find everyone else has those same qualities and not one person has written they are fake, insincere, liar and dangerous. These are qualities you earn with the person and not something that puts you at the top of the list or separates you by just writing those words.

6) Do not get carried away. Women, a man is a man and not going to be perfect specimen from your fantasies. Just because they might be your Master does not mean they will be perfect. Too much listing of qualities in away that makes you look like you will never meet anyone who is not truly a perfect human being will convey to the more real and sincere man not to bother with you. This is just some time killing fantasy fun for you.

Men, online is not some order form to pick out a woman from an online catalog. Write for a woman you are compatible with and not just your perfect vision. If you go trolling for young women in their twenties by stating you prefer 20-25 then do not be surprised when you write women older they will not touch you. It is far easier to read a message from a woman who you are not attracted to because of age or physical appearance and a quick reply of thanks but no thanks then eliminate someone because you listed your IDEAL woman. A woman even in your age limit and height/weight preference can still be turned off by the mere fact you list something like that. Us woman do think about when we age or gain a few pounds if we will still be attractive. Listing a narrow and utopian preference will make most women wonder even if they fit that when they get past your age preference or gain a few pounds will they get kicked to the curb.

7) At the same time do not be too vague. Too many males write not to eliminate anyone. All this does is eliminate everyone. Write to your target. Dominants: submissive people want a decisive take charge person who inspires and has a strong vision. We want to imagine what life will be like with you. Submissives: dominants want to know in fairly direct ways if you are going to be a fit in the power exchange areas or not. Flowery prose and information on your regular self is fine but do not go looking for your other on a power exchange site and then play that aspect of compatibility down by dismissing it for a later time.

8) Get over yourself! I repeat, GET OVER YOURSELF! No stranger cares about your baggage, issues and bad experiences. This is exponentially true about your attempts to find your other online or even in your local community.

Women, just because you get a ton of messages when you create a profile does not make you special. You will get a ton of losers. Deal with it by deleting them and move on. Complaining about them in your profile just makes you look like a negative person.

Men, you create a profile you have agreed to being a normal person and you should not expect special treatment. Complaining about fakes, women who disappear and ones who never reply back only causes you harm. No women will ever be attracted to a man who whether directly or indirectly assumes she is guilty of being insincere before she is innocent.

FOR BOTH GENDERS IF ALL YOU HAVE DEALT WITH IS “LOSERS” OF VARIOUS NATURES IT IS OFTEN BECAUSE YOU HAVE MADE YOUR PROFILE INTO A SELF FULFILLING PROPHECY BECAUSE ONLY LOSERS WILL HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU!

IF YOU ARE NOT GETTING THE PEOPLE YOU ARE AFTER, LOOK IN THE MIRROR, WHO YOU SEE IN THE MIRROR IS THE MAIN REASON. TRY A DIFFERENT APPROACH.

In addition to watching your attitude, get over your self importance. Manifestos on how a dominant, slave and a power exchange relationship should be like this is absolute fact are a big negative. The life is a big tent and failure to understand with that there are no such things as one true ways will put you in a poor light even if the other likes your way.

9) Do not have your profile be dominated by what you think the other dominant/submissive should be like you are teaching a class in power exchange relationships. For the most part they know who they are and will be a fit or not a fit. They want to know about you not about a theorized utopian version of them. Write how you would want to read if you were the other role. Do you really think it is really a good idea to have a profile made up entirely of a theoretical slave should be? Do you really think a potential slave just wants to know that?

10) Do not write your fantasy image of yourself let alone lie about anything. Remember you goal is to find just one person not to impress cyber strangers. Do not risk destroying trust if you find someone and they catch you in a lie. They will find out your ex did not leave because of some great career opportunity you guided them to or that your former slave who you had for years left to take care of a sick family member eventually. Do not post pictures that were you ten years and thirty less pounds ago. Do not claim you are a business owner because you get some extra cash by cleaning gutters beside your main job.

11) If you post pictures most people prefer normal ones in normal settings. Women, those who post nude and provocative pictures I doubt the men mind but also understand it will be even more vital to have a good profile. You will get attention but many of the more sincere will also be skeptical of your sincerity for a real time thing. Men, will avoid the cock shot cliché gripe, but understand not any picture will do. You drunk, unkempt or acting like a child in the picture you might think twice about posting it.

