Lin’s M/s TPE Blog

More Personal

noreply@blogger.com (Lin) — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 20:42:00 +0000

Doublenot in this entry in her blog wrote about the lack of a lot of personal information in blogs and in particular the way some of this information that shows we all do not live in fairytale relationships and real life still dominates our life. Now from the time I started my blog and I will continue to do so because it is not only my nature but what motivates me to write is more only topics, theories and intellectual thoughts and practices of power exchange relationships. I do make a point to poke holes in the fairytales we sometimes weave in this life but I am not really offer up my real time and problems.

I thought I would just randomly spill out some personal info on me and my relationship in some sporadic no order of importance or any semblance of a theme or point.

Here are ten detailed things and maybe do this more often if I am comfortable.

1) Biggest thing I struggle with in our relationship is the lack of time we have together. My previous two serious relationships my owners never traveled and in fact worked the same place I did. My Master travels quite a bit and between that and my job makes a lot of alone time I am not use to and cause more roller coaster ride then I like.

2) I have never had a serious relationship that was not M/s. Never had a teenage love affair thing and chased different sexual relationships until being introduced to this life at twenty. I have not once even thought about seeing what a regular relationship was like.

3) I rarely struggle with obedience but struggle and cause problems with my Master when he does things I am use to doing. Fill my day up with orders I am perfectly fine and probably more then fine but quite happy. But for William to clean or cook something see me unravel and get all kinds of uncomfortable and stressed out. I stress myself out at the drop of a hat. To find the kitchen cleaned two days before I was to normally clean it will paralyze me as I obsess over if William thought I should have already done a deep cleaning but more often thinking about how it throws off my schedule and how to get back on it.

4) I am not an adrenaline addict. I have been accused of this often by people who see kinky slave and ER nurse. I have a phobia about motorcycles and see no reason to jump out of an airplane or bungee jump. My mind is super fast and the chaos of the ER really helps me function best.

5) Our biggest issue as a couple is my job. William loves what he does and enjoys doing it. He still after all this time cannot understand that I feel the same way when he often sees me come back from a shift exhausted, mad, frustrated or near tears. One of the things I stated and kept firm when looking for my owner was that I would be allowed to work full time and in the area I wanted. William has already got me to part time and keeps trying to get me out of the ER and that talk never ends up just being a talk.

6) My Mom knows I am into S&M. I do not know if she knows about M/s although I would not bet a dime she does not know. She saw me enough times with bruises that we had quite the talk one day. I am almost positive my Dad knows as well but enjoys the do not ask do not tell. In terms of them accepting my Master, my brother said it best to William when he was worried about it “You got Lin to agree to being married and think about having children. You could have been an imprisoned serial killer and not only gotten our Mom’s blessing but she would have helped you escape.”

7) The one kinky thing you will never see me comment on or write about is orgasm control. I have heard all the reasons for why to do it and why it is enjoyable for both sides over and over but I still basically cannot process it in my brain. I am thankful my first owners were basically the opposite of this in which they believed I sexually served them and my orgasms were great but irrelevant unless at the time they specifically wanted to see me orgasm.

8) I despise drama in people. Of course plenty of drama queens and kings out there in great relationships but I do not know how they can do it. I am generally a patient person but people that need to make a big deal out of everything that they come up against or feel I usually have very violent thoughts against. I will never understand how someone can care so much where they go to eat or in a great long term relationship the other says one thing that is not a major thing but makes one obsess and re-think prior well proven thoughts.

9) I do not nor have ever journal for myself or my Master. – I can scream and write open and forward communication like everyone else in keeping people on the same page and not letting problems build and fester until they are well blown out of proportion but I have no formal way of nipping those things in the bud. We sometimes if have big things particularly when new would have scheduled sit down talk out things and still have those here and there. But most of the time I still need to get the nerve to bring things up the old fashion way.

10) We have the most common wishes for our other, he wishes I would initiate more the sexual and kinky things and I wish he would be more indulgent and rougher in his use of me. We have a history of each going bouts where I am doing hints and passive aggressive behaviors to get laid and kink done to me and he sometimes forgets just how much I love serving him and cruelty towards me and starts playing regular husband into kinky mutual enjoyable sex.

No Chance

noreply@blogger.com (Lin) — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 15:26:00 +0000

Hang around in cyber, local communities or talk to enough dominants you will come across two theories in this life that it saddens me people often give thought and reflection to. 1) A dominant should not love their submissive/slave. 2) A dominant has to not need their slave as much as their salve needs them or they will be powerless.

Now probably most of you reading this go that is just stupid but still I am stunned just how many pause and give this thought especially new people into the life that often these confused dominants try to prey on.

Insecurity is a factor in this life

People do not like to talk about this and whenever I have brought up in the past especially in person or on a message board people will often line up to bash me but insecurity of the other leaving is a driving force behind power exchange relationships. Notice I did not say only, biggest or major but for most people this is a reason of some consequence.

From a dominant’s standpoint things like bowing, statements of devotion and seeing their submissive sacrifice for them goes into the feeding of the insecurity of look how much they care for me and therefore will not leave me. From a submissive’s all these things we do to please them and put them first goes into the feeding of our insecurity of them leaving us. That if we do these things and keep them happy they will not leave us.

No human does not have some insecurities and for most in power exchange the other leaving us is an insecurity that we share. But for those where it goes to becoming unhealthy, dangerous and unchecked is when people act on it in a severe and life controlling way. Dominants who obsess over needing the other less are dealing with unhealthy insecurity of have a big issue of not being able to handle well if the other person leaves them.

These can be very dangerous people at worse and at best are incredibly needy people which go for submissives as well if they are unhealthy about worrying their other will dump them.

What’s love got to do with it?

Most human beings want and need love in our relationships. But love and the ability to give it and accept it ranges greatly in human beings. We though as human beings often do not like to admit that to ourselves and when the more love express/needed person falls for someone they tend to assume that everyone is like them exactly and therefore if this person loves and cares for them they will respond in kind. But not all human beings are capable of loving or showing/giving it.

To ask most people, including people in this life, that love is a critical component in a successful and healthy long term relationship, but the truth is it is not a must have for some to have a successful and long term relationship. I am pretty sure we all know others who are in long term relationships that do not seem to be loving ones that the people seem perfectly fine with them. Whether an older couple that relies on one to take care of the other physically while the other takes care of them financially and for whatever reason these relationships do in fact exist.

The fact is love in a relationship and the need to feel and give it are compatibility things for two people. For some it has to ooze out of everything in the relationship and for some does not or cannot even be in their relationships. But for most of us including power exchange couples it is somewhere in between those two extremes and it is important for all couples that love is involved.

Regular relationship rules apply

One of the biggest mistakes many people make when they get into this life even when they have significant experience in it is to discount or think that because of the power exchange and how they fit it that human behavior and needs somehow become greatly different. That power exchange relationships transcend regular relationship dynamics because they are special! It is one of the fairytales of this life.

It is buying into this myth that is the cornerstone of the reasons and motivations of the most common mistakes in these relationships. That people, especially dominants, decide what they want whether overall or in the moment and then work there way back to a power exchange theory that supports it. This is what goes on when a dominant states that one should not love their slave. The truth is most dominants promoting that do not want an all encompassing relationship or have limited or no ability to give love to another.

This is the same thinking along the lines of a dominant stating one cannot get married to their slave. All that actually means is they do not want to get married for the usual reasons people do not want to get married and no power exchange special reason other than trying to fool themselves or their other that it is not a regular old human reason.

We can be compatible, not compatible, get fooled or get played

In the end we are either going to be on the same page, be the right fit and have the timing of all it right or we will not be. Power exchange cannot quench the thirst of an unhealthy insecurity, shore up perceived lack of character traits many want from another and protect oneself from slights of the past or fears of the future whether realistic or imaginary. A person may or may not need love in their relationship but no wishful theory in the world can get a person who needs it to be with one who cannot or will not give it.

No relationship has a chance if one is obsessed over who needs the other more and actually thinks that dictates what can go on in a power exchange relationship. People require at the minimal when in long term relationships is to feel the other one is deeply committed to the other through the thick and thin. For most but not all that includes love as a critical component and not obsessing over an insecurity or dealing with a person who makes us jump through that hoop.

Labels – Why the Drama?

noreply@blogger.com (Lin) — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 12:13:00 +0000

In writing my blog I try to only write on a topic that I am inspired/get my dandruff up by something. I also in thinking and looking for ideas tend to keep a list of topics I would like to write on but just have not felt to inspiration to. One of those topics that has been on the list for a long time now is labels.

Now I could right on labels in some detail but after reading the blog Laurie’s-ramblings of a madwoman and her excellent post on labels there is no need to write anything in detail about this topic. At best it would be a poor imitation and at worse probably some subconscious plagiarism. So all I will do is mention it here add one thing and if anyone is interested in how too many of the people in this life obsess over labels please read her post.

My two cents worth, labels are necessary for giving basic information to people and that is about it. To call oneself a slave in this life to someone they probably will guess you are not a Saturday night bottom at a local dungeon only player. It does mean much more then that or even if they agree or not but know something to infer, ask or just chat about.

Most of us tend to only go that far with the labels we deal with on an everyday basis. But some go way too far. I find that it is quite ironic that the people who go out of their way to rant against labels give them often more value then anyone else.

Emotional Masochism

noreply@blogger.com (Lin) — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 19:16:00 +0000

I have been reluctant about writing about this topic that is near and dear to my heart out of defiance more then anything else. You see I am an emotional masochist which is why I am such a big fan of degradation and humiliation play. But unfortunately there is a huge double standard in our huge tent when there is talk on this subject. You see because physical masochism gets pretty much a free pass. If one likes physical pain inflicted on them you pretty much get a free pass from all the safety police, directed at you personally not the acts, and all the non physical masochists stay away from the subject.

But for the people like me who are emotional masochists we get no luxury. Whenever the topic of humiliation or degradation comes up or if the specific topic of emotional masochism comes up the safety police come out in droves to talk about stranger’s personal issues and everyone and their mothers often feel free to wade on the subject regardless even if they are clearly not even remotely this way.

My protest was always in a silent way to not treat physical masochism and emotional masochism any different because if you are one or both of them then you are and most things talked about into this area apply even if they may apply differently. But I decided I wanted to write my view on emotional masochism. I am going to be brief because I think this is a topic that prevails itself to either brief or go way deep but in between can be confusing. I will end with me attacking the myths that are promoted.

What is emotional masochism?

I want to give two ways to describe it then go into types.

1) Do you enjoy a sad movie or television program where a character makes you cry? – Many of us do otherwise many movies and television shows would not have these elements in them. Well for an emotional masochist we might really love to have a “good” cry. It might be enjoyable in the moment or it might be the feeling afterwards but some way we like to cry or feel bad as it does not have to be about crying.

2) The enjoyment/pleasure/need of releasing junk deep with ourselves that is quite negative whether we believe it and often when even if we know and do not believe it. This venting of negative junk allows a person to feel more relaxed or feel more pleasurable things that the negative junk might have been blocking.

I know/categorize or for ease three types. I am not claiming this is all or even right but just from my experiences and observations. I am also not discussing levels to simplify it as well. Just like all other people with interests, issues and preferences they come with levels. To assume worse case scenario for each is just as idiotic as to assume very light for each as well.

1) People who have prior abuse that has caused an abnormal amount of self hatred with themselves. – Often people with such an endless source of self hatred from suffering from abuse as a child that they often have trouble feeling anything nice. Often without a safe way to vent this will act out in very self destructive ways. For some their emotional masochism that along with many other factors wonder into the kinky sex area and find an outlet to let out the bad so they can feel the good.

2) People who have internal conflicts of what they feel and what society has preached or doing individual things to how we think they should have gone. They feel but do not express for various reasons like non emotional that way or living up to society behavior so it gets stuck inside them. – This is basically how I am. I will stress myself out trying to be something I do not have to be or intellectually know I have to be but none the less I do it. People like me this is pretty much hardwired into us in such a way that we naturally without reason stress ourselves out.

3) Number two above but with specifically sexual in nature. – Probably the most common one in society. This is for whatever reason a person who cannot reconcile what most people find is healthy sexuality with their mind pretty much all sex is issues and screwed up in some way. The classic good girls do not do that type thoughts. So puncturing those feelings to vent out and let the fun sex feeling their body truly craves is a fairly common thing. Think the classic “I am a slut for my Master” or “You are such a slut. You cannot get enough of my cock” type phrases people do with each other.

Myths of Emotional Masochism

1) Without years of experience as a top it can be very dangerous. – One of things I despise the most and there is probably no way of getting around it is the mixing in of the ego with actual safety talk. This is one of the reasons. Once again we are talking about professional dommes and people who play on a local community level confusing the dangers of playing with strangers in general compared to people playing in loving healthy long term relationships. We are talking about these people confusing other people who are not self aware or dealing with issues unchecked and therefore self medicating that can cross the line to people who do deal with there issues and are self medicating in a safe and healthy way.

Because to think only an emotional masochist can be in this life and not be dealing with bigger issues that could explode on them as opposed to the other things we do is absurd. This is the double standard I talked about previously. This is the be careful of prior abuse shouted from the rooftop whenever these things are mentioned but silenced about past physical abuse when an S&M subject comes up about the dangers in the mind. Or people who are quick to discard themselves and lose themselves into a fairytale image of a slave these people often do not mention or talk about.

If a person is not stable, not dealing or cannot handle their own reactions the it is not skill but sheer stupidity and dangerous irresponsible behavior to be playing with people like this in the first place.

2) The play that emotional masochists are often into is dangerous and can cause damage easily. – This is the most ignorant of all the reasons out there about play like this. Unfortunately it is prevalent because many in this life suffer to some various degree of the cool factor disease. The cool factor disease in summary is the thought of the more power given over and the fewer limits one has makes them better then others. So many who want to try all the bells and whistles in this life but instead of going “oh well, just not for me” instead get their ego tied up into it and make it “this is very dangerous”.

