More Personal

Doublenot in this entry in her blog wrote about the lack of a lot of personal information in blogs and in particular the way some of this information that shows we all do not live in fairytale relationships and real life still dominates our life. Now from the time I started my blog and I will continue to do so because it is not only my nature but what motivates me to write is more only topics, theories and intellectual thoughts and practices of power exchange relationships. I do make a point to poke holes in the fairytales we sometimes weave in this life but I am not really offer up my real time and problems.

I thought I would just randomly spill out some personal info on me and my relationship in some sporadic no order of importance or any semblance of a theme or point.

Here are ten detailed things and maybe do this more often if I am comfortable.

1) Biggest thing I struggle with in our relationship is the lack of time we have together. My previous two serious relationships my owners never traveled and in fact worked the same place I did. My Master travels quite a bit and between that and my job makes a lot of alone time I am not use to and cause more roller coaster ride then I like.

2) I have never had a serious relationship that was not M/s. Never had a teenage love affair thing and chased different sexual relationships until being introduced to this life at twenty. I have not once even thought about seeing what a regular relationship was like.

3) I rarely struggle with obedience but struggle and cause problems with my Master when he does things I am use to doing. Fill my day up with orders I am perfectly fine and probably more then fine but quite happy. But for William to clean or cook something see me unravel and get all kinds of uncomfortable and stressed out. I stress myself out at the drop of a hat. To find the kitchen cleaned two days before I was to normally clean it will paralyze me as I obsess over if William thought I should have already done a deep cleaning but more often thinking about how it throws off my schedule and how to get back on it.

4) I am not an adrenaline addict. I have been accused of this often by people who see kinky slave and ER nurse. I have a phobia about motorcycles and see no reason to jump out of an airplane or bungee jump. My mind is super fast and the chaos of the ER really helps me function best.

5) Our biggest issue as a couple is my job. William loves what he does and enjoys doing it. He still after all this time cannot understand that I feel the same way when he often sees me come back from a shift exhausted, mad, frustrated or near tears. One of the things I stated and kept firm when looking for my owner was that I would be allowed to work full time and in the area I wanted. William has already got me to part time and keeps trying to get me out of the ER and that talk never ends up just being a talk.

6) My Mom knows I am into S&M. I do not know if she knows about M/s although I would not bet a dime she does not know. She saw me enough times with bruises that we had quite the talk one day. I am almost positive my Dad knows as well but enjoys the do not ask do not tell. In terms of them accepting my Master, my brother said it best to William when he was worried about it “You got Lin to agree to being married and think about having children. You could have been an imprisoned serial killer and not only gotten our Mom’s blessing but she would have helped you escape.”

7) The one kinky thing you will never see me comment on or write about is orgasm control. I have heard all the reasons for why to do it and why it is enjoyable for both sides over and over but I still basically cannot process it in my brain. I am thankful my first owners were basically the opposite of this in which they believed I sexually served them and my orgasms were great but irrelevant unless at the time they specifically wanted to see me orgasm.

8) I despise drama in people. Of course plenty of drama queens and kings out there in great relationships but I do not know how they can do it. I am generally a patient person but people that need to make a big deal out of everything that they come up against or feel I usually have very violent thoughts against. I will never understand how someone can care so much where they go to eat or in a great long term relationship the other says one thing that is not a major thing but makes one obsess and re-think prior well proven thoughts.

9) I do not nor have ever journal for myself or my Master. – I can scream and write open and forward communication like everyone else in keeping people on the same page and not letting problems build and fester until they are well blown out of proportion but I have no formal way of nipping those things in the bud. We sometimes if have big things particularly when new would have scheduled sit down talk out things and still have those here and there. But most of the time I still need to get the nerve to bring things up the old fashion way.

10) We have the most common wishes for our other, he wishes I would initiate more the sexual and kinky things and I wish he would be more indulgent and rougher in his use of me. We have a history of each going bouts where I am doing hints and passive aggressive behaviors to get laid and kink done to me and he sometimes forgets just how much I love serving him and cruelty towards me and starts playing regular husband into kinky mutual enjoyable sex.

No Chance

Hang around in cyber, local communities or talk to enough dominants you will come across two theories in this life that it saddens me people often give thought and reflection to. 1) A dominant should not love their submissive/slave. 2) A dominant has to not need their slave as much as their salve needs them or they will be powerless.

Now probably most of you reading this go that is just stupid but still I am stunned just how many pause and give this thought especially new people into the life that often these confused dominants try to prey on.

Insecurity is a factor in this life

People do not like to talk about this and whenever I have brought up in the past especially in person or on a message board people will often line up to bash me but insecurity of the other leaving is a driving force behind power exchange relationships. Notice I did not say only, biggest or major but for most people this is a reason of some consequence.

From a dominant’s standpoint things like bowing, statements of devotion and seeing their submissive sacrifice for them goes into the feeding of the insecurity of look how much they care for me and therefore will not leave me. From a submissive’s all these things we do to please them and put them first goes into the feeding of our insecurity of them leaving us. That if we do these things and keep them happy they will not leave us.

No human does not have some insecurities and for most in power exchange the other leaving us is an insecurity that we share. But for those where it goes to becoming unhealthy, dangerous and unchecked is when people act on it in a severe and life controlling way. Dominants who obsess over needing the other less are dealing with unhealthy insecurity of have a big issue of not being able to handle well if the other person leaves them.

These can be very dangerous people at worse and at best are incredibly needy people which go for submissives as well if they are unhealthy about worrying their other will dump them.