Remember women are not as visually stimulated as you men. A picture for us can often be way more important with the clues it gives. For example, a picture of a guy who is physically top notch but looks drunk, horribly dressed and clutter and filth all around him is far less appealing to most women then a man who is not the classic stud physically but is nicely groomed and dressed and the background is clean and/or thought to where the picture was taken. Also a man all decked out in dominant gear with a sneer on your face comes off more funny then attractive.

12) Do not make gross generalizations about others who are online. Even if you think an abnormal amount on a personal site are “losers” of some nature the fact is it comes off as negative, obnoxiously self-serving and incorrect. No matter how high the percentage there are still a lot of honest and sincere people. A person who can make a strong case for themselves without needing to tear down others to build themselves up is attractive. Basically ripping on others to make a case for yourself is going “please pick me as I am the only thing left over”, just not attractive let alone inspiring at all.

13) Spelling and grammar do count. Even the ones who proclaim it does not for them are lying. At the minimum a profile with misspelled words and bad grammar will have a negative effect on a person’s mind subconsciously. If you have competition in getting a person’s attention then why would you immediately start off with a disadvantage? Poor grammar and spelling also shows lack of effort, sincerity or too much self involvement. It is the equivalent of showing up at a bar smelly and dirty.

14) You are not more important then anyone else. Nobody from any gender or role wants anything to do with a person who thinks they are above other people let alone them. Avoid idiotic phrases like “my time is valuable” it makes you look stupid and is unattractive. Everyone at the minimum thinks their time is valuable why is yours more? In fact it could be said if you are so busy or have such trouble with judgment on who to take time for, that one can easily infer you might not have anytime for a real relationship or are a very poor judger of people for us to trust your own opinion and how it actually relates to you.

15) Admit and deal with the facts. Most men know women are not at a loss for men contacting them on a personal site. At the same time though most men seem to not put two and two together and understand your profile and message will not get the benefit of the doubt or automatically get intense consideration just because. You are competing with every other man who has written that woman, understand, accept and deal with it. Only dismissing others you have never met as losers only makes yourself look like a loser when trying to get a woman to notice you.

16) No shortcuts! Online is not a bar and all you need is a good opening line. The sincere other who is sincerely looking is wanting to find another who is sincere and sincerely looking. They do not want to have to strike up conversation with everyone to see how sincere they are. It is literally not possible for a woman inundated with messages to do so.

Avoid self serving justifications because strangers do not give a damn. A stranger does not care if you are better in person then writing. A stranger does not care that you think a written profile is useless. Only a fool comes to play golf dressed in a baseball uniform and wearing a mitt. You are online for a reason and you have to deal with it or do not bother to begin with.

17) Before anything else get to know yourself.

It is all good to want to think you want or be in a power exchange relationship. It is another to not make a serious effort to look at yourself and try to honestly figure out what you need or would be compatible with. You owe it to everyone who you will be in contact with regardless of role or gender not to mislead them even if it is subconsciously. You also need to respect what others are about and just expect another to sacrifice to your desired levels in the power exchange areas.

Dominants there is nothing wrong with wanting a normal relationship with a submissive kinky porn star when in bed. There is nothing wrong with wanting a traditional role relationship. There is something wrong though if you go looking for a person who wants 24/7 type power exchange relationship when not wanting or able to provide that and expect them to fit your limitations and desires.

Submissives there is nothing wrong with just wanting bottom things done. There is nothing wrong with not wanting 24/7 in any of this. There is something wrong though when you lead a dominant on that you might want this or think another can change you into wanting this but still expect a dominant who expresses to want this to change their desires when you figure out just what they are.

Your profile is the first impression you are giving someone. Now if finding your other is important is it not? For something this important being negative in general, accusatory, condescending and showing up in dirty jeans and a T-shirt while on a first date is not consider a good strategy. Why do that version with your online profile?

Stay positive, be patient and never forget you are writing for one person who fits you and not running for some popularity contest or some law person who can change the Internet by calling out all the people who have done you wrong.

Faking Who We Are

2008-06-28T10:00:00.000-05:00

Small part of this post lifted from a post in my former Short Topic Blog.

I use the “Role Play” a lot in my postings so I thought I would expand on what I mean and the dangers this type of action can cause. First and foremost I have zero problems and in fact embrace people who are into role play or seek out power exchange aspects and/or BDSM type activities through role playing. I am all for a fun time for all.

When I mention more often then not the phrase “just role playing” when writing in context is that I am stating one or both people in the relationship are donning masks and creating false characters. That the person(s) are not being themselves but some theorized version they have fantasized about being or think the other is expecting.