How this comes into play is when people start exploring the area where emotional masochists flourish like humiliation and degradation type stuff. Since there are many that on some level like some of these things on a very light and harmless way (think again of it is cool to feel like a filthy slut during sex sometimes with hubby) that when there is an attempt to go deeper it can be bad and dangerous. But the reason should be in big neon lighted lights, MAYBE BECAUSE THERE IS NO EMOTIONAL MASOCHISM IN YOU!

Once again double standard, as people in this life automatically accept physical pain. But the fact is take a cane to the average person and see if that is not dangerous from a mental standpoint because guess what, it is! Play that goes directly with emotions is a separate play that physical S&M is and on and on with the types of play. People with the cool factor disease are usually more trying to explain why there not into something then accepting others are going to be different from them.

3) That this play can add to the issues of an emotional masochist. – Most if not all emotional masochist that are drawn to this type of play are drawn based on two things. 1) They are harder on themselves then any other person or society. 2) It is an outlet to vent these feelings and not intake them.

The person who feels worthless and cannot find a way to vent it is not getting this feeling by others directly. The person feeling worthless is certainly not getting it directly from the person they love and respect in an ongoing relationship. So some random play that taps these feelings and lets them come out and it is not about stuffing more of these feelings in to a person explodes.

Again, someone’s cane to the tits is deeply enjoyable is another’s abuse chant. Well an emotional masochist might prefer to be totally degraded by their owner as incredibly enjoyable similar to a physical masochist getting their tits worked over.

4) Nobody should be self medicating. – Then there would be no one left on earth. We all self medicate. Whether eating comfort food when we are sad or stressed or flirt or masturbate when our sex life is not satisfactory. It is not that self medicating is bad but that unhealthy self medicating is bad. It is the eating of comfort food until we are morbidly obese, diabetic and with severe heart problems or we start of having affairs and risky sex in these examples.

But if one knows, recognizes and deals with their issues and enjoyments in a healthy way then we call that a person with their act together. Well for an emotional masochists dealing with what we enjoys means in a safe contained way from a good cry watching a sad movie to some of the darker play in this life. Like other stuff they all can be an instrument of good and bad. A person could watch endless sad movies and become physically depressed or a person seeks out getting treated like crap only from another and not have the goodness in the relationship for the same examples.

Emotional masochists are out there and take general pleasure in many things most do not in life including many in this life that openly accept physical pain as being a part of this life. Just like a regular person might see through their eyes at what you do and think it is dangerous and questionable people often in this life see what emotional masochists gravitate to and think dangerous and questionable. But if it is a healthy fit that view is just as crazy as many of the people who get so frustrated and/or hide out of fear from letting regular people know what makes them happy.

We are all not the same and certain things done in scope and intensity in this life are done the same for the same reasons. Some of us really dig being humiliated and degraded a deep enough way by our loved one.

Random Opinions II

noreply@blogger.com (Lin) — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 20:29:00 +0000

I think nothing scares dominants more then when submissives communicate of real time experience of their other stop being committed to the dynamic and stopped all active domination and play/scenes. So many try for the obedient spouse/maid, cook and whore with a great attitude that whenever real life people point out the real life failures of the dominant not holding up their end it scares them because many are that way and just do not have the domination within them. That many truly are just about do those things and tell me what you need and I will give it and think that can actually work. Time after time I see dominants respond with the most idiotic and ill thought out garbage when replying to specific and clear examples like they are being questioned by police and are trying to think of an alibi.

Being open to power exchange and BDSM and being open and adventurous sexually are completely two different things and often if both are wanted in a relationship that the hurdle of a person(s) with society values and raised beliefs are not tied together. For some they may mirror but for many one of them might be more difficult and possibly not going to be able to do. So one may become a freak in bed but never get comfortable with power exchange and vice versa. Just because someone is one of these things does not make them the other or easily converted. That goes for males and dominants as well.

People into poly need to do a much better job in promoting their ways. My first relationship was poly and quite successful in the fact it was not suppose to go on forever and they are still close friends who actually traveled to Taiwan to be guests at my wedding. So I am far from being against poly or think it cannot work. But poly people are often so defensive about their preferences for the life they can often act like a cult. What I mean by that is anything that people point out about problems and difficulties that outsiders bring up or people with past bad experiences in poly they circle the wagons and usually snipe back. I feel until poly people act in a more open and honest way in discussing the problems of poly and admit many in poly looking for thirds or go through thirds all the time are not good poly people or in it for good reasons. Until they do more of this then they will still get treated like a cult and have a tough time finding people to join them.

I feel maybe because of being submissive or being raised in Eastern culture make me somehow too harsh with this view but I always feel that too many women who are more prone to easiness and comfort of habit that keep their hair short and dress in a less then feminine way hurt their relationships. Often when I hear women complain their men no longer touch them that often or other even some of the more tame affectionate things I look at how they present themselves and want to blurt out why would he. I am not a believer of the poetic prose of that long hair and always wear outfits like dresses and skirts at all times be attractive is HOW a woman is naturally to be. But if we love our other and accept men are visually stimulated then I do not know why a woman does not make an effort to look appealing to their man. There is a reason early on in a power exchange relationship a male owner will often order the hair grown longer and the clothes more feminine worn by their slave.

I wish more women would be more secure in most things not based on a relationship so they can have more courage to leave crappy relationships and find ones that work for them. I also feel that more women need to stop thinking of a man as an entertainment device first then worry about long term compatibility things later.

I wish there was a remedial school for power exchange relationships. Every time a man talks only about the toys they are forced to take the class and every time a woman communicates a Master is suppose to be Prince Charming they have to take the course as well.

Rules & Rituals

noreply@blogger.com (Lin) — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 15:59:00 +0000

I wanted to write a lot briefer then I normally do on this topic and then be more personal then I normally am and show some examples of the ones in my life.

First I do not quite know what the difference sometimes between a rule and a ritual when it comes to the ritual part. Is it a rule how one may greet their owner or is it a ritual. I know a straight rule like no wearing sweats when the temperature is above sixty for example.

Rules and Rituals is a pet topic for me as I believe they are critical in having a healthy 24/7 M/s relationship. I wrote in more detail why in the sister pet topic atmosphere. These two topics tend to overlap as I tend to think of rules and rituals to be the backbone of keeping up a healthy power exchange atmosphere within a relationship. These two topics and how they often get clouded up and mistreated by people in far lesser power exchange dynamics (in scope not how good) and those with the cool factor disease were one of my motivations to start this blog and spend less time on message boards.

So instead of another entry of broad theory I thought it would be different to give some quick thoughts on developing beneficial rules and rituals and then use some as my own as example.

Basic and primitive guidelines

1) Not too many but not none as well. – It is the biggest gripe among people who do not want these things in their life that it burdens them more then anything. Certainly too many can contribute to the burdening. I am guessing the leading cause of having too many in a relationship is because people thinking of ones they might like or read of rules and rituals in other M/s relationships that people just add them with no thought to why outside of thinking they would be cool and fun. I think a good way to see if you need a ritual or rule is for both to monitor their life and see a particular time frame or situation that is routine that one or both struggle to deal with their perspective roles and duties in the relationship can be a good place to put something in.

2) Have a good motivation for a rule or ritual. – I believe any rules and ritual can be good as long as one of the person’s directly involved will feel more dominant or submissive because of it therefore enhancing the power exchange atmosphere. I do not believe both have to get something out of it. I also believe that if an owner has a preference then it can be perfectly great as well. But the best rules and rituals will have a better reason then “because I say so” even if it is as simple as “I really like you doing that”.

3) If a tree falls in the woods does it make a sound. – An owner may really like the idea of their slave contemplating their love and devotion to them for a certain amount of time during the day they are not there. But if the slave gets really nothing out of it then at some point this type of ritual is not really benefiting anyone and at worse is burdensome. If this happens to a ritual where no one really is getting the benefit of it then think about adjusting it or just no longer having it in the relationship. For this example, maybe have the slave just say something to their owner that goes in this direction when the owner is present.

4) Have some fun with them. – So many times in so many areas I see people wanting to know what others have in their relationship in terms of rules and rituals like they are looking for ideas for themselves. Rules and rituals are about creating an atmosphere that reminds all participants their place in the relationship and that comes with enjoying that place. If the owner or even the slave has a particular thing they would like to emphasize in their relationship then think what types of rules and rituals can help emphasize that. For example many of our rules and rituals are for reminders of my Master that he can inflict pain on me at anytime. This is done mostly out of motivation for him to indulge in his sadism lusts and to overcome a lifetime of being the good guy.

5) Cool and/or intense has nothing to do with it. – Some rules and rituals that really help out the relationship can be quite corny or a lame stereotype. But if they work who cares. Overtime these things can blend in like most things in life that we do over and over again. Judging a rule or ritual primarily on how intense they are to one or both is building up expectations too high that will be tough to sustain. Rules and rituals enhance the power exchange dynamic of one’s relationship and they do not make or change it.

6) Re-visit them once and awhile. – People adapt and life changes. What was a beneficial and nice ritual may have become useless with neither party getting anything out of it, time to change it, dump it or replace it.

Here are five examples of rules & rituals that William and I have in our Master/slave TPE relationship

1) After most of the day apart (working & miscellaneous), I greet him whether he is coming in the door or me finding him when I come in the door by kneeling and expressing my love and devotion to him and our dynamic in a very brief way.

Fairly common ritual and trust me the sayings I normally come up with cause us more to laugh then any other emotion. In terms of intensity pretty minimal but in terms of effectiveness it helps both of us quite a bit. One or both of us have just spent a day in the regular world. This ritual is good for us because it resets the world for us and helps us remember and separate the difference between the world and our dynamic. This is not any different then the couple that always greets each other by hugging and smooching. Short term issues and problems can help lose focus of how we really feel and like to feel.

2) When Master is done in the bedroom before starting his day I am to go to the designated chair bare my ass and he will give me five slaps of his hand. Also sometimes he will then have me turn around and hold my hands over my head and he may pinch my nipples.

Many people have rules and rituals in the first thing in the morning stuff. I do not think that is a coincidence even if they have not thought about it. Waking up in a new morning and having something to remind us of our place in the relationship helps get everything off on the right foot. We have weird schedules due to his traveling a lot on business and me working the night shift. Our days of waking up together for the day are limited and we are also still newlyweds we would probably break most of the rituals we would set up. This one helps in it is easy, specific and intense that really helps me greatly focus on my life and duties in a really nice way.

3) Before sitting in the same room with my Master I am to approach and pose in a submissive way and ask permission.

Now Master has never said “no, get out of my face” and the literal translation of my request is not even partly a reason for this ritual. The ritual is in place for both of us to be reminded I am there to serve my owner for his needs and pleasures. The ritual gives him the chance to think as the Master he is by giving pause to a very common regular life thing and going I do or can have something right now. It helps both of us as it is a nicer and easier thought process of asking “do you want anything?” which has vanilla tones and pressure because whether or not he may not want something there is a thought process to me of he must want something. So simple permission allows him to think about indulging and allows me not to focus on doing something to get my slave on but to take his words as end all.

4) When I come home and after I kneel to him I wait to see where he goes or if he is already at a stationary place I then proceed without any acknowledgment or seek out any acknowledgment by him take off all my clothes close to him but not interrupt his sight if he is watching TV for example. I then pause for one minute and after pick up my clothes and go to the bedroom to change into clothes that fit the rules for such thing.

Again this ritual is a reminder to both of us that he is my owner and I am his slave. Like most people when I walk through the door after being gone from home my mind is on all the things I need to do. Even if these things are power exchange things they still are not as important as pleasing my Master in the moment based on what he wants. The truth though is this ritual was started out of the fact my Master likes to pick out what he wants me to wear often enough that I just cannot walk in and be comfortable in automatically dressing myself but not as often that he does it all the time or wants to be burden with me asking all the time. Basically this ritual is asking the question in silence and if he does not speak up then it is my choice within my ordered guidelines.

I would hold up this as an exhibit that can be somewhat redundant to the kneeling ritual and appear a bit silly at least I thought so at first. But the practice of it has been real beneficial. It has given both emphasis and ease in my Master not feeling pressure to pick what I wear but still bring it to his attention if he has a desire. It lets me not have to guess if he wants something specific but at the same time if he says nothing it still focuses me on dressing is for his pleasure and not for my convenience. Plus him seeing me naked and especially if I have some marks on me has instigated a lot of sexual fun we might not have had.

5) At 2pm everyday I either inform him in person on the weekends or text him what I plan on making for dinner that night for him.

This ritual again is a reminder to both of us who is in charge as it allows him to either approve of dinner, by either ignoring or replying so, or allows him to tell me if he wants something different. This gives him active control without the burden of coming up with what I should make and it allows me comfort in knowing what I will make is fine with him.

I specifically used these five examples as they demonstrate to me just how all of them take routine daily things and put the Master/slave dynamic right out in the open. But at the same time none of these rituals requires any significant time or additional thought/effort then normal if one is not feeling it. None of these things are not daily on a regular basis with all couples but we just have re-enforced the M/s dynamic and not let regular life cloud over it. So kneeling to greet instead of or additional to hugs and smooches. Swats on my ass instead of just “I love you. See you tonight”. There is no burden of having my owner decide what for me to wear and make for dinner but there is a strong reminder to both that it is still his complete decision to exercise and not lost by regular life and many days of indifference.

Rules and rituals play an important part of steadying the ride that M/s relationships can take place. They are not always about intensity and bringing out the more severe things but often can be about both people focusing and paying attention to all the little things whether preventing doubt or burdening one or both with endless thoughts and questions on a daily basis. Well designed and thought out rules and rituals enhance the atmosphere of a M/s relationship while often help lessen the burden of both people in it from alway having to work on it.

Consensual Non Consent

noreply@blogger.com (Lin) — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 12:14:00 +0000

Nothing filters people in this life to how they think about and live it then when they communicate on this topic. So with that being written let me expose myself to judgment.

Reality or fantasy

One of the questions any message board get on Master/slave total power exchange relationships is the age old is it real or is it just a fantasy. It is usually asked by people that I would put into three groups.