What’s love got to do with it?

Most human beings want and need love in our relationships. But love and the ability to give it and accept it ranges greatly in human beings. We though as human beings often do not like to admit that to ourselves and when the more love express/needed person falls for someone they tend to assume that everyone is like them exactly and therefore if this person loves and cares for them they will respond in kind. But not all human beings are capable of loving or showing/giving it.


To ask most people, including people in this life, that love is a critical component in a successful and healthy long term relationship, but the truth is it is not a must have for some to have a successful and long term relationship. I am pretty sure we all know others who are in long term relationships that do not seem to be loving ones that the people seem perfectly fine with them. Whether an older couple that relies on one to take care of the other physically while the other takes care of them financially and for whatever reason these relationships do in fact exist.

The fact is love in a relationship and the need to feel and give it are compatibility things for two people. For some it has to ooze out of everything in the relationship and for some does not or cannot even be in their relationships. But for most of us including power exchange couples it is somewhere in between those two extremes and it is important for all couples that love is involved.

Regular relationship rules apply

One of the biggest mistakes many people make when they get into this life even when they have significant experience in it is to discount or think that because of the power exchange and how they fit it that human behavior and needs somehow become greatly different. That power exchange relationships transcend regular relationship dynamics because they are special! It is one of the fairytales of this life.

It is buying into this myth that is the cornerstone of the reasons and motivations of the most common mistakes in these relationships. That people, especially dominants, decide what they want whether overall or in the moment and then work there way back to a power exchange theory that supports it. This is what goes on when a dominant states that one should not love their slave. The truth is most dominants promoting that do not want an all encompassing relationship or have limited or no ability to give love to another.

This is the same thinking along the lines of a dominant stating one cannot get married to their slave. All that actually means is they do not want to get married for the usual reasons people do not want to get married and no power exchange special reason other than trying to fool themselves or their other that it is not a regular old human reason.

We can be compatible, not compatible, get fooled or get played

In the end we are either going to be on the same page, be the right fit and have the timing of all it right or we will not be. Power exchange cannot quench the thirst of an unhealthy insecurity, shore up perceived lack of character traits many want from another and protect oneself from slights of the past or fears of the future whether realistic or imaginary. A person may or may not need love in their relationship but no wishful theory in the world can get a person who needs it to be with one who cannot or will not give it.

No relationship has a chance if one is obsessed over who needs the other more and actually thinks that dictates what can go on in a power exchange relationship. People require at the minimal when in long term relationships is to feel the other one is deeply committed to the other through the thick and thin. For most but not all that includes love as a critical component and not obsessing over an insecurity or dealing with a person who makes us jump through that hoop.

Labels – Why the Drama?

In writing my blog I try to only write on a topic that I am inspired/get my dandruff up by something. I also in thinking and looking for ideas tend to keep a list of topics I would like to write on but just have not felt to inspiration to. One of those topics that has been on the list for a long time now is labels.

Now I could right on labels in some detail but after reading the blog Laurie’s-ramblings of a madwoman and her excellent post on labels there is no need to write anything in detail about this topic. At best it would be a poor imitation and at worse probably some subconscious plagiarism. So all I will do is mention it here add one thing and if anyone is interested in how too many of the people in this life obsess over labels please read her post.

My two cents worth, labels are necessary for giving basic information to people and that is about it. To call oneself a slave in this life to someone they probably will guess you are not a Saturday night bottom at a local dungeon only player. It does mean much more then that or even if they agree or not but know something to infer, ask or just chat about.

Most of us tend to only go that far with the labels we deal with on an everyday basis. But some go way too far. I find that it is quite ironic that the people who go out of their way to rant against labels give them often more value then anyone else.

Emotional Masochism

I have been reluctant about writing about this topic that is near and dear to my heart out of defiance more then anything else. You see I am an emotional masochist which is why I am such a big fan of degradation and humiliation play. But unfortunately there is a huge double standard in our huge tent when there is talk on this subject. You see because physical masochism gets pretty much a free pass. If one likes physical pain inflicted on them you pretty much get a free pass from all the safety police, directed at you personally not the acts, and all the non physical masochists stay away from the subject.

But for the people like me who are emotional masochists we get no luxury. Whenever the topic of humiliation or degradation comes up or if the specific topic of emotional masochism comes up the safety police come out in droves to talk about stranger’s personal issues and everyone and their mothers often feel free to wade on the subject regardless even if they are clearly not even remotely this way.

My protest was always in a silent way to not treat physical masochism and emotional masochism any different because if you are one or both of them then you are and most things talked about into this area apply even if they may apply differently. But I decided I wanted to write my view on emotional masochism. I am going to be brief because I think this is a topic that prevails itself to either brief or go way deep but in between can be confusing. I will end with me attacking the myths that are promoted.

What is emotional masochism?

I want to give two ways to describe it then go into types.


1) Do you enjoy a sad movie or television program where a character makes you cry? – Many of us do otherwise many movies and television shows would not have these elements in them. Well for an emotional masochist we might really love to have a “good” cry. It might be enjoyable in the moment or it might be the feeling afterwards but some way we like to cry or feel bad as it does not have to be about crying.

2) The enjoyment/pleasure/need of releasing junk deep with ourselves that is quite negative whether we believe it and often when even if we know and do not believe it. This venting of negative junk allows a person to feel more relaxed or feel more pleasurable things that the negative junk might have been blocking.