For example that new submissive you have started to see bounces all giddy like whenever you order her to do anything and just seems that all she wants to do is wait on you and your orders when you are together and you never see her dragging or going through the motions. Or that potential owner who always has decisions already done about the things you will be doing and has something extra in him whenever he does something that is dominant centric.

These people are role playing. This in fact does not mean they are not or will never be spectacular owners or slaves because they certainly can be. But there is also a chance the act is all they have and it will wear off and bye bye the power exchange dynamic.

Often in real life people try to become their fantasy image instead of be who they really are and see where that leads them. Dominant or submissive it does not matter when entering into a power exchange relationship you have to be you if the relationship is going to work.

What is so wrong with this as long as they are/can be good in a power exchange relationship?

I will be the first to say in every relationship ever on earth people have donned a mask or two to project them in the brightest light possible based on expectations and hopes. There is something to be real about that in almost every relationship there is an aspect of faking it until you make it. But for healthy people we lose these masks very quickly and when these masks are used to explore a power exchange relationship between two people the dynamic is so different with so many natural obstacles wearing of a false mask can be also just devastating/aggravating to the person who the performance was meant for.

Acting out a role is extremely tiring

The key to anything that brings a benefit to us is that it will bring along energy. Laughter makes us happy or a great vacation that was exhausting physically will still leave us feeling refreshed for example. But when we wear a mask and role play we drain ourselves of energy and no matter what enjoyment was gotten out of the event this energy gets used up at a far faster pace then any of the pleasure refueled us.

Most of us have probably dated a slob or are slobs. We all have probably at one time experienced going over to their house the first few times and seen a relatively clean house but over time we come over to see a pig sty. This is a classic role play situation. The person wants to impress the other and put their best foot forward. But it is not them and eventually they fall back to who they truly are.

This is the same way with power exchange. Many of course wait until strong feelings have begun for each other before power exchange elements are brought into the relationship. At this moment might be the most tempting time to try to please the other person and without any active thought we can slip on a mask and play a character to please the other.

There are plenty of people who have plenty of experience that are both victims and perpetuators of role playing. It is a bottom who only enjoys the kinky acts for their direct pleasure who keeps on trying to be in a power exchange relationship because the people who will do kinky things to them want this. They cannot or will not put two and two together and realize they can be two separate things. It can be a person wanting a traditional role woman who claims being dominant and willing to do active domination things hoping there is some sort of final destination.

Often when I hear about submissives who met a wonderful dominant but what appears to be no reason they stop being all dominant like/play with them but other aspects of the relationship are fine that my thoughts simply go toward they were just role playing and ran out of gas.

Role Playing takes away from reality of the life

One of my biggest pet peeves in how many people discuss this life is how the penchant to indulge in the cool factor and promote their relationships as utopian at all times. Well they simply are not and what is so awful by this false presentation is it gives off such the wrong impression. One of the biggest obstacles to a healthy and happy long term 24/7 TPE relationships is for a dominant to stop worrying so much about doing things to their slave when the slave will not like it or is not in the right “mood”. Or a submissive expecting their owner to be perfect in the power exchange part of the dynamic or reading them so they are always magically in the right mood when orders or other active domination happens. These are simply not realities when the days start becoming months let alone years when in a 24/7 TPE relationship.

But life and the human brain are not that simple are they? A slave cannot always be giddy with happiness obeying every order, rule and ritual. There is achieving an overall love of one’s life and satisfaction when doing things such as keeping the house spotless, proud in how well you obey, being there for our beloved owners and things in that general. But that is a far cry from specific happiness when from doing anything in service to one’s owner. We are going to be tired, have not the best moods and other issues that obeying is not difficult to do but not described as always some wonderful pleasure. Cooking meals, cleaning and doing laundry into the thousands of times will just not get us all worked up every single time.

A dominant cannot have every answer, always know what they want and have an interest in or the energy to “play” every time their slave has an itch needing to be scratched. They are on occasion wanting to turn their brain off and not lead and make decisions for both of you in moments. They are not going to thank you after you fulfill an order or give out love after every time their slave might do something that would be construed as suffering.

I will leave this section with an example that happen to me last Sunday. I was busy running around getting stuff done that needed to get done, I was tired and not in a great mood trying to recover from a bad shift at work. In a period of an hour my wonderful Master wanted something for dinner that we did not have so I had to drop everything and go to the store to pick up the necessary ingredients and then when I got back he ordered me in the tub to piss on me and something else on me. Sorry but in my state running to the store was not a thrill and I did not get all wet and orgasm when Master used me in something kinky.