1) Do not take anything in this life that serious. I am not picking on these people but the thought of actual devotion to a power exchange dynamic is just something they will never take seriously as this life is more about just the kinky things and role playing the power exchange stuff when they are in the mood and agree to it. To these people these things are just an addition to their life like a hobby and cannot grasp people taking it too seriously that they make it part of their real life dynamic as a core principal. They may try to live an M/s life but anything that it runs up against they discard it until they pick it up again sometime later. It is separate and not integrated into their life.

2) Dominants taking this life way too literally. Usually cyber theorists and/or mentally unhealthy people who actually believe the slave definition out of Webster’s dictionary is the minimal level for one to call themselves a slave. These are the people that find when people talk in a healthy and sane way about Master/slave relationships it is watered down junk or cannot find a slave to literally become property and give up all rights and property of their own along with agreeing to truly no limits and then bark it is all fantasy.

3) Submissives with significant self esteem issues. They need to feel superior toward others and they do this by taking their personal view of a slave, often close to the Webster’s dictionary, and think they live it that way and then point to all the others as just fantasy players. What is unfortunate about this is their life is usually not even remotely like they say it is. The simple fact is because their self esteem is so low they could never handle anything actually non consensual in the moment. These are often the people proclaiming they are a no limit slave and when someone points out obvious limits they reply back “my Master would never ask me to do that”. They are taking value by how they perceive their role is as a 24/7 TPE slave like it is fuel for one’s self esteem.

The truth is out there

In my personal opinion any actual power exchange in a relationship has to have non consensual consent or there is no power being exchanged. I do not care if it is only contained to one night in the basement or bedroom a week or if you have some sort of 24/7 dynamic. But within the boundaries of the agreed upon power exchange the dominant ask or does something that the submissive does regardless of wanting to, feeling like it, not wanting to, hating it outside of safety concerns.

So if they have agreed to a dynamic where the dominant can demand sex of any type at anytime for example then the dominant can actually do this and not just have the right to try to have sex at anytime by having to get their submissive aroused first. Another example if the Master decides to order their slave to clean a closet right then and now and makes the slave miss their favorite TV show but an hour later the slave is sitting next to him watching TV of a show they do not like that consensual non consent.

Why would people live like this?

Let me use an analogy to partially answer this question. Say you love to garden and every year you tend to a huge garden in your back yard. During the springtime there is a lot of work in order to get it ready from cleaning up the damage fall and winter did to it. You have to cultivate the dirt and plant the seeds. You have to spend extra time watering in the beginning perhaps. During the rest of the year there are always weeds to be picked, fertilizing and pest control to do. In other words you love to have a garden but it is a lot of work.

The truth is even for a person who loves to garden that not every second they are doing something for that garden. Maybe you always hate one particular thing that has to be done. Or maybe some days you love to putt around the garden weeding it and some days you just dread doing it but you have to do it anyway. But many days you love to just take care of the garden. Some things you always love to do and often whether when just finishing the some thing major or just randomly look upon your garden and get a great sense of happiness and satisfaction.

Well in a sense that is what a slave does when agreeing to have non consensual consent in their relationship. We are more then willing to have moments in our life, even on a daily basis, that we might have to struggle through in order to have things we love in our life and have that overall happiness and loved feeling. To have what we want overall we have to do things that are not always what we want or like in the moment.

The other part of the equation gets into a submissives personality. You will read, hear and think about how we are wired to put our cherished ones above ourselves or we hate all the mind games of indirect communication and bartering regular relationships have. For some of us we have a fetish for power and control being exercised over us. Here is the cool/weird/sick thing about consensual non consent, when serving the one we love it is better then the alternative and it is not even close. There is no way I could be happy both in the moment and overall if I was causing my Master to not be as happy and pleasured as he could be by having to worry about if I am alright in doing something in the moment even to the point he damn well knows I hate doing it. For example I could not possible enjoy my favorite TV program or even masturbate to an orgasm knowing my Master is cooking dinner when I should be doing that for him. So even if I am dead tired, have no interest in cooking dinner and left to my own would not in a million years cook a dinner it is still way better for me overall to be ordered to cook dinner.

The use of consensual non consent in a relationship especially in a 24/7 TPE is critical and getting a loving Master to use his power on that level is often a big hurdle that is critical in overcoming. Happiness and love comes from the cutting away of anxiety and burden of not knowing for sure and how the other is going to react. Consensual non consent when exercised in the relationship lets both parties know they need not worry about some other mythical shoe dropping.

Elephant in the room again

Consensual non consent has a scary pretense to many who do not have it in their life. Heck, it is scary and sometimes denied for some of us that do have it in our life. It goes against all the fairytale preaching one might fall for of the Master being so awesome that they always do things in the slave’s best interest or can make the slave feel so wonderful that doing anything for them at anytime is to bring a slave joy with woodland creatures singing a cheerful song and helping us out. But life is not like that and all relationships we do things that we do not feel like when we do not want to do them. Thinking an extreme power exchange relationship one will not hit this and probably harder is not realistic.

One of the things I do not like is how between the local community and other who often want to preach all things done is for the bottom and that carries forward into a power exchange relationship and the popular thought and practice of somehow bottom to submissive to slave is a natural progression that there is that elephant in the room when consensual non consent first happens. Now I am not writing one cannot take this progression as many do but I am stating that D/s to M/s is quite different and not just another step because of consensual non consent becomes a big part of the life. That people I think would have a lot more success and ease into an M/s 24/7 relationship if one did not look at these things as stepping stones and mentally thought and worked on the this topic sooner then later if one thinks M/s is their calling in life.

But I cannot control the universe and I am far too lazy to figure out a plan and execute it to do so. So instead we get people waxing beautiful false fairytales or people spreading fear of anything that is not a fairytale. The truth is the time, things and feelings in doing many of the consensual non consent things takes up little time, not way out there bad things and often are feelings of not doing something to please our Master will be far worse then doing things we do not like. I will not lie and do think it is a big step to accept this in our relationship but often we have made it bigger by trying to connect unrelated stuff and listen to people who do not practice what you are drawn to and want.

It is one of those things where it is easy to point a finger from the sidelines and go look out that consensual non consent will be 24/7 life sucks because the owner can therefore will do things that will just cause hardship. Possibly true, but I choose to believe these people are the clueless morons. Not that it is not for them but they try to preach worse case scenario. I think most of us that enter and thrive in 24/7 M/s total power exchange relationships that have the possibility of consensual non consent playing a part in are life on a daily basis form small to large. But the concept lost on all the local community sycophants and look out cyber people is they just always forget we are consenting to the one’s we love, trust and hopefully are compatible. If they were monsters that made us miserable then why would be submitting to something that extreme? I would not and hope others do not as well.

Consensual non consent is alive and well in healthy power exchange relationships. How else can one serve someone we love and care for if we do not let them have the power if they are then not allowed to use it?

Irony of Pornography

noreply@blogger.com (Lin) — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 14:05:00 +0000

Now I am not either a big fan of porn but neither am I an opponent of porn in anyway. I am more prone to written erotica then the visual stuff but on occasion and with my Master enjoying video porn I have seen my share.

I hate overt hypocrisy

I have never understood the arguments over why porn should be either banned as indecent or porn depiction of women is degrading. Now these two arguments can be debated strictly on a subjective level but my issues with how the negative people seem transfixed on porn and ignore many other things in this life that would fall under their same argument that is much more prevalent in society and out there for children to see.

As far as I can tell that as long as a reputable Hollywood or other foreign movie maker makes a film that basically it is ok with what a lot of what is put out. In other words these studios can produce one violent/horror film after another. They can show all the naked women they want being treated just like any bad plotted porn film. Every week there is a new horror film released where the women that bare their breasts get killed in gruesome ways and hardly any outrage. Silence of the Lambs wins Oscars by making a cannibalistic killer cool. But porn is somehow bad and to be hidden from society.

Because it is better for people to be exposed to violence in the theatre and TV over and over then heaven forbid then be at risk to be exposed to pornography where adults are enjoying each other company in a mutually pleasant way. The horrors and evil of the naked body!

BDSM Porn

I understand it cannot be made like Hollywood makes horror films. Society is not ready for this. But I for one have rarely seen a BDSM video that I enjoyed. Why, because they often have no emotion or sexuality toward them. That they come in two types, either purely BDSM where the bottom is put through the paces as the top is like not even part of the scene or sexual where the props, clothes and anything done are just more for ambiance of a regular sex scene.

People watch a horror film or some out there bullets flying everywhere cop action film and most call it harmless escapism because we are suppose to know that it is unrealistic and make believe. But it appears we are not allowed to make our porn in either a realistic safe way or indulge in fake fantasy stuff that Hollywood gives us.

I for one might watch porn if during a bondage and caning scene to see s sadists top get all hot and sexually worked up by what they are doing. Female dominants are allowed to use verbal humiliation but I am not sure if I have ever seen it by male dominants in a BDSM scene. So if we cannot have this for example why cannot we have the out there pretend stuff?

I have role played rape and interrogation scenes and enjoyed it. I do not need to see actors on a video act it out in an even phonier way. Why cannot I have actors in videos act these types of scenes out in a Hollywood fake but attempt at realistic way. I just do not see the point of some rape play video where the silicone to the extreme pretends to get raped by moaning in ecstasy while sucking the rapist cock like it taste like chocolate a minute into the scene.

I understand but wish that if every other video made by people allows people’s imagination to be indulged in what they put on tape regardless of how proper it is why cannot porn show us are fantasies that we cannot re-create out of circumstance and most important safety in a fake but with effort way.

Miscellaneous porn thoughts

My first owners made me watch a lot of porn when I first became owned by them. I was far from a prude and well experienced sexually but I was like many who kept it in the bedroom only way. They had me watch porn so I would get so familiar with sex and nudity that my bedroom side and outside the bedroom side would merge together better. Anyway, they had a lot of 80’s porn and I am happy to say dated me. My Master and I had this discussion last night on what were the differences because I strongly enjoy the old porn more then modern porn.

We kind of came to the conclusion that the 80’s women were still more real looking and even with fake breast they were fake like some normal person might get them done. The men were normal looking as well and not all steroid out. The plots in both groups are light and lame. But I think the biggest difference was the 80’s actors were either better actors or what I think they partially did what they did because they enjoy it. I think most modern actors are in it for the money and exposure and it is some business plan to do a porn.

Like I wrote I tend to not have much interest in the visual but I do like on occasion to read erotica. I like reading stories like my opinion above this. I have no interest in my written stories to be fairytale realistic that can and does happen but I like my erotic fiction to be dirty, dark, totally unrealistic in terms of concerns for safety, sanity and morality. I can get realistic and safe type stuff all over the place. Please give me the sicker stuff with the written word.

I hate starting up reading a story and turns out the author might have a problem with narcissism. Every time I read some thing like “After the third slap of his hand I felt myself trying to make my ass meet his hand halfway. I knew I would love and obey him forever” or “my wife is extremely adventurous and wild in bed but she was not remotely like that before she met me”. I have a little laugh or stop reading because the story will have just thinly veiled undertones of some man trying to write in a way that makes him look like an incredible stud.

I appreciate a person attempt at adult writing and putting it on the Internet for free. I appreciate and understand it might not have been written so people can masturbate to. But if I want to read a romance novel I will buy and read a romance novel. Please get to the more fun stuff earlier then later as most who do this just repeat the same buildup scene with a slight variation until an action scene anyway.

Porn, it does not beat the real thing but it has its place.

Pet Peeves

noreply@blogger.com (Lin) — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 19:53:00 +0000

Here are a quick off the top of my head pet peeves when people discuss power exchange relationships and kinky things.

1) The use of the word “more”. I will not go with the words “real” or “true” as those should be automatic for all to think moron when people use those. But more is used too often as well. Relationships are between two people and how they make each other feel. One is not more of a slave if they clean their house spotless without being ordered. One is not more of a Master by how little they have to directly order their slave. Your values and enjoyments of your other and relationship are only in the end important to you and your other. You can feel more of something within that relationship by some act being done but it is misplaced hubris to think of oneself more of a Master or slave because you do or did something that you think other might not. We are not in competition with anyone!

2) Self esteemed challenged male dominants who proclaim one must first start out as a submissive to learn it from their side before becoming a Master. Look, I am not going to say there could be nothing gained by trying our side for a little bit. But pretty much most things can be learned multiple ways and this life is one of them. But on the bigger picture to think that someone who gravitates toward being a dominant can possible understand what someone goes through that gravitates toward being a submissive is quite foolish. All one learns is at best the tip of the ice berg. To think that some man tries being submissive knowing it is only temporary, not being able to truly get what the pleasure of suffering for one out of love, to get turned on by the power or being on the receiving end of something and on and on compared to someone who is wired for that and it is not for some small time frame but an indefinite one. To think you can learn or get how that mind set filters and feeds off things is ludicrous. The men who promote this come off as what most of them are, long time Top only players in their local community that are trying to score more play partners by trying to keep as few as tops around from being attractive to the bottoms. To really believe this is to basically think anyone can be submissive and it is just idiotic and cheapens all of us who are submissive.

3) Dominants who think every problem they hear can be solved by the submissive to just focus on being more submissive and submissives who think every problem they hear is an automatic red flag leave the person thing. Problems in relationships usually come from a lack of open and honest communication and effort between the two or personality and compatibility issues. Not every problem has a quick fix and base on the dominant is perfect or just needs to be encouraged by a submissive being more overtly submissive and until one knows all the facts a problem or bad action by a dominant should not always default into a leave him submissives.

4) The continued watering down of the important things of trust, safety and abuse by throwing those words around so cheaply. Trust and safety are critical things to people in relationships and avoiding abuse as well. Thinking everything that goes wrong in a power exchange relationship causes one ability to trust to be destroyed or every mistake or accident can mean the person is totally unsafe and especially thought of as abusive without any other analysis is just doing a big disservice to not only this life but for actual victims of abuse in all walks of life. These are not any different then any other relationships and you do not hear nearly as often about someone’s trust being destroyed and wondering if they can trust again after a three week relationship blew up. You were not abused because the top did not get you in sub space and the scene was bad or emotionally abused because the guy you met over the Internet still has a open profile on another site a week after writing you. I do not know how many times I have had to try to talk some sense into an actual abuse victim to where they basically think they are not in a bad situation because all they hear is that everyone’s abused so why try something different.