I know/categorize or for ease three types. I am not claiming this is all or even right but just from my experiences and observations. I am also not discussing levels to simplify it as well. Just like all other people with interests, issues and preferences they come with levels. To assume worse case scenario for each is just as idiotic as to assume very light for each as well.

1) People who have prior abuse that has caused an abnormal amount of self hatred with themselves. – Often people with such an endless source of self hatred from suffering from abuse as a child that they often have trouble feeling anything nice. Often without a safe way to vent this will act out in very self destructive ways. For some their emotional masochism that along with many other factors wonder into the kinky sex area and find an outlet to let out the bad so they can feel the good.

2) People who have internal conflicts of what they feel and what society has preached or doing individual things to how we think they should have gone. They feel but do not express for various reasons like non emotional that way or living up to society behavior so it gets stuck inside them. – This is basically how I am. I will stress myself out trying to be something I do not have to be or intellectually know I have to be but none the less I do it. People like me this is pretty much hardwired into us in such a way that we naturally without reason stress ourselves out.

3) Number two above but with specifically sexual in nature. – Probably the most common one in society. This is for whatever reason a person who cannot reconcile what most people find is healthy sexuality with their mind pretty much all sex is issues and screwed up in some way. The classic good girls do not do that type thoughts. So puncturing those feelings to vent out and let the fun sex feeling their body truly craves is a fairly common thing. Think the classic “I am a slut for my Master” or “You are such a slut. You cannot get enough of my cock” type phrases people do with each other.

Myths of Emotional Masochism

1) Without years of experience as a top it can be very dangerous. – One of things I despise the most and there is probably no way of getting around it is the mixing in of the ego with actual safety talk. This is one of the reasons. Once again we are talking about professional dommes and people who play on a local community level confusing the dangers of playing with strangers in general compared to people playing in loving healthy long term relationships. We are talking about these people confusing other people who are not self aware or dealing with issues unchecked and therefore self medicating that can cross the line to people who do deal with there issues and are self medicating in a safe and healthy way.

Because to think only an emotional masochist can be in this life and not be dealing with bigger issues that could explode on them as opposed to the other things we do is absurd. This is the double standard I talked about previously. This is the be careful of prior abuse shouted from the rooftop whenever these things are mentioned but silenced about past physical abuse when an S&M subject comes up about the dangers in the mind. Or people who are quick to discard themselves and lose themselves into a fairytale image of a slave these people often do not mention or talk about.

If a person is not stable, not dealing or cannot handle their own reactions the it is not skill but sheer stupidity and dangerous irresponsible behavior to be playing with people like this in the first place.

2) The play that emotional masochists are often into is dangerous and can cause damage easily. – This is the most ignorant of all the reasons out there about play like this. Unfortunately it is prevalent because many in this life suffer to some various degree of the cool factor disease. The cool factor disease in summary is the thought of the more power given over and the fewer limits one has makes them better then others. So many who want to try all the bells and whistles in this life but instead of going “oh well, just not for me” instead get their ego tied up into it and make it “this is very dangerous”.

How this comes into play is when people start exploring the area where emotional masochists flourish like humiliation and degradation type stuff. Since there are many that on some level like some of these things on a very light and harmless way (think again of it is cool to feel like a filthy slut during sex sometimes with hubby) that when there is an attempt to go deeper it can be bad and dangerous. But the reason should be in big neon lighted lights, MAYBE BECAUSE THERE IS NO EMOTIONAL MASOCHISM IN YOU!

Once again double standard, as people in this life automatically accept physical pain. But the fact is take a cane to the average person and see if that is not dangerous from a mental standpoint because guess what, it is! Play that goes directly with emotions is a separate play that physical S&M is and on and on with the types of play. People with the cool factor disease are usually more trying to explain why there not into something then accepting others are going to be different from them.

3) That this play can add to the issues of an emotional masochist. – Most if not all emotional masochist that are drawn to this type of play are drawn based on two things. 1) They are harder on themselves then any other person or society. 2) It is an outlet to vent these feelings and not intake them.

The person who feels worthless and cannot find a way to vent it is not getting this feeling by others directly. The person feeling worthless is certainly not getting it directly from the person they love and respect in an ongoing relationship. So some random play that taps these feelings and lets them come out and it is not about stuffing more of these feelings in to a person explodes.

Again, someone’s cane to the tits is deeply enjoyable is another’s abuse chant. Well an emotional masochist might prefer to be totally degraded by their owner as incredibly enjoyable similar to a physical masochist getting their tits worked over.

4) Nobody should be self medicating. – Then there would be no one left on earth. We all self medicate. Whether eating comfort food when we are sad or stressed or flirt or masturbate when our sex life is not satisfactory. It is not that self medicating is bad but that unhealthy self medicating is bad. It is the eating of comfort food until we are morbidly obese, diabetic and with severe heart problems or we start of having affairs and risky sex in these examples.

But if one knows, recognizes and deals with their issues and enjoyments in a healthy way then we call that a person with their act together. Well for an emotional masochists dealing with what we enjoys means in a safe contained way from a good cry watching a sad movie to some of the darker play in this life. Like other stuff they all can be an instrument of good and bad. A person could watch endless sad movies and become physically depressed or a person seeks out getting treated like crap only from another and not have the goodness in the relationship for the same examples.

Emotional masochists are out there and take general pleasure in many things most do not in life including many in this life that openly accept physical pain as being a part of this life. Just like a regular person might see through their eyes at what you do and think it is dangerous and questionable people often in this life see what emotional masochists gravitate to and think dangerous and questionable. But if it is a healthy fit that view is just as crazy as many of the people who get so frustrated and/or hide out of fear from letting regular people know what makes them happy.