Certainly not an ounce of me was upset or wishing my Master had not done these things. I certainly felt love toward him and how my life is by being able to serve him in these ways and feel the active domination of the events. But sorry if you had a window in our life last Sunday you would have seen a respectful slave serving but not some slave in orgasm bliss wanting to shout to the world that her Master is the most perfect human being on the planet ever.

That is a peek into moments of real life and serving as a slave. When done 24/7 in a long term relationship doing things that are required of us have the same range of emotions as things people can do in other relationships and not everything is naturally a great high. Does not make the others times bad times at all but just simply done as part of our life.

We must accept the dynamic for what it is not what we wish it will be like

When we role play the way we think or our other thinks we should be all we do is use up valuable energy, create false expectations and if it is done consciously it is a betrayal of trust to our other. We have to strive, and as soon as possible, to be ourselves in any relationship and certainly when our goal is a 24/7 power exchange one. It is only when two people being themselves when together can they find love. Role playing in hope it turns real or super duper feelings will last 24/7 forever can only spell trouble for any relationship let alone the power exchange dynamic.

TPE: What is it actually?

2008-06-26T14:48:00.007-05:00

I am not going to get into an endless sub versus slave type debate that almost always has a subset debate of what is a total power exchange relationship. What I am going to do is obviously give my opinion and puncture holes in the cyber theorists and chest thumpers out there.

First let me start by giving what is to me the two big constraints when discussing pretty much anything but needs to be highlighted when these type of things come up. The following two things are needed to be there and presumed to be there in a total power exchange relationship (TPE):

1) BOTH people are fairly mentally healthy.
2) They live in a country that has solid human rights laws and enforces them.

Everything that follows is based on both of these things being present.

My view on what is TPE

To me you are talking about a severe control 24/7 relationship that boundaries and limits are clearly agreed upon but in general few in nature. The fact is most people can discuss and get close on the literal things. But to me it is once this has been established and mutually agreed to live like this is to me where you get at the heart of what the relationship is going to be.

For a slave: Being in a TPE relationship means being totally committed and dedicated to truly with one’s utmost intention and effort living it. This is accepting that many what, when, where and how’s are now not in one’s control. This is not just about accepting it and wanting it but truly in one’s heart being able to live like this. This is about living 24/7 and always giving your owner the chance it will work then having to believe it will work. You have to let go of judging individual actions and just concentrate on overall things.

For a dominant: I believe some ancient philosopher wrote “with great power comes great responsibility”. A slave has given to their owner their needs and desires to feel safe, cared for and to try to be overall happy in life to their owner. A slave is not a toy or some accessory to treat like a programmable robot. The slave wants you to be the kid in the candy store but the heart of the matter is this, owning a slave 24/7TPE is not just about you but accepting and wanting control of another and enjoying the work that comes with that.

A peek into my world

Here are my actual limits and boundaries that are in my life as an owned slave.

Limits and boundaries include breath play, no tattoo(s) until we have been together three years, poly relationships, allowed to work at the minimum to keep up my qualifications to work in my chosen area as an RN, nothing in public that disrespects my family, keep in contact with my family and close friends including visiting them, any intercourse between other people by each of us is done with condoms, and of course the usual ones that I find either amusing or disturbing people have to communicate like children, permanent damage and any illegal acts that they prosecute. I am sure I missed a few things as well.

So one might view this as not total power exchange at all since I have the nerve to list anything but it is not about how many limits or boundaries as long as they are within reason for an owner that to me defines TPE. What defines TPE is within these things I live my life in zealot obedience as best as I can for my Master. Anything less to us is for me to be disrespectful and show I do not care not only for our agreed upon dynamic but my Master personally. There are no negotiations or adding to things just because I find them unpleasant or think they have no reason.

One caveat!

I do have one thing that drives cyber theorists up a wall and the more mentally diseased to hate someone like me. It is simple; I have the right to try to be happy. Within the boundaries if things are happening, being done or one or both of us change in some way that leaves me miserable then there is a problem(s) that need to be addressed. My rights as a human being do take precedent over an agreed upon way to live with someone!

The trick though for a slave like me is not to abuse this concept as a way to, for example if my Master tonight orders me to shave my head I will do so with little hesitation. I know I will hate it in the short term and maybe even longer but also know it will have to take months of keeping it shaved to see how it really will impact me for the long term.