5) People who confuse themselves and mislead others by confusing just for kicks or trying to lose their identity by “discovering themselves” or “exploring who they” are within the context of looking for long term relationships. I have written about this before but I really wanted to focus on was the fact that most proclaiming those are often doing the far opposite. I knew a woman on a personal site/message board which she had been on for five plus years. She had kept a running journal on her life and had pictures posted throughout those five years. She was big on discovering who she was but in those five years probably had not learned one thing about herself. In her journal entry and pictures you would see a woman who adopted probably six or seven far different religions/spiritualities and types of power exchange roles between the two. Each time in a zealot and “I have found my true self” way that to an objective observer was an obvious lost soul in trouble. All she was doing was discovering a new role to play every so often and hoping that would make her happy. I doubt she had discovered anything about who she was. This may have been an extreme case but it can shine a spot light on the issue. I have no problem and encourage people to “discover” and “explore” who they are. Just make sure you start with inside out instead of trying to go outside in and hoping to stumble into something that makes you happy. But it is also critical to stop trying to do this while at the same time find Mister or Misses long term. If you have not figured yourself out how can someone else or how can you truly know what is the best fit and relationship type to go looking for.

To Each Their Own

noreply@blogger.com (Lin) — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 18:02:00 +0000

I was reading a blog that I normally read and in about ten minutes had clicked on a blog they had read and then clicked on a blog that person reads. I write this because in the end I have no idea where I ended up when I came upon a blog entry that gave me great pause.

This particular entry the woman wrote that her Master/husband of ten plus years has decided she needs to concentrate more on being a better slave and has been too distracted by life. So her Master decided to cut off a significant amount of access to life like preventing her from driving, limiting time on the Internet and other isolating type things. My initial reaction and I am guessing most is look out this sounds really bad and then it hit me, I was being a hypocrite.

Perspective, to each their own and consensual non consent

I was a big old hypocrite because my mind kept thinking “red flag!” when reading this slave’s blog entry. But while what she wrote for a new relationship would be a red flag to be very concerned with she was not in a new relationship but a ten year one and from everything I read in her blog a quite happy one. So who the hell was I to form my opinion.

What I did is a human frailty that is common and can often lead to not getting things, judging others and bouts of extreme hubris. What I did was take what they were doing in their relationships and not bothering to see it how they saw it but how I would react if it was in my own. I would bet each and everyone of you who reads this that if you spent twenty-four hours and took every reaction you have toward something you heard or saw someone say or do wrote it down and took it to an independent third party they would say most of it was only your opinion and no fact in it at all. It could very well be any more credible then mere gossip.

For one to think how yucky one topping on a pizza is and find out their favorite is yucky to the other person. For a teacher to look at a mortician and think how the heck they can do what they do but the mortician might be thinking the same things toward the teacher.

So here I was for several seconds and maybe minutes thinking how severe her relationship truly was and if that was ok. Yet here I am in a pretty severe M/s relationship in which I want my face slapped if my focus and mood is not where it should be for my Master or how I am strongly attracted to people with domineering personalities that most run from. I would not want my sanity or how I live my life questioned so I should not be questioning hers without any actual facts. Because in the end all I was doing is filtering my creative thoughts through a few things she mentioned.

We are not all alike

I could never be in a D/s relationship. I cannot imagine how one goes turning power exchange on and off depending on some basis like specific thing and mutual right place and time type things that can be so overlapping and inconsistent. Many submissives cannot imagine what an M/s total power exchange relationship where the power to control someone is always there or at least available. But many of us are often guilty of thinking not only can we imagine it we think we know a lot about it from some of the tiniest clues and information presented. We are also guilty of this when comparing relationships that are personal in nature when comparing what we think is equal types such as a slave to another slave.

But we are not only not all alike, we are not close in most cases. Yet we tend to imagine and judge based on the fact that others are just like us. Sometimes when reading blogs, message boards or talking to people out in your local community it can be beneficial to take a step back to remind oneself that they are not you and therefore might not have your personality, interests, preferences and on and on. When someone does something that could be with other facts be bad and dangerous do not assume the other bad facts are automatically there.

It is far easier to casually say or write “to each there own” in a theoretical way but for many the real life specific situations we have trouble doing just that. This woman’s blog that I referred to was a stark reminder that I was not immune to such thoughts.

Talk Dirty To Me

noreply@blogger.com (Lin) — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 14:35:00 +0000

I think although it can vary greatly in amount and in what context most people enjoy dirty talk in their sex life. I know I personally love it when my Master uses his oral skills while having dirty thoughts our in a sexually aroused state. I also know in all of my serious relationships this topic has been brought up in which my owner wanted me to be more vocal in this area and I just struggle terribly in doing so.

Now I am not a prude nor raised or work where I have any great societal barrier. In fact I think I am almost quite the opposite of that. I prefer tits to breasts, cock to penis and I like being thought of as a cheap slut that is always horny for my Master’s cock. As a nurse I like the mental distinction between breasts, vagina and penis at work to the dirtier names in private. I have no problem speaking them in regular life conversations like “my tits are still quite sore” but to use them in sentences to convey my sexuality to my Master or in the throw of sexual activity I just have a tough time doing so.

Maybe for some reason I think many of the things I would speak out in this area feels like topping from the bottom by giving overt signals in what would be enjoyable to me and thinking it might affect my Master’s decision to do something for just his indulgence which is my number one aphrodisiac. Maybe it is because I am not a dirty talk communicator when sexually aroused and I am just more of a grunter, screamer and one word description type of gal and forcing sentences out then becomes conscious and lowers my enjoyment. Maybe I am selfish therefore because I prefer not to so I can be lost in my arousal.

I hate failing at things. I learned to put on a masturbating sex show and orgasm easily in doing so for my owners pleasure but stringing lust filled dirty little thoughts to go from the brain to words out of my mouth is so hard. I guess practice, practice and more practice might be the way to go.

Two Cent Tips

noreply@blogger.com (Lin) — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 13:55:00 +0000

Cheap random advice and observations from my experiences in real life M/s and from others I have heard and learned from. These mostly have to do with starting out and looking for.

1) Ninety plus percent of the situations and problems you will encounter in this life are the same and to be thought of and resolved the same as any other situations and problems you have encountered in regular life and relationships.

2) If you get dumped/released it is because simply the dominant did not care to be with you anymore. It is not because you broke a rule or two and he was that shallow. That is just his excuse that he thinks will cause the least drama. Now dumped because you consistently did not do things is another story. A pattern of showing an issue with devotion to the dynamic is a very big deal for people who are serious about this life and an exceptional reason to be dumped.

3) If you attempt long distance and the dominant has a decent job but still does not seem to want to come see you or want you to come there, he is either married or this is just a lark. People can scramble money to get their nicotine, caffeine and other extra expenses. To think someone who claims to have a decent paying job cannot scramble up some gas or plan ahead to get a relative cheap airline ticket is not realistic when thought of from the perspective of finding your one or at least some kinky sex.

4) The odds of a person changing significantly are slim to nil. The odds of a person putting on a fake mask when first getting with someone is quite normal to at least a certain degree. If a person changes for the worse after enough time has past the odds are very good they are reverting back to who they are and not some temporary or change that they will change back to the person you first met.

5) No picture in profile fine. No picture after enough communication they are playing you. Whether married, not serious or lied badly about their age/appearance it is a huge ass red flag. Sorry cameras can be borrowed and the job paranoia does not cut it from sending a vanilla picture to and from a regular old email or IM chat. Do you really think they would be interested in you if you never showed your photo in someway?

6) Avoid the drama. One of the biggies of M/s life slaves it is not always about you. Not only avoid making things too much about you but the bigger one do not think slave followed by you as a person in trying to solve something or make some bad situation better. But think about the actual situation and the person(s) being affected and how you can help. For example, because your new Master is stressed out in work please do not stress him out more by making him deal with you stressing about trying to be a better slave to him because he is stressing out from work.

7) People self idealize in cyber. Do not believe all the zealot type descriptions of character and how people describe their lives and decisions. For example, the “I would never leave until my contract was done” is not a person of character communicating how to live this life as a submissive/slave but a self esteem challenged liar or seriously mentally ill. See if the other person abuses them or a child of theirs they stay there because they signed a “contract”. But boy does it sure sounds good when typed out.

8) Good people want to help ease another’s nerves and issues. Bad people want to stoke those fears and issues by promoting all but them to be evil so you run into their arms. Run from those who seem too eager to scare you and pointing fingers at others.

9) A way to a woman’s heart is not endless talk about toys, scenes and your local community activity. It is the equivalent of you talking about sports or how you are the only smart person where you work for an entire date. Men read what females write about and see how little specific toys or scenes are actually discussed by women. Want them to be interested in you write about your motivations, passions and vision of what you want your future relationship to be.

10) Submission only on your terms is not power exchange. When I mean your terms I do not mean overall agreed to boundaries no matter how narrow or wide but only submitting when and what each and every single time. That is called just doing what you want. There is nothing wrong with that but it has nothing to do with a power exchange life as you really are giving up zero control to the dominant who you might want to remember is half of the equation. Using the code word natural makes this sound cooler but all you do is confuse people.

11) Remember like regular relationships people will have happy delusions. Everyone in happy relationships never think they will get divorced, the other might not feel the exact same way or the very common self denial of issues and problems is swept under the rug in their own mind. Power exchange people can be the same way. If one writes their relationship is utopia you are getting the romantic what I wish to project image and not the real image. My Master and I are newlyweds and very happy and in total sync in how we live and want to live. We are also far from perfect, problem free and wishes for some things were different. We still are building trust and learning each other after two and a half years together.

12) The biggest difference in the progression of first meeting to 24/7 power exchange is when you move in together and it then does come closest to 24/7 as it can get. Proclaiming you have found your one and he is perfect is delusional until you are in that final step. We all take leaps of faith in all relationships and that is not what I am pointing out. But if you truly think your risk is not high and you take actions on it without factoring in the risk because the other is sheer perfection. No matter how many hours on the phone, days/months/years you have taken or weekends together, moving in whether long distance or not is a huge step with no guarantees. Do not make decisions that destroy your life if it does not work out. For every I moved across the country to my other and that was ten blissful years ago you will have many more I moved across the country and they are not the person I thought them to be and I am now alone, trapped and do not know what to do. Be smart have the ability to do a third option of I moved it may or may not have worked but if it did not I still did not destroy my life.

Exercising the Actual Power

noreply@blogger.com (Lin) — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 15:08:00 +0000

I am sitting down on this computer one very happy, lustful and loving. Along with being very sore especially my tits that have more black, blue and purple marks then regular color and dried cum from a morning frolic I am hesitant to jump into the shower and wash off. I have spent too much of my time this morning staring at the marks and getting giddy feeling my soreness and how the dried cum feels and was thinking why I love to feel and see these things.

Very common reaction

Now what I have just written is very clichéd as so many of us are like this. But it is also clichéd when taking it to the big picture. We like to feel a part of something. We like to see representation of that something. We wear wedding rings and collars to signify committed relationships between two people. We wear our school colors especially during big events like the NCAA Tournament. People cover themselves in tattoos many being something that is representative like loved ones names or specific interests they are big into.

I think this is why many of us love to see the marks and bruises from our Master’s. It is just a great reminder of who we are, what are relationship dynamic is and our love and devotion to our owner. Wedding rings and collars are great. Spoken words of love and devotion are very cool as well. But something about marks and feeling the soreness that just at least for me is an extra something. I mean I work in an ER and I am lucky to go more then a couple of shifts without seeing bruises on victims from abuse. This one might think would make me despise bruises of all types and yet staring at mine nothing negative ever pops into my head.

Power Baby!

For most 24/7 slaves the power that is exercised over us is thrilling, cool, sexy and probably many other words depending on one’s thoughts. We are not in power exchange relationships because the dynamic makes us sad or bored. We are not in them because we are naturally submissive and therefore obey is just the way. No many of us slaves are in these relationship dynamics because giving over power has many good things associated with it and for many this includes heart pitter patter and lustful thoughts and reactions.

My favorite non power exchange power exchange get it moment in a movie was in GoodFellas and not even direct power exchange. After Henry Hill beats up a guy who was bad to his girlfriend with a gun as his girlfriend looks on. Henry then gives her the bloodied gun to hide. Then through narration the girlfriend goes something like “Most women would have just walked away. I didn’t, the fact is it turned me on”.

To me this scene can be a very good lesson for all dominants that want M/s or Take in Hand relationships. Because to me this scene represents a very hard truth even if it is not directly relatable to an M/s relationship. This scene teaches it is not just the power you claim to have but also using of that power is critically important.

We like the feelings

Whenever I read the preaching of one of the cool factor stereotypes of the Master being the best Master by little he has to do. Because he has trained his slave so well and the slave is always perfectly obedient and anticipating their needs and things like that I often either start laughing at the phoniness of it all or get miffed at someone once again presenting a false image of M/s life and trying to make some mythical end result determine success and greatness.

M/s is an ever ongoing active participation thing for both roles. Owners need to understand it is not just the power you have like it is some aura around you but the power you exercise on an ongoing basis over your slave that makes the relationship work, run smoothly and happily. That this is not just about the physical kinky things that we often talk about or indulge for fun. This is about all the things a Master needs to bring to the table. So whether in a M/s relationship kink indulged or in a Domestic Discipline/Take in Hand type relationship where nothing kinky can be going on that exercising power through strong leadership, control and use of your slave in the agreed upon dynamic in an active way is not only a good things but a much needed thing.

It is why someone like me stares at my marks and it makes my heart pitter patter. It what makes someone like me every time I am reminded of what was done to me from being soar from it gets a little turned on. Because it is not just my Master’s power but that I see, hear, feel, touch and taste it exercised over me.

It makes me happy, relaxed and it turns me on.

Attitude Adjustments

noreply@blogger.com (Lin) — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 18:13:00 +0000

This is one of those very touchy subjects. It is really for only a small minority of us even in the labeled category of slave.

This topic hinges on perspective so I will keep this rather short and personal.