We are all not the same and certain things done in scope and intensity in this life are done the same for the same reasons. Some of us really dig being humiliated and degraded a deep enough way by our loved one.

Random Opinions II

I think nothing scares dominants more then when submissives communicate of real time experience of their other stop being committed to the dynamic and stopped all active domination and play/scenes. So many try for the obedient spouse/maid, cook and whore with a great attitude that whenever real life people point out the real life failures of the dominant not holding up their end it scares them because many are that way and just do not have the domination within them. That many truly are just about do those things and tell me what you need and I will give it and think that can actually work. Time after time I see dominants respond with the most idiotic and ill thought out garbage when replying to specific and clear examples like they are being questioned by police and are trying to think of an alibi.


Being open to power exchange and BDSM and being open and adventurous sexually are completely two different things and often if both are wanted in a relationship that the hurdle of a person(s) with society values and raised beliefs are not tied together. For some they may mirror but for many one of them might be more difficult and possibly not going to be able to do. So one may become a freak in bed but never get comfortable with power exchange and vice versa. Just because someone is one of these things does not make them the other or easily converted. That goes for males and dominants as well.

People into poly need to do a much better job in promoting their ways. My first relationship was poly and quite successful in the fact it was not suppose to go on forever and they are still close friends who actually traveled to Taiwan to be guests at my wedding. So I am far from being against poly or think it cannot work. But poly people are often so defensive about their preferences for the life they can often act like a cult. What I mean by that is anything that people point out about problems and difficulties that outsiders bring up or people with past bad experiences in poly they circle the wagons and usually snipe back. I feel until poly people act in a more open and honest way in discussing the problems of poly and admit many in poly looking for thirds or go through thirds all the time are not good poly people or in it for good reasons. Until they do more of this then they will still get treated like a cult and have a tough time finding people to join them.

I feel maybe because of being submissive or being raised in Eastern culture make me somehow too harsh with this view but I always feel that too many women who are more prone to easiness and comfort of habit that keep their hair short and dress in a less then feminine way hurt their relationships. Often when I hear women complain their men no longer touch them that often or other even some of the more tame affectionate things I look at how they present themselves and want to blurt out why would he. I am not a believer of the poetic prose of that long hair and always wear outfits like dresses and skirts at all times be attractive is HOW a woman is naturally to be. But if we love our other and accept men are visually stimulated then I do not know why a woman does not make an effort to look appealing to their man. There is a reason early on in a power exchange relationship a male owner will often order the hair grown longer and the clothes more feminine worn by their slave.

I wish more women would be more secure in most things not based on a relationship so they can have more courage to leave crappy relationships and find ones that work for them. I also feel that more women need to stop thinking of a man as an entertainment device first then worry about long term compatibility things later.

I wish there was a remedial school for power exchange relationships. Every time a man talks only about the toys they are forced to take the class and every time a woman communicates a Master is suppose to be Prince Charming they have to take the course as well.

Rules & Rituals

I wanted to write a lot briefer then I normally do on this topic and then be more personal then I normally am and show some examples of the ones in my life.

First I do not quite know what the difference sometimes between a rule and a ritual when it comes to the ritual part. Is it a rule how one may greet their owner or is it a ritual. I know a straight rule like no wearing sweats when the temperature is above sixty for example.

Rules and Rituals is a pet topic for me as I believe they are critical in having a healthy 24/7 M/s relationship. I wrote in more detail why in the sister pet topic atmosphere. These two topics tend to overlap as I tend to think of rules and rituals to be the backbone of keeping up a healthy power exchange atmosphere within a relationship. These two topics and how they often get clouded up and mistreated by people in far lesser power exchange dynamics (in scope not how good) and those with the cool factor disease were one of my motivations to start this blog and spend less time on message boards.

So instead of another entry of broad theory I thought it would be different to give some quick thoughts on developing beneficial rules and rituals and then use some as my own as example.

Basic and primitive guidelines

1) Not too many but not none as well. – It is the biggest gripe among people who do not want these things in their life that it burdens them more then anything. Certainly too many can contribute to the burdening. I am guessing the leading cause of having too many in a relationship is because people thinking of ones they might like or read of rules and rituals in other M/s relationships that people just add them with no thought to why outside of thinking they would be cool and fun. I think a good way to see if you need a ritual or rule is for both to monitor their life and see a particular time frame or situation that is routine that one or both struggle to deal with their perspective roles and duties in the relationship can be a good place to put something in.

2) Have a good motivation for a rule or ritual. – I believe any rules and ritual can be good as long as one of the person’s directly involved will feel more dominant or submissive because of it therefore enhancing the power exchange atmosphere. I do not believe both have to get something out of it. I also believe that if an owner has a preference then it can be perfectly great as well. But the best rules and rituals will have a better reason then “because I say so” even if it is as simple as “I really like you doing that”.

3) If a tree falls in the woods does it make a sound. – An owner may really like the idea of their slave contemplating their love and devotion to them for a certain amount of time during the day they are not there. But if the slave gets really nothing out of it then at some point this type of ritual is not really benefiting anyone and at worse is burdensome. If this happens to a ritual where no one really is getting the benefit of it then think about adjusting it or just no longer having it in the relationship. For this example, maybe have the slave just say something to their owner that goes in this direction when the owner is present.

