When we seek our other for a Master/slave relationship often these two concepts collide and can doom the most promising of starts. On the one hand we have the human tendency to try to satisfy needs and strong desires that we will often rush or push others into situations to get them satisfied. The potential dangerous result being that we can objectify the other person in the equation. On the other hand we as humans also tend to not want to make a conscious effort in often the things that mean the most to us. We often then rely on letting things unfold in a “natural” way. But this is really more code for what we really do and that is be passive and react hoping things work the way we want them to in the end.
The best example I can use is sex and how people go about deciding when to have it in a relationship. Some people want it as soon as possible to satisfy their sexual desires while other people like to wait until they have very genuine feelings for the person they are seeing. The fact is there is no right or wrong answer to which is the best way. The sex before feelings can be an objectifying experience for example one might feel do they like me for who I am or that I am giving them orgasms. The other way is to spend a great deal of time with someone that our time and emotional investment is so great that between the pressure to then make sex work for both or to find out that the two people together are not sexually very compatible and a bad breakup is inevitable.
The reality from my eyes is most human beings never give any of this any serious thought or effort. That most human beings let their personality, past experiences and the personal issues that result from those two things and let those things blindly go about how they seek out relationships and try to live them. This is where you get the age old issue that is a huge problem in power exchange dynamic relationships and we get the “this is what I want” that then gets worked back into “this is how it should be/will be”. Far too often we do not want to work for what we truly desire and want in our power exchange relationship but at the same time we do not want a relationship that is false and blows up because we objectified the other and the roles we played at more then felt.
In the next two sections I am going to point out to me the issues when we have defaulted too much to one of these things that can create a big problem when striving for a power exchange relationship in a long term and loving one.
“Human beings default to vanilla”
In probably the past five years this quote that I read on a message board, and I apologize for not remembering where or who, was the shortest pure truths I have ever read about people and power exchange relationships.
The word natural that gets tossed around when discussing this life is 99% of the time used as a code word for two things.
1) Cool Factor Disease – as a person thinking they are a better slave then others the more they proclaim themselves to be more natural at their core then others they see and hear call themselves slaves.
2) A term used to run away from personal responsibility in these types of relationships. You will often see many people claiming themselves a master or a slave in a significant power exchange relationship then literally at the same time sprint away from what we discuss in specifics about this life. Things brought up like control, obedience, rules, rituals, punishment, active leadership and others many when faced with the specifics of these will use the phrase “I am a natural dominant/submissive” and therefore do not need to do these things.
But the truth is we are not natural anything when M/s is our dynamic. Yes we have to have personalities and be drawn to this life in a natural strong way but that only gets us to the door. We in the end to default to vanilla and the vanilla in us acts in a way that makes our preferences and wishes to be whatever is the easiest and most convenient for us. We as human beings do this everyday. We judge our wishes and preferences as right or better and anything that is different or goes against ours as wrong or worse. For example, we pass a car on the highway that car is going too slow but another car passes us that car is going too fast.
Trying to let the power exchange dynamic in a new relationship develop in a natural way by time and feelings is doomed for failure if that is all that is going to happen as we humans default to vanilla. All this is going to do is make each person just be themselves and expect the other person in their relationship to turn into their perfect vision of a master or slave. This will never happen and bitterness and frustration will slowly build and erode a once promising relationship.
Objectify to the point of not knowing
When we rush into power exchange and/or doing kinky things we often do this because our strong desires for these things have built up after too much time without and instead of learning about each other and walking down the path together we sprint without thought to the other. The end we end up objectifying the other person or feel objectified by the other and many times both and then everything is so artificial the relationship has nowhere to go but to collapse.
We as human beings are born natural role players. But also for all of us playing roles drains us of energy that will eventually burn us out. We see this and often do this all the time when we first start seeing someone and like them that we will present a fairytale version of ourselves that is not really the actual version. A slob home will be cleaner when the other visits then normal. The meals fixed will be better and made with pretend joy of cooking for many. But over time the act cannot be kept up and we revert to how we are. The person comes over to a pig sty and the meals cooked become few and far between with no joy to do so communicated.
The problem in doing this with power exchange is that we objectify the other person to become an act or expect them to be an act and fail to work with them how they are and what they need to be the role we both desire them to be. The dominant who after a few dates hands over a slave contract in essence is asking the other to take on a role. A submissive wanting to be bossed around after the same amount of time is asking a dominant to take on a role. Out of desire one or both eagerly accept the situation and then we have one or two people playing roles that drain them of energy as opposed to being themselves in power exchange roles that fit and feed them energy. Then one or both eventually stop playing the role and the other is left wondering what happen or blame the other as being a poser.
This objectifying tends to hurt power exchange relationships when one or both jump into the kinky sex aspects and ignore the power exchange connections to these acts. People end up getting their sexual needs taken care of but now have come to associate kinky sex as always mutual fun. When often many of the kinky things done in master/slave relationships are strong physical manifestations of power being exchange critical of keeping the mindset and atmosphere of the relationship a power based one. That rushing too fast into kink and too specifically just for pleasure we have not only objectified the other person but we have objectified the acts themselves that will potentially damage the journey toward a power dynamic.
Middle ground and accepting we will need to get out of our comfort zone
The fact is somewhere between the extreme of just natural or too fast we objectify the person, acts or the dynamic is the key to building the foundation to a great and healthy master/slave relationship dynamic. We have to accept just being ourselves and expecting the other to rise up to our fantasy version of the other role is a ludicrous idea. We have to accept that feelings for another does not make us change into a role. We have to accept playing a role will not transform us into being happy playing that role permanently.
The reality is that either role master or slave means working at times in an unnatural way specifically on our role in the relationship. This does mean for a slave things will be done we will not enjoy or want to do often on a daily basis but still the overall life of a slave makes us happier then if we are in a regular relationship. It means as a dominant that being actively assertive and in charge comes with making decisions and leading when you are not feeling like it or do not see the point. The more you wan the other to be less vanilla like the more we must accept that we cannot act in a vanilla way ourselves.
The reality means that rushing to the fun things can make us role players that burn out one or both. That working hard with mutual effort to have our fantasy version of the other takes time, constant communication and working outside are comfort zone of us defaulting to vanilla all the while expecting the other to not be vanilla. In a long term power exchange relationship we cannot just turn on the dynamic no matter how much time together and feelings developed between us and think the danger of role play burnout has been minimalized.
The dynamic takes work and commitment from the start and each and everyday we live it. It has to be within us but we also need to make sure we feed the other what they need so they can feed us in return. We need to make sure we do not role play out of wishing for what we want or from our feelings we have developed for our other and we need to keep our eyes open that our other is not role playing as well.
People succeed in things in life because they are motivated, focused and willing to put in the work to do so and this includes people in relationships.
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