When talking about adjust, discourage or train a slave to only be in certain types of welcomed moods or not letting any “attitude” issues inject into the relationship by some sort of rule that would be punished and in particular punished with physical pain you get into this topic being one that tends to freak people out. Of course like many things in this life in particular things people have not experienced and/or will not do people often tend to be fearful, dismissive and only imagine worse case scenarios.

This is because perspective can be so different. To talk about basically a Master hitting a slave because they do not like their mood or attitude sounds to most just horrible because the only scenarios they think of is some abusive ogre smacking his helpless nonconsensual spouse. But life just has more variety then that.

Perspective

In general toss out people who play these things primarily in their local community. They often cannot think anything other then toys and scenes when it comes to anything that hits on what happens in a public dungeon or taught in a public safety lowest common denominator first situation.

In general toss out anyone that really does not identify as a slave who practices it on a pretty severe level. If one does not buy into one’s Master is the center of the Universe for the most part then they are not going to understand the concept of a slave willing to try to get their mood altered or trained to not be something.

In general toss out self obsessed people who suffer from serious illnesses like depression and Bipolar. They are unable to distinguish that other people have the ability to distinguish the difference between something serious that they have, something that cannot be adjusted or something that can. They can only zone in on when they go into their depressed state that is serious and cannot be helped by this.

In general toss out the drama queens who take everything that happens to them in life and over analyses it. People who question everything done in their relationship like it is life or death this is too dangerous of a thing for them to talk about let alone actually do.

Scientific Experiment

Personally I know for myself and other that instant physical punishment to help us deal with a attitude or mood issue is a good thing we welcome having our Master having some control or ability to try to deal with. Many will stress in no uncertain terms that anytime an owner punishes for a mood that is abuse. But I find that safety police nonsense and coming from a small mind or just someone that lacks the ability to see things from other personalities and experiences.

So I propose, because I do know this is true, a research project. Go to an active message board on power exchange life and search for two topics. One topic of this thing specifically and see all the safety police and the public players cry abuse and dangerous. See many claim this is idiotic and cannot be done.

Then search for threads that talk about doing things exactly similar but based on the slave requesting it. In other words all the submissives who ask for some sort of discipline session because they are not feeling quite right or would like to snap out of a mood they do not like. See many of the very same people claim do not ever do in the former threads go this can work and we do it often in these types threads.

What is the difference? Nothing really when knowing that in long term healthy and loving relationships your spouse is going to know you so well to know when a mood or attitude can be adjusted and when it just has to be played out but that does not work in the public forums that this life is talked mostly about.

My Experiences

For me I find getting punished physically right away for mood and attitude non slave like to be a good thing that I actively desire in my relationship. Quite simply and shocking to some I like a good face slap or knee buckling nipple squeeze when my Master takes exception to something in this area and thinks it can be corrected by doing these things to me.

My personality, life and M/s relationship this has a strong place for it to be beneficial to me. I love being a slave and being slave like in terms of loving, lustful and happy to be in the presence of my Master when I am. I work twelve hour night shifts most of the time several in a row. I work in an ER where bad stuff often happens. All of this tends to get me way off kilter in terms of energy levels and moods which does impact my ability to focus and be where I like and can be. There are just times that the best thing for me is a solid slap to my face to get my focus back where I want it let alone my Master.

In our relationship we take the dynamic and devotion to it very seriously. It is as big a part of the relationship as any part. Because of this we do not keep score or dwell on the non perfect or screw up times. It is one of the big reasons I am such a proponent for M/s relationships to have an agreed upon and practiced punishment component. In any type of punishment component the it is a benefit to needs to be a yes in some way and a punishment that does nothing or causes bigger problems and issues is of course bad.

Again for me personally, to get my mood or attitude pointed out as being less then desired or what both of us want in the relationship and punished by hours or days later some type of punishment is quite ridiculous and ineffective. But a quick pain punishment gets the behavior fixed the most productive way for me and we move on.

It is never apples to apples

Something like this is probably not for many. It does not make one special because it is in their relationship and it does not make it abusive and dangerous because it will never be in your healthy and loving relationship.

There are many types of dynamics, personality types, bad life experiences and mental and physical health issues that a Master administering physical punishment to adjust mood and attitude will not work and could be very dangerous. But remember for some of us in long term healthy and loving relationships where trust and love is not questioned by either party if this aspect works for the two then the dangers are not as great. Still be careful and communicate absolutely.

Sometimes my Master hits me and I simply go sorry for my current behavior but that did not or will not help at this time. I am a slave in a total power exchange relationship that I am in love with my Master and in ecstasy of our relationship dynamic and his devotion to it. In it he is a sadist that for enjoyment gives me pain nearly everyday that people in this life get gushy in thinking, talking and doing it. I am not a vanilla chick masquerading my role. Even a not so cool pain that did not work or Master did not read me right is not something to panic or dwell on.

Long term means remembering all the actions and not just the last one.

Naturally Doomed

noreply@blogger.com (Lin) — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 17:33:00 +0000

In the last two post I have briefly mentioned the magical term many who chest thump this life that I personally find to be extremely misleading and that term is natural.

It is the ultimate cool factor word in the power exchange life. I mean does it not sound cool to say “I am natural” followed by anything you state. It is almost always followed by the “I do not need” and goes on to list some thing(s) that many people do in this life. It is a passive aggressive claim of believing one is superior or a puff up ego shout of please do not look too closely at my relationship in what it is from what I say it is.

But no amount of actual “naturalness” can be enough if one wants a significant power exchange relationship. Let me stress the word significant to separate from any. Certain none that fall under the level Master/slave on the level most define it.

You do have to have some natural

Oh my, contradict myself practically at the beginning. The natural though I am referring to is the starting point. Where the starting point is can be or maybe stronger is critical to how a person can be in this life. But it is just a starting point and it is never the finishing line.

To be in an M/s relationship a dominant certainly has to have certain things in certain levels in order to lead and dominate the relationship that fuels and satisfy them instead of burden and drains them. I will for brevity and because few can agree will not go into detail but let me write a decent level of leadership skills, want active control and being decisive. Every slave needs on some level to enjoy doing things for the one(s) they care about on a significant level. I mean if one is selfish and inconsiderate then slave is not the role for you.

The point natural does not cut it

We are all natural when it is easy and on our own terms. But M/s TPE does not work that way because as humans and with lives that are just a tad more complex. Every spouse on the planet believes they put their other above themselves for the most part, does not make everyone a natural submissive. Everyone believes they know what is best for their other or for both together for the most part but that does not make everyone a natural dominant.

Let me use my favorite example of what a slave is to wear. Most in a relationship this is a give and go thing. One spouse expresses or shows over time preferences in how they like the other to dress. For many, especially women, we often factor this in even to the point of it being the biggest factor. But we do not always defer to this choice. People usually only do it if they are ok with it and feel like it. So a regular wife knows her husband likes her to wear a nice summer dress over shorts for example. She may wear a dress most days but some days she really feels like wearing shorts and does so without thought. It is the natural points like that M/s couples have to overcome. Now most might think what is the big deal about something like this happening in a “natural” power exchange relationship? The point is when there is nothing from stopping one from doing what they want in the first place then as humans we do not always default to our naturally submissive side we send out messages to our other that do not equate the dynamic we have agreed to.

Same thing with a dominant playing natural dominant which your slave basically lives a day to day existence of not knowing when they do something is going to be wrong because their natural dominant confuses being able to express a preference or want their way in a disagreement about something to go their way. It is just simply more natural for us to not care or blow something off.

It just is not natural

It is not natural for a female slave to always wear her hair the way her Master prefers if it is always one way and length but we do it anyway. It is not natural to always cook a decent meal for our Master. It is easy when tired or hurried to default to normal and take the easy way out or hint/request severely that our guy takes us out in that case. But that is not up to a slave. It is not natural to put our others needs and desires most of the time so far above our own that we do not even think about it.

It is not natural to be able to and certainly always be able to not take the current desire in the moment of your slave and disregard it for reasons that are selfish when one is the dominant. It is not natural for a dominant to make most of the decisions. It is not natural to have a preference and make it a rule knowing that there will be times your slave that you love will find that difficult.

Living this naturally is not going to get you M/s 24/7 significant power exchange

Our lives despite our relationship dynamic are filled with mostly the regular world and us being Mr. and Mrs. Joe Normal. Most of us were raised not to follow or lead in such strict ways and certainly all of us have had plenty of time being single where we had only our stuff to care and deal with. We default to these things when we try just to live our lives and will create a horrendous atmosphere and woeful inconsistency within the dynamic if a couple truly try M/s the “natural” way.

Why most M/s relationships have some rules, rituals, strict adherences to preferences is so that the mindset and atmosphere makes it easier and more enjoyable to go to the tougher and stricter level of domination and obedience. For many of us punishment is an important aspect as not to point out our human failures but to help us motivate ourselves when the always going to be their times we start processing in our normal brain way. We have all these unnatural things in our lives so we can keep two brains on the same page with consistent thoughts and actions and not just hoping.

Live the life for yourself and not others

So forget the cool factor of the more natural we live it the better Master or slave we are. Forget the people that promote cool theories that if you do not match up make you lesser in their eyes, they are idiots lying.

Realize to be in a successful Master/slave relationship means there is no easy middle ground. There are things that will not be natural or things that are normally natural at times will not be. The unnatural things we have set up and practice in these relationships are there to help us and smooth over the rough spots. They are good for relationships and not a strike against your coolness.

If one wants just natural that is great, no problems on my end, but do not expect 24/7 TPE or anything close because that is just not natural.

Expectations

noreply@blogger.com (Lin) — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 16:41:00 +0000

A woman wrote me about something they were very excited to try that she had gotten from something I wrote, nothing original mind you. What she wrote after getting her Master to try it was what is often a common problem we have as slaves, especially starting out and that is managing our expectations of how things are going to go or suppose to be.

Let me write about expectations of a slave in two areas in scenes and in general.

Scenes

We want magic and we want it without much thought and effort. But often magic does not come or at least comes the first time you experience something. It is quite common to here things like “It did not go like I had imagined” or “We have tried this but I did not really like it. Am I submissive like I thought?”

Often our expectations are out of whack from reality for various reasons.

Taking what we read and here from other people and wanting to feel that way so we transfer what they say they do to us and expect instant same feelings. The facts are there are often three ways to get pleasure from scenes. You have a thing for what is being done like a masochist enjoys their ass getting whipped. You have a thing for power exercised over you so that what does it for you when your other does things that are intense. Or you feed off pleasing your other and seeing them takes pleasure in your suffering.

Being submissive does not mean being a masochist and getting off or instant sub space when pain is inflicted on us. What works for us or what does not work for us is on an individual by individual basis.

Lose the desire and expectation of the fairytale. Think of scenes like you would think of sex. Being stressed out and worried because of the unknown of what is to be done or the other person generally leads to crappy sex. Most great sex is when we are relaxed and comfortable and have a clue of what is going to happen. This can go for many people with scenes as well. It takes time and trust for both people to get to the place and for helping the other get to the place they want. It can and often is a process to get comfortable and relaxed when doing these things with another person regardless of one’s experience on the other end. All the dreams, stories you heard and masturbating sessions of how something went in your mind will very rarely get replayed the first time you do something. Hopefully it might get close or at least show strong signs of it will get there but often think of first times as practice.

Fairytale expectations compared to real life are an exercise in disappointment and confusion.

Sometimes we just have to be there for them. If something just does not do it for you no matter the times and comfort level then it might just not do it for you. If you are n a M/s or some other loving type relationships then sometimes we might have to decide to be there just for them and suffer for love. That in itself can be a very nice feeling and returned to you by your other in appreciation in other areas of your life.

Expectations of the life of a 24/7 slave

“We expanded into 24/7 but nothing seems different.” or “My Master stopped doing anything.”

These and the variation to these are the two most common problems submissives ask for advice on when coming to message boards. They also get two flippant and taken on face value idiotic pieces of advice. “Dump him he is a fake Master.” or “You as the slave need to try to be a lot more submissive and proactive in serving.” The problem why I hate the answers given like they are is because there is some to significant truth in them but not totally or automatic.

People often enter 24/7 relationships two ways that tend to skew expectations.

1) From first being a bedroom submissive. Expectations get skewed because let us face it whenever we are doing bedroom submissive stuff it is usually exciting and intense. But this also can really be a problem if one thinks that the feelings and submissive levels achieved with such intensity and exciting things can be kept up 24/7 with regular life and more mundane things. The fact is they cannot be.

2) From an established relationship whether long term or short term with the original goal to become Master/slave. I read a great line on a message board about the nothing happen when we went comment. The person wrote that forget the delusion of “naturally” being dominant or submissive that people’s default is vanilla. That just talking about going 24/7 M/s or agreeing on and signing a contract does not make the relationship change automatically.

The truth is that an M/s relationships can and often fail because one or both just do not have it in them to do it. There are dominants wanting an obedient spouse who likes kinky sex but has no ability or desire to lead and dominate like a slave needs. Or a sub wanted a take charge alpha spouse but thought they would just naturally do things they would do anyway or make them feel like doing things magically/wishful thinking. So the dump them comment if wanting an M/s relationship can often be the right answer.

The truth is that how both people focus, communicate and give effort on there end when in a power exchange relationship is critical and exponentially so when starting one up. We must be honest and accept we default to vanilla. So both roles must put effort into the relationship. Regular life we cannot affect greatly what that can do to us in a M/s relationship but feedback and atmosphere coming from our other carries tremendous weight. If both people are not proactive in their role and expect just the other to be fine in theirs is basically disaster waiting to happen.

Conclusion

There is nothing wrong with expectations as long as we keep them realistic both in scope and realizing many things take time and effort. But we must also be prepared that not every expectation in this life will come true or to the degree we thought. Expectations get satisfied with effort and understanding of how to achieve them. Most things in power exchange relationships this means constant communication, time for both to relax and trust each other and doing our end to create the atmosphere we are going after that will help greatly both people.