4) Have some fun with them. – So many times in so many areas I see people wanting to know what others have in their relationship in terms of rules and rituals like they are looking for ideas for themselves. Rules and rituals are about creating an atmosphere that reminds all participants their place in the relationship and that comes with enjoying that place. If the owner or even the slave has a particular thing they would like to emphasize in their relationship then think what types of rules and rituals can help emphasize that. For example many of our rules and rituals are for reminders of my Master that he can inflict pain on me at anytime. This is done mostly out of motivation for him to indulge in his sadism lusts and to overcome a lifetime of being the good guy.

5) Cool and/or intense has nothing to do with it. – Some rules and rituals that really help out the relationship can be quite corny or a lame stereotype. But if they work who cares. Overtime these things can blend in like most things in life that we do over and over again. Judging a rule or ritual primarily on how intense they are to one or both is building up expectations too high that will be tough to sustain. Rules and rituals enhance the power exchange dynamic of one’s relationship and they do not make or change it.

6) Re-visit them once and awhile. – People adapt and life changes. What was a beneficial and nice ritual may have become useless with neither party getting anything out of it, time to change it, dump it or replace it.

Here are five examples of rules & rituals that William and I have in our Master/slave TPE relationship

1) After most of the day apart (working & miscellaneous), I greet him whether he is coming in the door or me finding him when I come in the door by kneeling and expressing my love and devotion to him and our dynamic in a very brief way.


Fairly common ritual and trust me the sayings I normally come up with cause us more to laugh then any other emotion. In terms of intensity pretty minimal but in terms of effectiveness it helps both of us quite a bit. One or both of us have just spent a day in the regular world. This ritual is good for us because it resets the world for us and helps us remember and separate the difference between the world and our dynamic. This is not any different then the couple that always greets each other by hugging and smooching. Short term issues and problems can help lose focus of how we really feel and like to feel.

2) When Master is done in the bedroom before starting his day I am to go to the designated chair bare my ass and he will give me five slaps of his hand. Also sometimes he will then have me turn around and hold my hands over my head and he may pinch my nipples.

Many people have rules and rituals in the first thing in the morning stuff. I do not think that is a coincidence even if they have not thought about it. Waking up in a new morning and having something to remind us of our place in the relationship helps get everything off on the right foot. We have weird schedules due to his traveling a lot on business and me working the night shift. Our days of waking up together for the day are limited and we are also still newlyweds we would probably break most of the rituals we would set up. This one helps in it is easy, specific and intense that really helps me greatly focus on my life and duties in a really nice way.

3) Before sitting in the same room with my Master I am to approach and pose in a submissive way and ask permission.

Now Master has never said “no, get out of my face” and the literal translation of my request is not even partly a reason for this ritual. The ritual is in place for both of us to be reminded I am there to serve my owner for his needs and pleasures. The ritual gives him the chance to think as the Master he is by giving pause to a very common regular life thing and going I do or can have something right now. It helps both of us as it is a nicer and easier thought process of asking “do you want anything?” which has vanilla tones and pressure because whether or not he may not want something there is a thought process to me of he must want something. So simple permission allows him to think about indulging and allows me not to focus on doing something to get my slave on but to take his words as end all.

4) When I come home and after I kneel to him I wait to see where he goes or if he is already at a stationary place I then proceed without any acknowledgment or seek out any acknowledgment by him take off all my clothes close to him but not interrupt his sight if he is watching TV for example. I then pause for one minute and after pick up my clothes and go to the bedroom to change into clothes that fit the rules for such thing.

Again this ritual is a reminder to both of us that he is my owner and I am his slave. Like most people when I walk through the door after being gone from home my mind is on all the things I need to do. Even if these things are power exchange things they still are not as important as pleasing my Master in the moment based on what he wants. The truth though is this ritual was started out of the fact my Master likes to pick out what he wants me to wear often enough that I just cannot walk in and be comfortable in automatically dressing myself but not as often that he does it all the time or wants to be burden with me asking all the time. Basically this ritual is asking the question in silence and if he does not speak up then it is my choice within my ordered guidelines.

I would hold up this as an exhibit that can be somewhat redundant to the kneeling ritual and appear a bit silly at least I thought so at first. But the practice of it has been real beneficial. It has given both emphasis and ease in my Master not feeling pressure to pick what I wear but still bring it to his attention if he has a desire. It lets me not have to guess if he wants something specific but at the same time if he says nothing it still focuses me on dressing is for his pleasure and not for my convenience. Plus him seeing me naked and especially if I have some marks on me has instigated a lot of sexual fun we might not have had.

5) At 2pm everyday I either inform him in person on the weekends or text him what I plan on making for dinner that night for him.

This ritual again is a reminder to both of us who is in charge as it allows him to either approve of dinner, by either ignoring or replying so, or allows him to tell me if he wants something different. This gives him active control without the burden of coming up with what I should make and it allows me comfort in knowing what I will make is fine with him.

I specifically used these five examples as they demonstrate to me just how all of them take routine daily things and put the Master/slave dynamic right out in the open. But at the same time none of these rituals requires any significant time or additional thought/effort then normal if one is not feeling it. None of these things are not daily on a regular basis with all couples but we just have re-enforced the M/s dynamic and not let regular life cloud over it. So kneeling to greet instead of or additional to hugs and smooches. Swats on my ass instead of just “I love you. See you tonight”. There is no burden of having my owner decide what for me to wear and make for dinner but there is a strong reminder to both that it is still his complete decision to exercise and not lost by regular life and many days of indifference.