If on our upcoming honeymoon my Master decides not to have sex with me and orders me to stay in the room while he hooks up with another woman that will of course not be a thrill and totally suck but I also know long term for me it will just not be a big thing and proud I could handle it for him.

Here are the following things I see many dominants mention that as a slave raise a huge red flag with me in context with TPE relationships:

1) Pushing limits: First I am all for dominants to bring up agreed upon limits and seeing if their slave is willing to try to push them within reason. There is a ton of examples of slaves who have listed limits then you talk to them six months later and one of those limits is there favorite thing to do in the whole wide world (except for pleasing their Master of course).

But there is an honorable way to try things with a slave and a defective way. To me it just reeks of mental issues if a dominant needs to try to push limits when the main motivation is just to push limits and not because there is a limit they would really like to do or at least try. If a dominant is obsessed by the desire to believe in his head his slave is a no limit slave that is simply a big red flag. TPE is about a relationship between two people and not some mythical destination.

2) Slave has one right and that is to leave: This is a cyber theorists and chest thumpers ultimate delusion. Any dominant who truly feels this get some mental help and certainly to any slave out there who thinks they are seeing a dominant who truly believes this you have been warned.

This statement can only be taken in two ways literally. 1) The slave has only one right to leave as a last resort but the owner is going to respect and care about the slave right to try to be happy. Therefore the slave has more then that one right and the statement is more chest thump then honest. 2) The dominant actually believes this which therefore they might not give a damn about any issues that a slave might have and there only way out of not being able to be happy is to leave them. Now is that just a fucked up thought when you have been in a relationship measured in years! Wow, what devotion and loyalty an owner like that is going to show another person.

3) Absolute Submission: This is a term because people like me bash cyber theorist’s version of TPE and no limit slave so this term sprouted up. Again run away from any dominant or slave who actually thinks this is possible. Wishing it to be possible does not make human rights laws become void or another’s attempt to follow this to make it actually so. No matter what unless you get a mentally sick submissive all you dominants out there you cannot eliminate the chance they will just leave you! These types of thoughts are a sign of your own non mental health.

Disclaimer for those with issues aka think no limit is possible here is my view instead of rambling on.

TPE is a relationship dynamic not a destination or fool proof dominant does not get hurt situation.

People when discussing concepts like TPE and limits often get caught up in specific acts and ego stroking. What TPE is more about is the commitment the two people have to truly live within the boundaries of sanity and basic human rights, needs and strong desires. It is a slave accepting a roller coaster ride and things done that will not always be happy times in the moment but overall life is a good one. It is about a dominant embracing what they have and not obsessing over what they do not.

Random Musings 6/24

2008-06-24T15:11:00.003-05:00

Perception of others

I was going to include this in my last post but what I thought was going to be a short and straightforward post became longwinded mess and not one of my better efforts.

Observing other people we are often quick to view them through our own values. The problem in this of course is that these values might not be theirs. Growing up in two different cultures I have seen how this can play out in some of the more extreme ways.

For example, my Mom often rushes home from work to cook dinner for my Dad and has done it the entire time they have been married. She also does all the laundry and use to all the cleaning. Often when I was growing up I would hear from Westerners and even still today she will tell me people still tell her just how oppressed she is by my Dad like he is a Master jerk. But if you looked inside our home and through my parent’s eyes you would see a husband that would love to take her out to dinner often but cannot out of respect of her beliefs that she insists on cooking dinner most of the time. You would see a husband who spent twenty plus years begging her to get a maid service and when she finally did it took her another two years not to clean the house just before they would come out and clean it.

So now who is exactly calling the shots in the relationship? But yet back in Taipei she is considered a radical because she chose to have a career of her choice and interest despite having zero need to contribute to the family economically.

Take me for another example; I get into disagreements with other women on an occasion by insisting if a woman loves a man, that it is important to consistently make a fuss (spoil) over them to show our love and how great they are and to always have a warm bed. Personally I do not think this directly translates at all to being submissive to them and therefore oppressed traditional roles but many times that is what I am accused of preaching.

But yet back in Taipei I am considered quite abnormal as I am thirty-three and not yet married or have a child despite no obvious defects. In fact a common phrase used to describe me with my father’s family basically translate to “my mother’s child”.

Perception and reality can be two such different things when it involves other people.

Reason #10,225 on why I love being owned

Sunday I was fretting over one of the dresses I was to wear at my wedding ceremony. Now Master, like most men wish, basically ordered he wanted nothing to do with these types of things but when he saw me going nuts from talking to my Mom he inquired and picked the dress in two seconds. Done!