Random Opinions

noreply@blogger.com (Lin) — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 18:08:00 +0000

The following are just some opinions that have more edge to them then I normally write. I normally try to write in a non judgmental way but these areas I do have stronger opinions and did not want to filter them.

Biggest do not get it for dominants when it comes to the punishment part of relationships is having it in the relationship and actually doing it shows your submissive you give a damn about the dynamic and the relationship. We submissives when serving on that level need and enjoy knowing that our submission is actually important to you and not just window dressing.

When people use the term natural in describing themselves or their relationship style whether dominant or submissive it is either as a cop out, ego boost and often both.

There is some irony to how to me what two different disciplines of power exchange are promoted. In M/s people spend most of their time talking about the kinky things and sex while often deflecting the effort, need to embrace and responsibility for both parties in the actual power being exchanged. Take in Hand people are far more open and discussing those things but like to distance themselves that a woman submitting to a man goes deep in the sexual area and things like a spanking are more then what they are talked about.

I also do not think that in my observation over time that many more women who embrace Take in Hand relationships often have trouble finding a man to embrace it or often look for how they can get their husband to live like this. While often it is the men in M/s that seem to always looking for a slave. I think there is a connection personally as many M/s men do not get what the Take in Hand men do.

I admire the openness of the Take in Hand people in how they are open about the submission of the woman from both genders. While I do not care that too many confuse this with man is strong and wise and woman is weak and vulnerable, I do admire the dialog and tend to read about them far more then M/s couples because of this who often only talk about it in a mythical fairytale setting.

Men spend way too little time thinking things through and especially about the why of things. Women spend way too much time thinking about those things. This is especially true in power exchange relationships type stuff.

It troubles me how society seems to be getting more and more Narcissistic. The whole pattern of having conversations via the telephone to Emails to IM to texting and now the latest Twitter to me reeks of I do not want my time wasted by friends and family. At my convenience I will communicate with you but I do not really want to know anything truly important in case it makes me feel guilty for not being there for them mentally.

Here is the deal in quick form about the attraction to bad boys as compared to often indifference to nice guys that many males do not get. It has nothing to do with a woman wanting to be treated like crap but a woman wanting not having to deal with passive aggressive men and feel like we are always playing mom to them. Bad boys tend to be way more direct in their communication and actions. They tend to take what they want and not do something in hopes it will get them what they want unlike many nice boys. They also often do not need to be made to feel they are awesome unlike many nice boys. When women play with bad boys they are simply self medicating from having to deal with too many nice boys who drain them with their issues.

Biggest difference between good sex and bad sex to a woman to me boils down to in good sex a man fucks his woman and in bad sex the man performs for his woman. Getting truly fucked often means we also feel the lust, love and attraction our other has for us and also lets us be free from having to think too much and just enjoy the ride. Performers block us from feeling what we want to feel and we have to spend too much effort mentally in the whole process to relax and let go. This is why orgasms are not the only thing to keep score with. I guarantee one fast quick lust filled I just have to fuck you wham bam too fast to orgasm for a woman will always be more well received after the fact then some guy whose every action and constant questioning of is this good who makes us orgasm once or twice but afterwards we feel nothing.

The biggest problem in communicating about power exchange relationships is the confusion and lack of point out the elephant in the room of the differences in range when things are discussed. Everyone has an opinion but they come from different perspectives. A bedroom only submissive has as much insight on punishment in an M/s relationship as they do on brain surgery if they are an art teacher. But that does not stop them from sharing an opinion or misleading others about their dynamic when they weigh in on the subject.

Reminds me of the obvious difference that few want to admit to, there is a huge difference between people who primary or only experience is top/bottom activity within their local community dungeons and private parties and people who play within a long term loving relationship when it comes to the kinks. For people this is basically only local community whether by choice or necessity things like safety and negotiation are critical to express and promote you do. In loving long term relationships these concepts are just a given. So when the local community safety police speak up whenever people like me communicate things without chest thumping safety they think they are being wise but they just expose themselves to what they are, no relationship experienced wannabes.

I will say this to I am blue in the face local communities have a very limited service. You can be active as part of your social life or you can use them to guide/learn and find your other to have a personal life. I recommend everyone new to try to search out your local community and try it but I also recommend that if you truly do want a power exchange relationship not to take a lot of what is said and seen in them as gospel. They can be good exposure and good for learning physical facts and basic safety stuff but they are also horrible at confusing people. Kinky things are both directly and indirectly often thought as mutual fun things and in power exchange relationship the kinky things are often that and so much more with that more being vitally important. If you want a power exchange relationship do not make your local community your social life and avoid both the dominants and submissives that have made it theirs. That includes you! Realize learning to play in a scene, negotiate and learn various toys has nothing to do with pursuing another and learning and living in a power exchange relationship.

At least 90% of affairs are not caused because the cheating spouse just needs excitement of a different sexual conquest and has a character defect that will always make them cheat. 90% of affairs are because the cheating spouse is not getting their needs met from their other and especially so in terms of sex and feeling sexually desirable. So if you do not want to ever worry about spouse cheating for the most part keep them well fucked on their terms, not yours, and make sure you not just say but show them how much they do it for you in bed.

Most women will only respect a man who will stand up to them. The reason is fairly basic. We will fall for, submit to, love and therefore become vulnerable to a man we feel can protect us and make us feel secure. What men do not get it is not safe from them but safe from the world so we can let our guard down. A man that we can walk over we will wonder who else will walk over him and how is he going to protect us we will not respect. While this maybe done subconsciously so most women can deny this, if you look closely it is always there. A woman leaves a man who stands up to us but treats us like crap. A woman walks all over a man who does not stand up to her until he leaves her. A woman cherishes and tries her hardest to hold a man who stands up to us but still treats us with love and priority.

Cock Worship

noreply@blogger.com (Lin) — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 21:02:00 +0000

Well if there is one thing our group can do is make everything we do sound quite pretenscious. My mind on one hand think this is just another in a long line of making up something that a male dominant likes done into some righteous act. On the other hand a cock slut with an oral fixation who loves all the sensations a cock and balls can bring when I am down there for as long as I can it has to be called something.

What is cock worship?

Quite simply it is way more then just a blow job. It is paying attention in a very admirable way a man’s cock, balls and even ass to many. It is not about getting the Master’s cock hard and eventually an orgasm although that usually happens but to literally taste, smell, caress, lick, suck, look at admirably and touch in a way to show or love, respect and lust for something that not only gives us such pleasure but is clearly so important to our man.

Why do men like this?

Well the quick answer is why would they not. But that makes for not a blog entry. So lets us “blow off” the perhaps main reason in our heads of pure sexual arousal and focus on some of the psychological aspects.

Let us go back in time to let us say forever. Why do men love oral sex so much? My answer lies in the age old cliché and general practice of…

Fuck the slut and marry the virgin

But come on Lin, is not what most male dominants want is their woman to be a slut and enjoy putting out when and how they want it? The answer is a big yes but most men want their woman to lust for them and their specific cock and not just lust after sex and any cock. Sure there is an aspect of the good girl for public appearance and raising children but they still want the good girl to be a slut for them. So I never buy into those two things being the drive for most men not to go after sluts.

No most men avoid sluts out of insecurity and ego issues. They and certainly this is going to be subconscious but I read and hear this constantly of the idiotic thought of two things. If a woman loves any cock why would she be faithful and the best fuck of her life will always win her heart.

We see this time and time again in society. How many of us know women who fucked anything that had a cock but as soon as they wanted to settle down re-invented themselves into Miss Conservative to the point of bashing other women that could not keep up with them sexually? It happens constantly. Why? Because that is what the serious in settling down male goes hunting after. This is also very much the case for most men in the power exchange life.

Then why is cock worship a big thing?

We can spend the rest of our lives uttering the words “I love you” and “I love our sex life” and they just will only get us so far. If we do not have actions that back this up through our others eye’s the word not only becomes meaningless but they can often feel manipulative and cutting.

A good old blow job where nothing is to be reciprocated is one of the most if not the biggest standard “I love you” things we women can do for our man. Let us face it an orgasm is what men like. Hell we like then as well so let us stop being politically correct. Oral sex the right way can simply be a crystal clear message of how much we care and want the other to be very happy!

Probably most reading this from either gender have known the difference in oral sex because the person just wants to pleasure the other and oral sex because they only think the other expects it or it is some form of barter. So whether the person just wants the other to think they are good in bed, get a favor from the other, you did or will do me if I now do you and things like this. The no strings blow job is a declaration of love and cock worship is taking it to another level.

Cock worshipping is attaching your sluthood to your other. It is declaring your lust for them sexually by pointing out their cock and balls to be gloriously enjoyable for you to interact with. It is a strong statement of I am a complete slut for you and not what any old hard cock can do to my pussy.

Atmosphere wins again

Men and especially men that love us are just like us in many ways. One of them is the more they know we enjoy something the more they will feel confident and free to indulge in it. Cock worshipping can give great confidence for a Master to know that it is ok for him to indulge in his favorite thing. That we are not only ok in it but we want you to. There just is nothing wrong with creating an atmosphere in your relationship where sexual activity is considered welcomed. Where a man can be confident in being sexual with his woman and that she indeed is a slut for his cock and this also includes power exchange ones. It is practice and not words that creates the atmosphere we want in our relationship.

Cock worship may indeed sound quite pretentious but so what; you will not hear this from some cock loving slut like me. Now when will my Master be home…

Guilt by Example

noreply@blogger.com (Lin) — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 20:32:00 +0000

I get asked occasionally in cyber and use to get asked constantly in my days active in various local communities if my identifying as a slave and outward behavior do I ever feel guilty that I can represent the false stereotype of Asian women are submissive. My always quick answer is a firm no and a roll of my eyes. Why should I be condemn to live a life and behave in a way because of the idiots in the world who have simplified my race and gender to a false stereotype or to certain fellow Asians who seem too obsessed in making the sure the world thinks exactly like they do. Simply no thank you, I embrace who I am and even behaviors I have that are Eastern cultured based that can be subject to an idiots interpretation.

I often try to avoid talk about racism for a couple of reasons. First as an Asian woman I perhaps have the lowest hurdle as a minority which is still not to write it has or will not happen in terms of racism and stereotypes because it has and does. I know compared to Asian men and African-Americans I have it quite easy. Second whenever discussing racism as a large topic in general one has to factor a common scope that is almost impossible to agree on. What I mean by scope how people often define something being racist rather then something just being ignorant or stupid can always be different.

For example, if I go to eat at a good restaurant and I ask the waiter what are the side dishes the odds are good that rice will either get mentioned first and probably no later then second. Is that racist? To some that would be but to me it is just lame ignorance and the waiter just trying to be in some combination lazy/efficient. Why, is because the waiter will do this to everyone not just the Asian. The waiter will inevitably with the same question say mixed vegetables to the thin Caucasian woman. The waiter will inevitably start with French fries and types of baked potatoes to an overweight person. So a person that sees race in everything will just focus on their slight or a person who down plays everything just thinks it is a case of a waiter guessing without judgment.

Now for a more direct example in terms of what I have been writing about. Back in college I lived only forty-five minutes away from my parents. This meant I was not excused from many social functions which they enjoy throwing. This also meant getting dressed up and for my Mom that was non negotiable in traditional Taiwanese style which I would do before leaving my dorm. One day after such an event a couple of floor mates who were of Asian ethnicity came into my room to discuss in what I would call somewhat in a intervention way my dressing this way. They wanted to inform me that it was embarrassing and demeaning to them. I hope needless to write this came as quite a shock to me.

As the conversation went on I learned that a boyfriend of one of them saw me dressed that way and wonder if they had some similar outfits and some other people did make some inappropriate comments in our dorm from seeing me dressed that particular way. They “communicated” to me that as an American I had the right to wear what I want and if I “could not” do that I could dress once I got to my home. I “communicated” to them that I been in America for over a decade, was a citizen just like them and that maybe they could tell by my lack of any accent. Plus I would dress how I damn well wanted to which I was very proud of my culture to dress in a more traditional way. So in this example we have ugliness from a couple of sources the people making comments to the women and the women to me. This is not uncommon from my experiences of being mixed cultured. I have also many experiences of the opposite of not being “Asian” enough as well.

The morals of this blog entry, when you cannot win it can be quite easy not having to try then and ignorance invades all races.

Asian Females are Submissive – Redux

noreply@blogger.com (Lin) — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 00:03:00 +0000

My least favorite writing was on this very subject last March. I rambled and it was an overall mess. I want to try again.

The stereotype of Asian women being submissive and in general oppressed in the culture is based on non consistent observations and failure to understand the difference in cultures by how they have developed through time and from the differences in the spirituality/religion that is in any cultures foundation no matter what an individual practices.

First here is the actual fact of the matter, Asian women are not remotely naturally submissive and while culture can make complete freedom of choice not a reality by no means that Asian women are oppressed and miserable for it. In fact comparing an Asian women to a Western women life and freedoms you will see immensely most things very similar then different.

Why does this myth get perpetuated so much?

1) People observe limited things and make grandiose judgments.

Someone goes over to an Asian country for a limited time and only observes public behavior. So they see the women doing what looks like submissive things like walk behind their men, wait on them and in general very respectful. They make the erroneous assumption they are like this 24/7. This is wrong and one not just read a definition but truly understands the concept of face (respect) to all Asian people not just men or top business people.

Now to truly get face one could write a novel and still may scratch the surface of it but for the sake of simplicity it is about respecting others in public behaviors and actions. No Asian wants to be disrespected in public. It is truly a huge thing. The problem when discussing face is it is based on Eastern thoughts and terms and not Western. Couples are not going to bad mouth or any other action to show anything but harmony for each other in a public setting. But put them in private and all bets are off. But Asians are way more private then Westerners so to see this side of them is rare even if you spend time with them. For example a private chat between two friends at home a wife can bash her man for three straight hours but with those same friends at some public party not a word. By the way, this goes for the men too. Are there exceptions, of course, but that is more about gray areas and people’s character and not about submissiveness and oppression.

The other part Westerners fail to see is that Eastern culture has a hierarchal bent to it and is quite formalized. So see a women walking behind her man and think submissive is lame because you will see the President of a large corporation walk behind and get the door for the CEO of that company. It crosses gender.