Rules and rituals play an important part of steadying the ride that M/s relationships can take place. They are not always about intensity and bringing out the more severe things but often can be about both people focusing and paying attention to all the little things whether preventing doubt or burdening one or both with endless thoughts and questions on a daily basis. Well designed and thought out rules and rituals enhance the atmosphere of a M/s relationship while often help lessen the burden of both people in it from alway having to work on it.

Consensual Non Consent

Nothing filters people in this life to how they think about and live it then when they communicate on this topic. So with that being written let me expose myself to judgment.

Reality or fantasy

One of the questions any message board get on Master/slave total power exchange relationships is the age old is it real or is it just a fantasy. It is usually asked by people that I would put into three groups.

1) Do not take anything in this life that serious. I am not picking on these people but the thought of actual devotion to a power exchange dynamic is just something they will never take seriously as this life is more about just the kinky things and role playing the power exchange stuff when they are in the mood and agree to it. To these people these things are just an addition to their life like a hobby and cannot grasp people taking it too seriously that they make it part of their real life dynamic as a core principal. They may try to live an M/s life but anything that it runs up against they discard it until they pick it up again sometime later. It is separate and not integrated into their life.

2) Dominants taking this life way too literally. Usually cyber theorists and/or mentally unhealthy people who actually believe the slave definition out of Webster’s dictionary is the minimal level for one to call themselves a slave. These are the people that find when people talk in a healthy and sane way about Master/slave relationships it is watered down junk or cannot find a slave to literally become property and give up all rights and property of their own along with agreeing to truly no limits and then bark it is all fantasy.

3) Submissives with significant self esteem issues. They need to feel superior toward others and they do this by taking their personal view of a slave, often close to the Webster’s dictionary, and think they live it that way and then point to all the others as just fantasy players. What is unfortunate about this is their life is usually not even remotely like they say it is. The simple fact is because their self esteem is so low they could never handle anything actually non consensual in the moment. These are often the people proclaiming they are a no limit slave and when someone points out obvious limits they reply back “my Master would never ask me to do that”. They are taking value by how they perceive their role is as a 24/7 TPE slave like it is fuel for one’s self esteem.

The truth is out there

In my personal opinion any actual power exchange in a relationship has to have non consensual consent or there is no power being exchanged. I do not care if it is only contained to one night in the basement or bedroom a week or if you have some sort of 24/7 dynamic. But within the boundaries of the agreed upon power exchange the dominant ask or does something that the submissive does regardless of wanting to, feeling like it, not wanting to, hating it outside of safety concerns.

So if they have agreed to a dynamic where the dominant can demand sex of any type at anytime for example then the dominant can actually do this and not just have the right to try to have sex at anytime by having to get their submissive aroused first. Another example if the Master decides to order their slave to clean a closet right then and now and makes the slave miss their favorite TV show but an hour later the slave is sitting next to him watching TV of a show they do not like that consensual non consent.

Why would people live like this?

Let me use an analogy to partially answer this question. Say you love to garden and every year you tend to a huge garden in your back yard. During the springtime there is a lot of work in order to get it ready from cleaning up the damage fall and winter did to it. You have to cultivate the dirt and plant the seeds. You have to spend extra time watering in the beginning perhaps. During the rest of the year there are always weeds to be picked, fertilizing and pest control to do. In other words you love to have a garden but it is a lot of work.

The truth is even for a person who loves to garden that not every second they are doing something for that garden. Maybe you always hate one particular thing that has to be done. Or maybe some days you love to putt around the garden weeding it and some days you just dread doing it but you have to do it anyway. But many days you love to just take care of the garden. Some things you always love to do and often whether when just finishing the some thing major or just randomly look upon your garden and get a great sense of happiness and satisfaction.

Well in a sense that is what a slave does when agreeing to have non consensual consent in their relationship. We are more then willing to have moments in our life, even on a daily basis, that we might have to struggle through in order to have things we love in our life and have that overall happiness and loved feeling. To have what we want overall we have to do things that are not always what we want or like in the moment.

The other part of the equation gets into a submissives personality. You will read, hear and think about how we are wired to put our cherished ones above ourselves or we hate all the mind games of indirect communication and bartering regular relationships have. For some of us we have a fetish for power and control being exercised over us. Here is the cool/weird/sick thing about consensual non consent, when serving the one we love it is better then the alternative and it is not even close. There is no way I could be happy both in the moment and overall if I was causing my Master to not be as happy and pleasured as he could be by having to worry about if I am alright in doing something in the moment even to the point he damn well knows I hate doing it. For example I could not possible enjoy my favorite TV program or even masturbate to an orgasm knowing my Master is cooking dinner when I should be doing that for him. So even if I am dead tired, have no interest in cooking dinner and left to my own would not in a million years cook a dinner it is still way better for me overall to be ordered to cook dinner.

The use of consensual non consent in a relationship especially in a 24/7 TPE is critical and getting a loving Master to use his power on that level is often a big hurdle that is critical in overcoming. Happiness and love comes from the cutting away of anxiety and burden of not knowing for sure and how the other is going to react. Consensual non consent when exercised in the relationship lets both parties know they need not worry about some other mythical shoe dropping.