My passive control issues

Like most people and probably especially us females we like variety in our life and this includes in our sex life. But I must write I just simply love having sex before sleep time. I just love going to sleep knowing I helped get my Master off and give him happy and loving feelings as he drifts off to sleep.

There is that passive control of wanting and enjoying doing something so I know the person (my Master) is hopefully happy and thinking nice thoughts about me. If I am truly a control freak by these types of thoughts and actions then I am guilty as charged!

An example of a quick ritual that brings active domination by physical manifestations

People often want specific examples on things people do in this life and often most of us do not really go into much detail for various reasons. But I thought I would share this one as it is a great example of active domination that takes little effort and time but works awesomely for us at least.

Before Master leaves for work/morning bedroom time is done if a weekend morning I am dressed how I will be for what is next for me that day. I am then without word or eye contact to go over to a chair and bare my ass where he then gives me five pretty hard slaps on my ass with his bare hand. Then sometimes he will order me to stand up where I then automatically put my hands behind my head and he might seek out my nipples and pinch them just for fun.

I remember when he first told me of this ritual he wanted before I was owned I thought it seemed a little cruel and time consuming. But it takes no time at all and I must say it has been a great pleasant surprise just how much I get out of it every day and can no longer imagine not having it in my life.

Traditional Roles Versus TPE

2008-06-23T22:22:00.008-05:00

What we have here is a failure to communicate.

This is certainly a gross generalization but in my years in this life I strongly believe that at least 50% or more people drawn to the thought of Master/slave are not remotely interested in a significant power exchange relationship at all. What this group of people want is a traditional role relationship with good attitude and acceptance of the role by the other along with some or a lot of or give up of control and/or kink in the bedroom.

Now you might think I just bashed these types of people but that was not my intention at all. These people have every right to call whatever relationship works for them whatever name they want to call it. My problem is not the people or the dynamic they actually want but because I believe it is such a high percentage of people and they wander into the significant power exchange area to try to just get the desired perceived end product that it people often confuse “traditional roles” with power exchange relationships.

Traditional Role and the Myth for the Male Dominant sees for the submissive woman

The role is pretty straight forward whenever anyone talks about this. It is the woman doing most or all of the domestic work, primary caregiver to the children and supports her husband by often if not always deferring to him and consciously at times trying to make his life easier when he is home.

The myth of this life that power exchange people promote is that a woman like this obsesses over their male’s preferences and pleasures. That literally a traditional role wife was in fact a slave in terms of being controlled by their husband. This is of course a complete fantasy as a role is just duties that were done. That even being the “man of the house” did not ever mean doing what they wanted or ordering people to do things they did not want.

What many dominants go looking for in a slave is a woman who fully accepts the traditional role with a healthy attitude but also want the fantasy of traditional role woman. The one where the women is a cook in the kitchen only thinking about making something he would like, the maid who always keeps things clean and spotless, dressed to what pleased 100% of the time and his personal whore in the bedroom ready and willing to do anything he desires. But the fact is not anywhere close to being the norm in a historic traditional role relationship as women will not be cook to order gourmet cooks, dressed liked Victoria Secrets Models while serving dinner and they certainly were not all capable of making a porn star blush in the bedroom

Traditional Role and the Myth for the female submissive sees for the dominant male

The role of the male in a traditional relationship was one who was personally responsible and takes it very seriously for his family to have what they need, house, food and clothes and are happy. Even if the woman worked it was HIS responsibility to provide and this was first and before anything else in his life. This is not just about finances but about being responsible and carrying out all things that can cause worry or take away from their wife’s ability to do hers. Because of this heavy responsibility the male can have many final says in things not out of personal preference but out of factoring these important responsibilities for what is best for their family.

The myth of this that power exchange people promote is that the men like this are in fact super responsible and unselfish human beings. That they were and are in such tune with their other that their family’s health and happiness was always a thought on their brain and that their woman in fact did not worry about things ever because of loving and being totally confident in their man.

What many female submissives go looking for a male dominant they go looking for this super responsible I will worry about these things and darn well provide them for us. In addition they want a strong man capable of communicating what they want and be active in decision making that goes well beyond just the big picture stuff that few traditional males would even think of.

Traditional role relationship reality

I grew up in a strong Eastern culture home where traditional roles are taken very seriously. I was taught it is a woman’s duty to do the domestic work not an order. I learned to clean and cook from the time I could walk while my older brother never had to. My Dad it would be a huge insult to him if my Mom drove a car that was not good enough, her clothes were not nice enough and on and on based on not his opinion but their social status group’s opinion.