2) We in the power exchange community are idiots about assigning everyday tasks as dominant or submissive.

Cooking a meal does not make one submissive. It just means a person is cooking a meal. Not working or taking a job below ones qualifications in order to take care of the children is not submissive by the act itself. In fact most Western women make this exact same decision and often have to argue with their husband to do this. Hardly submissive! Making a decision or expressing an opinion is not a dominant gesture or a sign of strength just because.

But for some reason if a stranger does these things and especially if we have a language barrier then all of a sudden we imagine a power exchange dynamic to it. It is simply asinine.

3) Asians raised/lived all or mostly in Western culture often help give fuel to this myth.

Sounds racist or turncoat I know but it sadly very truthful in my experiences. I consider myself at times a person without a culture because I believe and live many aspects of both cultures and do not identify mainly with just one. I spent so much time in my informative years in both and taught by my parents to respect both. I remember going to college at a school that has a large Asian student body thinking that would be really helpful and found just the opposite. I found many Asian Americans that grew up entirely in the western culture trash their own race and Eastern culture which they were quite clueless about as most young adults who choose to trash the repressive elders called parents and grandparents.

The problem is they feel the affects of racism and idiotic stereotypes as much as people like me do so their views have to be respected but that also gives them an unfortunate free pass and assumption of knowing Eastern culture that I have found to be sorely lacking when it comes to the relationship dynamics of men and women. Quite simply they often are the biggest promoters of the whole Asian females in Eastern culture are submissive or oppressed.

Differences even slight ones can freak out people that they will unfairly judge different as being bad in some way. This transcends races or gender.

If most Asian women are not all either submissive or oppressed then why are so many ok being in a more traditional role marriage?

It has to do with the difference between Western and Eastern spirituality.

Western spirituality is individualistic. It is about accomplishment of being someone. It is about moral statements of how we and things should be. Eastern spirituality is more about group interaction. It is about learning and understanding how things actually are and how they interact with one another. It is about responsibility to the group over one self.

So how is this expressed in many relationships?

In Western culture you get everything often based on an individual thought process. You get the preaching of a women can have it all, a great career, husband and children. But very little teaching of how that interacts with the husband and children as individuals and not mythical objects. Very little teaching of how to get things or the effort/sacrifice to get some but cannot really all have. Just be this and it should be this way type thoughts.

In Eastern culture you are taught to see things for how they are and interact (Yin/Yang) including men, women and relationships. You can learn to be loved and cherished requires you to love and cherish as well and especially not as a condition to. You will learn to love and cherish your family often means not being able to love and cherish some awesome trendsetting career.

How does reality between the two play out?

Certainly they are more similar then different as there are plenty of wonderful loving and satisfying relationships and plenty of bad relationships in both cultures. The difference though often comes to awareness of what it takes. In Western relationships people can be too prone to bristle and rebel when the dichotomy of what we think life should be like and what life is actually like and especially when we filer other human beings we interact with in relationships. This can lead to the resentment or maybe a milder way to put it frustration of balancing false expectations and reality. Eastern relationships have the same things but have been taught to see the connections, dependencies and limitations of things. Does not mean they are any happier because of it but they understand and accept them better.

Let me be very blunt and discard the exceptions to the rule and focus on the majority, a woman who will marry and have children. Both cultures this will mean the woman will either stop working, take a part time job or limit a full time career path. Most women will be the prime caretaker of the children. Most will do at least the majority of the domestic chores. What they will also have in common is that 99% of them never thought or communicated something like “I wanted my husband to play Mr. Mom and quit his job or cut back severely while I worked long hours, nights, weekends and traveled for mine.” Sorry oppression is simply not a valid argument in my eyes.

For many Western women this example still they bristle with what ifs, hate to do stuff and compartmentalize their love of their children separate from the sacrifice of other things it took. For many Eastern women they accept and embrace their main desire of taking care of their children and what that all entails by seeing how it is all connected. Do some wish they could see how far they could have gotten in a career, of course. Do some or many dislike chores, of course. But they accept it is part of their life and simply see no benefit complaining about it or wishing all hassles away.

This thought process is in their relationship between man and wife as well. Want a loving relationship and for the other to love and take care of you in the way you want to be in a realistic fashion? Then what do I have to do so the other feels loved and taken care of in a realistic fashion? Western focuses on themselves and judges things right or wrong like it is a campaign far too often. Eastern it is simply more accepted to be ok with the differences between men and women.

So often when you see an Asian woman fussing, spoiling and even looking submissive to their other it has nothing to do with being submissive or oppressed. It is simply because they know these actions are their contribution to showing their love and devotion to their other and this will in return in equal effort and appreciation the man doing things that show how love and devotion toward their other on their terms. In all honesty in some ways far more manipulative then submissive! Again to point out divorce rates are not any different in either cultures. Incompatibility and selfish people know no culture influence as a cause.

Conclusion

Looking at brief glances of public behavior that seems more different then actuality because of the setting and maybe language differences does not mean Asian women are submissive. Seeing maybe by a percentage more Asian women accepting of traditional roles including spoiling her man is not as submissive but more understanding how things are connected in life between people and what can be controlled and not.

Think one can find any Asian woman to be their submissive or automatically embrace a traditional role because that is just how they are and that translates directly to Western traditional role is quite ignorant.

Amendment

I wanted to talk about oppression in Eastern society a little. Is there oppression, yes there are things that even in the modern world many/most/I find troubling. You will still find in poor rural areas still some arranged marriages then marriages out of love. You will still see too many trapped in bad marriages because they have no realistic option in order to survive. Eastern culture does have a hierarchal bent toward it and this can lead to selfish decisions in a relationship that most of us would not respect.

But all of these things are the minority. People in very rural America who also would not consider moving to a big city have limited options as well, not the same of course but both are not necessarily under gun point to be in their situation as well.

The real most oppressive thing going on that affects the majority of Eastern countries to this day and that it is still common to base jobs with gender. So for example a male nurse I doubt you would see very many if at all in many countries but you will also see few if any female doctors. It has gotten better in many countries to the point of actually a lot better. But it is still a big problem on the whole.

But when most write about oppression they write about the trapped traditional wife who could not work and therefore leave her bad husband. This is just fiction. As I wrote above divorce rates are just as high in Asian countries as Western countries. Women do work and just like Western women are more prone to voluntarily give up working or a career by their choice then be pressured by their husbands.

Happy and loving couples tend to transcend culture and tend to care about the other being happy more then they care about being happy. Bad relationships look the same way in both cultures as well lots of bickering or no talking and passive aggressive behaviors. Bad and selfish people are also in both cultures as well.

Asian Women Submissive-Bonus Material

noreply@blogger.com (Lin) — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 20:41:00 +0000

Whenever I communicate about this myth I often get many responses from people who have spent time in Asian countries or Asians themselves and often point out obvious stuff that is more of the “No way in hell are they either submissive or anything like you say either” type comments. This and in preparing to post this I did some research of what is written in this are on the Internet I want to clarify or expand on some things that I wrote or gets often communicated to me. These are not meant purely debunking a myth but Asian women behavior in general.

1) My discussion is based on the myth more how it relates to submissive through the eyes of someone into power exchange relationships and not submissive in terms of how I regular relationship person might think of it. Sacrifice and deferring to another on your own terms in the when and why does not mean submissive to me. Just because a woman may fuss over their man does not make that submissive.

2) Most men who try to date Asian women are usually going to be seeing young adult females late teens early to mid twenties. Most are meeting these women in very social settings like bars. Asians are no different in their maturity process then anyone else. You are looking at ground zero of an age and type that is not the average Asian mature women but women enjoying being young and exploring life. Another huge ass myth not all Asian women crave to live away from their family in America or other Western well off countries.

3) When I write about an Asian woman understands and can fuss over and spoil their man as part of how to express love and devotion it is not a given or is it remotely no strings attached. It comes with huge ass strings. This concept needs to be taken with the concept of Yin/Yang in living in harmony. An Asian women might fuss and spoil over their man out of love and devotion but that is going to be contingent they get love and devotion back on their terms from the man. If those things do not happen all bets are off. This is also more about actual love then just designation of a boyfriend. To be on a couple of great dates or what she believes is more of a fling would never get this behavior. If she does not get back what she gives that puts the relationship out of harmony and look out!

4) “My girlfriend bitched at me constantly” or “I know a couple of Asian men real well and all they do is complain what bitches their wives are”. See number three about harmony in a relationship. For more normal terms see compatibility and needs/desires not getting satisfied. If one thinks these were or at least you thought you were doing the normal things one must realize what is normal and expected for a Westerner can be quite different then for an Easterner.

For example, your fling girlfriend might not know it was a fling or even if it was not a fling did you not take meeting and interacting with her family seriously. Did you blow off or infer that spending time with her family sucked. Did you stop taking her out on nights and places she normally is accustomed in going to going out? These are just a couple of examples of what Westerners might think no big deal but can be huge ass deals and make a relationship not be in harmony.

5) As written in #3 and #4 specific expectations are expected in return. My quick summary of the difference in cultures is that they are basically the same but everything is just more extreme and serious in the Eastern ways compared to Western ways. An Asian woman has expectations and obligations their man is suppose to take care of. These can be of the usual noble ones described by all but they can be also what many can find shallow but they are still to be taken very seriously. If you date someone from another culture no matter how open they are to yours they still often see things and expect things based on their values and culture. Most Western men fail in this area by not knowing what these are and often not liking how some are consider politically incorrect even if they are the same in the Western world. Just because you do not like it or it gets played down does not mean it is not extremely important.

The last two are responses for the many men that spend some time/more then a vacation in an Asian country but come back with often negative views about the country and the women.

6) Many that stay for awhile never bother to learn and follow the local customs and fail to learn even some basic phrases of the local language. Many of these people then complain about how rude everyone is to them including the women. Think of it this way, a friend comes and stays at your house for a weekend. You treat them like a guest and go out of your way to accommodate them without expecting them to contribute in some way. But what if a friend comes and stays with you for like six months. We expect them to pitch in their fair share of the household chores and living expenses. Many who go over to a foreign country hang out in Western friendly bars and with other Westerners and fail to learn let alone follow any of the local culture. Soon you become to the foreigners who you interact with on a consistent basis the friend who has stayed at the house for six months and still expects to be treated as a welcomed guest. You will simply get a different behavior toward your inconsideration toward them combined from your initial impression when they put their best foot forward and it will in fact be quite a drop in the way they treat you. You would do the same thing if someone did that to you.

7) Foreign women are not naïve. They know men from different countries are still men and most looking for company/sex for just their time in the country. Those who are into that just might not be the best sample of a typical Asian woman that hang out in Western friendly bars or gravitate in general to a Western man. A Western woman who spends her time in bars multiple time a week and other “hip” social events you pretty much know is going to expect a boyfriend of their to keep them entertained in this fashion. We also know that whether a phase or just who they are they are not expected to get married, pop out a child and live a complete domestic type life anytime soon. Do not expect an Eastern woman to be any different if she loves these things as well. Do not judge the people by one small sub set.

Why I took my blog down

noreply@blogger.com (Lin) — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 19:43:00 +0000

I was ordered to and rightfully so by my Master to stop writing on it. I had a lot on my plate and put too much pressure on myself to post things that the reason for writing in the first place was no longer present. I made it blocked from anyone reading because I did not want to be one of those blogs that just stops and nice people keep clicking and wasting time if nothing new was posted.

I am not promising anymore new postings but at most sporadically. I also with encouragement from my Master told me I should vent more but we shall see if that is a direction I go. One of the points I needed to quit was I had about ten really good things I had started to write but when I would read them I did not recognize myself in the writing from the negative tone.

So I put this up because I do think there is some good stuff here for people to read as my blog has always been essay based talking about topics and not a life journal. I hope to contribute more but do not expect often and sometimes maybe just vents to blow off some steam.

Lin, still very much in love with my Master and the life of being a TPE slave.

Reading between the lines

noreply@blogger.com (Lin) — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 08:00:00 +0000

Just felt like a little blow off steam but tried to pull it off with a lame message. Comes out a little too mean spirited on the person I use, but you really have to know this person.

Often when we rush into something or wish for something we ignore all warning signs and things end up biting us on the butt. I know a certain Mistress personally from over a decade ago, my how time flies. I see her pop up on all the message boards. Now I have referred to her in this blog as my favorite fake dominant because she has enough theoretical knowledge, experience of some nature and is active in local and even wider national community to look legit but underneath the outer coating is a major does not get it person.

Anyway I was reading her profile and just had one belly laugh after another. She has actually grown in many ways since I last knew her and her personal life but the growth is still that classic fit wishes and preferences backward into an M/s philosophy. Here are some lines I am paraphrasing but not distorting.

I am a poly Mistress. I am looking for two to three slaves that are service oriented in nature. I consider myself hetro-flexible although I prefer males but will consider an outstanding female. I expect my slaves to understand that a good slave is only concerned about obeying my orders, directions and pleasing me. A slave should only add to a home and not detract from one.

I do expect you to maintain full time employment. I am not insane and know that depending on the number of slaves living with me that with full time employment that sometimes you will not be able to do all the duties required of a good slave. I am willing then to do things although I will do only the ones that least bother me.

I am not into punishments as good slaves should have self discipline and a work ethic. I will reward slaves in the kinky things for outstanding work. I do require you to initiate sex but always respecting no and not to ever harass me about it.

Now I will break this down and with my personal knowledge of her and my former owners who know her all too well and have known her and many and I mean many of the men who fooled themselves thinking she was a Mistress. I will decode these words. I will be honest I will guess most of you can decode these words without knowing her.

I am a poly Mistress. I am looking for two to three slaves that are service oriented in nature. – After twenty years of looking for a slave that would put up with me not lifting a finger I am now deeming myself poly and seeing if multiple slaves will add up to me not lifting a finger or any effort toward my slaves.

I consider myself hetro-flexible although I prefer males but will consider an outstanding female. – I was totally straight until I turned forty. In fact I use to make degrading comments and was quite the homophobe including lesbians. But I really hate lifting a finger at home and if a female can help with that I will consider it. But she will never be recognized other then a friend that lives there at best.