Elephant in the room again

Consensual non consent has a scary pretense to many who do not have it in their life. Heck, it is scary and sometimes denied for some of us that do have it in our life. It goes against all the fairytale preaching one might fall for of the Master being so awesome that they always do things in the slave’s best interest or can make the slave feel so wonderful that doing anything for them at anytime is to bring a slave joy with woodland creatures singing a cheerful song and helping us out. But life is not like that and all relationships we do things that we do not feel like when we do not want to do them. Thinking an extreme power exchange relationship one will not hit this and probably harder is not realistic.

One of the things I do not like is how between the local community and other who often want to preach all things done is for the bottom and that carries forward into a power exchange relationship and the popular thought and practice of somehow bottom to submissive to slave is a natural progression that there is that elephant in the room when consensual non consent first happens. Now I am not writing one cannot take this progression as many do but I am stating that D/s to M/s is quite different and not just another step because of consensual non consent becomes a big part of the life. That people I think would have a lot more success and ease into an M/s 24/7 relationship if one did not look at these things as stepping stones and mentally thought and worked on the this topic sooner then later if one thinks M/s is their calling in life.

But I cannot control the universe and I am far too lazy to figure out a plan and execute it to do so. So instead we get people waxing beautiful false fairytales or people spreading fear of anything that is not a fairytale. The truth is the time, things and feelings in doing many of the consensual non consent things takes up little time, not way out there bad things and often are feelings of not doing something to please our Master will be far worse then doing things we do not like. I will not lie and do think it is a big step to accept this in our relationship but often we have made it bigger by trying to connect unrelated stuff and listen to people who do not practice what you are drawn to and want.

It is one of those things where it is easy to point a finger from the sidelines and go look out that consensual non consent will be 24/7 life sucks because the owner can therefore will do things that will just cause hardship. Possibly true, but I choose to believe these people are the clueless morons. Not that it is not for them but they try to preach worse case scenario. I think most of us that enter and thrive in 24/7 M/s total power exchange relationships that have the possibility of consensual non consent playing a part in are life on a daily basis form small to large. But the concept lost on all the local community sycophants and look out cyber people is they just always forget we are consenting to the one’s we love, trust and hopefully are compatible. If they were monsters that made us miserable then why would be submitting to something that extreme? I would not and hope others do not as well.

Consensual non consent is alive and well in healthy power exchange relationships. How else can one serve someone we love and care for if we do not let them have the power if they are then not allowed to use it?

Irony of Pornography

Now I am not either a big fan of porn but neither am I an opponent of porn in anyway. I am more prone to written erotica then the visual stuff but on occasion and with my Master enjoying video porn I have seen my share.

I hate overt hypocrisy

I have never understood the arguments over why porn should be either banned as indecent or porn depiction of women is degrading. Now these two arguments can be debated strictly on a subjective level but my issues with how the negative people seem transfixed on porn and ignore many other things in this life that would fall under their same argument that is much more prevalent in society and out there for children to see.

As far as I can tell that as long as a reputable Hollywood or other foreign movie maker makes a film that basically it is ok with what a lot of what is put out. In other words these studios can produce one violent/horror film after another. They can show all the naked women they want being treated just like any bad plotted porn film. Every week there is a new horror film released where the women that bare their breasts get killed in gruesome ways and hardly any outrage. Silence of the Lambs wins Oscars by making a cannibalistic killer cool. But porn is somehow bad and to be hidden from society.

Because it is better for people to be exposed to violence in the theatre and TV over and over then heaven forbid then be at risk to be exposed to pornography where adults are enjoying each other company in a mutually pleasant way. The horrors and evil of the naked body!

BDSM Porn

I understand it cannot be made like Hollywood makes horror films. Society is not ready for this. But I for one have rarely seen a BDSM video that I enjoyed. Why, because they often have no emotion or sexuality toward them. That they come in two types, either purely BDSM where the bottom is put through the paces as the top is like not even part of the scene or sexual where the props, clothes and anything done are just more for ambiance of a regular sex scene.

People watch a horror film or some out there bullets flying everywhere cop action film and most call it harmless escapism because we are suppose to know that it is unrealistic and make believe. But it appears we are not allowed to make our porn in either a realistic safe way or indulge in fake fantasy stuff that Hollywood gives us.

I for one might watch porn if during a bondage and caning scene to see s sadists top get all hot and sexually worked up by what they are doing. Female dominants are allowed to use verbal humiliation but I am not sure if I have ever seen it by male dominants in a BDSM scene. So if we cannot have this for example why cannot we have the out there pretend stuff?

I have role played rape and interrogation scenes and enjoyed it. I do not need to see actors on a video act it out in an even phonier way. Why cannot I have actors in videos act these types of scenes out in a Hollywood fake but attempt at realistic way. I just do not see the point of some rape play video where the silicone to the extreme pretends to get raped by moaning in ecstasy while sucking the rapist cock like it taste like chocolate a minute into the scene.

I understand but wish that if every other video made by people allows people’s imagination to be indulged in what they put on tape regardless of how proper it is why cannot porn show us are fantasies that we cannot re-create out of circumstance and most important safety in a fake but with effort way.

Miscellaneous porn thoughts

My first owners made me watch a lot of porn when I first became owned by them. I was far from a prude and well experienced sexually but I was like many who kept it in the bedroom only way. They had me watch porn so I would get so familiar with sex and nudity that my bedroom side and outside the bedroom side would merge together better. Anyway, they had a lot of 80’s porn and I am happy to say dated me. My Master and I had this discussion last night on what were the differences because I strongly enjoy the old porn more then modern porn.