My Mom even now will rush home from work to fix dinner for her husband out of love and pride even though my Dad would probably prefer to eat out because she is going to make him eat healthier then he wants. He does not dominate his traditional wife with orders based on personal preference. My Dad will obsess anytime my Mom brings a problem up with her because for her to bring it up must mean it is important to her and love and responsibility make it important to him.

What is missing in what I described is what is missing when most talk about traditional roles and especially when power exchange people talk about them. What is missing is that traditional roles are almost always defined and monitored by one’s society and family/social group. That traditional roles do not equate to individual desires but common values, actions and responsibilities of a larger group.

Then is that not what the power exchange brings when one is looking for the traditional role but with personal preference?

Power exchange is a large part of one person wanting to control another person and the other person wanting to be controlled. Generally with control one will then assert their preferences. It is this element that makes a huge difference between traditional and power exchange. The control and making one’s preference on the other is the power exchange.

Why severe power exchange is so different then traditional role with power/kink in bedroom?

The reason why I see such a difference in people in the power exchange life primarily just looking for their mythical traditional role relationship and why it is quite different then something along the lines of total power exchange are as follows:

People just look at what they want the other to be like. Too many regardless of the role or gender when thinking about and especially when go looking for become tunneled vision on what they want not what they will need to provide. People just love to focus on what the other can provide them that they often fail to comprehend what the other is going to expect back in return.

People want additions to their life not change their life. Total power exchange relationships require changes, adjustments and effort from not only the slave but from the dominant as well. Most people who I see looking for primarily traditional role are not looking to change their ways but most are just looking for enhancements to their life by what the other is going to bring.

Too often you get a woman wanting a traditional husband but does not want to match up by being a traditional wife and vice versa. Roles have to fit each other (Yin/Yang). What you discover is a huge group that wants something but not willing to sacrifice for it. What you get are people who are obsessed on the term natural. The dominant wanting a 1950’s kink friendly wife that will turn on or off power based when the dominants needs to exercise it to get their way. The submissive wanting a super responsible man who will cherished them and take active responsibility in keeping them safe and happy. They shun things like punishments, rules and rituals and other things many TPE relationships have as being not natural or needed and that kinky things are for pleasure only.

Nothing wrong with this and certainly attainable as long as you accept the one limitation that power is essentially not remotely total but strictly based on two people agreeing to a strict assigning of duties and responsibilities in their life and not significant let alone strict obedience.

The difference in the end is the will of one becoming the will of the other and not just a mutual match up.

Total power exchange is the consensual forcing of obedience. It is not about what society’s expectations neither of how to live life nor about but what the two people agree on dividing up duties. It is not about the end product of the other person and what that provides but the day to day and minute by minute interaction between the two people. It is not about having one take care of all the domestic work and give you all the sex you want. It is not about a super responsible take charge person making you feel safe and cared for.

A traditional role woman throughout history just did not greet their husband at the door after spending an hour on her appearance and wearing nothing but high heels just because it was expected of her. A traditional woman did not cook every meal obsessing if their husband would like it let alone to his specific orders. A traditional woman did not put out anywhere, anyway and anytime their husband wanted.

A dominant man who wants control and things done his way does not want things done only when the woman cares to do them. He does not want to have sex only when the woman is also in the mood. The dominant male does not want something that was easy to make but does not care for because his woman was not in the mood to do anything that extravagant or wanted to go to the store to be able to make something he would like.

Nothing wrong with looking for a relationship that is basically a traditional role with maybe a few twists. But just understand the difference between that and total power exchange is different requiring much different things if you are actually wanting to control/power in the hands of one primarily in a relationship.

Needs Versus Being Too Needy

2008-06-20T13:31:00.010-05:00

Occasionally when I post on a power exchange message board or get some private emails from the posts on this blog I get messages from dominants who will rip on me for being too needy. Now of course I expect this from the cyber theorists and dominants who cannot handle a submissive that can speak their mind with confidence and not bow down that dares to demand anything from a Master but his pleasure. But the truth is being too needy is in fact a curse slaves can in fact bring on their owner.

Before I go long winded and dive into the topic I want to answer this question for all the cyber theorist dominants and with low self esteem that cannot handle submissives communicating they have other needs besides serving their glorious Master. The difference is… MENTAL HEALTH and REALITY!

Ok since I have been bashing dominants lately time to level the playing field and bash slaves.