I expect my slaves to understand that a good slave is only concerned about obeying my orders, directions and pleasing me. A slave should only add to a home and not detract from one. – Seriously I am warning you I do not engage or go out of my way for other people including people I want to live with. Do not expect me to visit your parents with you, go to a wedding with you unless it is for someone I know and just in general no demands of my time just because we are in a relationship.

I do expect you to maintain full time employment. – Please all losers calling yourselves slaves as a way not to work, forget about it.

I am not insane and know that depending on the number of slaves living with me that with full time employment that sometimes you will not be able to do all the duties required of a good slave. – I tried this for a long time and this seemed to be a big issue as it seems a good slave willing to work full time, do all domestic work, do landscaping and major house improvement projects is just a myth. I have now accepted I maybe should get multiple mediocre slaves so all the work gets done.

I am willing then to do things although I will do only the ones that least bother me. – If at anytime all I could get was one slave, I am now willing to do a few things in order to make sure they do not bolt on me. What has happen to this world?

I am not into punishments as good slaves should have self discipline and a work ethic. I will reward slaves in the kinky things for outstanding work. – I really have absolutely zero interest in anything kinky and do not get even the most basic elements of power exchange. I have several things I am an expert at but please understand that my only interest in learning them was so I can demonstrate and preach in local communities to have some needed street cred to try to fool them. I have not learned anything new in over a decade and never ever attend/paid close attention to someone else’s demonstrations and seminars. I am a narcissist and do not have time for those lowly people unless they compliment me or make me feel better then them and I place them well above my slaves although I will never admit it.

I do require you to initiate sex as I will not but always respecting no and not to ever harass me about it. – This is how desperate I have become. In lieu of one real and true slave I now have to offer the hope of sex just to get one to talk to me. I really am completely asexual and I am not even sure I will give you anything more then a hand job once a year. But I have gone through all the males in my local community and have gained the reputation of no sex ever and that seems to be a major stumbling block. I mean I do not get it, in all my local community involvement and message board activity I get on my ordained great big pedestal and constantly preach practically in every breath how sex has nothing to do with the power exchange life and slaves should only have one desire and that is to please their owner. I mean every time people talk about sex I am often there to brow beat them with my latest intellectualized theory that dismisses the importance of and need of sex that I strung together alone in my house after getting dumped again. People should have learned and seen the light by now! But no they have not and now I have to resort to pretending sex will be in the relationship. Can you imagine just how hot that sex will be if it does happen?

Yes, this was mean spirited. I could make up some noble reasons as evidence for my points but I will leave it as is. Yes, you can also make the case for plenty of codes words and phrases for submissives and even break them out by gender. In fact that was what I wanted to do with this post but clearly wanted to rip this woman instead, maybe in a future post I will get to those.

Sometimes the clues are not really hidden that deep

Often people have to wait a long time to find someone that might interest them and the person is interested in them back. Often we can grow frustrated and start becoming too hopeful or willing to try to get anyone after awhile that remotely fits. But that is where trouble can start.

On paper this women at first glance can look ok. Experienced so one might think she is serious and knows what she is doing. Does offer kink and sex and does not come straight out and say no to these things or asks for money and tribute. Does not come out and clearly indicate only wanting free labor. Even blowing by the need the man to initiate sex can quickly be justified as she likes sometimes to feel more like a woman and get seduced. So I can see why so many male submissives have made the mistake in hoping this woman could be their Mistress.

But if you do step back and question the language it is all right there. Hetro-flexible basically means, not that all who use it would agree, that one of the sexes really does not do it for me but I can be sexual with them if it fits the relationship. That should say why does she open to the female as she is not married it is just her and she also writes strongly prefers men. It means she want stuff done for her. It truly is a red flag whenever a dominant communicate a slave should only be concerned for their owner’s desires and nothing else. That can really only mean a selfish inconsiderate person or a clueless does not get it, so do not toss that out when you read it thinking standard life cliché. It should be a giant clue that she will not initiate sex. Think about it, a dominant wanting a 24/7 slave. If she had a sex drive she would at least sometimes initiate sex, even women slaves and regular women initiate sex from time to time. Do not get lost on thinking well she did say she would put out. You’re a slave how much do you want to have sex with a person who will clearly express not wanting to?

So instead of wasting time and becoming burned out and frustrated by chasing anything, whether live or in cyber save the time and energy and choose who will be best for you and not what you just hope might be a fit. Read or listen to the words they will leave al the clues you need if you look at them close enough and objective enough.

Oh Know! Punishment!

noreply@blogger.com (Lin) — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 14:00:00 +0000

I must admit to maybe taking too much pride in trying to truly be a to each their own philosophy both in life, in total power exchange relationships and kinky things. Obviously I am far from perfect but I at least like to obnoxiously think I am more to accepting differences then one way type thoughts. I must admit though that when it comes to whether punishments are needed in TPE relationships and even ones that are less severe that I have a tough time in buying into the people that proclaim that they have no such thing in their relationships.

I was just reading an article in the paper about another study that came out that showed punishment with children is not effective in correcting their bad behavior. These studies no matter children or in other areas like prisoners always conclude the same thing. The things that always bother me are two things; they always take a generic punishment form and apply it to many different circumstances and history of human behavior shows punishment being used everywhere.

We punish children by quiet time and taking away good stuff. We screw up at work we are punished by lower raises, not getting promotions or getting terminated. We punish in regular relationships the withholding of sex, not doing something out of being pissed and various passive aggressive actions. Then why are their some who insist that punishment is not in their relationship in a severe power exchange relationship. If not something laid out and structured for consistency then to pretend punishment of the regular couple variety does not take place is difficult for me to imagine.

Why do I think having punishment in an M/s relationship is important.

(Obviously many others think so to and I am not any great mind coming up with some thing new)

Quite frankly to me it just seems like a natural part of the dynamic. There is my Master who I have given power over to control me. I am not perfect or always in a super submissive and focused mood. There are a lot of things done that can be dismissed that quite simply would not destroy our relationship. But that is not what we are going after in our relationship. Punishment gives us both what we need to help the commitment and maybe more importantly SHOW our commitment to the TPE dynamic.

For a slave to know your owner not only cares enough about the dynamic but is willing to make effort in their life to work on the dynamic by not blowing off mistakes and random junk and to actually take the time to discuss and administer a punishment is a big deal. It is a big deal for an owner to know a slave is not giving lip service to the dynamic but willing to walk the walk. Do we not hate people you use the words “I am sorry” as a get out of free card in life. I know I get sick of people who treat other people badly and think an “I am sorry” makes it ok.

Another reason for me is like it or not it is motivation to stay true. I like knowing if I do not do something or break a rule that something will probably happen. It helps me not only to be my best but it is freeing me from junk thoughts like “what does it matter” or “he will never know”. Punishment is not only a determent but it is also a natural state of the relationship communicator. It provides a god place of communicating things one or both do not like and can bring out bigger picture things that may be eating away when the two people talk it out.

The last reason I think punishment is important is that to me it helps greatly when done well in helping out with the power structure, boosting the atmosphere and gives an outlet to take care of issues without resorting to passive aggressive behaviors people so often do. As I wrote in the beginning of this entry I do not buy into no punishments in relationships concept. To me if one does something upsetting then it can either fester or cause someone to react in a less then healthy way. All this can combine with issues growing into mountains when they could have been stomped out very easy when they were molehills.

Why do some seem obsessed about not having punishments?

Quite honestly I see three main motivations for the people who argue against or claim their relationships are punishment free.

1) Not wanting to make the effort. Many relationships that go in to power exchange are often people with firmly agreed upon job duties that is more about structure and commitment to that structure then actual power exchange. The dominant male wants the 1950’s wife and a willing bedroom submissive and the female submissive that wants an alpha male and to be a bedroom submissive. But neither group wants to ever do things they naturally would not do or make any effort in investing in the relationship when it comes to actual power exchange.

2) Quite simply both gender and roles that have issues with their ego and self esteem. The concept of out in the open punishment goes to chip away the delusion they enjoy and create using power exchange that they are awesome as themselves or their other is awesome therefore by deduction they are awesome. These are people that when discussing punishment never come close to getting or acknowledging aspects of punishment like penance and the moving on. There the submissives that communicate the disappointment of doing something wrong is punishment enough. They cannot admit to anything less then perfection either in themselves or their relationships and punishment simply does not compute with openly admitting to non perfection.

3) Those that use the reward system to re-enforce good behavior. I know it sounds so cool and right does it not? Well a tip of the hat to my favorite fake but really experienced Mistress who uses this system. The old be a good slave and I will feed you some sex and/or kink. I wrote about this in a whole blog entry here but why it is idiotic is that is not a power exchange relationship or domination at all but someone with no dominant ability or no effort wanting to be spoiled and asking how much will this cost me and paying it in kinky things.

Issues and myths about punishments

1) I do not want to fill my relationship up with a bunch of junk. I could not agree more but that would only happen if you were stupid enough to have so many things in your relationship like too many rules or rituals or think absolute perfection in very insignificant things is a punishable thing. So if you are spending more time looking for things or worry about missing punishable things then you may want to change things and throw some of the rules or ways you deal with things.

2) I would be too nervous and walking on eggshells for fear of screwing up. Pretty much the same thing as one but again from a slave’s standpoint but there is a big difference in worrying about doing things to avoid after plenty of time that they should be secondhand and finding the right balance where over time everything is secondhand.

3) I am a mature adult and not a child. Punishment is for the immature and the too emotional people. No punishment done right takes the emotion out of things and helps the people discuss things and move on. Those who are too mature are the ones typically not dealing from an honest place and will let emotions fester and act out in non healthy ways.

Punishment is not really about screwing up

Punishment to me is a vital component of a significant power exchange relationship. Not because we must point out disobedience or rule violations whenever they happen, but that there is something in place to deal with things that make a dent into the dynamic and for both sides to have an open and healthy way to deal and move on. We are not perfect human beings and while some like to think maturity and mastering of themselves can deal with things with perfect open communication, the fact is most of us will fail often enough to cause problems. I do not want to live in a relationship that is normal and that includes dealing with problems when they pop up as well.

I want to write more about the specific aspects of punishments, types and when to do them but will save that for another post(s).

No Angle. Just Be You.

noreply@blogger.com (Lin) — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 16:00:00 +0000

One of the most common discussions between men and women is men will always bring up the lame thought of “why is it women are not attracted to nice men”. It is always one of those mind boggling thoughts men come up with as I do not think any women has ever gone I do not like nice men.

When getting into the power exchange life this topic just goes to another level as men debate this endlessly and with the usual finesse of doing surgery with a rusty hack saw come up with gross generalizations that just astound the brain.

Please men please discuss amongst yourselves what is nice and the best way for things as you measure the size of your cocks. The men actually walking over and talking to the women are the ones who will take us home and fuck us.

Women will decide if you are nice or not and not what you think nice is or if you are. There is a reason why sometimes the beautiful women are seen with ordinary men and people scratch their heads. The reason is because the men made the effort and pursued those women.

Women do not order men off a menu. They do ask a waiter for the best dominant man with a side of nice and are all set. Like men our options are the men who are interested in us and like it or not we are just not going to tap you on the shoulder and go I want you. We may hint up a storm or we may wait and hope but history shows a forever pattern of expecting men to make the moves.

Women in general but women who want sever power exchange relationships lust after men who are assertive. Assertive does not mean ass and it certainly can include being nice and classy. We have actual disdain and are repelled by passive men who do not show self confidence, the ability to have an opinion and cannot lead or make decisions.

It does not matter how nice and classy you are if you want to find a woman who identifies as a slave or sub with slave like tendencies as most men want bring the assertiveness and stop worrying about projecting “nice”. Let me be clear here, not projecting nice does not mean project jerk instead.

Men would you be insulted if you only thought women thought you cared about was the size of their tits?

Whenever I read about men debating nice that one note is all that I hear. It is this loud annoying one note. You of course when looking for a long term someone want a lot more then just one thing. Why do you think all women are only looking for nice when they meet you?

Women are looking for a lot of things just like you men are. One thing is nice but we also know nice when first meeting, whether in person or cyber, and nice by what we consider nice is two different things. So when making contact with a woman if you obsess over trying to communicate you are nice and this hides other qualities you are destroying your chances.

Are you fake?

Whenever I read or talk to men where the subject of nice comes up that is what I really hear. Because often men will reel off stories of how they specifically tried to be nice or even tried to be “jerks” like “other” men they see. In power exchange the words change to the more common I talk to this woman as an equal and not all dominant like.

Well are you intentionally or even unintentionally putting on an act and not being yourself because the woman will not respond to that. Seriously whether live or in cyber most women will get a sense if they are being played or not and that will get you the dust off. So the next time you think you want to come off as nice, come off as dominant or come off as assertive you have sent to your own mind to not be you. That will always come with a risk.

Men I know so many of you want the secret code to unlock all women as potential slaves for you. But there is none. Thinking of a way to act or specific words have a universal magic spell to cast over women that wins them over is a waste of time.

Always be yourself!

Three words and all the advice I can give you. I have no magic words to give you. I have no concept of what nice and assertive can be to be universally accepted as nice and assertive. I have no concept of what will make a women think that is the one. Stop wasting your time on the thought of nice or a jerk, polite or rude and casual or demanding. Those other men that claim what they do works great because that is what they do are liars.

Whether you think you are nice or not do not worry and realize that is up to the woman to decide. Whether you are assertive or give off the vibe of dominance or not is also up to the women. If you project an act all that will cause is trust to be destroyed when you can no longer keep it up. If you think that you will flip a switch and turn from super vanilla man to super dominant man in your personality that is not going to happen. Acting a role either before or after will not cut it.

So please stop worrying about if women want to see this and just be yourself. What do you care if a woman does not want you if you show who you truly are. Think of it as a blessing of time not wasted because you played them with an act. It just takes one special woman for you and I guarantee you that woman will find you nice and all dominant like for who you are and not what you project.

Stop worrying about style when communicating and spend that time working on the substance of the communications. Nice guys do not finish last but actors playing do.