We kind of came to the conclusion that the 80’s women were still more real looking and even with fake breast they were fake like some normal person might get them done. The men were normal looking as well and not all steroid out. The plots in both groups are light and lame. But I think the biggest difference was the 80’s actors were either better actors or what I think they partially did what they did because they enjoy it. I think most modern actors are in it for the money and exposure and it is some business plan to do a porn.


Like I wrote I tend to not have much interest in the visual but I do like on occasion to read erotica. I like reading stories like my opinion above this. I have no interest in my written stories to be fairytale realistic that can and does happen but I like my erotic fiction to be dirty, dark, totally unrealistic in terms of concerns for safety, sanity and morality. I can get realistic and safe type stuff all over the place. Please give me the sicker stuff with the written word.

I hate starting up reading a story and turns out the author might have a problem with narcissism. Every time I read some thing like “After the third slap of his hand I felt myself trying to make my ass meet his hand halfway. I knew I would love and obey him forever” or “my wife is extremely adventurous and wild in bed but she was not remotely like that before she met me”. I have a little laugh or stop reading because the story will have just thinly veiled undertones of some man trying to write in a way that makes him look like an incredible stud.

I appreciate a person attempt at adult writing and putting it on the Internet for free. I appreciate and understand it might not have been written so people can masturbate to. But if I want to read a romance novel I will buy and read a romance novel. Please get to the more fun stuff earlier then later as most who do this just repeat the same buildup scene with a slight variation until an action scene anyway.

Porn, it does not beat the real thing but it has its place.

Pet Peeves

Here are a quick off the top of my head pet peeves when people discuss power exchange relationships and kinky things.

1) The use of the word “more”. I will not go with the words “real” or “true” as those should be automatic for all to think moron when people use those. But more is used too often as well. Relationships are between two people and how they make each other feel. One is not more of a slave if they clean their house spotless without being ordered. One is not more of a Master by how little they have to directly order their slave. Your values and enjoyments of your other and relationship are only in the end important to you and your other. You can feel more of something within that relationship by some act being done but it is misplaced hubris to think of oneself more of a Master or slave because you do or did something that you think other might not. We are not in competition with anyone!

2) Self esteemed challenged male dominants who proclaim one must first start out as a submissive to learn it from their side before becoming a Master. Look, I am not going to say there could be nothing gained by trying our side for a little bit. But pretty much most things can be learned multiple ways and this life is one of them. But on the bigger picture to think that someone who gravitates toward being a dominant can possible understand what someone goes through that gravitates toward being a submissive is quite foolish. All one learns is at best the tip of the ice berg. To think that some man tries being submissive knowing it is only temporary, not being able to truly get what the pleasure of suffering for one out of love, to get turned on by the power or being on the receiving end of something and on and on compared to someone who is wired for that and it is not for some small time frame but an indefinite one. To think you can learn or get how that mind set filters and feeds off things is ludicrous. The men who promote this come off as what most of them are, long time Top only players in their local community that are trying to score more play partners by trying to keep as few as tops around from being attractive to the bottoms. To really believe this is to basically think anyone can be submissive and it is just idiotic and cheapens all of us who are submissive.

3) Dominants who think every problem they hear can be solved by the submissive to just focus on being more submissive and submissives who think every problem they hear is an automatic red flag leave the person thing. Problems in relationships usually come from a lack of open and honest communication and effort between the two or personality and compatibility issues. Not every problem has a quick fix and base on the dominant is perfect or just needs to be encouraged by a submissive being more overtly submissive and until one knows all the facts a problem or bad action by a dominant should not always default into a leave him submissives.

4) The continued watering down of the important things of trust, safety and abuse by throwing those words around so cheaply. Trust and safety are critical things to people in relationships and avoiding abuse as well. Thinking everything that goes wrong in a power exchange relationship causes one ability to trust to be destroyed or every mistake or accident can mean the person is totally unsafe and especially thought of as abusive without any other analysis is just doing a big disservice to not only this life but for actual victims of abuse in all walks of life. These are not any different then any other relationships and you do not hear nearly as often about someone’s trust being destroyed and wondering if they can trust again after a three week relationship blew up. You were not abused because the top did not get you in sub space and the scene was bad or emotionally abused because the guy you met over the Internet still has a open profile on another site a week after writing you. I do not know how many times I have had to try to talk some sense into an actual abuse victim to where they basically think they are not in a bad situation because all they hear is that everyone’s abused so why try something different.

5) People who confuse themselves and mislead others by confusing just for kicks or trying to lose their identity by “discovering themselves” or “exploring who they” are within the context of looking for long term relationships. I have written about this before but I really wanted to focus on was the fact that most proclaiming those are often doing the far opposite. I knew a woman on a personal site/message board which she had been on for five plus years. She had kept a running journal on her life and had pictures posted throughout those five years. She was big on discovering who she was but in those five years probably had not learned one thing about herself. In her journal entry and pictures you would see a woman who adopted probably six or seven far different religions/spiritualities and types of power exchange roles between the two. Each time in a zealot and “I have found my true self” way that to an objective observer was an obvious lost soul in trouble. All she was doing was discovering a new role to play every so often and hoping that would make her happy. I doubt she had discovered anything about who she was. This may have been an extreme case but it can shine a spot light on the issue. I have no problem and encourage people to “discover” and “explore” who they are. Just make sure you start with inside out instead of trying to go outside in and hoping to stumble into something that makes you happy. But it is also critical to stop trying to do this while at the same time find Mister or Misses long term. If you have not figured yourself out how can someone else or how can you truly know what is the best fit and relationship type to go looking for.