What’s the difference between a need and too needy?

I would define a need, without looking up the dictionary term, as something you require in your life that you just have to have or a strong desire that can be realistically and historically can be met by one’s circumstances, abilities and decent effort. For example we obviously need food, water and air. A strong desire might be something like have sex a certain amount of times a week, live a certain lifestyle like living in a house and having a car and many things like that. Technically we do not need sex, a car and can live in a tent but realistically if a person really wants those three things they can get them and a dominant just cannot blow off the needs and strong desires of their slave.

Too needy to me is when a slave burdens their Master by mentally drain energy and passion for the dynamic, brings unnecessary or unrealistic expectations and tries to transfer personal responsibilities that cannot be transferred to their owner let alone anyone else. Here are some examples of each:

Draining the owner of mental energy – An example I would use is if a slave does things like non stop asking what they can do, needs feedback after doing nearly everything and questioning to just asking for reasons to an order too much instead of just obeying.

Unnecessary or Unrealistic Expectations – As a slave suppose you have a strong desire to have sex a normal amount of times, say 2-3 times a day, just kidding… unfortunately. That is just not realistic and therefore too needy. As a slave think the life will be a 24/7 kink fest or how you feel in the infatuation stage of the relationship when after you have received a discipline session is how you want to feel 24/7 is an unrealistic expectation.

Personal Responsibility – Anything a normal person let alone a slave knows better specifically that goes into deeply personal things and situations and expect your owner to now have total burden of responsibility is too needy. To me this is something like a slave needing their owner to deal with life situations like work issues, family and friends.

Can “too needy” be tangible to point out?

The answer to that is a big no!

Too needy when between any two people and certainly between a Master and their slave is simply a huge compatibility issue based on the personalities of the people involved. Certainly if we all judged the same sample of people we would probably judge many the same if looking for too needy but the fact is outside of the blatantly obvious people it is a to each their own.

Another problem is what area is based so highly on compatibility. For example I have basically no need to hear the words “I love you” or “thank you” come out of my Master’s mouth for emotional lift and support. When he is traveling I am more concerned I am taking too much of his time when he calls me then bugging him to call me more. I also will almost never question orders or punishments put on me. I am pretty low maintenance in my needs for emotional support. At the same time though I have a strong sex drive and really need sex more then once or twice a week. Is that too needy, I do not think so. So a Master with little or no sex drive but gives off a ton of emotional support is just not compatible in this case but a Master with a high sex drive but offers little emotional support might be.

So a slave who needs the dominant to actively control most things in her daily life would be too needy for most dominants but for a control freak might be a perfect fit.

How can a slave within reason avoid being too needy?

1) Obey – For all that entered into your 24/7 total power exchange relationship except maybe the ones who rushed in and/or leaped before you looked you must of cared for and agreed to the relationship dynamic. Obey a four letter word that is quite simple in meaning. If you find yourself questioning orders or reading deeper meanings into things without any known facts these meanings are there is often how too needy takes root. Focus on the actual obeying and less of the things flying around in your head. Typically most dominants are driven crazy by having a slave who rarely just accepts and follows orders without making any drama out of it. Often we are going into the too needy for the other when we do not let go of things.

2) Listen – It is the owner’s responsibility to communicate to you about their issues and feelings. It is a slave’s fault and quite hubris to assume there is a problem when none was communicated or they wanted something but you are not sure but they never said anything. Often we are going into the too needy for the other when we too often make mountains out of molehills.

3) Communicate – Look an owner who relies on a slave to speak up for anything they need or want is lazy and going to fail. But as a slave we must be able to communicate issues and specific things that we are having trouble or need/need more of or less of in our lives. Often too needy comes out not by amount or the type of request but from the false emotional attachment we have worked ourselves up in a fervor because of failing to be direct about it and using our emotions and other tricks to try to get the need taken care of. It is this try anything but direct approach work ourselves up to an unfair emotional state that puts us in the too needy stage.

4) Think – Issues with needs one must actually think if it is in fact a need and strong desire or is it merely something less let alone a byproduct of needless social conditioning. This is again up to the individual but every thing whether in the moment or long term that we think is a need might not be a need at all.

In the end basic compatibility for basic needs and strong desires are just up to the two people and whether they are a good fit or not and there is simply no right or wrong. One’s too needy can be another’s dream. But we as slaves can minimalize many things that appear as our needs but in reality are not needs at all. Doing so will make a happier less stressful relationship and bring better focus and seriousness of more vital needs that we cannot fix internally.